Waking up from the insanity - What does he want?

[sklunsfo]

TLDR: Ex pwBPD dumped me, said I'm controlling, he can't be around me, moved out of our house, said he never had future plans with me anyways. Literally destroyed an entire life we made together and burned bridges with all mutual friends. He then invites me to his house to talk for few minutes after elaborating he never wants to be with me again. I don't answer. Next day sends me picture of old love letter I sent him. I don't answer. 2 months into NC and now he's showing up at my gym, the dance classes we were taking together, and all my usual lunch spots. Wtf.

 I already know I'm codependent and I'm already in no contact for almost 2 months and twice weekly therapy.

I'm just now learning about BPD, and realizing that's what my ex was or at least has all the symptoms plus maybe something else or something worse. And I'm just now realizing how insane his world is and how delusional I had become living in it. I thought I knew what to expect from him, bad things included, but now I just have no idea.

I'll try to long story short. We were together twice. He threatened to breakup with me 16 times at least (I stopped counting at some point) in the course of 1 year. At first it worked to keep me in control as I had abandonment issues, sometimes even begging him not to go and just talk to me. But eventually, I started to say ok there's the door. First separation was the first time I did that. He broke up with me saying all women are controlling, he's better off single and he can't be around me (this was after he showed up at the bar and yelled at me in front of all my friends and then wouldn't apologize for it). Told me to leave his stuff outside and he'd pick it up that day. So I took him for his word. Left his stuff outside and blocked him on all fronts and didn't talk to him for 6 months. After a week of him never showing to get his stuff - I had a friend of mine arrange the exchange. I'm thinking he went on about his life without a care as he pretty much always acted as if he didn't care. Even telling me he'd never loved me and only used me not to be alone. But I found out later that apparently my blocking him induced a psychotic break and he was trying to manifest me back the whole time and in his head I had left him.

But second time felt much different. After his psychotic break (which got him in legal trouble), he got into therapy, stopped drinking, stopped smoking, stopped taking cbd and actually apologized to me. There was still emotional abuse but it seemed to be getting consistently better with therapy. We ended up giving it another go. And we ended up living together, met families, had a whole future planned, shared pets. I fell madly in love with him and started to believe it was safe this time after 6 months of no major episodes and 9 months since "the incident" (his psychotic break). The last month I noticed an increase in paranoia, being accused of things I'd never done or said again and him pulling away. Then I found his porn on his phone (to me this is cheating, my ex before was PA and I have a lot of trauma around it and made this known from day 1) and he went back to his old tactics and after a whole day of emotional abuse on his end, (him telling me he wouldn't put in any effort to fix it unless I promised to stay with him first, being ignored all day, laughed at as I cried, rolling his eyes at me, telling me it's no big deal and not cheating, I don't have any sense and 99% of the world agrees with him, what if I'm pregnant one day and have low libido for a few months). I told him so many times how being ignored or given the silent treatment hurts me but he kept doing it. And every time he said "I didn't cheat on you" it broke me a little more and more. I finally snapped and reacted abusively myself which I have never done before. I acted like total psycho that night honestly. I screamed, I threw a coffee cup, I called him names, I blocked him from leaving so he couldn't go ignore me for hours or days again and finally in the end I slapped him. I was immediately horrified at myself and began apologizing profusely. I don't justify that no matter what's going one. He yelled back at me and grabbed his guitar and smashed it into pieces on the ground.

He then broke up with me saying it was too much and he was moved out the very next day. Literally one minute we are soul mates, hanging out with my family, flying to Europe in 2 weeks to meet his family, working on remodeling the house, taking care of our fur kids. And he's so thankful for everything I did to help him put his life together after his breakdown and he says I make him a better person. And the next day and following 2 weeks it was "I never had future plans with you, you are controlling, I am mentally, physically, and spiritually better off without you. I am more peaceful by myself." I asked if we could meet in therapy to go over what had happened with professionals. He said he didn't consider to get back together and wouldn't meet me because he couldn't be around me after what I did. And because of my behavior in our last fight I believed him. I agreed that after physical abuse, I shouldn't be given a second chance. And it destroyed me. And then I cried and begged over text and totally embarrassed myself. Stopped myself and went no contact, realizing I was crossing boundaries and not respecting his decision. Fully expected never to hear from him again.

And then about an hour later. He sends me "I know I don't have to do this but I'm at my house doing some work if you want to come for a few minutes to talk." I didn't respond, and it whip lashed me into reality. Because if he didn't feel safe to be around me in a therapy session why is he inviting me to his house? Also to note this guy is ripped and trained in Jiu Jitsu. And while there is no excuse for my reaction that night, I remembered it also didn't change the fact he had been emotionally abusing me for a year before that, watching videos of naked women behind my back multiple times, lying and generally abandoning me anytime I really needed him. All of which he never truly apologized for or made any amends. The next day he sends me a picture of an old love letter I'd written to him that he said he'd just found. I didn't respond to that either. Now, 2 months into NC; I keep seeing him, at the dance classes we signed up for together (dancing was my thing not his), my usual lunch spots, my gym. I just keep leaving every time I see his car. I switched gyms and I'm going to a new dance studio.

But I'm just like what the ****. Just what the ****. It's so painful. I still love him (who I thought he was). I literally put his life back together for him and he destroyed mine. He moved out. I thought the breakup was real (I mean it is now), but for him I guess it was another power play? Though I'm sure he'd still act to my face as if he wanted nothing to do with me. I literally had to move in with my mom temporarily because my mental health is so screwed up from this, I have depression now and PTSD and bi-weekly therapy is expensive and I couldn't afford that added cost minus his half of the rent (I own the house, he moved in and rented his out). He destroyed the entire life we had built together and for what? For what? Literally he had it made, I gave him everything.
 
I realize now he told me the same things last time he left. "Women are controlling, I'm better off single, I can't be around you." And he probably wanted me to beg him back so he could regain control. Also during his psychotic break he did some crazy things - like he beat his own car with a bat, walked down the street with no shoes on, vandalized a drug dealer's car because he thought he was Jesus, then stripped naked and tried to get into a church because he thought people were hunting him, and finally spit on the cop who arrested him. Which then resulted in him losing his job and thus his income and then his house. Which face palm to me for not running then. Myself (as a friend at the time), my family, and one of his friends helped him put his life together. He got his job back because of me, therapy because of me, rented his house because of my mom, his other friend gave him a place to live etc. He had no prior history of anything like that, toxicology showed no drugs in his system apart from the small amount of cbd from the legal gummies he'd been taking. He had just come back from a traumatic family thing and acting strange since then, so we all figured it was induced psychosis from the cbd gummies and trauma in combo we found out that mental illness ran in his family. So we all joined together to help him. But now all of a sudden; I'm evil and "immediately started attacking him when he just got out of prison." He had to go to jail for a couple hours to post bail and I picked him up after, and I asked him for nothing in return for all my help. I pointed out his accusation of me attacking him was the opposite of true and he said "ok you're right, but that's still how I feel." And he doesn't talk to anyone who helped him anymore. We are all hurt, sad and angry. I knew him for 2 years, some knew him for 5. We all really loved him.

I have no idea who this person is now or what to expect from them now. I don't think they'd do anything to me physically but I feel fear now whenever I see his car or him in town. I feel like my brain is stuck in the upside down. Again, I have no plans to contact or get back together I just...what the heck is he doing.

[Tupla Sport]

Hello,

all I know, as a very recent BPD discard, is that their brains are sometimes wired so arationally (not "bad at reason" but "not caring about reason") you can't make sense of their endgame. In a sense they lack the concept and understanding of an endgame since they are always cutting themselves on the shards of their own personality and making it look and feel as if the broken glass is you.

What I'm working with is the idea that they have very cyclical lives. They orbit their own deepest problems and just take the wheel elsewhere (and often back it seems, which is incredibly dark and depressing). Like a relatively well-regulated person is always kind of going somewhere in a mostly linear fashion but people with BPD only know a few stations, like Lovebombington, Future-Fake City, Push-pull Creek and Discardia. It's like a model train that circles something as small as a basketball. They run their course and start it all over again, with relatively few developments.

I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's a world of hurt in its own. Luckily we have communities and resources.

[sklunsfo]

Tupla,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. "They are always cutting themselves on the shards of their own personality and making it look and feel as if the broken glass is you." - this is just perfectly said. Like breaking the mirror (us) when they don't like their reflection.

Lovebombington, Future-Fake City, Push-pull Creek and Discardia -  . Thanks for bringing some laughter to this traumatic experience!

I'm sorry you are here as well, but I'm thankful I found this community.

[JJ26]

Thanks for sharing your story.  He sounds alot like my ex, and I was intrigued by the porn part of your story because my ex BPD partner loved porn which never bothered me, until I found out that he (a 54 year old man) was looking at YOUNG girls, I'm talking like 16 yr old looking to maybe 22 at best.  I did confront him about that and he adamantly denied it, but I'm smart, I had taken pictures of the iPad history which showed the exact sites, the name of the video (One was "19 year old college girl riding) and the length of time the video had been watched.  Even with this proof, I was called crazy and controlling.  He then flew into a rage and said "I'm not a molester or some pedophile!"  Wow...never said those words once!  It concerned me that HE offered up those words however.  I also noticed that anytime we would be out, he always made comments like "Damn, 15 year old girls didn't look like that when I was young" or "Am I going to hell for checking her out?" whilst looking at someone who was clearly about 18.  It began to really bother me, especially because I'm quite open and had always offered that we watch it together as something fun we could do, but we weren't watching young girls!  He would always insist that he was into "Hot yoga moms and older women with natural saggy boobs"...I laugh as I type this because looking back, I should have realized that whatever he said, I should have known that the truth was really the exact opposite!  He would proclaim how gross he thought it was that people had casual sexual encounters, yet a few weeks before I moved out and left him, I'd found that he had an Ashley Madison account!  I confronted him, and he immediately said "Yeah I was on there once but instantly got off when I realized what it was" to which I replied "Every moron in the world knows what that site is for, and even if you didn't know, it plainly states on their home page 'Life is short, have an affair', and you could have made the choice to NOT create an account, but you did.  You are disgusting and a liar". He instantly offered to log in and prove to me that he wasn't active on there, to which I replied and said "You delete everything, you have said so yourself, so you logging in and showing it to me really means nothing.  I get now part of the reason youre so filled with shame and self loathing, God only knows what you've been doing."  and that was followed up with more fighting, me being told Im a snoop and I need to let the past go...blah blah blah...more lies to make himself feel like less of a disgusting, empty shell of a human.  Like you, I had stood by him during his mental breakdowns, sat in on therapy sessions, believed he was willing (and wanting) to be better.  All it got me was more wasted time, more physical/emotional abuse, etc.   I've been moved out for a month now and I feel FANTASTIC!   I'm blown away when I think back and realize what I allowed to continue for 18 months (first 6 weeks was great but then went downhill quickly).  This forum helps me and I hope it will help you too.  Stay strong...we got this!