Starting Over

[MsCamper]

Hello. I am not certain where to start. I am a newly-wed of only a few months but we have been experiencing odd situations though out our dating relationship. They were small in scale, but in retrospect indicators of something far bigger.
After our wedding, things took a pretty drastic turn. I found myself on the receiving end of anger, silent treatments and distance lasting days, punishments for 'my actions or feelings' in instances that I could not understand. Things as simple as asking for help with laundry or asking if my partners day was okay ended us up in strange arguments. We would have a great day or a great week, at least in my mind, only to find out that a thing such as I appeared to roll my eyes meant that the whole day or whole week was actually horrible in their mind. Great days are becoming very few and far between. Things have been strained between us and couples counseling has only helped for short times. Tools supplied in these sessions are/were uncomfortable for my partner to use and they become frustrated that I am able to use them. This frustration only triggers the same cycles as my attempt at utilizing the tools was seen as "saying I was better than them". I could not understand what I was doing wrong to trigger these negative reactions.
In the recent weeks, my partner has sought help with their anger and was diagnosed. Things have not changed, and let me clarify that in a span of two weeks I did not expect them to, as it comes to my partner and their reactions. Their reaction to this has been that they will deal with this on their own, I am to supply no support but I am to rely on them throughout this process. I shared my feelings once concerning continued silent treatments and that was a trigger.
I am hopeful that things could potentially become better. I am a glass half full by nature. I feel like I have been reading every book I could get my hands on to understand what my partner could be going through and what I can do for them and myself. While I want so very much for things to be like it was two years ago I am realistic that that will never be. I want us to be in a safe and positive relationship but I do not know if that is realistic. I am honestly lost. What are the first steps? How do I bridge the gap? When you need to talk to someone who has been there, who do you reach out to? Does it get better? Can it get better?

Please note that I do have an independent counselor. It is a help but not someone who has been there/done that.

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[pursuingJoy]

MsCamper welcome. I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I'm glad you found us. Big hugs to you. 

Can you tell us more about the odd situations you encountered while dating? Have the same behaviors escalated?

While I want so very much for things to be like it was two years ago I am realistic that that will never be. I want us to be in a safe and positive relationship but I do not know if that is realistic. I am honestly lost. What are the first steps? How do I bridge the gap? When you need to talk to someone who has been there, who do you reach out to? Does it get better? Can it get better?

You're taking the first steps. You've been proactive about individual and couples counseling, you're reading books, and you've found us. Those are all great first steps.

Finding people that understand BPD, including counselors, is a task. Not everyone understands, and they jump to the easy solutions, or they develop an opinion about my situation. I've told very few people in my life. This is a great place. What I've learned here gave me the strength to navigate very tricky dynamics.

It does and can get better. Once the shock wears off, you get to the daily grind and work through the grief of accepting reality. Once you get through that part, there is usually a measure of sadness mixed with relief and clarity.  Setting healthy boundaries is probably the tool we talk about most, and there are others that can be used effectively to improve the relationship.

Big events in life, even happy events like weddings, birthdays and holidays can trigger big feelings. What sorts of behaviors are you seeing since the wedding? I wonder if your partner wasn't hit with a wave of emotion that was hard to manage, and if any of it will wane in time.

[MsCamper]

It started off as little things. I did not include enough emoji's in a text message so he questioned my feelings on the relationship or I would be with my kids for the afternoon and not reply to his text messages until bed time. It was problematic that I was doing things without him, while he was at work. He later, unknown to me until months later, cheated on me because of these reasons.

We have been doing couples counseling and I have felt that has recently been the only place where he actual hears the impacts of his reactions. Telling him alone only sets off more triggers. The most recent has been my attempt to explain how his silent treatments are impacting me. That has resulted in a decision not to speak to me at all when he is at work so I will not question him if he talks to me then. He works a job that his come home time changes greatly. He can come home anywhere between 3pm to 8pm. He will no longer give any notice on what the day looks like but wants me to make plans with him each day. I am not be upset if those plans do not work out because he gets off late but he gets offended if I make plans for myself due to the fact that I do not know when he will get off.

He has also elected to work additional days at work once again breaking a promise to help with the kids. Specifically my kids.  I did not mention that nor my disappointment when he told me his decision to change his schedule, for what feels like the zillionth time. All other attempts to discuss the impacts of these spur of the moment choices have backfired.
I did have to ask today how the new schedule would impacted our counseling sessions. I asked if he would be available at X time so that I could reschedule. He has declined. He has to pick up his kids, which is valid, but he has left zero wiggle room for sessions (individual or couples). We are going to be cancelling sessions going forward to accommodate the new schedule because our counselor will not come in during odd times for him. I just lost the only thing that provided any assistance.

[pursuingJoy]

It started off as little things. I did not include enough emoji's in a text message so he questioned my feelings on the relationship or I would be with my kids for the afternoon and not reply to his text messages until bed time. It was problematic that I was doing things without him, while he was at work. He later, unknown to me until months later, cheated on me because of these reasons.

Do you understand why he is triggered by these things? Understanding the why can give you a window into the way he's seeing these things. It doesn't excuse his behavior.

We have been doing couples counseling and I have felt that has recently been the only place where he actual hears the impacts of his reactions.

For most people, sharing that something hurt them is a way to connect. For the person listening, hearing how their behavior hurt another would prompt them to change the behavior.

It doesn't work this way with BPD - at least, it doesn't work in my experience. Pain management isn't something your husband can do. Hearing about your pain compounds the pain he's already feeling, which is why he's triggered when you share.

I just lost the only thing that provided any assistance.

I know it's overwhelming, but it wasn't the only thing that can provide assistance. I'm not sure it was even working that well? Couples counseling with BPD partners can be a very frustrating experience with little to no change.

There are things you can do that can improve your situation. Much of it has to do with finding support for you, resetting expectations, setting boundaries, and processing grief and loss. You are navigating some very big emotions yourself right now - be kind to yourself, and know that it won't always feel this intense.

In the immediate, you have kids, and you need help. We have a blended family of 6 kids and I can only imagine the frustration when he changes plans at the last second, requiring you to pivot. I'd also be hurt if it only happened with my kids.

Have you found that he does this more when he is dysregulating? If so, it may help to bring his emotional level back to baseline. Long term, you may need to reset expectations for his assistance when he is dysregulating.

What's the most frustrating thing he does, something we can examine together and brainstorm a good response?

[MsCamper]

I would like to start off with thank you for talking to me.

We talked about the reasons he felt the lack of emojis and my time with the kids gave him a negative mindset. If I did not put a heart kissy face emoji then that read like I no longer had feelings for him. If I was spending time with my kids then I was no longer thinking of him at all. A lot of the discussion came down to not receiving enough attention. His relationship with his ex-wife was explained as being cold at the end, which for me sounded like a normal experience prior to a divorce. For him, that coldness means that any indication of not caring means that the relationship is ending.

The biggest obstacle I face is the "Well, I will just never do that again...'s". He has a list of things he use to do but will never do again. Examples: He was not able to mow the yard one weekend, after saying he would, so I ended up with time one afternoon while he was at work. I mowed thanking this would keep him from having to worry about it after work. I mow the yard often so it was not anything way out of the boundaries to pick up. My taking this action turned into wanting to take credit for all the housework and he will just "never offer to mow again". It took months and me asking before he would again.
Right now we are on a "Well I will just never talk to you while I am at work again" which we are a week into. He had been barely speaking to me, only regarding things like kid schedules, for a week prior to it. He wanted to spend time alone and would do so for pretty much every evening all evening. I had hit my wall and was going to get out for a bit myself. It was morning and I decided to go out for breakfast. I told him that I needed some time myself and was going out to grab breakfast then run an errand. This turned into his decision to not speak to me while he is at work any longer.
I can add "not make coffee, not try to build a relationship with my youngest son, not do any housework, not go on trips, not do things by himself and to make things more fun on that one, not do things with me either?" The vast majority of these started because I began to share how I was feeling about a situation or reaction. The rest were from asking clarification questions concerning what his reactions and emotions appeared. I  have been trying not to share my feelings anymore to avoid this but they still remain. Alas, for me the internal result is that I feel like I cannot talk to him which I can feel myself building my own wall. That is not the response I want to give towards our relationship. It is a struggle.

[EZEarache]

Hi MsCamper, welcome. From everything you are describing, you have found the right place. I wish I had been able to make the diagnosis sooner, than I did. You seemed to have identified the root cause relatively early. So there is potentially some hope for you in this relationship because of that.

We have been doing couples counseling and I have felt that has recently been the only place where he actual hears the impacts of his reactions. Telling him alone only sets off more triggers. The most recent has been my attempt to explain how his silent treatments are impacting me. That has resulted in a decision not to speak to me at all when he is at work so I will not question him if he talks to me then.

One of the things we talk about on this board a lot is not JADEing. (Justify Argue Defend Explain) So here you are consciously trying to EXPLAIN your perspective. This will only backfire and put you on the Defensive, which is obviously another no-no. It becomes a cycle where you end up deeper and deeper in an ARGUMENT.

In my case once the cycle starts, the only course of action I have is to leave the situation. Trying to talk it out just becomes a bitter feud.  When you try to justify, defend or explain your perspective at all successfully so the BPD understands it, this makes the BPD feel negatively about themselves.  A BPD's negative emotion is so painful to them, that they will do anything in their power not to experience it. From my experience, the most common way for the BPD to avoid the negative emotion is to use blame-shifting. So what ends up happening is they turn your perspective around and use it against you. You walk away from the conversation questioning, whether you really are feeling bad because of your own actions. You end up living in backwards, Bizzarro world.

When I first came onto this board five months ago, my head was so scrambled from Bizzarro world, that I thought I was the one with BPD. I was seriously questioning it. I still question my own sanity as a result of the emotional abuse and manipulation from my exwBPD. In fact, just last week I asked my therapist for my diagnosis to make sure, I wasn't really the problem. This was after my exwBPD had been screaming at me, "You only care about myself!" This made me wonder if maybe I was really the problem and had NPD. The therapist confirmed I just have remittent depression.  

To avoid the cycle, it's best just to not JADE.

...but he has left zero wiggle room for sessions (individual or couples). We are going to be cancelling sessions going forward to accommodate the new schedule because our counselor will not come in during odd times for him. I just lost the only thing that provided any assistance.

It sounds like he's figured out an excuse to get out of the therapy sessions and avoid engaging in the painful task of self improvement. He probably doesn't even realize he has done this. That is certainly unfortunate. I encourage you to continue seeing the therapist on your own. In my case the emotional abuse and manipulation left me very depressed. Hopefully working with a trained professional can help you find the best path forward.