just what i lost

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I know there is useful info on this site about assessing what you had in your relationship--that maybe you weren't as special as you thought to your partner etc. It still hurts me--I feel like I lost my best friend. My mind can't settle on what it really was, but I know it was real to me.
My therapist tells me it's about the recent losses in my life in general, the death of my parents. Have others been able to link the grief of this relationship to other loss? I'm never sure. It makes sense, but it still just feels like my favorite person pushed me away.
Is the special connection I thought I had unrealistic? If it is based on unmet childhood needs, is part of meeting those needs letting go of the soul mate fantasy? I am really trying to maintain and nurture other friendships, and I have wonderful friends, but I am so longing for what I thought I had. It's like nothing else is good enough. Can others relate? How do you work with these questions? I feel like these topics have been discussed before, but could use some additional reinforcement!

[vanx]

I know there is useful info on this site about assessing what you had in your relationship--that maybe you weren't as special as you thought to your partner etc. It still hurts me--I feel like I lost my best friend. My mind can't settle on what it really was, but I know it was real to me.
My therapist tells me it's about the recent losses in my life in general, the death of my parents. Have others been able to link the grief of this relationship to other loss? I'm never sure. It makes sense, but it still just feels like my favorite person pushed me away.
Is the special connection I thought I had unrealistic? If it is based on unmet childhood needs, is part of meeting those needs letting go of the soul mate fantasy? I am really trying to maintain and nurture other friendships, and I have wonderful friends, but I am so longing for what I thought I had. It's like nothing else is good enough. Can others relate? How do you work with these questions? I feel like these topics have been discussed before, but could use some additional reinforcement!

[schwing]

Hi Vanx,

I know there is useful info on this site about assessing what you had in your relationship--that maybe you weren't as special as you thought to your partner etc. It still hurts me--I feel like I lost my best friend. My mind can't settle on what it really was, but I know it was real to me.

My relationship with my exBPDgf was very real to me as well.  And when she left me, it was in such an absolute way and so traumatizing to me that it felt like abandonment.  The attachment I had to her was so strong all the way up until the moment it was clear that she no longer wanted me part of her life.  Up to that point I was still contemplating how to repair our fraying relationship.

My therapist tells me it's about the recent losses in my life in general, the death of my parents. Have others been able to link the grief of this relationship to other loss? I'm never sure. It makes sense, but it still just feels like my favorite person pushed me away.

Compared to my other relationships which ended, the end of my BPD relationship felt definite.  With my other nonBPDex relationships, even after we broke up, there would still be limited contact and during this contact there would be an compassionate understanding (sometimes) we would be distancing towards a detachment.  Even years later there might be some limited contact (I attended one ex's wedding... .ha!).  But with my BPDex, I was no longer able to reach the person I fell in love, even though I would still have conversations with my exBPDgf, there was an extreme disconnect.  As if she suddenly ceased to be who I once knew.  For me it felt like a death would have been more settling because then I could accept that I could no longer contact my loved one.  But here she is, still physically alive and well but no longer the person I knew.

I thought for a long time that I had a problem because I could not disconnect as readily as she did.

I think that it is natural for this kind of loss to resonate with other kinds of loss, such as the death of family members.  And just like it takes time and effort to worth through those kinds of losses, it will take time and effort to work through this kind of loss.

Is the special connection I thought I had unrealistic? If it is based on unmet childhood needs, is part of meeting those needs letting go of the soul mate fantasy?

I think we all have the capacity to seek out relationships in order to work through our deep (perhaps unconscious) emotional needs.  If our needs are to work through and resolve the injuries of our past, then we will gravitate towards those would could in some way help us.  Even if it means seeking someone who helps us replicate that dysfunctions of our childhood.

This was indeed my experience when I found my exBPDgf.  Going through this relationship eventually helped me come to terms with my relationship with my uBPDmother.

I am really trying to maintain and nurture other friendships, and I have wonderful friends, but I am so longing for what I thought I had. It's like nothing else is good enough. Can others relate?

I can relate to this feeling.  I came to the conclusion, however, that I no longer wanted someone else to bear the responsibility for making me feel whole.  I decided that I would have to be the architect of my own happiness.  And depending upon what happiness I could build (or not build) I would find a life partner who could compliment this.

I refused the idea (perhaps the fantasy) that I would find someone who would "save" me and who I would also save.  And settled with finding someone who I could share what I've learned of myself so long as she would be willing/able to share with me of herself.

Reality never beats fantasy when it comes to feelings.  But reality is reality.

How some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Mutt]

Hi vanx,

It still hurts me--I feel like I lost my best friend.

schwing gave you pretty insightful information, all that I have to offer you is that I can relate with that statement. I felt like I lost a best friend too because of the emotional connection or intensity that we had, I don't believe that a person out of 7.5 billion people is "the one" , I believe that we're compatible with many many people, you'll eventually find a new best friend.

[Baf93]

I'm fairly new to the knowledge of BPD, however I have been with my uBPD fiancé for 5 years and know it well by experience. I have done lengthy and hardcore research and I wonder the same things. It does hurt and I struggle with making sense of it all as well. Some things I read I feel like it was written about my fiancé. Other things make me angry to read. Maybe I've gone crazy and I'm in denial. However I myself don't believe that nothing was felt. My fiancé was very high functioning. He was capable of a stable, happy and healthy relationship for about 6 months at a time. In that time he did not go off the deep end and over obsess, he simply treated me as a person without BPD would treat the love of their life. He did not control me, manipulate me, he added so much happiness and love to my life as well as my daughters. I know in my heart those feelings were real. Somewhere along the line I would slowly watch him fade from the man I was in love with to someone  that perfectly fits the BPD and npd description. He was nasty, mean, extremely manipulative and enjoyed playing mind games. Cheating, gas lighting. He would enjoy the game of stringing me along. This nasty side of him comes out during the summer months, normally starting from March-May. He isn't back to the him I love until the fall, when he seems to snap out of it and realizes what he's done and is absolutely horrified. Then the pattern starts again. I have many theories and thoughts as to what is going through his mind and what triggers him, but of course I can't say 100% for sure.
But no, I don't genuinely believe it's one sided. I believe he felt every bit of what I did for him. I believe he looked at me as his soul mate, and he wanted nothing more than to make me happy. He was my absolute best friend and my home. He opened up and made himself very vulnerable to me many many times. But I do believe when he changes, he no longer feels those things.
His parents both have BPD/NPD traits. His mother was an alcoholic and walked out when he was 5, and even though his dad stuck around he was just as neglectful and damaging. To this day he just recently formed a somewhat relationship with his mother. Mostly her calling and guilting him into visiting, where she then blames everyone else for her life's problems and takes advantage of him to get money and her house/car repaired. He's hated her most of his life, and seems to feel obligated to help her out of pity or guilt now. He worships his dad.
When the other side of him comes out, I recognize disgust and lack of any humility. It reminds me of the way he's always viewed his mother. Idk if I'm taking her place and her punishment but that's how it seems.

I can only speak on my behalf, because he is the only pwBPD that I am close to and know so well. And like I said, he is high functioning. I'm not sure about those who are not.

[Mavrik]

Hi Vanx

Looks like your feeling like I was.

My relationship lasted 12 months and was unlike no other. I had issues with loss of friends in the past and my relationship with my BPD gf was like  no other ever. It meant so much there was nothing like it. But after every few months she'd push me away and end the relationship as she wanted more, and trust me I was giving lots with little in return. She works say she loved me like no other then have a break up sleep with others then come back to me to recycle me. Then do it all again.

I loved her so much and told her this and she told me she loved me too, but I now know she didn't and was just going through her usual routine.

Sadly our relationships with BPD mean so much to us and nothing at all to them

It's been 2 months now and I've started engaging with someone else and taking it slow

But I miss my ex every single day and I know she doesn't even think of me

[In a bad way]

I too felt like I lost my best friend and my soul mate, I also relate to the feeling of when someone dies it's easier in some ways. Death is easier to deal with than being abandoned like you don't exist.
It hurts more than anything that the person you love and says they love you can just wipe you out of their life.
But that's them, it's easy for them, or at least it was for mine.
Also I think the fact that we put up with so much from them and always forgave them only to be just eliminated from their life makes it worse.
I know mine doesn't think of me, I also know that it's impossible to know for sure but I just know.

[vanx]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I knew I wasn't alone, but it's nice to have that reinforced. I'm still kind of processing and reading what everyone wrote so it's hard to think of what to say, but both the relating to each other over the feelings of loss as well as the recognition that she can't own my happiness are helpful. Just had to see her again today, so rereading this is helpful. Thank you all.

[Lucky Jim]

Is the special connection I thought I had unrealistic?

Hey vanx, It is painful, my friend, but pain leads to new growth.  I would say that it's more a case of mistaken identity than a matter of being unrealistic.  The person you fell hard for, I would argue, was more of an illusion that a reality.  I did the same thing.  It's hard to reconcile the illusion and the reality, but I'm sure you discovered the dark side of a BPD r/s.  Those on the outside have no concept of what it's like on the inside.  We do.  I predict that at some point you will feel grateful to have left your BPD r/s behind you.

LuckyJim

[vanx]

thank you for your post, LJ. I do believe in the growth opportunity, and do tend to agree with your point about the illusion, though I do suffer doubts. It is especially tough seeing that cool, charming, radiant part of her when she interacts with others in the setting where I see her. I forget the bad parts that came up. Thanks for your post and thanks again to everyone else. I feel
very grateful to have people who understand.