Seeking to understand my BPD partner for myself and my step son

[Catsby]

Im married to my partner who I believe has BPD. before we met he had a very unsettling childhood with lies and abuse from his step father and still his mother. He had a son who he sacrificed his career to go to court to get 50-50 custody when he was an infant,  of which my partner succeeded. I met him after the battle. He also found out who his biological father was during the custody battle. Thinking his step dad was his biological father for 36 years. The man with the hands of abuse, his mom lied. That could destabilize anyone. But the ref flags were emotional manipulation of his son, and people around him. The obsession over things. The enemies created out of thin air. The screaming at me until 2am for no reason other than he needed to channel this monster through someone.

We have been together for 4 years there were red flags that I used to think were triggers from his past abuse. Drinking excess spending negative attitude distrust towards random people But I was never a real target of his behavior bc he considered therapy but now that’s changed. we got married and moved to a new home together. My step sons mom is diagnosed with mental health issues as well. They are both manipulative to their son and I am the safe zone for him. That never was an issue for my partner until his son turned 5 and began to push his father and mother for that matter away and started gravitating towards me. I am not the target and I just started my career which I adore but I’m so emotionally drained from my dad to day I am at a standstill. I love my partner and I love my son. But how do I stay confident and strong when the life is being sucked out of me by three people involved with these issues. My situation feels so hard to explain to those who do not understand. I am just seeking advice on how to come up with coping strategies for myself, my son and manage my own expectations with my husband and really think about who I am and if I can honestly handle this windy road if he’s not willing to seek help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Catsby-

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but I’m very glad you’ve found us.  Please stay and keep posting.  You’ll find people with shared experiences who DO understand exactly what you’re feeling and going through.

First and most important - SELF CARE.  That saying “put on your oxygen mask BEFORE helping the person beside you” is true, my friend.  You cannot help anyone... not your dear son and not your H, unless you’re okay.  “Self-care” includes sleep, eating right, exercise, keeping your support system (family, friends, us here) IN your orbit.  And that means establishing BOUNDARIES.  Your Boundaries represent your Values.  There are articles on this site to assist you with that.

I imagine that when your H learned the truth about his bio dad, and that he’d been abused at the hands of his stepfather all those years (and his mother “allowed” that); the feelings of deception and betrayal must have been unbearable.  And continue to be.  So yes, your BPDh’s distrust of people is pretty understandable.  He WILL need therapy to work through that; as well as the abuse itself.  I’m so so sorry.

My uBPDbf (undiagnosed bpd boyfriend) is also a victim of severe childhood abuse (physical by the father, Emotional by the mother).  The RAGE he had during the first 5 years of our 6-year relationship was astounding to me.

When the disclosure about your H’s bio dad was made, what if any details was your H told about the bio-dad?  Is the stepfather still married to the mother?  What kind of relationship does your H have with his mother?

There are reasons for my questions...

Your post, and the issues you’re facing sound VERY familiar to the issues my uBPDbf has / had, but we’re older (he’s 61).  He has changed dramatically in the last year in response to me.  The positive changes in me.

Catsby- I know you love your H.  If he will not go to therapy now, then you go for yourself.  I urge you to read through the Tools - Workshops sections on this site... there is amazingly helpful information here for YOU.

This information, once you absorb it can be used to communicate better with your H - to reduce conflict, help to lessen his rages, and make him more comfortable to speak WITH you, instead of RAGE at you.

The first thing I would read about is learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  And then learn about “Validation”.  These communication tools have worked wonders in my relationship.

I will tell you that not long ago, I asked my uBPDbf (during a quiet time, of course) if during any of his rages he had ever actually been angry at ME?  He thought for a moment and said, “No... I haven’t, Gems.  You’ve never done anything to really make me mad.”  We speak very openly about those now; and he hasn’t flipped out in 10 months.  I know they’re not over for good - his mother is still alive and her nasty NPD traits twist him inside out.  He hasn’t spoken to or seen his father in 20 years or so.

My friend, I’m glad you’re there for the child.  And in time, you’ll be able to calmly point out to your H that you know he doesn’t wish for his sweet son what happened to him.  In time.  Not to “guilt” your H, but to drive home a painful and true point. 

Can you explain why your H lost his career during the custody battle?  Is your H working now?  What is the extent of your H’s drinking?

Also, what kind of interaction do you have with the exW and your H’s parents?

Has your H looked for his bio dad or any of those family members?

Again, sorry for all the questions.  The more we know, the more we can help.

Bottom line.  Things CAN improve.  Please stay.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes