I want to take revenge

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't even know where to begin, I am not a functioning human being at this point.  Together for 3 Years, House in Las Vegas that I bought for us, Masterful idealization stage, I left after the "Mirror started to shatter"   She turned to heroin to cope with her loss. I found out about the Drugs and did not Know about BPD at this point, I found myself looking at an addict. All of a sudden there was an excuse for her behavior. I thought If I could just get her off of drugs I could have my Idealization Girlfriend back, I supported her through her drug addiction for a year, Ripped heroin out of her hands, the works, Payed for the rehab, Went to all the NA meetings with her, helped her get clean basically while sacrificing portions of my life. Heard all the BPD jazz "I'd die if anything happened to you, I would die just to make you happy" ect ect... "      Well she got clean and we continued, everything seemed great, She was so thankful for helping me get her clean ect ect... We would be together forever, talking about marriage, SHE proposed to me after 6 months of sobriety, I said yes.  Then a small family problem arises in Colorado and she has to go live with her dad for a year. I travel  up there twice a month, put 50k miles on a one year old leased Cadillac. 20,000 dollars on a credit card in flights. Meet all her new friends over the course of a year. I'm helping her pay her rent in ski town USA, sending her money, Shes telling me how much she loves me and can't wait to come home ect ect...    Well I bought her and 3 of her friends EDC (concert) tickets and they all travel down to Vegas for the concert, I let them all stay at our house, everything is great, we are intimate a bunch of times, she tells me right to my face it is still about us and she would never stray from me, i'm the only guy for her ect ect...    Well after they all leave the guy friend calls me and gives me the 'Your way too cool of a guy to not know the truth speech"   He says he slept with her at least 10 times when she first got to Colorado(no condoms ofcourse) and that she had been with at least 10 other guys he knows about, most of whom I had met! They all felt awful and told me she was lieing about me the entire time saying it was an open relationship. It also turns out she had a steady BF in Colorado the last 2 months who didn't even know about me. In essense, she had two boyfriends. Ofcourse after I confronted her I get painted black and my idiosyncrasys become deal breakers. "Were not together now!"   But one week ago when you needed me for 1500.00 EDC tickets I was the love of your life.  I had my questions the entire year but ofcourse, comeon, she would always yell at me "It says we are in a relationship on facebook!"   So I get home to an entire house full of her belongings, and someone remind me, why shouldnt I pawn all this stuff?

[redbaron5]

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't even know where to begin, I am not a functioning human being at this point.  Together for 3 Years, House in Las Vegas that I bought for us, Masterful idealization stage, I left after the "Mirror started to shatter"   She turned to heroin to cope with her loss. I found out about the Drugs and did not Know about BPD at this point, I found myself looking at an addict. All of a sudden there was an excuse for her behavior. I thought If I could just get her off of drugs I could have my Idealization Girlfriend back, I supported her through her drug addiction for a year, Ripped heroin out of her hands, the works, Payed for the rehab, Went to all the NA meetings with her, helped her get clean basically while sacrificing portions of my life. Heard all the BPD jazz "I'd die if anything happened to you, I would die just to make you happy" ect ect... "      Well she got clean and we continued, everything seemed great, She was so thankful for helping me get her clean ect ect... We would be together forever, talking about marriage, SHE proposed to me after 6 months of sobriety, I said yes.  Then a small family problem arises in Colorado and she has to go live with her dad for a year. I travel  up there twice a month, put 50k miles on a one year old leased Cadillac. 20,000 dollars on a credit card in flights. Meet all her new friends over the course of a year. I'm helping her pay her rent in ski town USA, sending her money, Shes telling me how much she loves me and can't wait to come home ect ect...    Well I bought her and 3 of her friends EDC (concert) tickets and they all travel down to Vegas for the concert, I let them all stay at our house, everything is great, we are intimate a bunch of times, she tells me right to my face it is still about us and she would never stray from me, i'm the only guy for her ect ect...    Well after they all leave the guy friend calls me and gives me the 'Your way too cool of a guy to not know the truth speech"   He says he slept with her at least 10 times when she first got to Colorado(no condoms ofcourse) and that she had been with at least 10 other guys he knows about, most of whom I had met! They all felt awful and told me she was lieing about me the entire time saying it was an open relationship. It also turns out she had a steady BF in Colorado the last 2 months who didn't even know about me. In essense, she had two boyfriends. Ofcourse after I confronted her I get painted black and my idiosyncrasys become deal breakers. "Were not together now!"   But one week ago when you needed me for 1500.00 EDC tickets I was the love of your life.  I had my questions the entire year but ofcourse, comeon, she would always yell at me "It says we are in a relationship on facebook!"   So I get home to an entire house full of her belongings, and someone remind me, why shouldnt I pawn all this stuff?

[Want2know]

You shouldn't pawn it because two wrongs don't make a right.

Give her one solid chance for her to come get her things, and if she doesn't, then get rid of it.

I have to say I give that guy a lot of credit for telling you that.  Many guys wouldn't do that.

For what it's worth, many of us here have been through a similar situation as yours - spending lots of money, helping our pwBPD through their ups/downs, trusting they are faithful, etc. 

It hurts, and it hurts bad.  You will get through this - keep what you value in tact even if you have moments of wanting revenge.  Don't give up on the good guy you are. 

[DragoN]

Redbaron 5,

It's horrid when you see all the time, love, energy and devotion you poured into a person basically get pissed on.

The fellow who  told you? Good on him. Very few will take the risk of letting another know. Spared you from getting married and having children with that lousy piece of work for a human.

Get rid of her crap in whatever legal means are available.

Revenge? Nah... .she lost You. You are all that.    

She's a druggie and a 'ho. Somebody else's problem now.

[Ironmanrises]

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't even know where to begin, I am not a functioning human being at this point.  Together for 3 Years, House in Las Vegas that I bought for us, Masterful idealization stage, I left after the "Mirror started to shatter"   She turned to heroin to cope with her loss. I found out about the Drugs and did not Know about BPD at this point, I found myself looking at an addict. All of a sudden there was an excuse for her behavior. I thought If I could just get her off of drugs I could have my Idealization Girlfriend back, I supported her through her drug addiction for a year, Ripped heroin out of her hands, the works, Payed for the rehab, Went to all the NA meetings with her, helped her get clean basically while sacrificing portions of my life. Heard all the BPD jazz "I'd die if anything happened to you, I would die just to make you happy" ect ect... "      Well she got clean and we continued, everything seemed great, She was so thankful for helping me get her clean ect ect... We would be together forever, talking about marriage, SHE proposed to me after 6 months of sobriety, I said yes.  Then a small family problem arises in Colorado and she has to go live with her dad for a year. I travel  up there twice a month, put 50k miles on a one year old leased Cadillac. 20,000 dollars on a credit card in flights. Meet all her new friends over the course of a year. I'm helping her pay her rent in ski town USA, sending her money, Shes telling me how much she loves me and can't wait to come home ect ect...    Well I bought her and 3 of her friends EDC (concert) tickets and they all travel down to Vegas for the concert, I let them all stay at our house, everything is great, we are intimate a bunch of times, she tells me right to my face it is still about us and she would never stray from me, i'm the only guy for her ect ect...    Well after they all leave the guy friend calls me and gives me the 'Your way too cool of a guy to not know the truth speech"   He says he slept with her at least 10 times when she first got to Colorado(no condoms ofcourse) and that she had been with at least 10 other guys he knows about, most of whom I had met! They all felt awful and told me she was lieing about me the entire time saying it was an open relationship. It also turns out she had a steady BF in Colorado the last 2 months who didn't even know about me. In essense, she had two boyfriends. Ofcourse after I confronted her I get painted black and my idiosyncrasys become deal breakers. "Were not together now!"   But one week ago when you needed me for 1500.00 EDC tickets I was the love of your life.  I had my questions the entire year but ofcourse, comeon, she would always yell at me "It says we are in a relationship on facebook!"   So I get home to an entire house full of her belongings, and someone remind me, why shouldnt I pawn all this stuff?

In bold/italics.

That says everything.

That is what happens... .

To the non... .

In the aftermath... .

Of a relationship... .

With a pwBPD.

This isnt who you are Redbaron.

You know that.

I can feel the sadness and anger... .

In your words.

I am sorry you experienced that.

Vent on here.

We will hear you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm really sorry redbaron; your story could have been mine, and I feel your pain, very much.

I had many thoughts and many opportunities for revenge as things were falling apart with my BPD ex, although I took the high road partly because it was the 'right' thing to do, and partly because I didn't want to deal with any more of her wrath.  Now, a year later, I'm really glad I did because I have no regrets and no guilt; she's the one who screwed up, on some level she knows it, and not being with a great guy like you or me is their loss.

Some say we're kind hearted, some People Pleasers, rescuers, some say codependents, plenty of stuff to look at as you detach and heal.  I'm at a point where I don't give a sht about the label, my naivety died as a result of BPD hell, and add some healthy boundaries and a clue to who I am, and some lucky, healthy gal is going to consider herself the luckiest gal on the planet.  For you too man, just don't do something you'll regret later now.

[Mase11]

First off, like others have said, good on the other guy for telling you.

One thing to understand, it's not worth your time and effort to get into this type of battle with a pwBPD. You couldn't even think of doing what they are capable of. The only thing you can do is move on as soon as possible. It's very difficult to deal with things you are dealing with right now but take care of yourself and move on.

One of things that helps make get through my days is the way I've handled the situation. Remember you have to live with these decisions going forward and you're dealing with a mental illness. Doing something you'll regret will weigh in on your mind for a long time.

After saying that, do what you can to get rid of her stuff as soon as possible. As said earlier, give her a chance to come get them. If she doesn't, then get rid of it.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Redbaron5, I'm so sorry to hear how badly she betrayed you. I thought my exBPDgf was trying to clean up too, she stopped drinking and stopped abusing rx drugs cold turkey for a couple months. Like you, I would've done anything for her and I spent plenty on her. Unfortunately, I found out that she is still an alcoholic ho, to put it nicely.

I don't know about you, but I was mainly sad at first when I kicked her to the curb, and it was only later that I started to feel some resentment and anger. Everything we did for them, not only was it taken for granted but we were also taken advantage of on top of it. I don't need or want excessive thanks and praise, but I'm not a fan of getting stabbed in the back. 

I've been seeing a therapist and one thing the T reminded me of was to be authentic and true to myself. Just because we feel an emotion doesn't mean we have to act on it. We should acknowledge the feeling and not hide from it by stuffing it down or hiding it away, but we don't have to do anything because we are angry that we would regret later or that goes against our authentic selves. You sound like a loving, caring, giving kind of person. YOU get to choose who you are through your actions.

Who do YOU want to be? The same kind and loving person who simply feels angry and betrayed (and rightly so) or an angry vindictive person who wants revenge? It is HARD to do the right thing sometimes. We human beings are emotional creatures not logical ones.

I hope you find your way and find peace eventually. 

[Aussie0zborn]

As mentioned you can't even think up the things that they are capable of and you need to live with yourself so being nasty right now wont help. I know she deserves it BUT I would take the high ground, pack her stuff and pay the shipping cost to get it back to her. This way you will get no complaints, no reason for her to call and you can go NC and start to heal without any guilt or feeling you could have handled things better. She doesn't deserve it but you do. Good luck.

[bpdspell]

Red Baron 5,

I totally understand your desire for revenge but getting revenge will not give you what you ultimately want and in most cases it will only make matters worse.

What most of us want is an amends on their part; an admission that they are sorry and that they'll do whatever they can to make it up to us... .but unfortunately they are incapable of making amends do to their compromised and limited capacity for empathy.

The most painful thing you can do to a person with BPD is to not reengage with them on any level and move on with your life. Take your heart back.

I understand that the perceived losses are tough but this is not the end of your life's story. It may be a sad chapter but it is not the entire story unless you allow it to be.

I too felt intense rage towards my ex and I wanted him to pay for his betrayal: the cheating, the lies... .but then I arrived at a point of acceptance... .that he's mentally ill.

And quite honestly it's punishment enough cause I certainly would not want to trade shoes with him.

With blinders on... .I gave my ex thousands of dollars, tons of sex, attention, home cooked meals, clothes... .and he took a huge dump on my head. But I ignored the red flags and pressed on due to my own emotional neglect of myself and not wanting to see the full picture of who he showed me to be.

Any person who takes advantage of another person, mistreats, betrays and abuses another person's trust will always suffer because life is a boomerang; mentally ill or not.

I know its tough to not want to take vigilante justice but I'm a believer that our BPD ex's create their own karma. They only thing we have the power to do is to heal and protect ourselves to make sure that we never engage in this type of toxic dance ever again.

Spell

[SeekerofTruth]

Wow!  Lots of good rational take the high road advice.

Sorry to be the contraian... .

Options:

1.  Pawn all the stuff.  Plan ahead what you will do with whatever proceeds.

2.  Rather than pawn the stuff, just give it away... .make a donation to a women's shelter or purple heart.

3.  Pack it up, pay the shipping costs... .take the High Road (for your grace, depth of humanity, future growth, karma... .) and then go NC. Nada.  That may be the best revenge... .as in the best revenge is on a plate served cold.

With a very short and sweet note, "there's no need to explain, we are over, here is your stuff, I am moving on without you, and by moving on without you, that means no email (block), no FB (block, remove), Twitter, etc. NC.  then wish her well.  

The embedded message of #3 is:  she got kicked out, no reason for her to ever return nor contact you; not only has she gotten rejected... .but you've taken the high road. This way you do not stooped to her level, nor have you given much thought to her mindfuk response when confronted beyond telling yourself She is history.  

This way you get to take the path of decency, humility, and POWER.  She LOST you.  It's over; unequivocal.  The high road... .preserves and adds to your spiritual power.

The meta-message:  you are indeed better than that.

And then thru the discipline of maintaining your NC... .do your inner work of self-forgiveness and grieving the betrayal your lost years, exwhile giving voice and expression to your negative human feelings of anger, betrayal, and babboozelment.

I guess you could still do #1 or #2 as well; which ever is quickest and still consider most of all the above to still hold true, more or less.  Which ever feels most authentic to you.  For the immeadiate, which ever options if you choose the above, you will like have gotten in the last word.  Getting in the last word with a personality disordered invidual is a big thing.

But then lastly, the best revenge: (google how to regain your self-confidence or google how to get revenge) and choose the legal safe adult ones.  These will boil down, to IGNORE the other person, move on with your life... .the best revenge is a life well lived. Then let go... .walk on towards your freedom, salvation, and redemption (vs victimhood).  Take the hit of her multileveled sociopathic betrayal as a gift of YOUR new found future as a potentially wiser and stronger person.

[Oliolioxenfree]

BPDSpell, you are so right.  I always enjoy reading your posts.  They are quite insightful.  I wanted revenge.  I wanted it so desperately.   Everytime Id see his face pop up as a mutual Facebook friend with his picture with her... .days after he left our 2 year relationship... I got so angry.  Rage is an understatement

It was the hardest thing Ive ever gone through. 

Then I realized he is ill. Very ill and his day of reckoning may come, but ill be long gone... and healed.  He's her problem now.  It may be both of their karma to be honest.  Either way I could care less. Im no longer being emotionally abused so Good riddance!

[Afool]

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

[nolisan]

When I told my exBPD to GTFO I said it calmly, then added "you have two minutes". I had never said a harsh word to her before. I expect it blew her mind to hear me finally draw a very sharp and final boundary - haven't heard a peep from her in the year since. Thank God!

I have to admit it felt good and there is some revenge in that feeling after the crap she dished out. Oh well ... .I'm human.

[fiddlestix]

My diagnosed bipolar borderline ex wife just got fired from another job.  Her two brothers really want nothing to do with her because of the choices she has made.  She really has no close friends because her lack of boundaries and tactless behaviors have sabotaged those relationships.  She crushed me time after time, broke my heart, lied to me, devalued me, recycled me... .  She has a drinking and drug problem.  She is currently in a strange relationship with a man 14 years her junior.  She was molested as a young child.  She has struggled with eating disorders and depression since she was a teen (she is now 47). 

Why should I seek revenge on this poor, ill, guilt/shame ridden woman? 

She has hurt me terribly.  But I am sane enough and healthy enough to see that she lives in a personal hell that I can't fathom.  While I choose to be in a state of No Contact, I will never seek to harm her or exact revenge.  I don't really believe she ever intended to hurt me.  She was only self soothing in her disordered, childish way.  If I sought to harm her I would do it knowingly and willingly.  And that would hurt me worse than she ever could. 

Fiddlestix

[fromheeltoheal]

But then lastly, the best revenge: (google how to regain your self-confidence or google how to get revenge) and choose the legal safe adult ones.  These will boil down, to IGNORE the other person, move on with your life... .the best revenge is a life well lived. Then let go... .walk on towards your freedom, salvation, and redemption (vs victimhood).  Take the hit of her multileveled sociopathic betrayal as a gift of YOUR new found future as a potentially wiser and stronger person.

This is the part where we get to use BPD to our advantage: a BPD's biggest fear is that of abandonment, since they never went through the abandonment trauma and subsequent depression as kids, so they bang up against it, stuck in that place of sort of being a 'self' and sort of being 'one' with their primary caregiver, for their entire lives, the genesis of the push/pull that drives us all crazy, so when we abandon them, it triggers that all over again, and their deepest core wound gets the scab torn off once again.  Severing the relationship and disappearing completely is the very worst pain you can inflict.

And the healthiest path for us is to detach from the craziness, so it's win-win.  You got your revenge, in the very best way possible, and you kept to the high road so you won't have anything to regret or feel guilty about later.  And then there will come a time when retribution loses it's appeal, and you may find yourself developing compassion for her once you understand why she does what she does, as hurtful as it is to those of us who get enmeshed with it.  Happiness and contentment are short lived illusions for people with that disorder, she got the short end of the stick, and her pain will repeat over and over, while we have a shot at it long-term once we heal and grow.  Focus on that as you do what's right.

[bpdspell]

And then there will come a time when retribution loses it's appeal, and you may find yourself developing compassion for her once you understand why she does what she does, as hurtful as it is to those of us who get enmeshed with it.  Happiness and contentment are short lived illusions for people with that disorder, she got the short end of the stick, and her pain will repeat over and over, while we have a shot at it long-term once we heal and grow. 

Perfectly written.   

[Century2012]

fromheeltoheal

Yes, I so wanted to rage, wanted revenge ... .make him hurt as much as I was.

It took awhile to pass ... .NC helped a lot!

Now I feel compassion. I do want him to find happiness as best he can.

I am at peace, although I do think about him most every day. But not in the fond, miss him way. More in the ... .hmmm ... .trying to find the words.

It made me feel good that I was his confidant. And when I hear about his current situation (he married a woman who does not even have supervised visitation with her kids because of drug charges ... .a college grad from a good family ... .who has not told her family after two months of being married and taking his last name), I think, ":)ude, what are you doing?" "I am here wishing you the best in life and you are continuing to make a mess."

Ah ... .this is it. If he has a new life that others can look at and hold him in esteem, then I will feel less shame that I was involved with him.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am at peace, although I do think about him most every day. But not in the fond, miss him way. More in the ... .hmmm ... .trying to find the words.

I don't think about mine much anymore, but when I do it's a pleasant thought; I catch myself projecting my good on her again, probably not her reality by any stretch, but it's a pleasant reality in my head, and I hope it's true for her.