Officially going NC with BPD sister

[motor-away]

I would like to get this off my chest and also want to express my gratitude for all the wisdom I've found lurking on this forum.

Growing up, me and my sister always had a twin-like connection. We completed each other's sentences and were incredibly close. Overall we had a great relationship filled with humor and love. Our family had long thought she suffered a mix of bipolar and alcoholism after she was diagnosed bipolar. But that diagnosis never seemed to fully explain her struggles.   

Over time her neurotic tendencies grew. She fabricated food allergies, faked seizures and became a frequent flier to the ER. To this day she still ends up in the ER almost once a month for what seem to be imaginary reasons.

Unfortunately she refuses therapy and appears to have no desire to gain insight. She's not even aware that she presents with classic BPD symptoms and it seems like everyone but her knows. We chose not to tell her as it would probably just become one more excuse for her to justify her behavior.

The thing that is burning everyone out and pushing us to NC or LC is her lying (even if it doesn't feel like a lie to her!), which escalates with each passing year. Recently, she faked a pregnancy and had the whole family worried about how she is in no place to care for a child. This was after another family member had a harrowing failed pregnancy and she was not the center of sympathy. She now has caused police involvement twice for accusing boyfriends of attempted murder, only to admit later that it didn't happen.

I made the mistake of getting involved in the latest crisis after being LC for a few years. This ended in her stating that she never wanted to speak to me again, and I decided to take that as a sign. However, I know she didn't mean it and was having another Jekyll and Hyde moment. Like some have mentioned on this forum, I felt a huge sense of relief. My hopes for her happiness and health have been dashed again and again and I've come to accept it is possible (and maybe even likely) that she will die young or continue to torment the family for the rest of her life.

I still feel an urge to be a support for my family members that aren't ready to let her go and are doing their best with boundaries and formal communication. Even that though, I think I need to step away from. I've been called the "rock of the family" but it's time for me to change from a rock into a river and flow away. 

[Swimmy55]

Thanks for reaching out! We would be happy to be in your network of support.  Estrangement is difficult , and please know you are not alone.  here is a link on estrangement, and you most certaily can look up more email trails on this subject using the " search bpd" feature in this forum.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207324.0
Please share more as you are able, we are here for you.please tend to your self care . Writing in here is a good start.

[Strawberry29]

Hi motor-away,

your post resonates so much with me. I could have almost written a lot of it.
Interesting the part on hypochondria: my sibling in the past year alone has called an ambulance for (1) having breathed smoke from a burnt roast, (2) a stomach ache, (3) my mom having a sore eye. I hadn't connect this with BPD straightaway.

What I can say is: if your sister is a bit like my brother, she will tell you that she won't ever speak to you again at least a million times, and you will keep being the first one she resorts to when in need. But I suspect you already know that... just that is one more thing that makes it difficult to go full NC. And your conclusion is the same as mine... Sorry, perhaps not very helpful, but at the same time it can help sometimes to know we are not alone in these things.

[Pilpel]

I'm dealing with a sister in law.  but I could identify with some of the things you're dealing with your sister.  I don't understand why people feel at liberty to lash out in an aggressive, manipulative or  bridge burning way to people and then expect relationships to return to normal. 

With my sister in law, I see one of the main problems being attention seeking.  And it doesn't matter if it's negative or positive attention.  The only way I can make sense of it is to see it as an addiction.  So going into a rage and trying to provoke others to rage back I think gives her as much fuel as having a more positive interactions with people.  She recently got sent to the mental hospital for her third time.  She was diagnosed with bipolar, but is no longer interested in taking her meds.  She may be bipolar.  But I get irritated talking to people as if bipolar is her only problem.  Even if she does not have manic highs or lows, her normal state is highly manipulative and in a false reality.  And I think her narcissism is also what keeps her from taking her meds.  She just spent two weeks sending crazy raging texts and emails to family, and writing crazy negative reviews.  I'm concerned about how this goes long term.  Other family members know that she's a little off, but they see her recent manic episode as abnormal.  I cut her off because I don't see her manic behavior as being that different from her baseline.