Coming to a head

[rva804bpd]

Hello out there.  This is actually the first time I have ever posted anything inside a message board/support forum.  I found my way to this forum by listening to the audio book, stop walking on eggshells.  I was introduced to that book by my therapist, and I am incredibly grateful.  Before going through the book I had serious thoughts that I may be going crazy or delusional.  But now I have a better understanding of what I am dealing with in my relationship.

When I listened to the book it all sounded oh so familiar.  An intense, fast paced love story, the highest highs and lowest lows I've ever experienced in a romantic relationship, and the inability to reason with my partner.  She is a sweet, smart, and incredible person, and I now realize she is also mentally unwell.  I've been able to identify at least six of the nine BPD traits which she exhibits.  As I learn more about BPD it really breaks my heart to consider what kinds of feelings she deals with on a daily basis.  We met on December 31, 2017, and I saw some red flags almost immediately.  I put that to the back of my mind and reasoned that she simply had been through other rough relationships.  Later on I thought that her unhealthy relationship with her mother was the issue (I think her mother also has BPD).  Regardless of the root or cause, I am now almost certain that she suffers from BPD.

Even though the relationship has been more emotionally volatile than I thought was possible, the highs were so great that I thought I could push through the dysfunctional behavior.  As a result of that thought and her suggestion/pressure to "make the relationship more permanent" so that she would feel more secure, we got engaged in September.  At that time we were still living apart and mainly just seeing each other on the weekends.  We pushed off plans for marriage until next year, because we did not feel the need to rush, we wanted to live together first.  So we started looking for a house, and fortunately/unfortunately we found our dream home and are currently under contract to close in the middle of January.

The plan was to keep her house and use it as a rental property, and have her and her cat move into the house that I'm currently renting with my dog.  They moved in last Saturday, one week ago.  This last week has been rocky to say the least.  She has admitted multiple times that she has an issue with drinking, and so we had thought she could moderate her behavior by just sticking to wine, and not having any hard liquor.  This past Sunday, her second night after moving in to my house, was one of the scariest nights of my life.  We had a major snowstorm in central Virginia that day, so we had curled up on the couch and were drinking wine while we watched the snow fall.  Overall she probably drank one bottle of wine over the course of about five hours.  I started to notice her become agitated as the night continued and she flew into a rage, mainly directed at my female dog (she has exhibited jealousy towards her since almost the beginning of the relationship).  I don't need to go through everything that transpired, but it was quite a lot.  She "tossed away" her engagement ring, the second time she has done that, made verbal threats against me, broke a piece of furniture, and tried to slap me.

The next day saw the now all too familiar cycle of her intense depression and shame.  She wanted to blame the alcohol and so decided to stop drinking, and she has followed through on that as far as I know.  I'm really proud of her for doing that, because she admitted that she could not remember a day in the last four or five years that she did not have a least one drink.  However on Wednesday night it became painfully apparent that alcohol is not the issue.  We had another disjointed argument, and I honestly cannot even remember what it was about now.  Last night she was feeling angry and resentful again, and she decided to leave my house and not tell me where she was going.  This was the first time that she actually removed herself from the situation, so that was encouraging.  She started texting me a couple hours after she left with some familiar messaging about how I don't care about her.  I used the communication techniques I learned in the book to acknowledge her feelings but not agree with her.  I have continued that communication style into today.  It is proving very effective, but I can tell she is completely unsure about how to respond.

Today we were supposed to work at her house to finish packing for the movers who are scheduled for tomorrow to move her things into a storage unit for a month.  However she told me that she did not want me to come over and help.

She has said repeatedly that she is willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, and agreed to start therapy.  I do worry however that it might not happen.  We are scheduled to visit my family for Christmas, and we are supposed to leave in one week, on Saturday.  At this point I am unsure how and if that will happen.

Another issue is this house that we are supposed to be buying together.  This is a for sale by owner deal, so no real estate agents involved.  There were a lot of moving parts and contingencies to the deal, and we are buying the house from a nice couple with two young daughters.  I am concerned that my partner could back out of the deal at the last minute and leave everyone in a lurch.

I am seeing my therapist on a weekly basis, and I have repeatedly encouraged her to get into therapy.  I really don't know what more to do at this point.

After reading this post, I feel like a complete idiot for letting things get as far.  I'm not even sure if I'm asking for suggestions or sympathy or what.  I just feel stuck.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi rva804BPD,



You'll find lots of members who understand the challenges you're having in your relationship.

It sounds like you're really getting somewhere with using the tools and techniques in Stop Walking on Eggshells. That's great to hear!

After reading this post, I feel like a complete idiot for letting things get as far.  I'm not even sure if I'm asking for suggestions or sympathy or what.  I just feel stuck.

When I made my first post here, I wasn't really looking for anything except to be able to talk and tell my story in a safe place where people would understand and wouldn't judge. There's much more than that on offer here (support, advice, tips and tools, directions to resources etc) but, for that first reach out, all I wanted was to be heard.

I'm glad you found us and I hope you'll continue posting. We hear you.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site.  Like Bnonymous, I am glad you are reaching out for help and as you hang out with us and just into other threads and start posting you will find that you are not alone. 

After reading this post, I feel like a complete idiot for letting things get as far.  I'm not even sure if I'm asking for suggestions or sympathy or what.  I just feel stuck.

It is easy enough to get swept up in a relationship like yours.  Everyone here did that.   

She "tossed away" her engagement ring, the second time she has done that, made verbal threats against me, broke a piece of furniture, and tried to slap me.

This concerns me a bit and I can't not highlight it here.    In general, do you feel safe with her there?  Are you prepared should her physical aggression escalate?  We can help you with that too.  I know there are other things to focus on here too and we will help there too.  I just want to see where your thoughts are regarding this.

Keep us posted.  It is great that you are already implementing some of the communication strategies.  We have lots more that can help too so I hope you dig in and get comfortable.

[Ozzie101]

Hello! Welcome!

After reading this post, I feel like a complete idiot for letting things get as far.  I'm not even sure if I'm asking for suggestions or sympathy or what.  I just feel stuck.

I know exactly what you mean. I can't say how many times I've thought "Why was I such a moron?" I look back at incidents with my uBPDh and just have to shake my head — or cry. When he's in a good mood, he's fine. Playful. Affectionate. But when he's in a mood, he's passive-aggressive, insulting, criticizes endlessly. He's been violent, too. He's broken things in our home, yelled, told me he feels like hitting me. He's never done it, but still.

Luckily, his violence has lessened over the last month or two, but the dysregulations continue and so do the hours-long conversations that go nowhere.

That's great that you're using the skills from the book and seeing results. Validating feelings (without validating the invalid) and setting boundaries are very difficult to do, but they can bring good results.

The violence from your fiancee is concerning and I hope you'll take that seriously and take proper steps to protect yourself, both physically and legally, should it escalate — and there's a very good chance it will.

Her offer to do therapy is good, but the domestic violence counselor I've been seeing told me that there are some red flags to watch out for with therapy. One of them is, if the person is doing it for you or for your relationship, there's a great chance it will not work. They need to do it for themselves. Because they WANT to get better. Not just because they want to save the relationship. That's just another form of manipulation.

What I'm learning is, there will still be the highs and lows. But until and unless she gets help — in the right way and for the right reasons — it will not get better. That's something to really think about. Can you put up with this for years, potentially for the rest of your life? Not telling you what to do, just pointing out questions that I've been asked by therapists.

[rva804bpd]

Hi Bnonymous and Harri,
Thank you so much for your replies.  Yes, I am taking steps to make I am safe.  The main issue that is at the top of the pile now is my dog, and my fiance's apparent jealousy toward her.  

I am going to continue looking around the community for support and suggestions.  The primary thing I'm trying to deal with at the moment is how to answer her question of, "Are you committed to me no matter what?"  It's the black and white thing, we're either together no matter what, or we're broken up.  I want to answer her honestly and compassionately while not starting another fight or giving her false hope.  I want to be committed to the relationship, but I have boundaries that need to be respected.

[Bnonymous]

Hi rva804BPD,

I get what you're saying.

I have very reluctantly accepted, over the course of my life, that it's true what people say that the only people we can commit to unconditionally are our children. Unconditional love and commitment are beautiful things, but I don't think they're either realistic or healthy in the context of a romantic relationship. There is always something that would (or should) make someone walk away, even if, for some, that something would need to be pretty extreme (such as arson or murder).

I think finding a way to negotiate answering the question is unique to each relationship. It's finding that very delicate line where we can both be true to ourselves and also offer the reassurance that we are committed as far as commitment goes. You may feel you need to answer it with what you've just told us. But, if you do, then clarify if you are committed to being with her through the ordinary ups and downs and struggles and disagreements that every couple faces.

Ordinary commitment in romantic relationships has (and needs to have) small print, and "in the absence of abuse/violence" is in that small print.

In general, maybe something like "I am as committed to you as anyone could be to a partner" works as an answer to that oh-so-loaded question?