My Grandma died - uBPDw being cruel

[Depression = 72% of members]

This week my grandma died.  She was very old and it wasn't particularly a surprise.  The day it happened it, my uBPDw was relatively supportive.  Then the following day, she got upset with our toddlers behavior.  She tends to take it out on me when our toddler misbehaves and blames me.  She decided to sleep in the other room.  Following day was the funeral and she was supportive for the most part that day (we attended virtually).  But the following day she was back to her splitting and was being cruel and acting as though she was the one who was under hardship.  

I'm so frustrated because we had been going through a period of relative calm and it seems like she's always in a competition with me to be the one who is more upset or more aggrieved.  She can't let me have a week of grief.  She's always one upping when it comes to having a hard time.  She's always having a hard time regardless how small the indignities. She needs constant validation and wants to apologize when small things don't go her way (our cleaners arrived early and she got mad that I wasn't more apologetic for it) but she can't hold it together for one week while I grieve my grandma.  I recognize this is part of the illness but how do other people cope with this?  

A part of me wants to tell her off but honestly I know it just validates her believe that I'm bad and wrong if I do.  So I'm going to avoid her until she apologizes to me or at least stops actively being a jerk.

[runningfortacos]

This week my grandma died.  She was very old and it wasn't particularly a surprise.  The day it happened it, my uBPDw was relatively supportive.  Then the following day, she got upset with our toddlers behavior.  She tends to take it out on me when our toddler misbehaves and blames me.  She decided to sleep in the other room.  Following day was the funeral and she was supportive for the most part that day (we attended virtually).  But the following day she was back to her splitting and was being cruel and acting as though she was the one who was under hardship.  

I'm so frustrated because we had been going through a period of relative calm and it seems like she's always in a competition with me to be the one who is more upset or more aggrieved.  She can't let me have a week of grief.  She's always one upping when it comes to having a hard time.  She's always having a hard time regardless how small the indignities. She needs constant validation and wants to apologize when small things don't go her way (our cleaners arrived early and she got mad that I wasn't more apologetic for it) but she can't hold it together for one week while I grieve my grandma.  I recognize this is part of the illness but how do other people cope with this?  

A part of me wants to tell her off but honestly I know it just validates her believe that I'm bad and wrong if I do.  So I'm going to avoid her until she apologizes to me or at least stops actively being a jerk.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NotAHero]

 The book “Stop caretaking NP&BPD” does a great job clarifying that anytime you expect a supportive partner you will be disappointed. It’s a dark reality to accept but most partners here will tell you they experienced this in different degrees.

 One day I got in an accident ( wasn’t at fault ) about 10 minutes away from the house. I didn’t want to scare my uBPD partner so I drove home ( car was still drivable but heavily damaged). It was a brand new car. I got home and the immediate reaction was historical screaming of berating and devaluation for “not caring about calling her right away”.  The reaction was so intense and stressful that it surpassed the trauma of the accident and the upset feelings about damaging my new vehicle. 

 I know it’s a tough reality to accept but if you want to be with a BP especially uBPD then you have to lower your expectations of support to non-existent.

[runningfortacos]

That's a helpful reminder.  I read that book a couple months ago.  It's strange how quickly I forget all of my wife's challenges when things go well and it makes it harder to process when the eventual splitting/resurgence of BPD behavior makes it way back. 

Still struggling honestly with consistently enforcing my boundaries and it's hard to employ SET technique when it's something so obviously her issue.  I can be more empathetic and employ SET when I've upset her and I think there is some merit but when she gaslights her way into her grievance it's hard for me to apply my skills handing BPD. Especially when it's just a major milestone like the death of a grandparent and she's tearing into me.

[NotAHero]

 I completely understand the feeling. Mystification doesn’t help but just remind yourself she will ALWAYS revert and unless she is seeking intensive serious help then that is bound to happen.

 I fell for it myself many times. Only recently when the behavior became so extreme that I realized there is no  hope for her to see the light. I only think about what I can do about it.  Think  in the realm of possibilities of what you can do that she can’t do anything about. Possibly get away for a couple days to grieve in peace ? That type of options.

[thankful person]

Running, I am sorry for your loss. I have also just read the caretaking book which I found really good. I sympathise and relate because I know when my parents pass (they are in their 70’s and my dad is sick), my wife’s behaviour and attitude will be hard to handle due to her jealousy of my love for them. I have been preparing myself for some time for the fact that I will have to be stronger than ever when I eventually have to cope with this, at least I’m not kidding myself that she will be supportive, even though I will still hope for it. I learnt a long time ago that many of my feelings are best kept hidden from my wife. I know it’s not how a marriage is supposed to be, but things are different here in bpd world right?

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry about the loss of your Grandma. 

To add to what others have said, support when you really need it isn’t always available from a BPD partner and that’s something to grieve as well.

Their intense self focus often makes it difficult for them to acknowledge that we are mortals needing emotional support as well. To them, it can seem like a zero sum game; any support given to you is something that is lost to them.

Very sad, both to lose your beloved grandmother and to not have your wife have your back.

[once removed]

its an unfortunate given, i think, that our loved ones, generally speaking, do not always have the emotional faculties to be the emotional rock in our relationship.

my dad died, coming up on four years ago. dont worry; i dont mean to compete with your loss here, but to put it in perspective.

i didnt set out to measure peoples responses, but there were so many people, including my very best friend, that either disappointed me, or full on hurt me. it taught me a lot. at the time, i was determined that id never overlook another person suffering over someones death. ive since done so, many times.

human beings are a case study failure at meeting each others needs, as much as we might want to.

likewise, these relationships are not, necessarily, fair or equal, in terms of, well, fair and equal in general, but also in terms of needs met.

one important thing is to have a strong support system in place. have people that you can lean on. i dont mean go and find an emotional affair. i mean have a very close friend or two, or join a grief support system, that sort of thing.

that wont make it go away when your loved one makes your loss or hardship about her. it will help meet your needs, all of which you cant fulfill in any relationship, and it will help keep you grounded.

So I'm going to avoid her until she apologizes to me

this wont help you, it wont help your relationship. its an understandable reaction, and its also a high conflict strategy.

one of the things that i did when i lost my dad was just state, up front, what i needed from people in terms of support. the primary thing i needed, personally, was company. i didnt need or want to talk, necessarily. i needed some normalcy, some things to look forward to, some people to be around, to know that people cared. if people asked me what they could do, i told them just that. if they wanted to bring food, or whatever, i accepted it graciously; everyone has their way of reaching out and i appreciated any effort. but if asked, i spoke honestly. most people stepped up. some didnt.

the best way to get your needs met is to clearly communicate them. avoiding someone, or acting in a way in order to get them met, is the least likely way to get them met.