Accusing you of cheating?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Mine never did. I accused him a lot but I was correct. Found that all out most recently anyways, I have read a lot of pwBPD accuse their partner of cheating often. Makes me wonder why mine never did in 2 years never really seemed to care what I did? Only if I said I was going to be home by a certain time and he was waiting for me and I was late he would be upset but never accuse me of cheating.

[butterfly15]

Mine never did. I accused him a lot but I was correct. Found that all out most recently anyways, I have read a lot of pwBPD accuse their partner of cheating often. Makes me wonder why mine never did in 2 years never really seemed to care what I did? Only if I said I was going to be home by a certain time and he was waiting for me and I was late he would be upset but never accuse me of cheating.

[juniorswailing]

I pretty much only worked or spent time with her as we were only together 4 months.

She did say once that she thought there was something going on between me and an ex colleague that had phoned me about something but the reality is she knew I didn't have the chance to, even if I'd wanted.

Interestingly she did that the night she vanished and I found my car outside her ex bf flat.  reckon there may have been a bit of projection going on with her allegation!

[ICantFixHer]

My ex was more concerned I was developing emotional relationships with random Facebook women, women who might have known me via my band. I never gave my ex one single reason to ever think I was cheating on her, emotionally or physically. I am not nor have I ever been a cheater. I was single for my whole 20s, been there, done that.

She, however, led me to suspect on several occasions that she was both emotionally and physically cheating on me. I never wanted to believe it so I painted the red flags green, but in hindsight, while I never flat-out caught her, there were incidents "before my very own eyes" that, when I questioned her about it, led to this:

Me: "Hey, I saw you and Mitch hanging out in the front yard, you were in your nightgown; why didn't you come back inside when I asked you to? Why, when I came back out front an hour later, you and Mitch both bolted in different directions when you saw me, both looking like you had been caught doing something?"

Her, drunk: "Screw you, you insecure twit. We did NOTHING, you hear me? NOTHING! I have guys on Facebook who want to sleep with me, do you think I would do something with Mitch?"

Me: "Really, you know guys on Facebook who want to have sex with you? How do you know this?"

Her, drunk: "I just know, you know? Anyway, I want you out of here, you hate me and you don't trust me so why do you stay?"

Me: "I am just asking you a question about a situation that made me feel very uncomfortable."

Her, drunk: "You need to pack your things and get out of here immediately, I cannot live with someone who can't trust me and who is constantly accusing me of cheating."

Me: "I am not constantly accusing you of anything, I am asking if I need to be concerned about you and Mitch, your actions have me wondering."

Her, drunk: "I'm keeping the cats, the trailer, everything; I hate you, just get out, you have issues with your father."

Lather, rinse and repeat.

The frustrating thing is my ex will never allow me to address a concern; rather than be truthful about whatever was going on with Mitch, she threw layer upon layer of accusations and non-related concerns into the mix, thus keeping us from ever getting to addressing my concern. Now I had to worry about what Facebook guy she knew wanted to bed her, you know?

I am sick of it and I am glad I got the heck out of there.

[JSF13]

I was ALWAYS accused of cheating. It got so bad that I completely alienated myself from everyone. Still would be accused of cheating. I never once cheated on her. I was so in love with her I couldn't even think of cheating on her. Didn't make any difference. Not only was I accused of physical cheating but emotionally cheating. Anyone I reached out to for support in what I was going through that was female (long time friends) was considering cheating as I went to vent and get emotional support. That was unacceptable. She DESTROYED most all my female friendships. She even went as far as calling ex's of mine to tell them I cheated on them. (Also not true). She would throw in my face all the men that wanted her. How she wanted someone who would be better in bed sober. She completely degraded me in our sex life. When not in a rage she would tell me how our sex life was the best ever and how no one has EVER been able to satisfy her sexually.

[Bigmd]

Mine never flat out accused me but anytime I got a text she wanted to see or know who it was. Always wanted to see my pics on phone. Wanted my phone code. Never gave her a reason to suspect me of anything. She flipped out one time because a female waitress said hi to me. She also wanted me to stop talking to our mutual female friend. I however ,after reading these posts , wonder if she cheated on me. I never knew what she was doing during those times I was getting silent treatment . I guess I will never know nor do I give a s#%t anymore.

[Michelle27]

I was accused of cheating on him for YEARS.  Started about 5 or 6 years ago and continued until he moved out this past July.  Last December he admitted that the very year it started, he carried on a year long affair with my so called friend.  He admitted to one other affair after that but I am convinced now that he was likely cheating on me for our whole 15 year relationship.  No way shape or form was I nor did it occur to me to cheat on him back then.  I'm not proud of the fact that a year and a half ago I did sit him down to express that I felt he wasn't meeting my needs (emotionally) in the marriage and something needed to change.  He (as usual) made promises but never followed through and at that point, obviously not thinking clearly after years of FOG, I did pursue an emotional connection outside the marriage.  I told him what was happening last year and (long story short), he got on the phone with the guy and thanked him for being there for me when he couldn't but that he was going to make the changes needed from his side to improve our marriage.  Thus followed a year of chaos and lies in which he pretended to get help until I finally said I'd had enough and ended things.  I'm only now seeing much clearer how absolutely toxic the marriage was.  For both of us.  

[hashtag_loyal]

My dBPDxgf never accused me of cheating. Quite the contrary, she wanted me to have other girls on the side. I didn't believe her at first, but she kept bringing it up so often I guess she actually wanted me to do it (I never did, btw) but I guess that might be projection on her part. At one point she asked if I was interested in polygamy! (Um... .What?  )

Of course she was cheating on me the whole time, despite telling me how she loved me "to the moon and back" and how she "hated cheaters" and would never cheat herself. Of course she also told me about how her exes used to sleep around on her (although now I know that she was the one doing the cheating, and she cheated on every last one of her exes!)

[shatra]

Humble daisy wrote---

Her, drunk: "You need to pack your things and get out of here immediately, I cannot live with someone who can't trust me and who is constantly accusing me of cheating."

Me: "I am not constantly accusing you of anything, I am asking if I need to be concerned about you and Mitch, your actions have me wondering."

----Do u know why she said that? Why would she threaten to leave because you were asking her if she was cheating or not? Why wouldn't she just answer you and not threaten to leave?

----Hashtag, why on earth would your ex want you to be with other females?  I though BPDs were jealous?

[JSF13]

----Hashtag, why on earth would your ex want you to be with other females?  I though BPDs were jealous?[/quote]
Mine at first was ALL about trying to bring another girl home. She was VERY serious about doing it. She would always bring it up. She even went as far as showing other coworkers naked pics of me. When she told me I flipped.

Then all of a sudden she just completely changed and became completely obsessive, possessive and unfathomable jealous... .Went as far as telling an ex of mine who I am friends with that said to her how happy she was to see me so happy that if she came near us she would and I quote "cut and bury her".

[hashtag_loyal]

----Hashtag, why on earth would your ex want you to be with other females?  I though BPDs were jealous?

Mine at first was ALL about trying to bring another girl home. She was VERY serious about doing it.

Yeah, we talked a lot about having a 3-way, but after 9 months it never happened. In fact, there was one of her ex-coworkers who was interested and I gave the green light, but ultimately my ex "couldn't do it." I'm sure she could've arranged at least a few threesomes if that was something she actually wanted to do (instead she decided to put all her energy into finding other guys for herself to cheat with.)

So Shatra, I think you are right and that my ex would've been very jealous. I expected as much, which is one reason I never pursued it.

As to why she would say that? Her stated reason was that she "didn't want to limit" me. Whatever that means. I guess she was motivated by a fear of abandonment, and was ok with potentially sharing me if that meant she was less likely to completely lose me. Either that, or it was projection on her part so that she would feel less shame when she inevitably started cheating on me.

[ICantFixHer]

Do u know why she said that?

Because she has BPD?

[hashtag_loyal]

Do u know why she said that?

Because she has BPD?

Zing!  

[Confused?]

Mine accused me of cheating or liking certain friends of mine that were girls. Also used to say that all my friends do is have sex with eachother (which is totally untrue unless you count the ones that are actually dating or married to eachother). She also used to bring up the threesome thing. I always said I wouldn't like that because I feel like when two people are together that they should only be sexually involved with eachother. I think since pwBPD lie so often they can tell when someone else is lying. Kind of like a poker player and seeing another players tells. It just seemed to be reassuring her that I was only into her. That or it was just a bunch of mind blank head games that she loved to play. Either way she ended up cheating on me so that's that. I guess the next girl I'm with that accuses me of cheating without any reason will be kicked to the curb. Lesson learned.

[willtimeheal]

I was  accused of cheating all the time. What I realized over time was if she was accusing me of something... .then she was probably doing it.  She was a cheater, liar, manipulator, and honestly just not a nice person. It's hard to believe there are people that nasty and mean in this world.

[SummerStorm]

We were never in an actual relationship, but my former friend BPD cheated with me and would always want to know what I was doing on my phone.  I was always getting, "Who are you texting?"  Once, she saw the notification light blinking on my phone and told me about it and then asked, "Is that a Facebook notification?"  I had deactivated my account years before this, but it seemed at the time like she was convinced that I had this whole FB life that didn't include her.  Eventually, she made a Twitter account so she could follow me on there.  Literally, this was her main reason for creating one.  I was the only "real" person she followed; everyone else was a celebrity.  She told me she was jealous of co-workers I talked to (a gay man and a married woman).  She isolated me from my parents when she came over to my house.

Now, her ex-boyfriend got it even worse than I did, especially after she had cheated with me.  He said she accused him of cheating at least five times.  Eventually, she deleted his female friends from his phone and wouldn't let him speak to any female but her.  She also told him I was crazy and that he shouldn't text me.  She would post passive aggressive messages on FB about him paying more attention to his phone than to her.  She also asked him if he had ever considered hooking up with his female cousin, who lived with him. 

The really funny thing is that, as soon as they broke up, all of his female friends started commenting on his FB posts again. 

[JSF13]

----Hashtag, why on earth would your ex want you to be with other females?  I though BPDs were jealous?

Mine at first was ALL about trying to bring another girl home. She was VERY serious about doing it.

Yeah, we talked a lot about having a 3-way, but after 9 months it never happened. In fact, there was one of her ex-coworkers who was interested and I gave the green light, but ultimately my ex "couldn't do it." I'm sure she could've arranged at least a few threesomes if that was something she actually wanted to do (instead she decided to put all her energy into finding other guys for herself to cheat with.)

So Shatra, I think you are right and that my ex would've been very jealous. I expected as much, which is one reason I never pursued it.

As to why she would say that? Her stated reason was that she "didn't want to limit" me. Whatever that means. I guess she was motivated by a fear of abandonment, and was ok with potentially sharing me if that meant she was less likely to completely lose me. Either that, or it was projection on her part so that she would feel less shame when she inevitably started cheating on me.

Mine said she felt like she needed to share. I was only really into it in the heat of the moment but the rest of my time I was beyond perfectly content with just her it wasn't even a thought to me.

[English Sid]

After I came home from work one night, my ex actually said that she had been watching me from the balcony of our apartment walking home and that I was with another woman.

This was total nonsense and after reading a lot about BPD, I now realise it was pure projection on her part.

[C.Stein]

My ex never directly accused me of cheating.  I however was insecure with her right from the beginning after she issued a veiled treat to cheat on me.  I kept it mostly under control but I admit to doing some insecure things like questioning her about certain things she did or said, asking her who was texting her, etc...   It mostly came out when we were fighting, but I never directly accused her of cheating, but I certainly may of implied it a few times.  

There were certainly times when I felt like she was being less than honest and/or holding back details.  I felt like I had to interrogate her in order to get the whole story.  I hated doing that!  She started out very honest and open and then got more secretive and closed after the first discard.   She was never very good at communicating and was very emotionally immature.  All in all I think I overboard with the insecurity for the most part given circumstances but I wonder if I had something to do with her getting more secretive.  She did however get insanely jealous if I commented on the looks of any woman.  Only did it twice, both times were in relation to actresses in movies.  Funny thing is, she didn't have a problem when I commented on the looks of a guy.

[hurting300]

I accused her

[SandWitch]

Just a thought about the 3 way thing.  If they do not want a monogamous relationship it seems that they encourage 3 ways.  Then in a way you have okay'd the need to not be monogamous.  It is also a step away from "we already have 3 ways" BTW I slept with the cashier.  No knocking folks who chose this lifestyle but did feel that pressure in my relationship. Thing was he wanted to be "shared".  Glad I didn't cave as painful as the separation was.  Now addressing my own characteristics that allowed me to be swept off my feet and to give away my own power.  It will be a long, long road.  Awful part is part of me still cares - I know there is no way we can be together.  I feel as if I abandoned him at times . . . but have to remember my job is to take care of me and that though I enjoyed many things about the relationship in the end it was toxic for me.  That ain't going to help anyone. 

[Gonzalo]

My dBPDxgf never accused me of cheating. Quite the contrary, she wanted me to have other girls on the side. I didn't believe her at first, but she kept bringing it up so often I guess she actually wanted me to do it (I never did, btw) but I guess that might be projection on her part. At one point she asked if I was interested in polygamy! (Um... .What?  )

My ex- and I were in an open poly relationship, but it was her first. She told me that she had said the same thing yours did to her previous mono partners. It was along the lines of 'if you're away on a trip and there's a hot girl at the bar, pick her up!', though her previous partners never took her up on it. At the time I thought it just meant that she was open to nonmonogamous relationships, but now I suspect it was part of the weird BPD coping mechanisms. I think the thought process was something like "everyone cheats, if we say it's OK then I can not be hurt when he (projected) inevitably cheats on me".

She didn't directly accuse me of cheating, but because our relationship was open I would have had to put in significant effort to do something that would qualify as cheating. But she would get very jealous and possessive, and make confusing accusations against me. For example, she would complain that I went to see someone else (not even limited to people I was dating, this could be hanging out) when she was upset, even though she was 'upset' about half the time, saying that it showed I didn't care about her feelings. She would come up with convoluted complaints that amounted to 'you're spending more energy or doing things with this partner that you won't do with me' which both wasn't true and inevitably weren't fixed by anything I agreed to do to help her. Looking back, there was a LOT of projection in those.

[Little oak]

Mine got angry about women I met before I met her , I also had an old phone that I never used but had pics of an ex partner on. I honestly forgot about it but recall going home after work one day and she was acting weird. Turns out she went through my old phone unlocked the password on it and was mad my ex was in my phone. I'd Not used said phone for months but she clearly went looking for something as she put a lot of effort in to break the password... .turned up she was meeting up with a guy and although I don't think anything physical went on there was certainly some form of emotional affair or whatever you want to call it going on. As was stated before whenever I questioned anything layer upon layer of sh!t was thrown at me so we never even got to address the issue,I always ended up defending myself. Things became so distorted and twisted you end up forgetting what you wanted to discuss originally and it usually ended on being asked to leave or I was left feeling like crap

[willtimeheal]

My exBPDgfs favorite line was "I hate cheaters and liars!"  She would say it with the nastiest look on her face. This was her way of accusing me of cheating.  I never cheated. What I did learn was when that line was spoke, "I hate cheaters and liars" it meant she was cheating on me.

[hashtag_loyal]

My exBPDgfs favorite line was "I hate cheaters and liars!"  She would say it with the nastiest look on her face. This was her way of accusing me of cheating.  I never cheated. What I did learn was when that line was spoke, "I hate cheaters and liars" it meant she was cheating on me.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[JSF13]

My exBPDgfs favorite line was "I hate cheaters and liars!"  She would say it with the nastiest look on her face. This was her way of accusing me of cheating.  I never cheated. What I did learn was when that line was spoke, "I hate cheaters and liars" it meant she was cheating on me.

I have never found out if she cheated but I'm going to assume she did as I was CONSTANLY accused of it. She swore by honesty and loyalty and hated liars and cheaters. Well everything she said was a lie and I was always being examined being called a liar so I'm gonna roll with the loyalty part was a farce as well.