This is an update for this previous thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214809.msg12352946#msg12352946I did end up going to visit Dad right after finals. My husband was able to come with me. I got to see in person how he looked, and while he wasn't as bad as BPDsis made him sound, he was still very frail.
I found out he was having surgery to remove the cancerous part of his esophagus on January 13, which was Monday. So on Sunday I went back to visit again to be there for him for his surgery. I stayed with his brother/my uncle who lives down the street from him and has been taking care of him while he's been ill.
But when they cut him open for surgery, the surgeon saw more tumors on his stomach. He said they were too small to show up on scans, but he showed us pictures of them. Tiny little tumors dotted his stomach. The surgeons said they realized "there was no point" in proceeding with the surgery, and they closed him back up.
So he probably doesn't have much longer. We haven't gotten a detailed answer from the doctors about it yet. I think they're waiting for him to recover more from what surgery they did do. But the doctors were using keywords like "quality of life" that make me pretty sure they're going to focus more on palliative care from now on.
I won't be able to see my therapist again until next week, which I guess is why I'm posting to the board now. I've just been on this emotional rollercoaster ride for the last several days.
This would be hard enough for me to handle already, but BPDmom and BPDsis have to make it so much worse! Sis is still furious at Dad for "kicking her out" to go live with Mom, even though he's in absolutely no shape to take care of her while he's battling cancer. Right before he got his diagnosis, sis had been in the mental hospital for being suicidal, and Dad had been doing things like making sure she gets out of bed in the morning, eats, takes her medications, goes to her appointments, etc. Now she seems to be upset that everyone is worried about Dad and don't care enough about her problems.
While Dad was in surgery and recovering, my uncle took away his cell phone and turned it off so mom and sis couldn't bother him, because they stress him out so much. But Mom managed to track him down anyway and called him on the hospital phone. I wasn't there when that happened (thankfully), but from what Dad told me, she mostly talked about how she felt when she had her C-sections. That sounds like a typical Mom thing. Whenever anything bad is happening to anyone, her response is to compare it to some experience she had that she thinks was worse.
I have Mom's emails blocked on my computer, so she started emailing my husband when she found out I was going to be in town to visit Dad, and DH said she wanted me to come pick up some stuff I still have in her attic while I was there (mostly childhood toys, which is stuff I would like to have back), or else she's going to throw them away, because she's suddenly decided she's moving to Florida. My husband replied telling her now was not a good time for that. Of course that made her furious, so maybe she did throw them away. But I knew that was her way of getting me to come over to her house so she could confront me, and it was a way for her to take my attention off Dad.
The way I've been handling this so far is to not talk to Mom or Sis. No answering emails or answering the phone when they call. Whenever I talk with them, they get my all stressed out and worried about
their problems, when I should be focusing on Dad. It's like they suck me in and I actually forget about everything else but worrying about them and feeling sorry for them. My therapist has been noticing this since my dad's diagnosis, and in session he would keep trying to steer me back towards Dad, telling me I need to concentrate on him right now.
It just amazes me how this experience is showing me they really can't EVER "turn it off", even when a family member is
dying of cancer. It's almost like they're getting worse because people are paying too much attention to Dad, and they're jealous or something. And by the time I left to drive back home on Wednesday, neither Mom nor Sis had even visited Dad in the hospital, though he'll be in there until the weekend, so maybe they will later. But before I left, Dad did tell me he really appreciated me coming when my sister and mom didn't.
And frankly, I'm glad they didn't. Before I left, my therapist and I went over a battle plan on what to do if I was there at the hospital visiting with dad, and either of them showed up and started a confrontation with me. I'm glad that didn't happen and I was able to spend at least a little alone time with him, though he was really doped up on medications, so I mostly just sat there and watched TV while he slept.
I know this board is supposed to be about healing a relationship with a BPD person, but right now I just can't handle them. I just keep thinking about how my Mom turned me against Dad when I was a kid, and then I moved away and hardly spoke to him, and then my sister went to live with Dad (after Mom "kicked her out", and she got to have a relationship with him for a few years, but I never got to, and now I might not get to. I think my relationship with my dad is the one I need to heal right now.
I mean, I know I'm supposed to do some kind of SET thing with them, but I'm having a lot of trouble trying to be empathetic when I'm so angry at them for acting like this when my dad is dying. They certainly don't seem to be showing any empathy towards him or me right now.
