We need to talk

[Kabooma]

I know, interesting choice of subject titles.

The basic background:  My wife is uBPD, I've weighed all her behaviors on many scales and thanks to those on TAM forums for helping me realize what BPD is and then lead me here.  Unfortunately, she's pretty bad too.  About 4 years ago, she had an epic meltdown and made a very realistic threat that she would kill herself, and I had her committed for 72 hours.  It turned out to be a good thing, in a way, because she finally had to admit she needed professional help.  The ups and downs of that are simply that they quickly diagnosed her with depression and when she starting seeing a regular psychiatrist, the diagnoses went with her.  The meds have been adjusted a few times, and for the most part, she IS a lot better in the sense that her moods are better regulated, and tiny matters don't set her off nearly as quickly or as often as they used to.

But at the same time, the BPD behaviors continue to some degree, leading me to my post tonight.  She's always had a very, very, very abrasive personality, and most people generally don't like her, which leads to all kinds of problems at jobs.  After several years of being a stay-at-home mom, her re-entry into the job market has been a disaster.  Since the wall st crash was near the time she started trying to find work, there wasn't much to be had to begin with, so she ended up at temp agencies.  Even then, every assignment she had problems with people, and eventually the agency would stop giving her work.  She eventually worked her way though all of them, and no agency would touch her- she evenly got fired from half, and quit without notice on the other half (walked off the job).  All due to drama.  

To talk to her, it's never her fault... .Always someone else causing trouble for her.  Her last walk-off was almost a year ago.  She then spent 6 months unemployed, and finally found a part time 2nd shift job.  It is near home, and doesn't pay half bad.  She's bringing in enough extra money that we aren't hurting.  The dilemma is that when she isn't working, we aren't bringing in enough money.  So she needs to work.  We lived like paupers for 9 years while she used child-raising as an excuse (she did literally nothing for 9 years, I did most of the child-care myself, on top of working my arse off).  Whole other story...  Anyways, I know someone who knows a top manager at her job.  I asked him to check on how she's doing, and it wasn't good.

So far, he said that she has made co-workers cry, caused insane amounts of drama, and they had to replace her phone TWICE because she slams it down so hard she breaks them.  This is a far cry from the smells-like-roses stories she comes home with.  She has told me about only a couple of incidents, by her stories, they sounded minor, and I even helped her fix on by texting her boss (as her) and saying the right things to correct a wrong.  The real bullet in the chest is that he told me that they want to get rid of her, despite being short handed right now.  That's a kicker.

So, I NEED to talk to her, but my experience tells me that if I poke this hornet nest, my life will probably suck for a long, long time.  I can't tell her how I know without exposing my friend, and giving her ammo for the next time she goes to work , and she's one of those people who can't hold back when she has a bee in her bonnet... .she will walk in there and challenge everyone, and damn the consequences.

Ironically, since the last meds adjustment, she's been super sweet at home, and very little drama or blowups over the last year.

I WISH her psych would realize she's BPD

I WISH she would stop throwing gasoline on fires

I WISH she would stop the drama at jobs and just learn to deal with people

I WISH she wasn't so abrasive to everyone

I guess I'm looking for advice, I don't know how to even approach this, and I simply can't stand by and watch her self destruct at a job again.  She isn't fired yet, but if she doesn't make a 180 like right now, she will be.

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