he's testing my patience

[Rockylove]

My bf and I are repairing and somewhat remodeling a wing of the old house we live in.  I know it's often a nightmare and creates anxiety in even the most "normal" relationships.  I didn't go into the project blindly.  I knew that it would cause stress for both my bf and myself.  We had to completely gut a bathroom and the kitchen in order to fix the structural and plumbing issues.  We wanted to do the necessary repairs correctly instead of putting a giant bandaid on it as had been done so many times before to this house by previous owners. 

The problem is more of what I perceive as him testing my patience with the process than the actual work involved.  I've been home for the past 10 days (my outside jobs have been delayed) and I told him that I would be by his side helping him with this (along with a friend of his who is here to help)  It is my bf's house... .  our friend and I have to sit back and let my bf lead the project, but he's avoiding doing anything.  He griped about not being able to do it all himself, but he's got 2 able bodied people here wanting to help and he's procrastinating... .  sleeping late (directly related to staying up til the wee hours in the morning drinking) and spending most of his waking hours talking about how he needs to get his "lazy butt going" but doesn't do it. 

He knows me and the way I work and he knows I get frustrated when things are at a standstill, so it really seems that he's purposefully doing nothing to see how long it will take for me to start (what he calls) my btching.  He's said things like "you'll get tired of this before I will" and "I can live with it just as it is and it won't bother me"  Good grief!  The floor and interior walls are GONE from the bathroom and most of the kitchen!  Yes... .  stripped down to the studs and joists.  The cat loves it... .  she can come and go as she pleases through the open floor!   

He's done this many times before and I've tried everything I could to encourage continuous movement without being pushy, but I'm getting really frustrated.  I know how he will respond to my frustration and it isn't pretty.  Things have been going so well lately and I really don't want to upset the apple cart... .  but the truth is that I am the one who can't stand dirt and clutter and right now the house looks like a war zone and parts of it are flat out dangerous.  He goes on ignore.  I love to cook and do 99% of the cooking so not having a kitchen is a bigger deal for me than him (he's content sticking something in the microwave~~I prefer made from scratch meals)   

Until now I've been supportive and relatively quiet about what's been going on and let him do however much or as little as he wanted each day.  I mentioned my concerns which he acknowledged and he himself said that the late nights and excessive drinking is wearing him down.  He has had heart problems so I don't push him.  He's had to take Nitro pills more often for chest pains the past 2 weeks than I've seen him take in all of the past year.  What I'm seeing from this is that he's drinking way more than normal, smoking cigarettes and pot like a chimney and generally not doing what he knows is healthy.   

Last week we had some wonderful discussions and he revealed much regarding his past and present inner turmoil.  All last week he was over the top loving and expressing his love for me (almost to the point of being ridiculous) saying "I love you" hundreds of times a day, but there were some very sincere moments as well.  He seemed more vulnerable than I'd ever seen him and we related on a level we'd not touched before.

He had a little mini rage 2 days ago. While putting in an electrical outlet he knocked a board down that was holding up a light fixture.  Nothing serious at all, but the cussing and yelling coming from the basement was so over the top that it left his friend scratching his head~~his friend asked me "no one is hurt?... .  nothing is broken?... .  and he's getting this upset?"  I said yes and without a doubt it would be far worse if I were the only one around.  This is a guy who has known my bf for many years and has never seen that side of him before.

I could be wrong and I'm asking for feedback on this, but I feel that he's trying to get me to engage in an argument because I got too close.  I've been very conscious of my own actions/reactions and it has been beneficial in keeping him more stable, but I'm feeling like I'm being set up for a rage to end all and I'm not sure if it's because of last week's revelations or that he's stressing about the work on the house (stress about being insecure in a task is what usually gets him fired up) 

Any insights?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

If he is taking the lead and in charge of this project.  Let him

But don't worry about whether any thing gets done, and how he is using the available resources.  Not your problem.

Then go on about your life.  In fact, make other plans and let him know you are doing it and if he wants your help he needs to schedule it.  Otherwise you are just waiting around at his beck and call... .  

No need to escalate into an argument, let him do whatever he wants and you make your own choices on what you do.  A movie with a friend or something like this.

If the house is in a state you cannot live in, then start figuring out other places to live (for one or the other of you, depending on who's name it's in). 

[DyingLove]

Good Morning Rockylove,

I CERTAINLY agree with yeeter. But I'm sure if you stay at a hotel/motel the damage is going to be to you and your pockets as well.  Would be nice if there was a section of the house you can call ONLY yours while he procrastinates his butt off.  See, with me, I at least have somewhat of a fear in me if not only a responsibility to myself. The fear of no money, no home, no food, and taking the people with me that I love is a big enough issue to make me take action at any given time.  Boy this BPD stuff is a pain in the butt! BUTT I do sympathize and know where you are coming from... .  lots and lots of pressure on you and that isn't good.  I'm still under pressure from previous bouts of her BPD. Yesterday we had to assist her mom, surgical procedure, but she couldn't drive afterwards. So the mom is in the back seat and the significant others driving and taking curve like Marielle Andretti,, so I proceeded to say take it a little easier,, and almost before I uttered the last syllable she began to comment on me being a backseat driver. And then last night I made a small comment while listening to her and the seven-year-old doing homework,, and I got the typical yeah yeah yeah bug off look from her. That was enough to throw me over the edge. Then a little while later she came over to discuss things with me and I just didn't want to be bothered with her. That created an issue in itself, but she couldn't come to believe that. Damned if you do damned if you don't. I am having the most difficult time detaching and learning to detach and doing detached stuff. I tried to detach myself from seven-year-old last night, only to get mad at myself later on because this is not about us it's about the seven-year-old. She's not my blood, but I certainly love her just the same. And when somebody is not letting you be the parent that they told you you were,, well here comes the confusion.

At times I am a procrastinator to, and I personally blame it on fear. Oh did you think I was perfect? Sorry I gave anybody that impression. LOL. When I think about why I procrastinate, I often cannot come up with an answer. For instance while I'm in the middle of doing a job, things are going well, but if I stop for an extended period maybe a day or two, I just feel that I can't get started back on the project and there is some type of adrenaline releasing fear in my gut,, you know butterflies. Why this happens, I'm not entirely sure. But when I feel myself procrastinating I go back to the one thing at a time bit, and I find myself getting more done than if I didn't. While I don't smoke and I don't drink so I don't have those influences on me,, but I do have my own inconsistencies to deal with.

Seems to me you have him fighting with you every step of the way you take one step forward he takes one step back, and I know you're dying to get this project completed so you could move on to other things besides having a clean place to live and function on a daily basis. It would be different if it was a job site, but your own home... .  well I have home issues here to so I can directly relate. Maybe if you do give him a deadline, written down on paper that you will be willing to help them from such and such a date and after that you won't be available. I'm not thinking it it as a threat, but more like a business engagement. The fact that he can deal with it or live with it the way it is really sucks, because you can't or you don't want to. In normality it's all a two-way street, in BPD the traffic cop definitely has an issue. I'll keep us all abreast we want to know what happens and what works. Wishing you a wonderful Friday for what it's worth, mine didn't start off the greatest, but at least I'm here talking! :-)

[real lady]

Hi RockyLove... .  I hear you... .  I have found that just TOO MUCH contact will set them off not withstanding a stressful house renovation... .  

What I have done when I felt that "he was trying my patience" (in my situation, it is his house also and he "just doesn't want" anything done) SO I say to him "I am going to work on this and when and IF you are ready to proceed with this, you can find me over here... .  " Something FUN and for YOU like refinishing a piece of furniture that you found at a flea market, something that belongs to you and that you can do and not appear to "be waiting on him"... .  I think that it is the Narcissism that rises to the surface when "they are the leader, we are the follower and they don't give us anything to do" and we get frustrated... .  I would "move on" and do something of my own and let him and his able bodied buddies work on it... .  it is HIS house, if he wants it in shambles, he can blame himself for procrastinating rather than blaming you for "being pushy and wanting your way" (since you have ideas and are there to work and he puts you off)... .  If I were in your position, I would EXTRICATE myself from it UNTIL he wanted my help... . If he doesn't and THEN blames you that it is not completed... .  it just shows HOW SICK he is and how he is likely to continue to behave toward you over this and any similar situation.

Has anyone else run into the attitude from their pwBPD that "he doesn't need our help" but yet he expects it and BLAMES us for NOT offering or for "moving on" with our own projects instead of "waiting on him" to help him with his project... .  .it is a SICK disease... .  

[DyingLove]

Has anyone else run into the attitude from their pwBPD that "he doesn't need our help" but yet he expects it and BLAMES us for NOT offering or for "moving on" with our own projects instead of "waiting on him" to help him with his project... .  [/i][/font][/font][/color].it is a SICK disease... .  

Is that kinda like telling someone you don't want anything for Christmas... .  but you would at least be happy knowing they made some type of effort to get you something? ANd you may be dissappointed if they didn't make the effort?  Or am I confusing that with feeling a lack of appreciation?  Because if it's so... .  I'm guilty too.  But I'm not blaming anyone when it doesn't work to my expectations.  I hate when I start questioning myself.

[KateCat]

Great advice on this thread!

I'm wondering how long it had been--before you and he moved in together--since your fellow had shared his living space with a female partner. Maybe the health concerns you mention are an indication that the advice given by yeeter above might be very important to consider:

I mentioned my concerns which he acknowledged and he himself said that the late nights and excessive drinking is wearing him down.  He has had heart problems so I don't push him.  He's had to take Nitro pills more often for chest pains the past 2 weeks than I've seen him take in all of the past year.  What I'm seeing from this is that he's drinking way more than normal, smoking cigarettes and pot like a chimney and generally not doing what he knows is healthy. 

Is he reaching his breaking point with this particular form of your relationship? Can you change course in some significant way to take pressure off him?

[real lady]

Is that kinda like telling someone you don't want anything for Christmas... .  but you would at least be happy knowing they made some type of effort to get you something? ANd you may be disappointed if they didn't make the effort?  Or am I confusing that with feeling a lack of appreciation? 

I would say that is definitely feeling unappreciated/unloved especially if your so KNOWS that you are expecting it... .  this goes FAR beyond that so I don't think you are confIused... .  

I'll start a thread for this... .  thanks.

[elemental]

I am getting the impression he is feeling engulfed.

You said you are at home a lot and not working due to delays at your outside work.

I would back waaaay off and get out of the house and go do some things that you enjoy. A movie, the library... going some place where YOU can sit down and relax and enjoy yourself.

Left to himself, he may calm down and center himself. The kitchen thing I totally get, as I like a decent meal, too. Is there some place you can set up a temporary kitchen, like people do at long term camp sites? Maybe that sounds a bit silly... .  

Anyway, take care of you and your needs and it will help defray your building frustration.

My ex husband was like your bf, except my ex never has had much of a temper, just ADHD... .  which meant things he was not focused on were dragged out FOREVER. Drove me bonkers at times.  

[dawnjd]

I agree with everyone that says you should go off and do your own thing if he isn't moving forward. Maybe, to help prevent the, "You weren't here, so I couldn't do anything! It is your fault that nothing got done!" Write out an agreement that if by, say, 11:00am, no progress has begun, then you go do your own thing and he won't have you to help. The only thing that has back fired with my pwBPD and such boundaries is he argues that he has to be "In the zone" and that can't happen on a time table   . My pwBPD is an artist... .  so he is always using the "needs inspiration" and "in the zone" excuse for everything to cooking, cleaning and his job.

I hate to admit this, but I have had to use sex as a reward to motivate my SO to get something done. I hate having to do that, but it works when something needs to get done, quick! (Last time it was we had no water in the house!)

I guess you don't have this option, because it isn't your house, but I own my house. So when repair/projects are being done, I will do them with or with out him and hire help if need be (We also have an employee that works for SO, so I will pull his employee off of SO's work if I really need something done and I can't do it myself.)

I have also found that if I start working on the project and do it "wrong", SO will jump in to be the big hero. I hate pulling the whole, "I am a stupid girl, I need to be saved" act, but it works when I really need his help with something.

Rocky, Many hugs. We all understand the boat you are in. My current situation is dealing with similar issues all the time. We are putting up a workshop for SO so he can work at home more and the procrastination is driving me nuts. He finds all sorts of stupid reasons to not more forward on it. Most recently was putting a window in. He insists on a window, I say it can wait... .  get the heating and air in first. but I had to throw up my hands and just let him figure it out for himself... .  my only issue is he likes to hide money for what he thinks are "needs" and then I can't pay the bills.

Good luck!

[Rockylove]

Yeeter and Dyinglove... .  such advise... .  I feel the love flow~~I should have specified women only respond!      Staying elsewhere is almost more of an inconvenience to me than sticking it out here!  I have to have access to my tools, materials and supplies and they are here.  Aside from that, I couldn't afford to do that anyway. 

It isn't as much the wreck of a house that is concerning me... .  it's the change in his behavior.  I'm not certain if the project is overwhelming and he's getting ready to go off or if he's backing away from me because we'd gotten much closer. 

I know that my work ethic leaves him feel like a slug... .  I'm ALWAYS doing something productive and he isn't~~he's mentioned it before.  I've been really attempting to have days where I do absolutely nothing, but geez, it's really hard for me! 

There are times when I'm home for a week at a time or at least several days and he always seems genuinely glad I'm there, but maybe he's just saying that.  I don't know.  I did go out and have lunch with my sister yesterday and went to a few thrift stores on my way home.  It was a good afternoon for me... .  totally unproductive on all counts, but I had fun. 

Elemental... .  indeed the ADHD does create problems for him... .  he has trouble walking from one room to the next without getting lost!

I offered my help this morning and gave him several hours... .  Now I'm going to take a shower and enjoy the rest of the day playing with the dogs. 

As always, I appreciate the feedback (at least from the women  )  it gives me something to think about while I'm enjoying some sunshine.

[yeeter]

I offered my help this morning and gave him several hours... .  Now I'm going to take a shower and enjoy the rest of the day playing with the dogs. 

Hope you had fun!

Hugs Rocky.              Sorry, you get th male perspective whether you want it or not. 

[Grey Kitty]

It isn't as much the wreck of a house that is concerning me... .  it's the change in his behavior.  I'm not certain if the project is overwhelming and he's getting ready to go off or if he's backing away from me because we'd gotten much closer. 

Watch yourself on that one. You are in a relationship with a mentally ill person. You can help him renovate a house. You can't help him change his behavior. The best thing you can do is accept him as he is... .  and find ways of taking care of yourself.

I know that my work ethic leaves him feel like a slug... .  I'm ALWAYS doing something productive and he isn't~~he's mentioned it before.  I've been really attempting to have days where I do absolutely nothing, but geez, it's really hard for me! 

My take on this thread is really interesting. You see, my wife is the one prone to raging and such things. But between us, the roles on getting work done are usually reversed.

I am prone to procrastination. I do sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by the choices of what to do next in a huge project and have trouble deciding what to start on. When I've got people available to "help" me, managing the project well enough to keep them busy with productive stuff and still do something myself is a real challenge, and not one I meet half the time. (I'm good at doing stuff... .  managing people or tasks, not so much)

I've been the subject of much verbal abuse related to procrastination and project failures. I've been invalidated again and again this way. I've even been hurt enough that I'm overly sensitive to criticism here, and my wife thinks (with some justification!) that I have a hair trigger about it.

So one bit of advice I've got for you is BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO INVALIDATE around this. Try to let go of any expectations of how he will do things that he has responsibility for doing. And take care of yourself well enough that you are protected from the consequences of his success or failure.

Hope that helps... .  even if it is ANOTHER male perspective

[KateCat]

Ignore this male perspective at your peril, Rocky! 

[yeeter]

There is a saying I like, even for normal relationships.  But I use it a LOT in mine.  It goes like this:


"If you want me to do something for you, you can't tell me 'how'.  I'm sorry but that's the deal."


My wife has a tendency to micro manage every little thing about what someone is doing for her.  Basically you end up feeling like an employee, not a partner.  I set this boundary and it goes much better.

If she doesn't like the way it turns out I say:

"it's hard to find good help"

[Rockylove]

I hope you all know that I was kidding about the male perspective~~I actually feel it's important for me to get just that... .  the way men think in these types of situations.  It's difficult at times because I work in a male dominated field and am respected in my field for being a problem solver.  I'm well aware that there is ego involved and I'm very careful to only offer my opinion when asked.  We actually work really well together and have done several projects together with great success. 

I have no delusions of getting my bf to change his behavior... .  I only want to understand his triggers.  I may have answered my own question though, in writing a personal message, I realized that I may have blown his brain up with my philosophy on "right and wrong" which to me is not absolute and to him it is.  I suppose it's the black and white thinking, and to me there are a million shades of grey.  He's been goading me into debating the subject in an attempt to make me change my mind (which he admitted).  He tried again last night and I told him that I wasn't going to discuss it.  That is my perception and I'm entitled to it.  Then I went to bed and he continued babbling very loudly about it til he woke our friend.  He apologized and came to bed still babbling and I didn't say a word... .  I swear he was still talking after he fell asleep! 

[DyingLove]

I hope you all know that I was kidding about the male perspective~~I actually feel it's important for me to get just that... .  the way men think in these types of situations.  It's difficult at times because I work in a male dominated field and am respected in my field for being a problem solver.  I'm well aware that there is ego involved and I'm very careful to only offer my opinion when asked.  We actually work really well together and have done several projects together with great success. 

I have no delusions of getting my bf to change his behavior... .  I only want to understand his triggers.  I may have answered my own question though, in writing a personal message, I realized that I may have blown his brain up with my philosophy on "right and wrong" which to me is not absolute and to him it is.  I suppose it's the black and white thinking, and to me there are a million shades of grey.  He's been goading me into debating the subject in an attempt to make me change my mind (which he admitted).  He tried again last night and I told him that I wasn't going to discuss it.  That is my perception and I'm entitled to it.  Then I went to bed and he continued babbling very loudly about it til he woke our friend.  He apologized and came to bed still babbling and I didn't say a word... .  I swear he was still talking after he fell asleep! 

Just a quickie:  Guys can be REAL jerks!  This is coming from a guy.  My mindset is certainly in a different place than most... .  but I'll never pretend to understand the further complications of BPD on the whole male behaviour thingie.  Just wanted to add that there are some "exceptions" to the rule!  ;-)

[Rockylove]

  thanks, dlnm!

[elemental]

His house, his problem.

PIA for you, but this really is true.

[almost789]

Well, yes he probably is trying to engage you with a fight, this way he can take out his frustrations on you. Remember their like kids and push limits on purpose. You havebto be firm and let him know what your expectations are for your kitchen if he wants to start a project he needs to finish in a reasonable time.

[Rockylove]

I'm frustrated.  I'm doing my best not to get cranky.  Expectations lead to disappointment~~I expect nothing and hope that the project is expedited in a timely manner.  I'm making a run to Lowe's for materials early this morning as requested by my bf.  He said they want to get an early start.  Guess we'll see.

[AbayaLady]

Hi RockyLove,

Your situation is quite similar to one I had with my upwBPD last Friday. He kept me on the phone almost all day long while going between a desire to call out of work to "get things done" in his apartment to complaining about having "nothing to do and nowhere to go" when he got let out of work five hours early because of the blizzard in NYC! To me, a go-getter like you, this was the perfect opportunity to get the work done guilt-free (his job even paid him for a full shift because they sent everyone home!)

My upwBPD needs structure badly and will admit he doesn't know what to do when left to his own devices. I made it worse by letting him call nonstop and complain about what his father did to mess up the apartment when doing some work etc. Basically, like others said, I was "too available" and that set him off later in a way I could never have imagined.

It sounds like you right in thinking you are feeling a wave of rage coming if he's anything like my guy. I was so annoyed with how he monopolized my day at work with his whining that I fed the rage with intolerance rather than validation and it spiraled out of control. I'm not taking blame, just saying I didn't help at all.

I'm still a total newbie to all of this and I have no idea what I'm going to do in this r/s yet but I do think it would have been better for me to detach while he was complaining earlier in the day and let him figure it out for himself. I do think he felt inadequate that I was at work doing my thing and he was just pacing in circles. This exacerbated the insecurities he already suffers from and well, you know the rest.

Just stay calm when the storm hits and don't let all of this get you cranky/unable to handle the rage. By now you know what to do to keep it in check, I'm sure.

Anyway, I hope it works out. Let us know either way!

p.s. Notice all of this was about how to handle the situation/behaviors and nothing about the house. I am trying to learn this myself—they don't want/need our help with these things. They just want to be heard and to feel in control.

[Rockylove]

p.s. Notice all of this was about how to handle the situation/behaviors and nothing about the house. I am trying to learn this myself—they don't want/need our help with these things. They just want to be heard and to feel in control.

AbayaLady~~You are correct in that it is about behaviors and not the house.  Oddly enough, I woke up yesterday to the same cluttered mess of beer bottles and whatevers which got me feeling so terribly out of sorts that I sat down and cried.  My bf woke up and came into the living room and I told him that I felt like I was dumped off in a never ending frat party.  He was so sympathetic and loving!  We spent the next couple of hours alone.  It was wonderful.  He said he wants us to spend the night out on Valentine's day.  Guess we'll see how that plays out.

It seems he loves my strength, but I can't be too strong or he feels threatened.  Good grief! 

[yeeter]

I made it worse by letting him call nonstop and complain about what his father did to mess up the apartment when doing some work etc. Basically, like others said, I was "too available" and that set him off later in a way I could never have imagined.

I was so annoyed with how he monopolized my day at work with his whining that I fed the rage with intolerance rather than validation and it spiraled out of control. I'm not taking blame, just saying I didn't help at all.

I do think it would have been better for me to detach while he was complaining earlier in the day and let him figure it out for himself.

You are onto it Abaya.  First... .  he monopolized your time BECAUSE YOU LET HIM!  Stop letting him.

Then your comment about not helping things is part of it, but in fact you MADE THINGS WORSE.  The lessons will teach you how to draw some boundaries, and disengage when you see things spiraling out of control and to 'stop making things worse".  So it wasnt that you didnt help... .  you actually had a part and contributed to making it worse.

These things all come together and cause resentment in your partner.  You start blaming them for YOUR feelings (sound familiar?).  Perhaps the very hardest thing in staying in the relationship is learning how to prevent a feeling of resentment towards your partner.  After all, its imbalanced, unfair, unstable, etc etc... .  we have a 'right' to feel resentment.  Its just that resentment kills a relationship, so if you are serious about staying with it then its YOUR responsibility to prevent your own resentment from building.

(sorry I know this sounds really direct, but Im just sharing what I had to get through myself to take my own OWNERSHIP of the things I could control, and control them in a direction that was possible (not necessarily how I wished it worked, but how it actually does), for the benefit of making the relationship 'work'. 

Its a great sign that you are seeing some of these things and how the dynamics interact.   

[Grey Kitty]

I have no delusions of getting my bf to change his behavior... .  I only want to understand his triggers. 

This comment in the middle of your older response struck me. I may be reading more into it than what is there, but I do see something in it.

If you try to "understand his triggers" that seems likely to lead in directions that will make things worse instead of better.

The most common reason to worry about "triggers" is so you can safely walk on eggshells and not cause a blow-up. That doesn't work well--that is why we are all here!

What really helps is taking care of ourselves, realizing that his explosions are his own, and you don't have to blow up with him, setting boundaries, and learning to validate.

When it comes to triggers I have this image of an avalanche which happens after a hiker whistles or drops one pebble. Yes, that was a trigger. But it wouldn't have done anything without a steep mountainside of loose rock, which then got tons of heavy snow added. The bigger and older source(s) of the instability inside a person or a relationship are far more important than the one unprepared and poorly thought out sentence that made it all come out!

The real solutions are to let go of his problems and let him deal with them in his way and on his schedule... .  and take care of yourself and your own problems.

[Rockylove]

If you try to "understand his triggers" that seems likely to lead in directions that will make things worse instead of better.

The most common reason to worry about "triggers" is so you can safely walk on eggshells and not cause a blow-up. That doesn't work well--that is why we are all here!

What really helps is taking care of ourselves, realizing that his explosions are his own, and you don't have to blow up with him, setting boundaries, and learning to validate.

I probably didn't explain myself well enough, Grey Kitty.  You are absolutely correct in that safely walking on eggshells doesn't work.  However, the rages came as quite a shock to me... .  they were seemingly out of nowhere, but in retrospect, it ONLY happens when the stress level is high~~but he wouldn't say a word about being stressed!  Instead of telling me that he was stressed and what he was stressing about he would rage about something very unrelated.  Understanding this helped me talk to him about stressful situations and he now lets me know what he's feeling anxious about.  It doesn't mean that I can solve all his problems or that I even want to... .  but there are times when I CAN do something to help the situation, but if I can't at least I can validate his feelings. 

[Grey Kitty]

 

Keep up the good work! And remember... .  validating instead of doing anything else IS helping the situation!

To (mis-?)quote Jack Sparrow (in a way that we can't safely do in our relationships)... .  "The problem isn't what you think it is. The problem is your response to the problem" And validating helps THAT problem!

[AbayaLady]

Perhaps the very hardest thing in staying in the relationship is learning how to prevent a feeling of resentment towards your partner.  After all, its imbalanced, unfair, unstable, etc etc... .  we have a 'right' to feel resentment.  Its just that resentment kills a relationship, so if you are serious about staying with it then its YOUR responsibility to prevent your own resentment from building.

(sorry I know this sounds really direct, but Im just sharing what I had to get through myself to take my own OWNERSHIP of the things I could control, and control them in a direction that was possible (not necessarily how I wished it worked, but how it actually does), for the benefit of making the relationship 'work'. 

Thank you so much Yeeter for this advice (and direct is best!). I have since decided to leave because I have realized I really can't commit to a lifetime of maintaining this relationship and accept that this is the way things are. It's still early for us (three months and we live 1,000 miles apart) and I cannot imagine bringing children into this situation, or even living with this person who I still don't really know/understand. It will just make things harder later.

I had so much hope at the beginning of my realization of what was making him act this way, I read all the books, and found a lot of help here. But I know my limits and what I can control now, and I can't live with him the way he is so it's more merciful to leave now. It breaks my heart and I feel for him/wish he would find a way to get better some day but I don't see that happening.

[yeeter]

Thank you so much Yeeter for this advice (and direct is best!). I have since decided to leave because I have realized I really can't commit to a lifetime of maintaining this relationship and accept that this is the way things are. It's still early for us (three months and we live 1,000 miles apart) and I cannot imagine bringing children into this situation, or even living with this person who I still don't really know/understand. It will just make things harder later.

I had so much hope at the beginning of my realization of what was making him act this way, I read all the books, and found a lot of help here. But I know my limits and what I can control now, and I can't live with him the way he is so it's more merciful to leave now. It breaks my heart and I feel for him/wish he would find a way to get better some day but I don't see that happening.

Abaya,

Many hugs your way   

Congratulations on your decision.  You have read, learned, and are making the best decision you know how to do for yourself -in a thoughtful and considerate way.  So go forward confident in knowing this.

While this IS the staying board, I believe many of us land here in part from not understanding what we were up against early in the relationship.  Then it gets more complex/more codependent, enmeshed, and the choices we have are fewer.  I for one certainly feel that 'knowing what I know now' - I would have made different decisions early in the relationship so kudos to you for doing your homework up front.

Wishing you the very best of luck going forward.  Come back any time, but more likely you have learned, and will move on with your life and never look back.

[Grey Kitty]

I had so much hope at the beginning of my realization of what was making him act this way, I read all the books, and found a lot of help here. But I know my limits and what I can control now, and I can't live with him the way he is so it's more merciful to leave now. It breaks my heart and I feel for him/wish he would find a way to get better some day but I don't see that happening.

 Sorry to hear about the heartbreak.   But glad to hear you are clear in what you want and need.

One last thought... .  what you learned here will serve you even if you are lucky enough to never be involved with anybody else with this disorder. I remember making my new year's resolution (in 2012) to work being good at validation. Because it will help me have good relationships with all humans, BPD or "normal."