He wants to marry me... now I'm not so sure

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had to ask the question... .  and I'm glad I got the answer, but I'm not sure that he's being totally honest.  I asked him why he wants to marry me.  He said "because I love you and you want to get married."  To expand the thought... .  I asked why he thought I wanted to marry him and his response was "to control me."  I told him that I didn't think people should marry unless they both wanted to make that kind of commitment and that I didn't want to control him or change him~~I love him just as he is and if there was one thing that I actually could change would be the way that he thinks about himself because I felt that he was a wonderful person.  He hugged me tightly. 

Now... .  why would anyone want to marry someone that would want to control them~~unless it's because they want to be controlled.  Then my thoughts go to the darker side... .  is this another way for him to have some kind of control over me? 

Right now, I just don't care about marrying him... .  it doesn't seem important enough to me and if he's got some strange notions that I've got some ulterior motive for marrying him, it makes it less and less appealing.  Big sigh.

By the way... .  I'm listening to the Self-Acceptance Project recordings... .  I'm liking this

[Rockylove]

I had to ask the question... .  and I'm glad I got the answer, but I'm not sure that he's being totally honest.  I asked him why he wants to marry me.  He said "because I love you and you want to get married."  To expand the thought... .  I asked why he thought I wanted to marry him and his response was "to control me."  I told him that I didn't think people should marry unless they both wanted to make that kind of commitment and that I didn't want to control him or change him~~I love him just as he is and if there was one thing that I actually could change would be the way that he thinks about himself because I felt that he was a wonderful person.  He hugged me tightly. 

Now... .  why would anyone want to marry someone that would want to control them~~unless it's because they want to be controlled.  Then my thoughts go to the darker side... .  is this another way for him to have some kind of control over me? 

Right now, I just don't care about marrying him... .  it doesn't seem important enough to me and if he's got some strange notions that I've got some ulterior motive for marrying him, it makes it less and less appealing.  Big sigh.

By the way... .  I'm listening to the Self-Acceptance Project recordings... .  I'm liking this

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Take2]

Hi Rockylove... .    I think it's awesome that he wants to be with you and marry you and can express that to you... .  but to control you?  That's frightening... .    I don't know that it's a sign that HE wants to be controlled though?  I think my BPDbf truly wants to be in control - if he could control every aspect of me, then he might finally feel secure.

My mind goes to a darker side at just the thought of someone wanting to control me.

You sound grounded though... .  and able to think things through... .    good for you... .     and congrats btw... .  !   

[Rockylove]

Hi Rockylove... .    I think it's awesome that he wants to be with you and marry you and can express that to you... .  but to control you? 

Perhaps you misunderstood... .  He thinks I want to marry him so that I can control him.  I'm not exactly sure where that comes from, but I'm certain I'll hear about it at some point in the future.  He eventually comes out with an explanation for his thoughts.  In the meanwhile... .  life goes on.  I've told him that it wasn't important for us to be married and that I don't feel the need to control or change him~~I passed the ball and it's now in his court.  I told him that he asked me to marry him, not the other way around.  He'll have to decide if he wants to and make the arrangements to do so... .  if not, things go on just as they are.  I'm content.

[Take2]

Yep,  I totally got that one backwards!

Sorry about that... .  !

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

   Good for you! I think that BPD has an affect on people where they think that they have no control whatsoever. In a way, I think that there are times that they do want to be controlled... .  sort of like having an anchor on a boat to help keep them stable. Of course, if a non takes that idea and runs with it, it creates resentment on the part of the pwBPD. I think my wife sometimes gets surprised still when I don't try to control things. In a way, she seems a bit lost when she realizes she has control over her life. It really puts a damper on rages and acting out when the pwBPD truly realize that they have control over their lives.

   Hope you have been doing well.

[hithere]

Now... .  why would anyone want to marry someone that would want to control them~~unless it's because they want to be controlled.  Then my thoughts go to the darker side... .  is this another way for him to have some kind of control over me? 

I vote for projection! He is really saying why would you want to marry me because then I will have more control over you.

[Dawning]

Yes, here another vote for projection. As BPD's have no or little empathy, it would be hard for them to imagine why you want to marry. And thus his answer is why he would marry. For control... .  

[cska]

My dBPDgf has admitted that whatever good things I do for her, she constantly suspects me of doing it b/c I have an ulterior motive. Even if its clear as day that I dont. So maybe your signification other can't shake the thought that you want to marry him for an ulterior purpose (in your case, control).

I'm sorry to hear that Rocky

[Rockylove]

My dBPDgf has admitted that whatever good things I do for her, she constantly suspects me of doing it b/c I have an ulterior motive. Even if its clear as day that I dont. So maybe your signification other can't shake the thought that you want to marry him for an ulterior purpose (in your case, control).

I'm sorry to hear that Rocky

so much happens so quickly.  My head is in a constant whirlwind.  He always says that I've got an ulterior motive... .  I can't take care of myself and want him for his money.  He knows my hot buttons and pushes them whenever he feels the need.  I'm not 100% 100% of the time.  I have my flaws.  I work on fixing what I know needs fixing.  I have nothing to gain by marrying him.  He knows this.  I get nothing but a piece of paper because he doesn't share the concept of marrying for the commitment.  I'm too naive.  I'm too trustful... .  and now I'm just too angry.

[cska]

Hang in there Rocky, be strong 

Yes, I know about the hot buttons. My gf would always attempt to hit me where it hurts the most.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Rockylove, hang in there! 

Boy, do I recognise having my buttons pushed. It's no fun. Maybe getting angry is not so bad? It may give you a little "umphf" and a little looking-out-for-Rockylove in your step!

PS

I don't come here much at the moment, but wanted to stop by and see how you were doing

[hithere]

I have nothing to gain by marrying him.

More importantly, what do you have to lose?

[slimmiller]

Perhaps you misunderstood... .  He thinks I want to marry him so that I can control him.  I'm not exactly sure where that comes from, but I'm certain I'll hear about it at some point in the future.  He eventually comes out with an explanation for his thoughts.  In the meanwhile... .  life goes on.  I've told him that it wasn't important for us to be married and that I don't feel the need to control or change him~~I passed the ball and it's now in his court.  I told him that he asked me to marry him, not the other way around.  He'll have to decide if he wants to and make the arrangements to do so... .  if not, things go on just as they are.  I'm content.

My though here is, is that what you really want? I would explore this on a deeper level before just going along with it if it were me. Course I say this because I was once right where you are. I went along with it because her undying devotion at the time allowed her to convince me things will get better... .  :'(  They actually only got pregressively worse.

And I will echo what others pointed out, it is ultimately to get more control. Love in the true sense does not have the need to control.

Your last sentence tells a lot though. Stay grounded and content and make decisions in that context. I think they at times they count on us being on less then sound footing, it makes it easier to manipulate us so to speak

[KateCat]

Good going, Rocky!

If it's true that the success rate for individuals embarking on a fourth marriage is roughly 7% (no divorce after five years), then it would be a good thing for Mr. Rocky to be able to tell you more about what he is thinking and feeling as he approaches a decision to marry you.

I'm sure you'll be looking forward to hearing more about this. 

[hithere]

the success rate for individuals embarking on a fourth marriage is roughly 7%

Wow, brutal if true, where did you get that stat?... .  I guess those that marry that many times probably all have some sort of severe mental illness.

[KateCat]

I first heard the statistic that 83% of third marriages do not last on the Dr. Phil show. I think he wanted to underscore his frequent "past behavior predicts future behavior" mantra. It's probably harder to find reliable statistics regarding fourth marriages. (One website that takes a stab at it is allaboutfamilies.org, a biblical-based community.)

It's pretty brutal to hear, but might be good to know.

[Rockylove]

As I mentioned... .  things change rapidly and I'm not on top of my game.  I have flaws and one of them has much to do with getting very angry about being pushed out of my home.  His son was here this past weekend.  I had chatted with him a couple of days prior and said "I'll be here Saturday and Sunday.  May spend the night Sun w/ my son so I can be on time for my training which starts at 8am"  Not only did the son decide that meant I wasn't going to be home for the weekend, but then my (insert really bad names here) bf decides that I'm such a bi@tch for eluding to leaving and not doing it!  I was so angry and I let loose.  I didn't care.  I told him he wasn't who he pretended to be and that he was a chameleon.  His son got that venomous look in his eyes and started spewing some crap though thankfully the other guy that was there stopped him.  My bf was laughing at me and saying all kinds of horrible things so I took my dog and the little dog that we found together (which he happens to love more than life) and left.

I received the following texts beginning at 5:00am last one rec'd at 5:19am:

What a pathetic bi*ch you are.  You think you can hurt me.

You can steal from me but you will never have the power to hurt me beyond what I will allow no matter what you think you may have stole.  C what ur so called luvs bn wt  (if anyone can translate this one for me, I'd appreciate it)

Don't u come round here any more u keep the love u thought u had when u could only steal it. F#*k u. Everything bout u. Knew it from day 1 u ain't ___

My response was "Your word isn't everything you've said it was."

Soo... .  I texted him a message saying that I wasn't a cruel person and I knew how much the little dog meant to him and that I'd be bringing the little guy back.  I returned the little dog to him and he was acting like nothing had happened.  I didn't bring my dog back to the house.  I got a few more of my things that I need for the week and he asked about my work.  I told him what my schedule was like for this week, but neither one of us mentioned my returning.  He has been texting me this evening and I've responded.  I don't know if he expects that I'll just return when I'm done with my training, but I've no intention of going back to the same ol' crap.  I'm loosing my cool and I don't like it.  I'm letting him get to me and I don't like it.  I'm not being strong and I don't like it.  I'm starting a new job and I need to focus on new things.  I'll not be distracted by his insanity.  If he wants me to return I will make it clear that it will not happen without counseling.  Right now, I'm keeping my distance, being polite and normal... .  but non committal.  The only decision I'm making at the moment is what to pack for lunch tomorrow.

[qwaszx]

on the control note, i dont think they want to be in control, its more they need to be in control, my friend once told me "i hate being like a puppet master, i dont want to be in control of other people, its not right, the only thing i want to be in control of is my self."

[Grey Kitty]

  Re-reading this thread, going from discussion of marriage to rage and wondering about whether to come back... .  over two days! I'm so sorry you are going through this crazy-making stuff, RL! 

The only decision I'm making at the moment is what to pack for lunch tomorrow.

Good approach for tonight!

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

   I'm so sorry to hear that things have continued to cycle. One thing that has helped me, is reading about the Karpman Triangle, and striving to stay "in the middle," no matter which point of the triangle my dBPDw tries to push me into at any given time. It is difficult and takes practice. No doubt about that.

  If you haven't read-up on the Karpman Triangle, the link below was really helpful to me: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0.

[arabella]

Oh, Rockylove, what a nightmare!  Your boy sounds like he's having quite the week. Good for you for getting out and staying so calm. I admire your strength here in setting your mind to make changes and knowing your own limits.

Take care of yourself (treats in those lunches!) and let us know how you're doing this week, ok?

[Rockylove]

ok... .  I hate this laptop... .  just wrote the whole saga and it disappeared!  Let's just say that he's pulling the "I think I'm having a heart attack, but you don't need to come home" routine.  UGH!  I told him that I wanted to be there for him (even though it would take me almost 2 hrs to get to the store where my training is) but he got angry and said that he thinks I'm trying to kill him because I'm starting a fight.  Good grief!  I told him that I'll just have to believe that he's ok and that he'll call me if there is something really wrong.  He said "if I can I will"  GEEZ!  Mr Drama Queen!  I've done my part.  I'm enjoying a glass of wine after playing several crazy games with the grand kids and crawling around the floor with toy cars.  My wonderful son is reading to his 4 yr old son and my lovely daughter-in-law is having my grand daughter read to her (great practice for a kindergarten kiddo)... .  this is a wonderful life and I'm so grateful to be able to see my son raising his kids.

[arabella]

You have the patience of a saint. Seriously. He's moved on from stroke symptoms to a heart attack now? Well, at least 911 is only three buttons if he needs them (and I hope you know I wouldn't joke if I thought he would actually need them!)

I'm taking my cue from you today and remembering to count my blessings. Sometimes it's too easy to get lost in the negative and forget just how much positive is actually surrounding us!

[Grey Kitty]

Let's just say that he's pulling the "I think I'm having a heart attack, but you don't need to come home" routine.  UGH!

UGH is right. I suppose the serious response would be "Hang up, call 9-1-1, and I'll meet you at the hospital."

Enjoying your grandkids sounds better. 

[Rockylove]

Let's just say that he's pulling the "I think I'm having a heart attack, but you don't need to come home" routine.  UGH!

UGH is right. I suppose the serious response would be "Hang up, call 9-1-1, and I'll meet you at the hospital."

Enjoying your grandkids sounds better. 

Sometimes I just have to chuckle that my 6 and 4 year old grand kids are more mature than he is!  He got his co ddling on Saturday and I worked a 12 hour day Sunday and today.  I'm not going back "home" until Wednesday night so he'll have to live until then if he wants to see me. 

I'm now the worst grandma in the world!  LOL  My son wanted to take his wife out tonight and after such a long day, I paid him $20 to put the kids to bed before they left so I could go to bed!     Good night, all!  I'll let you know if I've got to make funeral arrangements... .  but I'm doubting my bf will expire before Wednesday.