Really struggling today...

[janey62]

I'm trying really hard not to contact him today.  I want to so much though it's almost too much to bear.

I'm feeling really ill, was off work all last week and still feel rubbish today.  I am all alone here, with just my dogs, and I wish he was here to look after me.  I can't stop crying today.  Really bad day... . Don't know whether I can resist the need I'm feeling.  I know it will end badly and start the hurting all over again, for us both, but I miss him so much.

Janey

[maxen]

i'm sorry janey!

these are hard moments, god i know it.

[janey62]

And then as if a miracle had happened, I get an email from him 10 minutes ago telling me how angry he is with me for sending him information about DBT some days ago and that he is seeing someone new who makes him happy.

This was closely followed by another email accusing me of being a bad person, bad mother, bad daughter and that he hates me and can't even wish me luck!  Also threatening to tell my employer about my son's dabbling with cannabis at university (I work in rehab).

This is a result!  I couldn't have asked for more.  He totally has reinforced my reasons for not being with him and the sad aching longing for him has vanished like mist.

Thank you universe!

[janey62]

Thank you maxen for your kind response... . I'm feeling a bit better now though as you can see.

Life goes on.  I'm sorry for you that you know how this feels.  Really no one should have to go through this misery!

Janey x

[living in the past]

Hi,its funny how when the pain lessens,we want to call pwBPD to make us feel good,i to am trying not to call friend,two weeks now,thanks for your reminder that i am not alone and they are a source of pain.

[winston72]

Hey Janey... . this is quite a cycle within the same day!  How easy it is to lean into the warm, connected memories without placing them in the context of the whole relationship... . and what a "gift" it was for you to collide head on with his chaotic attributes.  Sometimes the contact with such as those emails helps to shape our emotions to be better aligned with the facts of the relationship.

[maxen]

Thank you maxen for your kind response... . I'm feeling a bit better now though as you can see.

it really does seem providential!

[myself]

PwBPD show their spots. Can't help it.

I've felt to contact my ex when feeling sick or sad, and also when I was feeling great. When feeling bad, it was to get my needs met. When feeling good, it was to get my needs met. There were many times I received an email like the one you just got, when contacting her. Other times, things went well, which meant we started another recycle, which eventually lead to more emails like the one you just got.

They weren't able to be there for us when we were with them. We need to let go of thinking they will be there for us now. It's a hard truth to face but it's the truth. Sorry you're feeling so up and down. The farther we go, the better.

[janey62]

Thanks all for your support... .  

Living in the past, you're so not alone. 

I forgot to say that the time delay between me wanting to call him and his venomous email was filled by being on here and reading what others have written.  If I'd called him this morning, who knows where I'd be now? 

If I can ever help you in a similar situation then don't hesitate to ask.   

Janey xx

[Fool for Love]

PwBPD show their spots. Can't help it.

I've felt to contact my ex when feeling sick or sad, and also when I was feeling great. When feeling bad, it was to get my needs met. When feeling good, it was to get my needs met. There were many times I received an email like the one you just got, when contacting her. Other times, things went well, which meant we started another recycle, which eventually lead to more emails like the one you just got.

They weren't able to be there for us when we were with them. We need to let go of thinking they will be there for us now. It's a hard truth to face but it's the truth. Sorry you're feeling so up and down. The farther we go, the better.

Same here about wanting to contact during periods of ups and downs ... . But they replace us very easy ... . and when they have a new victim you are the last thing on his/hers mind. It's when they are put into a place they don't like when they will contact you . It's a cycle ... . hate you one day ... . then miss you the time.

[winston72]

PwBPD show their spots. Can't help it.

I've felt to contact my ex when feeling sick or sad, and also when I was feeling great. When feeling bad, it was to get my needs met. When feeling good, it was to get my needs met. There were many times I received an email like the one you just got, when contacting her. Other times, things went well, which meant we started another recycle, which eventually lead to more emails like the one you just got.

They weren't able to be there for us when we were with them. We need to let go of thinking they will be there for us now. It's a hard truth to face but it's the truth. Sorry you're feeling so up and down. The farther we go, the better.

But... . next time will be different!  I know it will!  We humans are funny creatures... . I still have that inkling of hope that "next time" it will be different!  And it is almost like the greater the void, the more I fill it with hope and possibilities.  I suppose that is part of "fantasy" and "wishful thinking" which hurts me badly sometimes.  At other times and places, it is that remaining spark of life that keeps us going against all odds.  Learning to discern the reality of how to manage this aspect of my personality has become so important after my relationship. 

[Popcorn71]

These bad days are awful.  I have been having them too.

Stay strong and remember the crap he put you through.  Tomorrow is a new day that will hopefully be better for you.   

[janey62]

But... . next time will be different!  I know it will!  We humans are funny creatures... . I still have that inkling of hope that "next time" it will be different!  And it is almost like the greater the void, the more I fill it with hope and possibilities.  I suppose that is part of "fantasy" and "wishful thinking" which hurts me badly sometimes.  At other times and places, it is that remaining spark of life that keeps us going against all odds.  Learning to discern the reality of how to manage this aspect of my personality has become so important after my relationship.  

www.scientificamerican.com/article/unflagging-optimism/

Hi Winston,

I believe one of the reasons that we cling to the good and the fantasy and forget the bad in a kind of amnesic fog is that we are innately optimistic (see above link).  It's human!  We underestimate our chances of anything bad happening to us.  Perhaps then we underestimate BPD and how much it really affects the object of our love and us.  In particular note the last paragraph in the article, the consequences of over optimism are that we don't take enough steps to protect ourselves.

I can remember being re-surprised by his behaviour, for the first year as if it was happening for the first time each time; when time he came down from one of his cycles of hate and destruction, and was loving and back to himself, I optimistically believed that it wouldn't happen again and clung to the happy feeling I was having in that moment.

It seems that those without the over optimistic trait are prone to depression.  Rock and a hard place perhaps, but I'd rather be blindly optimistic than depressed!  Just seems that we have to get burned over and over before we finally realise that we're onto a loser and that retreat is the safest option.  Of course there's all our own stuff and the FOO factor to consider too.  Sigh... .

Janey x

[winston72]

Hey Janey, great post and link.  I am not likely to change my own personal optimism bias, so my best course is to exercise more discipline and wisdom on the objects of my bias... . hmmm... . that sounds like optimism bias!  Oh, no!

Realizing the brain’s partiality may be half the battle. “If you are aware of the optimism bias, you can commit to actions or rules that will help protect you,” Sharot notes. 

Still, I think it is one of the goals for this web site to encourage and enable us to see thing as they really are and adjust our behavior accordingly... . but just as that article highlighted, I would experience terrible things but only make minor adjustments.  It is hard to fully absorb how bad things really are.  I find myself continually repeating facts to myself to stay in the awareness of the bad stuff.  You see people on this site maintaining lists of hurtful episodes to remind them of what was really going on.  That optimism bias is a powerful current that keeps pulling us out to sea.

[janey62]

Indeed it does, keep pulling us out to sea, but at least we're all in the same boat 

I'm thinking of making a list, an actual physical list.  I think it's the safest way.

Janey x

[janey62]

Actually there was a thread on the Leaving board where everyone listed all the bad stuff.  That's what we were doing. 

I will have to pay it another visit. 

[Ritchie53]

Janey,

I feel for you I really do - at the end of these relationships and the discard has happened we yearn for contact, any contact, however 99.9% of the time the contact we do have is a further nail into the coffin of our already tarnished souls. It is not an easy road and right now you need a strict no contact policy. No matter how hard, no matter how difficult start stringing days together where you have no contact.

How far out of the relationship are you?

Myself personally I am just hovering on the 6 month mark and progress is starting to take shape. I am still not in a position to call myself fully healed but it is getting there. No contact spared me, it brought me out of the abyss, it is an almighty powerful tool and I hope that it can do a similar thing for you.

[HealingForMe]

Hey Janey,

I was about to post a message of empathy for the horrible day you were having, then I read your next post... . so happy for you his meaness snapped you out of your miserable day. Talk about ironic! 

I am all alone here, with just my dogs, and I wish he was here to look after me.

Remember you're not alone, your BPD family is here to provide support 

[janey62]

Janey,

I feel for you I really do - at the end of these relationships and the discard has happened we yearn for contact, any contact, however 99.9% of the time the contact we do have is a further nail into the coffin of our already tarnished souls. It is not an easy road and right now you need a strict no contact policy. No matter how hard, no matter how difficult start stringing days together where you have no contact.

How far out of the relationship are you?

Myself personally I am just hovering on the 6 month mark and progress is starting to take shape. I am still not in a position to call myself fully healed but it is getting there. No contact spared me, it brought me out of the abyss, it is an almighty powerful tool and I hope that it can do a similar thing for you.

Hi Ritchie,

I am only about 6 weeks out of it now and so still feeling a bit vulnerable.

He only just told me he is seeing someone, though not sure how happy she is making him because two days before that he was writing saying he loved me and missed me and would never forget me!  However, I'm not upset about it because it means I can now go NC.  Before I wasn't able to, partly because I was having trouble letting go, but partly because I feared for him... . he has been very low recently. 

I now think though that it will get easier because there is no ore FOG around no contact.  I can move on.  I also have a new job which is keeping me occupied, and of course all of you wonderful people.   

Hey Janey,

I was about to post a message of empathy for the horrible day you were having, then I read your next post... . so happy for you his meaness snapped you out of your miserable day. Talk about ironic! 

I am all alone here, with just my dogs, and I wish he was here to look after me.

Remember you're not alone, your BPD family is here to provide support 

Hey NachaLuva,

That's so sweet!  I don't feel alone because of this amazing Family, only that day when I was so ill and just wanted anyone to come and hold my hand.  I got through it though and was so relieved when he messaged me... .

Thanks for your support 

Janey xxx