I've been facing numerous challenges as a parent of a child with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). (Diagnosed in Family therapy before she dropped out of it.)
Hey Divina and welcome to the forums.
Let me ask you a quick question. What would you do if I drove to your house tonight, took your favorite jacket, then spit on you and spray painted you when I was confronted?
Because whatever that answer is, that's also what you should do with your daughter every single time she lashes out.
I get that your kid says she wants a loving relationship with you- that's really sweet. I want to learn how to fly like Superman. But the problem is, I've never done anything to begin my training...so I can't fly. Words are meaningless without actions behind them.
Your title, "what does she want", if off-base. Nobody here cares what she wants because we're here to help you. And regardless of what your kid wants, we're going to tell you not to give it to her until she's treating you like a loving, respectful daughter.
Why?
Because she's abusive, but you continue to try to give, and she continues to get more abusive. That tells us that she's not learning right from wrong, which is really your biggest job as a parent. She has to understand that bad behavior gets bad results every time, while good behavior gets good results sometimes.
You have one play here- stop enabling her. If she assaults you, call the police and have her arrested. If she steals or screams or blames you, then ask her to leave your home. Teach her right from wrong and stop allowing her to manipulate you.
I know that sounds ultra harsh, but enabling her bad behavior is making the living conditions a nightmare for everybody. It's also keeping her from becoming responsible though, which will have drastic consequences for her later in life. It has to stop for your sake and everyone else in the house.
Now, I will say that her borrowing a jacket and not returning it is not the end of the world. It is wrong, of course, but you have to learn to pick your battles when dealing with BPD. If it's that big of a deal to you, then find a suitable punishment (I'd cancel her cell phone until everything is returned...washed and neatly folded). She will naturally rebel against the punishment, which is where you ramp up the consequences again (she's not welcome there until she apologizes). You must stop walking on eggshells and accepting abuse.