Crone!  I am sorry you are going through this....I find it lower than low to use the kids as tools....again, I don't understand BPD but....I have gone on this "ride" with their Mom more times than I could count over 10 years....it is tiring...my therapist explains boundaries....and when one (me) says no, she just cannot understand....BPD is such a beast

I felt the same way about my BPD mother. But it didn't happen on her part because, she couldn't do this. To actually apologize involves feeling shame and shame is extremely difficult for someone with BPD. They avoid that to protect themselves.

Also, victim perspective. If they perceive themselves as a victim, then they don't feel a need to apologize. This also avoids shame.

It's frustrating because, everyone makes mistakes, probably steps on someone's toes sometimes, and a sincere apology is how we make amends and repair relationships, but sometimes it's not in the person's capacity to do this.

There's grief in accepting the limitations of a relationship with someone we have so much hope for. We wish for a good relationship with a parent, or a sibling but all relationships involve two people and if someone has a disorder that impacts relationships - then it's going to make for a different one.

Still, I could decide my part in this. How do I want to act in this relationship. What boundaries to have. We can treat someone decently and yet, still not allow ourselves to be treated poorly. Sometimes it's walking a fine line with this and it's not perfect. For some people, the relationship is so toxic, no contact is the best solution. For others, it could be low contact. Sometimes it changes between NC and LC at different times. One person's decision may not be best for someone else. You can decide how you wish to do this.

This is a tough one because there's going to be drama and a reaction no matter what you decide. It then becomes a choice of which drama to deal with.

Your parents mean well but they are also part of the dynamics with their enabling and (understandable) wish to keep the peace.

I commend you for going out on your own and having your own stable home and relationship. The distance is also a part of decreasing the drama between you and your sister, and it's also the "normal" part of maturation for you, as a young adult.

It seems your sister has made some progress too, but how much contact with her and what boundaries you wish to have are still your decision. Since you still are connected to other family members- parents, other relatives, you will have some contact with your sister at times too. How much will need to be your decision, based on your feelings, time, and how much feels emotionally safe to you.

You may feel pressured to let everything go and "turn over a new leaf" according to what your sister wants. People mention forgiveness but that isn't the same as having no boundaries or forgetting. It's a decision for yourself, based on giving yourself peace. It doesn't mean opening up the oportunity for being treated poorly.  One way to look at this decision is according to your own values, not your sister's wishes or ideas.

If it were me, I'd make a list of the pros and cons of "yes" and "no" and where to draw the boundary line. With my BPD mother, the line kept moving. If I said yes to a request, then there'd be another, and another, until eventually I said no- and she'd react as if I didn't say yes to any of them. It seemed that unless I agreed to everything she asked, which meant no boundaries, it wouldn't be enough for her, so I just had to come to terms with that, and agree to what I was willing to do.

One example was a birthday party of hers. She wanted us to get together with her relatives the night before but I told her everyone would have been travelling all day and wanted to rest up for the party the next day where we'd see all the relatives, and  we'd like her to join us for dinner- just her. That led to a reaction on her part, and changed the mood for the rest of the weekend.

With the wedding, showing up for a few hours in a dress the bride picks out might be tolerable for the sake of family peace and not rocking the boat with parents- however, a concern would be the associated events- the rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, and the frequent contact with the bride. As wonderful as weddings are, the brides are stressed and you don't want to be a frequent outlet for your sister's stress.

I felt similar issues when planning our family events. We'd invite BPD mother- but once she was invited, there were the phone calls over the food, the guest list, requests to invite people in her circle, and then the attention she needed during the event. It's like it opened the door to frequent contact over the event and more boundary negotiations.

Looking at a "yes"-

Saying "yes" may feel like letting your sister off the hook but it's possible that accountability on her part isn't going to happen, due to her own disordered BPD thinking. If you say "yes" to being in the wedding party- it would feel more acceptable to you if do it from your values, not about her, and also without expectations of how she behaves.

If you do say "yes", also decide on other boundaries. "Yes" also means the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner but it doesn't have to include the bridal shower, dress shopping, or being available for your sister to call you when she feels stressed.

Looking at a "no"-

If you say "no" - also do so based on your boundaries and values, because there will be a reaction from your sister and parents to deal with too.

It seemed that when there were family events involving BPD mother, she found some reason to be upset. It felt demoralizing. In examining my own feelings, I realized that I had expectations, hopes, that somehow she'd respond differently but she had her own feelings to manage.

After that I decided that if I said "yes", or did something for BPD mother, the decision would be based on me, and not with any expectations of how she was going to behave. Same with a "no". Also pay attention to your feelings. A "yes", based on wanting to do something or being willing to do it (we sometimes do things we don't always want to do- but are willing to do) then you won't feel resentful. When we say "yes" to something we aren't willing to do, but we do it out of FOG, we feel resentful.

If you say "no" to being in the wedding party and still attend, will that be awkward? Or should you not attend at all? If you say "yes" to being in the wedding party- in order to maintain some peace in the family, that includes the rehearsal dinner, you'd still have to have boundaries on the rest of it. "No" to the shower? "No" to being available for your sister to vent to? Whatever you decide- consider all the steps and aspects to this wedding and where you need to draw the boundary line, and do it without expectations of how your sister behaves. She's going to do what she does.

What would be your "comfort zone"?  Where would you prefer to be, in the wedding party or more comfortable sitting in one of the front rows?

I recall the first wedding I was in.  The groom was one of my best friends and wanted me to be his best man.  However, his bride had invited every girlfriend she knew that since they weren't in other weddings they could be in hers.  Ten bridesmaids.  So many that it was decided we all would be arranged and paired by height.  Needless to say, I was the tallest and so rather than being the best man I was the 10th man.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't be in the wedding.  I do say there are many factors involved and some could rise up out of left field.

There is something to consider about BPD traits.  Often some distance and less frequency of interaction reduces the level of discord.  If you've been on the periphery of your sister's life recently, you might ponder whether the relationship and reduced conflict might be due to the less interaction.  Or whether instead it may be that over the years and with increased maturity she may be becoming a less problematic person.  Something to ponder.

I think you've got that right.  A pwBPD is often overpowered by emotions, as well as an unstable sense of self.  The pwBPD in my life seems to have magical thinking . . . she tends to idealize a lifestyle she thinks she wants, but seems oblivious to the economic and logistical realities of the lifestyle.  As an example, she wants a Carrie Bradshaw life, i.e. living in Manhattan, buying designer clothes, dining out all the time, partying with friends, all the while seeming to have no clue about the amount of income she'd need to earn in order to support that lifestyle, let alone how hard she'd have to work to earn it.

Furthermore, I suspect that for some pwBPD, everything feels like an urgent need.  There is no differentiation between needs and wants because everything is a need.

Maybe declaring bankruptcy wouldn't be the worst thing, if she learned financial realities.  Unfortunately, student loans can't be discharged in bankruptcy, but credit card debt can be.  If she declares bankruptcy, she won't have access to credit for a time, and she'll only be able to spend what she earns.

Anyway, I guess I'd advise to listen to your daughter.  She's telling you she doesn't want to budget, and she doesn't want your advice.  Basically she's saying, she's an adult and wants to make the decisions.  I'd say, agree with her, and let her face the consequences.  You could say, "You know, you're right, you're an adult and you can spend your money however you want."  Just don't give her money or bail her out.  Now, I imagine this would be a big change, because in many families with adult BPD children, the pwBPD wants to make the decisions but have parents bear any adverse consequences.  The pwBPD might have had a decade or more experience being enabled and bailed out, in the name of preventing meltdowns, or worse, suicide attempts.  And parents don't want to see their kids suffer.  But if you step in, bail them out or "help" by paying bills all the time, they don't face the consequences of their decisions, YOU do.

I feel like saying yes almost lets her off the hook. It feels like the easy way out for her, and honestly for my family too. My mom constantly tells me that my relationship with my sister keeps her up at night and that she hates that we’re “fighting.” But the reality is, my mom and sister are very enmeshed, which makes everything more complicated, and somehow I still end up being seen as the bad guy for having boundaries.

I was genuinely impressed with how my sister behaved at my wedding. But historically, every time I’ve let my guard down, it follows the same pattern: she has an outburst, then comes back with emotional apologies, asks me not to abandon her, promises to change, and I feel hopeful… only to get pulled right back into the same cycle of being blamed, screamed at, and treated badly.

This is a cycle I was stuck in my entire life before I moved out and set boundaries. I’ve always said that if there were a sincere apology, real accountability, and an actual conversation, I would be open to rebuilding a relationship, but that has never happened.

I also can’t shake this strong sense of fairness - like you don’t get to treat your family poorly for years and still get everything you want without ever taking responsibility or working to repair the damage.

So I feel really torn. Part of me wants to say no to protect my boundaries, acknowledge that I still feel genuine fear and discomfort around her, and stay true to what I’ve worked hard to build for myself. But another part of me wants to say yes because I’ve seen small signs of growth, she did handle my wedding better than expected, I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy by my family, and honestly, I don’t want to create more drama or conflict.

Thank you all for answering me. We had another exchange today between my daughter and myself today. She stated in her chat "I am not good at managing money, I'm not very interested in becoming good at managing money. I just want to make money and live the way I want to live" So this makes me feel that any suggestion or strategy about budgeting is for naught. She may have income coming in within the next four weeks which will not necessitate me to support her for now. It leaves me with the feeling that she will continue to live beyond her means, accumulating debt an probably in the not too distant future declare personal bankruptcy - with all its consequences because she will never understand or be mature enough to understand that it is not primarily "I need x$ to live the way I want to live" but rather "I have x$ - how do I spend them wisely"! She never could differentiate between needs and wants!

Em9321, I’m really glad you came back and shared this. That history you described isn’t small, and it makes sense that this situation would feel loaded and confusing.

What stood out to me is that your body already seems to know the answer. You’re not reacting to just a bridesmaid invite, you’re reacting to years of instability, lack of accountability, and things being brushed aside. That kind of history doesn’t just reset because of a note about “turning a new leaf.”

It also makes sense that you’re trying to figure out her motives, but that can pull you into her world a bit. You may never get a clear or honest answer there. What might be more useful is focusing on what this would mean for you.

If you said yes, how would you feel in the lead-up and on the day? Would you feel safe, respected, and able to enjoy it?
If you said no, what would that protect for you?

There isn’t a “right” answer here, but there is a self-protective one.

It’s also okay to choose something in the middle. You don’t have to accept a role that feels too close if the relationship itself hasn’t been repaired. Being a guest is already participation. You’re not rejecting her wedding by setting a boundary around your level of involvement.

And you’re right about one thing, your family may react. But their reaction doesn’t define whether your decision is reasonable. It just reflects the pattern you’ve been in with them.

You don’t have to decide today. Taking some time and space before responding is completely fair.

What feels most aligned for you right now, even if it’s just a small step in one direction?

I accidentally PM'd you, but here is what I said:

I am definitely feeling that way - that she is asking me to be in her party as a power move, to show the family that she is "more forgiving" and a better person than I am because I didn't have her in my party.

There's a couple of different reasons she could be doing this:
1. She wants to be in a superior position to mistreat me and brush things under the rug without having to talk about or discuss her actions that have hurt me my entire life. Bring me back in the cycle and use this "big" moment to guilt me into it.

2. She wants to show outsiders that she is the superior person, and that by asking me to be in her party, she is ultimately better because I did not have her in mine.

3. Someone dropped out of her party and she needs to fill the space (we had a conversation months ago with my husband and her fiancee and she was talking about the ladies who were going to be in her party - no mention of me whatsoever, and I didn't think twice about it.)

4. All of the above

I have not given an answer and will be putting it off until i can come up with a resolution. I  know my family will be on her side if i say no, but if that's what I decide, i will have to be ok with it.

It seems it is really up to you to decide whether to be in your sister's bridal party. It sounds like perhaps you would rather not yet fear how badly she will treat you no matter whether you are in the bridal party or at her wedding as just one of the guests. This distrust of your sister based on past abuses of you is legitimate and concerning.

You are not alone in having a disordered close relative whom you cannot trust and would not likely associate with if she were not your sister.  Know that you do not have to make a decision that is set in stone, that your decision can change based on how you are being treated by your sister and how you feel in the future.

I am wondering if your sister has asked you to be a bridesmaid so she will be in a superior position as the bride to mistreat you. What do you think?

What is your preference? You can state your preference without having to make a final irrevocable decision.