Good morning . I want to thank those of you that replied to my post. I’m a new member still learning to navigate this site. What I’ve read so far has been comforting & helps me to not feel so alone

Hi 13Bfmv13,

I’m really glad you posted. Being called names during conflict - especially during something vulnerable like intimacy - isn’t small. That lands hard.

Trying to understand what drives his reactions is one piece. But the impact on you matters just as much. Name-calling and shutting you down aren’t healthy conflict tools, regardless of what triggered them. And the lack of repair afterward is significant. Repair is what makes long-term relationships sustainable.

Ten years is a long time to carry a cycle like that. It makes sense that you’d feel tired.

Instead of focusing only on whether this fits BPD traits, I’d gently ask: when this happens, what do you need to feel steady again? And are those needs being met?

You’re not overreacting.

CG4ME,

I’m really glad you posted.

What happened with your husband isn’t just an argument. Being pinned down and held like that is physical intimidation. No matter what explanation he gives, that crosses a line.

You don’t have to decide the fate of your marriage or your relationship with your daughters tonight. Right now the priority is your safety and your stability.

It makes sense you feel overwhelmed. You reached for support and instead felt overpowered. That’s deeply unsettling.

For now, focus on staying safe and reaching out for outside support - therapist, hotline, someone steady. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

One step at a time.

Oh, now it is clear why she has this type of jealousy. Because this behavior from women is so common in their culture. It is not impossible. Her sister and neighbor could be willing to "take a ride." I have heard that some girls have multiple phones, one for each male partner.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’m reflecting on what you said. I’m trying to understand both my part and the broader dynamic.

Hi Elliebear2,

Iam so sorry that you are experiencing being cut off fro your grandchild. I know how much this hurts as I have been cut off from my gc for the past 5 years. Previous to this estrangement my udd would cut me off regulary without a thought of how it would affect my gc's mental health, and she would refuse to discuss it.
The first time I saw my gc again after the first estrangement my eldest gc  (2yo at the time) cried and cried but it didnt stop my udd from doing it again less than 1 year later. She would often block my calls/ texts or change her number just as your dd is doing and then just reappear and re-engage again as if nothing had happened when she needed something.


It was also hurtful especially knowing that my gc would not have understood why I was suddenly not in their lives anymore. I was shocked and upset and sent messages begging and pleading with her which she would never respond to. I also asked others to speak to her on my behalf to get her to change her mind but none of it worked. By about the fourth time of it happening I felt a lot calmer as  It had became the usual pattern and I was always waiting for it to happen again and my mental health began to suffer with anxiety but I allowed it to carry on for the sake of my gc.

5years ago my udd met someone who became her live in partner. since he moved in I have had not seen my gc, met her partner or met my new gc  they have had together but Iam  Hopeful that my gc who remember me  will look for me when they are older and I hold onto that thought.

The advice I will give is to  literally take one day at a time, even hour by hour if necessary and not to chase your udd for contact. Wait for her to contact you. It may be only because she needs your help but just take it for what it is if it happens. In the meantime look after your mental health and focus on you even if it is something small like going for a walk. I found that it also helped to arrange to do something the times that you would normally be having your gs.

Reaching out is the normal/healthy thing to do as it makes us feel that we are making an effort but we are not dealing with a normal r/s. Watching what we say and do all the time and putting our own needs to one side is not a normal healthy r/s. It is a one sided r/s so your udd wont appreciate your begging or pleading or hearing how this is affecting you hence the abuse you are experiencing and she will probably only re-engage again on her own terms.

Hi Pook075,
Thanks for your response. Yes, my GF and I have met in person twice, for many weeks. My GF is indeed in the Philippines. I am quite familiar with the tendency of Filipinas to ask for financial support. I don't mind supporting my GF since after some months, we made a decision to marry so it seemed appropriate for me to support her. Have you moved to the Philippines indefinitely? Are there other "red flags" that I should be aware of?
Interesting that we have similar stories... It's a small world!

I'm so sorry this is going on -- I really understand that when BPD is in a family system, the stress is not just on your relationship with your pwBPD, but on every relationship.

It makes sense that you'd feel shocked and shaken after the incident with your husband. It is possible that you'll need a bit of time to get back down to a baseline after that. I hope you can allow yourself to know you don't have to solve or figure out everything right now. Take care of immediate needs now (personal safety, emotional care), then later you can decide what you want to do about bigger decisions (do you stay in the marriage).

In terms of immediate needs, can you remind me if you have a therapist or counselor? If so, many of them will support you with additional or last minute appointments for a crisis (I had to call my therapist at 10pm once).

If not, have you ever used the 988 or 741741 help/crisis hotlines? I believe you can text or call, whichever is most comfortable for you. You are in control on the call and can talk for as long as you need to, or hang up at any time. Do you think you could try one of those and let us know how it goes?

Longer term, you can think about calling a DV hotline. I had to do that once, too. They are very calm, nonjudgmental, and informed and will be willing to just listen to you, understand your situation and talk through options and ideas. They won't pressure you into doing anything, it's just info and a listening ear. They may be able to help you come up with a "safety plan" for now.

CG4ME, I hear the overwhelm, shock, and exhaustion in your post. It's so understandable given what you've been coping with for so long. I hope you can try a support resource like a hotline and then share with us how that goes for you. We'll be here listening too.

A few quick questions.  You've been dating for years and she's on the other side of the world.  Have you ever met in person?  And do you have plans to visit her, or have her visit you?

The reason I'm asking is to see how the relationship progresses past the point it's at right now if you can work past these challenges.

I met my current wife on an international Christian dating site, and I'm currently living with her in the Philippines.  So it sounds like our stories are similar but I don't want to assume.  There are many red flags to international dating and them asking for support is at the top of the list.

Wow, it sounds like so much escalated so fast in your relationships.  That's a lot to deal with at once.

Before talking about anyone else though, how are you feeling?  You mentioned that you felt like you were starting to feel suicidal over all of this.  Has that feeling passed?  Do you have anyone you can reach out to talk about those feelings?  I just want to make sure you are able to get help.