cc43,
This hit home most with me...
On top of that, generally speaking, her expectations are totally unreasonable and unrealistic. I think this is rooted in adolescent or childish thinking patters. She's impatient. She's demanding. She still expects adults to over-function for her. She still expects to be the center of attention at all times. She expects too much devotion from friends. She wants to make decisions, but if something goes wrong, she expects you to face the consequences and "rescue" her, because you "owe" her. Now, when she was a kid, this was normal. But now that she's an adult, she's having trouble adjusting her expectations, and at the same time, her childish expectations simply aren't being met. She still probably expects that you continue to pay most or all of her living expenses. She's resistant to doing adult administrative tasks, and she's frightened because she doesn't necessarily have the know-how, either. She's afraid to ask for help, say from a friend or an employer, because she'd be "exposed" for her lack of knowledge, for the fraud she feels she is. She wasn't really prepared to do autonomous, self-guided study in college, or to figure out how to apply for jobs, or even how to accept coaching from a supervisor. Any "criticism" would be taken personally, and she'd completely fall apart. I bet she hasn't really embraced the notion that she's responsible for herself now, because she's probably blaming you, full-time. Let me guess, your daughter says she suffers from anxiety? My bet is that's because she feels incompetent, inferior and scared. She's so afraid of a failing and a little stress that she gives up before she even tries, and to cope, she's lashing out at you. Does this sound familiar? If it does, it's because I've lived though it, all of it.
This is the part that I read so many times in this post, cc43. It was about 3 or 4 years ago that I was sitting in the living room with my daughter and a friend who was about her age but going through landlord issues. She and I were talking about her options in NYC and who to contact. All of a sudden, my daughter burst out, "this is what you always do, you talk about things that I can't participate in." This was HER friend. I was only giving basic 311 advice to this friend. It was a bizarre outburst that she had to make the conversation about herself.
My daughter recently told me "I have no friends". She didn't say it in a way that was sad, just factual.
So much of what has said in the near and far past resonates with everything you wrote. She DOES expect me to continue funding her life. She actually said that she expects "compensation" for her childhood.
Her mother (ex-wife) is a problem in she won't and didn't share ANY information about her diagnosis until I found out on my own. I wonder how long my ex has known but has kept it all from me.
Her final texts to me were all about her knowing she's being manipulative but that she's jealous that she'll never have a "normal" life and that I need to take care of her for that.
All of what she said was bizarre. Most of it was just unhinged. I tried to remind her of her past behavior and she just ignored anything I told her. Now, I know why. A lot of what she ranted and raved at me about makes a lot more sense now that I know what the issues are (somewhat).
I suggested going to a family therapist together. Her response, "I don't want us to heal" yet she signed off her last text with that she would find a therapist. Any therapist I'd found she insisted that I was finding one that would just gaslight her.
I am not looking for validation for anything. I am looking for coping mechanisms. What I am also finding is that others have dealt with this with their own kids. In some ways that's comforting. At the same time, it's saddening.
I hope there's hope. I can only wait and see.
Thank you for the response. Your message was very informative as have everyone else's. I very much do appreciate all the responses.