Hey trappeddad;

Sigh... I just SMH sometimes at the wacky stuff we have to deal with. Glad you can be here to talk about it.

Echoing LnL's question, how do you think your S views this? Is he the "if Mom says it, then Mom is right and I'll defend it" kind of kid? Or if you said something like "Eh, we don't have to do that here, buddy", would he be accepting?

Thinking about responses reminded me of something Dr. Craig Childress wrote about emotional tone. I'd encourage you to check out pages 14-16 of this article: www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf

(it doesn't copy/paste very well, so I'll try to sum it up here for those tracking this thread)

Basically, happiness/laughter are socially bonding. Also, being able to stay at an "emotional tone" level of 1-2 (versus a 10, something like explosive anger), actually signals that you, the adult, are in control. When we're able to lovingly, with warmth and bemusement, use "dismissive surprise" to invalidate (in a good way, this time) any wild accusations coming from our kids, that can be really powerful.

So, if someone's kid is in this circumstance ("Mom says I have to wear the watch here and you hate her and don't want me to, even though I want to"), instead of taking the bait and raising the emotional tone of the interaction, some parents have success in keeping the tone at that 1-2, where it's on the level of "Oh? Yeah, that sounds like Mom. Well, I haven't lost you yet, here, but we can sure try!" kind of stuff.

Interested in hearing more from you, trappeddad!

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339634.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

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I have a wife with BPD, and a 3 year old. She lies and steals. Has 2 misdemenours for shoplifting. Has put our immigration status in crisis. And has now put adultery in her list of things. She continues to lie about it and continue it.

She was diagnosed with BPD/Depression/PTSD 2 years back. Since then she's only gotten worse. No DBT started yet.

I'm at the end of my rope. Divorce will hurt my child the most, but i don't see any other options now. What are the chances that i get full custody of the child, given her psychological and criminal history?

yep, I know what you mean when you say you still feel like a jerk. My elderly uBPBm is in an Assisted Living, and staying in her apartment and very waif like at the moment. Of course she raged when she got there, and it was her own decision to go but hates being there. Her rage at me was over the top this time, and she said and did things that were beyond hurtful. Thankfully I was already in the process of detachment when this move happened. I am maintaining LC and seeing her once a week, but at present am staying strong and my priority is taking care of myself and my family. When I start to feel guilty that I am not being the kind of daughter who is there for her mother, I re frame my thinking. That's when I am proud of myself for still having LC and maintaining some type of a so called relationship with a Mother who was not only not nurturing, but a Mother who shows no care and love for their daughter. A shift in my perspective (very hard to do and years in the making) has been life changing. Even so, I still struggle at times with this. Because I thankfully, am a caring and nurturing person, so it feels un natural for me to do this, but there is no middle ground with my BPDm.

Totally, I had the "luxury" of two recycles. The first time it hit me fierce, things were so messed up and I put a lot of the blame on me. I didn't understand the behavior(BPD), but surely there was something wrong with me or something I did to deserve such pain. I learned about BPD and myself as to why I would accept this behavior over the course of the original breakup and throughout the recycles. With the work I did for myself and the ability to look back it was clear as day she had issues and saw many red flags. I just thought that someone so loving and awesome(in Retrospect the mask) that there were logical explanations or someone else's fault.

She burned bridges at several jobs because of "management", she couldn't keep a job long her whole life until divorce forced her too. She burned bridges with her childhood friend while I was with her, her and her Mom (Whom I believe is also BPD) go at it all the time where they wont speak for days. She doesn't have many long term deep friends, more surface work friends. She started getting angry out of nowhere over puzzling things. For example I was playing blocks with her toddler nephew and we built a tower. I playfully knocked the tower over and the kid laughed, no one got hurt. I've played with plenty toddlers before including my own at one point. Later she lays into me about how badly he could have gotten hurt  as if i threw the blocks across the room. Crazy little stuff like that.

Thanks for letting me "vent" and "journal" in this thread and on this site.

Hi--
I'm writing because after years of marital struggle, reading tons of books about improving one's marriage, working on myself through counseling, etc., and being in a quandary, "do I stay or do I go," I'm wondering for the first time if the issue is that perhaps my SO has BPD.  I've experienced all of the usual: depression, self-blame, wondering if I'm crazy, etc., but looking at events as objectively as I can, I think BPD may be it.  I'm interested in hearing about other people's experiences--in particular, how you've gained clarity about what's really going on in a relationship, when your partner consistently blames you for the problems and denies or minimizes his role.  It's particularly hard to see clearly because--of course--I'm not blameless!   But I've had a hard time seeing where my responsibility for our situation ends, and I keep hoping that if I just do XY or Z, he'll come around.  I'm coming to see that his role is greater than I've recognized, but still, constantly doubting, and uncertain about how to know the truth.  Thanks for any thoughts!

Yes, I get that, but do you think at some point she will realize?

It really irks me she talks so much about values and that me and my boys don't respect her values (because I don't take the car...phone...their life away when she thinks I should).  Her biggest value she claims is respect and she never feels respected.  How can her biggest value be respect if she can have several affairs?  Doesn't NOT having an affair involve respect?

SH4

For the secrets thing.  Take that head on.

Privacy and secrets are different things.  After all..why would you share something you are still "thinking through".

"Babe..I'm still considering my thoughts and feelings.  Thanks for letting me know you are ready to listen.  I'll reach out when I'm ready."

Said another way...boundaries.

Best,

FF

Does anyone notice there BPD is usually frowning, more often than not?  I look back at pictures and even in happier times my uBPDw seems to be frowning a lot, unless it's a picture with her friends, then she has this HUGE smile on her face.  It's just an observation that I have noticed and seeing so many of us have a lot of similarities I thought I would ask to see if anyone else had noticed similar.

SH4

RC I agree with this completely!