Well, I am hoping he will become very uncomfortable : ))))  My son loathes change and that could be to our advantage.  Not that I believe my daughter should reconcile but  prayerful this will spark positve change for both of them.

After years within a relationship with a BPD partner, we may get accustomed to a pattern of being devalued. So it is important to remember how it is supposed to be, how our partner is supposed to react when we show up, when we are in a healthy relationship:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RTPDDeRat2A

That may encourage those who are going through abuse to put a stop to it.

And, by the way, that's what I have done by living apart and refusing to be around when the interaction is any less than respectful.

PS: The video only shows women, but men should also react similarly (perhaps a bit less expressively).

Hi Bpdstinks, 

Yes it comes down to the idea of finally letting go. Being able to let go with continued Love in our hearts is very powerful and healing.

Good for you!  I know that BPD/NPD behaviors can be extremely distracting, and therefore you might need to make the conscious choice to re-focus on self-care.  For me it's the best way to stay balanced, and to get out of the FOG.  Having a life and connecting with friends outside the familial chaos can help me reconnect to the "real" me and dilute the ill effects of a sometimes dysfunctional family system.

However, I really wonder if your son will feel much discomfort with no kids and no "maid service."  I'm pretty sure that the pwuNPD in my life didn't mind the change one bit.  In fact I think he liked living alone, because he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and didn't have anyone's presence to constantly remind him about his unfulfilled obligations, let alone to nag him.  Though I think he originally liked the "maid service," I suspect it was less about convenience for him and more about showing off to other people.  For example, when his wife hosted parties, he enjoyed giving tours of his new home, using exaggerated descriptions of amenities:  "cargo bay" for garage, "wine cellar" for a wine rack located in the basement, "man cave" for the TV installed in the corner of the semi-finished basement.  I don't mean to be critical of his home or his wife's homemaking skills, but just underline the "performative" nature of his personality.  Everything about him seemed performative, highly attention-seeking.  The "maid service" seemed to be valued only to the extent it got him more attention from people he wanted to impress.  Similarly, he seemed to use the kids to get attention too, mostly from his own parents.

Alas, these days, I think the "maid service" typically most valued by singles has morphed into UberEats.  Since the NPD in my life can order whatever food he wants and have it delivered straight to his door, he's comfortable.  He doesn't care about messes, vermin or laundry.  He seems to like dressing like a bum, and when he needs clothes, he'll order new ones online.  Maybe the pwuNPD in my life is unusual, but I guess I'd sum him up by saying that though he's around 60, he never matured beyond a teen's level.  He seems to enjoy living like a college freshman--in dingy, dorm-like quarters, living on junk food, drinking heavily all night, choosing not to work (the adult equivalent of missing classes), ignoring most of the administrative burdens of adulthood (car registration, health insurance, utilities payments, doctor's appointments, etc.), being constantly late to pay bills, getting his electricity cut off and scrambling to get it back on, ignorning basic home maintenance (fixing the roof), etc.  To continue with the dorm analogy, I understand from his kids that he vomited in his home but never picked it up, and instead he threw cat litter on top.  And that's generally how I think of him these days:  his behavior, social-emotional skills and functioning generally resemble that of certain 18-year-old boys.  It's just that in a 60-year-old body, his behavior seems incredibly dysfunctional, and his body has deteriorated after decades of ill treatment (junk food, heavy drinking, untreated high blood pressure, untreated diabetes, untreated gout, zero exercise).  His could be an extreme case, I understand that.

Hi Pook075,


I'm trying to follow your thought. Why would "his world be spiraling"? Do you think this could be a side effect of being in therapy for 3 weeks and having a better look into himself?

You've ended several posts with this sentiment, but it's 100% okay to rant, ramble, etc here. 

While we're talking about BPD partners, this site has little to do with THEM and everything to do with US.  Our concern is not about how your spouse is doing, but how you're coping with all of this and what steps you're taking to improve your mental health.  Because even though you're not diagnosed with anything, you've been through an ordeal and continue to be attacked.  That's draining and we all arrived here in a tailspin.

We're here to support that part of your journey, plus answer BPD-related questions.  That's why ranting will always be accepted and even encouraged here.


I did want to touch on this though- this is clear abuse.  We don't know if it's BPD or alcohol or a combination of everything, but it is never acceptable to allow someone else to treat us that way.  And if he wants to text friends about it, let him!!!  Let him look crazy and receive feedback from someone other than you (and his therapist).

He's crashing out because his world is spiraling...and that's a good thing.  Let him crash and maybe he'll see the need to change some things in his life.  This could be the best thing that's ever happened to him, to be honest.

Hi sm1981,

When you said it can get worse long before it ever gets better, were you thinking about the meds? I would be concerned about that.

In the case of my wife, we opted to do a gradual introduction to avoid side effects, allowing her brain to move smoothly from homeostasis to neuroadaptation. And it's working (see my post). However, if, for any reason, things were clearly heading south, we would just stop them. The use of psychiatric medications is frequently a risky game, especially in the case of SSRIs and mood stabilizers. A responsible doctor will consider multiple options and switch to a different approach if the initial one fails.

Other than that, it's better not to put too much effort into understanding the specific behavior. It is what it is.

The period of calm lasted a few days and he had a melt down last night. Accused me of all sorts of things (including being unfaithful with a friend)- if I had the chance of a relationship without all this drama at this stage I would take it so it's completely irrational.  I nearly got pulled into JADEing but then decided to just leave the room and go to my bedroom, he followed screaming, door slamming, then went away repeating , shouting and screaming until he eventually burned himself out- all the while telling me he was recording the interaction as "proof" - baffles me.  I wont have him back in my home now.  My children weren't there thankfully but he's too volatile . I a c**t all my friends are c**ts - I've got it all coming to me apparently.  I had to stop him messaging mutual friends last night just because he would have looked crazy.

Planned a nice weekend with friends.  I have had 4 days straight of a loving cuddling , needs to be with me Dr Jekyll/little boy lost and back to Mister Hyde (he's on day 3 of meds- so he's told me) and week 3 of therapy so I know it can get worse long before it ever gets better.  Just wanting to get it out .  My friends just say leave for good (I might have to) but it's so sadly clear hes not well.

TY for the suggestions...I am trying to have a little fun when I am not distracted! I am trying to be quiet while he slowly begins to feel the discomfort of a quiet house with no kids and no maid service (his wife). 

Thank you everyone for the support and birthday wishes. She actually responded back with an apology of her own with a side of still needing to blame.  I will take it. It meant a lot to me because my oldest with BPD didn't call or connect with me on my birthday.  We will see where this goes but for now I feel like I can let go a little and deal with the other things in my life I need to attend with.