Well I've been in the exact same situation.  My adult BPD stepdaughter has gone through more "living situations" than I can count, and the roommates are always "toxic" and "abusive."  I don't believe she has ever made it until the end of a lease.  Of course, since her dad was paying, she didn't seem to mind.  I'm pretty sure we've paid as much rent for her NOT to live in an apartment as we have for her to live in it.  Ditto tuition.  "Giving up" was a recurring theme, and it drove me absolutely bonkers.  Ultimately she gave up on her very life with multiple suicide attempts.

Look, I get that most young adults need parental logistical, emotional and/or financial support when they start out.  It's just that with BPD, I think the expectations are for the support to be unlimited.  The mentality seems to be, they need parents to "set them up" in a "new" place so they can get a "fresh start," in the hopes that their problems will magically disappear.  But the reality is that changing locations doesn't solve anything.  In reality, changing locations creates more havoc because of the substantial cost and stress of moving, not to mention moving farther away from familiar places and traditional support systems.  I think my BPD stepdaughter has made changing up her living situations like a full-time job.  I see it as AVOIDANCE, as a distraction from what she should really be doing, namely college and/or employment.  Sometimes I see the fleeing as the flight reaction when she's in fight-or-flight mode.  You see, she feels constantly "traumatized" by life, and so she thinks she needs a new living situation to flee from it.

By the way, my stepdaughter grew up with the traditional visitation schedule with her long-divorced parents (home base with mom, Wednesday evenings and every other weekend with dad).  But when she got a car and a driver's license, she was able to go back and forth basically at will.  I think this freedom of movement didn't exactly help her, because what she would do was leave whichever household was trying to enforce rules or boundaries.  Rather than learn to face problems and resolve conflicts, what she learned was to flee the situation, and her absense became "punishment" to the "offending" parent!  And the receiving parent was generally all too happy to accommodate her.  The "offending" parent would typically reach out and "beg" her to return.  What did she learn?  That acting out, petulance and storming off in protest got her out of facing consequences for her behaviors, and in addition got her attention.  The thing is, the older she got and the more freedoms and money she got, the more she relied on this formula--acting out, storming off, trying to get attention as well as exact retribution.  But it only works with parents.  Friends and roommates won't tolerate that sort of baloney.  There have been no boyfriends as far as I know, which is surprising because my stepdaughter is a very attractive woman.  By the way, I'll mention that my stepdaughter's mom is a high-conflict person.  No idea if she has mental issues, but I wouldn't be surprised one bit if she did.  My husband (her dad) is supportive, but in a more traditional "provider" role than emotionally.  He has a temper and loses his cool when under stress, which is probably not the ideal formula when dealing with a daughter with BPD.  I've heard him yell at her a few times when I felt he should have been able to be the "calm one."  He doesn't quite see as I do that his daughter's accusations and insults are projections.  Like her, he tends to take everything personally, when he shouldn't be so easily triggered.  Yet kids know how to push parental buttons better than anyone.

Anyway, without really knowing all the particulars of your situation, I might make a few suggestions based on years of experience in dealing with this.  First off, you might think in terms of baby steps.  Now I know you might have big dreams for your daughter about going off to college, starting a career or starting a family, and I'm not saying she's not capable, but right now her BPD means she's emotionally "handicapped."  She's facing an adult's world with all its freedoms and stresses but with the emotional skills of a young teen at best.  She's not adequately equipped to handle the world yet (with patience, resilience, understanding of context, empathy, distress tolerance, conflict resolution skills, focus, vision, planning and execution skills).  Basically she's telling you this because she thinks she'll "never" have a relationship, kids or job.  My stepdaughter says the exact same thing.  She's all worried about the distant future, seeing herself in harshly negative light while she scrolls through social media.  My guess is that both daughters are worried about disappointing their parents, too.

Look, she doesn't have to plan out her entire life right now--that's simply too frightening as well as daunting.  She should focus on taking baby steps.  Probably the first baby step is therapy.  Right now, that might be her primary focus.  Other things can wait.  When my stepdaughter was at her lowest point, I think it helped her dad and me to think in terms of having a "special needs" kid.  I think it relieves some of the guilty feelings, as well as recognizing that "conventional" parenting and expectations don't quite work with a BPD kid.

I'd ask you, does your daughter's life look highly dysfunctional right now?  Is she sleeping all day, is her room a total mess?  Is she not able to complete her studies?  She can't seem to hold a job?  Is she self-medicating with illicit substances?  Is she unable to maintain any healthy friendships?  Is she unable to have a "normal" conversation with you, no matter how insignificant?  Is she unable to follow normal routines like eating dinner with family at dinnertime?  Is she looking physically unattractive--not showering regularly, not putting on cute outfits, overeating, not getting any exercise?  Her physical condition (and that of her room/apartment) are likely a reflection of her mental state.  She might beg you to enrol her in college again.  She might demand you set her up in a new apartment again.  She might beg you to help her move out of state.  My opinion is that, if her life is looking dysfuncitonal, big commitments or moves would be setting her up to fail.  I'd advise, don't do it for her.  Besides, at 22, if she really wanted to re-enrol in college or move out of state, she should be able to do it herself.  If you do it FOR her, you are basically enabling continued dysfunction, while digging yourself (and her) into a deeper hole.

OK back to baby steps.  If your daughter focuses on therapy, she would be learning some emotional coping skills, and she'd probably be getting her daily life under control.  I think the first signs of better functioning are along the lines I outlined above--getting into a healthier daily routine, taking care of her body and environment, resuming more normal-looking routines like sharing a meals with family members, seeing friends from time to time and getting regular exercise.  She should be able to show some restraint, such as not blowing up over nothing, and not hurling tirades by text.  I think that's when she's probably ready to start some higher-stress routines, such as classes or a job.  But I'd advise, BABY STEPS.  That might look like taking an online class or two at first, to work up to higher stress levels.  Maybe it looks like an easy part-time job at first like dog walking.  Only after she proves she can handle the increased responsibilities would she progress to a fuller schedule.  She might need a year handling a very part-time schedule (e.g. 15 hours a week) plus therapy before she's ready for more.

In all this process of taking baby steps, I think your daughter can start to build momentum.  In my opinion, the direction of movement is more important than speed.  Sure, she's going to "derail" from time to time, but the important thing is to get back on track relatively quickly.  My guess is that you can be a huge ally for her here.  How does that sound to you?

There was a time that my BPD stepdaughter was making all sorts of demands for money and support.  But at some point, the conversation starts to change, from one of "enablement" to one of "emotional support/cheerleader."  For example, my stepdaughter dreams of moving to an expensive city.  Instead of saying, "Your dad and I can't afford to co-sign a lease there," or "You'd need a job paying at least $90,000 to afford an apartment," I'd say something like, "I can see why you're attracted to that city, it's a dynamic place."  If she insists that she absolutely has to go there, I'll say something like, "Well I'm not stopping you."  I guess I'm saying that the parental role eventually has to evolve from provider/educator to cheerleader/trusted advisor.  But I'm not offering "unsolicited" advice that I'm usually inclined to give, such as concerns about affordability and budgeting, because she won't listen to me anyway, and she'll take it to mean that I'm not supportive.  I have to trust that she'll figure it out.

 Tinab,

Five years of things regularly spiraling is a long time. Especially if those spirals have felt hurtful or hard on you. Of course you’re tired.

There’s only so much one person can do to steady a relationship. Therapy can help, but real change means he has to own his behavior and work on it consistently. Otherwise you end up managing the same cycles over and over.

No one here can tell you when it’s time to go. That’s personal. What we can do is help you slow this down and look at it clearly.

Have things truly improved?
Is he taking responsibility when things blow up?
Or are you the one adjusting to keep the peace?

You don’t sound uncaring. You sound worn out.

If you want, tell us what the last few months have actually looked like.

Hi, ForeverDad,

Her mom and I divorced when she was very little. About 3. My ex has always been withholding of information about our daughter. I saw her the usual amounts (every other weekend, etc). But, primarily my ex raised her and that is where the problem is. My ex also has her own issues. My daughter has been having issues most of her life but it seems very pronounced now that she's an adult. The real bad issues happened when she went off to college and had to get along with others in social structures. Roommates, friends, all of that was problematic. Now that my daughter has graduated, she's living at her mom's and has decided that I'm the ATM (she's said as much) and that her mom gets the time.

My last interaction with her was all about my daughter not being able to find a job but needing money for copays for her therapy. I've said repeatedly to use my insurance but my daughter's response was that "you'll be able to see my appointments". It's the paranoia that that will mean something to me as to who she bills the insurance to was the first odd thing. My daughter has no money and no prospects for work. She claims to be looking but I doubt she is.

My daughter vacillates between being super sweet and loving to a screaming banshee either on the phone or by text. There is no middle ground. Both moods can happen within the same 3 minute time frame and the way she behaves it's as though she doesn't even know that she was the other a few minutes before. It's a very bizarre dynamic dealing with someone who can't regulate their emotions. Knowing she has a diagnosis of BPD helped a lot to understand what may be going on.

Hi Dee_Girl, and welcome to the BPDFamily!

Yes, this sounds a lot like BPD, even though you haven't described many symptoms. I can't say if your partner will unblock you and get back. Probably she wants to, but when you said to block you and keep you blocked, she might have understood that you were done dealing with her, the ultimate rejection. But in a way they unconsciously seek to be rejected.

As constructive criticism to improve your relationship, I would advise you to try to stop feeding into the drama. When you said you would try to "always be there for her," I got the impression that you were always going out of your way to help her out, but that does not tend to go well in the long run, even though it may seem to work sometimes. When she is aggressive or accusative and that is distressing you, you should not try to solve it, because you will say things in a negative way and that will go wrong. So instead, just pull off and wait for it to subside. Make whatever is needed to make sure you maintain your mood stable/positive, because whenever you feel negative about her, you will make things worse. And when apologizing, try not to validate any distorted views of her.

Hi Tinab,

Yes, this is how it goes when you have a partner with BPD, if that's the case. And over time, it can get even worse. Simple therapy doesn't quite work for them because they feel judged by the therapist. Couples therapy is difficult because they don't allow you to express yourself and may get angry at the session for the same reason (they feel judged).

So he should try DBT, and it will take 1 to 10 years to recover from symptoms, depending on the patient. Another option is schema therapy. But you don't have to go through this while he is on treatment. Living apart greatly helps to limit the abuse.

The court's first steps - after making an initial temp order on custody, parenting schedule and other basics - will be to order parenting classes and attempts for mediation.  I emphasize attempts because success in mediation is not required, it seems relatively few here ever succeeded to settle in mediation.  Evidently the disordered ex is typically too new to the legal scenario and too entitled to listen to reason or be reasonable.

Settlement usually comes much later in the process, often just before a major hearing.  (Mine was on the proverbial court house steps just before a scheduled day-long trial.)

The financial issues are typically finalized at the tail end of a divorce.  Mine were done in what felt like 15 minutes... after grinding through a two year process.  The lawyers were in a hurry to wrap it up and skated over issues that hadn't been addressed that entire time.

Let me walk back to that first paragraph.  Beware of a lawyer's tendency to breeze through the temp order hearing as though it was no big deal.  Often it is scheduled to be brief, perhaps a half hour.  The judge won't be aware of the deep issues between the parents and just accept a simple "standard" order.  Ensure your lawyer knows the serious care and support needs of your son and how to emphasize it to the judge.  I recall when my lawyer turned to me and whispered, "Shh, we'll fix it later."  My divorce took two excruciating years and the order wasn't modified (fixed) until the final decree.  If at all possible, do your best to get the "least bad" temp order since our cases tend to take longer than most others.

Hello and welcome to the family!

Five years is a long time to be in such a difficult relationship- I'm so sorry you're struggling but you've come to the right place.  You're among friends here.

Is your partner diagnosed with BPD, or it is just a suspicion?  Also, you mentioned therapy- was that couples therapy?  Or perhaps you or your partner was working with a therapist.  Please try to give us a little more of a picture on what you've tried.

To answer your question, when is it time to go, that's a personal decision and nobody here can tell you what to do.  I did see that you posted in the "bettering" forum where you'll get advice on improving your relationship.  Is that what you want? 

Just let us know and I'd love to hear a little more of your story, what's happened, etc.

Borderline was likely to be renamed due to it being an emotional dysregulation disorder (or something like that, as I recall) but the updated DSM 5 didn't include such a change.

What I will point out is that people on the periphery of contact with a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) or just occasional contact may notice something "off" but not greatly impacted.  But the closer the relationship, the more impacting it is.

It is often remarked that they have an outsized fear of abandonment.  Ponder that they can anticipate abandonment and unconsciously "jump the gun" and abandon (drive others away by their actions and reactions) before they can be abandoned.  Sort of, a self-fulfilling fear.

Of course, you as one of her parents are experiencing a larger dose of her angst.  Her friends can leave and move on, but a parent will always be a parent.

From another angle... Can I ask how old she was when you divorced?  Was your ex high conflict, possibly also acting-out disordered?  If you were never informed of a diagnosis, did you not have joint custody?  With joint custody - regardless of how the parenting schedules split parenting time - both parents should have been informed of a minor's status.  I am wondering the extent of her mother's environment might have been an aggravating factor.

I've tried everything.  wondering after five years of verbal and mental abuse. numerous sessions of theraphy..when is it just time too go?

Dee, I’m really sorry you’re in this much pain. Reading your post, I can feel how exhausted and torn up you are.

That constant blocking, breaking up, coming back, loving you intensely, then turning on you - that kind of push and pull really messes with your head and your heart. It makes you cling harder because you’re always bracing for the next loss.

I hear how much you’re blaming yourself. But this didn’t end because of one bad night or one comment. The relationship had been unstable and painful for a long time.

Right now it probably feels unbearable and urgent, like you need to know if she’s coming back. That feeling is real. But the bigger question might be whether this cycle would ever truly change.

You’re not weak for loving her. You’re hurting. Try to put your energy into getting steady again. Therapy sounds like a really good next step.