Thank you all for the advice.

Notwendy,
Really appreciate hearing about the situation with your family and how you have handled the relationship. You're right that it can be unrealistic to expect an apology. So far, he apologized for fighting with my dad and my one brother and stealing from the other...but has not apologized to me, my sister, or dad's girlfriend. It is so clear that the damage from our mother, and the succession of female caregivers (first me, then sister, now Dad's gf) triggers his hurts and abandonment. In one incident on Christmas Eve, he grew angry that our dad discovered his renewed stealing and drug use, and lashed out to tell my sister and I he would not be getting us Christmas gifts. He mostly used to sulk in his room and never greet anyone for weeks, occasionally lashing out just to be cruel about the ways I cared for him when he was younger or support him now.

I don't need an apology per se. I do want to see a change.

His birthday is coming up next week and I don't really want to reach out. He is currently homeless, living in his car, working a part time job. I know if I do not do something for his birthday he will never let that go. Part of me does also have compassion that birthdays are a unique circumstance and it might be okay as a gesture of goodwill still.

Thank you for saying I can believe I am a good sister. I do. Trying not to measure my worth in the care I give others.

Thank you for encouraging the shift. For the last many years my perspective has been how can I support him, what can I invite him to, what things does he like, trying to love him well while letting him make his own choices. Maybe loving him is leaving him alone for a while.

I have clear boundaries around cursing at me or saying mean things - I tell him this isn't okay, I deserve respect, and the convo is over. The advice to not give advice is sound. He used to ask me for advice a lot, which I happily give, but then he resents it later because his very need for love and care from a maternal figure triggers him.


Pook, thanks! I gratefully was very regulated, compassionate and mindful in my interactions with him over the holidays. So the apology/behavior change is for him to apologize to me. But I will keep it in mind for the future.


Strawberry29, yes, I am waiting for an apology from him and for him to reach out to me. He hasn't been very kind or even pleasant to be around for a while and has rejected most of my efforts to connect.

I appreciate your take and tend to agree - I don't need an apology itself. Whether it is stated or implied, the core is that I deserve respect in our interactions, and I need my brother to show that respect and effort to change his harmful behavior.

You might want to check with the legal board, but I think you are setting yourself at a disadvantage in a future divorce proceeding.  You can't kick your wife out of your shared home.  Court finds out that you tricked her out, and she will be living in the house with you paying the rent.

Ugh, it’s been a rough day!  As background, my uBPDh  currently lives at both our house and a townhouse that is actually one of our rental properties. 2 weeks ago, he would stay at the townhouse and only come over on Tuesday and Thursday to pick our s7 from school since I was at work. If he was in a good mood he would stay the night, for however long that lasted and would leave when he was in a bad mood…that could be a day or a week.  Over winter break there was a fire at our kids school making it so they had to go to a different school. My h works full time from home, I work part time as well as 2 PRN positions.  My h has decided that I need to work more, so he just doesn’t pay for anything any longer, until he is in a good mood and then he pays for everything for that time period, meaning dinner, groceries stuff like that, I still get left with all of the house bills.  So I picked up the 2 prn positions as I can’t afford life right now. But…of course he doesn’t like it when I leave for work, accuses me of having affair after affair at work, etc and makes it close to impossible for me to work. There has been numerous times that he has backed out watching the kids with less than 12 hours before I have to work or he makes it so that it’s miserable for me to leave saying “have fun with you man” etc or freaking out making it so he knows I won’t leave my kids at home with him as they are all afraid. . I finally found a babysitter that can come to our house and is willing to pick our d5 up from school and our s7. Meaning, he could sleepover when he is in a good mood, take the kids to school, then he can go to his townhome to work, let the babysitter pick the kids up from school and babysit until I get home from work then he can come back over once he finishes work and be a part of our lives, dinner, sports, all activities. Instead, he told me today, that he is going to work from our house and be at the house when the babysitter is there, which I specifically told him no to earlier…and he agreed!  Now, he wants to take the kids to school, go to the gym come back to the house to work, pick our d5 up and bring her back to the house where the babysitter will watch her while he works there. Then the babysitter will leave when he picks out s7 up from school and then he will leave when I get home and then come back at 10pm in the night and do it all over again. It makes no sense!  But he is so dead set that this is an amazing idea, and just keeps telling me that I am not being considerate of his time, as he doesn’t have time to drive back to his townhouse to work so must stay to work at our house. If he was a normal person, that would e fine, but since he is not, I am sure this will be used as control. He has done this before and ended up getting fired from his job and the babysitter quit in 2 weeks!  How do I point this out to him that this is a horrible idea!  His comments are so far from reality that I had to tell him that we needed to end the conversation for the time being and refuse to it when we could do so productively. I just want to scream right now!!! 

My lawyer was a bit of a fly-by-your-pants in the courtroom.  So I tried to prepare as best I could but, inexperienced me, I could never predict what he  would choose to jump upon.

So...based on what you say your communication issues are, and how ForeverDad describes his custody hearing, you might want to :

1) Contact the school for records of tardiness and go back and see if this is a valid point for you to usr.

2) Go back through your documentation and see if you can quantify a) the number of times she has ignored to custody order, and/or b) significantly delayed important communications.

For anything you can quantify, create a cover sheet that summarizes the issue ("Child was tardy XX times over two semesters; XX-2 of the factors were  on mother's time."), then place th summary on top of the supporting docs. The judge will appreciate the summary. You'll need three copies -- judge, you, mother.

Any ideas on how to cluster items from all your documentation? We might be able to give feedback.

Under The Bridge ,

I'm curious. Why do you "think about it even now and wish things could have worked out" ?

Was it about her looks, her personality, or both?

One thing that surprised me was how much the court gave weight and attention to the school teachers' input, in one way more than what I reported.

In that last hearing it covered two entire days.  I think the court wanted to be done with us.  And this time around the GAL wasn't playing neutral footsie with my ex anymore.

I played nearly 9 or 10 recordings I made for exchanges where my ex disparaged me and played games.  Actually, I had to play them twice, once for me to testify to the dates and times, then once for her to state she didn't remember but it was her voice.  One was in the middle of summer break.  I got off work early before my Independence Day holiday so I called and offered to go where my ex worked and pick our son.  She said no, it was her time until 6 pm.  So I drove past the exit and went home.  A couple hours later I went to the exchange location and waited but she never showed up.  I called and she said to come get him.  I said , No, I'm not going there, I'm at the exchange location.  She didn't come so I called the police to document it.  The officer read my court order (I always kept extra copies in my car) and called her.  Oh yes, she listened then, to the officer, but not to me.

Even the GAL questioned her and the GAL stated she lied.

I provided a printout of the school's prior year's tardy list.  Out of 21 tardies, 19 were on her scheduled parenting time.  Then a couple teachers testified about his 5th grade overnight school-sponsored trip to a local kid's camp.  I had signed approval as custodial parent but she said it was her time and went to fetch him that evening from the camp.  The teachers downplayed the details but she clearly made a scene in front of everyone and ruined his outing.

After waiting a few weeks, the written order arrived.  (1) She was lambasted for "disparaging" me in the presence of our son, by then a preteen.  (2) The court stated she needed counseling but didn't order it.  (3) I got my requested majority time but only during the school year.  She was entitled and misbehaving year-round but I was awarded majority time during the school year but ex got to keep equal time during the summers.  In that way I sensed school was more on the magistrate's mind than what I had to live with the entire year, each year.

So don't ignore the input from the school, both counselors as well as teachers.  It can be more impactful than you may expect.

Also, most counselors and therapists make the parents sign that the professionals won't be dragged into court either to testify, be sued or complaints made to their licensing boards.  However, these same professionals will freely consult with the assigned Custody Evaluators, GALs, etc since then those professionals can use that information to submit their own informed conclusions and recommendations.  Yes, I've "been there, done that".

About selecting a GAL... be aware that they can be experienced or inexperienced, just like lawyers, counselors and other professionals.  Try your best to select one experienced, respected by the court and able to see through the false face the disordered parent will put on display.

I appreciate it. She ended up messaging me again and saying she does miss me and wants to reconnect but she doesn't want me to see her like she is. She said she changed for the worse and that I deserve to be with someone who isn't a drug addict and PLEASE READed in the head. I guess at least she was honest. I'm probably just gonna try and be strong and move on if thats how she feels. Part of me feels like she is just trying to let me down softly but I really don't know anymore. Don't really have it in me .

Thanks so much for responding. Let's see if I can tag and respond...

  @Kells76 Yes. My lawyer has talked to me about changes in circumstances and how that would be a good approach. And I def want a GAL. I want someone solely on my kids side. Can you please tell me more about your experience with a GAL? Like would I be able to request that the GAL speak to my kids current and previous teachers? My kid is in therapy and has been for a little over a year at this point. Would the GAL be able to speak with my kids therapist? And I think a custody eval would be useful too. Would you mind telling me more about your experience with that? I petitioned for custody and majority parenting time too.
My child is 6. 50/50  custody and legal. Yes I have a lawyer (same one that helped me get out). Changes to circumstances- the custody decree has always been a disaster. My ex picks and chooses what to follow and what not to follow, is horrible at communication (withholding info, not responding to emails for long periods of time or not at all, makes unilateral decisions...goes on).

 @SuperDaddy We divorced years ago and at the time of those posts I was concerned that my ex would leave the state with our child. Also, it was during the pandemic, I was deep in an abusive relationship and trying to get out (a lot more nuance and context for all of that). Socio-psychological evaluation...I will look into this but would appreciate anything you know about this.

 @ForeverDad Excellent list, thank you! Follow up questions- I have been documenting since hiring a divorce lawyer. What is the best way to organize my documentation to get the court to really look and consider it? And it is good to know about the 6 month thing, but I think with what I have it would for sure be helpful in showing patterns that are not in our child's best interest. Any advice on pointing out those patterns?
Congrats on the final outcome! 6 years is a very long time, you did it! That gives me hope. I feel like I have SO MUCH documentation. Any advice on ranking topics by importance?

Thank you all so much. If you know of any people or resources that might be able to help me please let me know! And if there is any other info from me about my situation that you think might help you better understand or advise- please ask.
Thank you thank you thank you

100% solid advice from HoratioX.. the main thing for you to do is to maintain total no contact, no matter how much you want to. we've all been through this and it is truly hard to do but all you're doing is letting her know you're still interested if she ever wants you at that time.

She has an illness which stops her deciding on a normal path of action she can stick to, such as having a relationship, taking it seriously and putting work into keeping it going. She can't do any of this; she lives by her ever-changing emotional state minute by minute and she acts only according to this.

She will drop her current guy in a heartbeat to come back to you then drop you in another heartbeat when she starts thinking the other guy was the better option after all. Repeat.

She has no rules to play by and no sense of the 'long term' and you're the one who will be constantly hurt because you care and actually do want something serious.

Stay strong and keep busy with friends, hobbies - anything to keep you occupied. Time is what's needed, it will get better,