I have spoken to him with effective communication via text-  texting is much better than trying to talk in person. I told him his options that either he can sign himself off the lease and I will stay here OR I will sign off with his approval and will move somewhere else. I told him if either of these options do not work I will have to get a no contact order. I spoke with my property manager and notified her of the situation which was very difficult and embarrassing for me BUT I did that today. He has agreed to sign himself off of the lease. He says he will leave tmrw -he's continuing to push it off until other time and always has excuses. I will continue to enforce these boundaries and be very specific- letting him know that if he does not leave and execute one of our 2 options I will get a no contact order. He continues to distance himself completely with minimal contact. He is protecting himself from my vulnerable state which scares him. This is why this is so difficult it just breaks my heart :-( He's just NOT capable in so many ways- he doesn't have the skills or the insight - it's just not there

Based on the theory of opioids, the main aspects seen in BPD are created by their brains to fulfill the goal of making them feel in an emergency situation so that endogenous opioids are released:

Borderline personality disorder: A dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system?
https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012

The study talks about the more extreme behaviors, but I think that's because it's easier to quantify the extremes. I think the reality distortion, irrational thinking, and conflict-seeking behavior could also be a form of stimulating their EOS. Would it make sense to think your partner is doing that?

Here is a partial quote from one of the best articles by clinical psychologist Dr Joe Carver:

Dr Joe Carver has long since retired and his website is gone but this link has an entire article to download:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305771.0
If you wish to view his other handouts, read my notes I posted to that thread on using "web.archive.org" to find his archived website.

Dr Joe Carver was a clinical psychologist who practiced in south central Ohio but retired many years ago.  His website is gone now and was last archived at web.archive.org on 21 November 2023.  Search there for "https://drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm" and select from archival dates before 2024.

Here is a partial quote from one of his best articles:

Hi hiiumaa ,

Your second message clarified the interaction well. It seems like you are doing a good job in communicating your boundaries clearly. You also took the right steps that day when you called the police. And I understand how that day has broken something inside you. Because then you realized he was willing to go that far.

When he said, "Thank you for challenging me.", what challenge was he referring to? I was wondering if he was referring to the day in which you called the police, since that was the moment when he understood his limits. Or he could be talking about the challenger being sober?

When communicating a new boundary or when enforcing an already communicated boundary, we have a tendency to do it in a very negative way since we are feeling bad at that moment. I think this is part of what makes it so hard to have a positive effect from it. But if it is communicated in a positive way, there is a much greater chance of things working out later. I know it's not possible to communicate effectively when they are dysregulated, and therefore it's difficult to do validation at the moment, but our mood always has an impact on them anyway.

Therefore, it is important to talk about your decisions when both are calm. This is how I got my wife to agree with our split. I waited until she was in her best mood (and I was too). It almost didn't feel right to talk about the split at that moment, but I was decided, so I pushed forward with the conversation until she positioned herself about it in a reasonable way. A few times I tried to talk about it, and she became hostile or irrational, so I gave up talking but then pushed the topic again on the next good opportunity.

Ideally, your partner should agree with all of your boundaries, or at least accept them (without overeacting to it every time you talk about it). Do you have decisions of which he does not agree with?

Apart from this, what kind of therapy is he doing? In the case of BPD, it should really be a specialist, preferably with DBT. Have you also considered bipolar? It's quite common to have both diagnostics comorbid. But bipolar is not a personality disorder, so it must be treated through the mouth (capsules, a special food diet perhaps, etc.).

That's great to hear! 

I went a similar path; the divorce to my BPD ex took almost two years (mainly due to COVID backlogs with the courts) and I have moved on to find love again. 

I've been married for about 18 months and it's been so night and day different; there are a million little things that my wife does for me that never would have even crossed my BPD ex's mind.  I still catch myself at times thinking, "I can't believe she remembered that..."  For instance, she travelled for work today and searched to find a pizza franchise there that we had on a vacation when we were first dating.  So she hauled a pizza home from three hours away just to surprise me.

That's what happens in a loving relationship when you give everything to someone else and they give it right back.

One more thing I'll add- the skills I learned here over time absolutely, positively play a daily role in my current marriage.  While my wife isn't disordered or anything, I've learned to lean with empathy and consider her feelings before jumping into an argument over something dumb.  If she gets mad over something, I'll let her be mad...but still show her I care in little ways.  Then she comes to me a bit later laughing, apologizing, and all is well in the world.

I can't say when to move on after a BPD breakup, but I can say that you'll be pleasantly surprised when you find someone that loves you for you and it just works.  Sometimes it feels so easy I wonder if I'm missing something, but I think that's learning to let go of those past fears of anxiety.

Hi UndertheBridge and ForeverDad,

Thank you both very much for your feedback!

@UndertheBridge
It's very interesting to read that your relationship seems to have followed a very similar pattern in these cycles of time. It's almost unbelievable how similar it is. May I ask if your partner at the time was in therapy?

@ForeverDad
Yes, I have doubts.
My nervous system keeps telling me very clearly that I am not safe with this man.
BUT I keep getting stuck in my thoughts and feelings during the good phases and tend to repress the bad times. And there is a voice inside me that says, "He is now consistently going to therapy. It just takes time for real change to happen. He already has certain insights – he just can't put them into practice when he's triggered..." I can't bring myself to leave. There are so many emotions that try to convince me that we love each other... That means – I don't even know if he'll come back this time. I'm just assuming he will because he always has. In the last month he sometimes said: "Thank you for challenging me. You are the first woman who does that. It is helpful for me." And then the hope come`s in play...

I've tried the skills over the years. At first, I tried a lot with validation, but to be honest, I gave up again. When he tips over, he tips over so massively that nothing reaches him anymore and it doesn't matter what I do or say. He freaks out. All I can do then is leave ( what makes him feels that I`m cold and not loving... )

I doubt this is what you want from a relationship, since obviously you're here seeking insight, tools and skills.  So, considering you now see his pattern as well as his refusal thus far to change, how much are you willing to tolerate a relationship dynamic like this?  Are you undecided?  Finding it hard to decide which path to take?

It’s good to hear these stories of people on the other side of it. I probably will do an update post myself, but I’m just getting started with this whole process. Finally got my burner phone set up on boost Mobile last week so I’m gonna start contacting attorneys to interview.

I’m all over the place, but mostly super high anxiety of how this is going to go… My biggest concern is she’s going to make false accusations against me to friends, my employer, possibly police and/or just drag this out and make it very expensive for both of us. There’s been a lot of financial damage caused by my wife’s impulsive, spending and refusal to cut expenses so we ultimately have no savings, we have a significant amount of debt already in any legal fees are gonna either be more debt, taken out of IRA or borrowed from retirement accounts, family may be able to help a little bit, but it’s gonna be pretty nominal I think. And unfortunately, my wife’s mother is an enabler and will probably be willing to give my wife a lot of money.

Anyway, yeah I’m in the state you were before you started this process. I’m just afraid of what my wife might do. I mean I’ve seen what she can do.I have some hope that we can split this pretty much down the middle. We don’t have a ton of assets, mostly a couple of retirement accounts, and the house. We’ve been together for over 25 years so my expectation is we would just split everything pretty much down the middle and come up with a reasonable alimony payment and duration. We have an adult disabled child which we both have a joint guardianship over but no minor children.


If you don’t mind me asking, how did you find your attorney and were they knowledgeable of borderline/cluster B? How long did the process take for you from the time you started meeting with the lawyer and filed to now? When do you think everything will be finalized?

 I have read splitting by Bill Eddie, I’m just curious for some real life examples. 

My experiences varied since I ultimately called several times over a ten year span from two different residences (in different cities).  Sometimes the police came out, the BPD played the victim, and they left without doing anything.

Guess what though, the abusive behavior stopped and that was the goal.  Other times it escalated after law enforcement left, and my BPD decided to leave as well (after screaming at me).  One time I decided to leave instead.  But again, mission accomplished.

Several other times, my BPD became enraged that the police or ambulance arrived and they got to see quite a show.  Those times, she was placed on an involuntary psych hold.  A few of those times there was admittance to a psych facility afterwards as well.

Did it "fix everything"?  No.  But this also built a paper trail while enforcing that abusing others in my home is not okay.  It became very clear that if you hit me, I'm dialing 9-1-1.  If you're screaming and breaking things, I'm calling 9-1-1.  If you threaten me, I'm calling 9-1-1.  And guess what....that stuff stopped completely.

There were still some fierce arguments at times, but I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about the stuff that goes beyond the typical argument.