Thanks Mutt, I really appreciate the thoughtful reply.  Its not always easy to see all that you are doing when in the middle of the chaos.  Unfortunately, the "crap" has continued.  Holidays have always been very important to my side of the family and I have done my best to keep that tradition with my family/children.  I assume that is not the case for my uBPDh's family, as he never understands why we are doing anything special for them.  Easter weekend rolls around.  I have a weekend full of kid's sports, but organize an egg coloring and dinner gathering at our house for the kids and my sister's family.  I invite both my H and my SD14.  My H stops by after church.  He does his ring the bell, then walk in the house thing that he has become accustomed to, and then stands in front of the tv and barely interacts with anyone, except my nephew to tell him that he is wrong as to who will win March Madness.  He barely acknowledges that the kids are all doing Easter stuff and just stares at the tv, then goes upstairs and "packs" some of his clothes to bring to his other place.  This is his new thing, to "pack" clothes that he hasn't worn in years to make it look like he is "moving more of his stuff out".  My sister's family leaves around 9 pm and my H grabs his bag of clothes and does the same.  We were all a little thrown off as we (the kids and I) thought he was staying over for Easter morning.  The next day, I do all of Easter, then send him pictures and say that we missed him participating with us.  He thanked me for always making holidays so nice for the kids.  Monday morning rolls around, our S8 doesn't want to go to school but I get him out the door and excited to ride the bus, which is his favorite part of the day.  Unfortunately, long story short, they now have assigned seats on the bus and my S8 is a wreck over the change and crying so I bring him home and after lots of tears agree to let him stay home for today only. (I spent a good part of the day contacting the school to get this issue figured out, to which my H is calling after me to make sure that I am not talking about him!) During this, our D5 trips on her shoe and does a face plant and is bleeding from her mouth.  I attempt to get everyone under control and my oldest out the house for school and to let my H know what is going on.  His response is of course blaming me for the bus, that he never acts this way with him (of course because he is afraid of you which he has told me) and he is fine to not ride the bus with him, etc.  I tell him that I am not doing this with him that I have to deal with our D5 who fell.  He asks to talk to her.  So she calls him, I am laying with her as she is in a lot of pain and he tells me that I need to move away from her, that she is tough and doesn't need me while she is talking to him!  She is balling and he just keeps saying "your tough, let me see your muscles, what can I buy for you, etc."  He then says that he is going to go on a walk, then do a little work then come over to see her.  She finally hangs up and I looks some stuff up and I decide that I should take her to the dentist.  I schedule an appointment, then ask him if that time works with his schedule.  He doesn't respond, after 10+ minutes, my daughter is pleading me to leave for the dentist, so I tell him that we are leaving.  He finally responds "cool".  I update him with our every move, he then tells me that he won't make it to the appointment...clearly his walk is more important...he did the same thing when I had to take our then 2 year old daughter to the ER with RSV, he showed up maybe 30+ minutes late cause he had to finish his workout.  Thankfully everything is fine.  We get home and a little while later my H shows up with smoothies and decides to work at the house, every once in a while coming out to check on what we are doing and give the kids a "high five" and me an eye roll and strange laugh.  I ignore and continue to play with my kids.  I had to leave to pick my oldest up from school and his office door was closed as he was on a meeting, so I text him to let him know.  His response was that my SD14 had strep so he was visiting her and then to let me know what the plan was for the kids for bringing the kids to school this week when I work as he still is refusing to stay over the house...yet he was just at the house for several hours without my asking him.  I ask our S8 what he wanted to do.  He started crying that he hates sleeping at dad's house, dad is mean and all he does is interrogate him about me and try to tell him things about me that he knows are not right.  I told him to tell dad he wants to call me and he told me that he has before and dad won't let him use his phone and when he brought his iwatch so he could call me, he refused to give him the password to the wifi, so he couldn't.  He tells me its not comfortable and he only wants to be with me.  We (meaning the kids and I, which I invited him on but did not buy him a ticket, etc as he has switched into his not nice mode and i won't have that on our trip) have a vacation coming up and I have a feeling that if I don't let the kids stay over 1 night, then he will attempt to mess with that.  So I told my son that we just have to do this 1 day, then I will figure out something for the other day that I work.  He refused for awhile and our D5 refused if her brother wasn't going.  I finally talked them into it as long as it was for today.  So I text my H to let him know the plan, saying that the reason why the kids would not be there the second day was because riding the bus was very important to him.  I then check my email and see that he has sent me an email entitled "negative talk in emails only"! LOL That pretty much states that he will not respond to any of my negative talk through text any longer as our kids can read the emails and he will ignore them and only respond through email.  Manipulation at its finest, as all  negative texts come from him and my response every time is that I am not doing this with him!  I laughed, forwarded it to my therapist (whose response was "holy manipulation!") and ignored it.  I then noticed that my H had scheduled a school thing for our S8 without clearing the time with me first and it is scheduled at a time that I can't be there...and he knew that.  So I sent him a text, asking him to please clear things with me as I do with him...to which he responded that I didn't let him know when the kids were doing their easter egg hunt, etc...what! (Everything in me wants to change the time to one I can attend, without telling him...but I won't)  They do it first thing in the morning every year, I can't even keep them upstairs, they were asking to go downstairs at 5 am this year!  He then switched to his email chain and said I lied, etc, which I didn't respond to.  He then started in on how he was going to convince our S8 to stay with him for the next time I work as his place is his house too.  I tried to explain what is important to him right now being a cool 2nd grader (friends) and my H flipped out (he derails anything having to do with him spending time with friends), sending an email "stating HIS "facts"" that his son doesn't spend enough time with him..., how many times have I offered for him to pick the kids up from school, take the kids to their practices, take the kids out to do something, be at the house to hangout with the kids before 9 pm, etc and I get told that he will not be my errand boy, he has to go to the gym, he has to work, etc...the excuses pile on!  This is the millionth time we have gone through this.  I can ignore the crap he throws at me...but I can't ignore the way the kids are feeling, which is my focus right now.  Honestly, I have a lot on my H and have saved him so many times, yet he doesn't care.  All he cares about is himself!  And I am tired!     

It's amazing, isn't it?  I think of it like being inside a tornado...all you can see is the debris swirling all around you.  Yet once you step out of the storm, there's a whole world out there that the tornado hid with its wind field.

Hi Zachira
Human relationships are complicated by default and sometimes they can be extremely difficult. Even with our nearest and dearest, disordered or not.
This is the human condition. Please don't let this discourage you from trusting and opening up to people you know well and see where this gets you. You can protect yourself from the toxic and abusive individuals by distancing yourself and let them live their sad lives. It's not your problem.
I can relate to how you feel as I am a very private person myself with few friends and a difficult family life, but I try to keep things in perspective and not fuss over the unimportant situations.
Keep your cool always.
Regards.

I have unexpectedly been in NC with my ubpd sibling for a couple of weeks and I’m amazed at the increasing clarity I have. I didn’t ask for this and (right now) hope it won’t last forever. My emotions change over the course of a day. BUT it has been interesting to see those feelings of fear, obligation and guilt lessen bit by bit over time. I can already see more clearly that I didn’t cause this and am not responsible for it and that I have put up with abusive behavior to a destructive degree.

Hello everyone,

I am working through the patterns I participated in with my partner wBpD. Things are going well enough, outbursts are cyclical which I tell myself I won’t stay through another one, and yet I seem to always stay. What has me ruminating is the consistency of my own reaction. I see the signs. I feel the anger coming on. I try to manage it. And inevitably the situation explodes and I say I won’t be part of this any more, but the calm returns as if they are a savior and I stay when everything in my bones tells me to go.

The last time this happened was two weeks ago. I had an important leadership talk to a group of women coming up. My partner was in the email thread confirming the date and time. While we were discussing it about 5 days prior to the event, I mixed up the date in our discussion. I figured it out and apologized profusely for getting it wrong, but that wasn’t enough. She exploded. Sent text after text to me while I was working. Kept yelling at me saying I was Chao’s and didn’t know how to respect her time. Compared my mix up with her calling me a F-ing c over and over again. Said she wasn’t coming to the talk and hoped I would be embarrassed because of it. That I would have to explain my stupidity to the organizers.

I said ok and agreed that her not going was for the best because it was my error. That I would handle everything. I also said that the way she was speaking to me - calling me names, and sending repeated messages to my office and yelling at me for three days was wrong. That she couldn’t speak to me that way.

Here’s the kicker - she shows up to the talk and says I should be grateful. Says someone had to save this relationship and it had to be her. I was angry with her. Had to pull myself together and give this talk. And then per my usual pattern, I apologize. I thank her for coming. But every time I do this, I feel like I am losing more and more of myself. I feel weak and I retreat from her. I am present but not at the same time. I don’t share my feelings for fear of her using them against me, and I don’t love the way I want to knowing this will all happen again.

I don’t want to keep doing this. I also don’t want to see her hurting. I think this is a me problem.

Sadly this says it all, you're not the only one here to have lived through that experience.  Ponder how someone who you thought loved you could file such a thing.  It's a legal action that could have followed you for life.  Yes, she's messed up, disordered apparently, but no matter how you look at it, she was bad news.

Your heart wishes it didn't end this way but that's the way it is.  Until your heart catches up with reality, listen to your brain.

Long term, perhaps years from now and depending on the local laws, your lawyer may have told you that you may be able to expunge that case so even though it was denied it won't haunt your future.

You might consider installing a security camera to deter your neighbor. If she continues unabated, it would help you get proof if she tampers with your property. It can record her screaming at you. An attorney can definitely help you with video and audio proof of wrongdoing.

Hi zachira, I'm chiming in because I reported my disordered neighbor to the city for criminal violations.  I know she was fined for one of these. That sets a boundary. Talking to her other victims might help. 

You could have called the police for trespassing and destruction of property. If you feel strongly enough, you can consult an attorney to help you with options of dealing with neighbor harassment. The best solution is for them to move of course!

I'm glad you're winding down with your disordered relatives. I know these toxic people can create extreme stress and pain. They use everything and anything to hurt you on purpose.

I have to worry about my brother and cousin for an overseas inheritance problem. I'm divorced and have no children. They think I'm not entitled to my inheritance. I've been told get out, you don't own anything, mind your own business.  They've stated they want to sell some property. Cutting out me would increase their profits. I'm on my way to become a citizen and am choosing between lawyers. My brother and male cousin seem to be the gang leaders and the flying monkeys are  pressuring me to give up.

I feel overwhelmed that I'm the undeserving target of their bile. It makes me nervous to see lawyers and I get angry at them for causing problems. I feel totally betrayed by my brother.

I remind myself to not take it personally. They're insecure and have heard them put each other down.  And, I hate to say it, I'm 6 years younger and they've both had serious health problems. Knock on wood, I haven't. The children are more levelheaded and kinder. I'll be glad when all is set in stone and I don't have to worry about ongoing issues.

I hope these sources of worry get resolved soon for you, zachira. We deserve to live in peace.

Notwendy,
Yes, some people are onto her behaviors including the HOA President who refuses to give her unlimited control over how much of the HOA money she spends like she had in the past.

As far as my family goes, I am in the process of untangling myself from the financial obligations. I have been pleasantly surprised by a few family members who have treated me with fairness and kindness. One is forwarding me essential family emails though I asked him not to get involved in getting me reinstated on the family email in any way because he gets along with the rest of them and if they knew he was helping me, they would likely target him and his close family members.

It is amazing to me how many people are flying monkeys.

Thank you for your replies as I work through this. I think I am just at the point I can no longer tolerate this neighbor.

It sounds like the neighbor is receiving some of her Karma. Hopefully enough people will be "on" to her that she will lose her control abilities.

As to your family- they have been targeting you for a long time. You've had some past financial entanglements with them- I hope these are getting resolved or at least lessened. I know it's hard to deal with disordered people when you don't feel others are reliable. It doesn't sound like your family is worth your investment in the relationships and I hope you are able to disengage with them. Being put off the email is hurtful.

I understand the shock of seeing rude behaviors. I usually don't expect them and I am stunned for a while before responding.