This sounds like a painful and complicated place to be, especially with so much history and distance involved. Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is focus on what we can hold steady, rather than trying to repair what isn’t open right now.

JS Friend:Thank you for that because it is exactly what I am doing. Focusing on my wife and her journey.

It sounds like the diagnosis brought clarity, but you’re still deeply exhausted and caught between wanting to leave and seeking reassurance. Noticing this pattern doesn’t mean you’re failing - it means your own needs are finally coming into focus.

She said that after we had separated, but yes probably going on before we did, if not physically, emotionally at least. That’s the nature of monkey branching

GrayJay, thank you for asking me about my post. I’m very sorry that you are having a bad time right now, but you can make changes even if you’re not able to leave right now.

1.  The way you feel now and feelings of abandonment are compounded by how you’re being treated. You could go somewhere that you’re treated better, and are justified to think of a better future for yourself. Let that thought give you hope.

2.  Even though you have no control over what she says, you have control over how you react. 

3.  Go back and think of a time when you were living a better, calmer life and see yourself as that person able to handle uncertainty. It is still in you to do that. Her opinions are irrelevant in that reality. It’s nonsense, since you know she’s wrong. Seeing yourself in your mind able to do that helps. Try to feel that way for some peace of mind.

4.  Your children have feelings of concern for you as their dad, and will care that you are unhappy, but you don’t give details. As adults, they have been through things and know life can change. They will care even if at first they don’t understand. No details, only that you need to do it, which is true.

5. You can confide in others that your spouse is hard to live with and you’re very unhappy. You choose what to share or not with peers.

6. I’m not sure if you described times of Jeckyll and Hyde, but good times are one-sided delusions given how you’re treated. Gray rock-like answers you mentioned really are helpful. Saying you don’t feel like talking right now, and if pressed, you don’t know why: Things aren’t okay. “They just aren’t.” Remove yourself from the negative trash. Tell yourself it is a load of garbage. Breathe.

7. You can choose a better future and are entitled to do that. Your kids will still be your kids. Plan for change.
The years go by fast.

Hoping this helps you.

While my father was the main target for her projections, we kids experienced this as well. I would visit her with good intentions, do things for her and still, she found something I did or didn't do that upset her. It's as if she couldn't contain the impulse to do this. It's hard to sustain one's own emotional well being when it's constant.

I noticed my father also had some coping mechanisms and a main one was to get out of the house for short periods of time. BPD mother didn't get up early so he'd go out for breakfast, take walks, and he also kept in contact with some of his work colleagues. Sometimes just small talk with the wait staff, or clerks at a store, would help his mood. However, when he began to have health challenges, it became more difficult for him to get out of the house.

I re-read your self help and even the CODA and Al Anon you mentioned was reading the literature. That is solitary too. The in-person contact is so important- at meetings, with a sponsor. It may be a challenge for you to get out to a meeting but as hard as it is, it's worth it. If you can do counseling too, that would be good.

Sometimes people are concerned about exposure at a meeting. What if you run into someone you know? You don't want to expose your marital issues. If anyone is at a meeting, they are struggling as well. Also people are reminded at every meeting to keep things confidential and emotionally safe.

I encourage you to not isolate with your wife- it's not good for either of you. She needs to have other connections as well and it's hard to do with BPD as BPD affects all relationships. It seems ironic but it's because she is more comfortable with you that she dissociates with you. Being around other people takes effort but she won't make that effort if you are available to her all the time.

Over time, I’ve learned that naming what I’m seeing - without trying to resolve it - is often enough to create clarity.

Reflection, for me, has been about slowing down and creating space, rather than trying to get to an answer.

Posting this here in case it’s useful to someone else.

Hi Rowdy,

My wife has many other relatives nearby from her mother's and father's families, and she is close and loved by all of them, so she has many other places to stay. The only thing is that she would not want to bring trouble to her parents.

She is very close to her mother. I have seen her worst reactions toward her mom, and I would not call it abuse. Yeah, her mom is not as intimate with her as I am, but it's still very close. My wife is very sensible, while her mom is very gross, so when her mom talks to her, many times it comes out as disrespectful, but my wife has been holding it up.

The point is that my wife has been showing a surprising capability of controlling her emotions. That makes me wonder why she didn't use those skills when I questioned her about the juice bottle. I think it's because she is just addicted to raging out at me.

Hopefully after her baseline endogenous opioid tone is raised by the medication, she will not feel the need for such spikes anymore, so those addictive behaviors should subside. Time will tell...

Now let me comment on your experience:


You realize that when she said that, she was already having an affair, right? What was your reaction?

At this point, I would have to focus all of my energy on not following the path of O. J. Simpson and getting in jail (well, I'm not a football star). But instead, I would use her drug addiction to take her out of my place and, hopefully, to jail.

But I don't think I would have allowed things to get so far. I would have tracked her down if needed as an attempt to find out her intentions and predispositions before anything happened. I think it is about self-respect. But over time, as we get more experience, this kind of stuff becomes more predictable.

When I first got here, detaching sounded very clean and absolute, almost binary. In my experience, it often feels more complicated than that, especially when emotions, history, and real-life constraints are involved.

I’m curious how others are experiencing detaching right now.
   •   How does it show up for you at this point?
   •   Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else?
   •   What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far?

One thing that helps is accepting that intense early chemistry can coexist with deeply unhealthy behavior - the good moments don’t cancel out the instability.