Hello my friend and welcome.

You have come to a very good place with lots of support. There is lots of experience here.  

Much of what you describe here are her behaviors and her story sounds totally tragic. And I can hear how much you would like for her to be well.  And I can hear that you feel caught - hurt by the affair and compelled out of compassion and perhaps even some fear (you say she will take her own life if  you leave).

How are you feeling - can you list and identify your various feelings and what is triggering them?  It will be very hard for you to move forward until they you get them sorted out.  You don't say much about where you are at emotionally and I think it will be difficult to get some advice and understand how to integrate it into your life until you get there. This is not to say that your emotions are a trouble - just that they factor into the mix of what you "should" do.

Reach out - I did reach out a lot and today it's still a daily task to keep myself in my rational self and sort out how I am feeling. I can only imagine how heavy her story gets by times. You must be a very committed person to be thinking about staying and helping. Many people would have just simply disappeared.

Hang in there. Consider getting some personal counselling or spiritual direction if you can to ease some of the mental pain - the body doesn't function well under stress - neither does the mind.

One step at time as they say....

Rev

Hi

I actually ended up sending the message I wrote since I didn't check your reply before. I got a reply saying she would like to do the same. My dad was very happy, but I'm starting to get messages from both every few days about when I will actually meet her. I want to meet her when I want to, without the pressure.

How do I do this without getting back into the same trap of mounting expectations

I would have gone with a minimal, diplomatic response on his grandpa's passing. Sorry for your loss, nothing more, like you would a stranger.

I mean, even a polite "Sorry for your loss" is appropriate between strangers, which you did say, but only alone in her car on a non-date "friendly" ride to the gym? Why not on a more distant medium like text?

If I messaged someone close to me with news a family member passed and got ignored I would feel it as a harsh rejection, which in this case is exactly what you're going for, so the anger you sense from her probably is coming from that.

If you're really serious about zero contact unless a relationship was offered, you should not have accepted the car ride either.

If she approached you again, what would you take as an actual bid to reconnect instead of it being a "test"?

Hi FF. Thanks for the encouragement

He recently had a falling out with a friend of his who shared her struggles with him about her codependency in a past relationship. He knows I have been working the CoDA steps.  He is attributing the fallout to her codependency, when really it was because she felt he sent  excessive calls and texts when if she didnt respond.

So hes researched codependency and is always saying things like "that's another thing about you codependents that I read about, you're incapable of empathy". He says something like this about twice a day for the past two weeks. Or he'll say, "I'm all alone and out here (were live far from his friends/family) and you'll never be able to understand me or be there for me". He mentioned how reading about codependency made him realise how abusive i have been to him.

He belittles me daily and I can feel that it's because he wants me to start an argument so he can  come at me with countless stories of how bad I am. I've been down that road and I'm not going there anymore.

Now I try to acknowledge the feeling that he mentions. So when he says something about me not really getting how alone he feels, I say "you're right, I've never been in your position and it sounds like loneliness is something that's really bothering you right now. Maybe you can take that class you've been talking about to meet some new people".

Not going to lie tho...I'm getting better at not taking things personally but sometimes his words still kind of get to me...

Not choosing can also be a choice, however often a poor choice.

Perhaps you can stand back (be objective seeking an overview or pondering things from an emotional distance) and determine which choice is the least bad choice.  As an example, picture yourself being asked by a member here in your situation... with that emotional distance and uninvolved perspective, what strategies or suggestions might you give that member?

Hey all,

I've been doing my best to get through these last couple of days.  I'm just such a mix of emotions.    There is desperate sadness times,  I miss him so dearly and I really feel like when he was well we were very happy.   But I'm also starting to feel some anger about some of the things that he did that hurt me.   And I feel awful for that,  especially as they will now never be resolved.   I hate that we were in such a confusing place before he passed and I also think that if it we weren't in a confusing place it wouldn't have happened.   

Just yeah,   I'm a ball of emotions, nothing feels straightforward or easy to understand.   All I know is I miss him dearly.

What is the price for your sanity and peace of mind?  I ask because you're thinking - actually hoping - that you'll have some equity in a couple years.  Of course, no one wants to sell at a loss.  But that risk is a financial risk.  Weigh that against your health and stress levels.  In addition, no one can foresee whether the housing market will be up in the future, for all we know it might go down in that time and you'd be chasing a moving target.  With that consideration, your choice would become (1) risk a loss now or (2) risk a possible loss in the future.

I presume you've both sunk money into the house, you are both on the deed and both on the mortgage, right?  If you decide to sell and cut your losses, there is a real possibility your spouse may stall on selling, stall on a divorce and try to keep you feeling obligated, guilted and off balance.
FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

That is so true and so well said. I'm going to pass that along to my dd.

I also tried searching for my dd's birth mom when dd was just 4 years old. The family did not seem to want to be found. Eventually, the searcher found some aunts and cousins, and the birth grandmother. But never found the birth mom.

On the other hand, just this past year, my dd did a Facebook search, and she thinks she might have found her birth mom. The name is correct, the age is correct, and she looks a lot like my dd. DD was going to write a message to her. When I asked if she did, she said no, she was afraid it would open up too many painful wounds. These adoptees with BPD have so much to deal with.

2CC

Dear peace. I never heard that before. It’s true about what your t said. A lot to think about.

The blaming and "problem-seeking" (vs solving) sound familiar; my husband's ex shows those traits as well.

Am I following you correctly -- if you could find some way to not be on the hook financially with the house, you would also be done with the relationship? Is that close? Or is there a better way to describe how the house/mortgage situation is related to your relationship?

I am not a real estate guru -- still renting, sigh -- but there are some members here with lots of experience, and I hope they stop by! They may have some unique insights and legal experiences that could help you get "unstuck" from the two year timeline you mentioned.

In the meantime, feel free to check out some other boards, too, for non-legal tools and skills. The folks over on "conflicted" are good to learn from if you're considering exiting a relationship, but aren't exactly sure.

And yes -- this is a safe place to talk about your conflicts, the bpd behaviors, all the crazy stuff that it seems like other people wouldn't believe. Share as much as you feel comfortable doing -- we get it, we really do.

Hang in there;

kells76