So.... My 19yo dd delivered the news last week that she's pregnant and keeping the baby. This really didn't come as a huge shock since the only thing she has focused on for years now is finding a guy (any guy) and having a "relationship". I saw this coming from a mile away.  So about 7 months ago or so, she meets this young man online that lives in a bordering town, and from the word go she was over at his house 24/7, even when he wasn't there, and she clung on to him for dear life. I've been paying for her to attend cosmetology school and wholly paying for an apartment that she literally has barely stepped foot in for 7 months, among other things like her car, insurance, and spending money. She has remained jobless even as I've expressed her need to get one. The young man is 23, has a 7 year old daughter that he has primary custody of, he works a solid full-time blue collar job and owns his own small and humble home near his father and step mom who are and have always been a strong support system by way of childcare while he works. He's fully self supporting and seems like a nice kid who steps up to his responsibilities and can work well within his family system.

Given my daughters allover history, ongoing gross lack of cooperation and major unchecked issues with emotional regulation, I am not pleased with her joyous announcement and I let her know that. I wasn't even going to pretend that this was an accident. This young man has and his family has no idea what they are really dealing with, and my daughter has managed to keep me from even meeting his father and stepmom although I started asking about that a couple months ago. She likes to control the narrative.

At this point she's been text harassing/calling me for days demanding an apology for how I reacted to her pregnancy, telling me I'm going to be happy for them "or else", making crazed allegations that my intention is to try to steal custody of the child and that I'm jealous of her. She indicated that she told the father and his family that I threatened to try to take custody, which is 100% false, but I guess that narrative serves some purpose. She's also making threats to not let me see my grandchild if I don't change my "attitude". It's just a barrage of nasty communications which go largely ignored because I'm just not going to engage in lunacy, especially now. Regardless of what she says, it's clear that she wants me to be involved but it's also clear that she has a very dysfunctional view of what my involvment should look like. She basically wants me to keep my wallet and home open to her, but my mouth shut. That's just not going to work. She's refused to get so much as a part time job as I've provided an apartment, utilities, a car, insurance, tuition for cosmetology school, and weekly spending money. She exhibits no personal accountability whatsoever and to say she's disrespectful is a major understatement.

A friend of mine thinks it's time that I go no contact and I think I've come to the same conclusion. This is not a "normal" situation even for a young adult out of wedlock pregnancy. I'm chronically being used and abused, and she makes threats of all kinds to keep that dynamic in place. She won't even agree to basic rules of civil communication in therapy sessions. I see no way that I can have a healthy relationship with a grandchild or protect myself so long as her BPD goes unchecked, and she exhibits no desire to address it. She even denies the diagnosis.

Thank you for your encouragement. She doesn't live with us during the week. You are right. I need to establish them and follow through. I am constantly concerned about her, but need to recognize that people make choices and there are consequences to actions. As a parents, you just want what is best for your children.

A boundary is for you, made by you, and has nothing to do with anyone else.

For instance, I hate anchovies.  You and I are at dinner and you say, "Try the anchovies."  I say no thanks.  You try to persuade me in a variety of ways, but the bottom line is that I have already chosen before the conversation even started.  I'm doing the thing that's best for me.

A boundary within your home could be to stop arguing completely.  If your spouse begins to yell, step one should always be to try calming her down.  She's dysregulated and her words don't necessarily match her feelings, so you show compassion and understanding instead of arguing back.

Let's say that doesn't work.  Step two would be to withdraw.  This is just like the anchovies...I'm not doing it no matter what...so if I can't de-escalate the situation with words, I'll do it with action.  Maybe I go for a walk around the neighborhood, maybe I say I'm going to visit family for a few days; I'll do whatever I have to do in order to avoid a direct confrontation.  Again though, just like in step one I'm doing it with compassion and patience.

Let's say that doesn't work either and the situation turns violent as I try to leave.  Now I'm looking for outside intervention, possibly even calling 9-1-1 if necessary to seek an involuntary hold for a psych evaluation.  Even if things go this far though, I'm still doing everything I can with love and empathy. 

In other words, this isn't a punishment, it's a compassionate response to help someone that's suffering from mental illness.

As you enforce boundaries over time, it becomes very clear and predictable that arguing, threats, and violence will lead to very predictable results.  One of two things will happen at that point; the relationship fails or the pattern of communication changes in positive ways. 

Again though, and I can't say this enough, BPD dysfunction stems from the fear of abandonment.  Showing love and compassion while strengthening the relationship builds trust and allows the person to calm down and refocus.  That should always be the goal, to actually help them through loving them.

Well weve been "talking since october 2024 but she disappears for days or months at a time lately she juist sends random updates like shes out of jail and then no reply its strange especially since she has a boyfriend which I found out after she messaged me with a profile pic of them together

  Yeah she does this often she moved back to our state and sent a message saying shes back but then she dissappears again its really weird

Hi all !

I have read a lot about boundaries, but I got to the conclusion that they can't work in a marital setting, especially when you have kids and you work from home. Because you, your kids, and your personal stuff are always there, available for whatever type of abuse your partner wants to engage in. So the BPD partner, while still angry, may just take pleasure in walking all over you, and that may keep going for many days until their anger finally subsides.

Let's review a basic definition of how to enforce boundaries:

To enforce boundaries, you must clearly define your limits, communicate them directly and calmly using "I" statements, and then consistently follow through with actions (consequences) when they're crossed, showing you mean it through your behavior, not just words, by disengaging, changing the subject, or limiting contact if necessary, to teach others how to treat you respectfully.

You can see how the definition above won't work, right? I mean, you're in the same house, sharing resources, and coparenting the kids, so contact is unavoidable. You can completely disengage from the partner during the raging out, but that will most likely ensure that they will keep dysregulated for a long time. Because they want a resolution of something, even if it's unclear to you what they want.

So I think the literature is weak, as it focuses too much on the communication but not on the enforcement and ignores the consequences, which is the most important part. Because what makes the boundary work are the consequences, right?

So let me ask a practical question. Let's suppose my wife has severely violated my boundary. She has screamed badmouthing me while keeping our door open, making sure neighbors from all other apartments will hear her. But this is part of an abusive behavior that only happens when she is dysregulated, so it's pointless to talk it out at the moment. I need to wait for her to switch into a normal temper before even attempting to talk about it. More than that, I need to wait until she is clearly trying to reconnect with me.

Finally, I succeed in talking to her about it. Because of her very rigid thoughts, she remains silent while I talk, showing some contempt. I'm ok with her silence, because I know she will defend her behavior if she talks. So she is just avoiding a peacebreaker. But then, I have to communicate to her the consequence. What should it be?

The only thing that crosses my mind is to step back from the intimate relationship (not cuddle together). But if that has already been done, then the next consequence might be to not touch her. If that's also already implemented, then perhaps not even talk to her like friends. And if that is still not enough, then it's time for separation and probably moving out.

Is that how we are supposed to make the BPD partners respect our boundaries?

If yes, then once the boundary is in place, how long should it last? Should it have a predetermined duration, such as one month? Should it last forever if the boundary violation keeps happening?

Hi GrayJay ,

First off, I think you should not worry at all about any of her divorce threats. Because clearly from what you describe, she is highly engaged with you. Your fear of her getting distant actually feeds her behavior because your fear makes you try to connect (to pull). But the natural reaction that someone who is trying to be distant has when they are pulled in is to push you even further away from them. This is true for everyone, but especially true for pwBPD.

In regard to what you asked about the blogs, reels, videos, and social media, yes, I am a bit familiar with that. My uBPDex had problems with the dubious content that the algorithm was feeding her. My current dBPDw also has some issues with that. But each one of their paranoid ideas has an explanation, an internal thought that they are trying to confirm, which exists due to an internal need that isn't being met.

Let me give you a funny example from my uBPDex:

Once they began to say that in our country there were 17 women for each man. She might have listened to this as part of stand-up comedy but took it as real. Then she kept repeating that over months, and I tried to show her otherwise, but she would not see it. So finally I found a chart from the official government institute that measures populational statistics. The chart was clearly showing that the numbers were about the same, with a very small percentile difference. Suddenly she shut up with an angry face and didn't repeat it anymore.

But what was she thinking? She was afraid that I would end our relationship and that it would then be too difficult for her to find affection again, so the idea that there were 17 times more women than men would be a rationalization of her fearful feelings. And her need that wasn't being met was the need for my reassurance.

She also had a long period in which she became obsessed with searching for NPD and tried to convince me about it. But I never saw it as destructive for our relationship because I knew this was just a superficial side effect of something deeper. From her distorted perception, her needs were not being met. The core issue was that she was jealous about the attention I gave to my stepchildren and felt betrayed. These feelings must come from some of her childhood traumas, but I never figured out the exact connection.

And my current wife sometimes is obsessed with finding confirmations that our city is dangerous. This comes from her need to feel safe, because she has suffered violence in the past.

Do not get her pregnant end the relationship. Bpd plus post party depression it will get way worse. Having a child will not make it better. Go to therapy your self exercise and dive into hobbies. Even with a child she will make it hell for you and harder for you to leave.

I wanted to know if anyone else has a BPD partner with this problem of blogs, reels, videos, and social media seriously aggravating and triggering to them, making their BPD much worse.  My wife's happiness is inversely proportional to the time she spends looking at this material, much of which is of dubious quality by people of doubtful credentials and insight; much of it is little more than clickbait.

It keeps her emotionally raw, always the victim, me completely to blame, and going down a rabbit hole of depression and anger.  I feel we've entered a new, darker phase of our marriage, and it feels like a death spiral.  She has never threatened divorce like this. She's like a different person completely.
But I'm powerless over the material she looks at. It all feels so hopeless.

I wanted to know if anyone else has a BPD partner with this problem of blogs, reels, videos, and social media seriously aggravating and triggering to them, making their BPD much worse.  My wife's happiness is inversely proportional to the time she spends looking at this material, much of which is of dubious quality by people of doubtful credentials and insight; much of it is little more than clickbait.
It keeps her emotionally raw, always the victim, me completely to blame, and going down a rabbit hole of depression and anger.  I feel we've entered a new, darker phase of our marriage, and it feels like a death spiral.  She has never threatened divorce like this. She's like a different person completely.
But I'm powerless over the material she looks at. It all feels so hopeless.