YES, jsfriend!  My 24 y/o pwBPD said I was not there for her when she was growing up b/c I worked too much or if I was there I was not emotionally present: this was about 3 years ago & I did not know about JADE....so, I said, I could not apologize for WORKING!  I know, in my heart, I did EVERYthing with my kids (within reasonable limits) and celebrated their LIFE and achievements WITH them; I DID take a high level job (my husband is a great person, however, not the "bread winner"; and they have had comfortable lives....(fast forward, pwBPD also said I enable her) (I know my story is confusing...my granddaughters mother ALSO has BPD!  She just randomly blocks me or her mother, for no reason at all (she just had another baby (4 kids, under the age of 10, so...she is in GREAT need of assistance, so, I think I am SAFE for awhile)

Sancho: it is auto (I did not know she would come off, because she moved) I only just found out; however, according to my mother; pwBPD thinks it is her health insurance (so...has not been seeing her therapist) (I am, AGAIN, frustrated, because, pwBPD could simply ask (however, that IS the point of how "we" might have gotten "here" (she said I enable) (I suppose that is a story for my therapist)

Thank you CC43!  I just worry (and worry!) and it makes me sad....and just all the emotions! (as I am sure you aware) pwBPD just adds it to the list of all the wrongs I somehow have done

Thanks so much, TelHill.

This is encouraging. My H contributed zero to the down payment — I bought the apartment before we married.  But we did a refi together, to renovate the kitchen, and his name went on the deed at that point.  Nevertheless, I’ve been paying the mortgage and the maintenance— he’s not paid a penny on that, though he covers other bills in the home.  I was told that everything is marital property, and the fact that I’ve been the one paying means nothing.  Maybe I’ll try a different divorce lawyer. 

Thanks again for sharing.

Jazz

Pinkcamellias,

I’ve already consulted a divorce attorney.  He said I’d  have nothing to gain financially, if I were to tell him to get out.  In fact, I’d have to live more modestly.

My H is on the deed and he has made contributions to everything.  I’ve thought about selling and downsizing(without him), but I would have to involve him in the entire process.  Also, I live in a very expensive city, but  I got in early and our monthly exposure is well under market value.  I’d have to move and start a new life elsewhere — New doctors, new friends, etc. Not a good idea for a woman who is pushing 80. 

I’m lucky to be here in a wonderful city where there lists of things to do is endless — I’m never bored. 

The divorce  lawyer’s exact words were, “You’re stuck”

But I don’t feel trapped.  I am making my life as interesting and fun as possible, and I’m detaching from my H more and more.  And I’m in therapy. It’s not easy, but I’ll make it — One day at a time.

Thanks so much.

JazzSinger

Hi TelHill,

The answer is yes, to all of the above. 

Since I posted, I decided to back my own decision not to throw him out (for now).  I think living with him is the lesser of two evils.  I am past the age of being able to earn more money.  It is what it is.  As difficult as it is to live with him, I think it’s the lesser of two evils.  If I’m being honest, I’d have a hard time lowering my standard of living at this stage in my life.  I’m just going to have to find more coping mechanisms. 


I’ve been detaching as much as possible.  I have my own life, my own friends, my own interests outside of the home.  At home, I maintain firm boundaries.  To some extent, it’s like I’m living with a stranger anyway.  I never realized he could be so evil. 

Thanks for the advice on Codependents Anonymous. I’ll check out their website. 

And thanks so much for everything you shared. . 

Jazz

Hi BPDstinks
Can you tell me the nature of this insurance? Is it health?

I can relate and had exactly the same thoughts afterwards.

From my wife’s parents saying after our breakup they are extremely fond of me and they know it’s not my fault. Clients that have friends that know both my wife and I saying they are shocked we have split up and I am a lovely man, with the caveat they are not surprised by my wife’s behaviour. Getting supplies from my local builders merchants and the owner being surprised that his dog didn’t bark at me, just came up to me to pet him, then saying I must be a good person because he didn’t bark, to everyone I meet when I go out socialising all telling me I’m one of life’s good people. To a mutual friend of mine and my current girlfriend, messaging her to say she didn’t know we were together, that she loves me and I’m a good lad and she is pleased for her.

It is like the universe telling you that you aren’t unseen. That people do recognise you for who you really are, and the emotion overwhelms you somewhat because the one person you wanted to recognise you for who you are is the one person that can’t  because of their disordered thinking.

Hello and welcome to the family- I have the same story with a 26 year old BPD daughter.  It's great that you want to continue to help, and in time you'll learn to do that more effectively.  There's a fine line between "helping" and "enabling", and that's been a tough lesson for all of us.  You'll get there though!

UPDATE: RESOLVED!

I just wanted to come back here and post an update. Mom DIDNT move in with me after all! You guys said what I knew deep down to be true. I couldn’t quite verbalize my needs, my fears, my feelings about her moving in with me, only felt a growing sense of doom the closer I got to that day. I’d like to say I stopped it from going down. I really was trying to work up the nerve to do just that with less than 2 weeks to go till moving day, when I got a text from my sister saying, “have you heard? They offered mom 2 months free rent to sign a new 1 year lease for $1280 a month. Can’t believe she’d be so stupid!” Stupid or not, i felt nothing but immense relief.

Very narrowly missed that bullet! Thank goodness!