This kind of thing happened with my BPD mother when she was on her own too but actually this happened over decades.

Since she wouldn't accept that she had a mental disorder - there was no real solution for her emotional distress. Although there's a physical part to addiction- this was her self medicating.

I have spent a lot of time in ACA 12 step groups. I found it very helpful. Likely you would too. It helped me to understand addiction and also how limited family is to control this.

It's hard, probably impossible to be disconnected from it emotionally. Nobody wants to have their mother do this, or do the unthinkable.

But like the rope story, if you go over the bridge with her, then it doesn't save either of you.

It doesn't mean you have to disconnect entirely but you have to decide your boundaries and limits with it. You may not feel good about that- I don't think we ever get to feel completely OK with the situation or the boundaries, we just know we have to have them, because "going over the bridge" won't help anyway.

One of the benefits of the 12 step program is the idea of a Higher Power. This can be however anyone chooses. There were people of all beliefs, including atheists in the groups- and they adapted it to their choosing. How it worked was to understand that - we don't run the universe- we can't control everything. This helps us to see what we can control or what we can't. What your mother chooses to take/drink- there's no controlling that.

I think the best you can do is hope your mother doesn't harm herself, and call for help (emergency)  if you are concerned.

Thanks Naruto. I was going to make my first post on this forum, but after reading this thread, this was EXACTLY what I went through. It's like you are me, and we lived the same existence. So, I figure I'll add my slightly different version to this.

My PwBPD ex also had a relationship with her ex-husband that she kept secret from me. The mechanics of the betrayal was identical to yours. I also snooped on her phone (which I also am not proud of). I found sexual / flirtatious messages exchanged between them, but also with other men as well during the 4 years we were together... I learned her ex-husband has a foot fetish. I called her out on this. I initially broke up on her, but she was so good at love bombing and manipulating me and made me think - "Surely, I must be over reacting to this". So, I came back like an idiot. I believe her when she said she'll "do better".

Over the months I would catch her in a bunch of lies. She would say one thing and do another. She would hide me from times she spent with her ex-husband. She would take a call from him, and walk to the other end of the apartment and hide in the closet to take his call. I told her I felt so disrespected by her behaviors to keep us in "silos". She would come up with a bunch of excuses as to why I was misunderstanding everything.

I was so trauma bonded and in a state of jealous distress, that I took it one step further - I left an audio recorder in her living room one day, when I knew her ex-husband was going to stop by (this I am incredibly ashamed of. I should of never took it this far). At the very height of our relationship, 20 minutes after I left, she invites him over. She proceeds to give him a haircut (probably with him naked), then passionately kisses him afterwards, gives words of love and affection, and touches his gentiles. She at first lies about this, then downplayed it, then made up new details, then denied all of it.

I believe they call that "triangulation", when they float the other love interest around to make you jealous and keep you fighting for her.

Anytime I would bring up my concerns, she would DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) me, so then I would JADE (justify, argue, defend, and explain). She was a magician  with words. Her ability to manipulate was next level. She was just a collection of survival defense mechanisms and games she would play, that she learned from her difficult childhood to get lovers to remain committed.

She grew up with a absent biological father, and a cruel narcissistic mother. Also, the more I dove into all her behavior patterns, I can't help but feel she may be autistic to some degree, as well as BPD.

After confronting her with all this, I left in a state of disgust. I told her we were over and that she had zero boundaries. Again... like an idiot, she tried to play me. We talked on the phone for a week. I told her I didn't trust her. I didn't want to physically be in her presence. Eventually she would just "assume" we were back together like nothing ever happened. Then came the attempts to raise the stakes by finally allowing me to meet her son, and telling me if I wasn't available to do so, she would be angry. She would eventually use this event against me when I attempted to leave for good. She would say, "how could you do such a thing, especially after I just introduced you to my son". Meanwhile, I haven't agreed to even be back together with her. Crazy.

On Christmas Day evening (of all times) I was so trauma bonded I couldn't wait one more day to let her know I was done for good. I sat her down and said I had to remove myself from her and seek therapy and distance. The look in her eyes when I told her this, was like pure evil. Glossy. I calmly stated I was in a state of anxiety and our relationship was unhealthy, and I needed time to process and heal. She escorted me out of her house angerly.

I went no contact. Almost immediately I could feel the overwhelming weight lift from my chest as I left her apartment. The first few nights were rough. Dreams / nightmares. Intense feelings of guilt, but also relief. Eventually after a couple weeks her best friend became a "flying monkey" and tried to understand what went wrong, and what information I could provide her. At first I resisted. But the second time, I caved and told her probably more than I should. I mentioned I believe she has BPD and that she needs help. That was a mistake... that was used against me for the smear campaign.

I learned during this time my PwBPD ex broke her hand (probably intentionally) to get my attention. She lied to her friends that it was because she fell with shoveling (they have video evidence of this wasn't the case). She would call me up from random numbers, hoping I'd answer and leave voicemails telling me, "It's all just one big misunderstanding".

2-3 more weeks passed and my PwBPD ex sent a text to let me know how much "work she has been doing on her self lately". I believe she was lying that she was seeking counseling. I foolishly scheduled a call with her. It was about 5 minutes of light catching up. She actually asked me, "So.. why did you leave me again?". Uhhh.. what? I told her I think it's best that the relationship remain over. At this point, she went nuts. The true version of her self came out. The mask came off. She went from "I love you", to a 10 minute diatribe of all the things I've done wrong. I just held the phone away from my ears while she berated me. I finally stated calmly that we should remain apart. She then says, "Good, I'm glad its over, I've wanted this anyway. I'm going to find a big strong man that can deal with my issues. I am never talking to you again, and If I see you out in public, I'm going to ignore you. Bye". We hung up.

I feel pretty awful at this point. I can't have it end like this. I sent her a text about an hour later basically stating, I still care about her and cherish our memories, I want the best for her and happiness, and hope one day there is room for friendship... You know, something an adult would say after a breakup. She actually texts back in 3 days and states maybe she would be open to a friendship, but asks me what that would look like - I think she is gaging what level of "supply" will I actually provide her if she agrees to this. I don't respond for a month, until yesterday (3/7)...

3/8 is her birthday. My mind and heart was twirling with feelings of remorse, love, missing her, mourning our friendship, guilt, shame. I know this person is so toxic and I don't trust her, but I'm stuck in love with her. This sucks. I hate "holding onto baggage". She may hate me, but I don't hate her. I don't like to hold grudges, and I feel the need to forgive her and absolve her and myself from this pain, so I can move on.

I sent her a text message yesterday truly apologizing for my mistakes in the relationship / breakup and causing her pain. I wish for her happiness with whoever her next boyfriend is, and wished her a happy birthday. I didn't make any requests, begged, or hinted at trying to get back together. She didn't have to respond back if she didn't want to. Silence from her. I know now I have been "Split black" - just like she said, I am dead to her. Crazy.

To recap: I gave my all. I loved her. I wanted a future with her. I didn't care about her faults. I gave her multiple chances after cheating on me. She gaslit me, lied to me. She reframed the truth to avoid her accountability. I leave after expressing my deepest concerns for my mental health, NOT because I abandoned her (like she says I have done). She smears me to her friends (they hate me now too). Now she hates me, and I believe she is with another dude(s).

You used the term "Mind f*cked"... I feel like I was Mind r*aped. And on top of it, no one has any idea what I went through. This was not a normal breakup. No one quite believes me or understands. They want me to get over it. It's sort of like I was abducted by aliens and anal probed and sent back to Earth... and everyone thinks your crazy if you try to talk about it.

The love you feel in the highest moments from them, is almost like the unconditional love people describe they receive from "God" during a near death experience. It's all encompassing. They set aside your faults, and love you for exactly who you are, and how you've always wished to be loved... Then you realize it's all a game. It was fake. It never existed. They never existed. It's one thing to mourn an actual death... but this person is still alive. You know where to go for the source of this incredible drug. But you know you'll never get it again. Pure sadness.

Thank you for this forum.

It's been a little while since I checked in on this thread and yea Not Wendy I completely agree about protecting ourselves from the destructive behaviour.

We had an issue with my mum on Friday, I was contacted by family late Friday afternoon because people couldn't reach my mum all day on the phone. My brother who lives local.to her was  around to go and check on her and he found her in a stupor as she drank over half a bottle of wine on top of whatever benzos she took that day! My brother said her breathing kept stopping and starting but she came round eventually. We have no idea if it was a serious attempt to try and end it or what bit she's playing a dangerous game mixing benzos and booze and we can't watch her all the time!

Yes, now that I remember, both my BPD wife and my BPD ex were thrilled and even enthusiastic every time we met. I think that changed after they had kids. Then they became constantly distressed about the kids. I never got to the point of constant devaluation, but the intermittent disrespectful attitude and the lack of praise already take a toll on how we feel about being with them. That's what makes me think that I won't wait for my wife's recovery, that I might drift in another direction.

Hello and welcome to the family.  You've received great advice so far and I don't have much to add.  But I did wonder if you considered hiring a property manager, or anyone really, that could serve as the go-between for home-related needs.  There's no reason it has to be you specifically to talk about a leaky faucet or lawn maintenance.  It could just as easily be a friend, a neighbor, a family member, etc.

By staying somewhat connected to the home and the former marriage, it could make it harder for your ex to move on.

P.S.

I re-read your posts and saw that your ex is making suicide threats.  Normally I'd advise people to offer to call 911 when their pwBPD makes a suicide threat.  If they agree for you to call, they get some professional help.  If they don't want you to call, then maybe they aren't serious about it, and you know you did what you could to help.

But your situation sounds unusual, because you are divorced and lead separate lives right now.  Now more than ever, you are not "responsible" for your ex's moods, and you aren't necessarily experiencing her moods in real time, either.  Unless she's in a live conversation with you and talking about suicide, at which point you could offer to dial 911 for her, I think you should ignore her messages.  She's old enough to know by now that if she needs help, she can dial 911 or 988.  Maybe you could remind her of that just one time:  If you are suicidal, you can dial 911 or 988.

Hi there,

The residual relationship you have with your ex sounds exhausting.  Basically you're her landlord now.  Would it be possible for you to limit your communications to landlord-related issues only?  Any other correspondence is spam--and you could choose to treat it like spam, by sending it straight to the trash bin.  I don't think you should explain this new "policy" to her, just start doing it.  When she sees that her rants, questions and accusations don't get any reaction out of you, she might get bored and stop bugging you.

Look, your ex isn't seeking explanations or closure in my opinion.  She's looking for continued drama, maybe to try to extract additional confessions or concessions out of you, to get you to "atone" and pay her back even more because she thinks you "owe" her.  She might want to see you suffer, thinking that will make her less miserable?  I'd say, none of that works.  It hasn't worked in 30 years, and it won't work for her now.  So don't engage.  Don't "dignify" her whiny/angry/waify/miserable/accusatory texts with a response.  Don't give her your attention.  You have better things to do.  You are looking forwards now, not backwards.

Nevertheless, if your ex is unrelenting, might you consider selling the property and giving her her share of the proceeds?  Then she would be free to find a new landlord.  How does that sound?  You might think, she can't handle leaving the house.  But I'd say, YOU left the house, and you are fine.  I actually think it might be a good idea for her to find a new place, because her memories wouldn't be triggered all the time.

Any communication you do have with your ex could use the BIFF formula, which is designed for high-conflict individuals.  Be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm, just as a landlord would be.  Brief, to minimize possiblity for argument.  Informative, sticking to the facts.  Friendly, meaning polite and respectful, yet distant.  Firm, to end the conversation and minimize debate.

There was a time I received emails and texts from family members that I found bothersome, because they tugged at my emotions sometimes.  Then I decied I'd become more "clinical."  When I got new messages, I'd scan them for content and  categorize them:  Is this message a complaint (e.g. I don't call enough)?  If so, ignore--I don't "do" complaints by text, only in person.  Spam (e.g. forwarding a chain letter or a cat video)?  If so, delete.  Bragging/looking for reassurance or recognition?  If so, send a heart or a thumbs up.  Request for me to act when it's none of their business/not my responsibility?  If so, ignore.  Maybe only one in thirty messages was important, and those I'd attend to.  But the rest--I'd just "process" them as quickly as possible and move on.

It also sounds like a lot of guilt may be keeping you pulled into trying to help her move forward. Many of us here get caught in something we call FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. When someone we cared about for a long time is hurting, it can feel like it’s somehow our job to help fix it or give them the answers they need so they can finally move on.

One hard thing many of us eventually run into is that closure usually isn’t something we can give another person. Even when we explain ourselves over and over, the pain is still there and the same questions keep coming back. At some point the focus often shifts away from trying to settle the past and toward figuring out what kind of boundaries we need going forward.

The suicide threats you mentioned are also really heavy to carry. Most of us here eventually learn that those kinds of threats are best handled by professionals rather than trying to manage them ourselves. If that happens again, it’s okay to involve crisis services or encourage her to reach out to her therapist instead of feeling like you have to hold that responsibility alone.

It might also be worth talking through some of this with your own therapist - especially the guilt you mentioned and how the suicide threats affect your ability to step back from the conversations.

Thank you both SO MUCH for the reply. I truly feel so alone in this. We have been separated about 1.5 years and legally divorced about 7 months. The divorce agreement stipulated that she would stay in the house and I'd continue to pay the mortgage. This keeps her in a much nicer home than she could otherwise afford (with the dog, who I also want to keep in a home) and I retain partial ownership of the house. Unfortunately, it also means we have to collaborate on home maintenance issues. So, we are tied together financially. She is retired and I am much younger so continue to work 2 jobs to maintain her lifestyle and my own living expenses.  This is my reward for being the only one working in the home the past 20 years. Lol. Anyway.....I'd be far less bitter about working myself into exhaustion to afford this court-ordered arrangement if she would just leave me alone. For the past 1.5 years I have been held hostage to suicide threats and weekly / sometimes daily (all day while Im trying to work) texts about how I need to do or say or confess this/that/the other to "help her move forward." But she is NOT moving forward no matter how much I have tried to "help." I remarried a few months ago and did not tell her - on the advice of my own therapist - because she was suicidal over the holidays. Of course she found out and was FURIOUS I didn't tell her myself. This supports her constant narrative that I'm a selfish lier that can't be trusted. For the life of me, I can't figure out why she even continues talking to me if that's how she feels (other than to punish me). In her mind, it's up to ME to help her move forward. When I ask how to do that or what that would look like she literally says she does not know. Ok, then what am I supposed to do then?
Reading this back, I feel ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous. I'm driven by extreme guilt, I guess. I spend a lot of time wondering if I really am an awful person. I just want this to stop.

I can't imagine how mentally exhausting this must be - you've done all you can for her which is highly commendable but you're still suffering through her actions.

Although your relationship is over, you still need to set solid boundaries to cope with the fallout. As Mutt says, only respond to 'business' texts and ignore anything personal.  Hard to do, I know, but you have to put yourself first and foremost now.

Is there any way you can finalise all financial matters and go solid no-contact?