Am really sorry about your sister and you find yourself living at home again. Is it possible to work on a plan to move out? You may not be able to right now but you can take tours of apartment or house shares to keep yourself motivated. It really helps to not live in the same place as disordered family members for peace of mind.

I'm 62 but living most of the time with my elderly dad who needs help. (I have my own place.) My disordered brother is living here full time though he's not around much.

I suspect he has bpd. Our late mother was diagnosed with it. She was loud and abusive like your sister but my brother is a quiet bpd for the most part. He doesn't rage but they had/have the same lack of conscience, propensity to lie, steal, threaten and manipulate.

Can you limit the time you're at home? Stay out with friends? Hang out at the library? Work extra hours/get a second job? How does your mom feel about your fights? If you share a room with your sister can you sleep in the living room?

Thanks, notwendy. It helps to hear that from someone who understands.

It is a little uncomfortable to hear condolences. I know what you mean. The funeral felt uncomfortable for that reason. The person you saw and the one I experienced were quite different.

My late mom received a notice to serve on a jury last week. I emailed the county court to let them know she had died. I received an unexpected response - I'm very sorry for you loss. I immediately felt detached and uncomfortable.

Sorry I didn't respond before on this, Zachira. I'm sorry you've endured betrayals. There's a lot of pain that comes with this. Hugs to you. Having a BPD parent set me up to be victimized by others (my ex-husband, a relationship I had after my divorce, my quiet uBPD brother) and to blame myself for not seeing how they set me up to use me.

It's  helped to watch those YouTube videos about spotting 10 red flags of narcissists. I wish there was a workbook or fieldwork with a guide to get practice. I have avoided a few people who seemed sneaky but am afraid to pursue friendships. It's been extremely slow process for me.

Don't know if this will help but I changed my posture. I read an article that the disordered pick their victims by their gait. They can tell you may be amenable to control if you have poor posture or look afraid. I looked like I've been abused. looked at my security cam and compared to others on the sidewalk I looked unconfident and afraid. I practiced better posture and took up more room. I've noticed a few people who I thought were sneaky back off from me on their own. It was a relief.

I was too friendly and fawning before, acting like I really was: desperate for friendship because of loneliness. I paid attention to what I was saying so they wouldn't reject me.  I was eager to please. I went full speed ahead instead of taking my time to get to know someone naturally. 

I was listening to the other person to keep the conversation going but not paying attention to the nuances of their words and behavior. I dismissed intuition if something seemed off.

I don't know if this is true for you, Zachira. It wasn't a very healthy way. You seem more self-aware and together than I was.

It hasn't helped me to confront my disordered neighbor. She's aggressive and is willing to fight over non-issues. She's said abusive, hurtful things to me. Avoidance works best to keep my peace of mind. This is how my dBPD mom abused me. I don't want a repeat.  I'm prone to having my thoughts contaminated (great way to put it) and feeling trapped and hopeless. I do something fun or comforting and that works to let the neighbor issue take up less room in my head.

Methuen,
Yes, the neighbor's problems need to stay in her own head and on her side of the door. For this reason, I have decided to go mostly no contact with her like I did for a year at one time. It worked, then as I begin speaking to her again she slowly began abusing me again. I have given her many chances and eventually she goes back to being more and more abusive as time passes.

Your stories about how you handled your mother with the glass tree ornament and the one about the coworker that smeared you are helpful. Sometimes we have to find an assertive succinct way to stand up for ourselves. I have had a few successes in handling this neighbor. One is to call her out on her lies. The other is to just walk away when she makes unreasonable demands. Mostly I plan to ignore her behaviors until I have to address them. For the future, I plan not to allow myself to get contaminated by her negative emotions as much as I can however I will try to be more compassionate with myself if I do get triggered. Those of us who have been abused by our Family of Origin have to continually cope with triggers. I know I continue to get better with coping with the triggers over time and with experience.

I am sorry to hear this Zachira. I think it can be tricky "knowing who to trust".  If we trust the wrong person, and share more of ourselves and/or our vulnerabilities with that person, there is a potential that they can betray us.  They may or may not understand they have betrayed us.  I think my way of navigating this is sadly to trust very few people.  I trust my H.  I have one close friend (of 30+ years) I trust.  I have 1 cousin I trust (lives 800 miles away).  And I could trust my dad (deceased 21 years ago). These people I can count on to have my interests at heart. They know me well enough to understand me, not judge me, and still like me despite my flaws.  Beyond that, I don't really count on anyone, and learned early in life that people can't be trusted for all kinds of reasons.  People who are acquaintences I will chat and visit with about all kinds of topics, but I will rarely share anything private, such as info that has any potential of making me vulnerable at any time now or in the future. Even my 1 close friend calls me a "private" person.  I have other friends, and we have great conversations, but it is less personal - I chose to keep my vulnerabilities and private life private.  

I think growing up with my uBPD mom played a huge role in my trust issues.  I also think that being bullied through grade school played a role.  I recognized in mid adulthood that I had trust issues.  What I didn't recognize until more recently was where they could have come from.  Nobody would recognize from knowing me that I have trust issues unless I told them.  Let's just say that when it comes to personal conversations, I'm very good at being a reflective listener, and making it about them.  I rarely reveal personal info about myself, and keep it general.  A number of years ago I noticed that people I hardly knew were opening up to me about stuff I didn't really need to hear (eg. in the grocery store). I learned in my university days that a great way to make friends was to get people talking about themselves, which most people seem to like to do. LOL  I could pick and choose what to share about myself, but privacy was a learned self-preservation skill for me. The less I opened up about myself, the more I could trust people to not disappoint or betray me.

Since you are writing about a difficult neighbour, I can say I have encountered my share of triggering people in my life.  Some people here may remember that I came out of retirement and returned to work to find a "safe" boundary from my mom's demands. (She demanded my attention for her emotional caretaking and to do tasks daily for hours at a time, and if I couldn't do it as soon as she wanted, or when she wanted, or the way she wanted, I didn't love her).  So I went back to work, which was a "boundary" that made me unavailable to my mother.  That of course brought on a rage about what a selfish daughter I was.  One of my jobs that I went back to was a career job that I loved, but it was only 1 day a week, and I am retiring from that this July.  The other job was in a different sector that allowed me to use my skills and experience in a new way with a new audience.  I really enjoy this job and the clients I work with, but not so much the people I work with.  I have a small number of colleagues.  One of them (colleague #1) is dBPD and is open about seeing a psychiatrist once a week.  I give her credit.  I wish my mom had been able to do that.  Still, when this colleague has an emotional dysregulation in the office, it is distressing for me, whereas someone else might be able to brush it off easier.  My boss (colleague #2) also has emotional dysregulations.  That is the harder one and when she goes off the rails, everyone in the office feels it.  Even if it's not BPD, it feels too familiar with having had a mom with BPD.  Ironically, I went back to work (to a job I like) to escape my mom, but found myself in an office with people who have similar issues. And when I started the job, there was another colleague (colleague #3) who made me her scapegoat and what I underwent is called "harrassment" in the workplace. She slandered, and lied, and blamed, and accused, and called me names.  I was strong enough to know who I was, and just determined to do my job well and trust that eventually others would get to know me for who I am, and not this woman's lies.  Eventually she left the workplace, but my boss (colleage #2 also with emotional dysregulations) didn't have the skills to navigate the situation, and much of the time, wasn't even present. I finally lost my cool during my first performance review (when my boss accused me of some slander that colleague #3 had spread).  I am well known in my community with a solid reputation and wasted no words mincing what I thought about what she was saying and why.  After that she dropped it and seemed to respect me more. I let the results of my work show who I really am.  I agree with another responder here who said that sometimes with some people we just need to be assertive.  I would add blunt.  It's the only thing some people seem to understand.

While it's not at all the same with your neighbor, there are some similarities. The way it seems to me, we have unfortunately learned to recognize some dysfunctional people because of our early childhood experiences.  Now, later, as we have grown, and reflected, and learned new skills for coping with difficult people, it sometimes seems like they are all around us because we are so easily triggered by them based on our early life experiences. It was pretty unlucky for me to land in a workplace with so many difficult people when I went back to work to set a boundary to give me space from my mom.  You end up with a difficult neighbour living right beside you.  In fact I think there are difficult people everywhere for everyone.  They are in churches, on boards, in workplaces, CEO's, political leaders, neighbors, and in families.  Everyone seems to know one.  They just seem to be a fact of life.

People can be complicated.

It's almost unbelievable that your neighbour hired a contractor and "changed your door" because she didn't like it.  Does she own or manage the place? Did she have a right to do this?  Should she have given you notice? It sounds nutty.  How can someone do this?  I would be calling the police.  I think you actually showed incredible restraint.  I wouldn't beat yourself up about blowing up at her.  Goodness.  She obviously has issues.  I would hand her issues back to her by reminding her where her own door is and suggesting she could change that one instead.  Humour maybe?

My mom used to make fun of me every Christmas for biting into a glass Christmas tree decoration as a baby.  She would do this in front of family or company.  She loved telling the story and treated me as if I was so stupid I would bite into a glass ornament. I have no idea what she "got out of telling it" every year.  I was in my 50's before I finally replied by asking her in front of guests, why she hung a glass ornament on the bottom of a tree where a crawling baby (who puts everything in their mouth) can reach it.  She never once told the story again.  I didn't try to humiliate her.  I just asked the question out of curiousity in a calm voice.  After 40 years of being the dutiful daughter and listening to her tell that story, it ended with that simple question.  

Sometimes, we just have to find a way to bat the ball, or birdie, or issue, back at them, and let them sit with it.  

Not sure if that could work with this neighbor?  

Or adjust your schedule or routine so you don't run into her as much?  I did that once 10 years ago in a different workplace with a different boss.  She was just "too much" for me at the time, so I changed up where I parked and how and when I entered the workplace so I could avoid her.

Maybe none of these will work in your situation Zachira.  The truth is, I just feel bad for you having this person live so close to you, so I might be being too "solutions based".  These difficult people can be a "lot".  Don't let her rent too much space in your head.  She and her problems should stay on the inside of her own head, and on her own side of her own door.

Yes, this is the game of the disordered that they lash out at others to make them feel as miserable as they feel. The challenge is to not take the bait, not let them make us feel terrible, so than they have to take responsibility for their feelings. 

One of the things I have experienced throughout my life is the healthiest people know how to balance being kind while affirmative when necessary. Many people who did not necessarily want a close relationship with me were nice to me about my behavior when I acted inappropriately yet set the boundaries in kind ways that did not make me feel badly. I have noticed that the healthiest people genuinely feel sad for disordered people. In the last few years, more and more I feel sad instead of angry with disordered people most of the time. I have heard that underneath anger many times is sadness.

I have felt sad for my disordered neighbor most of the time however now I just feel angry. I feel she has pushed me to my limits of what I can tolerate. I don't like feeling this way, yet I believe in some ways this anger is sending me a very important message that I have to stop enabling people like her. I feel that this time I am really done with her, and I will limit the contact with her as much as possible.

I have been so grateful for many years to people who treated me well with firm boundaries who were role models for me. I went to my high school reunion to apologize to the most popular girl in my class who I treated badly. She ended up sitting next to me for dinner just by chance with all the hundreds of people there. I apologized to her as she soon as she sat down and she was genuinely taken aback. We talked a lot throughout the evening.  At the end of the evening, she gave me a warm touch when she left.

I am now a work in progress learning not to get too involved with people who show no interest in me and cannot emotionally reciprocate. For many years, I was willing to help people and not ask for anything in return. This has led to the relationships eventually becoming intolerable for me, when I was ignored put down for expressing my needs no matter how small and/or taken advantage of financially despite not having a lot of money myself.

Lately with the painful betrayals, the red flags were all there. I choose to ignore the red flags because I was lonely and wanted to be nice. It is time for me to get out and make some new friends, while keeping the few ones that are very much worth keeping.

Yes, let her and her kids go on their trip with her family.

Be prepared how you might respond if she decides to make a reversal and now you can come along with them again.

You do have a right to privacy and confidentiality, especially in this sort of situation, unwinding a marriage.

It ought to be relatively simple since you don't have children together.  That means no custody or co-parenting complications.  It's a relatively short term marriage so your support obligations should be minimal, hopefully only during the divorce process.  But you know she will still make it complicated.

Be especially cautious about "sour grapes" allegations, either against you or your own kids.  She may try to retaliate and - whether purposely or not - mess up your custody with your kids.

A clean break, as much as possible, is best.  As much as possible let the lawyer be the buffer with notifications and negotiations.  Of course do as much legwork as possible to reduce billings but in high conflict scenarios your lawyer is paid to protect you from legal repercussions.

Love this.  It's so true.  I sense that Sunny Sunglasses has figured that out, despite growing up in a challenging environment.  Sunny feels responsible for her life, she has agency, she can choose her next steps.  She can tolerate some discomfort for a time, and persevere through challenges and setbacks, because she sees a path forward to something better.  Basically she chooses to be positive, and that is probably one of the most powerful forces in life.  Happiness is a choice.

I find that the disposition of someone with BPD is basically the opposite.  The default thinking for a pwBPD skews very negative.  Granted, thinking about what could go wrong can be protective sometimes (to avoid harm), but too often with BPD, their negativity is extreme, pervasive and reactive.  Worst of all, a pwBPD doesn't feel responsible for her life; instead, she thinks that other people are causing her life to feel miserable.  This mindset is pernicious, because it's basically a form of learned helplessness.  She has no agency, no power to move forward, let alone see any good in people (including herself), or give the benefit of the doubt.  She's stuck in a negative thinking rut.  Worse, she lashes out and blames others, trying to make them feel as miserable as she feels.  It's truly depressing.

So much familiar here.It’s so hard. And you will find thi site helpful for consolation snd change.