I don’t have any real advice, but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re having to navigate this. I have a grandbaby in the middle of a mess right now. It’s so hard.

Can you reach out to the other grandma? Something like, “I know my daughter wasn’t feeling well and I just wanted to check in on her.” It could open up the door to a conversation.

If you can establish a relationship with his parents it will benefit all of you in the long run. They’re going to eventually see that she’s not well and you want them to know that you’re on the same page as them, especially if custody becomes an issue.

I’m so sorry. I can hear the hurt and exasperation in your post. I can’t imagine living with your daughter as she continues to treat  you like that for so many years.

Something my therapist has helped me to see is that it’s good to have boundaries. We don’t have to continue being abused, even if it’s coming from our own child. Having boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t love them. Would you accept this treatment from anyone else?

You have to take care of yourself. The stress of being a mother to someone like this will ruin your health if you don’t get help.

I don’t believe BPD is caused from abusive or neglectful parents. I believe the only reason that fallacy exists is because the person with BPD claims there was abuse, and we all know how much they tell the truth.

If you feel like you need to go NC, do it. Listen to that instinct. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. Look at all you’ve done for her so far, even as she has continued to abuse you.

I hope you get the help you need and take good care of yourself.

I’m new here and appreciate everyone sharing their stories. It’s helping me have even more clarity on what I need to do. My DD hasn’t been diagnosed with BPD or NPD, but I’ve been in therapy for a few years now and it’s something that my therapist highly suspects.

Even typing this up and being here makes me scared of the reaction I would get from my DD if she ever found out. Isn’t it crazy how we can live in such fear of our own child? As I’m healing I realize more and more what an absolutely insane journey this has been.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I refuse to do it.

I’ve lost so much of my life because of her. I’m finally seeing that and I feel like I’m in the process of grieving not only the loss of my child, but of all the years I’ve lost trying so desperately to rescue her. My other kids lost their mom because I was so preoccupied with their sister. I’d drop everything whenever she needed me.

No more.

I’ve finally gone NC and am committed to healing and getting stronger for my family and myself. Reading your stories makes me realize even more that I’m doing the right thing.

I just wanted to say hello and thank you all for creating a space where parents like us can come to share and help one another. And I’m so sorry you’re suffering, too.

Hi JsMom
I know that anxiety reaction to a call or text very well! It's a terrible state to be in. Mobile phones have great advantages - but some very real disadvantages because people expect instant responses.

I wonder if you have tried not opening a text or picking up the phone straight away? I discovered - I think it was by accident but not sure many years ago now - that if I misses a call, by the time I called back DD had solved the problem? Remember BPD is intense emotional dysregulation - so there is a problem, panic, panic etc - and it takes a while for this to subside and the rational brain kick into action.

Perhaps your ds doesn't regulate until he contacts you?

But if you haven't tried it, it is worth having a go. I developed a few rules for myself:
- if the phone rings and it's DD, don't pick up straight away
- I don't return a call unless DD has left a message
- if DD hasn't left a message I wait till she calls again

At first it was very hard and my anxiety would get worse, but eventually I found it very helpful. I also believe it helped DD to find her own solutions.

Just a thought . . .

Hi Everyone,
It is so sad to hear that so many others are experiencing living in similar situations.
I have come to understand not to engage with my daughter when she is talking about her perceived abusive past experiences. It just causes a bigger reaction. I don't validate her ideas, but I don't stop her expressing them.
I am 72, have had a major health issue in 2025 and find that renting near where I teach, and teaching itself, are becoming too much.
Financially, my divorce was not positive. And over the years, I have been helping both my BPD daughter and my daughter living overseas.
Living with my BPD daughter stops her feeling lonely - she says. As I said in my last post, she does have her ex-partner nearby and her younger son, who drops in a lot.
It also helps both of us to manage financially - except when money is short and she has no cigarettes!!!!!!!.
It is possible to live with my daughter overseas. However, I worry that my BPD daughter would be alone and not manage. She lives in a constant state of squalor when she is on her own - yes, her mind is focused only on what she is thinking and she does not see the world around her.
I will continue to try to encourage her to access services she can get through Centrelink.
What gets to me is that she accepts a pension payment and housing, but does nothing to look after the house. Perhaps by my coming to help, she thinks she doesn't need outside help, or, perhaps she is guilt tripping me for getting her into such a situation in the first place. She is incapable of seeing the part she played in her own life experiences - as you say, it is everyone else's fault.
Thankyou for your responses. It helps to know that there are people who understand.
I have been offered a terms work this year which means I will board at a friend's house during the week and be at my daughter's on weekends. This will help a bit.
I do get to visit my son's family twice a year. I can't talk to my daughter about the nice time I have because she resents their life. He and his wife have worked hard and can give there young daughter some fun times. My daughter-in-law has been through cancer when their daughter was about 9 months old, but thankfully she has been clear for 6 years now. All my BPD daughter can see is that they have what she wanted, but never worked towards - she cannot see that their happiness balances on a knife-edge. It breaks my heart that she can be so cruel about them.
I try to wake up each day and think positively.
Bottom line for all of us is that we love our child and will try to do whatever we can to help them.
Again, thankyou for your thoughtful and also helpful responses.

Hi GaGirl,

No DBT plans, but open to suggestions. It's been a challenge to get her to schedule herself.

I thought she would make an exception for our last nights together. I mean, I naively thought that cuddling with her would not make her act crazy the next day. But I was wrong. No more lovely days.

But that's fine because everything I'm going through is about to end until Monday, when she leaves. Then I should finally feel the joy of having peace and control of my own life.

I don't have any reasons to think that our relationship will survive this. At this point, I don't feel motivated to even try. I'm not getting anything out of it, anyway.

I feel like I might have to ride my way while she figures out whether she will seek treatment or not. It seems like right now she is stuck in the husband-blame mentality.

Hi Mitt. Was there something in particular that happened/was said leading to your estrangement? Some additional information might be helpful to others in providing you with advice.

Hello,

My adult daughter has pretty much shown all of the BPD traits, which started in her late teens. At the time, I was in the military and dealing with my own struggles so I passed it off as typical teenage BS.

I’m now in my 60s, have remarried (15 years ago), live in a different state, and have been estranged from her and her son for four years.

Looking back now, it’s quite clear that she has BPD and that I had no clue therefore most interactions with her did not go well!

I want very much to have a relationship with my daughter and grandson so anything I can learn to move in that direction would be appreciated.

I've posted here a couple times, especially since 2024. My ex girlfriend I hadn't talked to initially reconnected with me after 4 years back in that October. At first she said she couldn't stop thinking about me, that she misses me stuff like that. I tried multiple times to see her, asked her if she wanted to get drinks or just see each other again because I missed her badly as well. She would agree, but then disappear for days/weeks or months. She always seemed to have a new boyfriend each time she messaged me. She has been dealing with a drug addiction and multiple arrests. The men she was with at the time had even messaged me on her phone and PLEASE READ-talked me. Last summer she moved away and I finally felt like it was over. It strangely brought me a type of peace. Again though, she messaged me last September, saying she moved back. She disappeared again after sending me a photo of us years ago. Last week she messaged me again saying she just got out of jail. She changed her status to engaged with a man who is 15 years older than us, we're both in our early 20s, well I guess i'm mid 20s at 24. Nonetheless, she has him in her profile picture. Apparently they got arrested together. I don't understand why she would message me with her new boyfriend as her profile picture, but I answered last Thursday. She just messaged me again 15 minutes ago. I've let this go on for over a year now, I've been genuine and tried to reconnect and have an actual conversation with her many times. I really do miss her. I also know I have to put myself first, out of respect for myself I don't think I can be with a girl who plays games with me and has been with 5+ men since she started talking to me. It hurts. I really did love her and I feel like by not answering I am finally ending this chapter. I know I shouldn't but I wonder how she will react, I won't lie part of me hopes it makes her want to talk to me more as I usually always answer. I think it's time I stop though, she keeps popping in and out of my life every few months but there is no substance to us. Can you guys please help me find the strength to do this? Anyone have any personal anecdotes from a similar situation. Part of why it's so hard is because I am pretty lonely. I've struggled with drinking throughout my early 20s and I don't really have friends anymore as a result. The ones I do have won't care for hearing this. I like I'm on an island here. When we dated I really thought she and I would be forever, I even tattooed her name like an idiot. It's just hard.

As I saw this video, I could not stop thinking that when trying to make my relationship work, I'm attempting the perfect shot, just like John Rahm did:

The best golf shot ever?

We struggle to make things work when our partner's brain is wired to make things break. They just want to put themselves in an emergency situation so that they can stimulate their EOS (endogenous opioid system), but they never figure out that this is what they are doing. It feels like trying to push someone to go north while they just want to go south.

Do you feel the same?