Just wanting a place to fully 'breathe'. Things are much better, keeping my door open again. Doing my thing. Just her presence causes 'anxiety' or whatever it may be. Been looking to transfer to another related federal facility for a while. Was told the facility down the road may be having some Program Manager positions opening up, would be a lateral, but I could truly start over.

Hi Trinket,

Its sounds like it is time to go and live your life and not be treated like a doormat anymore. This isnt the treatment any of us deserve. I know as a GM myself, we often stick around in these toxic r/s with our pwbpd children hold on longer than we should because we are worried about the care of our gc when we are not around our gcs, but the truth is that we are allowing ourselves to continue to be victims of abuse and beaten down while your dd's go from strength to strength.

Please dont feel guilty in trying to save your sanity. You are allowed to at this stage in life to put yourself first and live with the peace that goes along with it.

If you are in fear of being attacked and it would make the move any smoother I would ask  a personal friend or a family member to oversee what happens on the day.

Hopefully you wont need to involve the police but that to is also an option.

I wish you well on your move and peace for the future  

Hello.  Have any of you ever dealt with a situation in which an uBPD from your family of origin is in conflict with one of your grown children?  If so, how have you handled that?  Thank you.

Hi there,

As for your daughter, at 17 she probably has a big say in her living arrangements.  If you maintain residences that are geographically close to each other after separation, it's conceivable that your daughter could go back and forth between residences at will.  I can tell you that in my family, when I married my husband and moved into a new house with him, his three near-adult adult children (in their late teens) immediately moved in with us, practically full-time, even though technically, his ex-wife had joint custody.  The irony was that my husband had to pay "child support" throughout the college years to his ex, even though the kids were living with us whenever they weren't in college (which happened to be a long time, as two of his daughters withdrew from college multiple times).  I'm just saying that kids that age can vote with their feet, pretty much no matter what custody arrangements are made.

I'd also say that probably no matter how disordered your wife is, your daughter most likely still wants to have a close relationship with her mom, and she probably doesn't want to hear anything negative about her from you, either.  I think it's important that exes don't disparage one another, for the benefit of the child.

My guess is that if your wife is really disordered, your daughter will probably want to spend a lot of time with you.  It might be a relief for her, to have a quiter, non-chaotic home without so many arguments and the passive-aggressive, negative vibe.

It would be another issue altogether if your wife moved to another country, making visitation much more complicated for your daughter.

Really appreciate you all. This is a 'diary' of sorts for me. I didn't spiral. I told my bosses I'm not looking to escalate this, talk bad on anyone, revive this situation, simply looking to maintain the original agreement of no-contact. Should be quite easy, my immediate supervisor is the annoying one. The main one is great and on board. Quite simple to keep 2 people apart. Especially given the circumstances which thank God did not grow. Given what both sides said, regardless of her lies or exaggerations, it would make perfect business sense to remain separated entirely.

Hi resilientmama,

Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m really glad you found your way here, and I’m sorry for the long road that’s brought you in.

Reading your post, I can feel how much you’ve been carrying for a very long time. Thirteen years of chaos, fear, trying to help, trying to hold things together… that takes a toll. It makes sense that hearing the diagnosis brought up a mix of relief, grief, and everything in between.

There’s also something really important in what you shared. You’re starting to shift your focus back toward yourself. Wanting to rebuild your foundation, set healthier boundaries, and step out of that “saving” role is a big step. That doesn’t mean you love your daughter any less. If anything, it often means you’re trying to move into a healthier way of loving her and yourself.

What you described with the ups and downs in treatment, the moments of breakthrough followed by resistance, is something many parents here recognize. It can feel like hope and fear are constantly trading places.

You’re not alone in this. There are many parents here who have walked a similar path and are learning how to support their child while also reclaiming their own lives.

Since you mentioned wanting tools and support, one place many people start is learning about boundaries and stepping out of the cycle of over-responsibility. If you’d like, we can share some resources and approaches that have helped others here.

For now, I just want to say I’m really glad you reached out. You’ve been doing this on your own for a long time, and you don’t have to do that here.

Hi Trinket58,

Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m really glad you found your way here, and I’m sorry for what’s brought you in.

Reading your post, you sound overwhelmed and exhausted. Being attacked by both of your daughters at the same time, especially when it feels undeserved, can cut very deep. It makes sense that you’d be feeling hurt, angry, and vulnerable all at once.

Wanting to get out of that environment doesn’t sound selfish to me. It sounds like you’re recognizing how much this is affecting you and that you need some space to breathe. Sometimes distance isn’t about giving up, it’s about protecting yourself so you don’t get pulled further into the chaos.

I can also hear how hard it is with your grandkids being there. That kind of pull can make everything feel even more complicated, like you’re being torn in two directions.

You’re not alone in feeling this way. Many parents here have faced similar moments where they’ve had to choose between staying in something that hurts or stepping back to take care of themselves.

If it feels okay, what do you think you’ll need in those first few days after you move out to help you settle and feel a bit more grounded?

We’re here with you.

Hi Me88,

I’m really glad you came back and shared this. It sounds like you handled a tough situation really well.

Reading this, what stands out to me is how clear you are on your boundaries. You’re not reacting, you’re looking at what actually happened, the risks involved, and what that could mean for you. That’s grounded.

It also sounds like you were heard this time. Both your service chief and your boss responded in a way that supports you. That matters.

Given everything you described, it makes complete sense that you wouldn’t want to be alone with her. That’s not about weakness or fear, that’s about protecting yourself in a situation where things could escalate quickly.

And I hear you on not wanting to open any doors again. You’ve moved forward, you’ve kept your distance, and you’re being intentional about keeping it that way.

At the same time, I can understand how frustrating it is that this keeps coming back around just when things felt calmer. That kind of “it never really ends” feeling can wear you down.

For now, it sounds like you’ve got support and a plan in place that keeps things separate. That’s a good place to be.

And if anything shifts, you don’t have to carry it on your own. We’re here with you.

Indeed, having seen some close family members deal with protracted, contentious divorces, it seems to me the fake "concern" serves three purposes in my mind:  to perpetuate the narrative of your purported abusive behavior, to engage in arguments with you (high-conflict individuals seek escalation, not resolution), and to create a paper trail of potential evidence to use against you.

I think the general advice here is to document, document, document, as well as to adopt the BIFF formula for communications:  keep things brief, informative, friendly and firm.  Brief, as in dealing with necessary logistical matters, not extraneous issues.  Informative, as in factual.  Friendly, as in respectful and business-like, not emotional.  And firm, to avoid openings for further discussion.

In the case of utterly false and potentially damaging accusations, you might consult a lawyer about how to respond.  Yet if child custody were to come into question as might have been the scenario above, when an ex is truly argumentative and accusatory, I might consider saving receipts for groceries as evidence of providing my child proper nutrition.  Maybe dated photos of school lunches could be used as a record, for example.  Document, document, document, especially any area that is potentially contentious.  In your case, it sounds like finances are contentious.

Good luck.

Maybe I can add some perspective on this from the standpoint of a daughter. At 17, I didn't understand the whole of what was going on with my BPD mother until much later but I knew something was different and that her behavior, at times, was not appropriate.  A focus of the family was "normalizing" her. It was important to her to appear as if she was a good and loving mother but her behavior was obviously different from other mothers. My father also would tell me "she really loves you"- I think perhaps he thought it would make me feel better, but she was also at times, emotionally and verbally abusive. This was very confusing - "love" and verbal/emotional abuse at the same time. In actuality, love to BPD mother was more about her emotional needs. You know yourself that when you told your daughter that her mother loved her, it wasn't entirely authentic. While I don't suggest you say derogatory things to her about her mother, I think honesty, validating your daughter's perspective, would be more valuable to your D.

From the physical standpoint, I could be left alone with her at 17, and we kids were home alone with her at times then. I was not physically abused, and we kids had what we needed. I could do household tasks- cooking, laundry. I was very self sufficient in these ways. But home alone with BPD mother was not emotionally safe. She tended to pull it together when others were around but alone, where nobody else could see, was not emotionally safe. You know that your wife's BPD affects other relationships besides yours and BPD does affect all relationships, including that with your children.

It may appear that your D can fend for herself. Children in this situation tend to be "parentified"- mature for their years. That can be good in some ways but emotionally - what they need is to feel emotionally safe. From my perspective, your D needs her father to protect her emotional safety and to not leave her to fend for herself- whatever you decide to do with your marriage.

I would not wait or expect your wife to go along with any plan according to your D's therapist. Your wife may say your D needs her- because, it's a horrible thought to a mother to think their children don't need her. However, to have her D with her may be more about her own needs than your D's. You will have to decide what is in your D's best interest, and also ask your D as well. At 17, she has a voice in this too.