Hi community - just writing here to sort of journal about what's going on, for my own sake.

I asked for space from my wife, and we've been able to set that up. I'm alone for three weeks and hopefully in that time, no emotional upsets will come hurtling my way. In the stillness, I've been feeling immense guilt and grief, almost to an unbearable degree. I know this period of distance hurts her, and I know there's a strong possibility that I won't come back from it - I'm sure she can sense that. I still don't really know how to see my situation clearly enough to really evaluate whether to stay or go, but I do know that my mind and body felt at their limits.

This week I've been thinking about how intimacy between us - both emotional and sexual - eroded. I always shook off the explanation that the lack of emotional safety could've contributed. Now that I'm allowing the idea of this lack of emotional safety to come through, I don't know how I could ever rebuild it, or if I even want to, given that I'm also to expect/accept that her condition might always result in out-of-the-blue emotional turmoil. I feel so guilty for simply not wanting to do the relationship, and I feel so much grief around losing this vital partnership.

Hi again,

So if you allow me to do a little more mind reading, what I see is that your husband is trying.  He's going to therapy, and when he's in a good mood, he's helpful.  But he still struggles, because it's hard to change his natural emotional and learned behavioral responses, and deep down he continues to feel incredibly insecure.  I think he knows perfectly well that you turned on the home alarm because you thought you'd be alone for the night.  But his natural impulse is to lash out, to yell at you, because he was ANNOYED and highly reactive to feeling the slightest stress or inconvenience, such as setting off a loud alarm.  Instead of taking it in stride, and maybe helping you by shutting it off and easing the kids back to sleep, he goes straight into accusation mode ("You intentionally try to keep me out"), putting you on the defensive.  Furthermore, he's thought about you having an affair often because he's insecure, and in so doing he's worn a rut in his brain, making this negative thought pop up whenever he sees you exercise a life that is the slightest bit independent of him.  He lashes out to release the negative feelings and to try to reel you into the emotional drama.  He bosses you around in a vain attempt to reclaim control.  He makes untrue accusations all the time, right where it hurts most (You're keeping the kids from me!  You're seeing another man!).  He can act like a bully to get you do things that he wants and you don't.  Right?  I'm saying this because my husband acts the exact same way sometimes--I wouldn't say he has BPD, but he shows some of the traits from time to time when he's under stress and feeling insecure.  His adult daughter who has been diagnosed with BPD shows these behaviors (albeit in the female, more passive-aggressive manifestation) all the time.  She too has gotten treatment and has shown some progress in moderating her emotional outbursts and blaming tendencies, but nevertheless they're still there, and her life and relationships, though better than they used to be, are suboptimal because of her emotional reactivity, taking everything like a personal affront.

It sounds to me that your husband relies on moving back and forth between houses, perhaps as a distraction from getting his work done.  I'm saying that because my adult BPD stepdaughter does that all the time--driving back and forth, changing up living situations, bouncing from couch to couch, this constant movement which feels like procrastination and a distraction, anything to avoid getting actual work done!  Then she'll work one day, and she'll need two or three days to recover.  When she has her own space, she feels comfortable, and yet, it allows her to retreat and be too comfortable, as well as lonely.  I suspect she spends inordinate time procrastinating (with TV and social media), anything to avoid "real life" and facing responsibilities.  When she's in her own space, far away from prying eyes, she can get away with procrastinating even more, until she falls inextricably behind.  If allowed too much space, she eventually self-destructs. . . .

I think you're trying really hard to create an environment to accommodate your husband's ongoing challenges.  You're stepping up to take care of bills to avoid arguments.  You've created a separate space where he can self-regulate.  I love the idea of regular work outs to manage his "energy."  I love the idea of a job that has a schedule and some predictibility to it.  I love the idea of your husband going into the workplace to foster some workplace interactions--anything to enforce a routine and take some of the focus away from you, as well as an opportunity for him to forge other relationships and accomplishments that would build up his identity and self-esteem.  It does sound like he has potential, if only he'd learn to embrace the notion of a predictable schedule, and if only he'd use his emotional regulation skills more consistently.  It seems to me like he knows it, but he just can't seem to follow through consistently.  He's too easily "derailed" by his emotional reactivity and moodiness.  His daily choices aren't yet where they need to be.

I'm not sure what to advise.  On the one hand, I think I'd encourage and praise him abundantly any time he follows through with healthy habits ("It looks like you had a decent workout, your committment to the treadmill in the mornings is really impressive/I'm glad you were able to work all day uninterrupted at home, it must feel great to get so much work done/It's so nice to wake up and see a smiling husband first thing in the morning/Thanks for taking out the trash, I appreciate having such a helpful husband/I'm proud of you for committing for therapy, my guess is that it must be hard, but I see you're really trying.")  It's not very difficult for me to make these sorts of comments, because they're true!  And I think that by being reassuring, it can help husbands to see that following through on seemingly mundane things is actually conducive to a happy life. 

Yet it may be that no matter how hard he tries, your husband might never learn to control his impulsive outbursts and learn to "do things he doesn't necessarily want to do" for long-term benefits.  But it does sound like he's reasonable when he's in a good mood.  Maybe you could try to talk with him when he's in one of his good moods and ask that he take some topics off the table.  You might say, Darling, I love you and choose to be with you every day.  It's very distressing for me when you accuse me of seeing other men (or threaten divorce), when you know perfectly well that I've been nothing but committed to you and our kids.  I feel hurt and insulted when you say that, and I don't like feeling that way.  I don't like having to defend myself of false accusations, and I don't want the kids to hear you say that about their mom.  It's not fair to me or to them, we don't deserve that.  Saying I'm having an affair doesn't solve any of our issues, it only creates ill feelings.  From now on, if you accuse me of an affair, I'm not going to discuss it any further.  If you say it in front of the kids, I'm going to insist that you leave (the house/room).

Anyway, when it comes to BPD, I tend to think that the direction of movement is more important than the speed of change.  Do you feel like your husband is "on track" more than "off track"?  Is he generally headed in the right direction?  Look, he's going to go off the rails sometimes, because that's the nature of BPD.  The question I have for you is, is he getting back "on track" pretty fast?  If he is, then I think you have some reason for hope, and that the therapy is working.

It's funny to get upset over that.  The overwhelming sense of entitlement they must have to throw a multi-day tantrum because their spouse deigned to talk to them calmly about something all couples have to manage and resolve is really something.

I felt like they believed they had the sole right to make demands in the relationship and have a need to talk about something, so when the non-disordered partner showed any sign of also having needs and wants, it was like you're violating their turf, and they were going to make you so miserable for doing that, you'd never want to talk again, just listen.

Good luck.

At this juncture the only advice I have is:

- you're going to spend a lot more than $5000.  Unless by some miracle your STBXW concedes everything, in which case you probably won't be spending more than $20-$25K, this is going to run you closer to $50K or more.  And that's not counting the guardianship issue.

- Stay on top of your attorney, without being annoying about it.  And if she's not responding reasonably promptly, consider changing attorneys.  And if she needs something from you, make sure you respond promptly as well.  Don't sit on things, and if something happens that seems significant or could impact your case, let your attorney know ASAP and follow up if they don't acknowledge or respond.

In my case, I learned BPDxw had a new guy living in our house a couple months after I moved out and filed for divorce, in violation of the morality clause she had insisted be put in our temporary orders!  I emailed my attorney to let him know and ask about it.  A couple months later, after we lost a motion, he made a big deal about how he should've known about this.  I found the email to him later and resent it, and he played dumb.  He was a bad attorney.  I should've changed counsel mid-divorce.  But I was complacent, didn't want to go through with that, and figured I would end up in court again sooner or later, which... is something you should really try to avoid, as I later learned the hard way.  Cook when the stove is hot.  It's a lot harder and more expensive to turn it on again, so to speak.  Live and learn. 

- Understand that at the amount you're paying, you'll likely need to be your own advocate at times & stay on top of issues.  To most family law attorneys, there's "WOW, I NEED TO KEEP THIS CLIENT HAPPY" money... e.g. they know they're going to bank well into six figures in legal fees if they keep the client happy, and then there's "ONCE THE RETAINER IS SPENT, THIS GUY IS GOING TO STRUGGLE TO KEEP UP" money.

Maybe you'll get lucky and find an attorney that is professional and diligent even for your case, but most likely you'll have to keep on them, because you're not a "whale".

I consider the question about stopping attacks as somewhat impractical since overreactions and acting out will occur, often inconsistently and unexpectedly.  It's the nature of the disorder.  It's like the amusement park game whac-a-mole where every hit only results in another popping up elsewhere.

Yes, therapy is the key to a Borderline's possibly reaching a level of recovery.  Yes, our boundaries may limit the poor behavior.  Yes, our bettered communication skills and practical tools can reduce the risk of us stumbling into friction and incidents.  But the other person is an adult and free to live his/her life his/her way.  We can't fix them, knowing that this is a dysfunction seriously worsened simply by being in the close relationship.

Perhaps we can shift to more practical matters, looking at the "us" factor.  What can self examination do for us?

I noticed that you joined us years ago and never posted until recently.  Most arrive here quite distressed rather than ambivalent.  I know I sure did.  Those were dark days indeed for me.  So... what are your needs?  Also, you have children from three failed or failing relationships.  Are their needs discerned and handled to optimize having balance in their futures?  While the littlest ones may be too young for even play therapy, do the older ones have access to counseling to enable them to have objectivity and normalcy in their daily lives?

Tagging on here....new here...gosh, I am sorry you are going through this, welcome to a "crappy club"...CC43....you are ON it....I GASPED out loud at the "terrible parent" part (I know we have crossed comments before & I still cannot grasp my pwBPD (now 25 y/o daughter) accusing me of this specifically, she just said, I was "absent" and I know that was NOT the case)...anyway....I adore this group and am grateful for the advice....on that note, it has been very heavy on my mind, this will go on FOUR solid years I have not SEEN my daughter and now she does not even RETURN texts; I HAVE learned to accept JOY (it has taken years, because I feel guilty)....best of luck manuevering "this", new here and ALL

As for his work, I completely agree that he needs a 9 to 5 job that he has to go into the office, etc. But…he refuses to do that. He lost his job about a year and a half ago, part of the reason why, on top of his attitude and confrontation with coworkers, is because he refused to work in the office, he even had a really nice office while most of the workers had cubes!  Also, he would go to the gym for hours, putting off meetings or taking them from the treadmill! I was hoping that he would get a job like we mentioned when he got another job, but instead he got a job where it was 75% remote and then he was supposed to go into the office the rest of the time, but he never goes in!  The amount of work he does depends on his mood. He is very smart and could be highly successful if he worked like he can all the time, but we all know that won’t happen!  My goal is to get him to use our house as our living space and the condo as his work space and “time out” space and to get him to work regular hours, not a couple hours here a couple hours there then work straight for a full day because he is so behind! 

Thank you CC! Your post was incredibly helpful and I believe, spot on!  I work part time at a hospital where I have worked for over 15 years. I used to work full time but went to part time when my 3rd child was about 2. I have slowly picked up PRN positions, as I can’t afford our lives on a part time job and every effort that I made to pick up extra days he would sabatoge but then tell me I need to pay for everything!  Long story short I called the police on him about a year ago. When I saw what was coming at him legally, I hired my own lawyer to help him get the least punishment. Part of what he got was mandatory DV therapy, mandatory mental health evaluation and treatment for that. In the beginning, I saw huge strides and could see that he was putting in a lot of work and he would talk a little about it. As time has progressed, his tone eases after he goes to DV therapy, but there are times that I’m not sure he is following through with his DBT therapy. We own rental property, and we agreed that it would be best if he lived in one of those while the kids and I stayed at the house until he is off probation and we can communicate better. His communication and actions change like the wind. So I ask him weekly, by text so I have something to refer back to if I question something, if he is planning on the same as last week. Every other week has been yes. This week was no, he only was there to be with the kids through a 2 week transition period (there was a fire at our kids school so they had to switch to different schools), that he would not be my “errand boy” (referring to taking the kids to school and to/from one sports practice) and when will the kids be sleeping at his place. Well last week “his place” was “our condo”! Lol! So I set up coverage for the week and told him that. He then text me and asked nicely when he could please see the kids, I think it was after his DV therapy session that this was sent. I told him that he was welcome to come over any time to see them and it would be great if he could follow our previous schedule, but I understood that that no longer worked for him. He said that he can take the kids to school but not home. I assumed that meant for the day in question. He comes to the house, is in a great mood. The next day I leave for work and he then refuses to speak to me. I hear nothing from him all day yesterday, so I set up coverage for my kids for today as I have to work. The night comes, I set our alarm the kids and I are in bed about to fall asleep and the alarm goes off. The kids start screaming, I turn the alarm off and my husband slowly makes his way upstairs to confront me as to why I put the alarm on. I tell him that I didn’t know he was coming over and then roll over to go to sleep, I’m not about to get into it. The morning arrives I have to get up at 4 am for work. When I get out of the shower my husband is already up, maybe 4:15 another sign that he is in a mood. I go say good morning, he surprisingly responded “you too” I finish getting ready, then figure I need to remind him that I already have plans set up to get our kids to school, he can take our son, but I a paying someone to take our daughter. So I apologize for the misunderstanding last night and remind him of the plans, to which he starts in with no he is taking her, blah blah blah. I said if I cancel, we still have to pay and o need him to help me pay for this stuff as it’s not just my responsibility. He starts in on I would pay of the kids were at my house, you won’t let me see my kids, etc. I said we have had this conversation before, but I would be happy to have this conversation again in a therapy session together, to which he freaks and says why would I go to therapy with someone who is sleeping with all sorts of guys behind my back, blah blah blah. I responded, that that is not true and I am not continuing this conversation, and that was sorry that he was in the mood he was in,  then I walked away. About 3 minutes later he came out to the area of the house where I was, put the tv on and looked like he was going to do his exercises. Our daughter struggles with getting ready in the morning because she can’t figure out what to wear, she usually goes through at least 5 outfits. She had picked her outfit out the night before since she was going to the babysitters. So I nicely told him that her clothes for the day were in this bag and showed him, he responded back almost yelling “what do you want” I stated it again nicely, to which he said oh. Then I left for work. I know all of this is about control because he feels out of control himself, but ugh, I am so over the affair accusations and the you don’t let me see my kids accusations!

Pook, so much of what you write is relatable. I think both our relationships with our bpd ex were around 27 years. This I suppose is less common than normal, the fact we managed to maintain such long relationships with them. I’m very laid back and not one for picking arguments or picking holes in people, I don’t know if you are the same, but that may be why my relationship *appeared* to work for so long.

SuperDaddy, I think what you confuse Pook, and maybe myself also, with is the fact we were with the person for so long, because we have children with them, it is absolutely ok to love that person. But I feel you are confusing loving the person with being in love with the person.

From what you have written, it seems you have gone from relationship to relationship with mentally unstable women. I can echo what Pook has said, as I am now in a relationship with someone that doesn’t display any personality disorder traits. I too keep my contact with my ex to a minimum, but I am also encouraged to have some contact with her by my current partner as there is no fear of abandonment or jealousy issues with her that was present with the pwBPD in my life. More so now as our eldest son is going to be a parent himself in a few months, which will mean my ex and I will be co grandparents.

I think where Pook and I differ is that I will not tolerate my ex’s poor behaviour any more and I will call her out on it. I mentioned in my own thread the other day about an incident with my S22 (that lives with me) taking drugs and being completely out of it and asking me for help because he didn’t know what was happening. I told my ex about it the other day when I saw her, and she said she could understand him doing it with his mates but not alone in his bedroom, I responded with I don’t want him doing it any time. That was enough for her to say oh I suppose it’s all my fault and walk out slamming the door. Then through text accusing me of getting sh*tty with her and getting the daggers out. All I wanted was an adult conversation about our sons mental health, all she wanted to do was play the victim, so I called her out on the fact that she was turning a serious situation with our son into being about her. That annoys me, it just highlights the fact she hasn’t grown or changed in any way shape or form, but it also worries me because she hasn’t grown or changed in any shape or form.

Just popping in for an update. Have the current blowout and updates on tj legal front.

I mean the BS continues. I think one of my last posts I talked about how we went to Mexico for New Year’s and she had a couple bad blowouts on the vacation. Not uncommon, she seems to enjoy ruining special occasions. However, after that, things have been relatively calm for a few weeks. I was on the fence whether to bother having a conversation with my wife about cutting back some expenses. I just changed my tax withholding and because of that my take-home pay is being reduced quite a bit. So there were a couple minor personal expenses I told her she would need to cover moving forward, and also that I would be essentially cutting in half the amount that I spent on eating out every month.

At first, I was kind of hesitant to even have that conversation because I am essentially planning to file for a divorce in the next couple of months or so. So I kind of figured why not just suck it up and not create an issue. But it was interesting because I was starting to have that confused mindset of this feeling like everything is calm and maybe she’s doing better… And after all these damn years, I don’t know how I still think that’s even possible. Trauma bonding is a bitch. Ultimately I had that conversation. As usual I was calmly sitting down and just letting her know for a couple things on my end of finances that needed to change. That was Sunday. The circular conversations and anger started. It’s been a couple hours every day, this revolving door of what’s bothering her. And it’s really funny too because it’s always much easier for me to see the pattern afterwards. She started to make claims that she wasn’t even upset about the money, she was upset that I had the conversation when she told me she didn’t want to talk about money for a couple of weeks so she could see what her new pay was going to be like (she picked up a few hours at one of her jobs) so she did ask me to not have that conversation and she wanted to wait, but for me it wasn’t about setting up a budget together. This was simply about telling her what I could afford on my own. And I told her she really didn’t need to make any big changes at the moment but I needed to tell her since my take-home pay is reduced now. But it was really funny and ironic because she tried to make a huge deal about how she wanted to pause the conversation and I wouldn’t respect that. I almost wanna laugh if not cry about that. Coming from the woman who will never take a break. Who believes that I am there to exist as her emotional sponge and suck up whatever she wants to expel. Telling me that I’m not doing anything to help this marriage because I am refusing to go back to marriage therapy. And if we don’t work out then she’s going to tell everybody how she wanted to go to marriage therapy but I wouldn’t go. (As a quick recap, our previous two Couples Therapist stopped therapy together, stating my wife needed her own therapy to deal with her emotional regulation and anger, which he has not done.) I mean, I don’t really care, I told her I will not go to couples therapy until I feel safe and that we can manage conflict a lot more health fully. And I said the fact that she’s in a multi day blowout after that simple conversation tells me very clearly. We’re nowhere near ready for a couples therapy.

She talked a lot about divorce, maybe she needed to get an apartment and separate. She asked if I would help her look for an apartment if that’s what she wanted to do, I said if that’s really what she chooses to do of course I’ll help her. Of course she was mad about that because I wasn’t chasing her or begging her to stay… I slept in the spare room a couple of nights, she was very upset that I didn’t come in check on her in the middle of the night or try to come back to bed. Again expecting me to chase. Then she was also upset yesterday because I thought she was kind of calming down to baseline and we had texted a little bit back-and-forth while we were working, but she said that she was expecting me to make a grand gesture, such as offering to take her out first thing in the morning. And it’s so wild because she had texted me a couple things and then I called her in the afternoon and actually she said why don’t we go out and grab an appetizer tonight or something and just try to have a chill night. But of course that wasn’t good enough because I’m not chasing after her, I’m not begging. I’m not pleading. I’m not acting sad and for Lauren. She expects me to be matching her emotions and be upset about this as her. It’s very upsetting to her that I’m just letting her do her own thing, I’m very comfortable to sleep in the spare room . It’s really something to watch her scream at me and look at me with those BPD eyes of just contempt. Yelling at me one second and then telling me that she doesn’t feel my love and I need to do things to make her feel loved.

Who knows where it’ll be today. I’ve had thoughts back-and-forth if I should’ve just avoided that conversation but in the end, I think I’m glad. You know every time something happens. It’s just 100% validation that I don’t wanna be married to her. And to be honest, sometimes I don’t think she really wants to be married to me either. There’s a piece of me that kind of hopes she’ll be relieved at the end of the day. I mean, likely not but…

Onto some more substantial updates. I had a couple really big meetings this week. I had a consultation with the divorced lawyer, also had a consultation with a guardianship attorney regarding my adult disabled son.

This was at least the third divorced lawyer I talked to and I liked her the best. She is a little more expensive than when I talked to last year. However, the one I talked to last year, had absolutely no concept of high conflict personalities and didn’t really even understand. There might be a problem with us cohabitating, pulse accusations at all that. The one I met with this week seemed very well informed, shared a lot of examples of divorces with men whose wives made false accusations, or were exhibiting high conflict behavior. And I think we definitely agree on their approach, definitely going to go for the easiest approach to start with and really avoid escalating if it all possible. She was very generous with her time as well. I had to pay for the 30 minute consult, but we spent well over an hour on the phone and she was not rushing to get me off or anything.

So I’ve talked to some family members and trying to cobble together the $5000 retainer to get things started.  I’ll be able to borrow some from family, but we’ll either be using a credit card or getting some money liquidated out of an IRA in case I need to have funds ready and available quickly. I guess does that mean I can call my wife, my STBX? I do feel a little guilty, the last few days when my wife was seemingly calm she even brought up the prospect of divorce and separation seriously. And it seems very confusing moments where you’re kind of like is she for real or is this a game or can I trust that she’s going to stay calm if I actually agree with her that maybe it’s time to start talking about divorce? She basically said neither of us have been very happy for the last eight years, which is very true. She said maybe it’s time we really think about making a change so we can enjoy the rest of our lives. And if it wasn’t for the hundreds of hundreds of times that she’s exploded it felt like that would’ve been a good time to have that conversation with her. But reading Bill Ed’s book and reading some of the other material it’s pretty pretty clear that I cannot take that chance. So I do feel like I’m being deceptive at the moment. Just being affectionate and calm and kind and loving and taking her out but meanwhile in the background, I’m basically planning documents and preparing to file for divorce.

I feel like I’m reaching the point of no return very soon. I’m about to shell out a substantial amount of money for this. We have some family events where some out of state family is coming in about five weeks to visit. Ideally for me I wanna wait until after that. So right now I’m thinking mid to end of March. But I think it’ll be comforting getting everything ready as soon as possible then just being prepared and having someone available in the event I do have to call the police and DV charges or a TRO becomes necessary. And also someone that can help me if there’s false accusations made against me. So I got 6 to 8 weeks too figure everything out.

I have my two adult kids who live with us. I think I might be able to get one out of the house for the week. I’m gonna talk to my wife about it. I don’t know yet what I’m gonna do with my son. Ideally it would be best if he was away somewhere as well.

I’ve installed a couple more internal security cameras. I’m making a checklist of all the important items around the house that I want to make sure I box up and move out into storage, including important documents, passports, and what not. I’m gonna be installing a deadbolt on the spare room door. I don’t know exactly how I’m gonna time it, but I’m gonna have to pick a day when she’s out of the house at work, I can literally get everything staged, pack, and move the things out of the house that I want to be sure are safe and install that deadbolt and get some of the security cameras up all before she gets home.

It’s exciting, but it’s terrifying. I was actually fantasizing this week in between all the anxiety about all this stuff, fantasizing about what it will look like afterwards. To live in peace. I know I’m gonna be broke financially, but I’m still thinking about some sort of a trip I could take, either a solo trip by myself or take my kids somewhere. Just to finally have a vacation in bloody peace.

Of course there’s the guardianship matter as well. I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do if she creates a stink about that. It’s really a separate matter entirely. And could be even more costly than the divorce if I had to essentially litigate, removing her as coguardian. Gonna start with the simplest options first which is simply try to see if we can work out a deal then we technically don’t have to change anything on the guardianship papers. Ideally, our son would live with me and go stay with her whenever they want and we would just kind of leave it open. But I’d be ultimately responsible for his care, finances and all that. I mean, if it comes down to it, I’d offer her a little more alimony to keep that arrangement. .But if she does act out and I end up having to call the police or file DV charges or get a temporary restraining order, I’m gonna let the guardianship lawyer know who will advise the court then we may have to go from there on other options.

Wish me luck, as always, advice and input are very welcome!

My BPD ex-wife isn't evil, she's mentally ill and she made some really bad choices that crushed me for a period of time.  I got back into church around that time and started reading my Bible, which led me towards the path of forgiveness.

What I realized was that by carrying around all that hurt, anger, sadness, etc, it didn't do a thing to my ex because she was off living her best life.  She could care less that she hurt me for quite some time.  But all that hurt stayed with me and in a way, consumed my daily life.  I had to actually let it go in order to heal myself.

I think my ex's plan was to be ugly to me, I'd be ugly back, and we'd quickly learn to hate each other.  But when she became ugly and I showed compassion, she had no idea what to do with it.  She was telling everyone that I was mentally abusive but it was plainly obvious to everyone that the opposite was true, that I was keeping my cool and trying to help her despite what she was doing.

There was a stretch for about a month that my anger/hatred got the best of me and I'd bad-mouth her to our kids.  Luckily I didn't hang onto that though because like I said, in many ways it's a pure cancer that eats you up from the inside out.  I didn't want to be that person and I didn't want to carry that around, so through prayer and patience I was able to let it all go.

For me, the biggest thing was that we had to be parents for the rest of our lives and I hated seeing other ex couples fight over everything with the kids in the middle.  So I told my ex over and over, for the kids sake we can't go down that path.  I would always love her and want the best for her because of the kids.  Eventually, my ex got there as well.

My current wife knows that I have to have some degree of relationship with my ex because of the kids and she encourages it.  Whenever something happens, my wife tells me to call my ex and talk it out.  It probably does bother her a little deep down but at the same time, she knows that my ex was terrible to me and I have no desire to ever be in that position again.

I talk to my ex maybe 3-6 times per year though, and it's always over the kids.  We definitely are not friends and we don't keep up with each other's life.  But when we do talk, we get along well and I'm thankful for it.

Currently I'm living overseas, but in the next 3-6 months I'll be moving back to the same area my ex and kids are in (I'm finishing the marriage visa process with my current wife to come there).  So we'll see if that changes things; there will be kids birthdays, holidays, etc.  We've briefly talked about doing those things together sometimes since we're both re-married, but I don't know how that will go or if I'd be okay with it.  We'll see.