Notwendy,
I wish it were possible that my neighbor would get nothing from me and move on. Unfortunately she is obsessed with having the whole property fixed and maintained the way she wants it. She has been hell to deal with for the President of the HOA, no matter who is holding the office. She will leave me alone for a while then comes after me for something.

Recently she had a meltdown in my presence about not getting her way about how the property is maintained. Right after I blew her off as quickly as possible, she immediately called someone and said she was being abused. She is just not a safe person to have as a neighbor.

It does work to give her less attention, though there is no safety as to when she will be on the attack again with her abusive demands and behaviors.

 

TelHill,
Yes, it is about changing how we portray ourselves to others and how we genuinely feel inside to stop attracting people who are like our disordered family members who just want to use us. Being aware of the red flags are important, yet being comfortable in our own skin while comfortable setting boundaries can limit how much we are involved with disordered people. I am working on being too friendly and not fawning over others.

I keep reminding myself it does not work to confront my disordered neighbor, yet there are times when I just have to say no to what she is doing.

I think NC and ignoring the neighbor is a good plan. I think a response or reaction to their behavior may be, in a way, a reinforcement to them- they know they can "get to you". It's also possible that this, to them, is an interaction, if they can't interact in normal ways. No response isn't a reinforcement to them. They may then move on to someone else who does respond to them.

Also protect yourself and your boundaries. If someone does something physical to your property without your permission that is a violation. It may be that a restraining order if needed. Still, less is best I think -when she gets nothing from her behavior with you, she may move on.

My BPD mother would do this too, and also tell stories of me as a small child as if what I did was intentional. I "threw up on her carpet on purpose", "woudn't share my cookie". These were stories I just accepted from her- until as an adult I realized that these are typical small child behaviors. If a child has a stomach ache, they throw up- not on purpose. Little children don't understand sharing. There's no other intentions there.

I don't think I had trust issues, or even a fear of abandonment as a teen our young adult, but I was fearful of being transparent - especially if they knew about my mother. I think I somehow felt  it was connected to me, and I was afraid they'd think that. So instead I was a people pleaser. I thought that this is what I had to do around people. I realized over time that I would be able to make connections with a few people, not a lot, and I did trust these people.

I also wonder if what I considered a friendship or relationship that mattered to me might have been more one sided. I did feel attached to my father- but even so, his focus was on my mother a lot. But when this is what a child experiences, it's the attachment you recognize as one.

I think what we experience as adults can enhance or help the childhood issues. I think for me, trust issues happened over time as relationships I had trust in were not as solid as I believed them to be. I admit now to being more wary and hesitant with people.

This is absolutely what is happening.  

Telhill - thank you and I'm sorry for your travails with your bpd family members.  It's rough.

I agree.  For me, I don't think we can "cut off" wired feelings personally.  I never stopped loving my mom (or the better person she could be at different times), and I think this is why the meanness and bad treatment hurt so much in the last 20 years after my dad died (she really couldn't cope after this "abandonment", and really tried to manipulate me to be her caretaker.)  Love hurts when the person you love, hurts you over and over again in a pattern, regardless of the relationship (parent, romantic, son/daughter).  For me, radical acceptance was fully accepting that she was who she was, and I was going to have to take it all, or leave it all.  I didn't want to leave it.  I wasn't comfortable going NC with my mother indefinitely (although I did need to take short term breaks).  While it's possible to amputate a limb, I don't think we can just cut feelings.  Even if a relationship is severed, there will be hurt/difficult feelings in the fallout.  

Another part of radical acceptance for me was acknowledging the role childhood trauma played in the development of disordered thinking and strategies in her close relationships. While it was an explanation for her behavior, it wasn't an excuse.  An excuse would "excuse" her for hurting me (and others in her wake), and I believe that as adults it is incumbent on us to take responsibility and be accountable for our own behavior.  I also think it's possible that radical acceptance can mean different things to different people since all our situations are a bit unique.  I think it's our journey to figure out what radical acceptance means for each of our situations.

It's good to hear from you again Telhill.  Like you, I was overwhelmed after mom went into assisted living, and I'm hoping I'm starting to catch my breath.  I'm having a Celebration of Life for mom next month, so in addition to the executor job, I'm working on that too.  It's a lot to process.

Thank you everyone for the conversation.

Am really sorry about your sister and you find yourself living at home again. Is it possible to work on a plan to move out? You may not be able to right now but you can take tours of apartment or house shares to keep yourself motivated. It really helps to not live in the same place as disordered family members for peace of mind.

I'm 62 but living most of the time with my elderly dad who needs help. (I have my own place.) My disordered brother is living here full time though he's not around much.

I suspect he has bpd. Our late mother was diagnosed with it. She was loud and abusive like your sister but my brother is a quiet bpd for the most part. He doesn't rage but they had/have the same lack of conscience, propensity to lie, steal, threaten and manipulate.

Can you limit the time you're at home? Stay out with friends? Hang out at the library? Work extra hours/get a second job? How does your mom feel about your fights? If you share a room with your sister can you sleep in the living room?

Thanks, notwendy. It helps to hear that from someone who understands.

It is a little uncomfortable to hear condolences. I know what you mean. The funeral felt uncomfortable for that reason. The person you saw and the one I experienced were quite different.

My late mom received a notice to serve on a jury last week. I emailed the county court to let them know she had died. I received an unexpected response - I'm very sorry for you loss. I immediately felt detached and uncomfortable.

Sorry I didn't respond before on this, Zachira. I'm sorry you've endured betrayals. There's a lot of pain that comes with this. Hugs to you. Having a BPD parent set me up to be victimized by others (my ex-husband, a relationship I had after my divorce, my quiet uBPD brother) and to blame myself for not seeing how they set me up to use me.

It's  helped to watch those YouTube videos about spotting 10 red flags of narcissists. I wish there was a workbook or fieldwork with a guide to get practice. I have avoided a few people who seemed sneaky but am afraid to pursue friendships. It's been extremely slow process for me.

Don't know if this will help but I changed my posture. I read an article that the disordered pick their victims by their gait. They can tell you may be amenable to control if you have poor posture or look afraid. I looked like I've been abused. looked at my security cam and compared to others on the sidewalk I looked unconfident and afraid. I practiced better posture and took up more room. I've noticed a few people who I thought were sneaky back off from me on their own. It was a relief.

I was too friendly and fawning before, acting like I really was: desperate for friendship because of loneliness. I paid attention to what I was saying so they wouldn't reject me.  I was eager to please. I went full speed ahead instead of taking my time to get to know someone naturally. 

I was listening to the other person to keep the conversation going but not paying attention to the nuances of their words and behavior. I dismissed intuition if something seemed off.

I don't know if this is true for you, Zachira. It wasn't a very healthy way. You seem more self-aware and together than I was.

It hasn't helped me to confront my disordered neighbor. She's aggressive and is willing to fight over non-issues. She's said abusive, hurtful things to me. Avoidance works best to keep my peace of mind. This is how my dBPD mom abused me. I don't want a repeat.  I'm prone to having my thoughts contaminated (great way to put it) and feeling trapped and hopeless. I do something fun or comforting and that works to let the neighbor issue take up less room in my head.

Methuen,
Yes, the neighbor's problems need to stay in her own head and on her side of the door. For this reason, I have decided to go mostly no contact with her like I did for a year at one time. It worked, then as I begin speaking to her again she slowly began abusing me again. I have given her many chances and eventually she goes back to being more and more abusive as time passes.

Your stories about how you handled your mother with the glass tree ornament and the one about the coworker that smeared you are helpful. Sometimes we have to find an assertive succinct way to stand up for ourselves. I have had a few successes in handling this neighbor. One is to call her out on her lies. The other is to just walk away when she makes unreasonable demands. Mostly I plan to ignore her behaviors until I have to address them. For the future, I plan not to allow myself to get contaminated by her negative emotions as much as I can however I will try to be more compassionate with myself if I do get triggered. Those of us who have been abused by our Family of Origin have to continually cope with triggers. I know I continue to get better with coping with the triggers over time and with experience.

I am sorry to hear this Zachira. I think it can be tricky "knowing who to trust".  If we trust the wrong person, and share more of ourselves and/or our vulnerabilities with that person, there is a potential that they can betray us.  They may or may not understand they have betrayed us.  I think my way of navigating this is sadly to trust very few people.  I trust my H.  I have one close friend (of 30+ years) I trust.  I have 1 cousin I trust (lives 800 miles away).  And I could trust my dad (deceased 21 years ago). These people I can count on to have my interests at heart. They know me well enough to understand me, not judge me, and still like me despite my flaws.  Beyond that, I don't really count on anyone, and learned early in life that people can't be trusted for all kinds of reasons.  People who are acquaintences I will chat and visit with about all kinds of topics, but I will rarely share anything private, such as info that has any potential of making me vulnerable at any time now or in the future. Even my 1 close friend calls me a "private" person.  I have other friends, and we have great conversations, but it is less personal - I chose to keep my vulnerabilities and private life private.  

I think growing up with my uBPD mom played a huge role in my trust issues.  I also think that being bullied through grade school played a role.  I recognized in mid adulthood that I had trust issues.  What I didn't recognize until more recently was where they could have come from.  Nobody would recognize from knowing me that I have trust issues unless I told them.  Let's just say that when it comes to personal conversations, I'm very good at being a reflective listener, and making it about them.  I rarely reveal personal info about myself, and keep it general.  A number of years ago I noticed that people I hardly knew were opening up to me about stuff I didn't really need to hear (eg. in the grocery store). I learned in my university days that a great way to make friends was to get people talking about themselves, which most people seem to like to do. LOL  I could pick and choose what to share about myself, but privacy was a learned self-preservation skill for me. The less I opened up about myself, the more I could trust people to not disappoint or betray me.

Since you are writing about a difficult neighbour, I can say I have encountered my share of triggering people in my life.  Some people here may remember that I came out of retirement and returned to work to find a "safe" boundary from my mom's demands. (She demanded my attention for her emotional caretaking and to do tasks daily for hours at a time, and if I couldn't do it as soon as she wanted, or when she wanted, or the way she wanted, I didn't love her).  So I went back to work, which was a "boundary" that made me unavailable to my mother.  That of course brought on a rage about what a selfish daughter I was.  One of my jobs that I went back to was a career job that I loved, but it was only 1 day a week, and I am retiring from that this July.  The other job was in a different sector that allowed me to use my skills and experience in a new way with a new audience.  I really enjoy this job and the clients I work with, but not so much the people I work with.  I have a small number of colleagues.  One of them (colleague #1) is dBPD and is open about seeing a psychiatrist once a week.  I give her credit.  I wish my mom had been able to do that.  Still, when this colleague has an emotional dysregulation in the office, it is distressing for me, whereas someone else might be able to brush it off easier.  My boss (colleague #2) also has emotional dysregulations.  That is the harder one and when she goes off the rails, everyone in the office feels it.  Even if it's not BPD, it feels too familiar with having had a mom with BPD.  Ironically, I went back to work (to a job I like) to escape my mom, but found myself in an office with people who have similar issues. And when I started the job, there was another colleague (colleague #3) who made me her scapegoat and what I underwent is called "harrassment" in the workplace. She slandered, and lied, and blamed, and accused, and called me names.  I was strong enough to know who I was, and just determined to do my job well and trust that eventually others would get to know me for who I am, and not this woman's lies.  Eventually she left the workplace, but my boss (colleage #2 also with emotional dysregulations) didn't have the skills to navigate the situation, and much of the time, wasn't even present. I finally lost my cool during my first performance review (when my boss accused me of some slander that colleague #3 had spread).  I am well known in my community with a solid reputation and wasted no words mincing what I thought about what she was saying and why.  After that she dropped it and seemed to respect me more. I let the results of my work show who I really am.  I agree with another responder here who said that sometimes with some people we just need to be assertive.  I would add blunt.  It's the only thing some people seem to understand.

While it's not at all the same with your neighbor, there are some similarities. The way it seems to me, we have unfortunately learned to recognize some dysfunctional people because of our early childhood experiences.  Now, later, as we have grown, and reflected, and learned new skills for coping with difficult people, it sometimes seems like they are all around us because we are so easily triggered by them based on our early life experiences. It was pretty unlucky for me to land in a workplace with so many difficult people when I went back to work to set a boundary to give me space from my mom.  You end up with a difficult neighbour living right beside you.  In fact I think there are difficult people everywhere for everyone.  They are in churches, on boards, in workplaces, CEO's, political leaders, neighbors, and in families.  Everyone seems to know one.  They just seem to be a fact of life.

People can be complicated.

It's almost unbelievable that your neighbour hired a contractor and "changed your door" because she didn't like it.  Does she own or manage the place? Did she have a right to do this?  Should she have given you notice? It sounds nutty.  How can someone do this?  I would be calling the police.  I think you actually showed incredible restraint.  I wouldn't beat yourself up about blowing up at her.  Goodness.  She obviously has issues.  I would hand her issues back to her by reminding her where her own door is and suggesting she could change that one instead.  Humour maybe?

My mom used to make fun of me every Christmas for biting into a glass Christmas tree decoration as a baby.  She would do this in front of family or company.  She loved telling the story and treated me as if I was so stupid I would bite into a glass ornament. I have no idea what she "got out of telling it" every year.  I was in my 50's before I finally replied by asking her in front of guests, why she hung a glass ornament on the bottom of a tree where a crawling baby (who puts everything in their mouth) can reach it.  She never once told the story again.  I didn't try to humiliate her.  I just asked the question out of curiousity in a calm voice.  After 40 years of being the dutiful daughter and listening to her tell that story, it ended with that simple question.  

Sometimes, we just have to find a way to bat the ball, or birdie, or issue, back at them, and let them sit with it.  

Not sure if that could work with this neighbor?  

Or adjust your schedule or routine so you don't run into her as much?  I did that once 10 years ago in a different workplace with a different boss.  She was just "too much" for me at the time, so I changed up where I parked and how and when I entered the workplace so I could avoid her.

Maybe none of these will work in your situation Zachira.  The truth is, I just feel bad for you having this person live so close to you, so I might be being too "solutions based".  These difficult people can be a "lot".  Don't let her rent too much space in your head.  She and her problems should stay on the inside of her own head, and on her own side of her own door.