Hi Millicent162
If you go to this site https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/

you will see you can email to see if there is an affiliate who runs the program in the UK. I am not sure why they limit to US, Canada and Australia when it can be attended online.

I suggest you use the email link fc@neabpd.org to see how to do the course in the UK.

Let's know how you get on.

It's hard for her to deny this now that there's a police/medical record.

What is the arrangment with the childrens father(s)? Would the father want full custody? Do you and your H?

If your daughter is in a mental health facility- she is getting the help she needs.
Although this is not a situation anyone would want- it may be what has gotten her to getting services that could help her.

The concern now is for the children. Understandably you want your D to get help but she's an adult and makes her own choices.

Whether she denies what happened or if she feels like a victim- the main concern is the children and what is the best situation for them.

Hi Reaper,

If your husband has BPD and resists treatment, it's likely his behaviors will follow a predictable pattern.  If you take a look at some posts, I bet a number of themes will resonate:

-Victim attitude; not taking responsibility for his own choices; blame-deflection and constant blaming of others
-Very short fuse; intolerance of stress; hair-trigger arguments; over-the-top emotional responses, especially rage and yelling, maybe violence
-Delusional thinking; possible paranoia; twisting of fact patterns or lying to fit a narrative of victimhood
-Inability to "get past the past;" dredging up past issues, no matter how many times you apologize or attempt to explain or contextualize
-Can't stand not being the center of attention; very jealous of you/your life/your very identity
-Fear of abandonment, no matter how much you reassure him
-Pattern of unstable relationships in his life:  estranged from family members, history of volatile romantic relationships, issues with bosses or co-workers, getting evicted or kicked out of rooming situations are possible scenarios
-Experiences life like he's traumatized all the time; fight-or-flight responses to ordinary situations; he mentions multiple situations where he believes he was abused
-Pervasive negativity (e.g. hating most everyone and everything practically all the time); feeling hopeless
-Weak sense of identity; low self-esteem
-Potential suicidal threats, gestures and attempts; they could seem both manipulative and very real, and you're not sure
-Lashing out at you; he has you walking on eggshells to avoid a meltdown, but no matter what you do, he has one anyway; behaviors that feel controlling and manipulative
-Constant accusations that are false or highly twisted/irrational (which are typically projections of his own negative feelings)
-Meltdowns at holidays, celebrations and/or funerals; he can't bear to see someone else be happy or steal attention away from him
-Emotional instability that disrupts important relationships in his life, and possibly impairs his ability to plan for the future and/or function day to day, for example keeping stable employment
-Potential co-existing conditions like self-medication with illicit substances, anxiety or depression
-Very impulsive behavior, such as walking out on a job on the spot over a seemingly minor incident

Sound familiar?  That's untreated BPD I'm afraid.  My advice is not to blame yourself, and to take care of yourself first.  Look, he'll probably yell at you no matter what you do, so you might as well live your life.  If he's abusive towards you, you need to protect yourself with boundaries.  You don't need to explain yourself, just do it.  Quietly leave the room, hang up the phone or leave the house if you have to.  If you care to share more details and scenarios, I'm sure other readers will try to advise about what works best for them.  At least then you won't feel alone.

All my best to you.  Take care of yourself.

Hi Roper,

Clearly this is a safeguarding issue both for your dd and your gc. Are your gc living with their father whilst your dd is having inpatient treatment?

Hello,

I’m reaching out because I’m in a very difficult marriage with someone who I believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed, but his behaviour matches so much of what I’ve read: sudden outbursts, verbal abuse, paranoia, cycles of pushing me away then begging me back, and constant accusations that aren’t true.

I’ve tried to support him, but I’m realising how much it’s affected me — my confidence, my humour, my peace of mind. He is the only person who has ever made me cry or feel genuinely afraid.

I know I can’t change him, but I also know I need help to take care of myself. I’m hoping your group might give me some guidance, connection, or just a place where I can talk to others who understand what this is like.

Thank you for any support or resources you can offer.

Best wishes,

This is definitely a great perspective.

I can't imagine having to perpetually deal with her going forward. Even in the midst of our breakup, I couldn't deny there was a huge sense of relief. There are still a few tiny tendrils connecting us (a little bit of paperwork to change ownership of the house for instance), and even with those, I worry her dysfunction is going to somehow make it into a huge disaster. If we had kids or some other ongoing connection, or if we had stayed together significantly longer, I might never be able to get my own life back on track.

All told I got out of it with enough youth and resources, and capacity to learn, to take this as a lesson, and hopefully get stronger for it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Thank you. 12 step CODA ( and ACA in my situation) helped me to keep clear on boundaries. I think it's helpful, even if the pwBPD doesn't have alcohol addictions.

It's not easy, but I think some sort of radical acceptance would help.  This relationship happened.  It's over now.  Move on.

But also realize that this does not and should not impact who you are.  This person and their problems are their own; you didn't cause their problems.  You tried your best to help them, but ultimately you could not, and fortunately they moved on without dragging you down for the rest of your life. 

Good for you for not having children with her.  Consider it a win that she is out of your life and you do not have to pay her child support for years, and continue to interact with this toxic person, constantly worrying about the impact she's having on your own children. 

In a way, you are born again, and have the rest of your life to make what you will from it, with the knowledge you have gained about BPD and these sort of high-conflict people and how to deal with them. 

When I first learned about BPD, after reaching out for advice on a different message board and relating some long anecdotes about what I was going through, and the things my then-wife was saying and doing, I remember a poster saying to me like "Consider yourself fortunate that you realized this as soon as you did.  I was married for fourteen years."

At the time we had only been married for ~3 1/2 years (we lasted two more).  It didn't seem like much consolation at the time to know that someone else had suffered longer than I did, but looking at the 7 years that have gone by now since I moved out and filed for divorce, I am thankful that I've been single and able to do and experience things I wouldn't have been able to do if I had stayed married.  I've been able to see and spend time with my family more often; BPDxw was always picking quarrels and fights and ruining family visits for me.  And I've been able to reconnect with old friends, and take up a couple hobbies. 

It's not ideal; I still have to coparent with BPDxw & pay child support to her, but that will end eventually.  Hopefully your divorce settlement was fairly cut and dry and you didn't do badly out of it.

If you have trouble moving on, on your own, I do think you should consider some sort of therapy and talking these things out with someone.  And while doing that, also force yourself to do healthy things on your own time: more exercise.  get a hobby.  read.  etc.  Don't allow your mind to fall into negative thoughts.  We can be our own worst enemies sometimes... I have to remind myself of this as well. 

Hi there,

Sadly, this seems like typical family dynamics where someone has untreated BPD.  I know it's not rational to provoke a blow-up and long-term estrangement because of a kind gesture--trying to give a grandchild a gift--but that's a common scenario in my experience.  Birthdays, holidays, a death in the family and joyful visits invariably seem to trigger someone with BPD.  I think that the root causes might be (i) the pwBPD feeling jealous and/or upstaged by someone else, (ii) intolerance when someone else gets any attention, (iii) feeling triggered seeing other people happy, because it reminds them that they are not, (iv) feeling overwhelmed and out of control when other people "invade" their household, and (v) feeling disrespected when things don't go exactly as planned.

Anyway, I do think it's encouraging that your step son reached out.  But I bet that his wife found out, and then she punished him in some way.  Your step son probably felt it wasn't worth the punishment to meet up with his dad.  I bet that he's in a really dark place right now; he's likely traumatized by his BPD wife.  He's probably barely holding on, but he's scraping by because he thinks he has no choice, and he has a young child to worry about.  He's likely stuck in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, and he might even begin to lose his sense of identity.  I bet his wife is alienating him from family and friends, while being uber controlling, either "punishing" him whenever he does something for himself, manufacturing some sort of crisis, or having a nuclear meltdown at the slightest setback.  It can't be fun at all.  He's probably desperate, not like himself at all.  He might be embarrassed that he got himself in this mess, but he sees no way out.  But that's BPD--they can be very beguiling and captivating at first, and then turn toxic if they aren't getting treatment.

My advice is not to take anything personally.  I like the idea of keeping the door open.  Maybe your husband sends short, neutral messages at major holidays, just to show your son that he's still in your thoughts.  Let him be the one to come to you . . . and if he changes plans, understand that it's likely his wife that's pulling the puppet strings in the background.

Methuen's post is very wise- take the high road here. If this were my mother- any retaliation would be returned ten fold. This statement:  I believe that anyone who tries to fight fire with fire when a BPD personality is involved is going to come out the loser. It will only put a bigger target on your backs for DIL to aim at.  is true for the dynamics in my family.

I don't think this means tolerating abuse, but to avoid reacting.

What happened with the birthday gift is - you spoke to another person about the situation and that person told your son and/or his wife. For some reason in my family- this was considered a "serious crime". You do not say anything negative about BPD mother to anyone else. She did this but you don't dare do it yourself.

When your stepson responded and you wondered "who is this person" - if this were my family- BPD mother would have escalated and insisted my father say or do this kind of thing. While I recognize that he also is responsible for his own behavior, I have seen what happens when BPD mother escalated to the point where it was stressful and he backed down to get the situation to stop.

As to taking the high road-  there were times I did react and experienced the results of that and learned, it's not worth doing. On the other hand, I didn't want to just be a doormat and tolerate abusive behavior. I did experience her taking control of things I wanted to do that were "nice" for her. Like the gift you bought your grandson. I arranged a party for her and at the last minute, she decided she might not go.  Situations like these.

There might be family plans and she'd change her mind at the last minute or there'd be some kind of situation that comes up. I think this is what happened when your stepson didn't show up to meet his father.

After my father passed away, it was my BPD mother who disconnected from me.  I did feel the need to have boundaries with her but felt NC wasn't appropriate. A wise friend suggested I contact her on a schedule- as decided by me- once a week, once a month, as long as it's a regular one. How she responded was up to her. Somehow, making this my choice and without any expectations from her made it feel less hurtful. We had more contact as her needs increased in her elder years but for a while the schedule was the contact, and we sent a modest gift on her birthday and holidays- but without expectation of how she'd react.

A scheduled contact- as decided by your H- could give him the space to manage emotionally without reacting by going NC. Know that anything sent to him will be seen by his wife- and possibly deleted if she gets to it first. Anything sent to my father was shared with my mother. Texts may be the easiest option here. If your stepson's workplace allows it, he could send a card to the office. Your stepson has a better chance of seeing a text if it's sent during working hours when he's not at home. Messages that don't imply a need to respond, or hurt feelings may be better received- "thinking of you on your birthday and hope you have a good one" types of messages. Don't send money, or costly gifts.