It would be wonderful if we could find a way to not trigger someone with BPD. The problem is that they can be triggered by whatever is going on in their heads that may have no basis in actual fact.

I am hearing that you are trying logical discussions with your loved one. Logic doesn’t work with people with BPD. They are emotion based and they make decisions based on emotions.

Most people have thoughts that lead to feelings which lead to action. For example, a man walks past his boss, and the boss doesn’t look at him, acknowledge him, or say anything. The man takes it personally and feels terrible about it and his thoughts are he doesn’t like me. I should probably look for a new job and then perhaps he goes and look for a new job.

But the boss was thinking about what he was having for dinner and was just caught up in his thoughts the way we interpret events has to do with us, our self-esteem, our prejudice, our likes and dislikes, etc. Her BPD leads her to think the worst of everything and that affects you.

People with BPD have feelings first which lead to action and the thoughts. They have a hard time pushing through the pulsating amygdala, a part of the brain,which makes them so emotional.

It sounds like the kind of fights that you’re having are fake fights in a way which means you’re not fighting about the issue youthink you’re fighting about but something much deeper. I would advise getting in deeper and together figuring out what is beneath her behavior. What is she feeling? What does she afraid of? What does she really need and want? And what about YOUR needs and wants You WOULD BE WELL ADVISED TO GET answers to those questions before you can decide what to do.

If you do decide to leave, understand that that is a perfectly valid thing to do when you have a partner husband or significant other who doesn’t meet your needs and who makes you unhappy. That happens in every relationship. You never signed up to take care of a person with a disability so don’t berate yourself if the relationship doesn’t work.

I wish the best for you and hope that the situation revolves in a way that leaves you satisfied. You’ve signed up for a hard job. It’s not impossible, but you really have to look at the rest of the relationship and how much you like it and what it’s worth to be in it when the bad times come.

Randi