My lawyer was a bit of a fly-by-your-pants in the courtroom.  So I tried to prepare as best I could but, inexperienced me, I could never predict what he  would choose to jump upon.

So...based on what you say your communication issues are, and how ForeverDad describes his custody hearing, you might want to :

1) Contact the school for records of tardiness and go back and see if this is a valid point for you to usr.

2) Go back through your documentation and see if you can quantify a) the number of times she has ignored to custody order, and/or b) significantly delayed important communications.

For anything you can quantify, create a cover sheet that summarizes the issue ("Child was tardy XX times over two semesters; XX-2 of the factors were  on mother's time."), then place th summary on top of the supporting docs. The judge will appreciate the summary. You'll need three copies -- judge, you, mother.

Any ideas on how to cluster items from all your documentation? We might be able to give feedback.

Under The Bridge ,

I'm curious. Why do you "think about it even now and wish things could have worked out" ?

Was it about her looks, her personality, or both?

One thing that surprised me was how much the court gave weight and attention to the school teachers' input, in one way more than what I reported.

In that last hearing it covered two entire days.  I think the court wanted to be done with us.  And this time around the GAL wasn't playing neutral footsie with my ex anymore.

I played nearly 9 or 10 recordings I made for exchanges where my ex disparaged me and played games.  Actually, I had to play them twice, once for me to testify to the dates and times, then once for her to state she didn't remember but it was her voice.  One was in the middle of summer break.  I got off work early before my Independence Day holiday so I called and offered to go where my ex worked and pick our son.  She said no, it was her time until 6 pm.  So I drove past the exit and went home.  A couple hours later I went to the exchange location and waited but she never showed up.  I called and she said to come get him.  I said , No, I'm not going there, I'm at the exchange location.  She didn't come so I called the police to document it.  The officer read my court order (I always kept extra copies in my car) and called her.  Oh yes, she listened then, to the officer, but not to me.

Even the GAL questioned her and the GAL stated she lied.

I provided a printout of the school's prior year's tardy list.  Out of 21 tardies, 19 were on her scheduled parenting time.  Then a couple teachers testified about his 5th grade overnight school-sponsored trip to a local kid's camp.  I had signed approval as custodial parent but she said it was her time and went to fetch him that evening from the camp.  The teachers downplayed the details but she clearly made a scene in front of everyone and ruined his outing.

After waiting a few weeks, the written order arrived.  (1) She was lambasted for "disparaging" me in the presence of our son, by then a preteen.  (2) The court stated she needed counseling but didn't order it.  (3) I got my requested majority time but only during the school year.  She was entitled and misbehaving year-round but I was awarded majority time during the school year but ex got to keep equal time during the summers.  In that way I sensed school was more on the magistrate's mind than what I had to live with the entire year, each year.

So don't ignore the input from the school, both counselors as well as teachers.  It can be more impactful than you may expect.

Also, most counselors and therapists make the parents sign that the professionals won't be dragged into court either to testify, be sued or complaints made to their licensing boards.  However, these same professionals will freely consult with the assigned Custody Evaluators, GALs, etc since then those professionals can use that information to submit their own informed conclusions and recommendations.  Yes, I've "been there, done that".

About selecting a GAL... be aware that they can be experienced or inexperienced, just like lawyers, counselors and other professionals.  Try your best to select one experienced, respected by the court and able to see through the false face the disordered parent will put on display.

I appreciate it. She ended up messaging me again and saying she does miss me and wants to reconnect but she doesn't want me to see her like she is. She said she changed for the worse and that I deserve to be with someone who isn't a drug addict and PLEASE READed in the head. I guess at least she was honest. I'm probably just gonna try and be strong and move on if thats how she feels. Part of me feels like she is just trying to let me down softly but I really don't know anymore. Don't really have it in me .

Thanks so much for responding. Let's see if I can tag and respond...

  @Kells76 Yes. My lawyer has talked to me about changes in circumstances and how that would be a good approach. And I def want a GAL. I want someone solely on my kids side. Can you please tell me more about your experience with a GAL? Like would I be able to request that the GAL speak to my kids current and previous teachers? My kid is in therapy and has been for a little over a year at this point. Would the GAL be able to speak with my kids therapist? And I think a custody eval would be useful too. Would you mind telling me more about your experience with that? I petitioned for custody and majority parenting time too.
My child is 6. 50/50  custody and legal. Yes I have a lawyer (same one that helped me get out). Changes to circumstances- the custody decree has always been a disaster. My ex picks and chooses what to follow and what not to follow, is horrible at communication (withholding info, not responding to emails for long periods of time or not at all, makes unilateral decisions...goes on).

 @SuperDaddy We divorced years ago and at the time of those posts I was concerned that my ex would leave the state with our child. Also, it was during the pandemic, I was deep in an abusive relationship and trying to get out (a lot more nuance and context for all of that). Socio-psychological evaluation...I will look into this but would appreciate anything you know about this.

 @ForeverDad Excellent list, thank you! Follow up questions- I have been documenting since hiring a divorce lawyer. What is the best way to organize my documentation to get the court to really look and consider it? And it is good to know about the 6 month thing, but I think with what I have it would for sure be helpful in showing patterns that are not in our child's best interest. Any advice on pointing out those patterns?
Congrats on the final outcome! 6 years is a very long time, you did it! That gives me hope. I feel like I have SO MUCH documentation. Any advice on ranking topics by importance?

Thank you all so much. If you know of any people or resources that might be able to help me please let me know! And if there is any other info from me about my situation that you think might help you better understand or advise- please ask.
Thank you thank you thank you

100% solid advice from HoratioX.. the main thing for you to do is to maintain total no contact, no matter how much you want to. we've all been through this and it is truly hard to do but all you're doing is letting her know you're still interested if she ever wants you at that time.

She has an illness which stops her deciding on a normal path of action she can stick to, such as having a relationship, taking it seriously and putting work into keeping it going. She can't do any of this; she lives by her ever-changing emotional state minute by minute and she acts only according to this.

She will drop her current guy in a heartbeat to come back to you then drop you in another heartbeat when she starts thinking the other guy was the better option after all. Repeat.

She has no rules to play by and no sense of the 'long term' and you're the one who will be constantly hurt because you care and actually do want something serious.

Stay strong and keep busy with friends, hobbies - anything to keep you occupied. Time is what's needed, it will get better,

My BPD relationship was back in the mid-80s - some 38 years ago! It just shows the intensity that I still think about it even now and wish things could have worked out.

Given that this was in the time before we all had home internet to easily research things, I had no knowledge of BPD and just assumed she had a bad streak. It's only in recent years that I've researched her symptoms and found they matched BPD near perfectly.

I'm 100% sure she would never have agreed to therapy of any kind as, in her mind, she wasn't the problem, everyone else was. My slightest criticism that there was anything wrong with her was always met with anger and retreat.

I spoke to her sister-in-law only a couple of years ago and she said my ex hadn't changed one bit since our days and had now cut off from her remaining family. I'm just glad I got out when I did after having suffered 4 years.. the thought that I could have had this abuse for nearly 40 years now is too unthinkable.

Hi y'all,

Last time I posted, people mostly got caught up talking about my use of the term 'quiet BPD', which was helpful to think about, but I'm still needing for some feedback on more urgent areas of my situation:

I should've shared that I've had 4 or so nervous breakdowns in the last couple of months - I guess that'd be the term for them? Maybe it's not kosher to say on this forum, as I know we should be trying to use our skills to navigate conflict, but I personally believe it's important for me to observe that my body is trying to communicate with me in this new inability/unwillingness to cope with relational stress. Ever since my partner called me abusive, something in me completely rejects the option of sublimating my needs to navigate us through conflict. And each time a conflict with BP hallmarks arises, since I no longer chart a course through, instead I completely lose myself in the spiral, resulting in the breakdowns and anguish. Not a livable pattern.

I decided to find another place to live for a month, to hope that the distance will give me clarity and save my mental health. We've tried breaks in the past, and during those, I felt pretty sure that I wanted to find a way back to being present in our relationship. This time around though, I am really scared for my health. I felt like hurting myself in one breakdown, just to show how much pain I was in. I did not, but it worries me to realize that hospitalization/an inpatient program may be my only option, if I don't figure something else out. I feel all I can do is protect myself from another collapse by removing myself.

I communicated my decision to live elsewhere for a month to my partner, and she heard it out. We pretended that the cause of my breakdowns is mysterious, although somehow related to our dynamic (to me it's not a mystery, though I'm definitely not totally clear on why things are happening so strongly now). In short, I don't know if I can come back to our relationship after the break. What kind of considerations did y'all undertake to really assess for yourself whether to stay in a relationship (we are married 4 years, without kids, but I'm financially unstable currently)? And I know I'm hurting her by leaving for a while, but I feel it's the best choice - is this reasonable to do?

Thank you kindly to you helpful strangers out there, as always.

I have spoken to him with effective communication via text-  texting is much better than trying to talk in person. I told him his options that either he can sign himself off the lease and I will stay here OR I will sign off with his approval and will move somewhere else. I told him if either of these options do not work I will have to get a no contact order. I spoke with my property manager and notified her of the situation which was very difficult and embarrassing for me BUT I did that today. He has agreed to sign himself off of the lease. He says he will leave tmrw -he's continuing to push it off until other time and always has excuses. I will continue to enforce these boundaries and be very specific- letting him know that if he does not leave and execute one of our 2 options I will get a no contact order. He continues to distance himself completely with minimal contact. He is protecting himself from my vulnerable state which scares him. This is why this is so difficult it just breaks my heart :-( He's just NOT capable in so many ways- he doesn't have the skills or the insight - it's just not there