Others will have more wisdom cuz I am a newbie also and mine is a son and the grandkids scenario.  Just making an observation---not assessing the specific traits but just thinking before your post that I think females with BPD could possibly have a little more hormonal stuff to enhance the BPD.  Maybe your daughter had a little break in her hormones when baby was born and now she is back to same old same old.    Not saying it is part of situation but perhaps so and that doesn't give you solution but just making an observation.

I am at a complete bottom with my adult undiagnosed son (26). He seemed pretty normal until he turned 16/17 and he fell into a bad crowd and started abusing drugs for the next 10 years. His spiral as a teen was very sudden, and seemed to be mostly drug related, he also has ADHD. But now I look back and even before that, he didn’t seem attached to people normally. I was a young single mom and things were less stable until he was about 8. He was and is very emotionally immature, and after 14 (started drugs) slowly turned into a really deceptive person who treated people poorly but pretended to be a good guy at home. I was easily manipulated emotionally. He never really had developed his own personality and interests and just clung to everyone and adopted whoever he was with at the time. The drug abuse worsened and he put us through complete hell for a decade with a lot of on and off estrangement, lies, manipulation, blame, theft, and was and is, completely remorseless. He has never apologized for anything - is that a BPD trait?

He held a narrative that we were at fault for the conflict at home, and not his addiction or behaviours. I enabled him for a long time, always forgiving him and not making him address things because I was just happy to see him after weeks, or months missing. I think we were at times less validating than we could have been throughout his life, coming from invalidating homes ourselves, but not terribly. We were a pretty good normal family.

I always blamed the drugs for his behaviour, but once he cleaned up after he hit a big bottom last year. He still had so much instability in his personality and life. He can’t be alone, and goes from relationship to relationship. Then he met a woman who has be diagnosed BPD and seems very very mentally unstable. He didn't even tell her about us for months after dating. They both had a fast romance filled with drama, and that very suddenly became all about religion. I reacted poorly to his very sudden conversion. That reaction is now his and her primary focus for the last several months. She sends really emotionally charged messages to me, signed both of them, cutting off contact, or telling me how awful I am. I’ve only met her a couple times. I respond very neutrally and it infuriates her.

After this religious conflict, he proposed within a couple months and they planned a wedding all while being NC for us - their choice. But then he got very upset that we didn’t try harder to make amends and to contact him. I think I have apologized 5 times. He gets mad if we address things, mad if we don’t. He’s mad that we don’t fix things for him, but he avoids contact when we try to open a dialogue. He actually avoids conflict 99% of the time. We only see him 0-1-2 times a year. He holds resentments and can’t move past perceived slights, no matter what we do.

Her most recent message uninvited us to his wedding and cut contact again. This is because I wanted our son to address things instead of a ‘fresh start’ which he requested. I believe it's because he wants money for the wedding.

I just have reached a point that I can’t do it anymore.

After learning about her diagnosis, I can see now that he fits a lot of the BPD criteria. I can’t believe how similar their behaviour sounds to the entries I read on this site.

With the wedding, we are not attending and not trying to convince him otherwise. I feel like I can’t lose another single day to his chaos and he is our only child so it stings a lot. I’ve done years of therapy and I am handling it a lot better now.

I want to send him a message that calmly shares my concerns about his mental health, is that even worth it. How many people are walking away at this stage? I don't have the energy to walk on eggshells with one let alone two people this unstable. Do people tend to get better over time, his also might have NPD, I don't really know. I do have a lot of personality disorders in my family tree, none diagnosed. 

Hello-- I am new here. 62 Yo GM with 35 yo daughter who might have BPD. At least, she has those behaviors, so I am hoping strategies that help with BPD will also help with her.

We have had a long history of her blowing up and cutting me off then coming back. My personality is more low key introvert nerd, and she goes fast, so things usually progress from me thinking we are having a casual chat to finding out I didn't sound enthusiastic enough about something or was smiling at the wrong time, and now she's furious and yelling while I am just standing there confused, trying to figure out my mistake. It's like my very existence has been fingernails on a chalkboard for her, and I have tried as hard as I can to figure out what she wants.

After she had a baby 10 months ago, everything changed. I was shocked. She called and apologized-- she said now she understands what it feels like to love a baby and that she should never have been so mean to me, knowing I love her that way. She seemed very happy, no post partum depression, is able to stay home with the baby and enjoys that. I have flown there every 2-3 months to visit and it's been amazing! I still feel a bit on eggshells out of habit but she has actually been kind. I think she's doing a fantastic job with the baby.

Now baby is 10 months and I guess the friendliness towards me has suddenly worn off. She has cut me off, she says "for now" after one of those conversations that went unexpectedly south. Idk if the specifics matter, but she was saying she didn't want me to ever talk politics or religion with her daughter (a 10 month old) even as a teen because she sees my opinions as harmful. I've always been on the left, she's gone right, and do I ever bring it up? No, omg, wouldn't dream of it. I only know her current position bc she says things but I just change the subject. It's a minefield.

So I said of course I don't bring that up now! And that it would feel strange to refuse to answer a direct question honestly from a teen, but if that was her rule I would have to agree to it. Well the word "rule" set her off. She said it wasn't a rule, it was a "request" to "find out if it's going to work out for you to be in a close relationship with our family."

I would understand if I had been arguing with her about any of these things or doing monologues at dinner. But I haven't. I stick to safe subjects like weather, recipes, etc. I am ultra cautious not to offend her.

So now she is "taking a break" and uninvited me from the 1 yr birthday party. She emailed me to cancel the developmental toy subscription I had been sending at her request.

I have been in these intermittent estrangements enough to think it's not permanent, but it's still painful. Now I am worried-- what would it be like for my grandchild? She won't remember this one, but eventually she will. If I am in and out of her life, and the trigger for her mom's anger, am I making my grandchild have a harder life? As far as I can tell, I am the main person she takes anger out on. Should I keep a semi distance to minimize this but so my granddaughter knows I exist-- in case she ever needs me? Like, send cards but keep out of her mom's hair?

I am so sad to be missing this time with the baby. She's the sweetest ever. I always wanted to be a grandma. But I have to put her first.

I have a newer Iphone, and there is an "action button" that can be used to make a voice memo.  I've programmed that action button because I'm just too slow and clumsy to unlock my phone, find the voice memo app and start recording.  Maybe this is a potential solution for quick recording.

I'm not going to tell you to do it or not do it (my gosh the constant "I've really turned over a new leaf"-itis is hilariously on-point), but audio-record the whole conversation and honestly invest in a $15 "set it and forget it audio recorder" to just wear around your neck or in a shirt pocket the first couple days - because there's a huge risk of her just complaining you raped her and strangled her and then tried to drown the kids or something...I cannot stress enough the need to have an audio recording of every moment for the next few weeks.

I faced over a dozen criminal charges, all of them finally acquitted two years later with a note that my ex just fabricated things out of thin air (she ended up accusing my lawyer of abusing her, then accusing three separate lawyers of her own of misconduct meriting losing their license if she'd been believed, testified before lunch there was no bruise, took a lunch break and came back to testify about how bad the bruises were, etc...almost comedic, from a very dark standpoint.).

My experience with judges is a mixed bag (female judges could see through her lies more easily than men who fell for her act, but they were also hesitant to act decisively and end this charade), but I'd rank the police involvement (I actually phoned police, not her) a 0/10 - absolute dereliction of duty and race to ruin my family's lives because when they showed up a pretty young woman told a horrifying story to explain why I was divorcing her.

Record. Everything.

I now will gain gaurdianship of my granddaughter in a few weeks. my daughter is mentally ll,  borderline and has made our lives miserable for many years. She has blamed me for everything in her life. She does not work have any income, a car or anything that can help her raise her daughter.She has tested positive for meth 2 times this year which she denies any useage.
We are so concerned now after DHS leaves that we wil
have no support of defense with our daughter that blames me for taking her away.
I am so weary and anxious about all this that some days I cant function well. I feel so sad for her and can't help feel sorry for her. She has absolutley nothing in her life..
I am reaching out for any advice or guidance in our next few weeks and for the future as we will have her until she graduates from high school. She is 15 and is getting tired of her mothers moods and inibility to help herself.

Hi DustyCabbage,

I have vast experience with that. Four long-term relationships with women with disorders. The first one had BPD traits and was pathologically jealous, and because of that, she had periods of "wanting to separate." In 2007 I was working too much, so she thought I had some kind of lover. I learned that the best thing to do is to move out and cut off contact. However, before leaving, I asked her to call me once per day. My mistake. She did that for 6 months without missing a day but was treating me coldly and poorly. As I finally began to think I was done with that and didn't care much about those phone conversations, she finally began to get less angry but didn't change her attitude of superiority.

So I gave up and changed my phone number. After 3 days she called to my office and was sad. She told me she had cried the entire weekend but said it was because of a film. I think she didn't realize it was because she was losing me. But I also happened to move to another office room, which had a different phone number. Then, her facade of superiority finally fell apart. But it was too late, because I was with another girl and in a very intense relationship. This new girl had histrionic personality disorder and liked to travel and luxury, but I was full of money to spend with her. Ironically, the outcome was great for me. Soon my ex wanted to reapproximate and wanted to become "my secret lover." She then got the complete opposite of a superior attitude.

Well, anyway, my advice is to agree with the separation. You don't need to sign divorce papers yet, but you should move out or make any deal that helps her to move out. Then you must move on with your life, genuinely. That means you must make yourself happy. You don't need to get another partner, but you can if you wish. Your wife will then miss you and remind herself of your value. Unfortunately, this is how emotionally immature people operate.

Finally, when you see a total flip in her attitude with you and she expresses willingness to meet you for a coffee, tell her you think it's better if she checks with a professional first about what made her want to divorce you in the first place. That's just a way of taking this unique opportunity to give her encouragement for her to seek treatment. You must wait for her to be fully engaged in treatment before you reapproximate.

Do this and you'll save your marriage. I know it's hard, but you need to sacrifice yourself a bit now.

---

Apart from this, please wait. Don't try to get kids now, not yet. I have six kids, two from each mother, and the amount of problems I have with their mothers is unimaginable. And all relationships became dysfunctional after the first baby and completely unbearable after the second. With people that are healthy, the kids might be a good thing that gives them purpose, makes them happy, and strengthens the relationship bond. However, with disordered people, it's completely the other way around. It deteriorates their mental state to a level that you have never seen before.

First you need to bring her to a better health state. The miscarriages are a sign that she is in a really poor state, probably with lots of inflammation. That must be treated first. She must first figure out if she has food intolerances, such as dairy or gluten sensitivity, by experimenting with an exclusion diet. Also, she must see which supplements work best for her. There is one that is the most effective for people with BPD, but you must do your own research. There are a few that are fundamental for a healthy pregnancy and should be taken months before trying. And consulting a doctor from natural/integrative/orthomolecular medicine would be great if you can afford it. Meanwhile, it's better to use a good contraceptive method.

My wife has just inserted a copper intrauterine device today. According to renowned doctor Lair Ribeiro in Brazil, this one is the best because it doesn't mess with the woman's hormones. We are living apart because I'm waiting for her to recover from BPD.

Hello  I’m new here.

My wife (35) has told me she wants a divorce and that she isn’t happy. We’ve been together almost 5 years and married for 19 months.

So a little background.

My wife was told by a CPN that she possibly has BPD but she’s never been diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

At the start of the relationship, things were a bit difficult as I done somethings that could be seen as emotional infidelity. I realised my mistakes and ever since have never done anything like that and vowed to commit myself.

Lately we’ve been trying for a child and unfortunately we’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. She blames herself and sometimes me for these although neither were our fault.

With Mother’s Day (in the uk) coming up, I knew she’d possibly be upset. I planned to take her out and have got her a card etc.

Unfortunately what I didn’t plan was for her mother to message her and upset her. Her mother has always been someone who only thinks of herself and never gives a crumb of comfort or empathy to anyone else. She disappeared at our wedding and has offered no compassion to my wife, whilst she was going through these miscarriages.

Since that text message, she’s decided she no longer wants any contact with her mother and has cut all ties with her (something I support). However she’s also turned to me and says she doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. That I have traits that are similar to her mother and that I remind her of her. She says she wants a divorce and wants to move out. 

She thinks I only got with her as a rebound relationship and I’m only married to her to tick a box in my life, that I don’t love her or care. She points out every single bad thing I’ve ever done/said and has been criticising everything.

I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife and care about her deeply. I want to start a family with her because I believe she’s an amazing woman.

We’ve been through scenarios before where she says she wants a divorce, brought up right after our miscarriage. This one seems a little different as normally the divorce threat disappears after a day. This has been going on for a few days.
I need advice

I needed to replace my car during what happened to be the last few months of my marriage.  So I bought a new used car - with my spouse and small child right there with me - and expected to again get a loan from my 401(k).  They required the spouse's signature acknowledging I was talking a loan out on my work's retirement account.  It's at that point she said No.  Dealer was fuming, it wasn't his fault he wasn't getting paid.  So I went to my local bank where I had my mortgage.  Their terms for a car loan were that I had to open a checking account there and have my paycheck sent there.

Of course, we were still together then and when she found out she flamed out, demanding I switch my paycheck back to our joint checking account.  I couldn't do that since those were the loan's terms.  It was very fortuitous - "oops, sorry about that, nothing I can do!" - since when we did separate there was little in our joint account to drain.  I did pay the household bills from that new personal account.

If I haven't said it before, I'm truly grateful to you for all of your feedback and advice. Thank you so much. I have a lot to respond to but at the moment I'm traveling and will respond in a more thoughtful way soon.

I'm grateful for you and your kindness nonetheless.