I will add that I feel proud of myself for standing firm in a calm and respectable way because I usually roll over and go along with the things she wants.  I also feel good that when W disregulated in T session today, T used the same techniques people teach here for dealing with those situations.  And they didn’t work for a trained T much better that they work for me.  Just tells me that pwBPD are difficult to deal with even for professionals, and to be less hard on myself for contributing to the chaos.

Doc
Thanks for this post this resonated with me as well as others. My daughter 45 years with undiagnosed BPD, since her teens.Has now moved in with me about 3 months ago. Shes been horrific one day and sweet as anything the next. She has no money and no steady job, freelance writer and incredibly talented and intelligent. She has gone through so many relationships and jobs and money. I am having such a difficult time keeping to boundaries and dealing with guilt. And having others reaffirming the importance of boundaries is lifesaving and reading so many post is so important to realize that I can't do this alone and I can't fix her, as heartbreaking as it is. Thank you all!

Here I am again… returning to this discussion board when times are rough.  Don’t know if I want advice or just someone to listen

The long and short - W decided to go on a lesbian dating site a few weeks ago.  She didn’t tell me beforehand, and when she told me I was a bit naive to what she was saying. I thought it was just another social media site for people in the LGBTQ community.  Nonetheless, W befriended a woman there, and when she told me she was going to meet this woman, I thought she was asking if it was ok to meet someone from the internet who is a lesbian.  I didn’t understand there was a mutual attraction.   W then started talking about an open marriage.  I don’t think that is something that could work for me, especially involving a pwBPD.

Anyway, she went out with this woman twice.  I see was under the impression that we agreed to keeping things platonic between them until we could tall about it further.  Of course, that didn’t happen, and I told her in T today that I felt uncomfortable.  Of course, W disregulated.

W feels i am trapping her in this marriage and forcing her to be monogamous.  All I am asking for at the moment is time to weigh pros and cons.  There is a whole lot of background here that I won’t get into right now, but Nonetheless, I don’t see what is left of our relationship if she is also seeing someone else.  I feel like at that point I am no longer getting love or attention.

If anyone has advice or experience with poly relationships, i’d be interested to hear.  But right now for me this feels like a step too far.

.

When living apart, is it possible to end the relationship conflict with your BPD partner? I mean, is it possible to stop being verbally attacked and devalued?

I'm intrigued with this because Pook075 said (in another thread) that he succeeded in doing that with 3 different people that have BPD: ex-wife, daughter, and "best friend's little sister." In the case of an intimate partner, it would be harder, but can the same approach work?

Pook075 said the drama ends as soon as they figure out that "you are always there for them." But obviously this is not enough, because this was already a true fact during his marriage and also in Rowdy's marriage, but both of them got devalued and left by their partners anyway (as they said in the thread).

So I was thinking maybe the trick to getting along with someone with BPD is to never exhibit any emotion that is negative and indicates the lack of acceptance or approval of something about them (their behavior, their choices, their thoughts, etc.) or can be interpreted in that way. Here are a few examples I made:

- I am tired of this behavior of yours. (not accepting something about their behavior)
- Can't you just admit that you have lied? (not accepting the lie and the lack of disclosure)
- You are making our kid watch too much screen. (not accepting the choices)
- You are freaking out all the time! You are a strange person, aren't you? (not approving the overreactions)

So is this about the concept of "radical acceptance"?

But you know, we can't accept everything. There are things that are completely unacceptable, such as cheating or doing something that is dangerous for the kids. Is it possible to reframe anything that we don't accept/approve in a way that won't trigger them? Should we just shut up for a while and wait for our negative emotion to disappear before talking?

I agree that talking to a small circle could be beneficial...and it certainly makes it more real.  Family can't fully understand the mental illness dynamic but they can see your body language and gauge you for you.  That doesn't sound like a bad plan.

There will be some here who are reeling in pain that will tell you to run.  But mostly, you'll find people will encourage you to make the best choice for your life, and your daughter's life.  Once you begin to put yourself first, it will change so much and you'll be able to see this so much more clearly.  Talking to a friend or two is the first step in that journey.

Thanks for the update, and I think all of us felt exactly the same way.

Here's the thing though.  Your husband is responsible for himself.  You're responsible for you.  And no matter what you do from today forward, it can't change the fact that he has untreated mental illness.  You can't save him, you can't convince him, you can't do anything in that regards.

So where does that leave you?

Option 1, you stay and "deal with it."  You're not happy, he's not happy, but you keep doing it because that's what you've always done.  On paper, it looks better for the kid...but that's not always the truth.  A happy, mentally-stable mom is what's best for the kid.

Option 2, you leave and your husband resents you for it.  But here's the thing, he resents you now...and you resent him.  Where's the downside?  He may actually get worse mentally, but that could also be the thing that pushes him towards therapy and recovery.  Heck, leaving could technically be the one thing that could actually save the marriage.

The guilt you feel is not directly tied to your situation...it's tied to years of mental strain in a troubled marriage.  It's familiar, it's comfortable, even though it makes you miserable.  If there was even a 1% chance you could "fix him", I'd be the first to tell you to stick it out.  But you can't fix him, nobody can until he's personally ready for real change.

I hope that helps!

I’ve been distancing myself from everyone I’m close to to ensure this is my decision and what I want versus others opinions. I just want to be able to have the strength to do it. I’m considering mentioning this to my aunt whom I’m close to. Someone who would support me in doing this and in a way I feel like once I’ve said it to people it kind of makes it real and something that once spoken can’t be taken back if that makes sense? I’ve been in psychotherapy for 3 months coming to this finalization and recognizing that having my own emotions and needs aren’t weakness. I’m an avid people pleaser and I want to just be happy and feel human again

We separated for 4 months following the domestic violence. It was probably the best I’ve felt in years. I have no want to come back to the relationship. Would love to remain friendly and amicable but at this point I’m just all done. During that period of time we had discussed what we would do if we divorced. We each have our own cars. The house we could sell or I could buy him out. 50/50 custody aside from overnights as he is epileptic. We have shared bank account so a simple division would be equitable. Nothing would be able to stop being paid until we had a court order stating what we were doing with the house.

I know in terms of logistics what I need to do. I more so just need advice on not letting my guilt for his situation stop me from doing what’s best for me.

Thank you, Pook! Your encouragement is greatly appreciated!

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're on this path and my story is largely the same after 23 years of marriage.

First, you need an actual plan.  Will you leave or will he?  Who's name are the bills in, the cars, the life insurance, the bank accounts, etc.  How will you divide all the other stuff?  Have you consulted an attorney and thought about finances post-breakup? 

There's a lot to actually think about and you have to have somewhat of a blueprint before moving forward.  I am not saying any of this to discourage you, but I want you to see the reality of all this.  If you're leaving, you must have all your ducks in a row.

Next, is this definite divorce...or would you consider some time apart before getting that far?

Again, I know that's a lot to take in all at once.  Start making an actual plan and figure out the hard stuff before announcing your intentions.  You mentioned he's not violent now, but that could change if you mention that you're leaving in xx days.  Once that conversation starts, you have to be ready to get in the car and leave if necessary (even if it's to have the police remove him).

You'll get advice from many different angles here so I'm very glad you found us.  Please ask tough questions and we'll do our best to give realistic answers.