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 on: January 24, 2021, 11:56:45 PM  
Started by DefiantRaspberry - Last post by Popsie
Oh and just a questionI have related to spouses with BPD being stunted:  I find my H is also like a child in the sense that he doesn't take the initiative to do basic tasks and responsibilities. 

For example, he doesn't make sure the doors to our house are locked at night, if our faucet breaks he literally won't even call a plumber and just leaves it for months (i eventually deal but I leave it for a while to test my theory, it's like it doesn't even cross his mind), or on the weekend do the regular things that need to get done before the week (groceries, laundry, etc), not going to the dr when he has a bad rash, avoiding the dentist for years (not a money issue), or another weird one is his phone is barely working and it is critical for his job but he just complains about it every day for months and doesn't buy himself a new one even though he can afford it and the phone store is a block from his office.  I find this mind boggling.  Do other ppl have this experience or is it just particular to my H? 

I try not to get involved in the things I can avoid like the phone situation but many other things I just have to submit to being responsible for because they are a safety issue or the result of not doing them would negatively impact the kids (ie no groceries for lunches.)  It's hard to understand how he is so successful at work when this is how he operates behind the scenes.

I used to get angry and lecture but after figuring out he may have BPD I kind of assumed this might be related and just stopped getting angry and accepted these are limitations... but it sure is exhausting when you have 2 kids and a full time job.

 on: January 24, 2021, 11:30:36 PM  
Started by DefiantRaspberry - Last post by Popsie
This really is a major thing I grapple with. I have come to realize I no longer have the stamina & desire to see if it can happen or not, but that's a hard thing to feel guilty about - the what ifs - which then makes me feel sad even when he's having good days/weeks.

I hear you.  I feel intense guilt and sadness for him and for the kids when he is having a good day or we all go skiing together or something like that.  It is gut wrenching.

The co-dependent thoughts are very interesting and something i've never considered.  I have to read up about that and see if I fit the traits.  I am often described as an "empath", "kind", "people pleaser" so I guessing I might be...  eek...  anyone have any good sources to learn more?

One thing that I read that I have been using is that emotionally, someone with BPD has been stunted developmentally.  So emotionally they are a young child.  They never developed how to give empathy or really love, and just stuck doing what they have seen as 'love' or 'empathy'.  They don't know how to deal with emotions or even identify them.  So when they feel something, it can only be from an external source... being YOU.  And that's projection.

I really do believe this. Once our therapist explained this to me it really made sense.  The days seem to be much smoother when I think of him as a child but of course I cannot be patronizing.  I just don't share my thoughts and feelings and say encouraging things to him (even for taking out the garbage or doing the dishes.)  Does make things smoother on a day to day basis but sure isn't what I thought I was signing up for 10 years ago when I said "i do."  Also, it means not having an emotionally intimate or sophisticated relationship with your spouse and that for me is so unsatisfying.   Not to mention treating your spouse like you would treat a child is a real buzz kill romantically.  But I do agree with what you point out.  It is best to keep this perspective in mind and it does make the everyday smoother. 

 on: January 24, 2021, 11:24:16 PM  
Started by Cromwell - Last post by khibomsis
You are so welcome Cromwell! Just trying to pass it forward, I came to these boards broken and have been thinking a lot lately of how BPD family supported me to turn my life around. Might be painful now and then, but at least I don't live in ignorance. No wisdom is too dearly bought.
Yes, like Sinister Complex says, just get those words out there. Doesn't always have to make sense, we are here for you in the processing.

 on: January 24, 2021, 11:23:41 PM  
Started by CosmicNun - Last post by Turkish
Hi CosmicNun,


How are you struggling and how can we support you? Maybe you can start by sharing what led you here.


 on: January 24, 2021, 11:06:02 PM  
Started by Cromwell - Last post by SinisterComplex
Hi khibomsis
there is something bitter-sweet about this gift (but yes it does exist, I believe it does), at least thats how I feel at the moment, but thats okay too, the gift is what it is.

what means the most to me is that you replied, I did not know if anyone would.

Its difficult, sometimes I re-read my words and dont understand them myself, like word-salad.

but here i found the support, somehow I reached out and somehow others have always done some wizard-magic, since day 1, the positivity and the healing has been there even if I could not notice it. Thank you so much.

Cromwell, keep doing what you do. Sometimes just getting out the thoughts is enough. There doesn't have to be a point or end game. BTW...I do enjoy seeing your growth. Learning to control your emotions is a big deal. Not allowing things to escalate is vitally important. Indifferent and firm is typically the best way to go.

Cheers and best wishes!


 on: January 24, 2021, 10:57:57 PM  
Started by Voudou - Last post by SinisterComplex
I posted to this board because at the moment we are separated and she just recently asked me to pick up the rest of my things. I feel like she is finalizing things. Not what I really wanted but...

At Christmas, the tension began to build. I know she had some significant events that happened at this time of year in her life. Loss of parent, etc.. She gets engulfed and claims she is losing herself in the relationship. She tells me I am manipulating her and she is afraid to tell me things. I will freely admit that I am not without flaws but I honestly believe that some of these things are born from a reality I do not share with her. She makes me feel like a monster and I rack my brain attempting to pinpoint incidents when I may have displayed any such behavior. I love this woman, I don't want to own her.

On Christmas Eve, I reached out and told her I missed her. Amazingly she brought me back for Christmas. I began to suspect it was for the gifts I had purchased her. A week later she dumped me before New Years, claiming she must follow her feelings and can no longer be in a relationship with me but she cares for me.

I know I cannot argue with whatever she is going through. I feel out of control with my feelings now. Does she miss me? Why  did this happen? Was I not good enough?

I do want to heal, I want to find the person I was before all of this began. For now I am just in pain. I go between indifference and the begging someone or something to bring her back. How desperate. Never have I had a break-up like this. I know many of you have come before me and have had similar experiences. I am just asking for a bit of your strength and stories to help pull me up.

So Voudou...2 things I really want you to work on not letting into your mind....Does she miss you and why did this happen. This is going to sound harsh, but hear me out. These 2 things are irrelevant. The next part...are you not good enough...proceed to throw some water in your face and give yourself a good smack. Then go to a mirror and look at the person staring back at you and tell yourself...no one determines your value but YOU. You and you alone determine your value. You are good enough. I along with others on this board can provide you support and strength, but you have to take that support and strength and put it to use. Be the awesome person you should be. I personally will not delve into your relationship. I would rather focus on just you. Now you can tell me to go fly a kite more or less, but understand I truly come from a place of wanting you to be better for YOU. Get yourself right and better things happen. Regardless of how people shoot down the narrative of positive thinking its a real thing. If all you do is think about the negatives then how in the hell can you have anything good happen?

Now if you can get yourself to a place where you are happy with YOU and you still want that person around or a relationship with them then that is your choice...no judgment here, but you would be making the choice from a place of power, not weakness. You would be making the choice based on hey I want this person in my life instead of I need this person in my life.

I truly wish you the best moving forward.



 on: January 24, 2021, 10:45:26 PM  
Started by TerribleHats - Last post by khibomsis
So happy to hear that communication is going better! There is something about consistent distance that helps to stabilize them too, as they begin to trust that you will be there though you are not push/pull dancing with them.
Sounds like you have done a lot of the grieving work, good. And there are great parts to the relationship too, you got into therapy because of it and are able to work on your stuff.
I recognize the urge to be attracted to excitement Smiling (click to insert in post) I have it too. The four major relationships of my adult life: 1 CPTSD/alcoholic, another alcoholic, an Asperger's and a BPD. I love pain! Guess its my traumatic childhood with uBPD mom, because really, I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like and would probably walk right past it if it came to greet me. Keeping my nose to the grindstone in therapy while I work on this thing, too scared to do anything but window shop yet because clearly I am not good for myself.
I am going through all the red flags I should have picked up from the beginning, and realizing just how naive I was.. Depressing work but tremendously helpful. Like you I am growing more able to pick it up in others and that is slowly giving me some confidence.
Keep on keeping on Terrible Hats. It gets easier with time

 on: January 24, 2021, 10:27:55 PM  
Started by Carguy - Last post by khibomsis
Dear Carguy, if they weren't sweethearts we wouldn't put up with the moods, would we now ? Smiling (click to insert in post) Not a day goes past without I think of how my beloved expwBPD has inspired me to do better, and be better in this world. I am a stronger person because of her, and have more faith in my ability to surmount just about anything.
Your hot tub sounds delightful! Looking forward to hearing how it goes.
Yes, working out is my salvation too. Don't know how I would get by without it.

 on: January 24, 2021, 10:22:17 PM  
Started by khibomsis - Last post by khibomsis
Thank you legalboxer! Will tell this stubborn heart of mine to get on with it  Smiling (click to insert in post)

 on: January 24, 2021, 10:19:55 PM  
Started by B53 - Last post by khibomsis
Wishing you all the best, B53! So pleased everything is falling into place. 2021 is the year of new beginnings Smiling (click to insert in post)

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