I was sent a long text spam packed with nothing but vile things about how she wishes me dead and calling me outrageous profanities. I really have no choice but to let the dust settle and not attempt to engage with her again until she reaches back out and acts like nothing has happened. At this point she's moved out of her apartment and in with the bf. I gave her a decent car, I'm paying for her cosmetology program, and I send her $120 a week. I'm not cutting that off but I also will not increase it or participate in any planning for the baby unless she and her bf get around to approaching me about this pregnancy together, and collectively state their intention to have the baby and coparent in his home. Is that too much to expect? . . . . I have no idea how he really even feels about her or what expectations if any he has when it comes to her or anyone else bringing additional money into the household now that a baby is on the way or when it arrives. Aren't these things that anyone in my position would want to know and expect would be "transparent"? Or am I overstepping?
Hi there,
I'm not sure if I'm understanding your feelings about your daughter's boyfriend. It seems you would like to know that he's committed to your daughter and will earn enough money to care for your daughter and their child together, right? Of course you'd want that for your daughter, but do you really expect him to give you an accounting of his earnings and the household budget? You write that you need to know his "expectations if any he has when it comes to her or anyone else bringing additional money into the household." I get that, but by the same token, I don't think he should be telling YOU that. He should be telling your daughter. Besides, people can be full of good intentions, but fail to deliver because life and work are HARD. What matters to me aren't intentions as much as results. And for me, the best predictor of future results is past behavior. Is the boyfriend capable of holding down a job, gradually increasing his responsibilties and winning promotions? One look at his resume and you'd have decent information. The same goes for your daughter.
Maybe you're trying to say, you don't want to be expected to pay for your daughter and grandchild yourself. But why would your daughter think YOU are going to pay? Have you told her you would? The baby is her responsibility, not yours. She made the choice, she bears the responsibility. Granted, with BPD, there's usually a heavy dose of entitlement and sky-high expectations of other people.
I guess if I were in your shoes and I were supporting another adult economically, my support would be wholly in kind and conditioned upon using the money as I intended, akin to making a donation to charity, where funds must be used for stated charitable purposes. By that I mean, if I pay tuition, then my expectation is that she study (and pass). If she fails or drops out of school, then there's no more money for tuition. If I pay rent for an apartment, then my expectation is that she live in the apartment. If she abandons (or trashes) the apartment, then no more rent money. If I give her some money for utilities, then my expectation is for it to be spent on utilities. If she's spending the money on illicit drugs, lottery tickets or other nonsense, then no more money for utilities. If she declares, she's an adult, she wants to drop out of school, abandon her apartment, move in with her boyfriend and have a baby, that is her choice, and it sounds like a deliberate one. I respect another adult's choices--I really do--provided that they aren't breaking the law, hurting others, or making me live with the consequences. Your daughter is showing you she doesn't value her old apartment (nor the tuition you paid in all likelihood), and that's OK. She has something now that she thinks is better, she's exercising her independence, and you don't have to keep paying for things she doesn't want. You certainly don't have to reward bad behavior, when your daughter is wishing you dead and calling you outrageous profanities, while holding out her hand for additional spending money. I'm writing this because I wish my family hadn't financed and enabled increasingly destructive and expensive decisions by a loved one with BPD, while my husband and I bore the financial/logistical consequences. I promise you, the verbal and written abuse only get worse, almost in direct proportion to the demands for more money, for as long as your daughter doesn't seek professional treatment. I think the potential to make questionable choices grows as the size of her pocketbook increases, right alongside her age and her expectations to do adult things, such as have a baby. Look, would you be angry if your daughter decided to vacate her apartment and move in with her boyfriend if she were the one responsible for paying the rent? My guess is that if SHE were paying the rent, she'd find a solution, such as a sublet situation, and then her choice wouldn't bother you as much. Or maybe you're angry because your daughter got pregnant and is living with a boyfriend before marriage? I'm not a fan of that choice either, but it's not mine to make, and it's not uncommon, either. Some would say it's the most economical choice, as a single mom could qualify for more benefits.
Let me guess, you want to pay for your daughter to get DBT treatment, but your daughter doesn't want to do it--she wants to do other things, mainly spend time with her boyfriend. If you relent and continue to give her money, you're likely enabling and prolonging dysfunciton, in addition to training your daughter to treat you poorly. My humble opinion is that you should close the parental ATM for the time being. This isn't to be mean, but to show your daughter sooner rather than later that she needs to live in the "real world." In the "real world," adults need to face economic realities, which usually mean that parents can't afford to bankroll their adult children forever. I think you should start now, before you set your daughter's expectations of getting a weekly stipend from you (unless you can afford to see it multiplied and extended for 18 years or so).
In the meantime, I think you have the right idea of waiting until your daughter reaches out and pretends like nothing happened. I think you might pretend that nothing happened, either. You could say, you respect your daughters decision to start her family. Though you're not an ATM, you can provide moral support, given your own experience with pregnancy and early motherhood. I'd say, try to become a trusted adviser and moral supporter, instead of being a provider/nurturer/ATM. This might be a good inflection point--your daughter is a full adult now, and you can start treating her like one, not like a dependent little girl. But if she resumes her abusive behavior, disengage right away and protect yourself. Try not to reward her bad behavior with money or attention.
Just my two cents.