I'm very sad and confused about what I should do and not do when it comes to mitigating issues and helping m dBPD daughter right now and moving forward. Her recent news about being pregnant has thrown me through a loop and made her need to seek help so much more urgent, but I know I can't control that. At this point I'm grappling with how to maintain physical boundaries that are necessary due to her volatile behavior while also remaining accessible and appropriately supportive. She wants me to just "be happy for her" but I don't feel happiness. What I feel is afraid and helpless with a smidgon of hope that hangs on a thread. My friend who's a nurse and professes to understand BPD thinks that I should be going NC to the point of blocking my daughter from even contacting me, but this just doesn't set right in my heart or mind. She's only 19, is legitimately in a lot of pain, and it seems cruel and downright dangerous...... but apparently that makes me codependent? Please help. I wan't to support her and be a part of my grandchild's life, but not with the tradeoff of continuing to tolerate abuse or becoming an enabler. I don't believe the pregnancy was any accident but does that even matter. Does it?

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Perhaps this obsession with blogs, reels, articles and podcasts on narcissism, coercive control, and man-hating in general which my wife spends so much time on most days is not all that common in the BPD community.  It sure does inflame my wife, though.
We are traveling, so it’s been a bit hard to keep up with the responses. Strangely, she raged at me for most of the afternoon and part of the evening yesterday. It was the long list of hurtful things I’ve done in our 30+ year marriage, with a few new details and enhancements. There’s no real dialogue because I’m automatically wrong regardless of how I respond. And in the circumstances, there was no way to walk away from her rage. She threatened divorce again.
Today, she was in good spirits and we held hands (at her initiative) much of the day as we visited a large arboretum.  But at bedtime (separate rooms) she has lately been insisting on no hugs but a strange series of slow fist bumps and a high five. She says it’s because of my energy field. But we had a good day with pleasant conversation throughout. It’s so confusing.
I appreciate the comments several of you have made about rage addiction and think that’s a factor.
One day at a time . . .

Ok so this is very unique and interesting to me- wondering if anyone else has encountered this and how you responded to it-

We've been in a relationship for 2 years now living together. He appears single on FB and deleted me as a friend a long time ago he then blocked me on fb. He is on fb dating and is constantly talking to women. The conversation usually never goes anywhere and I have found no evidence of cheating. I check his phone often when hes asleep. He does not know I have his password. He will often start texting some of the women so any conversations I have seen that discuss wanting to meet or seem to be going somewhere I text those numbers from my phone and politely let them know that he is not single and in a long term relationship. Surprisingly the 4-6 times Ive done this the women are very apologetic and they immediately stop texting him back despite his repeated attempt to engage. He does not know that I have texted them or have seen these conversations. He knows that I have looked at his phone just the screen notifications and that Im well aware he is talking to other women. Obviously he does this to have someone to talk to and a back up option just in case our relationship were to end BUT it makes me wonder if he would actually cheat if one of these women were persistent enough and actually interested in him. Many of them are not as the conversations are awkward and like I said it never goes anywhere. I know this sound ridiculous but I dont know how else to respond to this bx. Oh and of course he is constantly accusing me of cheating even though I have deleted snap chat and given him the password to my phone so he can check whenever he wants. He checks occasionally and of course there is no cheating or inappropriate conversations. He has been engaging in this bx talking to women the entire relationship so I dont think it will stop - it calms him down to know he always has someone to talk to- someone who cares.

Glad you reached out again -- we're still here 

Can you remind us:

How old is your child?

What's the current parenting time schedule?

What's the current legal custody arrangement?

Do you already have a lawyer?

Any recent change(s) in circumstances?

Yes cynp , you could be right.

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often have lower baseline levels of endorphins, which can lead to chronic dysphoria and an intense, often unconscious, drive to stimulate their own opioid system. Here is some research on that:

The alarming symptoms and self-destructive behaviors of the affected patients may be explained by uncontrollable and unconscious attempts to stimulate their endogenous opioid system (EOS) and the dopaminergic reward system, regardless of the possible harmful consequences.

Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, frequent and risky sexual contacts, and attention-seeking behavior may be explained by attempts to make use of the rewarding effects of human attachment mediated by the EOS.

Self-injury, food restriction, aggressive behavior, and sensation seeking may be interpreted as desperate attempts to artificially set the body to survival mode in order to mobilize the last reserves of the EOS.

BPD-associated symptoms, such as substance abuse, anorexia, self-injury, depersonalization, and sexual overstimulation, can be treated successfully with opioid receptor antagonists.

Source: Borderline personality disorder: A dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system?

Now the link between anger and addiction:

Anger can be an empowering and therapeutic emotion when released in a healthy way, but it can also be addictive. Just like individuals who seek thrills for the adrenaline rush, some people have the same effect from anger. Individuals can become addicted to endorphins they feel when they get angry.
Source: Addiction And Anger Management

Quite a few of us have been through that wringer.  From what has been reported, most of our female ex's (and some male ex's) are overly attached to the children, unusually possessive and thus going back to family court to fix the court order is a challenge.  A few basics:

• Court is more like to act if the interests of the child are the focus.  Court is less concerned with the conflict between the parents.
• Courts expect bickering and assume both parents are at fault.  Try to show the difference, that you are proposing solutions, not the one fomenting divisive conflict and obstruction.
• Often the court will assume the child is used to the existing order.*
• Stick to documentation and provable facts.  Unsubstantiated claims will be viewed as "he said... she said..." hearsay and largely set aside.
• Courts generally ignore allegations older than six months, though perhaps may be acceptable to argue a pattern of behavior.
• Expect delays and continuances but try to move the case along.
• Be clear and concise.  Hearings are quite brief so focus on the most important issues first. **

* In my case, the court did make minimal changes each time back in court but was unwilling to order major adjustments.  My lawyer said it was because the court didn't want to shock the child.  My response was to say it was more shocking not to make substantial changes.  My temp orders started with my ex having temp custody and I had temp alternate weekends.  The final decree two years later was Shared Custody and equal time.  It took six more long years to get an order that worked... when I had both full custody (guardianship) and majority time.  Eight years in all to fix what was obvious within months of our separation.

** At one hearing I had prepared a list of all the issues, grouped by topic.  Only a few of the issues out of a dozen were even discussed before the hearing ended.  My mistake was I didn't list the more crucial issues first.

Hi DonewithBPD ,

Yes, there are people with BPD that can't identify anything wrong in their upbringing. A girl even said she had excellent parents. Anyway, it's very unfair to receive such insults from her, and you don't have to be there for her when she is already an adult.

But now I'll be very honest with you. I don't think I would ever refer to any of my kids as a monster, unless they were really doing heinous crimes of serial killing. Certainly I would never call any of my kids an idiot publicly. If she is not smart, then maybe she has brain damage, which would not be her fault.

This study found that 81% of BPD patients had a history of brain injury (either developmental, acquired, or both), compared to only 22% of control patients with other psychiatric diagnoses.

Also, I would not be angry at my daughter for being a stripper. I would just get worried about her.

Hey MiserareNobis ,

I'm worried about you.

There is one thing I forgot to mention. Boundaries only work if you can enforce them. People tend to think that they will always be able to enforce them because the boundary is about themselves. However, that's not true when you live with a partner who has BPD. Because your partner can just persecute/harass you all night. In such cases I think there are only two options:

a) move out
b) use the police to enforce the boundary (by forcing him out and adding a restraining order).

You didn't say if he is aggressive or not or if he makes you feel threatened, but option B takes care of that. Just don't try to talk to him about a separation, because this will just make things worse and there will be no agreement.

That's what I'm about to do, to move out, unfortunately.

It's going to be tough process but hold onto the ebs and flow of peace that you will feel. Yes loneliness will come too but feeling alone with your lover around is much worse. I had her and my wonderful son leave my house for a few days after she devalued me for feeling depressed because of her before christmas. She stayed at her parents. The peace and productivity i experienced was great. It was hard not seeing my boy though. She learned nothing from the experience. Im getting my divorce ducks in a row.

Hi Pook075 ,

Congratulations for having a good relationship with all of those three people that suffer from BPD. You could even write about it in the success stories thread. But does your daughter live with you? I'm guessing she doesn't.

The whole point of this thread is how to handle it when the pwBPD wants to keep destroying your well-being and they are in the best place to do so, in your bed.

I don't think you can find someone who is living with a BPD partner and is able to make it work using just skills and compassion, because this is impossible. Unless they are under a serious threat of separation. The threat is only taken seriously if it has already happened before forcefully, and it can clearly happen again at any time, forcefully again.

My wife says she suffered a lot on every occasion in which she was away from me. But I think she didn't learn any lesson from those experiences because none of those occasions was a forceful separation.


Yes, being detached can be seen as a boundary, but it doesn't really work when living together, because I'm at a close distance. So she can just keep shouting, cursing, throwing objects at me, using the kids in different ways to provoke me, or throwing stuff in the trash.

But your understanding of her behavior is not precise. What I said about her walking nude and being unwell is not manipulation. It is a genuine and automatic behavior that she does when she feels the need for proximity, even while she is still very angry.

I'm self-sufficient to a point that I don't need her affection. I actually feel relieved when I am a few days away from her. So she isn't able to manipulate me at all, but she can easily turn my life into hell regardless, only because we still live together.

You said "if you don't swoop back in....boom", but that's not true. She has never exploded because I didn't "swoop back in". What I said is the opposite, that she turns down the volume when I'm distant for too long.

After I keep myself detached for many days, she stops getting angry at the flip of a hat and then starts using different tactics. She may sleep on the couch, hoping that I'll feel lonely, may make theatrical acts to make me jealous about other men, or may turn into a kind and lovely wife.

For a very long time, I have been planning to keep myself emotionally distant from her, permanently, but I always end up relaxing and forgetting about it.