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 on: July 10, 2020, 10:09:00 PM  
Started by RolandOfEld - Last post by mart555
I  am worried as well that FOG will start creeping in.  I have set stronger boundaries, but I have never actually followed through with anything like this. 

It will creep in.  Be ready to feel like PLEASE READ. To feel guilty.  Maybe write a few things down, or just print this forum thread.  And if you ever have doubt, read the posts.  The fog will dissipate after.  But it will come back later.  Rinse and repeat. You can do it.

 on: July 10, 2020, 09:57:03 PM  
Started by UBPDHelp - Last post by UBPDHelp
Putting in the effort to work on boundaries is not for him or his benefit -- it's for you and your long-term benefit.

Hi GaGrl,

Thank you for reminding me every time I need it.

I will say at the start of the boundary it feels like it’s for the other person. Once you have the boundary and hold it, it feels like it is for me.

C’est la vie. Lessons are hard sometimes. Still have to learn them...and probably practice them some more.

Thank you!

 on: July 10, 2020, 09:53:51 PM  
Started by UBPDHelp - Last post by UBPDHelp
Have you asked him directly to remove the fast food items (the long term items he has left out)?

No, this was indirect, but too much time passed now so it sits.  

Have you asked him directly for a couple other things he can do around the house?

Yes, it’s hit or miss. He may do it once and then not again. He’s an adult, the garbage needs to go out everyday. I can do it sometimes, but instead do it all the time.

How did the conversation/question go with the kiddos so that they would start stepping up?  How much was you reaching out compared to them spontaneously doing more?

I’ve always asked them to do age appropriate things. Keep their rooms picked up, dishwasher, etc.  I did chores as a kid, I think everyone should pitch in.

When I started my new job I let them know that we all needed to do our part and gave them a run down of the things I check for and asked them to help. Not do it all, but if they see they could sweep, please do. Empty the dishwasher, please do. Fold the towels, please do. And they do help. It makes it more manageable.

H looks out for himself and then even not so great.

Bravo for you letting those items stay right where they are..



Luckily he finished it all or it would really smell by now. It’s ridiculous.  They may petrify...so be it.

Thanks FF

 on: July 10, 2020, 09:44:41 PM  
Started by UBPDHelp - Last post by UBPDHelp

I have been following your story since the beginning.  It's eerie how much it parallels my own at this point in time - the job situation and work ethic, the financial situation, the put-downs, the name calling, the mood cycles, and even the dirty plates and fast food bags.  Currently there is a pile of dirtied pots and pans sitting on the kitchen counter that haven't been cleaned in over 10 weeks because my uBPDh is "protesting" (my guess) his having to cook meals for himself after I resigned from the position of chief cook.  Or who knows, it could be for any of a number of reasons   Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  That's the second time in the past year that it has happened.  I'm also to the stage where I am ready to call it quits, but am currently stuck due to Covid-19. 

I'm sorry that I don't have anything really to offer here, as I am new to the site (been lurking for a while), but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate how open you are with your updates because it helps me to see that I am not alone in dealing with this kind of situation.

Also, many thanks to FF, 'Ducks, GaGirl, Cat and others that have been providing feedback through this process.  It has been helpful to UBPDHelp, myself, and many others.  I've been able to take your advice to UBPDHelp and apply it to my own situation in many cases.

Hi InPurgatory,

Thank you for the reply. I’m happy you found me/us, but, of course, sorry for what brings you here.

I agree...I feel better knowing there are others who have experienced this. This has been a tough journey. I feel like I’ve personally progressed so much and many times feel I have so much further to go.

All the advisors here have been amazing. Every view is covered. Patient guidance and redirection when needed. Seeing things from many sides is helpful. Always my decision, but direct honesty that is needed.

Many times I’ve wished someone would just tell me to run...or what to do. Probably some so I wouldn’t have to make a decision and much because I’ve just struggled to come to terms with it and the impact on my whole family. Struggle I did.

But there has always been someone, often many, to pick me up. Often not what I want to hear but what I NEEDED to hear.

We all get here different ways and for different reasons, but we found each other looking for support and sharing support.

This is an amazing place. You are always welcome to share your story. Sometimes doing so provides a huge amount of relief. A deep breath. And, sharing, at least for me, helped me work through places I was stuck...sorry there were quite a few and some I just couldn’t let go of.

If you’re up for it, or when you are, please start a thread to share your story. Whatever you are comfortable with. I have survived much of the last few months because so many people helped me. I want you to have that same level of support. No pressure, just give it some thought.

I don’t know how much of my story you’ve read...it’s pretty bad, embarrassing, horrific and just all around awful.  No one batted an eye or uttered one thing to make me more ashamed or embarrassed. Quite the contrary. My point is, if I couldn’t make them blush, it’s a pretty safe place.

Again no pressure.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

 on: July 10, 2020, 08:27:07 PM  
Started by capucino - Last post by capucino
Thank you very much! I read your response right away, I read it over and over again during these weeks but I felt too tired and beaten up to respond.

He left both the therapy and the meds a year ago to the best of our knowledge or maybe more, before he had a chance to hear about his diagnosis. So, there is noone to talk about when he will learn it. So, the question is if he will ever learn it. In "Stop Walking on Eggshells", we saw three points for not revealing the diagnosis and one of them made perfect sense.It says if the BPD knows, he can abuse the diagnosis to get away with his actions and get rid of his responsibilities. This fits him so much.

The thing is we learnt the diagnosis by asking. We directly asked "Does he have BPD" and they didn't refute it, nor did they went around it. The answer was a direct yes by both of them. Both were professors at an Ivy League university, so we decided to count on them for this but he withdrew himself from the therapy.

It's just been 1.5 months and there already were many times that I considered leaving my boyfriend with whom I had no problems over four years. Today, we were alone for a little time with my boyfriend and I had a chance to talk to him personally. I told him how tired I was, and I no longer know what to do. I'm being manipulated. He is not angry with me, he believes he is the victim and begs me to cook for him. I can normally say no but the begging make things hard. He has seen the begging work so he is exploiting that strategy now.

I was definitely looking for advice. I always am. The thing is what I read from the books are very vague to me. I understand the general guidelines but I can't figure out for each case. It's usually too late when I figure out what to say, if I can figure out at all.

 on: July 10, 2020, 07:57:26 PM  
Started by RolandOfEld - Last post by Frankee
I picked up on this thread because I have a phone interview on Tuesday with the DA to talk about filing a protective order.  She picked up the application pretty fast once it was submitted and I am hoping that it is a good sign.  I am worried as well that FOG will start creeping in.  I have set stronger boundaries, but I have never actually followed through with anything like this.  Hoping to see what others say.

 on: July 10, 2020, 07:38:37 PM  
Started by ov3rwh3lmed21 - Last post by ov3rwh3lmed21
Panda- I have been eagerly clicking on all the links you shared. I'd never even heard of JADE before but thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to explain it to me with examples from my post. This community is so awesome and I am already learning so much.  With affection (click to insert in post)

 on: July 10, 2020, 07:36:32 PM  
Started by ov3rwh3lmed21 - Last post by ov3rwh3lmed21
Methuen- Wow, such a heartfelt post. I really feel I can relate to your struggle with your mother. I've often wondered too whether many of my mom's health conditions are psychosomatic. She meets any suggestion that stress may be a trigger for her physically with a firm rebuttal, however.

I love how you called your mother out by suggesting immediately that she go to the doctor. It has actually never occurred to me to be that direct....isn't it strange how much enmeshment can cripple our ability to see things objectively? I am still at the very beginning of figuring out how to set boundaries. Guilt is my #1 enemy, especially since my father has passed on and my mom's current partner provides little to no emotional support. Since I was 15 I have been parentified and I feel like she has no one else. But hearing your story makes me feel less alone.

In the past I've taken pride in being able to meet my mom's emotional needs. But in the few instances I've had to take some time for myself, the reaction has been brutal. She once said that I had undone fifteen years of her being a strong, single parent, all because I needed some boundaries. I get the sense that you are confused by your mom's behavior and I share that feeling with my own. I get so many mixed messages. She says I ruin our vacations together with my "anger," but then excitedly sends me texts about planning our next trip together. It really is like there are two sides to her.

And yes, she often said when I was younger (teenaged) that I felt like a mother to her (or that I was her mother in a past life). I never knew whether to take that as a compliment or feel really weird about it. Mixed emotions again...

 on: July 10, 2020, 07:20:34 PM  
Started by Help me cope - Last post by start_again
Have you ever experienced having your gift thrown in the garbage – this is a birthday event that has been going on for a few.  i keep coming back for more years now
 I usually get the IOU for gifts and the IOU is never fulfilled.  Still waiting on the 2019 Christmas gift...  I set the bar really low so I don’t’ have any expectations and this way I won’t get hurt. 

What is up with the holidays this past 4th of July went to see the in-laws small gathering.  The next day I get the silent treatment and eventually found out that my wife had a problem with me going to the library, shopping by myself the day before.  Too many times she has flipped out at me in public so I try to do shopping without her.  Funny thing is she denies she ever does it – now it is whatever no point in arguing with her since I can’t finish a sentence without her interrupting me.  Maybe it is not the holiday I get the flip outs from her all the time for stuff I don’t even know what she is talking about…

 on: July 10, 2020, 07:19:31 PM  
Started by Fyreb1rd - Last post by formflier

Do you guys ever have sessions that are "joint" or for purposes of the marriage?

I can totally imagine how frustrating it must be for you to be in "his" session and not see him "getting" the right stuff.  Have you ever discussed this with the therapist?

What do you think is the best way forward?



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