Oh and just a questionI have related to spouses with BPD being stunted: I find my H is also like a child in the sense that he doesn't take the initiative to do basic tasks and responsibilities.
For example, he doesn't make sure the doors to our house are locked at night, if our faucet breaks he literally won't even call a plumber and just leaves it for months (i eventually deal but I leave it for a while to test my theory, it's like it doesn't even cross his mind), or on the weekend do the regular things that need to get done before the week (groceries, laundry, etc), not going to the dr when he has a bad rash, avoiding the dentist for years (not a money issue), or another weird one is his phone is barely working and it is critical for his job but he just complains about it every day for months and doesn't buy himself a new one even though he can afford it and the phone store is a block from his office. I find this mind boggling. Do other ppl have this experience or is it just particular to my H?
I try not to get involved in the things I can avoid like the phone situation but many other things I just have to submit to being responsible for because they are a safety issue or the result of not doing them would negatively impact the kids (ie no groceries for lunches.) It's hard to understand how he is so successful at work when this is how he operates behind the scenes.
I used to get angry and lecture but after figuring out he may have BPD I kind of assumed this might be related and just stopped getting angry and accepted these are limitations... but it sure is exhausting when you have 2 kids and a full time job.
I have it too. The four major relationships of my adult life: 1 CPTSD/alcoholic, another alcoholic, an Asperger's and a BPD. I love pain! Guess its my traumatic childhood with uBPD mom, because really, I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like and would probably walk right past it if it came to greet me. Keeping my nose to the grindstone in therapy while I work on this thing, too scared to do anything but window shop yet because clearly I am not good for myself. 
