I would no longer waste my time or money on a therapist that clearly doesn’t know what’s she’s doing. It’s actually shocking to me that she allows that type of behavior during a session! I’m so sorry you experienced that and hope you can find a more appropriate person to work with.

First time posting to this group/topic- I have posted in the bettering relationship post a couple times- I feel this group is more appropriate for this new development in my 2 year relationship. I live with a male borderline and we just had a baby girl 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other children who live with us full time from my previous relationship (age 5 & 8). Our baby is his first child. The relationship has reached a point where it has become intolerable for myself and my children. He isolates himself to our bedroom and I'm forced to isolate myself to the living room and sleep on the couch most nights. The bedroom is pretty much inaccessible because he's sleeping early for work. He fights with me almost daily and forces the kids to hear his rants. He is talking to other women online on dating websites and lists himself as single. He calls my children little assholes, tells them they eat too much, comments on all of their behaviors. He can't tolerate any affection between myself and my children he tells them to stop touching me or get away from me "you're not a baby". He won't allow me to spend any quality time with my children without anger and outbursts. They are so anxious they constantly ask me if he is home or not. He does not know how to parent them and while he tries he says inappropriate things and especially targets my 5 yr old whom he hates. She is the "BAD" one. He rejects me and gives me the silent treatment. He has been verbally abusive to me at times. He refuses to contribute financially in anyway and then complains that there isn't good dinner or foods he likes.

I have asked him to stay somewhere else several times now and a constant cycle repeats where he says he will leave "in a few days" but he never leaves. I have told him we are not breaking up which is true this is just a first step for me -but just physically separating. He still sees it as breaking up - must be all or nothing.  He refuses to leave and I DO NOT have anywhere else I can go- I cannot afford a hotel even for a week or a few days- I have no family support or friends and I refuse to put my children through more chaos and change in their environment. We rent our home and both our names are on the lease however I pay the rent - he has never paid any rent or portion of it. Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.

Hi there, I am new here. My husband has BPD I feel, in fact I would bet my bottom dollar he is BPD.  He is emotioanlly imature, impulse control issues, depressed, angry, has abused alcohol, etc. He routinely makes social gatherings  uncomfortbale and denial is a super hero in his family. He is also ACOA, but claims his birth family is normal. I involve myself with as many outside activities as possible. I try to enjoy his company when he is mentally present, calm and cordial. I know I was co-dependent, I married him a year after losing both parents and my half brother (14 years older than me) was an emotional terrorist growing up (also BPD or NPD), Im sure I normalized unhealthy behaviors I saw growing up and got attached to someone with BPD. My question is how do you stay calm when they react so inappropriately? Ex: Tonight my spouse said he was happy to not have to go to work tomorrow, I said "your mom has appointment with cardiologist", he became enraged. I tried to remind him I had a conversation with him last week about the appointment, I offered then to take his mom to her appointment tomorrow, he declined saying "i got it". Tonight he became offended I said she had an appointment, accused me of trying to sabotage his time off, denied she had the appointment because it is MLK Day. I pushed saying she would be expecting a ride to the doctor appointment and I was no longer available as have work conflict now. I know there will not be accountability for his over reaction, he will justify, etc. How do I stay calm and remind myself in the moment what he's doing reflects only on him? How do I not take the bait to engage him and stoop down to his level? I am good about it most of the time but when his responses are so off the charts I feel if I don't push back he will spin further out the next time. I will admit I have considered divorce, when he is awful I know I deserve better. I worry about getting an illness in old age and having to depend on him, he is emotionally shallow. We have been married 26 years and for 26 years I have dealt with his issues. The people I know who have gone through gray divorces have expressed regret, or other struggles of similar stress levels, so I feel why put myself through that if I can vacate and live my life but just under the same roof.

Hi! And many thanks for your reply. My daughter had been in Counceling for a short time when I was divorcing her father. The Therapist attributed her behavior to depression and she was put on an antidepressant at 17. Within a month of taking it she found herself pregnant. She had been on birth control. She’s a great Mom. Seems to have all the patience in the world with her kids. It seems the closer we get the more she targets me. She’s gone thru a divorce this past year-so a lot of stress and anxiety, uncertainty. I’ve always been there for her but I can never do it “right”. I’m aware kids are often hardest on their mom but the emotional stress is really starting to wear me down. I’m 67. My boys say she’s just manipulative and selfish…

Hi Anonymous22 ,

I have read some of your past messages. It seems like things have gotten worse, and now you are separated, right?

I think that living separately gives you the best opportunity to work out your conflict. By using boundaries to prevent yourself from reacting, you must try to make your conversations positive, and then hopefully you'll be able to have useful interactions (in which he is not dysregulated).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like in your post you were taking the "I love you" as a possible sign of being cured of his anger? Wasn't that being said frequently when you both lived together? It should.

Please keep in mind that if he has BPD or any other personality disorder, the DV therapy won't fix that. This therapy is only intended to make them reflect on their actions and hopefully feel guilty and accountable. It's just trying to make them see and rethink what they did and how that affects their relationships. But if his pattern comes from a personality disorder, it won't change so easily. There are many subtle ways of being abusive that do not get him in trouble with the law.

If you remain separated, I hope you can gradually resolve all of your conflicts before attempting to live together again.

Thank you Sancho, those are great tips that I'll try practicing.  I used to carry my cell phone with me wherever I was and look at my phone whenever I heard it ping.  I've begun leaving it on a table and doing my chores or whatever without it tethered to me. If I'm driving I don't pull over to answer it. It's hard for me but I'm trying.  My ds is doing well at the moment and that helps. Yes, he does want to talk when he's in a panic to help him regulate.
Baby steps but I'm moving forward. 

Hi JC. Everyone here can relate to your situation. There are some common threads that everyone shares and others just don't "get" because they've never been hit by it. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm not the best person here for giving advice, I'm always here to find some, and yes, to vent. Like you, I'm constantly being told I'm "gaslighting". It's so frustrating when the only response someone has when faced with objective facts is to say you are gaslighting them. It's enough to drive you crazy. It's never explaining how what you said that's wrong, or how they see it differently...... it's "gaslighting"! My daughter doesn't want to face her diagnosis even though it was a long time coming and many a therapist, doctor etc. tried to steer her in the right direction over the past 6 years in effort to avoid it, with no cooperation. Unlike your daughter, mine (19) was totally normal by everyone's account until she hit puberty/middle school.....and that's when things went totally off the rails. Has your daughter ever been evaluated or gone into therapy of any kind? Just wondering if any mental health professionals have ever been involved and have indicated that theres a "problem" since she wouldn't take it well hearing it from you.

Run away lots of love bombing 5 mo in

Hi All. Sorry for another post so quickly. I know you all have problems of your own and I feel bad for even coming here again. I just want to swing something past you to check myself on something. Family therapy. Abbreviated back story is that I've been not only open to it for years, but have been the one pushing for it. The ongoing problem has been that my daughter refuses to adhere to basic rules of communication that keep the space safe for everyone and ensure that the general environment is conducive to healing and collective problem solving.... the purpose of family therapy. Going back years prior to her diagnosis, various therapists clearly established the "rules", and the importance of those rules were underscored in DBT sessions. Nonetheless, to date, my daughter won't even acknowledge that there should be rules of communication that apply to her, and she NEVER adheres to them in "therapy", so nothing can even begin to get resolved. It ends up being just another opportunity for her to come after me verbally.

Most recently we've been working with a so called family therapist online through a platform called Grow Therapy. After many sessions starting and continuing the same way....with my daughter using foul language, elevated tone and volume, and no sign of being there for any purpose other than to blame and dodge any personal accountability for anything, I started to not make these sessions a priority. The past couple sessions I didn't attend due to having other things scheduled, and my daughter took them alone. So late this afternoon I got a call from my daughter. I answered and she asked in a hostile tone if I was going to get on the therapy session, which I didn't even know was scheduled. She's technically the client. I calmly told her I would, and asked her to send me the link. So...... after I logged on, I just sat there. I didn't say a word, waiting for my daughter or the therapist to talk first. After a brief silence by all of us, the therapist said "okay, so I don't know how either one of you would like to start?" or something like that. Immediately my daughter started yelling, using foul language, and was demanding that I provide her with some answers pertaining to my reaction to her pregnancy. She wasn't even posing anything as a question. It was a "how dare you say this", "who do you think you are" kind of thing. So..... I sat there silently for a minute as the punching bag session started and then calmly interjected telling the therapist that I would be discontinuing the session. With that representation my daughter escallated to an immediate wail of a cry, saying "NO!!!!!", but I just ended the call the logged off. So far I haven't heard back from her, except to say via text that my not staying on the call only "proved" that I don't want to be "accountable". I haven't responded to that text.

So there's a couple things here from my perspective. First, this particular  "therapist" has never once intervened in toxic communications that are clearly the "norm" and can be nothing but counterproductive to any kind of relationship therapy , BPD aside. Not once has she attempted to take control in a session when it's clearly not "therapeutic" to anyone. She has never tried to lay down some "rules", although my daughter has been versed in them many times before, over many years by other therapists. It's like as long as my daughter keeps booking appointments and the therapist is getting her paycheck (which at this point comes from Medicaid), she's just going to keep showing up and doing/saying nothing but watching someone be out of control. I really have no respect for that. Secondly, I have shown my daughter over the course of many years that I want to address any issues she has with me, and given that this can never happen 1 on 1, I've kept trying the "family therapy" route with her. She has been informed by me many times over the past year or so especially that I would not participate unless she adheres to some rules that apply to both of us. This is not the first time I calmly discontinued a call.

I'm trying to hold to a healthy boundary for her good as well as my own. If abusive communications shouldn't be tolerated, why would that go out the window because she books a "therapy" session? Especially when the therapist doesn't have any competency with BPD and exhibits that she's not even trying to control of the session. Please let me know if any of you see this differently and if I'm off base with something. All circumstances considered, should I have stayed on the call or at least stayed on longer? Should I have said something more than I did? Any thoughts are appreciated.

Hi Pastaforever ,

I'm going through old messages that didn't get a reply.

I'm afraid that this board is not appropriate for those with a BPD diagnosis, since it could have triggering content. However, you said you have been in remission for a few years, after a 7-year treatment, right? So I'm not sure...

Your question about "how much gender affects bpd" suggests this is an opposite-sex relationship? I'm guessing the general aspects of men apply here. Men are less communicative and have more difficulty letting go of their emotions. Therefore, they could have more anger issues but at the same time would be more fearful of the consequences, because they could easily end up in jail.

How have things been going since you posted?