Well it looks like your therapy training has given you some insight into your own situation.  The way I see things, your husband is getting worse because you have a young child, and as you wrote, your attention has been necessarily diverted towards the baby.  You see, pwBPD are triggered by feelings of abandonment and can get upset whenever 100% of your attention isn't on them, even if the reason is you're busy with his own baby!  I suspect there's a little regression going on too.  He sees the baby gets your attention when she fusses and cries, and he does the exact same thing.

On these boards I've seen references to pwBPD lacking "object constancy," the ability to maintain a stable, positive emotional connection with a person even when they are absent or when they feel angry/frustrated with them, understanding they are a whole person with both good and bad qualities.  For pwBPD,  object constancy seems to be a challenge, as their black-and-white thinking dominates.  So if you leave, or you're busy with something, or you're tending to your precious daughter, your husband assumes the worst.  He might think, you don't love him and don't pay enough attention to him anymore.  In short, you are not meeting his needs!  And by the way, it's all YOUR FAULT for making him feel this way.  I think that's what your husband means when he's hitting himself.  YOU are the one who unleashed these negative emotions inside him.  He has been displaced and upstaged by his own kid.  It's sad, but it sounds like inside he has the emotional maturity of about a toddler.  At the end of the day, he is extremely insecure, and he has unending emotional needs for your constant attention and reassurance.

In my opinion, if your husband is actually violent--bruising himself, threatening to use a knife--I think you need to call 911.  You used the word "violent," and that's why I'm writing this.  You have a young daughter to think about, it's a very small escalation to turn his aggressions onto her and you.  In my opinion, you need to have a firm boundary when it comes to violence, and call 911 straight away.  One would hope that one single call to 911 would teach your husband that violence isn't allowed in your home, and violence would be off the table.  If he doesn't learn, I think you have to seriously consider the safety of your daughter.

As for shouting and obscenities in the home, while it's certainly not ideal, it does happen, even in families without any mental illness.  In my opinion the rule for me would be, no shouting or obscenities in front of the children.  If he started a scene, I'd remind him of the rule, try to steer him outside or out of earshot, or possibly leave the scene with the child under my wing, maybe go for a walk, a drive, a trip to the library.  With some luck he'd have time to calm down during this "adult time out."

Well, welcome, and sorry you're going through this.  We all went through our own journeys of understanding and resolution in a way, whether the person in our life was our spouse, partner, BF/GF or a family member.  Even some who aren't directly in contact with the pwBPD post here, such is the nature of the disorder that it upsets entire families, and even affects new step-moms and step-dads who's current partner has an ex that is BPD.

I think it's important to stay calm and realize that your feelings and understanding are going to take time to form here, and are going to be influenced by not only what you read and learn, but what you continue to experience.

One thing to prioritize as you decide your path is your daughter's needs, safety, and development.  Whatever you decide to do, you have to make that decision understanding your obligation there as a parent.  And you have to understand that you're the only "adult" in the home capable of making these decisions for her.  You're basically on your own, when your partner has BPD; they are incapable of putting their own children's needs in front of their feelings and emotions in the moment. 

Good luck and I've found it's helpful to post here, and read other threads too, in that others' experiences can often inform our own and lead to other insights that help you recover. 

How did your husband handle his own diagnosis?

The biggest thing you have to remember- this isn't your fault.

And I know you probably understand that, but you actually have to KNOW IT as a fact and let it really sink in.  Absolutely none of this is your fault and you've done nothing wrong.  As parents, we do the best we can in challenging situations.  It rarely works out like we plan and we learn as we're doing it.  You weren't perfect because no parent is, but you continued to try and delivered everything you could.

So I'll say it again, this is not your fault.

Next, it's not 100% your son's fault either.  He knows there's mental illness but his viewpoint is so warped, he lashes out at those closest to him whenever he's in pain.  That's literally so common with BPD- the more they need you, the more you see the dysfunction and abusive behavior.  It's really sad and I want to help just as much as you do, but our version of help often becomes enablement.  That's why everything always backfires, the mental illness tells your son that you owe it to him for not being a better mom.

But I'll say again, this is not your fault.  You were not a bad mom.  He's sick and doesn't think clearly at times.

The sooner you accept this one fact, the sooner you can take a breath of relief and realize that it's time for you to heal.  That actually makes you a better parent because you'll gain more patience, more understanding, and more compassion.  But at the same time, your eyes will be opened to what's actually happening here.

I hope that helps.  One last time, this is not your fault.  You have to let that part go entirely.

Hi SuperDaddy,

I am sorry to hear that things have esscaleted so much that you have decided to move out. Are you planing to separate or staying a couple that does not live together? Do you wish your moving out will be a wake up call for your wife to start behaving better? I wish you all the best, as we talked before and in this threat, this could end up being a wake up call and boundaries might be enforced better. I see that you are naturally worrying about your wife‘s mental health if you move out, but please put the children and yoursef first, do what you have to do to protect yourself. Sometimes BPDs are able to take better care of themselves when they have to…

Hi SuperDaddy,

I just had an idea for your situation: tell your wife that you feel compelled to move out (or that she has to move out) and that you will live in separate flats if she does not get her outbursts under control within a certain period of time (I don't know how long you could put up with it).

I also suspect that a physical separation will trigger her massively. With my partner, simply refusing to even try living together in the same flat is enough. When he is in a dysregulated state, he keeps bringing up the subject and makes it clear to me that he can see that I am not interested in growing together and having a “proper” relationship.

At the same time, unfortunately, there is no sign of ‘growth’ or ‘development’ on his part.
I could imagine, SuperDaddy, that in a case like yours, self-protection takes precedence.
The question is whether a physical separation would lead to a total breakdown of the relationship for her.

But the fact that you are raising the issue here shows that it seems to be weighing heavily on your mind. How do you generally feel about living with her? How often do her outbursts occur and how long do you dwell on them each time it happens?

I have read all the posts here about validation and the suggestions for setting boundaries, and I can only say from my own experience that it doesn't work for my nervous system – even though I don't live with him. Validating his extreme emotions at a moment when he is not only yelling at me but also hurting me verbally in the worst possible way feels like betraying myself. All I can do is politely and objectively point out that this behaviour is unacceptable to me and that he now has the chance to calm down, or I will leave until he has calmed down. I always have to leave. He cannot calm down in my presence. Having two flats is a blessing.

When you're ready to dig deeper into the whys and wherefors of these complicated relationship triangles (victim, persecutor, rescuer) you can research the Karpman Triangle (and this general triangulation topic too) which can explain a lot of what you're experiencing.

What a wonderfully written and thoughtful post.  I really needed this, however long ago it was. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

Hi mitochondrium ,


The way you interact is certainly very important, and it is what will help your partner to gain some self-control by not feeding into his drama. However, due to the lack of major consequences, his behavior can get worse over time, like a growing monster. When that happens, the only thing that will put a limit on your partner's behavior is the fear of a major consequence that they ultimately want to avoid. And that must be an objective loss, such as the loss of child custody or being put in jail. If you used the police threat 3 times in 8 years, that seems enough to remind him of the possible consequences, which could affect him in many ways. He could lose his job, he could be forced to stay away from you for many months, or he could sleep in jail with other felons. I'm guessing he can't avoid thinking about those possibilities when he snaps and gets angry.

Likewise, if your partner goes through deep pain after you move away for a long period and you have made it clear that your withdrawal was due to their aggressive behavior, then they will fear this from happening again, so they will avoid behaviors that are clearly going to make you move away again.

But a separation takes a lot of work and time, and it may be hard for them to get the message right. On the other hand, the threat of calling police is much easier to understand and can be done effortlessly.

I'm convinced that not living together is my only choice, but unfortunately the expectation is that this will be catastrophic for her, making her mental health much worse, just like it happened 2 years ago.

Hi Mom,

I have a mantra which precedes my exposure to a loved one with BPD:  It's not time to worry yet.  In other words, I try not to worry about things that haven't even happened.  An example might be getting a biopsy--I'll tell myself, it's not time to worry yet; I'll worry only when I hear the word malignant.  Now that's easier said than done, especially when it comes to BPD behaviors, but when I repeat the mantra, it does feel comforting.  The mantra doesn't mean I refuse to make plans and or face reality.  It just means I try not to worry about things I have no control over until they are actually happening.

To apply it to you and son, when your son complains that his utilities might be cut off, you could invoke the mantra, because the utilities haven't even been cut off yet.  From a place of calmness, you could ask him what he thinks his options are to deal with the situation.  In the moment, he might be all riled up and won't be able to think straight.  But if you are reassuring (you're smart, you'll figure something out, you've done so in the past), he might surprise you.  When he has calmed down, he might say, he could call the utility and negotiate a partial and/or late payment, and try to get a refund on any late fee.  He might sell something he's no longer using.  He might work overtime.  He might borrow money from a friend.  He might ask his employer for an advance.  He might look for a roommate to share expenses.  He might become a part-time Uber driver.  He might pet-sit for friends on the weekend for extra money.  In my experience with a loved one with BPD, when given extra time and space to calm down and figure things out, she has surprised me with her creative solutions to problems.

Anyway, it sounds like you are on the right track in focusing on managing your own anxiety.  It sounds like your son needs a calming influence, not someone who feeds his dysregulated emotions.  Plus, you deserve to enjoy some peace too.

Hi again Win,

Well I haven't been in your situation and probably can't anticipate all the issues, but I can say a few things about my BPD stepdaughter when she was a young adult which might provide some perspective.

First off, I'm pretty sure my stepdaughter told others that she had an abusive childhood and that her family was toxic, even if the fact patterns didn't line up.  Thus my guess is that your daughter is probably making you out to be some sort of uncaring/abusive/mean/controlling/narcissistic monster to her boyfriend.  Right now she probably views her boyfriend as a knight in shining armor (all white), while you are the wicked witch (all black).  I guess it's unsurprising to me that her boyfriend hasn't spoken openly with you about upcoming plans.  He might be avoiding you, and your daughter might compel him to stay away from you, just so she can maintain the running narrative.  If the boyfriend were to spend any significant time with you, he might catch your daughter in a lie!  My guess is, the more insecure your daughter is in the relationship, the less you'll see her husband, because she won't want him to learn the truth and start to doubt her . . .

Secondly, I believe that my BPD stepdaughter's disordered behaviors prevented her from learning basic "adulting" skills.  People around her were walking on eggshells.  Her parents tended to jump in, fix things and take care of her, either to "rescue" her, or just make her life easier, in the name of keeping her stable and avoiding meltdowns.  With so much "interference," my stepdaughter didn't face the natural consequences of her own decisions, and her incentives were all mixed up.  It could be that your daughter's boyfriend is currently playing that "fixer/savior" role.

In my stepdaughter's case, she spent most of her early adult life in a state of avoidance.  She felt she couldn't handle life, and as a result, she stayed in her room for weeks on end, a self-imposed prison sentence.  I think she was so afraid of messing up that she avoided life altogether.  She didn't view everyday mistakes as opportunities to learn, but rather as personal utter failures.  Her negative thinking meant catastrophizing every little setback, making her believe her life was over.

Unfortunately, in practice what starts to happen with this negative thinking is that pwBPD miss out on some formative life experiences.  In the case of my stepdaughter, she missed out on getting some experience with entry-level jobs.  She wasn't responsible for any bills, not even her phone.  She didn't take care of her car, her dad did.  She didn't arrange to get her own transponder, her dad got it for her.  She didn't pay for her own parking tickets.  She didn't make her own doctors' appointments.  She didn't apply for internships.  She didn't file her taxes.  She didn't buy groceries or prepare meals (she only got take-out).  She didn't volunteer.  When she broke her phone, she cried for a new one, and her dad got it for her.  When she tried to attend college, she didn't participate in any extracurricular activities.  She didn't pursue any hobbies (unless scrolling social media and watching TV count as hobbies).  She didn't perform any chores whatsoever in the household.  She didn't even hang up her own bath towel to dry.  Though she signed a lease, she didn't know its terms because her dad took care of the rent and utilities payments.  Etc., etc.  Over time, a few things happen:  She lacks a sense of identity.  She feels overwhelmed by life.  She lacks core competencies.  She doesn't feel responsible for anything.  She doesn't feel needed, a part of a team, a part of a family, part of a friend group.  She doesn't feel important.  She doesn't feel knowledgeable, capable or powerful.  She doesn't have a daily routine involving any combination of work/study/volunteerism.  She doesn't have a network of friends, and she doesn't get invited to do fun things either.  She can't figure out how to solve problems.  She feels overly dependent and starts to resent it.  Without the rigid structure of high school, she feels rudderless, and stuck at that age, while her peers seem to move effortlessly into the adulting stage.  At the end of the day, she is utterly clueless about the administrative side of life:  how much things cost, how to pay a bill, what a lease is, what insurance is, how credit cards work, how to call to make an inquiry or appointment, how to do a job interview.  She starts to be paralyzed by fear--fear of the future, fear of being exposed for the fraud she thinks she is.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that because you have probably been taking care of the financial and administrative side of your adult daughter's life, she might be absolutely clueless about economic realities.  Right now, she doesn't worry one bit, because she's never had to make economic choices under a constrained budget, let alone go without.  You do all the worrying and bill paying for her!  Did your daughter pay any part of tuition, even if it were a nominal amount, such as 5%?  My guess is, probably not.  The thing is, over time, there's a real risk that your daughter will RESENT you for making her feel needy/behind/incompetent.  And when economic reality hits her, the blow will feel overwhelming.  Guess who she'll blame for that?

Now, I understand that many parents want to support their kids, financially and logistically, to make their kids' lives easier, mostly so they can get a great education and enjoy life while they are still young.  But I think that with BPD, there are some disordered thinking patterns which lead kids not to appreciate the support, and they don't sieze the opportunities afforded them, because their priorities are all mixed up.  They're hijacked by emotional dysregulation, which gets in the way of learning to plan, manage their time effectively, solve problems, overcome obstacles and resolve conflicts.  My opinion is, they need extra practice, extra patience, and lots and lots of encouragement.  But the incentives have to be right.  Because when you're paying for everything, it doesn't matter one bit that you want your daughter to get a part-time job.  Why on earth would she do that, when she gets everything she needs from you and her boyfriend?  She'll only get a part-time job when she needs to get one.  She's not going to do it because she feels obligated or indebted to you.  You see, she thinks YOU owe HER.

Good luck.