Hi Pook075,
Thanks for your response. Yes, my GF and I have met in person twice, for many weeks. My GF is indeed in the Philippines. I am quite familiar with the tendency of Filipinas to ask for financial support. I don't mind supporting my GF since after some months, we made a decision to marry so it seemed appropriate for me to support her. Have you moved to the Philippines indefinitely? Are there other "red flags" that I should be aware of?
Interesting that we have similar stories... It's a small world!

I'm so sorry this is going on -- I really understand that when BPD is in a family system, the stress is not just on your relationship with your pwBPD, but on every relationship.

It makes sense that you'd feel shocked and shaken after the incident with your husband. It is possible that you'll need a bit of time to get back down to a baseline after that. I hope you can allow yourself to know you don't have to solve or figure out everything right now. Take care of immediate needs now (personal safety, emotional care), then later you can decide what you want to do about bigger decisions (do you stay in the marriage).

In terms of immediate needs, can you remind me if you have a therapist or counselor? If so, many of them will support you with additional or last minute appointments for a crisis (I had to call my therapist at 10pm once).

If not, have you ever used the 988 or 741741 help/crisis hotlines? I believe you can text or call, whichever is most comfortable for you. You are in control on the call and can talk for as long as you need to, or hang up at any time. Do you think you could try one of those and let us know how it goes?

Longer term, you can think about calling a DV hotline. I had to do that once, too. They are very calm, nonjudgmental, and informed and will be willing to just listen to you, understand your situation and talk through options and ideas. They won't pressure you into doing anything, it's just info and a listening ear. They may be able to help you come up with a "safety plan" for now.

CG4ME, I hear the overwhelm, shock, and exhaustion in your post. It's so understandable given what you've been coping with for so long. I hope you can try a support resource like a hotline and then share with us how that goes for you. We'll be here listening too.

A few quick questions.  You've been dating for years and she's on the other side of the world.  Have you ever met in person?  And do you have plans to visit her, or have her visit you?

The reason I'm asking is to see how the relationship progresses past the point it's at right now if you can work past these challenges.

I met my current wife on an international Christian dating site, and I'm currently living with her in the Philippines.  So it sounds like our stories are similar but I don't want to assume.  There are many red flags to international dating and them asking for support is at the top of the list.

Wow, it sounds like so much escalated so fast in your relationships.  That's a lot to deal with at once.

Before talking about anyone else though, how are you feeling?  You mentioned that you felt like you were starting to feel suicidal over all of this.  Has that feeling passed?  Do you have anyone you can reach out to talk about those feelings?  I just want to make sure you are able to get help.

Thanks to all of you who responded to my post from earlier in the week. You have opened my eyes to many possibilities of causes of her behavior and my possible responses.
She and I live 7000 miles away at the present time. Her ongoing accusations are that I have a relationship with one of her neighbors and also with one of her sisters who lives in her vicinity. In fact, I have never met either of them and my GF knows this. She also accuses me of financially supporting these ladies. In fact, the only person outside my family that I support is my GF since in her area of residence, the job market is depressed and the prevailing wages are low. My GF also knows that I am a one-woman man and have no interest in complicating my life by having relationships with anyone else. Besides, I am 76, all of my energy is taken up my work, and talking to my GF for multiple hours every day.
I did fall head over heels in love with her when we first met. Her attention to me was extremely flattering and fits descriptions given in books on BPD. Unfortunately, I knew nothing of BPD or other personality disorders at the time.
You have given me some terrific insights and I will be working to incorporate your suggestions in my actions and behavior going forward. Thank you, than you!

Hi 13Bfmv13 ,

Since you are presenting lots of complaints against him here in the board, it's likely that you display those frustrations for him as well. Maybe not with your words, but certainly with your facial expressions. Maybe with your eyebrows? Anyway, he will capture your feelings, and the interaction will be invalidating, regardless. So this is probably why he retreated so much. I'm not blaming you. It's just how the disorder works.

This is the same reason why he refuses to accept treatment and defensively states that there is nothing wrong with him. In his eyes, you are making him feel worse because, in his perception, you are constantly judging and criticizing him. If you aren't lovable and radically accepting of him for a split second, then he will assume you were judging him instead. And if you want to regain his "trust," then it may take a lot of repair effort on your part.

The way you think about his emotional disorder and how you approach the topic is critical for how he reacts to it. If he feels accused, he will deny it and say the opposite. However, if he feels like you are worried about him and are compassionately trying to help, then he will feel accepted.

For instance, with my current wife, it was obvious that she had BPD, but I didn't want that to be true, so I denied it for myself. When I finally accepted it and communicated it to her, I was really sad about it and told her I didn't want that to be true, but that we should accept it. Soon I started sharing some material with her about it, and she became curious, so she asked her therapist to be diagnosed, and it was confirmed.

With my ex-wife, however, I didn't like her so much, and I was inexperienced, so I made her feel judged. Therefore, she never accepted the label, even though she has about all 9 symptoms and DBT was the only therapy that she liked.

Things just seem to be getting worse.  My daughter sent me another awful text.  I had sent her a text saying I loved her and I hope she was doing well and I get a response with judgments, accusations and ultimatums.  I showed my husband the text and I told him how upset I was and that this situation is starting to make me feel suicidal. Rather than comfort and console me he started to rationalize her behaviour and asked me in an arrogant tone, "Do you want to have a relationship with her or not?" I got angry because he started to suggest that he wasn't part of this and I felt so betrayed because this started because he has been triangulating with her (sharing his feelings with her and leaning on her for emotional support during his recent medical crisis), which I believe empowered  her to treat me poorly) . I yelled at him to stop rationalizing and he came at me in a rage and pinned me down on the couch and held my arms down and straddled my legs so I couldn't move. I was in shock and pushed him away. He was visibly angry and he told me to stop using "psychological words." When I asked him why he did that he said he was scared I was going to hurt myself (he needed to make himself believe that but I did not see someone who was scared - lack of accountability). I told him coming at me in anger is what you do to someone who is in crisis? Punching your open hand with your fist is how you show me your scared? I have come to believe over the years that he has a personality disorder but he refuses to get councilling.  Now the stress with my daughter and my distress has caused him to lose control and I have a whole other layer of pain to deal with. First my daughters (one with BPD the other OCD and undiagnosed NPD) cutting me off now my husband abusing me.  How much can one person take? Now I am having to set boundaries with him to stay safe and I feel uncomfortable in my own home.  He has grabbed me by the arms and shaken me once before when the children were young and they witnessed that and I know it hurt them but I was too afraid to leave the marriage then.  I feel my marriage is no longer salvagable and if I leave him I risk losing my daughters because they will blame me for the rupture and may never want to have a relationship with me again. Is there anyway out of this situation?  Any advice?

Your layout rings true: something sets it off, the surge comes, you check what's real, and things settle again. It's your mind trying to steady itself when the ground tilts a little. 

Most of the time, tightening that loop doesn't come from a sharper argument. It comes from spotting the pattern earlier and remembering you don't have to wrestle with reality each time it appears. When you start to trust your first read-even a little-the surge tends to pass sooner. 

It also seems reasonable to expect that contact will still stir things up for a while. A small plan you can use right away makes those moments easier. Take a few slow breaths. Eat something plain. Reach out to someone calm who knows your usual baseline. Then return to what you were doing, even if it's just the next simple step. 

You're not trying to win the debate now. You're trying to recover faster. That's real progress.

I think it depends on how dangerous you consider the situation. You got some female responses, and females tend to think it is very scary. But some people would just downplay it as a childish threat. For me, given my knowledge of BPD, I think this situation is completely predictable, given the rejection sensitivity, suicidal ideation, the situation that had happened, and the firearm availability.

I would actually blame myself for having left my firearm reachable to a mentally ill person. I would probably resolve it by saying what is needed to calm her down, then getting closer, distracting her, and then suddenly taking the pistol out of her hands. That's assuming it was my current wife, whom I love. But if it were any of my ex-wives, instead I would just hide against a wall, provoke her into shooting, then escape from the environment and call the police, just to make sure she got arrested. In either case, assuming there were no kids around, I would not be scared.

I have been threatened with firearms before, by police and by drug dealers, but I always resolved it calmly. I have also been threatened with knives by different women, but since they are so much weaker, I just stepped closer and challenged them to try, and they never tried. With a firearm I would not challenge, because pulling the trigger does not require strength, but I would try to outsmart them.

Note: This is not a recommendation. It is just how I handle it.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. There are no kids together. We are not married. I’m in individual therapy, but he is not currently in treatment and refuses any. (There is nothing wrong with him).

What’s hardest for me isn’t just the escalation — it’s the lack of repair and the shutdown afterward. It is exhausting. I love him and I am tired. He recently went to visit his mom and while there he barely called me for two weeks. He's been back...not even a week...and here we sit hours later and is still avoiding me from this morning's event.