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You know what, I thought about this really hard for some time, and I really came to the conclusion that at least for me there is no reason to stay in contact with an ex or someone you once dated.
Maybe this holds true for now. What if in the future you had a romantic r/s that was amicable, or at the worst, filled with little conflict? This has happened to me on occasion.
. I understand the nuance that there might be kids involved, work related interaction, etc., but ultimately, at least for myself, it is in accordance with my values to not have that contact and to feel uncomfortable if my partner does.
Guess Im not much for nuance.....I had 2 children with BPD trait ex wife. Soon after separation I asked for no contact. With the only need for emails regarding childrens health. My children had no illnesses. We havent spoke in a long time.............I also exit stage left, just after i ask this type of question of a potential partner. This kind of thing can be discovered very early, sometime in the first conversation.
Can you expand on that? I found out that a lot of what I was doing was to get rid of trauma-based shame. At least when I try to get that under control, I'm really not motivated as much to do the work, because shame is tackled on head on, so there's no point in trying to "be better"
For me it was loneliness, shame, guilt, and to prove to the world I was good enough ( or maybe just good). I had a chip. It also gave me the never say die attitude. Something thats helped me. Im wondering how youre getting it under control? So youre not motivated to do the work and get shame under control because you are dealing with it? So whats the point?. Avoidance maybe?. Why should one feel shame? Its dysfunctional from the onset, no?............I never really looked at it as getting it under control ( you are hard headed ), seems to create more conflict. Spent alot of time seeking where it came from. Then repeatedly correcting myself until it subsided, as where it came from was false.
For example, in my last breakup I hit the gym like a madman because I wanted to feel better about myself, and that feel better wasn't that usual feeling of wanting to improve or have positive chemicals in the brain, it was shame-based: I need to show them. But now I don't have that. Is that what you mean?
Thats exactly what you were getting from working out. Using anger to release Endorphins the natural way, to feel better. Its actually the same feeling opioid drugs give the brain to an addict........................Understanding how fear based my life was, put me on a path. I erased much of the fear not realizing how much I used fear to motivate myself. It took a while for my conscious to teach my subconscious. They never truly understood each other, until recently. They both had alot to teach the other. I wish you well Peace
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