Hi Claro
It is good to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances. I am glad you found us. My 24 year old son also has BPD. Your story is so familiar.  I have been in this group for several months now and have found it helps a lot. Like you I am  in therapy to help me cope. This group provides another level of support and you can't have too much of that. So please settle in. Would you like coffee or tea? Let me get you a cup. Then we can chat about our sons.

Even if it is a triangle to communicate with your brother, if you are able to trust that he will tell you the truth, you might want to consider asking him.

My mother is elderly. She also lies a lot. Because we are concerned about her, we kids do have an agreement to ask each other if she is doing OK and to notify each other if there is a genuine concern.

She can call me and sound as if she is doing poorly, then call a sibling and act perfectly fine. I also cross check information she tells me to see if it is true, because she lies a lot and I can't tell.

When considering the "triangle"- I consider motivation. If I am calling because I am genuinely concerned, or need to know the truth, I don't see this as the kind of triangulation that is more dysfunctional. I don't call to get "someone on my side " against her. I do sometimes call to vent, but that's for moral support. It's normal to be concerned about a parent, but frustrating to be trying to communicate with a disordered parent.

Sometimes the same action can be dysfunctional or normal. First, I would be direct, as you have, but if your mother isn't responding ,and you are concerned, then calling your brother doesn't seem dysfunctional to me.

I also find church to be a big help. My pastor and church mother pray for my family and I pray for theirs. This is a spiritual journey for me. It is really painful but I am growing and becoming a better person.

 I am cheering for you Lollypop
Speaking of visuals, I see you sitting on your hands on a chair in the middle of an arena while the rest of us shout from the stands "SIT ON YOUR HANDS. SIT ON YOUR HANDS." Let's see what today brings. Hugs 

Perdita- I know how difficult this is- it was an aspect of my relationship for quite a while. Now, the whole idea of it just makes me angry.

Keep in mind the Karpman drama triangle and don't JADE. I can't know what your partner is thinking, but in my case, "not feeling up to the task" was interpreted as me purposely withholding affection and sex from my H. His reaction then was to go into victim mode and be punitive in return. Some of the things he did was : get angry, complain that we never have sex, and then to reject me in return if I tried to initiate any intimate contact.

It didn't seem to matter how much we did it, if there was a time it didn't happen, it would start a rage over " you never....". So I shut down and just did the deed to shut him up so I could get some sleep.

This took a toll on the relationship for me. Eventually, years later,  we ended up in MC and I also worked on co-dependency. The MC spoke to both of us about "saying no" when you mean "no" and not being dishonest about it. I was so scared to say no to my H for anything for fear of the rages.

Then, I realized how degrading it is to treat someone like a child who has to have their way. You know what? Your partner is a grown man. While sex is important to a relationship, there is also more to a relationship than being available for on demand sex. Over time, sometimes someone is "not available" due to various reasons- being out of town, not feeling well ,stress or fatigue. I do think both partners need to work at sex being a part of the relationship. There are people on this board in marriages where their partner refuses it all the time and that isn't good,  but I also don't think being always available all the time is a realistic expectation for long term.

I hope you can resist the urge to JADE during your monthly. Give him a biology book if he doesn't believe that this is a normal pattern for women,  and I hope you don't buy into the insanity of the thoughts he makes up about it. When you are not on your monthly and he isn't in that space, simply explain: "once a month, Aunt Flo visits, and it's tough for me. I know it is a disappointment to you, but this is biology and I need to take care of myself at this time".

Your part will be to resist the argument during this time. If he brings it up, simply remind him, this is the time we spoke about. Treat it like any other argument and don't engage in drama. You can validate the feelings. " I do care about you and know this is a disappointment. We will  be intimate again in a week" and then let him manage his feelings.

I read somewhere that emotional pain is processed in similar brain regions, so its not out of the realm of possibility. As to "how much", I guess every person is affected differently?

Here's an article that describes that: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/body-sense/201204/emotional-and-physical-pain-activate-similar-brain-regions

welp, that's one short straw you drew there isilme, best wishes to your managing it 

I explored this back when I was with my bpdxgf, only once did I manage to even come close to what could be called "helping her back to baseline", and it was when she was angry at me for "not caring about her".

I told her I didn't want that to mess up our thing, I sort of "reached out to her", told her in a "tell me what to do" kind of way. She said "fix it then", and I basically love-bombed her for a moment; after that she just said "you did good".

This is one instance of one couple that ended up breaking up a few months later, so its not bulletproof or even "reliable data", but at least in that moment when she wanted to be rescued I sort of asked her to show me the way, it was a cooperative thing, it was "us", a team, "we" got through that.

At least that's what I like to believe.

My gf said a very similar thing before ghosting me, I thought it meant she didn't want to spend too much money (she had gone out to a bar but was having second thoughts about it) but it was about her low self esteem: she was feeling very, very abandoned at that moment; I paid the price of my mistake with our relationship .

Then again, if their minds are that similar maybe my "fishing her out of dysregulation" anecdote might actually be useful for you 

The subject pretty much says it all. Every time I have my period I become extremely stressed knowing that he's going to make me feel guilty for not being able to have sex.  I get my monthly real bad, so it's hardly helpful having to deal with his complaining on top of it. It actually gets heavier and goes on for 7-10 days since moving in with him. Since I am constantly doing things in and around the house and lifting heavy stuff, it just doesn't help things.

I am so tired of knowing that every month I have to listen to him go on about it and me constantly saying that I am sorry.  I feel he doesn't believe me. It's gotten so bad that I feel I need him in the bathroom with me so that he can see for himself and just shut up. Then again, I know he won't stop guilt tripping me. I am so stressed out dealing with this. We just had another huge argument about it. Everything is always my fault.

My relationship ended just under a month ago and it's almost impossible to cut off contact because we work at the same organization. Not together, but we run into each other at least once a day. Every time we talk I feel worse and then I can't make contact for days, even when he says hello in passing. He's not a bad person, and I don't want to be cruel but I don't want to feel this way any more and I can't be around him right now. I don't understand why I feel guilty, especially since he dumped me and told me it was because I was mean and I picked on him and started fights with him. I definitely got pushed beyond my own limits and fought back but I know not all of our problems were my fault. He is an adult after all. Why do I feel guilty? Is everything going to end with me being upset and him convinced that I am responsible for his problems and seemingly indifferent?

 

Let's talk when you have more time and see what we can do.

In the meantime... stop letting stressed out outsiders who are lashing out define you and set your worth.    

I hope your meting goes well.