Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry we're meeting like this and I feel for your struggles.  I've faced them as well and was equally lost.

Does your son have a formal diagnosis?  And is he in counseling at all?  How old is he?

I'm asking because despite everyone's best intentions, the only person who can change your son's behavior is himself.  He has to want it and he has to want to fight for his family.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I've walked the same path.  My BPD daughter is coming up on 27.

You talked a lot about your daughter and what she's done to get treatment (or avoid treatment).  But what have you done for yourself?  I ask because raising a BPD kid leads to mental health issues for everyone in the household (insomnia, depression, stress, etc).

You can't fix your kid- it's 100% impossible.  But if you invest in yourself as you distance from her problems, a lot of good can come from it long term.

There's two schools of thought on this.

Group #1 says to go no-contact and don't contact him at all.  He will eventually miss you and try to win you back.

Group #2 says to have minimal communication- occasional check-ins with just basic "How ya doing" types of stuff.  No mention of the relationship, no mention of who did what...just quick little chats to let him know you're still here.

Which is right?  I honestly don't know.  Many BPDs hop from one relationship to the next in record time.  Not because they didn't care, but because they can't stand being alone and the next person helps them avoid grieving entirely .  In a nutshell, they run from their problems instead of facing them...that's essentially why you broke up.

I'd lean more towards the 2nd school of thought if you can have a calm conversation with zero expectations.  You could also write him a letter if you feel like there's stuff left unsaid and you're worried that he won't listen.

Again, he's facing a mountain of shame and self-sabotaging that will make the next step difficult regardless.  There's no right or wrong answer here and you should do what's in your heart.  Just set your expectations as low as possible.

As J1's addiction intensified so did my loneliness within the marriage.  I felt like I was a stranger in my own home. 

It got to the point where she'd be home from work for two hours before she said hello.

I was desperate for something to make me feel real.  Something of consequence.  I found it at work, in a case that nearly cost me my career and my marriage.

This case could be an entire story in and of itself, so I'll do my best to be brief and to protect sensitive details.

There was a non-profit organization in the city in which I was a cop.  Years earlier the president--an attorney I'll call "AE"--came to the PD claiming she was being harassed by someone unhappy with the organization.  I investigated and concluded that there was no criminal aspect to her complaint.

I also learned that AE had filed affidavits in which she exaggerated--and in some places invented--police involvement to make her situation seem more dangerous than it was.  Except we hadn't done any of that.  All I did was make some phone calls and send a couple of emails.

I realized I was being used as a prop in someone else's theater. 

I immediately ended my investigation, alerted our local DA to what was happening, and told AE that I would not entertain any more of her complaints. 

The cop in me knew something was wrong.  AE was lying in court over something seemingly trivial.  Why was she so intent on silencing this person? 

On paper the organization was successful, bringing in over $200k a year.  A lot of money for an organization of this type.  In person, their facility was barely functioning.  It was a rundown mess.

A few years later an arrest report landed on my desk.  State officials had arrested the organization's manager. 

I read the details and my stomach dropped.  They arrested the wrong person.  I knew it.  And I knew that they knew it.

State officials had been responding to complaints about AE for years.  They knew who was responsible.  So why did they let her walk?

Within weeks I found dozens of victims: customers defrauded, employees unpaid, young volunteers injured.  This was a pattern and had been going on for years. It seemed like every day I was meeting a new victim with the same story.

I met with the DA and put it plainly: AE was the only person responsible for the organization.  She needed to be stopped.  I was sure that this case could even include Federal charges. 

Quietly I thought: if this case sticks, those "Thank you, Matt's" are going to feel really good.

The DA fumbled through her papers.  "The lady running this organization...what was her name again?"

She knew her name.  Why the sudden amnesia? 

When our meeting ended I thought to myself: "This case is going nowhere."  Not because the facts weren't there. Because there must be a reason why AE has never been charged.

So I did what I always do when it feels like reality is fading: I worked harder to make the truth--and myself--undeniable. 

I later learned that as soon as that meeting ended, the DA phoned a friend connected to the organization. "Be careful," she warned. "The cops are coming."

I had conducted hundreds of investigations by this point.  I had never had a case thrown out.  Another DA commented to me: "You're investigating AE? Uh oh, she's in trouble if you're going after her." 

This never felt like heroism to me.  It felt like defending the truth.  And if the DA was committed to ignoring this case, I would make it so she couldn't. 

The evidence piled up.  Boxes and boxes of it.  Even AE's own text messages in which she admitted to the scheme.  It all pointed to her guilt.

Yet the DA denied me at every turn.

She didn't claim prosecutorial discretion.  I could have handled that.  The DA instead argued that the information I had compiled was not evidence of a crime.  That no crime had been committed.  She was telling me I didn't know how to do my job.

Department brass was getting uncomfortable too.  Supervisors who had nothing to do with my investigation began calling me into meetings.

"What's your beef with AE? What is she, an ex-girlfriend? Does she owe you money? Why don't you just let this go?"

I could feel the smear campaign starting.  I was becoming inconvenient and I could sense how this would end.  If they can't puncture the investigation, and they can't make me go away, then they'll have to make me look bad. 

They will rewrite me, question my motives and my competence.  Then they can ostracize me. 

And that's what ended up happening.  I became too inconvenient, so AE turned around and filed a complaint about me.  She filed dozens of pages claiming that I had committed procedural violations, that I was harassing her, even committing crimes on duty.   The Department investigated and privately told me: "We know who she is.   You have nothing to worry about." 

And they punished me anyway.

Ultimately it amounted to a slap on the wrist and a really embarrassing hour in the Chief's office.  I left that meeting with a feeling that had become all too familiar:

I wasn't punished for being wrong.  I was punished for refusing to participate in the lie.  Once I became inconvenient the argument was no longer about facts.  It was about my integrity.

But there were still all those victims counting on me.  I didn't want to let them down.  And, if I'm being honest, the case had stopped being about just them.  It had become about whether the truth really mattered at all.  It had become about my ability--and right--to see the truth accurately and live inside of it.

I could have let it go.  But that would have revealed a truth I wasn't ready to accept:

That I could do everything in good faith and still be treated like the bad guy.  And all the effort in the world couldn't stop it.

It seemed like J1 wasn't really interested in what I was doing at work.  This case was extensive; the details were juicy.  Yet the more I talked about it, the less she seemed to hear me.  I felt like I was fighting for the truth alone.

She told me to let it go.  I didn't know if she was trying to protect me, or protect herself from a story she didn't want to hear about.

I refused to go quietly.  I told the Chief that I would release all of my reports to the press.  I would openly defy him, but I would follow the rules while I did it. So that's what I did.

This case brought me into contact with lots of people.  Five of us really bonded over this whole thing.  Each of us was in some way related to the organization and we decided to join forces.  We formed a grassroots organization of our own.  We never broke any rules, but we were intent on exposing the truth about AE.

We talked often.  Phone calls, texts, emails.  We met in person a few times. 

These were friends who saw the same truth I did.  They believed me and I believed them.  We were invested in what each other thought and wanted and needed.  We were a team.

One woman and I ("G") were particularly friendly.  We talked often, whether it was one on one or within the group.  I knew about her life and she knew about mine.  She was quite a bit older than me, with a family of her own.

G and I only met her in person four or five times.  Each time was in public with the group or with one of our family members present.  Nothing about our friendship felt romantic.  It wasn't about romance.  There was no flirty talk, no innuendo. 

It was about two people sharing the same experience and being committed to the same goal, without having to explain it or justify it.
 
And I tried to integrate that feeling into my marriage.  J1 and I went to G's house and met her husband and kid.  G and her husband came to our house.  I wanted J1 to see that part of my life.  I wanted her to meet the people who understood what I was experiencing, hoping that some of that connection would transfer to our marriage.

I didn't realize it then, but I was threatening the very foundation that the marriage was built upon.  And it wasn't love, trust and companionship.

I learned the hard way that the marriage was built upon me not having a reality outside of it.

It actually really does help. I don’t know how to reach out and let him know it’s ok without triggering him or looking like an ex who won’t take a hint but he was talking normally planning future stuff with me until it all blew up minutes later

Thanks. I’m no stranger to toxic relationships and oddly he has been the only one where the good times have been good. So hard to know what to do

It's not only common, it's 100% going to happen and is one of the main characteristics of someone with BPD. They don't know what their emotions will be from one minute to the next hence the 'I want you /I don't want you' actions, which are devastating when they suddenly start appearing in what was, until then, a seemingly perfect relationship.  All par for the course and everyone here has experienced it.

As others have said, it isn't going to get any better and will usually get worse over time. It's a script which inevitably plays out. The only thing to do is to decide whether you're able to try and handle this type of relationship - and it can be very draining and damaging, both mentally and physically,

In view of the short duration of your relationship, it might be better to just put it down to experience and move on. None of it was your fault; you couldn't control their actions nor could you cure them.

My own BPD relationship was 4 years duration and her first breakup with me came after a couple of months. I realised then something was wrong with her but I continued to chase and engage for all those years, only for it to inevitably end. Looking back afterwards I could see the relationship was toxic and was never going anywhere.

I truly wish I'd just let go after her first outburst then I'd have saved myself those years of greif and conflict.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

Thank you for your reply as well as the book recommendation. I'm trying to learn more about how to prepare for things in advance.

I finally understand why I struggled raising this son.  Narcisstic BPD.  His low self esteem wife has left (hopefully to not return immediately).  She is willing to seek counsel together but he is not willing.  I need a counselor to help me navigate.  My daughter in law will be better without him with their 3 kids 6,yr.4yr,6months but my son who has always been in a good work situation,home, provision, etc is at risk to live out his "fantasies" and loose not only his marriage but all that has been good because he doesn't realize he is wacko in his thinking. I would like to find a counselor in my area or online.  Don't know if I can say what city? I not trying  to coerce my daughter-in-law into staying but I do need wise counsel how she, I, and my other children should move forward to make the situation the best for all concerned!

ThemApples,

This doesn’t read reactive. It reads exhausted and clear.

Twenty years of hoping something fundamental would shift is a long time. Grieving that makes sense. Especially when the loneliness has been happening inside the marriage, not outside of it.

The part about staying for your son hit hard. Most of us made the best decision we could with what we knew then. Hindsight is sharp.

You’re right - both staying and leaving have a cost. There isn’t a painless option. It sounds like you’ve already been carrying one version of that cost for years.

Whatever you choose when the time comes, I hope it’s something that includes your well-being too.

You matter in this equation.