Hello -
This is my first post and I am a little nervous about sharing openly about my relationship and the trouble I have been having for over a decade. I share little with my friends and family, only letting them know that we are working through things.

I have been struggling with a partner that exhibits all the BPD traits and has been "misdiagnosed" (her words) with it several times throughout her life. There are severe bouts of anger followed by self-hating remorse followed by blame for how I could have prevented it. I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to find a path to either better myself to manage the outbursts, or to get out of this relationship. However, I find myself drawn back to it time after time. She breaks up with me faithfully every month, leaving me crushed and withdrawn. She breaks up, then comes back in tears saying she didn't mean it, or glosses it over as if it never happened. She has sent me photos of other people that she finds attractive, threatens to be with other people because I have questioned our relationship, and lets me know that she has options. The outbursts are harsh and seem out of the blue. A wrong word or interaction. I am careful of what I say and do. I have isolated myself at times and rebelled at times, tried to change how she sees me, all hoping for a different result. She has anxiety and depression, and my heart aches for what she is going through. I just don't know if I can handle her taking that out on me.

I have my own flaws and bring a lot of my own issues with me, so please don't think it is one sided, it is not. There are things about me, my family, and my life that would be hard for anyone to manage, and is definitely not helpful for someone struggling with mental illness. I am a pleaser and will bend myself to fit her wants in an unhealthy way, but through therapy I have stopped that behavior. It has not been well received. I am deeply hurt by her actions and feel like there is no understanding of the damage that has been done. I have not been able to forget it. I feel like it lives in my bones, and even when my heart is saying be with her because she cannot help her actions, my body and mind won't allow it. I feel that I both cannot live without her, and I cannot live with her. My family and my children have said I am a different person when I am with her - careful, always watching, tentative, and unhappy. They have begun to limit their exposure to the two of us together, and my kids have said they won't visit if she is there. This last break up I didn't wallow and I made plans for the month of December without her for the very first time. I feel very guilty about it and also want to share experiences with my family. 

I feel stuck. It is unhealthy for both of us to stay, and yet hard to let go.  Anyone else struggling?

Hi driftedmind and welcome!

how did it go with your husband getting the diagnosis?

The last part of your message really reminded me of myself 3 years ago. (you said: I’m hoping he’s able to accept the diagnosis and get the help he needs. I love him deeply, and I recognize the pain and trauma he carries. But I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. I want a family someday, one that’s stable and loving, and I want my husband to be someone who feels proud of himself and capable of real happiness.

I’m hopeful for him, but I’m also terrified of what our future might look like depending on how he responds tomorrow.)

Back  then I found out partly from my research partly from our psychologist that my partner probably has BPD. My life was very bad, there were accusations all the time, reactivity, bad controll of emotions, he even broke some things, he was shouting often etc. The worst of all, before I knew about the diagnosis I felt that I was doing something or everything wrong - he was very succesfull in his projection and I felt guilty for our relationship not working and I even felt guilty I did not manage to walk on eggshells good enough all the time which was mixed with anger that he expected me to do so. Allready then I did notice that intimate communication is hard with him in comparison to my ex boyfriend or a good friend, but I was wrongly putting it on me.

 I came to this forum at that time and seeked advice and people told me things will probably never be normall with him, told me their stories, I remember a young mother warning me how a relationship with such a father is and how she alienated herself from her partner to take good care of their child, I read the forum etc. I decided to give him a chance, he was going to individual therapy (CBT), later on he started to go to psychiatrist and got antidepresants, later on ADHD meds were added. All of it helped signifficantly and life with him now is berable altogether. There are good times when he is well controlled, we have nice days, but ofcorse no miracle happened, bpd is still there, just not so intenselly. I also have learned to communicate differently and when I manage to do so, it can help a lot, if he is not totally dysregulted. Honestly this different kind of communication still takes a lot of my energy especially when I am a bit tired or preoucupied with other things - which is common during a bussy week.

At that time around 3 years ago we were thinking about kids, I decided to wait to see if he will get any better and then we started around 6 months later, when there was some change. Tbh, I would recomend longer wait, especially after a threat to split up, he could manage and was motivated to show 6 months of change. But we were older, 33 at that time. I was worried my fertility is not perfect and later on I found out I was right - we still do not have a child. If I look at it altogether now, I think if we get a child, I will certainly have more responsibilities than him, I will also have to somehow explain to a child that their father is sometimes having psychological problems etc. I expect there will be activities that I will have to teach the child alone and also be responsible that the father does not scare them emotionally at least not so much. I know my partner will not be able to offer stability all the time, I am sure some raging will happen. I am also sure he will try his best and I hope it will be good enough. But it is clear to me that totally normal life will not be posssible, if it will be to tixic I might need to divirce him.

I came to realise that bpd can be treated, but not cured. According to psychologist and also from what I see, my partner is not even fully develped  BPD, “just” traits, he never attempted suicide (although soft threats 2 times), no self harm, no cheating, no physical violence, has a good steady job and is very succesfull there, has no problems with coworkers, has some steady friends, who dont see him as reactive (I think) and is not getting in arguments with them like ever. However, at home he is a different person, he can get offended by minimal things that are not even offensive (classical bpd style things), accusive also, rage can happen, then shout down happens, he often wants me to apologise for things I did not do and confess I did something I did not do - like a lot of people said in a thread „Accountability and blaming“, same can happen to me still.
What is the hardest for me is that real intimate communication and connection is not really there, sometimes I can get some, but it can come back like boomerang when he is dysregulated, at those times it is also impossible to get support from him, and also I cannot really know when he will dysregulate at the smalles thing. That ofcorse brought me to not sharing as much as I would if those issues were not there, which makes me feel lonely sometimes. There is also still issue with tasks or plans that we make. Something minor that happen can dysregulates him so much, he will then just not do it and sometimes his whole day stands still afterwards. Hollidays can have very stressfull days from what I just described and ofcorse when we are together 24/7, we communicate more and more arrguments arise from something he understood or interpreted wrong. Just so wrong. But no way he would listen to me, telling him what I meant, he has to be right about my thoughts or stg. like that.

You might ask why I stayed. I love him and I wanted to give him a chance and then infertility happened and right now for me it is (probably) impossible to find another partner soon enough to have a child. And I still think I can bring a child in an ok enough family with treatment he is getting and my stability and efforts. But when I am sad and a lot of this drama happen one after another, I cannot help but wish I was 28 again and had the knowledge and understanding of bpd that I have now. I am sure I would have run out of this for a more suitable relationship with better communication and towards calmer less stressful life where I would not be looking after everything I say.

You are young now, you have the knowledge of at least that bpd exists and your housband has it, you dont have children yet. Do good research - this site is great for it. Read the succesful stories and ask yourself how succesful they really are. Read less succesful ones. Read stories with children involved. Remember you cannot save ther partner from his mental illnes, even if he takes treatment there will be ups and downs, even if he acknowledges diagnosis now, that can still change in the future. After having all the data, make informed deccision that is best for you and only you.

Good luck!

Thank you all for the encouragement. Anonymous 22, that is an interesting perspective. I think it goes deeper than that as in my wife never identified with any role before becoming a mother. She was always jealous of me playing the piano, creating, reading, writing… because she had no hobbies. Also she had always been jealous of my work despite the fact that she had a few jobs before having kids but struggled to maintain them. I think one reason she reacted positively was because she had had a good day at college. (This doesn’t mean she won’t screech and scream about this exact occasion at a later time… she will have stored it up as ammunition to use if needed). But my wife going to college has been very good for her, to get out of the house and spend time with other people. Her first term has been incredibly successful despite the fact that I’ve helped her lots and lost work over this too due to having to prioritise her needs because I want and need to support her. Her story is inspirational and maybe only now I’m actually impressed because she has been offered a place at uni next year conditional on passing the course. I mean, she’s had a poor education, no qualifications, recently diagnosed moderate/severe dyslexia, clearly has mental health problems, plus four kids under 7, one still breast feeding, two still co-sleeping and they will not let her study not for a moment even once they’re asleep. I’ll give her that… she’s doing well, and also clearly identifies with the paramedic role she is chasing. I really want that for her. I guess that will also be validation of her needing to feel needed.

There are so many aspects to the Borderline disorder, and neediness and control rank right up near the top.  If she went with her perceptions, she might admit she "needs" the kids.  A normal perspective would be to reverse it, the children need their parents.

predictably unpredictable. zero logic. I wouldn't meet mine again, but that's because it started so bad; she was engaged, was flirting with me, her fiance found it, I understood and dropped her. I didn't know she was engaged. But a couple months later she came back saying she left him. We literally started dating immediately, she hadn't even moved out yet. I made sure she did. Sex immediately, literally. Shouldn't have been blinded but I was single for a year before meeting her. And looking back, literally NOTHING would have regulated her. Those goal posts moved so fast they could win a gold medal. I pray I never see mine again.

That's a great way to put it. I often thought it was like being with someone who has that medical condition where they can't hold a memory for long and have to constantly re-learn everything.

The sheer illogicality of BPD was the biggest problem; nothing ran 'normally' as you'd expect it to - ie if you're nice to them then they're bound to be nice back to you. If I could turn the clock back I'd still meet her... but knowing what I know now I woudn't have kept chasing her for four years; her first BPD outburst after a few weeks would have been the last.

Funnily enough, I still have a feeling that I will meet her again in person though.. and when I get feelings like that they often come true. I still have a mental picture of her aged 32, when I last saw her. She'll be 70 next year!

Great job!  I have a little bit of a different opinion as to what is going on.  Your wife has identified as being a mom for several years now.  That is what she identifies as, a mom.  Being the one who works outside the house, you identify with your profession, educator.  When a coworker has a question, they come to you; when a client of yours has a need, they come to you, etc.  It would be strange if one of your clients went to some one of a different profession as you to ask a question that should be directed at you...ie. if one of your clients asked the mail carrier to teach them how to play a song on the piano.  IMHO, this is how your wife is feeling.  In her opinion, she is the one who knows best about the children, because she is Mom.  I don't think that she doesn't think that you are their mom or is controlling the "mom" role, I just don't think that she aligns the same responsibilities to you that she does with herself, because of what she identifies herself as.  This may not be the correct thing to do, but at a lesser level than your wife, I think that this happens often when one parent works outside the home and the other stays home with the kids.  I do think that she has taken some of this over the top, like when the kids are not allowed to look at pictures without her, etc, but I believe that that is the BPD, the extreme control in whatever they can control, because she wants the kids to need her so they don't abandon her.  With her starting school, her emotions over this could be over the top, as she is not always around for your kid's every move any longer, so she could be trying to push this on the kids more, but that's a total guess!  I have found that with my uBPDh, if there is something like this I have decided to just do what I feel is normal, if he freaks out, I walk away and bring the kids to our room to read a book or something distracting.  If he comes in while I am distracting he kids and tries to start in with them around, I say this will NOT be done around the kids and then ask them if they want to go get ice cream.  The more that I do said thing, the more that it becomes "normal", for the most part!  Though, I will say that my uBPDh can not deal with me leaving the house to work and even though I have done so since we met, he has always freaked out every time I leave for work in the morning...it makes for great weeks let me tell you!   

It never really made sense to me. Some topics, I just don't want to discuss and they upset me, sure. But everyone has those moments. She sure as heck had plenty of things that were off limits with us, and that's ok to me. I simply didn't want to have an argument about every single thing. Literally. She would start fights at every corner and I'd get frustrated and bark back, so that meant she was on eggshells. My words to her were, pick your battles. Don't you think there are little things that you do that annoy me at times? I just think about it in my head, and move on. I want to be happy and not always fighting. And yeah, every single thing was twisted into me somehow attacking her character. She told me in the beginning my calm demeanor in arguments kept her grounded...well, grounded was screaming at the top of her lungs, finger in my face, insulting me, cursing at me.

That story sounds extremely similar to my adult BPD stepdaughter's experience--getting kicked out of rooming situations, blaming others, feeling aggrieved and bullied by everyone, despairing after a break-up, having her stomach pumped, failing classes, needing bailouts, refusing to see parents at homecoming, cutting off communications, isolating herself at holidays, self-medicating with illicit substances, losing all her friends, lashing out in fits of rage, the whole works.  Yet in my stepdaughter's case, doctors recommended that she focus on therapy for a time, instead of returning to college.  But she threw a fit, and her dad relented, allowing her to re-enroll against everyone's better judgment.  It was no surprise to me that she dropped out a few weeks later.  This cycle happened repeatedly, and each iteration seemed worse than the prior one, until my dear stepdaughter hit bottom and really committed to therapy.  I'm glad to say she managed to turn her life around, and though there have been some setbacks, generally speaking she's back on track, and her life looks much healthier now.

BPDGrief, that your daughter made it to senior year, in spite of her BPD issues, is commendable.  I think if she can manage that, she can manage just about anything.  She's still young, BPD doesn't have to derail her entire life if she gets the right therapy.  I hope you don't lose hope.  Here you will find all sorts of stories, so you won't feel so alone, and maybe you can get some useful tips, too.

Hello, BPDgrief (similar to BPDstinks!) may I say, sorry for you, also....I overshare, all the time!  One of my very best friends is living the exact life I wanted (her daughter just started college, my friend visits, etc.) (about this time, years back, was the last time my BPD daughter was very happy (or so we thought!) and I tell my friend, outright, while I am happy for her, I AM jealous, to which, she says, she is sorry she did not realize the issueS, the point being....people seem to be open to the explanation (though, I know, unless ONE explains it, BPD is a mystery (I have all kinds of pictures on my phones of definitions, that I share with very close friends; my husband is in complete denial & so sad, that is just breaks my heart; I hold onto the hope that she will just "come around" one day, hence, why I see my BPD therapist, to "be ready" as I acknowledge my (I have anxiety issues of my own!) personality does not mesh with her BPD!  (My therapist is Susan Toner, she does ZOOM!) please hang in there!