Yes, with my (now deceased) BPD mother, and while this kind of thinking was there all along, I think in an elderly person, other causes can exacerbate them and even cause them without BPD.

Two common causes of delirium in elderly people are urinary infections and medications. There were times when the diagnosis of dementia was considered but BPD mother would return to baseline when she was treated for  a UTI or her medication dose adjusted. If your mother is acting more delusional than usual, I would say get her checked for these possible causes.

The more constant concern was the BPD thinking which included these strange and sometimes paranoid ideas about people, and her behavior in general. Being that she remained "legally competent" there wasn't much family could do to intervene on her behalf, even thought it was for her own benefit.

I understand your concern for your elderly widowed mother at home with her BPD. We had this concern as well.

It helps to inform yourself of the resources for the elderly in your country. For me, it's the US- and so learning about Medicare, Medicaid, assisted living, skilled nursing homes- and the laws, and rules for these resources helped to know what was (and wasn't) available to help if needed. As long as my mother remained legally competent (and she did, even with the episodes) intervention wasn't possible.

My best advice to you in this situation is to have someone designated as POA and Medial POA for your mother so it would be possible to make decisions for her if needed. It can be you or another family member if they are trustworthy and would act in her best interest. Also inform yourself of resources available to her- assistance at home, assisted living, nursing home care- if they were ever to be needed. Most important- get support for yourself through counseling, maintain self care.

With the medical POA, I was able to speak to her doctors and health care providers. In BPD mother's situation, "BPD" was not a helpful label.  It made more sense to address the issues that were a cause of discomfort for her- her anxiety was a main one and there is medicine for that. Your mother can access therapy and medication without the BPD label - with other ones such as "anxiety". DBT therapy is known to help with BPD and she may need the label for that but she would need to be motivated to do it.

This is my first time posting here, and I’m honestly not sure where to turn. My marriage of over ten years has certainly had its fair share of problems, but things have become much worse over the last few years. I’m fairly certain my spouse is a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder. I know those terms get thrown around a lot these days, but I feel that their behaviour certainly falls within these categories.

They are incredibly thin-skinned regarding any perceived alternative perspective or criticism. It usually results in an angry outburst, mockery, or both. It feels as though they intentionally make it so painful for me to raise a legitimate concern that I’ll eventually just give up and stop bringing things up altogether.

This behaviour has been a constant throughout our marriage, but it has really intensified over the last three years. During this time, my spouse lost their father after a long battle with cancer, and they currently have a fractured, "no-contact" relationship with their mother. To my mind, this should have been the perfect opportunity for them to lean on me so we could strengthen our bond while I helped them through the grieving process.

Instead, the general anger they’ve always had has increased, and it’s frequently aimed at me. Minor disagreements escalate in a heartbeat. I’m often called names and told to "just shut the f--- up." If I stand my ground and say I don't appreciate being spoken to like that, I’m told I’m being "too sensitive", or that if I don’t like it, I can leave. When I point out that I deserve a bit of respect and that they wouldn’t like it if I talked to them that way, it only makes matters worse.

I’m at my wits' end. The frequency and intensity of these outbursts are becoming unbearable. I know that this behaviour is the result of grief, combined with their BPD.  I am often told that it is my responsibility to repair what is wrong with our marriage. I feel that I am trying, but nothing is considered good enough.  I don't know how to repair it when my spouse doesn't think their behaviour toward me is unacceptable.  My gut reaction is to simply pack it in and leave, but we have three children at home. The thought of not seeing them every single day is what’s stopping me. I know there are those that will argue that the kids are seeing this disfunction as normal behaviour, and that's not good either. I’m not sure what the next step is, but I know there are others here with similar stories. I just want to be part of a community where I can share what’s happening without judgment. Thank you for reading.

For over a decade of my life, every single day was super high stress and worry over what my BPD teenager would do next.  If she wasn't fighting me, she was fighting someone else or there was some life-changing thing happening that could send the entire planet spiraling...at least that's how it felt.

In time though, I realized that just because my daughter's life was chaos didn't mean mine should be as well.  In fact, by distancing myself from her life and not getting pulled into her continual drama, I could parent a lot more effectively and it was good for my physical/mental health.  I accepted that my problems were my problems, and her problems were her problems.  I'd help if I could, but it wasn't going to alter my life anymore since my kid rarely took my advice anyway.

Today, my daughter still has daily struggles in her mid-20's, and there's still endless drama from one moment to the next.  It's not my drama though and I don't try to fix it.  Instead, I'll just be a dad and be willing to listen or talk out anything.  And by letting my kid face her own problems, our entire dynamic has changed.  It's relaxed, it's easy now, and I no longer get sucked in.

Hi In4thewin,

I dont understand. What are you exactly worried about?

Hi Confused,

Generally, we try to keep everything on the boards so it can help you today and also help others down the road that may be in a similar situation.  However, if there's questions that you don't feel comfortable with in public, private message is 100% fine.

For your direct problem, I faced it early on as well as I met others and jealousy quickly surfaced.  It's very difficult at times but you must set very firm boundaries- you're not talking to others and you're not going to keep defending yourself.  Either she listens or she doesn't.

One strategy could be when she makes the accusation, to affirm that you're only talking to her and you don't want to talk about that anymore.  If she persists, tell her you're ending the call and can talk later.  You don't have to be mean about it; just make sure you're direct and crystal clear about your intentions.

Another question- how often do you send money to her?  If it's one lump sum monthly, very few Filipinas would be able to budget that responsibly.  If it's several times per week or daily though, then it's not good either because it's revolving around impulse spending.

Hi Win,

I understand it's worrying to witness fights and their aftermaths.  But here's the thing, I think you naturally jump to the worst-case scenario.  I don't mean that as criticism, but merely to recommend doing some "checking in" with your thought patterns, because they seem to be stressing you out, maybe unnecessarily.  I know that dealing with BPD is extremely stressful(!!!), and that you only want the best for your dear daughter.  My sense is that she would benefit from having a mom that's less stressed out with panic.

I know I'm wired differently (and so I do a lot of "checking in" with myself too!), as I'm just not as emotionally reactive as many of my family members seem to be.  My husband is a very reactive type, he immediately assumes the worst.  An good example of these differences happened just recently, because his daughter was staying at a resort in Mexico when violence broke out.  He was flying off the handle with worry.  I said to him, Honey, I know it's scary, and I'm concerned too, but your daughter texted you and said she was fine.  We know she's in the resort.  We have contact with her.  She's probably just going to have to shelter in place until things calm down.  And then he snapped back, extremely angrily, But what's the alternative, she could be killed in the streets!?!  I said my darling, that's probably not the most likely scenario.  Chances are she'll have to stay a couple of extra nights and re-schedule her flight for a later date when things calm down.  And he said, You don't know that.  I said, I understand things could get worse, but they might not.  No fatalities have been reported.  We're not air-lifting Americans yet.  All we've seen are the same two burned-up busses on the news--that's it.  So let's not panic yet.  Later, I showed him the airport schedules, and we could see that the local airport was open and that a few international flights were arriving and leaving.  Not many, but some.  With facts, my husband seemed to calm down.  And I'm pretty sure that the most-likely scenario I described is the one that's actually going to happen.  Perhaps ironically, his daughter sent a snappy text back telling her dad to stop "harrassing" her.  My husband was upset by this.  I had to translate it for him:  Honey, she's worried too, and she's just taking it out on you because you keep asking her for updates on her status.  She's OK, and she needs a calm and reassuring dad right now, not a frantic one.

Now here is what I see.  Your daughter and her boyfriend had an argument.  They were both upset.  But they were composed and united enough to go through the breakfast with you.  The boyfriend retreated the the bathroom, probably to try to calm down and compose himself, taking a few deep breaths.  Your daughter shared with you limited details about the incident, but honestly, it's her and her boyfriend's business.  Maybe things get worse, or maybe they resolve the conflict.  It seems like the latter is a more likely scenario, because they both came to the breakfast with you, remaining united despite the obvious tension.

Look, I understand that dealing with non-biological kids can create a lot of tension in a relationship.  My guess is your daughter commented on her boyfriend's parenting approach, and he took it as criticism.  He might think his girlfriend has no experience parenting and therefore she's not qualified to opinine--it's HIS kid after all.  If he said that, she might have felt offended, as if she'll never be "qualified" to act like a mother to his child, if that's what she dreams of doing--she could see her "status" at risk.  Or maybe it's something completely different.  But really it's between them to resolve, or maybe not resolve.  Maybe they break up.  Break ups happen all the time, and they aren't the end of the world, either.  Maybe they're seeing that the match isn't a great one.  Or maybe they realize it is, and they can survive arguments here and there, even big ones over parenting.  I think you just have to wait patiently and see, but not panic over things that haven't even happened yet.  Concern, maybe.  I try to be cautiously optimistic until the facts prove otherwise.

Sancho!  I very well remember the "what SHOULD I say, what should I avoid saying...that ball of fear and dread in my stomach and the knowledge that any minute the mood could change....I could FEEL it! I am sorry you go through this! 

CC43!  Thank you for breaking that down!  Desperation is a perfect way to put it....I just did not realize her request for "a break" would be 3 years!  I very much agree, 26 is "high" time to figure it out, the main reason ANY of this "desperation" occurs, is I remember the constant suicide attempts and always worry I am going to be the "straw that breaks the camels' back" (than I rationally think, I am not the only parent....though, my husband (her father) is just so sad and in denial about the whole situation and thinks she is just in a bad mood (for 3 years) I am going to just keep on keeping on & go with the premise when or if she is ready, that is the way it shall be!

I hope all is as okay is it can be with both of you and thank you for reaching out!

Hi Pook075,
Thank you for your last message and your comments/suggestions. My GF has been immature enough to take friends/acquaintances with her to the office of the money agency where she goes to pickup cash when I send her the support money and her companions were shocked and jealous to learn about the amounts. Now, my GF is afraid that those other ladies are contacting me for money. In reality, no one has approached me in any way and if they did, I know to disconnect immediately. Emotionally it is much more complicated and dramatic because in spite of my ongoing assurances to my GF, she is "convinced" that I am having relationships with at least two women one of whom, according to my GF, is part of a family of criminals and drug dealers in her province.
You can see the drama and craziness that I am dealing with!
I am just a simple 76 year old man with high principles and a simple plan in life. But I keep thinking that I should walk away from the relationship partly also because in my mind, after moving to the US and the marriage, my future wife won't have personal strength to resist suggestions from other Filipinas that she would meet socially in the USA that she should divorce me, get marital settlement  under California law and hook up with a younger man. I have a really good life right now and am afraid of emotional and financial turmoil I could be facing!
Thank you for sharing some financial numbers with me. The cost of living there seems so low!
Am I able to connect with you directly  to discuss further by direct email or phone calls? You have already been very helpful but since you already live in the Philippines and we share similar stories, I though I would ask. No problem if you rather not communicate directly.
Have a great day.

I'm worried, and unfortunately my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. Yesterday I met with my daughter (pwBPD) and her boyfriend for what I thought would be a pleasant breakfast. Immediately I realized ther was a problem..... she walked in prior to him and was upset....talking fast, on the verge of crying etc. Then he walked in after parking the car..... he was was stoic and white faced... like deer in headlights. Then he didn't want to order breakfast... because he "wasn't hungry". He was clearly very upet. Fast forwarding.... when he went to the bathroom, I asked my daughter what the problem was... trying to keep her calm. She was all over the place, crying etc., but then it "really" came down to a situation/issue with his 8 year old daughter that happened earlier that morning. All I was able to extract before BF came back out was that in my daughter's opinion, his daughter was being unreasonably difficult/demanding that morning...and my daughter didn't agree with the way he handled it.... and _____ hit the fan at SOME point. Again, I have no clue if something bad happened in front of the child or directly involving the child.... or if the major issue happened afterwards bewteen my daughter and BF when they were on their way to meet me. Anyway, by the end of a very long breakfast due to slow service, everything seemed to be smoothed over.... but I AM WORRIED.

Hi All

I'm 46 and my 74 year old mother has been a difficult person all my life and I realised after my dad 9 years ago that she ticks every box for BPD and myself, my aunt and my brother are in no doubt that she has it - not that we could tell her that! Age has currently gone in to another episode and is now driving my brother and aunt away, she's giving them the suicide talk but also treating them.lihw they've done something wrong but won't tell them what, she kept telling my brother on Sunday that he can't be trusted and was mean to him.avd this came on after months of winter getting her down. She claims to have stockpiles pills, she made a strange claim that a woman who works in a store in her town will.yaie the dog after she's taken her own life - the paranoid and suspicion seem really to point of being delusional behaviour! I've long since thought that she gets fantasies in her head which she believes are real as to what she perceives people have done.

Has anyone else experienced a relative with BPD becoming completely delusional? I did try and get her doctors to take seriously that she likely has BPD once but they didn't want to know! It's so hard to know what to do! She's very cruel when she's like this abs she is of course widowed and  living aline in these delusional states!

Thing is she is like egg shells too, she thinks we don't speak to each other about her and sees it as cardinal sin to do so and would go beserk if she knew that we confide in and support each other through it! It's like BPD people forget what family means! My brother is 51 and just getting sorted with a very overdue ADHD diagnosis and meds so it's not fair what she puts him through, my aunt lost her husband suddenly and prematurely just a year after my dad died but my mum doesn't seem to care about that. It's all about her really bad it's frustrating as I know it's the illness but we seem to be stuck with forever dealing with jit. She has driven most other extended family away or refuses to have anything to do with them - again it's always perceiving in her own head that they've done something!