Notwendy,
Yes, some people are onto her behaviors including the HOA President who refuses to give her unlimited control over how much of the HOA money she spends like she had in the past.

As far as my family goes, I am in the process of untangling myself from the financial obligations. I have been pleasantly surprised by a few family members who have treated me with fairness and kindness. One is forwarding me essential family emails though I asked him not to get involved in getting me reinstated on the family email in any way because he gets along with the rest of them and if they knew he was helping me, they would likely target him and his close family members.

It is amazing to me how many people are flying monkeys.

Thank you for your replies as I work through this. I think I am just at the point I can no longer tolerate this neighbor.

It sounds like the neighbor is receiving some of her Karma. Hopefully enough people will be "on" to her that she will lose her control abilities.

As to your family- they have been targeting you for a long time. You've had some past financial entanglements with them- I hope these are getting resolved or at least lessened. I know it's hard to deal with disordered people when you don't feel others are reliable. It doesn't sound like your family is worth your investment in the relationships and I hope you are able to disengage with them. Being put off the email is hurtful.

I understand the shock of seeing rude behaviors. I usually don't expect them and I am stunned for a while before responding.

Hi there,

I like your question because it secretly gives you an answer.  You ask, how do you move on?  I think, you keep moving.  I'm a big believer in actions, especially ones that involve forward momentum.  Hobbies, exercise/sport, learning new things and spending time with friends can be a big help here.  Like Pook says, if you keep busy, that will become your focus, and then the past will gradually seem more tolerable.  Moving on implies not staying stuck or hung up on things you can't control.

I have a sibling going through a rough divorce right now.  The whole thing took him by surprise, and he's doubting his very identity.  He feels a mix of shame, regret, anger and grief.  One time when he was really down, I asked him to recall some moments he felt happy--anything that came to mind, nothing was insignificant or stupid.  He named one thing, and I said, Great, how about another?  And another?  And another?  And another?  After naming around a dozen happy moments in rapid-fire succession, I said, Well it seems to me that there are some themes here.  You seem to be happiest when you're outdoors, doing something active, or spending time with friends.  How about you focus on trying to do more of that in your life right now, when you most need it?  You have an opportunity here, because you don't have a partner to worry about right now (their schedule, their preferences, their needs, etc.)--you can pursue what makes you happiest with no guilt!  And I'm pleased to say that he started moving again.  He goes surfing.  He joined a pick-up hockey team.  He took a ski trip with some friends.  He joined a men's bible study group.  He goes for walks with a friendly neighbor.  Now when we talk, at least half of the conversation is about all the great stuff he's doing. 

Now, I'm older than my sibling, and physically I'm way past my peak.  But this year, I started cross-country skiing, whenever there was snow on the ground.  I also started stretching every day as a New Year's resolution.  I exercise my brain with daily foreign language lessons.  Sometimes I work on artistic projects, and sometimes I undertake small renovation projects.  I nurture an herb garden.  My point is, people have different tastes and aptitudes, and those can evolve over time.  But moving--as in, staying active--makes for a happier, fuller life in my opinion.

As for friends, you could try to reach out to some older ones.  I do that every so often.  I'll say something like, I thought of you and thought I'd check in to see how you're doing.  More often than not, they're delighted to hear from me, and we'll make plans to talk or get together.

Good luck.

That's really the million dollar question...and I wish that I had a million dollar answer.  I don't think any of us do though.

For me, my marriage ended in similar circumstances and all I could do was take it one day at a time.  I spent so long being "that person" in "that relationship" that I didn't have any idea how to just be me.  Over time though, I found old friends and new hobbies.  There wasn't any particular day that I thought, "I'm over it!"  Instead, it was a slow adjustment of my new reality and actually finding myself once again.

I can feel the pain in your post and I'm so sorry that you're still going through this.  All I can say is, tomorrow will be just a little bit better than today.  Stack enough of those up and mix in some new friends, and you'll be well on your way to a new chapter in life.

One other thing; I found that the busier I was, the easier I let go.  I had to stop binging Netflix; I replaced that with bike rides every afternoon and it helped a lot.  Anytime I was home alone with nothing to do, my mind would wander and I realized that it made more sense to go for a walk, visit a friend/family member, or find something productive.  I actually started volunteering at a local organization so I'd just be busier in general; all these things helped me a lot!

I do think the neighbor is being held more accountable for her behaviors than in the past. She used to have a lot of people who worked for her, regular visits from family and friends. There has been a considerable decline in who works or visits her since she retired several years ago. She used to be in charge of her work facility so she had plenty of outlets for her controlling demanding behaviors. Now the primary focus seems to be on her home and the HOA. I do believe that disordered people usually get worse with age.

Recently she hired a man to wash her windows. She kept complaining about the job he was doing even though he explained to her he could not do what she was demanding. He asked me to come over and evaluate his work. I said no and told him there was no way she was ever going to be happy with what he was doing.

I truly feel sad for her yet I know there is nothing I can do but go low contact as my attempts to be nice to her just result in her using me as her target to unload her unhappiness on.

I am the target of my disordered family. Recently I was dropped from the family email because they found out I was still on there by something I posted which was short and positive. I also have been betrayed recently by several people I though I could trust. The neighbor would not bother me as much if I had more people I could trust around me and less contact with disordered people. Slowly I am maintaining a few close relationships while letting go of the unhealthy relationships.

Hi,

Just about a year ago I had an amazing relationship with a girl I knew in college end just before I was graduating. After a breakup, loss of a friend, and feeling lost after graduation in general, she filed a restraining order on me. It ended with dismissal and jay agreeing to stay away.

The point of this is she was so important to me and I still care about her. I understand that she has a disorder and that it is so hard for her to be around people, specially me, and also be in those emotions at the same time. I know I have to let her go and I think I have done a tremendous amount of work already to the point where I don’t have depression anymore and I’m not constantly thinking about her, but it still lingers in my mind. I haven’t gone a single day without thinking about her at least a little since the breakup.

I’m going to another school to get a masters and I’m hoping that a change in scenery and a purpose is what will help me move on. I’ve done so much work in therapy just understanding that these connections I had with her and another friend who took her side were two of the most important people in my life that were just one day there and then they just weren’t anymore and I’m hoping to find more connections at college. I guess my question is how do you move on from someone who you thought was your life, especially when you still love her?

Thanks

Well, I screwed up last night and liked an old instagram post of hers... Anyone else do something like that?

Notwendy,
I wish it were possible that my neighbor would get nothing from me and move on. Unfortunately she is obsessed with having the whole property fixed and maintained the way she wants it. She has been hell to deal with for the President of the HOA, no matter who is holding the office. She will leave me alone for a while then comes after me for something.

Recently she had a meltdown in my presence about not getting her way about how the property is maintained. Right after I blew her off as quickly as possible, she immediately called someone and said she was being abused. She is just not a safe person to have as a neighbor.

It does work to give her less attention, though there is no safety as to when she will be on the attack again with her abusive demands and behaviors.

 

TelHill,
Yes, it is about changing how we portray ourselves to others and how we genuinely feel inside to stop attracting people who are like our disordered family members who just want to use us. Being aware of the red flags are important, yet being comfortable in our own skin while comfortable setting boundaries can limit how much we are involved with disordered people. I am working on being too friendly and not fawning over others.

I keep reminding myself it does not work to confront my disordered neighbor, yet there are times when I just have to say no to what she is doing.

I think NC and ignoring the neighbor is a good plan. I think a response or reaction to their behavior may be, in a way, a reinforcement to them- they know they can "get to you". It's also possible that this, to them, is an interaction, if they can't interact in normal ways. No response isn't a reinforcement to them. They may then move on to someone else who does respond to them.

Also protect yourself and your boundaries. If someone does something physical to your property without your permission that is a violation. It may be that a restraining order if needed. Still, less is best I think -when she gets nothing from her behavior with you, she may move on.