Updating this again, mostly because I think it'll help me continue to process and deal with these experiences.
Last post was in August where I mentioned I felt 'resolved'
Around July-August she was pressuring me about 'trying again', and after some effort she work on a non-official disclosure about the betrayal stuff to help validate 'my reality of experiences'.
That kicked off some very useful anger feelings: 'she really did gaslight me that whole time'.
At that time towards the end of August I decided that I would not want to 'try again'. And communicated as such to her.
Response from her was pretty much on-brand, and very much a crash-out.
A crash out that I continue to have to deal with since then.
Kinda want to just dump a bunch of the fallout here:
- She removed access to the disclosure docs, confirming that the only reason she 'owned up' to all the stuff was to try to get another chance with me... (luckily I saved some of the docs before this)
- In October I found out she moved to the apartment building right next mine...yeah
- We share a community through our hobby. End of August I mentioned I would avoid common meeting areas for a period of time (out of trying to be nice, which was a mistake

). When I tried to come back to the common meeting activities, a mutual said she asked if I could give her more time. Luckily I said no and went back to seeing my friends and hobby.
- I was confused at the time why this happened, but came to learn that she has been becoming closer and closer with various community members that used to be more 'my friends'. So guessing she wanted more time, without me there, to integrate with the community more.
- Only my best friends, most of whom are not in the community, know all the relationship history.
- It's annoying, but basically I have proceeded to do nothing about all of the above. I just try to continue to enjoy my hobby and my friends and 'erase' her presence from my vision.
- I also don't think I should really talk to community members about any of this. I've definitely thought about it, and thought about blowing up her whole life, especially since I have the disclosure docs

, but .... yeah.... not doing that.
- I guess I kinda understand now when folks would talk about being triggered when sharing space with their abusers.
- She no longer does the blog posts, but occasionally I check her Pinterest (yes I know, don't come at me plz), and a month ago she added a section on 'healing from narcissistic relationships'. So yeah I'm a narcissist now. I'm the bad guy in all this

.
- However, I don't doubt myself or my truth or my narrative anymore. And
PLEASE READ the gottman couples therapist who was preaching to us about 'subjective reality' while I was still in crisis mode from betrayal trauma... hell naw.
- But yeah, all of her actions and narrative warping etc. I think the common theme is just whatever helps her cope. It's a bit sad I think but at her age she's been through a lot of failed friendships and a lot of failed relationships. A lot of hurt people on the other side. Over a year ago she said during a make-up after a fight "can't you see? I've been dealing with this my whole life".
- I think when you're in that deep, a lot of the patterns/traits/fights/etc. are all just survival mechanisms, helping keep things together, and the scary stuff at bay.
- The lack of closure or 'justice' is annoying and continues to frustrate, given the shared spaces and people. The false narratives are annoying. Time helps care less.
- In general though, I'm one million percent happier and more at peace compared to the turbulent times being in contact with her. I feel like myself again and my friends can feel that.
It's really strange sometimes looking back on last year. Some of the memories don't feel real. Very much a pivotal, life-altering experience. Now I know, I feel it in my bones.
One of my closest friends was pretty blunt during the whole thing and kept saying I shouldn't be in that relationship etc, but I kinda had to still go through it on my own time and make sure I learned what I learned. Even so, I'll still put this out there:
- If you are suffering in similar ways: de-tach and leave. Your time is so so precious and it is so so finite. Life will not end when you leave, it will begin.
Frieren Season 2, Episode 1: It's okay to run away from a scary monster.