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 1 
 on: September 25, 2022, 05:12:40 AM  
Started by Slothie83 - Last post by Rev
It is a fair statement because he is doing nothing, and will continue doing nothing.

In light of this, I’m reminded of a book that may be quite useful to you, It Takes One to Tango.

Here’s a talk by the author: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tuGun-lFt70




It's good video. I watched it. And I'd say that until he get's himself sober, then many things will be a challenge to take root.  Yes, I'd say that the alcholism is a symptom - it almost always is. Appearantly about 10 - 15 percent of the population have a real risk of physically becoming addicted and then the booze causes all other problems - which can mount up, etc. (But I digress).

I would encourage you to wait things out, maybe watch for smaller increments of his coming around, and tease him out.  At the same time, do check out Al-Anon. A support group will help you read yourself and develop some tools of your own to cope during these times where you need to ride things out.

Hang in there.

Rev

 2 
 on: September 25, 2022, 05:03:52 AM  
Started by Couscous - Last post by Notwendy
He may grow emotionally- as you will too. I felt like you did when the kids were little. I admit, at that point my decisions were about what was best for them. He's been a good father to them. That is important to me- that whatever issues either of us may have- we are good to them.

Part of my own emotional growth was distinguishing between wanting closeness and perhaps finding the "love" I imagined was out there when I was growing up. I question my own ideas of "love" as love growing up in my family was confusing. What is love anyway?

From my reading, it's a verb, not a feeling. That feeling of "in love" may be the initial high of a new relationship. It doesn't last - even for couples who "felt it". So the fact that you didn't feel that "in love" feeling may not be an issue over time in your marriage. Love, the verb, is different.

I think I had all my ideas of what I wanted in marriage but I had no role model for it- as if mine would be so completely different from what I saw with my parents. But marriage between any two people can be messy at times. Sometimes it doesn't work but if the main values are there- and actions on them- commitment to family, to each other- I think both can work at it.




 3 
 on: September 25, 2022, 05:01:53 AM  
Started by Hamster411 - Last post by Rev

I struggled very much today with the thought of reaching out. I don’t have many friends or family, so I feel very alone. When I try to make plans and no one reciprocates, it’s especially hard. Going out alone and seeing everyone with their friends and significant others gets me very down. It’s like, I had my person at one time too and didn’t feel like I was on the outside looking in. I miss that companionship and knowing that I always had her.

Yes - I can relate. Without friends who supported me, I'm not sure how I would have coped. I was in pretty rough shape. Rough enough that they didn't tell me how bad I looked and was.

So, here's a thought. It's been said that these relationships can be like a psychological addiction - my own mentor would often say two things - "Stop trying to have a conversation with someone who doesn't really exist" and "You can't have just a little bit of heroin".

With that in mind, it's also been said that "Quitting something is easy. It's not starting again that's really hard" - which means coping mechanisms and therapy can focus on fighting through the cravings and building a new life.  And I know that's easier said than done.   And I know that with time, it will come. 

Finally, have you shared your reservations with your therapist?  A good therapist will strike a balance between offering you suggestions and confronting your patterns of bypassing your core issues that is bringing you to therapy in the first place.

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev

 4 
 on: September 25, 2022, 03:25:55 AM  
Started by Hamster411 - Last post by Buddy Joe
I struggle with the decision. Most times, she was very sweet and enjoyed staying at home, spending time with our cat, scrapbooking, photo editing, decorating our room and watching her favorite shows. I loved that. However, her anger would rise up and cause issues. I never felt that she hated me though and that was what kept me motivated to work through things. I wonder if I pulled the plug too early before she could turn it around. At the end she was going to individual and DBT therapy, quit smoking weed, joined AA and was about to begin her outpatient therapy program (until she was hospitalized for the second time after the pregnancy hallucinations). Could we have turned it around and been a success story? I care for her very much still and wish her nothing but the best, I feel she is a good person.

Hi, Hamster411! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am still in the same situation and I did not leave her. A part of me chooses to believe that she will eventually get better overtime. I understand this will be for the long haul. It hurts when you've invested so much in the relationship and loved her with all of you. My pwBPD would always tell me that maybe I'm not the best life partner for her and she needs someone else. She would always push me away and break up with me without batting an eyelash. She tells me that it's for my own good and I should find a partner who's normal so I wouldn't end up broken by her.

I can't help but also linger on the what ifs. Should I just leave so she can focus on her own growth or is it possible to still be present in her life so we can do it together.

 5 
 on: September 25, 2022, 03:19:33 AM  
Started by Buddy Joe - Last post by Buddy Joe
I'd analogize it to a spider spinning a web, or someone setting a trap.  You need to recognize the signs of their behavior for what it is, and then refuse to enter into the trap. 

I will keep this in mind. I have to anticipate if this conversation I will be having with her is a trap to further be in the right state of mind when dealing with the accusations.

I fell into that trap once, earlier in my relationship with BPDxw, where we went somewhere and one of my ex-GFs was there, and one of her friends made a bit of a scene.  I didn't initially admit it was my ex-GF, b/c BPDxw was always so unhinged around the topic of exes, I figured she'd claim I picked that bar because I knew my ex would be there, along with a bunch of other nonsense, and I didn't want to "go there" so I just said they were some girls who knew me from college.

Well, when the truth eventually came out, BPDxw branded me a "liar" and said I could never be trusted, and bla bla bla, and my behavior justified her going through all my things, etc.  I eventually had to face all this down and refuse to keep going along with it, but it made a much bigger fight. 

I should've just said, yeah, my ex- was there, no I didn't know she would be there, and refuse to address any nonsense BPDxw dreamed up about what that meant, or whether she could trust me or not. 

I can completely empathize with you on this. She dislikes a specific person from my company that I am teammates with. We had a training during the weekend and it was mandatory, I barely spoke to her because my girlfriend is uncomfortable when I associate myself with her. I decided not to tell her that she was there. She eventually asked if she did attend the training as well. I told her, yes. Then that's where everything escalated that I was lying by omission regardless if I was trying to avoid a fight.

 6 
 on: September 25, 2022, 03:15:33 AM  
Started by Buddy Joe - Last post by Buddy Joe
particularly around getting dragged down into the proverbial "mud" when they would stretch the truth to pick huge arguments and then stand their ground that whatever else, they were not "lying."

I replied above to Waverider regarding a situation I've experienced with her forcing the truth that I hit her after waking me up when I was dead drunk. That was such a difficult pill to swallow or rather acknowledge because I am not capable of doing the things she accused me for.

So while the advice here on this site to not JADE, and not argue ad nauseum is 100% true, I say this part so you don't trouble yourself after the fact about whether they were lying or not, like I once did.  They are being dishonest either way, even if they are technically telling the truth (or claiming they are)

When things enter this point, how do you choose to be objective about the situation? When clearly it is made up or stretching the truth. Since we have to validate their feelings.

 7 
 on: September 25, 2022, 03:09:00 AM  
Started by Buddy Joe - Last post by Buddy Joe
It is hard, logic and reality play no part.  She is going to have her drama regardless of what you do. If you try to agree to keep the peace you will feel like you are selling yourself out, and she will probably keep pushing until there is conflict.

Hi, Waverider!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Thank you for dropping by and sharing your thoughts.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

This is exactly what I am afraid of. I am having difficulty figuring out if there is really a best way to validate her feelings without selling myself out.

She even told me that one time I got so drunk, I fell asleep on her bed. I don't know how long I was already asleep but she tried waking me up because she was having an anxiety attack. She told me the next day that I was being violent with her. When she woke me up, I held her too tight and even kicked her in the stomach. I was in awe when she told me all these things because I cannot remember anything from what happened the night before.

For the many times I got drunk after a party, I just vomit or blackout (deep sleep). Even when there were times I needed to be move because I was so drunk, I did not become violent at all. So it's so hard to believe her most especially when she would accuse me of saying something I know I didn't say. We had a couples therapy session one time, and she said something that I said, our therapist just told her that I didn't say whatever she was pertaining to. That's scary, man.

All you can do is stick to your truth, dont try to sell it or convince her. Then disengage if things are going downhill. The aim is not to get sucked in as much as possible. I know this is hard because what pwBPD want more than anything is validation, which means you agreeing with what she is thinking. However, it is never enough, so if you feed this the goal just gets moved, because they also want conflict so that they can pass "blame" for something or other on to you as they also crave victimhood. As you can see 2 conflicting goals, hence you can't get stuck in that place

When I questioned what she said that was she sure that happened, she got offended and said she wasn't making it up. Another time we drank with her family, I got drunk and went up to sleep. She tried waking me up AGAIN! And she said that I "pushed" her away while I was lying down. She got so pissed because her 2 kids saw it. They are 7 and 8. My partner tends to be overly dramatic, so if that happened most likely I was just making a gesture to not wake me up.

I asked the eldest one the next day after she opened up about it, the son just told me that I didn't push her. It's just how my partner interpreted it or chose to see it. This makes me question again the first time she accused me that I hit her. I would never.

But when I acknowledged whatever it is she was telling me was like agreeing with her that I am capable of being violent. She even pegged it as domestic violence and compared me with her exes. That was the worst experience she had with someone. EVER. While at the same time she shared with me that her ex-partners would strangle her or push her against the wall, sober or not. AND THAT'S NOT ME. But I'm still seen as the worse???

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

 8 
 on: September 25, 2022, 02:56:51 AM  
Started by Buddy Joe - Last post by Buddy Joe
You are experiencing very common behaviors associated with BPD from your partner. The most important thing for you to realize is that you are not alone because well you are on this board...we all get it and we have all been there. If you are interested in learning more in-depth feel free to peruse my posts or definitely check out our tools section here...

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. It's one of the things I really look forward to when I express my thoughts and feelings in this forum. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and for also shedding some light and giving me another perspective.  Way to go! (click to insert in post)

Of course, I just want you to feel welcome and to continue to engage here to help you along in your journey. If you have specific questions you would like my insight on fire away. Either myself or the team are around and we do keep a watchful eye here because we are fam here...its all about lifting each other up and finding a way to succeed together.

Thank you for sharing the link. I've started reading more about it today.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Thank you again for your time, SC! Happy weekend!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


 9 
 on: September 25, 2022, 02:48:28 AM  
Started by Buddy Joe - Last post by Buddy Joe
Disengage as fast as possible. Say something noncommittal like “Hmmm…” and figure out a pressing issue you need to attend to immediately. “I left the water running in the garden/I forgot to empty the dryer/the dog looks like he needs to go out,” etc.

During the argument or confrontation, I can just up and leave and do something else? Wouldn't I be disrespecting her? Should I say something else before leaving the room?

Logic is not your friend when you’re dealing with a pwBPD. They hate having their words and actions filtered through a logical process. Again, FEELINGS EQUAL FACTS in BPDLAND and trying to get them to make sense of their nonsensical behaviors and thoughts is an exercise in futility, and bound to cast you as an “abuser” in their minds.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, CAT!!! This is one of the main things that irks her. When I try to make sense of her nonsensical behaviors and thoughts. Every time I do that she just feels like I am retaliating and tells me my preference is a 50-50 relationship. When all I've been asking her was how come you say this and yet when I do it, it's wrong. It could be a petty fight or a huge one. It's my thought process that she hates. I believe in the saying, "Don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you." - Confucius

But this quote above, her understanding would be an eye for an eye. She would then bring up her 2 kids who punches each other and gets back at one another to gain justice. Then explaining as if I'm like her kids. My brain is exploding.

 10 
 on: September 25, 2022, 02:41:09 AM  
Started by Buddy Joe - Last post by Buddy Joe
She still complains about the way my family treated her before our wedding 12 years ago. At least a couple times a month.

Oh wow. 12 years ago? I am speechless. I've been feeling like crap every time a fight from the past resurfaces as if it just happened that very moment. There's no moving forward from it no matter how times have changed and I've adjusted to what would not trigger her.

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