No children with my uBPDw, married <1 year, met 2 years ago. My wife has unraveled significantly over the course of the last year and I’m struggling with the decision to stick with her or not. She started DBT a little over 4 months ago but in the last 5 weeks she stopped going to the skills/tools class and is just going to the talk therapy sessions. She had lots of excuses for it, but it comes down to a choice and prioritizing. She has said that those classes trigger the most shame because they seem pathetic. It also comes down to very specific actions—you’re either trying the tools in a spiral or not. She can’t avoid the ambiguity as well with that. Since I found out I’m having a harder time justifying all of the effort I’m putting in. I’m validating and validating, communicating with the SET-UP method, keeping clear, compassionate boundaries, getting therapy… Carrying the weight of this dilemma (compassion vs self-preservation) is brutal, and it’s harder still when she is avoiding treatment and accountability. She’s still very resistant to structured treatment or groups of any kind. She even suggested dropping the frequency of DBT to once every other week. It makes her pleas for me to be patient and insistence that she’s trying everything ring hollow.

Does anyone with experience have any insight as to how important DBT is? I know that if she’s not ready to face it, merely attending won’t help much. But are her hopes for practical things like a job and social circle being the catalyst for change realistic? Or is it just stalling/deflecting? I can hang with her if she’s on the pat past the point of surrender, but I don’t know that I can stay when it’s just enabling avoidance and costing me more than I can afford, financially, emotionally, creatively…

Thanks again Pook,

I really do hope I will have the chance to talk to her again. Right now it just seems so hard to believe in that chance because of the blocking although I know that could change. im Not even worried what happens if we talk again because I know her and if we get to that point I believe things will work out. It’s just getting to that point that has me worried.

Thanks for the help.

My 24-year-old child is still raging at me daily. Says she does not want a relationship. That would be a respite, frankly, if true. She immediately calls back to repeat it. When I stop answering, I'm "ignoring" her.

I've responded that I understand her anger over past things; I'm trying to do things differently. But since I'm not doing the things SHE wants, I'm selfish.

Ex #1: After being sworn at, I text that I care AND I'll talk to her again in a few days. She'll immediately rage call & text. When I don't pick up - I'm rotten and have not changed.

Ex #2: Says we never offer to see her and don't care. Huh??? We've asked to come every weekend! I've driven there and she wouldn't see me.
I try to validate - I see you feel that we don't care.
Her response - Knock it off - I don't "feel." It's true. You don't care. You are horrible.

Ex #3: She's furious we travel in winter. 
We validated - I'm sorry, we didn't know you would feel left alone.
Her response - ok, well, now you know, so you're not going, right?   
Her: I'm not doing well, and you just want to go on vacation (we work). You are horrible.

Ex #4: She calls to tell me she's blocking me. I say, I understand. If you change your mind, I'm here.
Immediately call & call & call to repeat it, and add that I'm selfish, etc.
I usually text and say - I hear you. We can talk tomorrow.
Response - more rage texts and swearing.

I share all this not to burden you, but to give you real-life examples. I suggested we could all try to make a fresh start and try to repair the relationship, but she said no. But then she'll say we don't try. If you can't JADE, what do you do in these calls?

I would welcome your experience.

Me and a girl I dated 3 years ago reconnected earlier this year. We don’t talk much cause she says she has no phone, and sometimes disappears for days, weeks or months. Hadn’t heard from her in a few months until 2 weeks ago she texted me telling me she thought of me but had no phone. We talked and I told her I hate how she disappears and how I’ve missed her and would like to actually talk to her again. I told her I wish I could go back in time and she said she missed those days and felt the same. She told me if she had a way to talk to me 24/7 she promises she would. Last night I told her I’d drive up to see her anytime, we live in different states. She told me I should come visit. I told her I still get emails from something we both used when we were together but joked since my wife divorced me I don’t need it, she said she also gets emails with my name and says it makes her sad and happy. She joked that she never filed papers to fully divorced me and still had my name tatted. I told her I was surprised, I figured she had gotten it removed. I told her I still have hers and thought about removing it but I didn’t have the heart. I told her I figured she hated me and wanted me dead cause the last thing she said to me 3 years ago was that she didn't miss me at all and to kill myself. I feel like it was a mistake saying that because she’s left me on read this morning and now I’m bummed because I thought things were going good and she wanted to see me again. My heads all over the place now hoping she texts back later or something. Is this normal? Should I not have said I thought of removing her name and figured she hated me I feel so stupid. I don’t wanna lose her again. I think she has some legal/drug issues she dealing with atm so I try not to take when she disappears personally, but it still hurts. I wanna send her another message but I'd rather not make a fool of myself. I was told this was called push pull or something, but I don't really know.

As I process this I'm now thinking I'm not gonna say anything, this is not my problem anymore.   Maybe he thinks I don't care at all, I have no idea what she told him.   She has been trying to hurt me in any way she can think of.   I think that is what is at the core of the legal dispute, and why it is not going away without a court order.   She started hanging out at the place I go to and tried to make 'friends' with everybody, and found a new boyfriend that works there that we both happened to know for some time.  So now she has been making out with him in public there.   She is just finally succeeding a bit at hurting me is all.   It is nothing compared to what she has been going through.   This will all pass.

I grew up with a mother who had BPD and now I'm living with an adult daughter exhibiting the same characteristics.  We've been to counseling separately and together.  The irony is she's a licensed therapist.  She justifies her behavior by blaming it onto someone else - whether it's me or one of her friends.  She will project her behavior onto me, and of course it's ok for her to do it but wrong for me.  Name calling and insults are her go to's. She will hold onto her anger for days.  I'm exhausted.

Divorce courts are overwhelmed with a caseload that never ends.  Since judges don't want to get decisions overturned on appeal, they want the litigants to settle which is why continuances are so common.  Strangely enough, our cases usually do settle, just not at first.

To blend my prior observation with Pook's response, can  you wait until your legal case is over and you get the final decree, then decide whether and how much to say?

What I’ve learned is that smear campaign works when they can recruit people who are toxic folks themselves. If those were frenemies then the smear campaigns would expose them and you are able to move forward knowing you didn’t lose healthy friendships.

In my case, my family of origin live I. A different continent but were as toxic as my ex so when my relationship fell apart he didn’t here any use in recruiting my family of origin as I had already cut ties with them. If he continues to relate with them then it’s to his disadvantage as my FOO are users who would only take from him.