Hi GrayJay,

My prediction is that things will get worse, but you'll just stay and adapt.

Find out how to heal your wounds that cause your codependency. Only then will you be able to step forward in whatever direction you wish. In the end, it will improve your relationship.

Sorry you're going through this.  It is painful to be on the receiving end of someones anger when there is very limited to no ability to repair, which requires both sides to be willing to take accountability.  She is an adult making her own choices and unfortunately she doesn't see the long term impact those choices will have on her life and others around her.  I like your idea about the letters.  Do it.  Using grandchildren as pawns is hurtful and abusive.  She is denying her children an authentically loving relationship with their grandfather. 

It may be time to quietly share some of this increasing discord with them.  However, there may be unexpected repercussions.  Depending on how much they've been indoctrinated over the years, would they side with her?  They may get involved and then the conflict might rise to an even higher level. 


Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting are traits of BPD.  Life is full of gray areas, neither black nor white, yet the warped perceptions enable such "all or nothing" views.  Reasonably normal people would realize that.  Ponder the difference between "sins of commission" (a person acting-out, harming others) versus "sins of omission" (a person acting-in, harming self more than others).


This was a huge trigger for my ex.  I was to the point of virtually stuttering in an attempt to always phrase my responses as innocuous as possible, even with my coworkers.  She would criticize me even for standing in a group where a young woman was standing.  It's been a couple decades, but I remember pulling up to a stoplight or stop sign and she told me not to look at an older woman crossing the street in front of us.  I was driving, looking in front of me is expected.  Well, except by a too-critical spouse.


I wouldn't call it "planning" since your wish is to have a pleasant retirement, rather that you're "getting your ducks in a row" for whichever way things go.  Maybe preparation for the future, whatever it is, is a less daunting phrase.

In case things get tense and an incident occurs where legal allegations are made, likely she would claim "he always..." as though a divorce would punish you for claimed {whatever} from years and decades ago.  I and many other have been through divorces and one consistent judicial outcome was that any unsubstantiated serious complaints older than 6 months prior to filing may be heard, considered as bickering and legally hearsay, and otherwise set aside.

Of course, this is information for you.  Your lawyer would strongly advise you to not share any legal perspectives or strategies with your spouse.  Sadly, legal tidbits you may share could enable your spouse to focus on better ways to sabotage you.


My ex also would vent when I was driving.  We were alone and, just like at home behind closed doors, she felt free to "verbally vomit" as was previously phrased.

Toward the end of my marriage my then-spouse would flame out at those around us.  First, friends were dumped, then our relatives, even my elderly parents.  Perhaps she didn't sit down and plan it that way, but in reality I was increasingly isolated from others' support.

In those days, recording devices were quite basic.  But I decided I needed some proof I wasn't the aggressive one - she always claimed she was the "victim" - so I did have some recordings just in case needed.  And if protecting myself (quietly, without triggering her) documented her rants and rages, well, so be it.

Hi lisaea1523 ,

That's great that you are using the tools on this site, but I'm talking about something much deeper that is only about you and not about the relationship.

For instance, in my case, although I had gone through harsh times in my childhood, I didn't have any trauma, so I thought I was ok. But I only realized I wasn't ok when I was struck by a life event. I had an excellent job, but I was losing it after 10 years because it had become boring and I couldn't do it anymore. So they changed my contract, and I knew it was over. Suddenly, I got the feeling that the world was coming down on me. I felt weak and totally unprotected. At the same time, I was able to notice that my emotional reaction was not supposed to be so strong, so I began investigating what was wrong. It turns out that I had some wounds caused by emotional neglect.

It's now time for you to do your own investigation and subsequent work towards healing. You might have to do this before making progress in your relationship.

It may be strange to people who haven't seen these dynamics but it's very familiar to me.

My BPD mother would come up with "reasons" for her wishes but the the reason she presented often was not the actual reason. The actual reason was more about her anxiety and inability to tolerate being alone with her own distressing feelings.

For my father, not complying with her wishes also cause anxiety for him over what her reaction could be.

If he complied, this lessened her anxiety and also his. This is why your situation seems to be getting worse. The more you narrow your world, the more your wife can have her feelings soothed. This also lessens your anxiety. It's a self reinforcing pattern for both of you. Reinforced behaviors tend to persist. However, doing this also takes an emotional toll on you.

People assume if someone is being controlling that it has malicious intent but it also is a way of managing anxiety. I don't believe your wife actually thinks you are going to run off with some woman from a group. I think she fears you will talk about her, doesn't want to be alone for the evening. She may feel threatened by someone possibly having an opinion about her.

I think you are familiar with change being one step at a time. If the men's group is something more doable, it's a good place to start and it's fine to have a men's group. I think it will be a good thing.

That mix of shock and disbelief is really common after taking a formal step like that, especially when nothing on the outside has changed yet.
Add birthdays and holidays into the mix and it can feel especially surreal.
Go easy on yourself while it settles.

Hi again.

Your dd's  anger prevents her hearing anything you have to say which has been pretty much much been my experience too.

Im so sorry 

Hi again,

One tactic I've noticed with disordered partners is repeated attempts to control and isolate.  Does your wife throw a fit any time you try to see friends, leave the house, pursue any life independent of her?  Does she "punish" you any time you dare to carve out some healthy time outside of the home to pursue something you enjoy?  Whereas before, when you were employed, you were compelled to have a life outside your relationship, now your wife thinks you shouldn't be allowed to have one?  I'd advise, this is a controlling tactic, and not healthy in the long run.  I have erected a boundary in this regard, which is, I'm not letting myself be subject to house arrest.  I'm determined to have a life outside my home, even if it means my partner throws a fit.  When he does, I let him have a fit, but it doesn't deter me.  I'm not saying I'm being intentionally mean, or that I'm having an extramarital affair, or that I choose to ignore my partner's wishes.  I'm saying that I'm supportive of having friends and pursuing healthy activities outside the home, and I expect support from my partner to do the same.  Because that's healthy, whereas it's unhealthy to be islolated and under house arrest all the time.  It sounds to me like you would benefit from a network of friends and support groups now more than ever.  I think that's especially true in retirement, when social circles can sometimes contract.

One thing I do to get out of the house more is to make plans myself, while extending invitations.  I'll say, "The forecast is nice, I'm going skiing/hiking/to the beach.  Do you want to come?"  My partner usually doesn't want to go, but I think he likes feeling included by being invited.  And I get a lovely experience out of the home.  The same goes for events in the community:  "I'm going to check out the local event, want to join me?"  "I'm going to the town meeting, want to come?"  "There's a new cafe in town, I want to check it out, care to tag along?"  And so on.

Just my two cents.

No need for apology SuperDaddy, you grow a thick skin when you have been in a relationship with a borderline for nearly 30 years and are then discarded.

I appreciate peoples thoughts and points of view.. I can take constructive criticism or harsh facts if Ive made mistakes as without them you never learn anything.

Yes the point about the drugs was something that I originally thought was the sole problem for our marriage failing, until I learned about bpd and hearing a lot of peoples experiences.

Happy belated birthday. 

Your thread is posted twice, but I'll comment here, as this seems to be the more recent one. 

It sounds like you have some time to prepare before your attorney files and serves your STBXW.  I'd make sure to get organized now.  I don't remember if you're moving out immediately, or cohabitating for some period of time while the divorce is pending, but I would find a safe, secure place and keep all my records there: notes from your attorney, evidence or things you've collected or drafted about the divorce, financial, personal, medical records you might need (including for your kids), etc.

Also, create a timeline of next steps, deadlines, hearing dates, etc. so you can stay on top of things you have to do, decisions you need to make, or responses you need to send.