Good.  Glad you solved the putative puzzle of Bachelor #1, at least to a good point for now.  Keep us posted.  You still have some good years ahead of you for children so for now I think you should party-on, so to speak.   I let all my exes convince me not to have children and at 49, I'm not sure I'm completely fine--with that decision.

You know, I have the calendar years to back me but since I don't have any children I'm kinda like a 29 yr old, just with 20 years experience. (haha) I haven't had to "grow up" that way.  Although I do have cats, and have had cats all my adult life.  And as Charles Dickens says... "What greater gift than the love of a cat."   I think it's actually ok.

Hi Trying2survive and welcome to this family that understands the complexity of living with/loving and BPD child.

First of all can I say how much I understand the isolation that you feel, especially when this is something friends probably won't understand because it is a mental health issue. I remember the relief I felt when I took dd to a paediatric psychiatrist at around 15 or so and he said 'the normal behaviour management strategies probably won't work for you'.

I was so relieved because I was listening to others, trying out what they advised and yes it was making it much worse.

Have you read some of the material on this site? If you can that would be a good start. None of us are experts and we all have different experiences, different approaches. By reading other posts you can get an idea of what others think/do and then make your own plan.

Gosh I also can relate to working through fear.

It is good that you are connecting through zoom and able to get some support that way.

One of the words you hear a lot about is 'boundaries'. It's something I've really struggled with over the years, but I won't go into all that in this post - would take too long!

But one thing I read here really helped me: someone posted that it was better to see 'boundaries' as what was needed to protect you from the relentless chaos of trying to support someone with BPD.

That was such a help to me - it turned the focus to what I needed. Sometimes just a regular timeout helps one survive this journey.

If you would like to share more detail about what you are going through, we are hear to listen.

What you wrote almost exactly 4 years ago is spot on, Confused4now.  I think some people who are on the board today and looking for closure can benefit from your words (especially the last paragraph).  Cant Breathe, Deep Blue...check it out.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316815.msg12913133#msg12913133

Hi FuzzyBunny, and thanks for posting after a long hiatus.  I think you brought up some really good points about how a person is likely to keep finding themselves in the same situation until some changes are made, more potential BPD relationships--ick.  Glad to hear you broke the cycle, what, 6 years ago now?

I think your description of yourself fits many of the people here and why we get stuck in those toxic r/s and how our partners wBPD take advantage of that.

 
Hi Confused. 15 months out, I'm feeling like you are.  Although I can't stand being alone, the thought of getting into another BPD r/s has me so scared I'd rather face the loneliness than jump into a bowl of toxic soup to get pulled down into its vortex of doom!  So you give me hope I can make it (twice as long?).  You know, it may work out for us after all .  It did for FuzzyBunny, although another 4 years of crud isn't very appealing.  We may need to take a leap of faith.

Thanks for the rant, glad it made you feel better.  How are you feeling today?  Yesterday wasn't very good, but how about now?  How about right now?   Can you make yourself a cup of tea and listen to Rachmaninoff? 

I know a month ago you had a nice action list you shared and one of the points was looking up a therapist.  Did you have any luck?  If you still can't find a professional to talk to, how about other people?   A supportive friend or relative?

If you're feeling the way you're feeling talking to someone should be at the top of your list (after a cup of tea and some nice music, of course...).  There are call lines too, and you can remain anonymous like here.  There's someone on the other end that likely has the right words and can understand the cold blue hell you've found yourself in.

I think you're doing pretty good on your self-help.  Trying mindfulness and reading a lot on the condition.  Maybe you're making more progress than you think?  Maybe it's too much reading, though too.  More music maybe.

You put some effort into this post.  I get a good sense of the place you're in, and frankly I wouldn't want to spend much more time there.   My BPDex never put effort into anything, or could express her feelings, so you should give yourself some credit for that.  It's not nothing, as I'm replying to something.  If you do one thing, maybe another thing can be done, who knows...maybe even three things!

Not too fast though, a cup of tea or a nice hot latte first, treat yourself for your progress.  Put Glenn Gould on, and thank yourself for caring enough to share your pain with others so it doesn't have to be stuck in you.

From my never to be named pwBPd, I would say it's the ability to shoot a camera (she was a filmmaker). I'm not grateful to her, but it's a skill that will stay with me.

From my second... hmm. I don't know? I think she never really loved me, so perhaps there were no selfless gifts to carry forward.

But I like the question you ask very much.

Thanks for the input!

The breakdowns usually revolve around triggers, i.e. family stress, financial, or generally feeling overwhelmed. My response is usually to gently ask what I can do for comfort and ask if she needs anything. If she lashes out in anger, I shut down sometimes, but I try to do everything possible to not escalate the situation. She becomes unreasonable, picks unnecessary fights, expresses intense feelings of hopelessness, and sometimes talks of wanting to self harm.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, and yelling and rage are triggers for me, so it is tricky.

Hi Can't Breathe.  I'm sure it's going to be rough.  You have a 30 year connection, so 30 rants probably isn't out of the question here.  I know others have been tried to be sucked back in by their exes, but I'm in your camp of nothingness. Saturday will be 15 months of silence.

So you're rowing a boat upstream (stay with me here, I'm going to try and make a point), and you can't see behind you.  As you row you bump into another boat going downstream and yell out "Hey, watch where you're going!".  They apologize. You continue to row, and another boat bumps into you, "Don't you know what you're doing?!" you say to the operator.  They apologize. You continue to row and a third boat hits you, and you turn around ready to scream, but there is no one in the boat.  There's no one at the tiller.  It is empty.  What do you do then?  How do you cope with your sense of injury?

My situation isn't parent / child, but I'm in the same boat and my kids will be in your position someday.  It pains me to know the circumstances I have brought them into.

Right before we got married, an employee (and good friend) of mine passed away from heart failure without warning just minutes after he left work.  I was the last person to see him that day.  We weren't living together yet, but the lack of empathy from my uBPDw was apparent, though I had no idea what I was walking into.  Weeks after we got married, another very good friend (that was at the wedding even) passed away and needless to say, I was in a funk about it.  After a whole entire day she wigged out on me and said, "I can't deal with you when you're quiet like this.  Are you going to do like when B died and go into your cave?  I need you here for me." and she had nothing of her own like that going on in her life.  It was all about her and I was aghast.  I told her I just needed some space for a few days to process it and I'll be fine.  I wasn't weighing on her about any of it, I just needed some quiet to think.  Then she strong-armed me into going to a family party the next day that I told her I didn't want to go to because I wasn't up to it.  She said I could be alone there but she didn't want to go by herself because she'd be embarrassed, then she regretted my going since I wasn't exactly the life of the party and for years afterwards all I heard was how I ruined her day.

I didn't need her to take care of me or offer any sympathy, but I sure didn't need her adding to the burden either.

About a year later our downstairs neighbor we liked at our apartment was taken unexpectedly in a work accident.  He was a drunk with no license so he rode a bicycle everywhere.  She was tearful and mourned him for all of about two minutes before they turned into tears of, "What if our new neighbor drives and we lose our extra parking space?".  I could go on, but you get the point.  

Easier said than done, but do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself and don't let her rob from you any energy that would be better expended helping your son.  All my best to you and him on finding the best possible outcome for his treatment.          

ILMBPDC,

Thank you for responding, and feel free to post as much as you like! Please do! In no way could you hijack the post! The more thoughts and personal experiences the better!

Thank You,
Deep Blue