Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I also have a 27 year old BPD daughter (and a BPD ex-wife).  I can relate to so much of your journey and I fought many of the same battles.  I think I knew something was very off when my kid was maybe 5 or 6 years old.  The teenage years were catastrophic though!

The best advice I ever received was from a psychiatrist who laughed at me.  He actually laughed at everyone and our secret nickname for him was Dr. Happy.  We brought our kid to his hospital for her 6th or 7th in-patient stay (first time at this hospital) and he looked at my ex-wife and I with puzzlement.  He asked, "Why are you still here?

I explained that our child had BPD and this happened, that happened, and that she's a danger to herself and others.  But he laughed at me and repeated the question.  "That's why your daughter is here...but why are you still here?"

I repeated the same things, all the ways I want to help my daughter, and he continued to laugh at me.  I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone or something because it wasn't making any sense.  I thought maybe he didn't understand me.

Finally, he said, "Do you think that you have any impact at all on your daughter's mental health?"

And of course I did.  I'm her dad and it's my responsibility to protect her, to guide her.  More laughter.

Finally, he explained that I'm responsible for myself and I have zero control over anyone else in my life.  The same is true for my daughter, and I was trying to work harder than she was to overcome mental illness.  He stressed that it doesn't work that way, I can't save her and I can't heal her.  Only she can do that for herself.

With that, he came back to the original question- so why are you still here?

My wife at the time finally spoke up and said, "Well, what are we supposed to be doing then?"

And Dr. Happy gave a pretty epic answer.  He said, "I don't know.  Go see a movie, take a beach vacation, have great sex in the living room.  That's not for me to say.  But your task for the next week is to let go of this ridiculous burden you're carrying by thinking that you can do a single thing that can make your kid better."

My life honestly changed after that day by fully understanding that my kid is in control and she won't get better until she's personally ready to commit to therapy.  I could scream, I could plead and beg, and it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.  The way to get past something in our lives is to actually get past it...nobody can do it for us.

So I'm telling you what Dr. Happy told me- stop being a prisoner to your own guilt and shame.  You can't save your daughter, not even the best doctors in the world can save her until she's ready to actually make changes.  You can save yourself though by focusing on your own mental health and letting go that mountain of fear.  Let your kid fall down, let her struggle.  That's the only way she'll actually realize that she needs help in the first place.

That's what we did and several years later, my kid took therapy seriously.  She actually sought out Dr. Happy, even though she hated him at first, and the changes in her life were substantial.  She's still mentally ill, of course, but she has such a great handle on checking herself and learning to avoid self-sabotage.  It helped me heal as well though by realizing that it's not my burden and I can only do so much.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

Lawyers practice law, and they don't get paid unless you're a client.  So I'd advise to do what you feel is in your best interest and not necessarily what attorneys are saying.  No one here will know Singapore law enough to give you practical advice, but it sounds like "unreasonable behavior" is going to be a very messy path to take.

Note that I'm not saying, "Don't get divorced" here.  I'm simply pointing out that going that route doesn't sound like a peaceful one.  If separating for four years is a reasonable reason for divorce, then why not just separate and see what happens?  Or maybe you can't under the legal visa circumstances...I don't know.


My divorce to my BDP ex-wife wasn't typical here, because there was no scorched earth and we really didn't fight about anything.  We split things 50/50 and anything she wanted from the home, I told her to take it.  And I took that stance because my main focus was our young adult daughters...I wasn't going to argue over "stuff" or "money" when that wasn't the most important thing.  My ex and I are still on good speaking terms because I was able to go that route.

My advice would be to talk to your wife about what she wants long-term, and what's best for the four of you.  If she has a boyfriend she's thinking about living with, or she wants to go overseas for projects, then where does that leave you and the kids?  I would talk it out and see if you can find a happy medium where you're both getting what you want and the kids know mom and dad loves them.

Again, my path wasn't typical...but I promise it was/is the best possible path by far.  Try talking things out and stepping away with grace.  If that fails, okay, then you consider the legal advice and the long battle it will create.  I don't think you have to start there though and your wife may surprise you.

I hope that helps!

You are not selfish!  You are dealing with reality!  And having the opportunity to read your post and tell you this helps me to see the truth of my own situation. If you were talking to a friend in this same situation, you would tell them to go!  You would point out that you cannot help people who don’t be helped and that you are only destroying your own life. Go in peace!

That alone is reason to be keeping your distance. Who knows what she might say or accuse you of after working wth you? Has the study coordinator - who you say you normally never deal with - been influenced by her to try and get you on the scheme?

Seems strange that, knowing your history with her, management seem happy for you both to work together.

Hope you can find out what's behind this - seems a little fishy to me.

All a tattoo would have done is to remind you of her and would only have served to keep you attached, not an aid to breaking away.

A BPD relationship - as you now know - is unlike a 'normal' relationship where you decide to end it and it's a clean break. With BPD we always have the 'if I try this will that make it work?' thoughts because the relationship is utterly addictive and we look for any means to keep it going, even though we know that nothing is going to change and the chaos will continue.

We seem to discard all sense and logic in our efforts to keep a toxic relationship; we know it's bad for us but the tiny amounts of joy we do get keep us hooked. The hardest part is to be able to finally say 'I'm done' and mean it - it took me 4 years of grief before I did it.

Good to see you're now in a happy relationship. Nice to be with someone without having to be on guard for the next explosion. Best wishes.

Just wanted to drop a final follow up here..... I've been out of contact with my BPD ex for quite some time.  I've been in a extraordinarily healthy relationship for about a year and a half and it's looking pretty solid for the future.  I consider my time with my BPD ex as a gift in which I learned things about myself, but perhaps most importantly that other people's emotions are not my responsibility.  I wish her the best, truly, and that she finds the love she needs.

Oh my goodness. I am not very good at using this platform and I had almost resigned myself to the idea that no one would respond.  I looked again and looked more carefully and saw all of your responses and have burst into tears.

I don’t know where to begin even.

I have come to the reluctant conclusion that a divorce is necessary and that we are not going to make it through a collaborative process to implement the divorce.  I’ve been trying for two years to get things on a better footing - initially to preserve  the marriage and then to try to achieve a amicable divorce- and every time I think I’ve made a breakthrough with her, she does or says something that is incendiary. 

My family lawyers are urging me to apply for divorce. The only grounds available to me that don’t involve being legally separated for four years is “unreasonable behavior”, and the court filing would need to chronicle all of the bat_____ crazy things that my wife has done over the last few years.

My priority is to deliver my teenage daughter into living environment where she can expect stability on a day-to-day basis so that she can focus on school and friends.  We have engaged my daughter’s therapist in a process where she would make a recommendation as to what the living arrangements ideally would be. My wife has dangled in front of me the idea that she’s going to move in with her boyfriend or move to Thailand for her philanthropic work, but then pivots back and say says no no no my daughter needs me with her. Which is self evidently not true at least not on a day and day out basis right now, as much as my daughter loves her mom enormously. 

And my immediate problem is that an important set of exams are two short weeks away, and I would love to come up with a short-term arrangement that would assure her a calm environment. i’m taking her on a short holiday during the exam prep. So things will be fine for those four days.  But there is the rest of the time.  I’m thinking that if I can’t get my wife to agree to something else, then I’ll remove myself from the situation and stay at a nearby hotel,  taking my daughter aside and explaining that I’ll never be far away. 

Does anybody have any perspectives to share about this? And then on the long-term project of coming up with a living arrangement over the 14 months left before my daughter graduates from high school, is it a wasted effort trying to get my wife to buy into a plan that my daughter’s therapist is working on?  In which case do I just need to plough forward with legal proceedings and leave my 17-year-old to advocate for herself as things unfold.

I have tried in the past to get a family therapist involved who could help mediate, possibly liaising with my wife’s therapist, but my wife has really shown Little interest in working with her therapist or involving a family therapist. I have urged my wife to hire lawyers who then could interface with my lawyers and  :help:remove some of the acrimony from our own interactions, but she seems reluctant to give up control to lawyers. 

Things are a mess. I’m sure I’m close to losing my job. I’m only barely holding things together for my daughter. I’m racking up legal fees that will quickly deplete my hard earned retirement nest egg.  And I could end up in contentious divorce proceedings on two continents. 

I will read your messages more carefully later when I am at my screen rather than using my mobile phone, and provide comments to some of your specific comics and questions.  But in the meantime would be happy to hear from any of you, if you have ideas on any of the above or just to tell me that things might end up OK in the end.

 :help:Attacked again! I am just feeling so vulnerable, angry, sad! Both daughters are attacking me! Both have BPD. It hurts because they make it so completely personal and treat me as if I was garbage! And I didn’t even do anything!! I move out in two more days and I feel guilty because I can’t wait to get away from them both! Only thing is my grandkids are here and I’m going to miss them. But I have to get out of here! I’m not helping I’m hurting! Need distance from the chaos from the hurt! Need my life to be my own. Keep telling myself I’m not selfish despite how often they tell me I am! Please help me with some words of comfort!!!

Greetings BPD family,

I'm seeking support.
My 27 y/o daughter whose displayed criteria for BPD since age 12, recently went into RTC treatment, and I believe she was finally properly diagnosed after 13+ years of self harm, SI and Suicide attempts, as well as overall risky behavior, violent outbursts, and utter chaos. I had to sit and cry for a few minutes after I got the news she'd received this diagnosis from the RTC she was willing to go to after 10 years of not having treatment for her mental health and substance-use disorder issues.

I think I came in here to find support and validation, as well as not to feel so alone as I have for the past 13+ years, especially with no professionals seeming to get her criteria. I've lost myself in many ways over the years trying to "save" and help her and over the past 10 months, after a few years of focusing more on my own well-being I got the inner sos to show up for her at a deeper and "don't give up on her this time" kind of level, which appears to be paying off. The only challenge is that while in treatment, she went AWOL and left one day, but came back. The reality is she's in an unfamiliar town and has trauma from living on the streets over the past few years. Yesterday, she had a breakthrough with her therapist's support, and it's only week 2 in the RTC, and she shared how she's grateful for this opportunity. Then, today I got a call; she's hating it again, and this has been how her life has been in general. I remembered her, and most BPD people often engage in "splitting", idealizing, or devaluing someone or a situation, and that this is normal for her as she's done it most of her life. Where I'm at is I know I need support and tools to rebuild my foundation and set healthy boundaries with her now that she's in treatment. I'm seeking guidance on how to break chaos patterns, stop trying to save my daughter, and learn to live with her BPD.

I want her to learn self-regulation and learn how to rely on herself, and I've become quite enmeshed and feel attached and responsible for her outcome because I fought for her to get into the RTC for the past 2+ months, and even crossed my own limit and let her live with me. I'm ready to live my own life and focus on my own well-being and joy, now. I'm reminded here that I require my own healing and self-regulation and that this is my opportunity now. I'd love any book recommendations, support group suggestions, or other resources for moms and parents. I have a music career, and I'm a Voice & creativity coach, and I'm 50 years young, ready for my next chapter. I have a great therapist, yet I want to be pre-emptive and give myself more support and be prepared for when my daughter calls like that- so I can be stronger for myself and her. Thanks for hearing me.

A Mom who loves her daughter, and who's remembering to <3 herself



 

Well happy birthday to you my friend!!!  My daughter didn't call me or text on my birthday either.  Cheers! Hope things get better.  I know it's so heart breaking but what can we do. It's out of our hands.