Hi there,

I'm so sorry about your daughter, the situation must be really scary for you.  I had a similar situation when my adult BPD stepdaughter attended college, right around the same time that I married her dad.  She started using marijuana daily, experienced a crisis, made a first suicide attempt and landed in the hospital.  By the way, after around a year of self-medication with marijuana, her executive function declined precipitously, and on top of her wild mood swings and bouts of unbridled rage, she was paranoid and delusional.  On some occasions when under extreme stress, she seemed to lose touch with reality.

Like your daughter, my stepdaughter was in and out of McLean.  I felt that the treatments there helped stabilize her, and yet, she wasn't really "ready" to do the real work of therapy at first.  Since she was technically an adult, she felt she could do "anything she wanted," and she generally didn't want to do the recommended follow-up, because she wanted to do other things.  I'm not sure if her executive functioning was intact enough for her to apply for treatment programs, make appointments or execute the administrative side of arranging for her own care.  In a way, I felt like McLean "dropped the ball" once she was discharged, believing that a young adult can manage her own care by herself, and make rational decisions about follow up.  Sure, her dad and I wanted her to get follow-up care, but at the time she was belligerent and uncooperative.  Her dad, in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, allowed her stay at our home for an extended period, basically on "vacation," while sleeping the days away, using marijuana and being disrespectful to us.  Eventually he let her re-enroll in college, because that's what she wanted to do, but against our better judgment, because she wasn't demonstrating that she was in a good place when living with us.  Alas, that was basically setting her up to fail.  And this cycle--falling apart, withdrawing from college, getting a little treatment to stabilize, living at home on "vacation," going back to school, repeated.  Each repeat was worse than the last on.

I will follow up with more later.  In the meantime, take a deep breath.  Things can get better if your daughter takes therapy seriously (and stops using marijuana in my opinion).  McLean has great programs, provided that she's "ready."

Okay, so the advice changes a little since your son is out of the home.  That actually makes this 100x easier on you because it doesn't have to be a daily blowout session at home.

Think about what you said.  Your son:
- can't hold a job
- can't get along with co-workers
- always gets frustrated and quits
- doesn't have any friends
- can't get along with anyone
- is tolerated by relatives
- is passionate about marijuana

What part of any of that is a "you problem"?

The truth is, none of that is your concern.  But here's the problem.  Because he fails at all of that, I'm assuming that you're supporting him and still accepting his abuse.  That's the part that has to stop.  He can do whatever he wants because he's responsible for himself.  But he can't bite the hand that feeds him and expect for it to continue.  That's the lesson you must teach.

Here's the other part of that.  The more he realizes that his attitude isn't doing him any favors, the more likely he'll be to get mental health help.  As long as you're bailing him out though and showing that life doesn't have consequences, the more he'll take advantage of everything in life and create destructive patterns.  You help is actually enabling him to become sicker- you must see that clearly.  That's the only part of any of this that's actually your fault.

I stumbled on this site trying to find reviews for the Gundersen Center at McLean before we sell our souls to save our daughter.
Her issue as I’m sure many are, is complex…we’ve heard that a lot lately. She’s been in and out of treatment starting after a traumatic event her first semester of college 2022, which led to catatonia. As of her most recent stay at McLean impatient, she was diagnosed with underlying Bipolar but more specifically BPD due to trauma. We definitely see the borderline patterns and she seems more stable on current meds but unsure at the same time. She was discharged from another program 2 days ago for behavior issues ( in our opinion due to some medication changes) that I believe could’ve been handled differently. We are at our wits end, the last program told us she needs intensive, residential DBT. So we are looking for a program, again.  Our once very bright, very compliant and successful daughter is someone completely different now and we just want to find healing.
So I’m hoping to feel less alone and maybe find some direction. I’m sure many are aware the system is difficult to say the least and we have had some terrible experiences, unfortunately piling on to a family already in crisis.
I will add that we do believe smoking synthetic THC over the last 4 years has complicated this situation drastically.
She also experiences FND seizures.
Thank you for this space.

Hi HereForTheLove
I can really relate to your description of how you feel waking up and trying to go to sleep at night. I know when my anxiety is really high when I feel sick in the stomach on waking. It is awful.

I remember at times feeling as though I was going to physically fall apart!

It is really difficult to take control of this anxiety response, but well worth the effort I think. I can only tell you of things that I have tried. Breathing is important and helpful. In the morning when I wake up feeling sick in the stomach I consciously take about 20 slow, deep breaths and repeating something as I do so.

It could be the 3 Cs - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it - while breathing. Perhaps a line from Nelson Mandela's 'Letting Go' poem would be good - ' Letting go means I can't do it for someone else' or 'Letting go means to fear less and to love more'.

One of my favourite mantras is one that I thought up for myself 'No matter what happens or who thinks what, my DD has been loved in her life. So many are not loved, but my DD has been and is loved by me'.

You might find your own sentence that sooths the fear and apprehension that overcomes us on this journey. It is a challenging and hard journey with BPD. It's such an impossible condition!

Also when you wake up, be sure to appreciate yourself - sometimes I bring to mind all the people who post here - my mind sort of 'circles' the world and I imagine people in every country coping with BPD as I am. It is an enormous comfort to me - I am not alone on this journey.

Just a few thoughts and ideas from my journey with BPD. You are not alone; you are on a very challenging and difficult journey; you have the right to feel tired, sad, angry, hurt - and any other emotion, because this is how it is with BPD.

100% agree and came to this conclusion myself before our final breakup(we had gone back and forth breaking up but Everytime I left her she would lose her mind or use my stepsons to guilt me into coming back). The last time she left me she left me while I was beaten down and at an extremely vulnerable and low point in my life. I knew then, 5 months ago, I would never go back. I accepted the breakup and walked away. It became clear immediately that I was thriving without her.

Yes it became clear to me soon after the breakup (5 months ago and how I went immediately grey rock and neutral towards her) that I had to walk away. The abusive and devaluing comments got worse, attempts to provoke jealousy got worse, etc. as I reacted to nothing and gave her no response.

I went strict no contact for the first month. I started getting charm attempts immediately after and attempts to make me jealous. I reacted to nothing. I came back into her life after a month for my stepsons. She tried many times to make me angry, make me feel replaced, provoke jealousy, etc. and she got no reaction from me. After 2.5 months she alienated the boys from me. She didn't get a reaction from me about this either. I had a very special bond with her sons since I didn't have a dad growing up and neither did they. I was in all terms there father without the label of being there biological father. I loved them and they loved me. The email replies from the boys became less and less so I sent a final email to them (my ex wanted me to go through her for contact with them which I refused that mind game) and I told the boys I loved them always and would always be there for them in the future. This email caused my ex to respond back through her sons email account and herself with an excuse why she was monitoring her sons email. It was clear and the tone of her reply that she didn't want me abandoning her and the boys and that they all loved me. We emailed back and forth me and her sons for a couple of days until something I said to her son must of inspired envy in my ex because she responded back within 1.5 minutes of me hitting the send button on email. She replied back as herself and subconsciously admitted her envy of me, her respect of me and how the boys respect me and only listen to me and she said love you at the end. Her response was adult level spelling skills and very familiar to her style of communication. I feel she realized immediately she had broke character and was caught impersonating her son. I didn't reply to or acknowledge this last reply.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3061562.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Thanks so much for your responses - I'm still figuring this out and coult not figure out how to reply to each message individually, so count this for both. I like the 5 actions, and the fact that I will fail at them before I get them right, that gives me HUGE permission to be human. My son is an adult - he is almost 40, and has only lived on his own for 6 months. He cannot get along with other people - friends, employers, family, store clerks, people at the gas pump, other drivers - he is down to me and my husband, who is not his birth father.  That makes it really tough - he cannot keep a job, it always ends up in a blowup and he quits or walks out. Family members are cordial to him if necessary, but that's it. Friends - nah, those went by the wayside long ago. He does have a passion, and that is cannabis - grows it, smokes it, spends hours each day taking care of his plants, who cannot talk back to him.

As far as boundaries, I've been unsuccessful at setting them, but am resolved to get better, no matter how many attempts it takes. I personally feel I need therapy as well to deal with my own reactions, and turns out I got an appointment for Monday so I feel really good about that.

Again, thanks so much for the kind words from everyone. I will be reading lots and learning lots, and I look forward to an improved, not perfect, life. (Although I will say i get jealous when other people have sons who are successful.) I should also say I have a daughter who is not BPD or NPD, she is high functioning in every area of her life. I am grateful for her in mirroring that I was not a failure as a mother.

Did this.  I sued after 2 years of divorce to flip custody (i.e. make myself the primary custodian).  Initially made some progress; judge ordered us to mediation immediately.  The mediator (a retired judge) said that if this case had got to her with the facts of the situation, she would be chewing my ex-wife out, and telling her she needed to get a grip on herself. 

She also said she and her partner (another retired judge) had a half-dozen cases like mine over the years, and while a judge might not flip custody,  she said they had seen juries do it - i.e. a jury would go further than the judge would.  She said something like these were cases with a bitter ex-wife constantly bad mouthing the father, trying to turn the kids against him, blowing through child support, etc. and all ruled for the father.  That surprised me. 

So I was able to get a couple temporary changes to our custody arrangement that benefitted me, and made things a little better.  And with the threat of the lawsuit hanging over her, BPDxw started behaving better. 

Then my attorney, who was from the county over - and from a prestigious big money divorce boutique law firm - got circles run around her by my wife's attorney. 

We pushed for a GAL attorney for my daughter.  BPDxw's attorney suggested one, and my attorney agreed.  I later learned this GAL attorney had been fired from her previous job for chronic absenteeism, and was basically relying on favors like this from BPDxw's attorney for cash.  She took forever to schedule appointments, didn't show up, and had what I considered to be improper social contacts with BPDxw at her house, like going over for dinner and things like that. 

That took up a year, after which time it was like "okay, what was this all about again?" 

My attorney started neglecting the case, and giving me lousy advice (she should've told me my best bet was to take my earlier wins and make them permanent in a settlement agreement).  Instead she allowed it to go along for another year and a half, at which point in time BPDxw's attorney was able to get it dismissed completely. 

So my advice:

- if a GAL is appointed, it better be someone your attorney has vetted and knows to be professional and impartial
- strike while the iron's hot.  Do not let things settle.  Time is not on your side
- you might have to take a settlement for less than you wanted, but you can always file another lawsuit, and something is better than nothing.