My Spouse of 39 years was diagnosed with BPD, about 3 years ago. It was mostly “dormant” until she suffered a traumatic health issue. I’ve been trying my best to hold on and provide love and support in every way possible. It’s so heartbreaking and exhausting for me… I keep wondering where it all went wrong…The beautiful memories of life and love. The joy of living everyday with each other. The minor struggles and difficulties together with disappointments, were trivial throughout life because we always had each other, and our love for each other made the struggles disappear. The difficulties and challenges, would be carried away like a feather in the wind.
I know it’s an illness, but accepting that reality doesn’t mask the pain…
I’ve been desperately trying to reach out to anyone and anybody who can understand what I’ve been going through. Someone who could relate to me because they themselves have experienced this.
What to do, and how to go about doing it. I’ve tried contacting support groups for loved ones but I can’t seem to reach anyone.
I’m the Lighthouse keeper, in what seems to be a never ending storm. I’ve been tasked with having to keep the light on no matter what. I’m just tired, really tired.
I’ve tried to set up Therapists trained in DBT. She will see them for a few sessions and then say, “I don’t like that Therapist, they’re not empathetic enough for me”. This has gone on for the past 2 years.
The worst part of trying to cope with her illness, is when she experiences “splitting” and I become the enemy and the “abuser”. In our 40+ years together, I have never raised a hand to her or uttered an abusive word, and yet, I’ve now been subjected to regular bouts of rage and terrible verbal abuse.
Where has the beautiful, loving partner who has always been my “soul mate” gone? Each time I mention therapy, I’m rebuffed with replies like “I have too many health issues at the moment and until I feel better, I can’t speak to anyone”…
Family members have all but disappeared, because they all admittedly say they don’t know what to say to her for fear of triggering her BPD.
I feel as though I’m in a minefield with a map and the map keeps changing. When she experiences some minor physical issue, it’s always catastrophic. She will insist on being taken to the Emergency Room or to the Doctor to be checked. Countless Trips to the Emergency Room with multiple MRI’s and CT Scans all come back normal or negative. Not only has it caused a great financial burden, but the toll it has taken on my own mental and physical health, has been evident. I’m not allowed to  feel sore, under the weather or even sick, because if I mention a physical problem, I am then told my pain is nothing compared to hers…
I know this post is long, but I feel so alone with no one who seems to be able to offer any words of advice, guidance or encouragement…can someone please offer me a kind word, perhaps to serve as a simple matchstick to light up the darkness I feel enveloping me…

Absolutely. I think that’s why autobiographical memory is so powerful. It’s like time travel. Like your example with the music. It connects you to a previous version of yourself. That’s why old friends are so meaningful. And, again, romance.

Because it has a certain color to it. It’s not the same as family or even friendships. It has a gravity. A pull. It draws two previously unknown people together and hands them a pen. And together you start writing a story that, one day, you hope will mark you in time. Like those songs.

And the beauty of it is the other person talks back. The songs can’t do that. They’re timeless but inert. That other person can turn to you and say “yes. I remember that too”.

I don’t think we realize how immensely powerful that is. To be held continuously in someone else’s memory

It's understandable to blame the benzodiazepines and a possible missed diagnosis, but the diagnosis of BPD can be very hard to obtain and even not possible. There's no medical test for it. A therapist can only know what the pwBPD is telling them. They may not tell the whole story in therapy. From what I have heard, my BPD mother did not.

Also, there's no medication specifically for BPD. The recommendation for DBT therapy is relatively new compared to the older medications. For DBT to be effective, the pwBPD needs to accept the diagnosis and be willing to be open with the therapist about their issues. My mother could not do either.

There's also the history of the use of addictive medicines. Probably only in the last 20 years was there action to diminish the use of them, once there became an addiction epidemic for some of them, mainly opioids. There's an old Rolling Stones song "Mother's Little Helper" - released in 1966 about Valium- which was being given out to housewives at the time as a way to release their stress. It was so common that this song became a hit song- as so many people knew what they were singing about.

It's not that the NHS did anything "wrong" with what they knew to do at the time. This is what they thought was the right thing to do at the time for the symptoms your mother probably came to them for.

Addiction is complicated. There's the physical aspect and then, the emotional aspect- what drives someone to become addicted. All addictions are a way to escape emotional pain. I do believe that if it wasn't benzodiazepines, it would have been something else. For BPD mother, it was alcohol at first- that also reduced her inhibition and led to rages. Then- like so many women in her era- and probably for your mother some time later- she got benzodiazepines

In recent times, now that there's more awareness of the addictive nature of drugs like opioids, and benzodiazepines, there's been an effort to reduce prescribing them and also to regulate them. At one point, my mother's doctor sent her to rehab to get her off them. Although she was not physically dependent on them for a while after that time, emotionally, she could not cope at all. She was miserable. Her anxiety was overwhelming, her emotional distress- which was caused by her BPD- was extreme.

It became a quality of life decision. She did not follow through with the therapy recommendations. She was emotionally struggling. She restarted medicine with the supervision of a psychiatrist. There are better medicines for anxiety now but even those didn't take it down enough. She did better when a benzodiazepine was added.

There's the ideal- if your mother could get off her medicines, and do DBT- that would be the recommendation now. But now, you have a woman in her 70's who has not had DBT or learned other coping skills, and if she's not willing to do that now, the less ideal choice may still be the one that fits her.

I understand the anger at it though. I felt that too. I felt that if only BPD mother would stop drinking, or stop the medicines, she'd be a lot better. But when I saw her off everything, and saw the extent of her emotional distress, I could see it was worse for her. 

You are all absolutely nailing the way my mother is, it's like we all have the same mother! My mother didn't bond with her parents that well especially her mother but her mother had every BPD trait too and was not a great mother. My mum harbours this weird jealousy about my aunt who is her younger sister, it's like shes the older sibling that still has that very childlike jealousy that my aunt was born and took attention away from my mum.
My mum in recent years tries to invent things that she claims my grandad did when she was child such as sexual abuse, beating her up and leaving her locked in her room for days - she lived in a household of 8 people! My great grandparents were under the same roof and three other siblings and this was never seen to happen. My poor grandad in all reality dealt with an awful lot due to my grans probable BPD!

I'm feeling annoyed with the NHS here in the UK because I read today that benzodiazepines make BPD worse! So have we had to sustain 40 odd years of abuse and childhood violence because not only did they misdiagnose her but got her addicted to something that makes it worse!

Very true - out romantic connections are probably the deepest thing that happens to us in life so they make good reference points for our life journey.

I actually find music to be a strong reference point too; pick any year from my past life and I immediately say 'Oh yes, X,Y and Z songs were in the UK charts then' and I can instantly flash back to what I was doing and who I was seeing then.

The 'You are here' is also a good indicator of when to finally give up on a toxic relationship when you finally see that 'You are here; she's broken up with you again' seems to be happening forever.

As disheartening as it is to contemplate ending a dysfunctional relationship, there are positives there.  Not that you want it, but you've had a decade and the home environment has gotten worse, not better.  (BPD is a disorder impacting most the close relationships.)  Change does come at a price, no normal person wishes to end a committed marriage.  But it continues to be one-sided, one trying to build up, the other tearing down.  When what you're trying to accomplish continues to be sabotaged, then what?

One positive of separation is that you can recover a bit from the disrespect, verbal attacks and endless conflict.  As they say at the start of every flight, In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others.

Another positive is that your children would experience the difference between a reasonably normal and stable home versus one that is ever-changing, stressful and continually in conflict.

I and so many others here have faced that dilemma.  In my case, my ex was threatening to disappear with our preschooler.  Whether she would have or could have done it, who can say for sure?  But it reached the point where I had no other choice but to protect my parenting.

Meanwhile, read and learn from the time-tested wisdom recorded here, for example, improving your communication skills may make a difference.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are resistant to therapy (denial, blaming and blame shifting) but therapy is the best long term option for a better outcome.

I agree that the drama and even some of the crisis were attention seeking but for a reason we were not fully aware of. Dad had been a significant emotional caretaker for her. When he got ill, his ability to do this changed and also the situation was understably stressful for BPD mother. Her BPD behavior escalated. It was verbally and emotionally abusive. I had to have boundaries with this.

For a person with BPD, admitting that they have any issues causes them shame. If BPD mother wanted something, the reason she would give for that wasn't usually the reason. Rather than to ask for attention, she'd come up with drama. It worked for her as it brought attention to her. However, ignoring the drama also didn't meet her emotional needs either.

BPD mother was angry at me at the time my father passed away and didn't have much interest in contact with me for a time. She kept her public persona up with other people. I kept contact with her and other people would tell me she seemed to be doing fine. In reality, she wasn't. She was OK physically. Emotionally, she was not. But I had no way of knowing.

Eventually, during a visit, we discovered by accident that she had taken out a home equity loan a while back, didn't tell us, and also had spent a lot of it. Realizing she had to have done this due to running out of money, we asked for information but she refused. Later, when relatives became concerned, it was apparent that she was not managing on her own. She had to move to assisted living- but it was her relatives who were able to convince her, not us kids.

Eventually I was able to participate in discussions with her health care providers, as I had a POA. BPD affects the closest relationships the most, so ironically, BPD mother would accept advice from other people better than she would with me.

But what I did learn about BPD mother is that she could not handle being alone. When she was alone, her anxiety would be overwhelming. Not wanting to admit this, she'd cause drama instead, and people would attend to her. I also realized that in her own way, she did want a relationship with me, but due to her BPD, she couldn't have a relationship without drama and the closer one is to her, the more her behaviors are involved. For her, drama was the relationship but I felt the need to have boundaries with the drama.

I think adult children of a disordered mother are in a different situation. We want a relationship with our mothers- a normal one, but it's not ever been normal and it can't be. My mother's elder years were just another version of this wish. My peers were helping with their elderly mothers. Even if there were challenges- due to dementia, or changes in personality- the bond was there, formed over many years. Also, it was reciprocal. It wasn't like this with BPD mother.

The stage of having elderly parents is a challenge,  but I think it's one that adult children still can manage in a "normal" situation. Dealing with BPD is different. Your mother may be stirring up drama because, now she's on her own, she wants the interaction with people but doesn't have the skills to get this in the "normal" way. Do the best you can while also preserving your own emotional well being, your own family, your job and other responsibilties.

Hi there,

Inventing a dramatic life story sounds like typical BPD to me.  It could be a bid for attention--YOUR attention--typically of the sympathic-pity sort.  In addition, your mom might crave drama, as she finds it stimulating, and she gets a reaction out of others.  She might be trying to develop a victim narrative--My real parent abandoned me, it's so unfair, poor me, no wonder I'm such a mess, it's THEIR FAULT!  But my guess is that saying her parent isn't her "real" parent is code for, "I never really bonded with my parent and I'm upset about that."  Is she talking about her mom?  Not bonding with the same-sex parent can feel especially traumatic.

I think my natural inclination in this situation would be to ignore the whole narrative.  But sometimes validation is recommended.  You might say something like, It would be disconcerting to feel your parent wasn't there for you, and then see where it goes.  If you're feeling charitable you might say, Well I'm glad you're my mom and I love you.

On another note, I have an elderly relative in my life who is a "dreamer" sort.  Since I lie on the opposite end of the spectrum (I'm a doer and more logical/less emotional thinker), I found myself being bothered by her "fantasies."  An example is when she'd talk about getting married again--in her mid-80s after being single for the last 50 years.  She talked about a wedding, honeymoon, etc. when she barely leaves her house, let alone date anyone.  It just sounds completely DELUSIONAL.  I found it was best for me not to engage in this sort of talk, because it would make me upset, talking about fantasies like that.  But she's going to do it anyway, because I think she likes living in a dream world.  Since I don't, I try to refrain from egging her on when I'm with her.

Maybe you're sending too much money. You could stop sending money altogether or cut 90% of it, then justify yourself by stating that sending money seems to be a problem for the relationship since it seems to be bringing problems to her (her sister and neighbor may be provoking her). And it brings a problem to the relationship as well since her accusations are making the relationship unfulfilling for you.

My personal view is that I would be extremely uncomfortable with a situation in which I send money. Unless I was really buying some service (which doesn't seem to be your case).

In a legitimate romantic relationship, I would only do it in specific situations, such as buying her a new cell phone after her phone broke and she began to talk to me from someone else's phone. Or perhaps if her place is too hot, I could buy her an air conditioner, which I would also make use of when being there with her. But she would have to pay the energy cost when she uses it without me.

I had a histrionic ex who was spectacular at sex and was willing to make any sacrifice for me, but one of the reasons why I gave up on her was that she was too materialistic, always interested in luxury. I felt like she lived an artificial life.

Horselover,

Thanks for your insights!

My nervous system can get back to normal very quickly. I think that helps because as soon as she stops yelling, she can notice my better mood and absorb it.

When I said all other drawers were in the same state, I was using logic indeed, but in my view she was not dysregulated yet. Though I realize she was being defensive already, using illogical arguments to defend her ego. So I get your point. I'll extract the parts that I agree with you on and add my own suggestion on how to approach the topics:

• Do not counter nonsense with logic, as it will make things worse. As soon as your BS detector is triggered, step back and let them know that you'll leave that for another moment.
• Do not question a behavior in real time, but instead wait for some time (perhaps even a couple of days) and then approach it in a positive way.
• Do not question a behavior directly, and instead talk about facts. Instead of saying that they burn and scratch the pans, describe how you love when your pans are preserved as new, because it helps both of you with the cooking. Instead of saying they shout at you on the phone and hang up, focus on the fact that you really liked when your phone conversations were pleasurable and ended up with kisses.
• When bringing up a delicate topic, first clarify your goal. If possible, describe it as a shared benefit, such as improving the relationship. Then describe the desired (ideal) situation and why it is important for you. Next, describe the undesired reality that you see and how you feel about it, while still avoiding pointing out their behavior. Finally, as an invitation to bring them into the conversation, ask them how they can help you with that. If it works, then they should get motivated to find out by themselves which behavior of theirs can be changed.
• Accept the fact that the relationship has limitations.