BPD's can lie with total sincerity because in their distorted world everything they say is always the truthful version. They can re-write the facts and firmly believe they are correct.

My own ex-BPD claimed I never bought her anything, while actually wearing gold, sapphire and diamond jewelry I'd bought her as she said it. Their detachment from reality can be frightening - how can we ever cope with that?

If we lie there is always the guilt we may be found out but a BPD can lie so smoothly. I've often wondered if they could easily beat a lie-detector - I imagine they could as they genuinely believe themselves.

Just weeks ago, I remember looking someone seriously in the face and saying, 'He wouldn't lie' with absolute certainty. Shortly before evidence came out to illustrate that he had, indeed, lied to my face, and with the appearance of total sincerity.

This was his misdeed, but my mistake.

Pook, you are so right about feelings lying to us. Part of the detaching process is turning away from examining how his feelings were an inaccurate gauge of reality, and looking at mine. The old 'love will conquer all' was certainly there for me.

Under, even after the relationship is over, I still have an impulse to 'keep going' in terms of 'fixing' or solving things or coming up with ways that he can somehow return to integrity. It relates to a desire to reconstruct the story so that somehow, even though my feelings and evaluations of my former partner were objectively wrong, 'really' they were right, 'really' our relationship was as I understood it and I can trust my feelings as a guide to fact. But I can't.

I haven’t been on since late 2025. My husband and I split in the fall and we ultimately decided to give it another shot after I had invited him to spend  Christmas with kids and I at Universal Studios. In hindsight I should have set stronger boundaries and not been so easily swayed with his good behavior over the course of 4 days . By January 2026 he had moved back in and shortly after my father and law had moved out. I had hoped my FIL leaving would get things “back to normal” but shortly after he left my husband started acting paranoid, harassing me, calling me names and threatened to start stalking me. My health took a sharp decline. After going to primary care physician i found out I was pregnant. After telling my husband that sent him over the deep end. The name calling became 100x worse. He said the the baby couldn’t possibly be his and he’s taking me off his health insurance, I need to make that other man step up to the plate . All the mean and deplorable things you would never expect someone who claims to love you would say. The stress of living with him and his constant insults on top of my morning sickness (which was all day quiet honestly) made me feel like I was in a fog. I couldn’t hold down food or water, my stomach was cramping so awful …I swore at anytime I would miscarry. He would say cruel things like “ your probably carrying a dead baby and that’s why your sick “ and beg me to get an abortion to spare him the perceived embarrassment, and even say he doesn’t care about me or the baby and when he looks at me he doesn’t se me as anything but a sister. After weeks had gone by I was resolved that I was done. This isn’t love. He looks at me with total disgust. I asked him to move out.  He went on and on to the kids that I like splitting up families (this is my second marriage) and I think I can do everything by myself. He left and I changed the locks. I went to my first obgyn appointment and the baby is healthy and my cramps have stopped. It nice to come home and not have heart palpitations. My mother wants me to file a restraining order but I feel if he isn’t threatening me anymore why wake the beast .
After my first sonogram the kids shared their excitement with him and he called me with a renewed interest .huh? When he told me “ I don’t care about you , or this baby, so when the time comes don’t call me” I took it seriously. He wants to name the baby and be there at the delivery. Then he goes on about still needing me to tell the truth and be honest about the paternity . I told him he could do that when the baby is born and I file for divorce . I told him I will only be communicating through text message otherwise I’m not going to respond. A few weeks have gone by and he’s been cordial again. Fast forward to today  he demanded to speak with me on the phone about getting into my apartment to grab a few things while I wasnt home and wanting to know if changed my door code and told me if he guesses it he bet he can figure it out. Then he asked if I was messing with his father (for the millionth time). His behavior reminds me of a drug addict (he’s a weed smoker ). Then he calls back this evening and says he’s trying to be involved in the kids life including the baby and he’s doing his part (by keeping me on his health insurance and contributing to some of the household food) and I’m cold towards him. He wants to name the baby, and be there during delivery , etc and I’m thinking  no way!
He’s trying to intercept my peace . I’m not cold, I’m direct and will only talk about the kids with him . He wants me to let down my guard and tread him like a friend. He’s manipulative and needs serious help. But as much as I want to say he’s sick I’ve watched him turn his bad behavior on and off (in seconds) so it’s a choice.

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Many thanks for your response.  Yes, worst of the addiction, rehabs, falling down and getting up, are behind him. I am grateful he is alive while several of friends and acquaintances have not which is also deeply traumatic for him (although he places the blame on me for that too when he is raging) However BPD symptoms were relatively new, approx. 2.5 years old, more classic splitting since the past year or so. With suicidal ideations that transformed Yes, has significant worries about future - license, worry about finances.  I wouldn’t call it high functional at this point due to deep emotional turmoil, and alienation he is facing due to his aggressive communications and loss of all his friends. With family, there is ancient past that anchors his rage day in and day out in the present.  With friends, spiraling out and recognizing the damage done later and regretting was the pattern over the last year.  I get curious if the BPD symptoms can remain dormant but show up during a certain growth phase and facing a certain environment. If that is logical, hope to believe with the right work he could overcome. Understand DBT is the key for self growth but is joint therapy with me to help heal the old wounds helpful? Or, is it more critical that right now he needs to focus on gaining skills for extreme emotional dysregulation? Thanks

My 27yo daughter was diagnosed with BPD at 16. When I found out about her illness I read Stop Walking on Egghells by Randi Kreger and it helped me understand so much. A few years ago she made some poor choices and was involved in a very abusive relationship. Now she is working through the trauma. What are some resources I can find to help me, help her?

Welcome Welcome,

You've come to the right place.  It sounds like you've been on this journey for some time, and that you have a pretty good sense of what is going on.  Yet it still hurts to see your son suffer, as well as be the target of his blame.  I imagine that by now you understand that you aren't to blame for your son's BPD, no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise.  Here we talk about the FOG, operating in a cloud of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, which clouds our judgment.  I hope you're mostly out of the FOG by now.

Though your son is struggling, I see a few good things going on here.  First, he got undergraduate and graduate degrees--in spite of his addiction and emotional handicaps.  He might be a "high functioning" BPD type.  It seems to me that he can control his emotions and focus on the tasks at hand well enough to get the job done.  It may cost him enormous emotional energy, and yet when he interacts with you, he feels close enough to you that he doesn't have to fake it anymore, and he'll let his guard down, while letting rip his pent-up negative emotions.  Still, it sounds to me like he does have capacity for self-control and executive function, and that would be reason for hope in my opinion.

Secondly, he's young, and he's getting some psychological support.  With the right treatment, my bet is that he could learn some skills to manage his negative thinking patterns and emotional outbursts better, before negative BPD behaviors derail his entire life and become deeply ingrained.  If he's actually attending therapy sessions, that's sign he's working through some issues.  Now, sometimes I think that talk therapy might not be the best type of therapy, if he recounts negative incidents over and over again.  With BPD, the gold standard for treatment is DBT, which I understand focuses on distress tolerance, mindfulness and emotion regulation.

Thirdly, your son has YOU.  Even if he rages at you sometimes, he's still communicating with you.  And it sounds like you have some good boundaries in place, such as not responding to raging texts right away, while you keep the the lines of communication open.  I think that's a great way to handle things.  In essence you're giving him an "adult time out" whenever he has an "adult tantrum."  But you're still available to him when he calms down.  Even if he blames you for his problems, you are his greatest ally on the road to recovery in my opinion.  You sound like a savvy ally, too.  I really like that you ensured your son had "skin in the game" when working on his degrees, to keep him motivated to continue to move forward, but without making the cost of education becoming an unsurmountable obstacle.

However, your son is still raging at you, probably over ancient grievances.  My guess is that he's so fearful of the future that he regresses to the distant past, not only to deflect/distract from his current issues, but also to blame his family in the process.  My general opinion is that the farther back in time the grievance is, the more frightened your son is about the future!  And by blaming you, he's basically abdicating responsibility for himself and his own life.  That's why I think the "victim attitude" is the worst part of BPD--because it renders him powerless over his own life.  It seems to me that pwBPD spend so much mental bandwidth feeling aggrieved and angered by others, that they can't solve their own problems.  The result?  A life that looks dysfunctional, and fractured relationships all around him.  Does that sound about right?  That's classic, untreated BPD.

Anyway, I'd encourage you to read some of the posts in this section.  I bet many themes will resonate.  If you care to share more and ask questions, we will try to help based on our personal experiences.  Granted, everyone has their unique journey.  But many aspects of BPD seem to rhyme.

All my best to you.

Hello, this is my first post. I have been tearing up as well as finding strength in reading other parents' posts and the community support. I have a son who just turned 28—had alcohol and prescription med dependency since 2018. Managed to graduate from top schools with an undergrad and graduate degrees. We paid for college tuition while he received some scholarship money. We (I) required him to take a de minimus amount of student loans during grad school with the intent that he has some skin in the game. Especially, since roughly 2.5 years, under influence sometimes, or even otherwise, he would flare up, would rage,  via text messages, and incessant phone calls (30-40 rings, one after another). The anger is primarily centered around various grievances from the past - childhood, teen years, and present. He has a formal diagnosis of anxiety and ADHD. I was worried and wondered if it was intermittent explosive disorder, and was encouraging him to discuss with his Psych. Once he is done expressing rage with me, starting 1.5 years back, he would disparage and use extremely hurtful language to the younger sibling, claiming that would get my attention. Over the last 12 months, he was exhibiting classic symptoms of BPD. As I learned more about it, his symptoms - victimhood, childhood, past, suicidal ideations and attempts, became very cyclical. Every 1-2 weeks, emails, text messages (I stop picking up the phone now when he is in that state), I do not check or respond to text messages, in a way to protect my calm. This lasts for 1-3 days, then he goes back to his normal self. We have communication still via email (only) about current matters; he is respectful, says thanks, and such. During the splitting phase, the words are so offensive that I am stunned and pained that he could utter them.  The saga continues. I have encouraged him to join family therapy so he can express his grievances and listen to our side. We can all heal. It is correct, he has anger at the dad because the dad was not around, he had to witness conflicts between mom and dad as a child, and I neglected him because I was at work, leaving him with the dad during a school break. His relentless bringing back of the past and episodes in his life, we are bad parents, or you didn't leave dad, and hating me for that now. He sees a therapist and has a psychiatrist, but I'm not sure how much he truly shares about his struggles with his relationships. I do not respond to his emails when he is splitting (with threats, cursing). and briefly state that I cannot engage with him, and we can have joint therapy if he accepts it. I attend NAMI, BPD Alliance forums, read every book out there on BPD, and take care of myself. I am ok to support him financially for 2-3 specific things for a certain time period until he gets a full-time job after he gets a license. The dad doesn't know how to "manage" the onslaught, so he doesn't want to do anything with our son. Our son's grudge grows further. When our son is himself, he sees all the relationships he has lost, how lonely he is, and he appreciates that I am still around for him. As a parent, more than the FOG (because I think I have already endured those stages during the height of his addiction), my love for him, the sadness from the loss of things that could have been, his pain, and his adult journey, pull me down sometimes. I pray for his healing, I try to cultivate meaningful boundaries (which I break sometimes), and I introspect if I am a codependent and continue to fine-tune my role to the best of my ability on a daily basis.  Thanks for listening. Any words of support and sharing are appreciated.

Going slow, taking time to know a person, and not being desperate for contact (either the person or myself) can really be the keys to discerning a person's character. The best relationships I have ever had come from knowing a person over time and seeing that this person pretty much never deviates from being a decent kind human being with firm boundaries no matter how difficult life is in the moment. I have a neighbor who has had some of the most terrible betrayals happen to her with close family members and significant others, yet she stays grounded and remains the kind caring decent person she has always been. I have told her many times how much I respect her for how she handles herself in different heartbreaking situations.