If someone could be all those things, that would be impressive.

Not  that you're looking for a fight or to escalate, but when I would start getting the laundry list of all the ways I'm a bad person, I'd throw that back at her and say "Why are you still here then?"

Hi there,

There's a lot going on in your post--a lifetime together--but what stands out to me is the stressful change of retirement.  You might wonder, why is retirement stressful, when it's supposed to be the opposite?  Well, any change in routine is stressful.  It may be that your wife has always been angry and highly critical--but you weren't around most of the day to bear the brunt of it.  Now that you're encroaching on her space and time, she has more opportunities to unleash her negative thoughts onto you.  And she might feel empty, without much purpose, lacking an identity, now that the kids have left the home.  YOU have become her entire focus, and her mission is to make YOU responsible for her unhappiness, because she doesn't understand that she has to be the one to choose happiness every day.  Indeed money issues come to the fore; after all, there's not as much money coming in, and maybe your wife feels unable to spend as freely as she wants.  Sure, it's normal to penny-pinch when starting out; most people start adulthood with debts, not piles of cash to swim in.  That your wife paints that as financial "abuse" is probably because she doesn't appreciate how darn hard it is to earn income and save for the long term.  The nature of BPD is to be intolerant of discomfort, to be impulsive, to want her needs met right NOW, darn it.  If she really wanted more money, what's stopping her from picking up some part-time work, such as dog walking or babysitting?  Another characteristic of BPD is to re-write history, generally in a negative light.  What's more, the reinterpretation of history always makes her out to be the victim.  That way, she blames others for her problems and avoids taking responsibility.  Does that sound about right?  That's classic BPD in my experience.

Another thing to consider is that she might be experiencing adverse effects of hormonal changes.  Menopause can be tough on some women, and maybe in ways that aren't the obvious ones.  The thyroid can slow down, leading to general sluggishness and feeling glum.  For me it comes with irritatingly itchy skin . . . an ongoing nuisance that disrupts sleep and can make me cranky at times, because of the relentlessness discomfort on some days.  I guess I'd ask if your wife has had a full check-up and blood panels done, to rule out physical ailments.  Oftentimes there are treatments, lifestyle remedies and supplments that can make a real difference.  Feeling better physically can lead to feeling better mentally.

Look, a common BPD trait is to project ill feelings onto the person who is closest to them.  Accusing you of being a narcissist, abuser, womanizer, mentally deranged or other mean things is extremely typical.  Sure, she might dredge up supposed "evidence" of your wrongs, but is the evidence highly distorted, or patently false?  My guess is that it is.  I guess my advice is not to take such accusations personally.  Sometimes the pwBPD in my life will make accusations that are so incredibly distorted that I have to suppress a laugh . . . it feels like she's calling me a poo-poo face, and that's the best she can come up with.  Once you see her accusations for what they are (projections most of the time), it's easier not to take them personally or doubt yourself so much.  If she were complaining about something real and valid, it would be easier to tackle it, right?

I understand that this is really tough on you.  Having a dysregulated spouse at home all day isn't fun.  Do you have go-to strategies for self-care?  I think it helps to have a "menu" of self-care options.  For me, sometimes that's as simple as a walk, a quick errand or a visit to the library, just to get me some space, and give my loved one some space and time to calm down.

Hi GrayJay,

She is not afraid that you will cheat. In the past, maybe she was, but not now that you've retired. All of those accusations are fabrications of her unconscious mind to create a dramatic scenario and put herself in an "emergency situation", because this is how she gets the reward from her endogenous opioids. This is a self-destructive behavior, but it is uncontrollable and unconscious.

She will not move out nor tell you to move out. Unless you start to threaten her to move out, then she will echo that. But that echoing will be criticism, not an actual request. The reality is that she doesn't want you to leave, because you are her source of "relief." Research has found that pwBPD have a very low baseline tone of endogenous opioids (which is painful), but they also get an exaggerated tone when under stress (which causes relief and is rewarding). So she needs to create some stress with you to feel better.

Reference: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6863154/

In this video, why do you think Andrew felt relief when waiting for the train to run over him? He could see his shadow, so he was backwards to the train but didn't worry. All of them, Andrew, Kyra, and Christina, describe that they get relief when they are cutting themselves (see 17:15).

The problem is that this opioid-seeking behavior can become addictive, especially in intimate relationships, especially when you are 24/7 with that person, and it gets even worse if you are codependent. It gets to a point in which the pwBPD will create the stressful situation just for the reward, when they don't actually need any relief. Since you retired, your wife has begun to develop this addiction, slowly. It's like a smoker who gradually increases the number of nicotine receptors in their brain. The more months and years go by, the harder it is for the smoker to quit smoking. In that same video at 13:28, why do you think Christina was obsessed about telling everyone that she should be able to use the markers on the papers?

In my case, the only solution was to have a "Living Apart Together" relationship. And I'm hoping that medication and therapy will resolve the problem. If you aren't ready to do that, then you can gradually start to spend more and more time out of home, but when you get back it will be tough and you'll be accused of cheating anyway. Is there any job you can take?

This. My brother laughs at me when the suggestion I have autism is brought up and he absolutely shuts that down. He does however dismiss my concerns my ex has bpd as nonsense and she is just mental. My eldest son did mention it a couple of nights ago though and said he doesn’t think I am autistic.

I always felt different but that may just be my introverted nature. Certainly nothing that impacts my day to day life. But my ex used to mention it, and did so one time at a family dinner where her mother turned round and said yeh I know or something similar. Bear in mind my ex’s mother has never told her kids she loves them, and never cuddled them or showed any affection. Her mother (ex’s grandmother) also was sectioned under mental health several times and conflict and lack of love has been passed down from generation to generation. More likely than not projection.

Regarding the ASD diagnosis - be careful here.  My bpdW makes that claim about me, too, when she is dysregulated.  It’s a form of projection and putting the blame on you for communication issues.  I’ve brought up my potential ASD with 3 therapists who all laughed me put of the room, telling me that pain for an evaluation was a guaranteed waste of money.  We then discussed the behaviors W claims are ASD, and concluded that these behaviors are most present when dealing with bpdW and are most likely trauma related and/or coping mechanisms. In other words, “not communicating clearly” only happens when dealing with her and stems from an intense fear of saying the wrong thing.  It’s not because I don’t see social cues.

Hi,

It's great you feel that way.  I guess my tip would be to express those feelings when your man is in a better place--when he's not fighting, antagonizing or insulting you.  I think what I would do is try to put a positive spin on things--"I'm so glad to see you today, I enjoy being with you and sharing dinner together with the kids . . ."  In other words, make it less about your sadness when he's absent/down (because he might feed off of that, try to "one up" you or feel blamed), and make it more about love and togetherness.  Anyway that's my general approach.  I don't think my man would want to hear about any negative feelings I have because he thinks that's complaining or blaming.  When he hears complaints from me, I think he internalizes them too much and starts to take on those negative emotions, which he doesn't want.  He'll say this generally:  "I don't want to hear about your work/struggles/problems, it's too upsetting."  So I'm generally careful about not creating unnecessary negativity.  Alas, sometimes it's difficult to pull him out of a funk, because he can be inflexible--he only wants to do what he wants and when he wants.  If I make suggestions (dinner out / going for a walk / doing something fun), he'll generally say NO (whereas I'm the opposite, I generally say YES to doing things together, even if I don't love the actual thing we're doing).  But I've learned to make invitations this way:  "I'm going for a walk and you're welcome to join me if you like, but no pressure."  That way he feels "included" even when he declines, which is 99% of the time.

Believe me....I sympathize....our dog (who WAS my pwBPD's dog! that she left behind) passed away this Tuesday; my husband texted her; she NEVER responded; I, again, try to wrap my brain around this....as a group, I ponder, is it truly possible, to have ZERO emotion, to ANY situation? I am befuddled....THIS started with her issue with me; it has taken 3 years (and heavy therapy) to accept that, however, I am feeling a sense of complete helplessness over any future repair; I do not pretend to understand BPD....but, can it take over EVERYthing? My daughter works at a daycare, teaches toddler dance classes yet shunned her young nieces and her DOG, it just seems to stretch further than the obvious

Yes, stunned at the severity of it but I doubt they are entirely unaware.

While you have stated the cause is your wife's focus on social media messages, is there anything else you can point to as to why the situation has worsened in the past 10 years?

For my parents, I think my father's retirement made him more available to my BPD mother to project her thinking. He also had co-dependent tendencies. His presence also served as an emotional release for her- to project, and her behavior got his attention, so it was a self reinforcing situation. While he used to not be available to her when he was at work, after retirement, she could contact him at any time. If he went out somewhere, she could still call him every few minutes.

I would second the suggestion for you to get counseling, to help you cope and also to be able to get some way to have time to yourself, so to possibly change this increased spiral.

Hi GrayJay

Sounds like exactly the same dynamics of my wife (now my ex) and I’s relationship.

I too am an introvert and I can see now became co dependant.
I also may be on the spectrum for autism too, which was also down to my wife pushing me to go and see the dr because she believed I had a problem. Whether that is true or not I don’t know, I did fill in a couple of questionnaires from the dr, one for autism and one for adhd, which led to the dr putting me forward for an official diagnosis but that was over 2 years ago and I haven’t heard a thing since.

Like you I would be accused of financially abusing her. Everyone is on a baseline level of narcissism to some extent, it’s how we survive as a human race, but it doesn’t make us a narcissist unless we display obvious narcissistic traits. I think to some extent because of the dysregulated behave we are subject to we have to be narcissistic, or how the partner might perceive being as narcissistic, to cope with some of their behaviour.

I would also be accused of all sorts of adulterous behaviour, to the extent that I would actively try and avoid making eye contact with a female, striking up conversation with a female, talking about a female, and fearing any female ringing me about any work they wanted done (being self employed in property maintenance)

We were together 27 years but got together at a fairly young age so still have a way to go until retirement age. We split up because my wife blindsided me by monkey branching. Yes the red flags were there but because of her seemingly intense love and adoration and my lack of knowledge of bpd even existing, even though I can now see where she would split I still didn’t think she would leave me like that. I always considered I had a secure attachment style which I think might have been part of the problem, because I felt emotionally secure she may have seen this in her mind as a lack of caring. Anyone that knew us knew that was not the case and I did everything I could to support her and show her I loved her.

So what have I learnt coming out of the relationship.
Am I a narcissist? Well, no. If I was I doubt I would have put up with her behaviour for 27 years. The way she discarded me I would have just walked away, or probably destroyed her and her bf in seconds. Was I financially abusing her? No, she is mentally ill and part of her behaviour and one of the criteria on the DSM is her impulsive overspending. I on the other hand am sensible, and I will not spend what I haven’t got. While early on in our marriage I worked full time to support our young family she went to my place of work and had a row with my boss because she hated me going to work and leaving her (fear of abandonment) and wanted me to quit my job so she could work full time, open a business and I look after the kids. I’d work part time too, but she was the main bread winner then. If I went to pay for something she would always take over and pay for it, even a few months ago because our son and his girlfriend are expecting our first grandchild, we went to a local pub to meet his girlfriends parents, I was in the middle of buying a round and she came in and took over insisting on paying. But she would always accuse me of being tight fisted.
When we split up she stayed in the family home for a few months and told me to transfer the household payments I made into her name.  She couldn’t understand why her outgoings doubled because she insisted I paid for nothing, yet the reality was I paid for half of our household outgoings. She monkey branched because, as she told our son her new bf can support her financially better than I can. This is probably true but in my book is a shocking reason to leave someone and shows a lack of morals.

Am I autistic. Again I’m not so sure about that. Although I do have a tendency to answer posts like this where I talk about my own situation in an attempt to draw parallels and get my message across which does seem to be how an autistic person communicates so I might well be. Being an introvert and my ex being highly extroverted, she just suppressed me. That’s what walking on eggshells around someone does to you. You become withdrawn and a shell of your former self. In the beginning like I said I would work, and I would work long hours to support our family. I taught my wife a lot about control, told her how to sort her financial problems out, how to cook a meal without getting stressed and overwhelmed and get dysregulated. She was like a lamb to some extent at the beginning and I was a bit like a shepherd, yet she quickly turned into a wolf.

Her best friends partner (her real best friend that she has known since she was a 5 year old, not the fake best friends she seems to cycle through and discard) and I have spoken a lot since we split up. He said to me recently I have been a lot more talkative and spoken with him and had a hell of a lot more interesting conversations with him. While I will always be an introvert I am finding myself again and realise, although I always knew, that I was being suppressed by my wife. You kind of know that while you are in the relationship, but it’s only now after a couple of years you begin to realise just how much. I even did karaoke for the first time last year and was told by everyone that I was brilliant and had the whole room clapping, something I would never have done if I was still in that relationship because she liked to be the centre of attention. Sounds silly I know, but the woman I am now in a relationship with was working behind the bar that night and she had already been interested in me for nearly a year and at that moment she said made her realise she wanted to be with me.

You mention her finding a therapist. I have not read any of your previous posts so forgive me I don’t know if she is diagnosed bpd or is self aware. My wife hasn’t, and isn’t although I’ve told her since we split up that I believe she has a personality disorder that has played a massive part in her behaviour and our marriage breakup. She is also mid 40’s so still has some ability to charm men into a relationship with her, I am not aware of your wife’s age but am guessing post retirement age. Not wanting to sound harsh but the older we get the less chances there are running off with someone else. Maybe that is being somewhat misogynistic and you can never say it won’t happen but I believe there is some truth to that.

But the takeaway from that long winded message is there is a certain amount of projection and gaslighting going on here. She more likely has a mental illness so the reality is you probably are not autistic, not financially abusive, not narcissistic or any of things she has accused you of, but instead you might just be suppressed, sensible in a financial sense and defensive at times against her behaviour.

There is hope. If your wife is self aware then hopefully you can convince her to seek therapy, it’s for her own good as well as yours. I never wanted to split up with my wife, but again now that I have there is hope. I consider myself to be in a better relationship now. Certainly far less stress and I’m finding myself again. As for the fear of abandonment you have, I can’t answer in the sense that all the time I was in that relationship I was not aware of having a fear of abandonment. At the end of the day, we can not control another persons thoughts and feelings, and stressing about something out of our control is wasted energy. If you have a fear of abandonment and codependency issues are you seeing a therapist yourself as that would be your best course for developing ways to deal with these issues.

I think the ex's spending is related to the "not enough" feelings. There were financial issues in my family of origin with due to this as well. Now that your ex has moved on, this won't be an issue for you in time.

Since you won't go back to your ex if she wanted that- there's no reason to tell your GF if she does. I agree with the others that to do so to encourage her to be more committed would be triangulation and also feel manipulative.

It seems like there's potential in the new relationship and also some time to let it evolve in the way it's going to go. Marriage isn't an option in the immediate future, so there's no rush to decide on that. That the two of you can communicate about issues is a good thing.