Hi Boogie74,

I’m really glad you posted - what you’re describing is something a lot of people here have lived through in one form or another.

What stood out to me wasn’t just the retaliation piece, but the pattern underneath it. It sounds like you’ve been pushing your own needs down for a long time, trying to keep the peace, until something tips past your limit… and then it all comes out at once. That kind of swing between holding it in and then exploding can leave you feeling like you’re the problem, even when there’s a lot more going on in the dynamic.

Anyone in your position, constantly giving and not feeling met, is going to build resentment. That part makes sense. The hard part is that when it comes out in the moment, it tends to escalate things quickly and then gets used against you afterward, which sounds like what you’re experiencing now.

That situation with your dog also sounds genuinely stressful. When you’re in that kind of urgency and don’t feel supported, it can hit a nerve pretty fast.

What helped me start shifting out of that cycle was learning to catch the moment a bit earlier, before it builds to that breaking point. Not perfectly, and not every time, but even a small pause or stepping away sooner can change how things unfold. It’s less about being passive and more about not letting yourself get pushed all the way to the edge.

You’re not wrong for feeling what you’re feeling here. The goal is just finding a way to respond that doesn’t leave you dealing with the fallout afterward.

You’re not alone in this.

Hi SometimesI, welcome to BPDfamily. I’m really glad you found your way here, and I’m sorry for the situation that brought you in.

What you’re describing sounds really painful and confusing, especially with how sudden the cutoff was. It makes sense that you’d feel shaken and unsure what to do, particularly when things didn’t end with a clear conflict or any real sense of closure.

When someone asks for no contact, even in the middle of an intense emotional moment, it’s usually best to respect that boundary. Reaching out to reassure her that you don’t hate her could come from a good place, but it may feel overwhelming or intrusive on her side right now.

You’re right that strong emotions can shift over time, and sometimes space can help those feelings settle. The hard part is that there’s no way to predict if or when that might happen. For now, the most stable thing you can do is give that space and focus on taking care of yourselves while you sit with the uncertainty.

Hi Barney1015,

Welcome to BPDfamily.com. I’m really glad you found your way here, and I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through to get here.

Reading your post, it really stood out how much you’ve been carrying for a long time. Trying to hold things together financially while also dealing with violence and instability… that’s a lot for one person to carry.

The part about the violence, especially being strangled, is serious. Living in that kind of environment can keep your whole system on edge, always bracing for what might happen next. That kind of stress adds up over time.

I also noticed you mentioned quitting your job at his insistence. That can make things feel even more stuck, even if it didn’t seem that way at the time.

You’re not alone in this. Many people here understand what this kind of situation feels like. You don’t have to figure everything out all at once.

If you’re open to sharing, what kind of support would feel most helpful right now?

You are not the only one. If I speak to anyone about my BPD mother, it feels to me as if I am betraying her. Mostly, I don't- except to a therapist or my sibling who also is aware of the situation. I also don't want to come across as badmouthing her and feel it's not OK to publically expose anyone's issues.

On this board, and I encourage others to do the same- I don't reveal so much information that the person can be identified specifically. Most of our situations are not unique to us and so the issue could be with anyone. I'd say to anyone to not reveal more than you are comfortable with. The dynamics are often common and details aren't necessary.

As a reply to Pook's suggestion, I think it depends on both people. Pook- you are skilled at this but not everyone is. If the daughter doesn't have effective relationship skills, helping her with how to respond to the pwBPD can be helpful. If they are going to have a circular blow up with no resolution, then perhaps intervening at first is a good start but ultimately- this is their relationship to manage as they choose as adults. It's going to go the way it will.

For me, I feel I was expected to not have boundaries with my BPD mother and to tolerate her behavior in order to keep the peace. This wasn't the case for my children. They had boundaries. I didn't want to diminish their own natural inclination to not tolerate hurtful behavior from anyone. This is normal boundaries. However, they also knew how to behave respectfully to a grandparent and would not have been rude in return.

It also wasn't their role to be an emotional caretaker for my mother, which had been an expectation for us. I realized this was "normalcy" for them. I didn't want to undo it. So if someone was being hurtful to them, they had every right to tell them to leave them alone. With my mother, they chose how much contact they wanted and when/if to respond to her texts/calls rather than to directly confront her because we all knew that confronting her was not effective.

It's also normal consequences. If we treat someone poorly, they may not want to have a relationship with us. This begins even in kindergarten. Nobody wants to play with the bully on the playground. However, with my mother, there were no consequences in the immediate family as we walked on eggshells around her. So if someone else were to tell her off, it may be a normal consequence, even if it led to more drama.

I am grateful for all the feedback, no apologies necessary.  We are all just doing our best here, trying to support each other and ourselves. Plus it's helpful to experience when something doesn't quite resonate as right for my situation.  And truly, I didn't give enough information about that situation.  I wonder whether I am the only one on the board who feels (irrationally, clearly) like I am betraying my uBPD if I write too much detail here and (more irrationally, still) has the paranoid delusion that if I write too much detail, she'll somehow get on this board, read my posts, recognize our interactions in my posts and then come after me!  SMH

You are all so helpful to me. At some point, I'll write more about this situation.  I need to stop now.
'

Hello, friends!  I knew it was inevitable I would be back in THIS part of the club!  My granddaughters' mom (I have drawn 2 unlucky straws with 2 BPD family members!) says I can only see the kids once a month because I said I would no pick up one of the kids an hour away from my house, because the child's FATHER did not feel like driving her home on his weekend (I would add, I have done this twice, but, my car needs a "rotor" which my husband is fixing tomorrow, so...she is "tired of my excuses", sigh....what a cruddy club
 

I apologize if my reply came off that way- I wouldn't listen to anyone bad-mouth my daughter.  What I meant was, if your sister wants to "cry victim" then let her cry.  Her complaints are about how she feels and not necessarily what happened, which you likely know from all the other relative interactions that were damaged.  

I would rather someone come to me, especially with my understanding of mental illness, than have them confront my daughter who's likely to tell that person off and make things considerably worse.  That's just my opinion though.

I must have assumed you were the father since my BPD mother had issues with my father's sister.

It may be significant that you are female. My BPD mother seemed to project more and have friction with female family members. I think it may be because females are more similar, and so a pwBPD may project their own feelings about self image on to someone with more similarities. They may also feel a sense of competition or comparison with other females more than male. (their own feelings- not that other females are actually competing with them).

My BPD mother would say things about the other female relatives as if somehow they had something "wrong". Perhaps this felt validating to her? I don't know if your sister has her own family but perhaps, by finding fault with your D, and therefore you and your family, it somehow feels more validating to her if she's having relationship issues.

Whatever your sister's reasons, you don't have to participate in or validate her misperceptions but also trying to JADE - argue that she's wrong may just add to the drama. We can't change someone else's thinking but we can choose to not add emotion to it- and just grey rock, change subject, disengage, if she brings it up.

In my situation, BPD mother didn't believe there was anything "wrong" with her but could believe that her kids needed therapists- ie- the issues were because of us, not her, or in your case your daughters' issues are because of you, but not her.

BPD mother was pro-therapy in general. One reason I think it didn't work with her was due to the denial/projection associated with BPD. BPD mother did have therapy- but (as far as I know) the sessions were about her talking about other family members being problematic to her, not about her own issues.

This doesn't mean all pwBPD are resistant to therapy. I know some younger people who have BPD and are going to therapy for it, and aren't denying it, but BPD is on a spectrum and so this willingness to work with a therapist probably varies. If your wife is resistant to it, then she is.

I have worked with therapists off and on over time. It hasn't been a continuous need, but more circumstantial, like starting college, and some family issues along the way.

I also have seen that the quality and effectiveness of therapists have varied but overall, it's been helpful to have someone objective to talk to. The goal for your daughters may not be  a "one and done"- as if a therapist is going to help them with the issues of having a BPD mother and then they won't need more. It may be more of an "as needed" at some times. The relationship with their mother is an evolving one, with typical milestones along the way that they may want emotional support with. (leaving home, maybe getting married, maybe having children).

A therapist can validate feelings and perspective, be a safe person to talk to. It helps if they know about BPD but I don't think it's a necessity- because if your daughters don't have BPD- their needs are specific to them- if they have anxiety, or fears, or need someone to validate their feelings and perspectives. What may be more important is the "fit" and if there's progress. If your older D doesn't feel a good fit with her current one, then she should seek one that is better for her. As a parent- you can make suggestions but she needs to decide.  For your younger D, if she's content with the one she has, then consider it's better to not have so many changes at one time. Your marriage may change, she may go off to college, so having the ongoing relationship with her T is one constant for her.

It would be great if there were more common sense in business as to how to handle employees better, but more often than not you are told to suck it up and be professional. In some cases they even go as far as that you have to act like you get along and are friends...I'm not kidding as I had to deal with that nonsense before myself.

I hope for your sake everything goes in your favor.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-