That’s a really good question.

I didn’t see it clearly while I was in the relationship. It was more after it ended that it hit me. When it was over, there was this sudden emptiness. As destabilizing as it had been, it was still something I was oriented around. Losing that felt bigger than I expected.

The drifting part, for me, looked like not really having a strong internal path unless I was building it around someone else.

Building stability didn’t happen in some big breakthrough way. It was pretty ordinary. Finding this forum was a big part of it. Reading, listening, talking with people here gave me language for things I hadn’t been able to name.

Boundaries especially. Learning about boundaries made me realize they’re really about values. What’s actually non-negotiable for me? What feels aligned and what doesn’t? I started paying attention to my own reactions - even my nervous system. Sometimes it was already telling me something wasn’t right, and I had been overriding it. Learning to listen to that instead of dismissing it was a shift.

In my previous relationship, boundaries were hard. They didn’t land well. So when I got clearer on my own values, I could see where I had been bending too far. Not in a blaming way - just honestly. That clarity started to feel like a different kind of anchor.

I also started challenging myself more. Just asking, “What do I actually want?” and “What would I choose if I wasn’t reacting to someone else?” That was new for me.

Routines helped. My kids gave me structure, which honestly was a gift. I started making plans based on my life instead of around a relationship.

I wasn’t afraid of quiet. I’d been living with depression for years, so being internal and in my own head was familiar. What I think I was hoping for was regulation - that being with someone would lighten that internal weight. Over time I had to accept that it doesn’t really work that way.

I’m still figuring it out. But I feel steadier now. Less like I need a relationship to give me direction, and more like I bring direction into one.

Ahhh yeah wow, I feel this completely. In part it makes sense to me that relationships would add excitement and direction to life - we're human and we're meant to make meaning with one another, yes? But I really relate to your observation of drifting. Could you share more about how you noticed this about yourself and then built up a personal sense of stability/momentum outside of a romantic relationship? Regardless, thank you.

Ellibear,

I’m really sorry. Being cut off from your grandchild like that is heartbreaking. There’s no way around how much that hurts.

When things blow up like this, especially between a parent and adult child, the words can be very absolute. “Never contact me again” often comes out of intense emotion and impulsiveness in the moment. That doesn’t mean it won’t shift later. But right now, the pain is real.

If she’s responding with abusive emails and blocking you, it may mean the situation is still very hot. Reaching harder usually just adds fuel. Sometimes the steadier move is a short, calm message and then space. Something simple like:
“I love you. I’m here when you’re ready. I love him and hope to see him when things settle.”

No defending. No arguing. Just steady.

In the meantime, take care of your own heart. This kind of cutoff shakes you. You deserve support while you’re carrying it.

You’re not alone in this.

Hello and welcome to the family!  You are certainly not alone and many of us here are grandparents.  I went through this a few years ago with my non-BPD daughter (over an argument/separation with her BPD mom).  It was devastating and the only thing that got me through it was remembering that it was only for now, not for forever.

Your daughter is sick and currently, she's unstable.  Now is not the time to argue over visitations because the more you push, the more vindicated she feels that you're the source of her problems.  That's not true, of course, the source is mental illness. 

It's almost impossible to fix things when she's in that mindset because she's feeling like the victim.  So anything you say or do is run through the lens of, "I'm so hurt and she's blaming me for things...this proves how little she cares!"  It's the trap all of us end up facing and we unintentionally get it so wrong.

I'll repeat- this is for right now, it's not for forever.  Take some time to heal yourself and while you wait out this storm.  There are fantastic resources here on how to properly communicate with a BPD child and it's helped me turn around the relationships with multiple BPDs in my life.

I hope that helps and please continue to ask questions, vent, or whatever you need to get through these next few days/weeks.  You'll find sympathy and compassion here because so many of us can directly relate.

The part about depression and having someone around making life more bearable really stayed with me.

For me it wasn’t only about loneliness. Being in a relationship gave my life a kind of structure. It felt like something to move toward. Before that, I sometimes felt like I was drifting a bit.

That relief was real. It filled something that felt empty at the time.

Looking back, I can see that I probably needed to build more of that stability inside myself. If I’d done more self-work earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have leaned so hard on the relationship to provide it. At the same time, that relationship is what eventually forced me to look at those gaps. I don’t think I would have done the work otherwise.

So I don’t see it as weakness. I see it as part of how I learned.

I think it's perfectly natural to look back and wonder why we stayed so long, or perhaps what we missed that could have avoided putting us in these situations.

For me, I seriously thought about breaking up with my ex-wife shortly before we became engaged.  And I realize how strange of a statement that seems, but something felt so off and I couldn't put a finger on what it was.  My ex was manic for most of the time we dated and was always so happy, so energized by life.  Yet when something went wrong and we had a disagreement, there was never resolution.  She'd defend herself, get angry and detached, and it would stay that way until I apologized.

One topic I remember was a college Trig class we had together.  She refused to study, to learn the equations, and I was like...we're going to fail if we don't prepare.  But she couldn't take it seriously and couldn't understand why it upset me. 

Little things like that were glaring red flags that I saw yet ignored.  Why?  Because I loved her, and I loved her family.  I wanted it to work despite what my brain was telling me.

Why'd we last so long?  It was the same as the Trig class over and over again...I'd try to make boundaries, she's become hysterical while playing the victim, and I'd apologize while backing off.  I let go of all my natural instincts and morals to adapt to her life in order for us to be happy.  Yet in the end, it still wasn't enough.

The part I quoted above, why you need to put yourself first, doesn't mean to life a selfish, closed-off live.  Instead, it means to be true to your own moral compass and don't let others pull you off that path.  Putting yourself first means to focus on what you can actually control- your health, your wellbeing, your goals and desires in life. 

Doing so will benefit you physically and mentally, and in turn make you a more balanced person when challenges do occur.

Hi there, thanks for relating to what I wrote. Yeah, one of the things that actually spurred me into considering leaving the relationship was an old scribbling of mine that I found. I was going to get rid of some books and found a journal entry of sorts, scrawled in the blank pages at the back of a book, detailing how confused and hurt I felt after a conflict with my partner. I journal quite a bit, but I didn't write about the tough points in our dynamic very often (which I now see as avoidance, obviously).  Anyway, having the old writing of mine helped confirm that I'd felt this way in the marriage for a while. In the last four months, I also started keeping track of when we'd fight.

My partner was more inwards with her expressions of BPD symptoms, but I remember before I got a better grasp on what was going on, we would have talks about our relationship where I'd ask that things please just get easier. I see now that such a phrasing probably activated her. After, it could've gone that she'd gaslight me into thinking our dynamic was healthy and manageable, but honestly I don't remember. I do remember praying that things between us wouldn't feel like they were constantly teetering on the edge of a cliff.

Hi Pain and Love,

My advice for you right now regarding your wife is not to do any sort of outreach or invite contact.  In my opinion, the ball is in her court.  I think it would be best to wait and see what she does.  And the emphasis is on the word DOES, rather than pay much attention to what she says, as words are cheap.  She shouldn't accuse you of "not caring" and "not reaching out" because you are respecting the restraining order.

I think you wait until the hearing.  If she owns up to what she did, shows genuine remorse and demonstrates that she has been getting some therapy, that would be a start.  I think SHE should be the one to make a proposal, not you.  In other words, if you ask to resume contact, then it seems like you are the one who wants to get back together, not her--and she'd probably take you up on the offer because she's used to other people caring for her needs, not because she has any real intention to work on her own issues.

As for how she's doing right now, my guess is that she's fine.  My other guess is she's trying to get other people to take care of her.  I imagine that she's twisting the story and trying to convince the world (and herself) that you're at fault for the incident.  I really hope that's not the case, and that she's reflecting, feeling uncomfortable, feeling remorseful and lining up therapy appointments to get the help she needs to turn her life around.  I think the situation could go either way--either she doubles down on her victim attitude, or she takes the incident as a wake-up call.  Let her be the one who shows you how things will play out.

I'd advise patience.  Think of it as a "time out."  I often advise on these boards, do NOT interrupt the time out.  She'll come back when she's ready.  And then you'll see what she's been up to.  But most of all, she has to make the effort.  Not you.  My guess is that historically, you have been the one to try to make the relationship to work, you have been the one to put in all the effort.  But know this:  you can't "save" her, "fix" her or manage her volatile emotions.  She is the one with BPD, she threatened violence and she brought on the restraining order.  She owns the problem, but she also owns the solution.  She has to make the effort, not you.  So I think you should do nothing right now, except to focus on self care.

If she shows up to the hearing blaming you for provoking the incident, that will be very telling indeed.  I've been to one of those hearings, and the judge ruled to extend the restraining order.

If you're really concerned about your wife's welfare, my guess is that if she were in trouble, you would know, because somebody (a family member, a friend/roommate, doctor or police officer) would notify you.

Thanks for the recent replies and suggestions!!  I am not trying  to rush through the process.  I understand the gravity of the situation and am not minimizing the gun incident.  I also have a very clear memory of what the last 13 years have consisted of, expecially the last 3 years.  The have been hell.  I am in zero rush to take her back, and know that I need time to heal and she needs time to try and get herself sorted.  I'm not yet positive if I want a divorce or not, but I do know that if she does not do any of the treatment or therapy I will ask for a divorce.  If she shows that she is getting treatment, her behaviors improve (over a period of time, not instantly) I may consider a gradual reintegration back into a normal marriage situation.   My focus right now is on me.

About the restraining order.  After a lot of thought, I do not regret getting it.  The situation that created the need for the TRO, was valid.  What she did was way beyond the realm of normal behavior and could have ended very badly for one or both of us.  I also hope its an exclamation point and catalyst for her to get help.  It also enabled both of us to get away from eachother. 

The reason why I am leaning towards digital communication is that without it and zero contact with her, how will I know if she is getting help and getting better?  I mean, we have our court date coming up and maybe she'll tell the judge what she is doing as far as treatment.  But the outcome of the court date (I think) is for the judge to transition the temporary restraining order to a more permanent one.  If it is a permanent one with no contact, how would I know if she is changing? 

  This is my 1ST time visiting this site. I have a 32-year-old daughter with BPD.
She blew up again 5 weeks ago, told me to never contact her again. My issue is that she will not allow me to see my 2 1/2-year-old grandson that I am very close to. It is breaking my heart & I'm sure he is confused. I just don't know what to do. I have tried reaching out but she replies by sending nasty & verbally abusive emails. She has blocked me from her phone. Any suggestions?