Hi again Win,

Well I haven't been in your situation and probably can't anticipate all the issues, but I can say a few things about my BPD stepdaughter when she was a young adult which might provide some perspective.

First off, I'm pretty sure my stepdaughter told others that she had an abusive childhood and that her family was toxic, even if the fact patterns didn't line up.  Thus my guess is that your daughter is probably making you out to be some sort of uncaring/abusive/mean/controlling/narcissistic monster to her boyfriend.  Right now she probably views her boyfriend as a knight in shining armor (all white), while you are the wicked witch (all black).  I guess it's unsurprising to me that her boyfriend hasn't spoken openly with you about upcoming plans.  He might be avoiding you, and your daughter might compel him to stay away from you, just so she can maintain the running narrative.  If the boyfriend were to spend any significant time with you, he might catch your daughter in a lie!  My guess is, the more insecure your daughter is in the relationship, the less you'll see her husband, because she won't want him to learn the truth and start to doubt her . . .

Secondly, I believe that my BPD stepdaughter's disordered behaviors prevented her from learning basic "adulting" skills.  People around her were walking on eggshells.  Her parents tended to jump in, fix things and take care of her, either to "rescue" her, or just make her life easier, in the name of keeping her stable and avoiding meltdowns.  With so much "interference," my stepdaughter didn't face the natural consequences of her own decisions, and her incentives were all mixed up.  It could be that your daughter's boyfriend is currently playing that "fixer/savior" role.

In my stepdaughter's case, she spent most of her early adult life in a state of avoidance.  She felt she couldn't handle life, and as a result, she stayed in her room for weeks on end, a self-imposed prison sentence.  I think she was so afraid of messing up that she avoided life altogether.  She didn't view everyday mistakes as opportunities to learn, but rather as personal utter failures.  Her negative thinking meant catastrophizing every little setback, making her believe her life was over.

Unfortunately, in practice what starts to happen with this negative thinking is that pwBPD miss out on some formative life experiences.  In the case of my stepdaughter, she missed out on getting some experience with entry-level jobs.  She wasn't responsible for any bills, not even her phone.  She didn't take care of her car, her dad did.  She didn't arrange to get her own transponder, her dad got it for her.  She didn't pay for her own parking tickets.  She didn't make her own doctors' appointments.  She didn't apply for internships.  She didn't file her taxes.  She didn't buy groceries or prepare meals (she only got take-out).  She didn't volunteer.  When she broke her phone, she cried for a new one, and her dad got it for her.  When she tried to attend college, she didn't participate in any extracurricular activities.  She didn't pursue any hobbies (unless scrolling social media and watching TV count as hobbies).  She didn't perform any chores whatsoever in the household.  She didn't even hang up her own bath towel to dry.  Though she signed a lease, she didn't know its terms because her dad took care of the rent and utilities payments.  Etc., etc.  Over time, a few things happen:  She lacks a sense of identity.  She feels overwhelmed by life.  She lacks core competencies.  She doesn't feel responsible for anything.  She doesn't feel needed, a part of a team, a part of a family, part of a friend group.  She doesn't feel important.  She doesn't feel knowledgeable, capable or powerful.  She doesn't have a daily routine involving any combination of work/study/volunteerism.  She doesn't have a network of friends, and she doesn't get invited to do fun things either.  She can't figure out how to solve problems.  She feels overly dependent and starts to resent it.  Without the rigid structure of high school, she feels rudderless, and stuck at that age, while her peers seem to move effortlessly into the adulting stage.  At the end of the day, she is utterly clueless about the administrative side of life:  how much things cost, how to pay a bill, what a lease is, what insurance is, how credit cards work, how to call to make an inquiry or appointment, how to do a job interview.  She starts to be paralyzed by fear--fear of the future, fear of being exposed for the fraud she thinks she is.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that because you have probably been taking care of the financial and administrative side of your adult daughter's life, she might be absolutely clueless about economic realities.  Right now, she doesn't worry one bit, because she's never had to make economic choices under a constrained budget, let alone go without.  You do all the worrying and bill paying for her!  Did your daughter pay any part of tuition, even if it were a nominal amount, such as 5%?  My guess is, probably not.  The thing is, over time, there's a real risk that your daughter will RESENT you for making her feel needy/behind/incompetent.  And when economic reality hits her, the blow will feel overwhelming.  Guess who she'll blame for that?

Now, I understand that many parents want to support their kids, financially and logistically, to make their kids' lives easier, mostly so they can get a great education and enjoy life while they are still young.  But I think that with BPD, there are some disordered thinking patterns which lead kids not to appreciate the support, and they don't sieze the opportunities afforded them, because their priorities are all mixed up.  They're hijacked by emotional dysregulation, which gets in the way of learning to plan, manage their time effectively, solve problems, overcome obstacles and resolve conflicts.  My opinion is, they need extra practice, extra patience, and lots and lots of encouragement.  But the incentives have to be right.  Because when you're paying for everything, it doesn't matter one bit that you want your daughter to get a part-time job.  Why on earth would she do that, when she gets everything she needs from you and her boyfriend?  She'll only get a part-time job when she needs to get one.  She's not going to do it because she feels obligated or indebted to you.  You see, she thinks YOU owe HER.

Good luck.

 CC and Pook, thanks once again. I've read and reread your posts. It seems the reinforcement helps me move away from  faulty beliefs about my son's illness and my ineffective responses to it. I plan on read through the Library here.
I'm focusingmore on myself and I dug out a book that I bought years ago on anxiety. I've been practicing a skill mentioned. My mind is in a constant swirl of what if worry thoughts. This does nothing but exasperate my anxiety and leaves me feeling miserable.  So when a bad thought pops up, I tell myself I will thing aboutit later that day.  I can let the thought go and move on. I feel like I still am caring for my son without torturing myself with worries. .

Also, no, I have not told my daughter that I'd be financially supporting the child. To the contrary, when she dropped the news on me, I verbalized that I wouldn't. Probably not the best way to respond when hearing your daughter is pregnant, but since she's not supporting herself and hasn't even lived with me for close to a year, I thought it was best that I make it clear that this news would not make me backtrack on previous statements I made to her concerning moving in with her bf. You see, I've been paying for an apartment that she has not inhabited at all in months. Not a single night, and not even for a few hours here and there, even when her bf has been working and not home. From the word go after she met him, she found herself at his place all the time, and they've essentially been living together for months, without her moving any of her own furniture in. I don't know how the subject of her "formally" moving in with him happened, but she told me a couple months ago that it was going to happen when her lease ends and I didn't argue it since there's really nothing I could do about the fact that she was over there all the time and I was paying for an apartment to be vacant. I even tried to create the "rule" that she'd at least be in her apartment during her school week, and whatever she did on the weekends was her business. Not even an attempt to comply. So anyway, I made it clear two months ago that she can do whatever she wants to do when the lease ends, but I wouldn't be allocating money I had been paying for a rental into his household. She didn't flinch at that, and when I later was with the two of them in early December and I brought up her move into his place, he acknowledged that it was happening, didn't give me any indication that he was expecting it to be a paid living arrangement, and I didn't offer any payment. Now she's pregnant and I've heard nothing from him at all, but she tells me that he's  "excited" about the baby and that his parents know and are supportive.

I've never felt more compelled to journal about a relationship than this present moment.  I thought I would be able to figure this one out until I made an impulse purchase for Jackson Mackenzie's "Psychopath Free". I received it promptly in the mail the following day and opened up to read my exact situation in a published book. It has been a surreal experience.  On one hand I'm laughing out loud when recalling all the manipulation this person exerted, while simultaneously obsessing over how anyone could behave this way.

I'm in the stage where I'm even questioning if this person does a single thing which does not involve manipulation. They said they were an alcoholic (I'm just over 90 days sober myself) yet confessed to me of smoking marijuana the entire time they claimed to have 90 days. Alcoholics would be the perfect targets, after all. Forgiving, compassionate, easily manipulated by shame and guilt. Taking inventory and apologizing at once if we've done any harm.

The mirroring, the sexual mirroring, the triangulation. The victimization of themselves in any and all facets - "this ex raped me, my ex fiance was crazy, my ex is belligerent and angry and sends me all these crazy texts". I'm seriously even doubting if this person had cancer at this point. It would not surprise me if they adopted dogs just because dogs do what they're told.

When I say everything (and I mean absolutely everything) Jackson wrote of was parallel to what I've just experienced for the last two months, it might even be an understatement.  She told her fan club everything. She paraded me around her job and posted me on instagram while she rubbed her ex's nose in it. All of her friends saw this arrogance in real time and had never been happier for her newfound happiness.

There were of course many red flags I ignored from the start because I didn't want a relationship in early sobriety. The sex was good because she mirrored exactly what I wanted. She showed up every day and brought me things and told me I was beautiful. Not long into it, crisis mode was happening nearly every week or every few days. Whether it was pets, her ex boyfriend, a UTI, trips to the hospital, major depressive episodes.  I knew her charm and wit was off from the start. On our very first date I recall asking her "Why are you so nice to me? Something is off." To her replying.. hush, hush, it is you that is the issue! Why can't you just allow people to be nice to you? Accept my idealization and flattery at once! And I did.

There were many times where I acknowledged to myself and to friends how manipulative she was, and she was so good that I allowed it to carry on.  I didn't know what a psychopath was, or borderline was, or really any truly sick pathological person was until now. Sure I've dated covert narcissists before, which is really the only reason I got out when I did.. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel like this right now.

It was not even a day into our new relationship being official that she reposted her ex on social media. Then I was made out to be a psycho for my reaction.. to which I so willingly apologized.  She of course ran back to the very person she had be defaming and cuckolding this entire time. He willingly accepts his fate.  I've even tried to help him but he's too deep in and hates me, which is exactly what the abuser wants. I even left out the fact that he has somehow agreed to coparent dogs with this person. The unique and special friendship which she uses to manipulate any and all incoming targets i'd imagine. 

We continued having sex and I managed to set a boundary she didn't completely annihilate. Then the big guns came out.. More sex, my obvious kryptonite at this point in the game. Telling me she loves me after spending the week with her ex who was now gone. I went no contact after that, started seeing things through her lens and realized that none of it was true. Phone calls started, another crisis happened, then I canceled our plans and blocked her everywhere I could.  She will eventually show up at my gym, and do her best to tell everyone there how crazy I am. Just like she did at my AA homegroup with the girls she met who thought she was so charming and innocent.

I simply hate the fact that this is not who I am, and I want to love and experience a healthy relationship for once in my life. But all I really feel is.. anger, paranoia, sadness, grief, and a deep desire to turn my brain off. Thank god I've learned some coping mechanisms besides sex and drugs at this point in my life.

Thank you for all the thougtful responses and insights. I value this space so much. I understand that I did the wrong thing with my email and it was classic JADE. I guess her reaction should have been expected. To clarify about the boyfriend, I never expected him to open his finances up to me, just as I wouldn't open mine to him. I just thought it would start things off on as "normal" a foot if he/they addressed this situation with me in some way, like he and my daughter did with his dad and step mom. I'm certain it's not him who is avoiding the contact with me and he's just following my daughter's lead based on what she's telling him. He doesn't know that she has this disorder and from the outside looking in I'm sure he thinks my relationship with my daughter is pretty normal. I'm paying for school and supporting her in other ways that a lot parents do. What he doesn't know is why she even had an apartment rather than living with me. So at this point with her being pregnant, if I were him, I'd likely assume that the situation will eventually roll out in a way where I'll be stepping in offering additional financial assistance since I have the means, and I'd be helping with a new baby like his parents do. I just know I can't do any of that without enabling my daughter and putting myself in a situation of being held emotionally hostage. I've been expressing to my daughter for some time that she should get a part time job. Nonetheless she has remained jobless but I ended up buying into her rationalization that now that she's in school full time, M-F, all day, that it wasn't really necessary for her to have one. After all, the program is a year long, ending next September, and I had every intention of putting a tight timeline on how long I'd continue to pay certain necessary expenses like car insurance once she graduated and was unquestionably employable. I have no problem helping my daughter and I actually want to do nice things for her that enhance her life, but not at the expense of her not helping herself. Now this. I feel like it would be counterproductive for me to pull the financial support she currently gets from me so long as she remains in school, but I also feel that given her condition, she should finally get herself a part time job before I'd even consider lending any additional support that might be needed. I think that would be the responsible thing to do for herself and her child, and it would help out her boyfriend and THEIR household. I just don't know what to do and not do with this allover situation. There are no guarantees that she and her bf will even stay together throughout this pregnancy let alone long thereafter, and it's very important to me that she starts exercising some financial accountability and begins earning some of her own money as soon as possible.

Hi Rosie,


I hope that your dd gets the treatment that she needs and that your gs is able to get some therapy too. It must be so difficult to live with a parent who has displayed signs of mental illness for all of their life.

Hopefully the court case will lead to mandatory  appointed therapy with a trained therapist that she must complete who can see through the manipulation and recognise the signs of mental illness. 

Hi there!

I find all of this quite shocking, and I have to agree with pook075 that emotional cheating is also cheating.

Unfortunately, I'm still stuck in this relationship, even though THAT alone should be enough to make me leave.

Lisea and Diggydidog, what makes you both stay?

I would also like to mention that I suspect my partner now has a second Facebook account.

Since I last confronted him about his hurtful activities, his account has become very quiet. Only three new selfies, no other self-expression such as food or home décor.

I don't think he has managed to break his Facebook addiction, but has found other ways to contact his ladies.

By the way: I am never mentioned on his Facebook page either, and of course there is not a single photo of me or us together. He also presents himself as single.

Hallo an Alle!


I read this thread with great interest.

I do not live with my partner and we do not have any children together. I have a teenage son from a previous relationship who lives with me.

However, until six months ago, I was in a long-distance relationship with my partner, so I usually spent the weekends with him – he rarely came to stay with me.

I have to say that during this time, I had experiences similar to those described by SuperDaddy. When my partner is dysregulated, nothing helps, and in the confined space of 55 square metres, it is virtually impossible to avoid him. I remember one night when he came to my bed every two minutes, insulting me, gaslighting me and threatening me.

Yes, in that situation, I threatened to call the police. And yes, he then kept his distance.

But honestly, if that had happened in front of children and throughout the night, it would have been unacceptable. Especially since this usually happens over and over again because he can't calm down when he's dysregulated.

Personally, I'm grateful that I didn't let myself be swept away into moving in with him. Especially when children are involved, situations like this are highly traumatic.

My nervous system is also finding it increasingly difficult to cope with these dysregulated phases – and theoretically, I can just go to my flat and don't have to walk around the block for hours.
Personally, I'm grateful that I can just go to my flat and don't have to walk around the block for hours hoping he'll calm down by the time I get back. Honestly... I think it would destroy you in the long run. Even with separate flats, it's very difficult to set boundaries, because he freaks out at every boundary, no matter how calmly and lovingly it is expressed, and after the usual insults, accusations and shouting, he usually remains silent for days or even ends the relationship again. That would be unthinkable for me in a shared flat.

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) can and do quickly overreact.  You're thinking, But I tried to be reasonable and calm, why this extreme vitriol of rants and rages?  She lives in a different world, mentally.

Hers is a world of self-oriented perceptions, perceived slights, feelings, moods, no seeming awareness of consequences, etc.  On the other hand, your logic and reasoning are a total disconnect to her.  The problem is that hers is not a reasonably normal world view.

So approaching communication with JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) are typically doomed except in rare moments.  Over on our Tools & Skills workshops board we have threads on JADE, DEARMAN, SET, BIFF and more.  Browse them and ponder the benefits of each approach.

There are also threads there on how effective Boundaries can work, somewhat.  PwBPD resist boundaries so boundaries are up to us.  How are boundaries ours?  Boundaries are our response to poor behavior.  At the most basic it can be illustrated as, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

So once you've informed them of Your Boundary, then you can proceed.  For example, if the other rants and rages you can say goodbye, end the conversation, hang up or leave until the other has reset or otherwise calmed down.  Does that make sense?  It's not intuitive but it's a better pattern that will have more success than in the past.

Frankly, all these concepts aren't complete solutions and may not work every time - BPD patterns often seem intractable and resist recovery - but they have a track record in our collective experience to work better and more often than what was tried before.

Sorry guys I'm still getting the hang of how to reply and respond effectively to everyone's questions and feedback. I think this is a common bx that others have experienced with BPD partners- an extreme need for validation and of course attention from these people they talk to. It hurts to read the way he talks to these women- kind and flirtatious just like he used to talk to me in the beginning.

I am not ready to end the relationship so I am trying to find a way to respond effectively to this challenging and strange behavior. I check his phone regularly because it helps calm my anxiety and fears that he could be cheating or meeting up with people. I DO NOT want him to find out that I know his password obviously because then I wouldn't be able to do this checking. I think this is fair and maybe a part of him knows that I do this - he can't be that naive I would hope. It's almost like he wants me to see that he is talking to other people as a threat that he might or could leave. But again of course he never does. I constantly reinforce the fact that he is engaging in this behavior and yet continues to accuse ME of cheating and I have explained projection to him. I think if you suspect something is going on in your relationship it's on you to investigate and collect evidence so they can't deny it. It's a protective thing from lying or manipulation.