Yesterday, my H swatted my phone out of my hand.  I was taking a picture of him wearing  a T-shirt with a  a polarizing message. 

He feared I would  use it to blackmail him, by sending it to his friends, which I would never do. I took it to remind myself of who he really is.

I wonder if this means he could escalate to hitting me? He’s never done it, in 22 years of marriage. But I know I can’t rule it out. 

I realize I can’t throw him out, not just because I’d take a big financial hit, but also because he has rights. He’s on the propriety lease. He’s on the deed. Apart from that, where I live, everything is marital property. Unless he hits me and I press charges, I can’t force him out. I’m not leaving, because I have nowhere to go, and I love my home. I’m nearly 80 years old — I’m not looking to change my surroundings at this stage in my life. 

I feel stuck. 

But…

I’m detached, at all times. When his outbursts feel like he’s making me a punching bag, I leave the room. I have an enjoyable life when I’m away from him.  He’s not criticizing and digging into me as much as he used to. Now, I  can actually experience joy and peace at home, even though he almost never leaves the house.  I found ways to block him out. I’ve come a long way. 

I guess I’m just venting, but…

Is swatting the phone out of my hand a sign that he could hit me?  I’m not sure. 

Thanks.  I needed to vent. 
Jazz

Hi js friend. I am sorry you are going through this too. It’s exhausting. So many emotions. I’ve been up since 2:30 AM.

CG4ME and Mutt: Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.

CC43, You are totally on target in your assessment!! The root cause of everything she is unloading about centers on her feelings of abandonment. I recall shortly after my divorce, she made the statement “I want you to marry mom again…”

It’s been over 15 years and I don’t believe she’s ever accepted my divorce and remarriage.

Everyone involved has moved on but her.

Updating this again, mostly because I think it'll help me continue to process and deal with these experiences.

Last post was in August where I mentioned I felt 'resolved'

Around July-August she was pressuring me about 'trying again', and after some effort she work on a non-official disclosure about the betrayal stuff to help validate 'my reality of experiences'.

That kicked off some very useful anger feelings: 'she really did gaslight me that whole time'.

At that time towards the end of August I decided that I would not want to 'try again'. And communicated as such to her.

Response from her was pretty much on-brand, and very much a crash-out.
A crash out that I continue to have to deal with since then.
Kinda want to just dump a bunch of the fallout here:

- She removed access to the disclosure docs, confirming that the only reason she 'owned up' to all the stuff was to try to get another chance with me... (luckily I saved some of the docs before this)

- In October I found out she moved to the apartment building right next mine...yeah

- We share a community through our hobby. End of August I mentioned I would avoid common meeting areas for a period of time (out of trying to be nice, which was a mistake ). When I tried to come back to the common meeting activities, a mutual said she asked if I could give her more time. Luckily I said no and went back to seeing my friends and hobby.
- I was confused at the time why this happened, but came to learn that she has been becoming closer and closer with various community members that used to be more 'my friends'. So guessing she wanted more time, without me there, to integrate with the community more.

- Only my best friends, most of whom are not in the community, know all the relationship history.

- It's annoying, but basically I have proceeded to do nothing about all of the above. I just try to continue to enjoy my hobby and my friends and 'erase' her presence from my vision.
- I also don't think I should really talk to community members about any of this. I've definitely thought about it, and thought about blowing up her whole life, especially since I have the disclosure docs , but .... yeah.... not doing that.
- I guess I kinda understand now when folks would talk about being triggered when sharing space with their abusers.

- She no longer does the blog posts, but occasionally I check her Pinterest (yes I know, don't come at me plz), and a month ago she added a section on 'healing from narcissistic relationships'. So yeah I'm a narcissist now. I'm the bad guy in all this .

- However, I don't doubt myself or my truth or my narrative anymore. And PLEASE READ the gottman couples therapist who was preaching to us about 'subjective reality' while I was still in crisis mode from betrayal trauma... hell naw.

- But yeah, all of her actions and narrative warping etc. I think the common theme is just whatever helps her cope. It's a bit sad I think but at her age she's been through a lot of failed friendships and a lot of failed relationships. A lot of hurt people on the other side. Over a year ago she said during a make-up after a fight "can't you see? I've been dealing with this my whole life".
- I think when you're in that deep, a lot of the patterns/traits/fights/etc. are all just survival mechanisms, helping keep things together, and the scary stuff at bay.

- The lack of closure or 'justice' is annoying and continues to frustrate, given the shared spaces and people. The false narratives are annoying. Time helps care less.

- In general though, I'm one million percent happier and more at peace compared to the turbulent times being in contact with her. I feel like myself again and my friends can feel that.

It's really strange sometimes looking back on last year. Some of the memories don't feel real. Very much a pivotal, life-altering experience. Now I know, I feel it in my bones.

One of my closest friends was pretty blunt during the whole thing and kept saying I shouldn't be in that relationship etc, but I kinda had to still go through it on my own time and make sure I learned what I learned. Even so, I'll still put this out there:
- If you are suffering in similar ways: de-tach and leave. Your time is so so precious and it is so so finite. Life will not end when you leave, it will begin.
Frieren Season 2, Episode 1: It's okay to run away from a scary monster.

Hi GrayJay,

My prediction is that things will get worse, but you'll just stay and adapt.

Find out how to heal your wounds that cause your codependency. Only then will you be able to step forward in whatever direction you wish. In the end, it will improve your relationship.

Sorry you're going through this.  It is painful to be on the receiving end of someones anger when there is very limited to no ability to repair, which requires both sides to be willing to take accountability.  She is an adult making her own choices and unfortunately she doesn't see the long term impact those choices will have on her life and others around her.  I like your idea about the letters.  Do it.  Using grandchildren as pawns is hurtful and abusive.  She is denying her children an authentically loving relationship with their grandfather. 

It may be time to quietly share some of this increasing discord with them.  However, there may be unexpected repercussions.  Depending on how much they've been indoctrinated over the years, would they side with her?  They may get involved and then the conflict might rise to an even higher level. 


Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting are traits of BPD.  Life is full of gray areas, neither black nor white, yet the warped perceptions enable such "all or nothing" views.  Reasonably normal people would realize that.  Ponder the difference between "sins of commission" (a person acting-out, harming others) versus "sins of omission" (a person acting-in, harming self more than others).


This was a huge trigger for my ex.  I was to the point of virtually stuttering in an attempt to always phrase my responses as innocuous as possible, even with my coworkers.  She would criticize me even for standing in a group where a young woman was standing.  It's been a couple decades, but I remember pulling up to a stoplight or stop sign and she told me not to look at an older woman crossing the street in front of us.  I was driving, looking in front of me is expected.  Well, except by a too-critical spouse.


I wouldn't call it "planning" since your wish is to have a pleasant retirement, rather that you're "getting your ducks in a row" for whichever way things go.  Maybe preparation for the future, whatever it is, is a less daunting phrase.

In case things get tense and an incident occurs where legal allegations are made, likely she would claim "he always..." as though a divorce would punish you for claimed {whatever} from years and decades ago.  I and many other have been through divorces and one consistent judicial outcome was that any unsubstantiated serious complaints older than 6 months prior to filing may be heard, considered as bickering and legally hearsay, and otherwise set aside.

Of course, this is information for you.  Your lawyer would strongly advise you to not share any legal perspectives or strategies with your spouse.  Sadly, legal tidbits you may share could enable your spouse to focus on better ways to sabotage you.


My ex also would vent when I was driving.  We were alone and, just like at home behind closed doors, she felt free to "verbally vomit" as was previously phrased.

Toward the end of my marriage my then-spouse would flame out at those around us.  First, friends were dumped, then our relatives, even my elderly parents.  Perhaps she didn't sit down and plan it that way, but in reality I was increasingly isolated from others' support.

In those days, recording devices were quite basic.  But I decided I needed some proof I wasn't the aggressive one - she always claimed she was the "victim" - so I did have some recordings just in case needed.  And if protecting myself (quietly, without triggering her) documented her rants and rages, well, so be it.

Hi lisaea1523 ,

That's great that you are using the tools on this site, but I'm talking about something much deeper that is only about you and not about the relationship.

For instance, in my case, although I had gone through harsh times in my childhood, I didn't have any trauma, so I thought I was ok. But I only realized I wasn't ok when I was struck by a life event. I had an excellent job, but I was losing it after 10 years because it had become boring and I couldn't do it anymore. So they changed my contract, and I knew it was over. Suddenly, I got the feeling that the world was coming down on me. I felt weak and totally unprotected. At the same time, I was able to notice that my emotional reaction was not supposed to be so strong, so I began investigating what was wrong. It turns out that I had some wounds caused by emotional neglect.

It's now time for you to do your own investigation and subsequent work towards healing. You might have to do this before making progress in your relationship.

It may be strange to people who haven't seen these dynamics but it's very familiar to me.

My BPD mother would come up with "reasons" for her wishes but the the reason she presented often was not the actual reason. The actual reason was more about her anxiety and inability to tolerate being alone with her own distressing feelings.

For my father, not complying with her wishes also cause anxiety for him over what her reaction could be.

If he complied, this lessened her anxiety and also his. This is why your situation seems to be getting worse. The more you narrow your world, the more your wife can have her feelings soothed. This also lessens your anxiety. It's a self reinforcing pattern for both of you. Reinforced behaviors tend to persist. However, doing this also takes an emotional toll on you.

People assume if someone is being controlling that it has malicious intent but it also is a way of managing anxiety. I don't believe your wife actually thinks you are going to run off with some woman from a group. I think she fears you will talk about her, doesn't want to be alone for the evening. She may feel threatened by someone possibly having an opinion about her.

I think you are familiar with change being one step at a time. If the men's group is something more doable, it's a good place to start and it's fine to have a men's group. I think it will be a good thing.

That mix of shock and disbelief is really common after taking a formal step like that, especially when nothing on the outside has changed yet.
Add birthdays and holidays into the mix and it can feel especially surreal.
Go easy on yourself while it settles.

Hi again.

Your dd's  anger prevents her hearing anything you have to say which has been pretty much much been my experience too.

Im so sorry