Rowdy, if I’m understanding this correctly, it sounds like things between you and your girlfriend were going well for quite a while. You took your time before starting the relationship, got to know each other, and by your description it felt calm and respectful. Very different from what you experienced in your marriage.

Then the letter from her ex arrived and around that same time you noticed a shift. The “I love you” messages stopped, she became more distant, and within about a week she ended the relationship saying she felt “unbalanced.” At the same time, she’s still staying in close contact with you. Daily messages, video calls, long conversations.

That’s a confusing place to be. On one hand the relationship has ended, but the emotional connection is still very active.

One thing that stood out to me is that you’re still interacting with her in many of the same ways you would if you were still together. Long conversations and emotional support. Sometimes keeping that same level of contact can make it harder for both people to figure out what the relationship actually is now.

If it were me, I might consider stepping back a little from the boyfriend-level contact. Not out of anger, just to create some space so things can settle and become clearer. When someone says they feel unbalanced and ends the relationship, giving them room to sort through that can sometimes bring more clarity for both people.

Hi Pook. Yes very similar. My wife physically left too. Well I left, slept on my sons couch for 3 months, told my wife to leave and move in with her boyfriend if she wanted to break our family up, so I could move back in the house.

My message got cut in half earlier, for some reason.

As I was explaining, my what was current girlfriend received a letter from her bpd ex partner, from over 3 years ago. The morning of the letter arriving, before it came through the post, everything was good. It had gone from a couple of weeks before her telling me I am amazing, perfect and exactly what she needs, that she was incredibly loved up. That morning telling me she loved me. As soon as that letter came through the door it just stopped. No more I love yous, not even asking me how I was when I’d txt asking her how she was.

We broke up a week ago. She says she loves me, even last night saying I am an amazing man, but she isn’t quite sure why we have split up. She can’t really explain it other than she feels unbalanced. She still messages me daily and she even video calls me, or has done for the last 4 days and we chat for two hours. We talk, we don’t argue. I’ve explained that everything points to that letter coming through the post that has triggered her but she won’t accept it, saying she doesn’t want to get back with him and doesn’t think it’s the cause. I’m not convinced. I mean I don’t think she really wants to get back with him, but I’ve been in the situation where contact from an ex with bpd does put thoughts in your head. You know it’s not right, you know it would be dangerous to get back in that situation, but it doesn’t stop you thinking. It’s incredibly frustrating because we have not argued once. Even this situation is just rational exchanges of conversation.

Hi Rowdy,

You know our stories are very similar; my wife left out of the blue for another guy as well.  She also told me to get on dating sites, to find someone.  I think the big difference in our stories, however, is that my wife physically left.  So if there was any jealousy or raging, I wasn't around it and didn't know about it.

I met my current wife about 9 months after separation, divorced a year after that (courts were super slow during COVID), and around the 2-year mark I moved to my current wife's area.  The goal was to date and just make sure I wasn't rushing into anything. 

Like you, I saw so many glaring differences.  And this may sound strange, but I would focus more on our conflicts than our mutual love.  What happens when we disagree?  Can we talk through it?  Can we give and take to find a solution that works for both of us?  Will she play the victim every time I don't agree?

That's what told me it was real.  Not that we're perfect together or anything, but that we can work together to overcome anything.  That's what I didn't have for 25 years of my life, and that's the one area I refused to ever compromise on again.

I'll be married two years in July and it's been so amazing- I still catch myself every now and then thinking, "Wow, so this is what a healthy relationship feels like."  It's the little stuff that gets me, stuff I never experienced before, thoughtful gifts or back rubs or how my wife always flirts with me.  In just 18 months, it stopped being me or her...it's us.  It's always us.  And it's an incredible feeling daily.

I remember feeling something similar for a while after my relationship ended. When you’ve been in a dynamic with a lot of intensity, constant texting, and emotional ups and downs, you can get kind of synchronized to that rhythm. When things are calmer and more stable, it can actually feel strange at first, even if it’s healthier.

It took me some time to adjust my own habits and thought patterns. Sometimes just recognizing “this is my old conditioning talking” helped me step back from it.

A few books that talk about this kind of adjustment are Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger and I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me by Jerold Kreisman. They explain how people who’ve been in long BPD dynamics can develop hyper-vigilance or get used to the intensity, and why normal relationships can feel different for a while.

Borderline raises its ugly head.

. A couple of days before Valentine’s Day I went round my gf’s house and she told me she had received a Valentine’s Day card from her ex, that has got bpd. I’d asked her if he knew she was in a relationship with me and she said not, but knew she was in a relationship with her previous boyfriend.

The Sunday before last was 1 year since we got together. I’d asked in the morning if she wanted to do something but she said see how the day goes and she would let me know. We didnt end up doing anything and she didn’t invite me over. Two days later she sit up with me.

When she split up with me she informed me that she had received a letter from her bpd ex the Tuesday a week before. Postman comes at lunchtime, that morning she had messaged telling me she loves me followed by another with

That sounds really draining. When small things turn into debates about who said what, it can wear you down fast, especially if the other person is very certain about their version.

Something many of us run into is that once emotions are involved, people can remember the same moment very differently. It doesn’t necessarily mean anyone is lying, but it can make those conversations go in circles.

One thing that sometimes helps is stepping out of the memory debate altogether. A simple line like “we may remember that differently” can acknowledge the difference without getting pulled into proving who’s right.

Do you notice this mostly happening during tense moments, or is it more of an everyday pattern in your conversations?

Hi mssalty,

It appears like your SO is micromanaging you and, at the same time, not being clear enough when communicating their demands. Has it always been like that? Or is that a way of trying to make you feel bad and at fault just because they also feel that way in a lot of situations when they fail to fulfill your expectations?

In case it has always been like that, a gentle talk about the communication issues might be helpful. However, if this is an intentional way to make you wrong, then expressing your feelings would not help. In such a case, the best thing would be, instead, to begin by investigating why they feel in the wrong, validate that, and then try to make plans on how to avoid that from happening (protecting them from such frustrations). And this can be a long and difficult conversation.

Does that make sense for you?

My SO admonished me for not doing something minor earlier.   What I heard was a general comment to hold off on doing something, what they said to me was “I told you to do it in an hour.” 

I don’t recall being told explicitly to do something, I recall being told to wait before I did something with no guidance other than “don’t do it too soon”. 

I honestly didn’t think anything about it because it was not a specific request do to something, just not to do something prior to a certain time. 

Rather than argue the point, I just said, “okay.”   

It made me think about how much my SO has 100% recall during times of argument or frustration, even over silly things.  How much of that recall is based on a need to not be wrong in a confrontation of any magnitude?

I find myself often being told something they have said or I have said that never matches up with my recollection.  The gaslighting comes in because the SO never admits to being at fault or misremembering, and so it’s always you who somehow forgot what you or they said. 

The exhaustion comes in because you get tired of being called out on or told you’re wrong on stuff that has so little importance in the general scheme of things.   

I hope that your efforts will help. I think we have to feel we tried. I know I did try.

We are raised to feel  responsible for our BPD mother's well being but there's only so much we can do. But I know I had to give it a try and hope it will help,  and I think that you, and others in this situation deserve to feel that you have too.

I emailed her doctors surgery to put them in the picture and got a call from a receptionist cheerily offering to book my mum an appointment, I don't think they grasp the eggshells we walk on! My mum isn't some agreeable lady that I can ring and say "hey I've got you a doctor's appointment" I had to reiterate that even knew I'd contacted them she would see it as massive betrayal! I told them that this needs to be handled subtly! You would think they would have routine reviews with her being known to be mentally ill, suicidal at times and those pills! To me that's an opportunity to delve into what's happening with her and get her help. They make such hard work of a situation like this. But at least I've tried! No one can say I didn't try to get her help! I've managed not to be an object of her venom over the years but that's because I do keep contact minimal! I spend every 3rd Saturday with here usually and ring the week before and I keep it that. I may have to keep my head low for a bit now depending on how the doctors handle this!