Thank you, Mutt. I think what I’m realizing is that I need even a small bit of repair after something escalates — acknowledgment that it went too far, or reassurance that we both still want to reconnect. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. But when there’s escalation followed by silence and no repair, I feel unsettled. I also realize he may not be able to offer that.

I do try to offer small acknowledgments and signals that I’m here without being pushy, because I don’t want to make things worse. I want him to feel supported. What felt different this time was how specific the criticisms were. In the past they’ve been more general. This time it felt more personal, and that’s been harder for me to shake.

Hi, cc43,

The comment my daughter made about "I have no friends" was her talking about herself, not me. My daughter has lost ALL of her friends. She's gone through numerous roommates in college, no one was ever acceptable. Every living situation she had in college she found issues with until she had a room in an apartment by herself off-campus. Even then the family she was living with was "a problem".

I get everything everyone is saying. I've experienced everything everyone has written here. It's as though all of you are living my experiences. I've been listening for the projections behind the accusations for quite some time now. I hear them. She doesn't like facing the things she has said or done from the past but only wants to keep focus on how everyone around her has "wronged" her in some way.

Mine pulled the "I'm an adult" line and it ended up costing me thousands when she screwed that situation up. I had to remind her of that the next time she used that line and point out, "the last time you said you were an adult it cost me a lot of money." She didn't like being reminded of that.

Her last tirade was all about how she feels impotent in her life and that she will never have a relationship or a child or a job; as if she'd already given up. One of the techniques her current therapist did teach her was to call a timeout on herself when she started to lose her cool. I think it helped in one argument we had.

She doesn't like listening to anyone give her advice. Absolutely everyone is wrong about everything and she knows everything there is to know and is the definitive final say about every topic.

"I'm an adult" is a common theme for her. Right after she says, "I need money and you owe me."

Hi again,

I'd encourage you to go through some of the posts in the Son/Daughter section.  I bet you will see some recurring themes and useful tips.

By the way, your daughter's statement of "You have no friends" is probably code for, your daughter thinks SHE has no friends.  This is in all likelihood projection.  My bet is that your daughter lost some friends after unfortunate rage-texting episodes, and she's extremely hurt by that.  She's ruminating so much about her shrinking social circle that her preoccupation manifests as an accusation.

Anyway, if you notice that your daughter is making accusations of you which seem delusional, I'd recommend to listen for projections and the FEELINGS behind the accusations.  That will tell you what your daughter is really worried about.  As an example, my adult BPD stepdaughter was ruminating obsessively about falling behind her peers and generally feeling inferior.  This preoccupation often manifested in statements like, "You're condescending, you treat me like a baby, you're childish."  And also, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want, I don't have to listen to you."  She said "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want" so often that it sounded like the exact opposite.  What she was really saying was, "Though I'm an adult, I feel childish and embarrassed because I need to ask my dad to sign my lease/send me money/fix my car/explain what a car registration is, and I have to ask him because otherwise I'd be homeless/carless/have no fun and it's his fault he put me in this situation in the first place, it's not fair, I never asked to be born!"  In summary, she resents you for making her feel dependent on you . . .

Yeah, when I filed for divorce my STBXBPDW claimed she had a $10,000/month minimum payment on her credit cards.  I told my attorney either she somehow got her own card with like a six-figure limit and immediately maxxed it out, or confused her balance for her payment.  Everyone laughed at her and she had to redo it. 

Don't worry about this too much; she can  - and will - claim all sorts of insane things, but of course at court she has to substantiate them. 

Just maybe take a "snapshot" of your personal and joint finances now (like incomes, account balances, credit card balances, monthly expenses, etc.) and have that ready for mediation, so when she claims you owe her a billion dollars because that's what she was accustomed to spending, you can show how she's imagining things.

I did record before (and after) I separated and divorced, though digital recorders were somewhat primitive and limited two decades ago.  I did it low-key since I didn't want to trigger even more intense rants and rages.  Today I I look back and describe it with this logic: I needed to protect myself from false allegations that I was the aggressive or abusive one.  If it documented my ex was an aggressive "claimed victim", well, oops.

Mixed feelings. Trying to focus on the long term and the peace I will have, the happiness I’ll feel. Already thinking about trips I can take solo or with my kids without a blowup. At the same time it’s very scary. I haven’t been ‘alone’ for 27 years. I know this is just the beginning and I’ll have a lot of therapy/healing to do for a while.

It’s strange… we’re going out as usual and some of the places we’ve gone recently ive thought to myself “this is the last time I’ll be here with her”

Thanks, FD - I don’t want to tell my daughter too soon before my wife. Right now I’m thinking the closer the better, I do not want her to have to know and be around mom. I’ve been talking with my daughter’s therapist (my D signed a release) and will be taking a lot of her advice. My main objective is my daughter not  hearing some ugly distorted version from my wife while she’s becoming unglued and dysregulated. She will probably but at least she can hear a calm version from me peacefully.

My daughter has an out of state trip planned for 5 day later next month to stay with a cousin. I’m thinking that may be the best (least worst) option. At least she’ll be out of the house for the immediate explosions. I hope to talk or even have another private session with her therapist in the next couple of weeks.

As far as the false accusation goes… I don’t know what I’m doing with that. I just know it’s probably the tip of the iceberg for what’s to come. I have some sounds bites already of her threatening to make false accusations. In my head if I have something recorded where she admits she’ll say lies and it was a lie then I would use that sparingly with close people if it came to that.

I’ve come to terms that after this I will likely not talk to or see a lot of people in these circles again. I don’t really talk to most of these people anyway so why do I care?. I have a handful of friends, extended family and of course my kids that I mostly do. And my employer as well - who I will be giving a heads up to. Although it would shoot her in the foot because she would lose any alimony… not that she can think that far ahead.

Here is a link to common abbreviations here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

Also, many of our practical tools and communication skills are discussed on our Tools and Skills Workshops board, just one of our many boards here.  It includes a better view of boundaries, why logic doesn't deal with the other's feeling "in the moment", and so much more.

Even though she is aware of BPD, the idea of that label can be triggering, so be aware that some of what we discuss here might trigger as well.  For example, while Borderline was once viewed as not treatable, that's decades old.  Experienced therapists should be well aware of Dialectical or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT) but not up to us to name them lest we trigger some more.

As much as we wish otherwise, we can't "fix" the other.  Borderline is known for it hallmark traits of highly inconsistent feelings and perceptions, Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting, among others.  Your daughter has a long emotional history with both you and her mother.  That emotional baggage may make a difficult for her to truly listen to you, especially when she's in rant mode.  Hopefully an emotionally neutral and experienced therapist can help her in complementary ways you can't.

My final months living with an increasingly argumentative and disrespectful spouse were so distressing to me.  I didn't want what was coming but I could not avoid it.  Still, I was not mean nor nasty.  Those were my boundaries.  Good to see those are yours too.

I would suggest you don't confront her with her false allegation to her friend, at least not until you're ready to file.  Confrontations typically don't end well and what is the purpose anyway?  (Claims of infidelity aren't even a factor in most divorce outcomes.  Look at it this way, she's trying to make you look worse than her.)  You'd likely just trigger more lies and blaming... when you're not yet ready to file.  (Even so, despite your preparations, she may do {something} that shortens your careful timeline.)

Same for informing your daughter too soon.  Don't put her in a position where she might feel torn between whether to support you or her mother.  Your daughter is barely out of her teen but, even with the her custody and parenting not a legal factor, kids ought not feel stuck in the middle.

How does that sound?

cc43,

This hit home most with me...


This is the part that I read so many times in this post, cc43. It was about 3 or 4 years ago that I was sitting in the living room with my daughter and a friend who was about her age but going through landlord issues. She and I were talking about her options in NYC and who to contact. All of a sudden, my daughter burst out, "this is what you always do, you talk about things that I can't participate in." This was HER friend. I was only giving basic 311 advice to this friend. It was a bizarre outburst that she had to make the conversation about herself.

My daughter recently told me "I have no friends". She didn't say it in a way that was sad, just factual.

So much of what has said in the near and far past resonates with everything you wrote. She DOES expect me to continue funding her life. She actually said that she expects "compensation" for her childhood.

Her mother (ex-wife) is a problem in she won't and didn't share ANY information about her diagnosis until I found out on my own. I wonder how long my ex has known but has kept it all from me.

Her final texts to me were all about her knowing she's being manipulative but that she's jealous that she'll never have a "normal" life and that I need to take care of her for that.

All of what she said was bizarre. Most of it was just unhinged. I tried to remind her of her past behavior and she just ignored anything I told her. Now, I know why. A lot of what she ranted and raved at me about makes a lot more sense now that I know what the issues are (somewhat).

I suggested going to a family therapist together. Her response, "I don't want us to heal" yet she signed off her last text with that she would find a therapist. Any therapist I'd found she insisted that I was finding one that would just gaslight her.

I am not looking for validation for anything. I am looking for coping mechanisms. What I am also finding is that others have dealt with this with their own kids. In some ways that's comforting. At the same time, it's saddening.

I hope there's hope. I can only wait and see.

Thank you for the response. Your message was very informative as have everyone else's. I very much do appreciate all the responses.