@Pook075

Just wanted to say EXCELLENT summary of the BPD relationship cycle.  Spot on. 

The relational and community fallout from ending a BPD relationship can be painful. It's not just you and your ex ending your relationship; it often has a polarizing ripple effect on friends and acquaintances, too. I think it's wise of you to decline to get involved in trying to warn him or "make people see".

My H lost a good friend because his wife was close friends with his kids' mom. I think now, ~15 years later, it's possible that this friend might have finally heard some of the darker details (briefly, his wife is friends with a good friend of mine, whom I told about having to call CPS last year, and I kind of don't care if my friend told others about CPS involvement with the kids' mom & stepdad). Still waiting for an apology there... but others in our small community have come back and said outright to me that now that they know more, they feel duped by Mom & Stepdad.

It took a long time (over a decade) and I had to let go a long time ago of "waiting for payback" or "waiting for everyone to see the truth". I had to make peace with myself and with knowing who I was, and that even if nobody else saw it, I was OK with me. There are probably still people in our community who continue to idolize Mom and Stepdad, but it doesn't really bother me any more and I don't want to associate with that kind of person (who can be so fooled for so many years).

People with good heads on their shoulders will sense the dynamic early.

Keep yourself out of the mud and live a life of integrity. If you need to vent about details or observations, a good therapist is a great resource. I don't think that means "don't talk about your struggles with anyone", more just -- be judicious about what you're hoping for when you share with community members what's going on. Sometimes it helps to workshop a few neutral phrases about your situation, depending on who's asking you what's going on: "Unfortunately, our marriage is drawing to a close. It's a difficult time, and it means a lot that you checked in with me" "We had some big challenges and are parting ways. You can always ask me about anything you hear, and I'll answer to the best of my ability" "Yes, we are divorcing, and I'd appreciate your prayers right now" "I try respect everyone's privacy, of course, but if you'd like a longer conversation about how I'm doing, let's grab coffee next week" etc.

It may take a bit of time to find an equilibrium in your community again, but it's very possible... we did with ours. Shifts and rearrangements are hard, yet people of quality stuck with us, and that has meant a lot.

Hi guys. My ex and I started talking again after a few years. She gives me no time, though she’ll say she misses me, and the days we were together. Makes jokes about not fully being able to leave me. Even told me I should come visit. Then she disappears. This has been going on since fall, she had just reached out again after a few months of nothing. She also keeps telling me she has no phone and I feel like she keeps me at a distance. It tears me up cause I can see her active and she either leaves me on read or doesn’t even read my message and it hurts. I’ve been genuine, I told her I’d love to talk again and I miss her but all I seem to be worth is a few messages a day if that. What is going on? My heart is getting torn apart over this.  I’ve told her so many times it hurts but I feel like she just says what I wanna hear, and I don’t want to make a fool of myself. Just yesterday she told me to come visit, and then left me on read over a day. It’s killing me and she is all that I can think about my heart is hurting. I really need advice. I think I upset her by telling her I figured I she hated me and wanted me dead, and told her I thought of removing the tattoo I had for her when she told me she still had my name tattooed. I've thought about it and I'm down playing the game. It's obvious she is toying with me and I hate myself for letting it drag on, I've made a total ass of myself once again, three years later. I just want to know if there is anyway to make her feel my pain, I want her to understand how worthless she made me feel and I want it to hurt her just as she hurts me. If she even replies I'm done answering I just hate this feeling. It's not fair she gets to ruin me and move on like it never happened

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It's so common for someone with ED to also have SUD and to show BPD traits when they are restricting. I can't tell if you feel the ED is a newer behavior or has been an ongoing pattern?

I have a child in recovery from an ED, and I know it's a battle. As an adult, I'm not sure you hold much sway, which is devastating. I probably would not comment on the thinness or the eating, as you may know, comments can reinforce if she is restricting.

You might instead couch it as: During our trip, I noticed you didn't have much of an appetite. Moms will always be mom, so I wanted to check in and see if all was okay. I'm here if you ever have something you want help with.

My child has been in recovery a bit, and it was finally when she had something to fight for, as DBT would say. It still rears its head, though. It's a tough illness.

The final thing I would say is if you don't have a therapist versed in helping families dealing with ED and or BPD type issues, I believe it's vital for us moms. Or at least support groups. Hang in there.

Welcome,
 And great news you are seeing a therapist.  You need to build your reserves up, and you can only really help you if the other adult doesn't see need. Write more to us as you are able.

Most importantly, you need to make sure you have your own support network, especially if your adult daughter does not think she need help.   Not to be a downer, but please have lowered expectations when you do talk (or already have spoken ) to her.   Don't take it on as a failure on your part.

Well, thanks for that, though I really think if this guy knew everything that was going on between me and my ex he would have second thoughts.   I just can't tell him.   He is involved romantically with someone he doesn't know that well, that I have known for 25 years, and am in a high conflict litigation with.   I don't like that he hasn't said anything to me about it and seems comfortable advertising that he is with her, even though he knows her stbx husband is there and she isn't on good terms with him.   I need to keep my distance from them I have decided, even if that means letting it drive me away from my community a little.   The universe doesn't keep score.

Kells76,

I didn't have those words, but yes - she is in prolonged dysregulation with mostly me only.

She goes in and out of communication with my husband, her dad, and can have normal talks with him. But there's a cycle. If he won't do something she wants or says the wrong thing, she'll get angry, and she'll tell him no more relationship. She knows he has no patience for this, so she'll eventually come around, and they'll return to civil conversations for a while.

We have not had a normal "what are you up to" conversation since March.

Ex) She was making threats and was hysterical with me a few months ago. 50+ calls.
A few minutes later, her dad comes in after being gone, speaking to her on the phone (he didn't know the day's history). She was talking normally to him and even laughing. I COULD NOT believe this was the same person. I don't know if she hides it from him or ramps it up for me because I keep trying.

If I were describing a friendship, I would say the friend holds a grudge and won't soften. Every call is to tell me this, but the calls don't stop. I ask for reconciliation. She says - no, too late. But unlike a friend with whom you might wind down the friendship, she's my kid, and I know she's in pain, so I find myself wanting to stop talking to her, but also feeling pain for her pain.

In my experience, we had a few families in our area that were "friends"... our kids would play together, and we (the adults) would spend time talking and drinking and eating while they played.  These were all more acquaintances than long time friends.  We met them after our kid was born.

But among those people, I noticed the only couple that actually seemed to take BPDxw's side were the two biggest losers - he was constantly unemployed, and she was obese and had a bunch of chronic illnesses, who were constantly bickering themselves.  Everyone else - everyone well-adjusted! - stayed cordial with us both.

And in the end, while it's irritating that anyone listens to their BS, it doesn't amount to much, and toxic people more often than not have their own falling outs, as they are of course toxic.  It's what they do. 

So in the short term, don't sweat it.  In the long run, the truth comes out, and you'll look better for taking the high road. 

Short answer:  yes, go for sole custody for your son's well-being.

And if you struggle with this, and with self-doubt, get therapy for yourself so you can be the best parent you can for him. 

By the time I got to your third bullet point in the list I was convinced.  It's one thing to be difficult to other adults, but it's another to completely fall apart like that mentally in front of a child and behave like that.  What is the kid's take away?  That's gotta be incredibly scary for a kid to witness a supposed parent behaving like that.  You can only imagine her getting worse over time as well, if she was burdened with having to care for your son for extended periods of time.

And it sounds like she's so selfish that she's willing to play games with him and with custody to manipulate you.  That's another sign to me she's not fit to be a parent. 

Document all this and present it your attorney, along with a request for an explanation of how they plan to approach your case.