I hear you. Along with my pwBPD, they have rewritten the history of our relationship. They have picked it apart and found where we "went wrong" and dug into my character over issues that aren't theirs to dig into. They know things about our relationship they shouldn't.They complain that I've gone to various counsellors to work through it versus keeping it all within the family. They say that family makes the best counsellors. In many ways, they've driven more of a wedge with their blame shifting and standing with my husband. And I know that he gives them partial information at times and takes cues from them.

I know, lots of red flags. When relating a blow-up to a close friend who happens to be a therapist (I'm not a client), the first thing she asked was how deeply his family is involved. Ironically, my family (the narcissist is dead BTW) is just supporting me, period. They aren't digging in at all. Interesting.

I was looking for a certain employee. She has a beautiful brown apron, with four large pockets and she resembles my slightly quirky, imaginary friend who flies. She showed me a trapdoor once that led to the staff lounge. It was eerie, toiletless, with a Venus flytrap in one corner and a single purple chair beside it. I decided to investigate.

Under the chair, there was a switch that brightly glowed red. I decided to flip the switch. To my surprise, once pressed, a change in the Purple chair took place. It started to unfurl wings, piquing the interest of Vunda, my venus flytrap. It might have been my imagination, but I believe I saw the face of Nicolas Cage!

I was feeling very unnecessary. So I went looking, I looked up the parrot squad, who sell parrot-fashion and ninja accessories. Nunchucks, feather extenders, little top hats. I ordered some drinks for my nerves. This story now gets really quite bizarre.

As I left the beagle at home a party began quite unexpectedly. So the cat was under the bed, hogging all the limelight as usual. I got down on my hands

Hi momtara,

Having to re-iterate that there is no "we" anymore would be awkward. I like how Foreverdad put it just state that you like how the arrangements are now and that it wouldn't be good for him if you were together. I don't think I would share much more, just state the facts, don't JADE, you don't have to give him a long explanation.

anxiety disorders as well as depressive/mood disorders, and impulse disorders. my best/closest gal friend struggles a lot with impulsivity in romantic relationships. not in the more extreme way the DSM describes, with binge eating, unsafe driving, promiscuity, that sort of thing where impulsivity is a way and danger of life, but for example, when shes flooded with abandonment anxiety, she will flip out, send her partner a cascade of texts, do self/relationship sabotaging things. shes a very jealous partner, snoops. she regrets it all later, but doesnt have the tools to stop herself and regulate. it looks a lot like what i experienced with my ex.

an insecure attachment style can look a lot like (and is often synonymous with) BPD traits as well.


i think it depends though, on where we draw it. a lot of the conflict here is common, if dysfunctional, every day stuff like:

-fighting over money
-fighting over the kids/parenting
-fighting about other family members
-fighting about friends
-fighting about/during holidays
-fighting about what to do/where to go
-fighting about time together/time apart
-not being on the same page about the future/timeline/commitment
-fighting over "vices"
-fighting about the sex
-fighting about division of chores/labor
-fighting about who is "giving more" in the relationship
-fighting about how each handles conflict
-significant differences in values (broad)
-boredom or stress

a key difference to me regarding BPD traits is that most relationships dont involve, say, threats of suicide, or the frequency/extremes of emotional dysregulation and high sensitivity. mental illness (severe or mild) by and large speaks to/effects how one copes with conflict, and/or life in general. most relationship conflict itself, is nearly universal.

I've had court since last July to get my D13 back home after my exuBPDw was trying to alienate her from me because the child support for her is going to go down she makes more money than she did 6 years ago. That's still not settled I'm filling out a case management for it. I went to court at least twenty different times when we were divorcing and within the first 5 minutes of the first appearance the judge ordered what I would be paying for child support. Why can't I have that if the child support is changing, it's seven months and it's still not settled?

I'd rather get my teeth drilled from the dentist than make an appearance in court, I can see why some guys walk away from their kids, would I do it all over again? I would without a doubt when it comes to the kids - I hope that they appreciate that later on in life.

I remember all of the faces before court was in session, I would see a guy with a woman and another woman looking at guy and it was like she was shooting lasers from her eyes, so the guy was probably with the other woman. Anyways know what I know now about divorce court, I think that before you get married go to a court session for an hour an hour and half and watch the drama. You don't know what's in store for you when the marriage is over.

I don't want to generalize, some people have divorces that are not as difficult they can relatively get along with their ex and they'll look at what's best for everyone, divorce is not always as difficult for everyone but it's really tough when it's a pwBPD/NPD.

One thing I’ve learnt, dysfunctional foo’s will circle their wagons and engage in whole rewrites of the near and distant past in order to protect those foo secrets .... in my first marrrage, for instance ..... when it was clear to my MIL at that time that I “knew”, it was resultant in wholesale character assasination towards me.... holy smokes !

In my current marriage (now separated) foo has gone to great links to rearrange the facts of what happened .... even before the breakup, when I began to ask “questions”, the other foo sisters became very agitated towards me, as if they were now angry at me for wanting to know more about the family dynamics ... history .... guess I got too close, and asked a few too many questions.

The middle sisters husband however has a big mouth, and he told me a whole lot more than I wanted to know one night when we were fishing  .... just a few weeks before mine and my wife’s incident resulting in our split.

Yes .... the family secrets are well guarded.

Red5

I try to get her to explain what she said or is doing in therapy but she has transient cognitive impairment. She struggles to remember details or whole events or conversations.  She tries hard to relate everything she can recall.  She does feel like she just wants to to end sometimes and is relieved when there is no sexual contact but loves when there is just physical closeness.  She doesn't want to discuss her sexual abuse history with a therapist and dislikes discussing it with me.  I'm not sure if she needs to discuss this in therapy...is that part of the DBT process?  I just want her to show more interest in me and enjoy our sexual life.  Any help is greatly appreciated!

Interestingly, I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an NPD mother and passive father, and I remember LOTS from age 4-5 on. I had therapy in college and then when my NPD mother was in decline. Of course people in that situation have lifetime struggles, but at least I had gone into that with a professional. The therapist says that I was likely attractive to him because he wanted to "save" me. Except I became his scapegoat and the focus of his fury and desire to control as he unravelled.

Because he doesn't remember and is super-loyal to his family, I doubt that going into his past would have gone anywhere. There were family secrets in the immediate family that came out as our relationship broke apart (ironically more than my family). I've distanced myself from them by choice though because they have few boundaries and talk too much. I found out that there had even been some lying about how we were busy and still together in order to cover up what happened with people close to them. Not my people at this point.

Sorry if my explanation was not the best.  Don't give his carers a list of generic BPD traits.  They are likely to be most interested in your observations.  One way to think of it is by thinking of examples of his behavior.  I'm just thinking out loud, but you might consider two buckets, "basic functioning," and "relationships."  What are the ways in which you see that his basic functioning is impaired?  How do you experience him in a relationship?

Don't feel that you have to do this perfectly.  I remember being at the stage you are at, giving information to my BPDw's therapist.  I was heavily invested in the outcome and was very anxious.  It took me a long while for me to come to terms with how much was outside of my control.

Try not to worry too much.  Just jot down a few examples as you think of them on basic functioning and relationship stuff.  Tell them how you experience him, and you'll have made a big contribution to his care.

RC

I was looking for a certain employee. She has a beautiful brown apron, with four large pockets and she resembles my slightly quirky, imaginary friend who flies. She showed me a trapdoor once that led to the staff lounge. It was eerie, toiletless, with a Venus flytrap in one corner and a single purple chair beside it. I decided to investigate.

Under the chair, there was a switch that brightly glowed red. I decided to flip the switch. To my surprise, once pressed, a change in the Purple chair took place. It started to unfurl wings, piquing the interest of Vunda, my venus flytrap. It might have been my imagination, but I believe I saw the face of Nicolas Cage!

I was feeling very unnecessary. So I went looking, I looked up the parrot squad, who sell parrot-fashion and ninja accessories. Nunchucks, feather extenders, little top hats. I ordered some drinks for my nerves. This story now gets really quite bizarre.

As I left the beagle at home a party began quite unexpectedly. So the cat was under the bed, hogging all the limelight as usual. I got down

Hi Family!

This story is cracking me up. Thanks to all who are participating - it's nice to have a fun place to come, goodness knows we all need more fun in our lives! 


~ OH