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Hi Gray Jay,
I can see how that sort of interaction would be really distressing. My guess is that most of the accusations are projections. But at the same time, I can't help but see how it looks like your wife is trying to stir up a fight. My guess is that something else went on during the trip--maybe you "outshined" her in front of others, or you said something she took as an insult, for example.
You did what I would ordinarily do--try to reassure her of your love and commitment. My go-to phrase is, I choose to be with you every day. But sometimes, it looks like the imagination runs absolutely wild. Sometimes, by "engaging" and giving attention, I think it might "validate" that the pwBPD actually has a point--rather than calming them down, engaging with the topic riles them up. It's as if the attention is tacit confirmation of offense, that you "dignify" the argument with counter-argument! I think if my spouse were giving me that sort of crap, ignoring my reassurance, I'd just leave the room.
Here's an example: my spouse will do that sort of thing, try to "ruin" a nice day or evening, by accusing me of "abandoning" him or being "too nice" to other people. He'll say it's unfair that I have a social life, that I have friends, that I give his relatives attention, etc., and it's all BALONEY. He'll become apoplectic if I'm out "late," say until 8:30 or 9 pm one evening every other month, when he's out "late" two or three times a week.
Since it's all nonsense, I usually just let him rage by himself. I think he knows perfectly well he's being unreasonable, going off the deep end over the equivalent of a sad old pair of underwear. And yes, it's completely unreasonable to demand proof of purchase from years ago. I've learned that when arguments get to "ridiculous" levels, there's no point in arguing, so I gray rock instead and slip out of the room. If he follows me looking for a fight, I'll try it again--stay silent and slip out of the room. If he's so enraged that he's looking for a fight, the third time, I'll say something like, "I'm not going to fight with you over old underwear," and try to leave again. I know I'm a little cheeky when I call out the nonsense, but I think it's important, lest he thinks I'm OK with tolerating nonsense.
Then usually what I do is try to repair things the next day, when he has calmed down--usually he has by then. I'll say, My darling, it's upsetting to me to think that you think I'm cheating on you, that I'm not paying enough attention to you. But I love you and choose to be with you every day. Just because I (have an old pair of underwear / get coffee with a girlfriend / come home at 8:30 pm / put on mascara) doesn't mean that I love you any less. I support you in your life and your family so that you have a happy life, and I expect the same support from you. If he's belligerent, then I'll say, in my most agreeable voice possible, OK then, if you want to make some changes, then I will do it, to show you my commitment to you. But if there are changes, we BOTH make them, because we are partners. I'm an adult, just like you, and I'm not a slave in this relationship. If you want proof of purchase of all my clothes, then I expect the exact same from you. If you insist I have a 6 pm curfew, then I expect the exact same for you. If you want to take anything of mine without asking first, then I can take anything of yours without asking either. If you insist that I make all meals at a specific time, then I insist that you're home to eat every single meal at the prescribed time. If you insist on dictating what I wear, then I dictate what you wear too. If I'm not allowed to look at text messages, then you aren't either. OK then? Will that make things better? And that usually ends the argument, at least for the moment.
I don't know, maybe the way to convey this is I try to be firm but fair (or maybe, equally unfair). The fair part is really important to me. Otherwise, I'd just end up resenting my partner, constantly being restricted / controlled / surveilled and put in a position of "proving" my devotion, when it's impossible.
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