Normal.  What is normal?  Too many of us felt we had to normalize our relationships, even when they became increasingly abnormal.  What we initially would not have tolerated in our lives - whether conflict or even abuse -  eventually was tolerated when repeated over and over.  This is an aspect of how we humans adjust to our environment.  It is strange how our reaction to our experiences tends toward it being a "normalizing" factor.

As an example, many readers would be shocked and stunned to experience a hurricane or earthquake.  Yet for those who live in hurricane or earthquake zones they would be accustomed to such possibilities.  More than that, they would also make preparations and use strategies to minimize the impact on their lives and welfare.

This may or may not help, but when my BPD ex suddenly broke up with me, I felt like the world had ended.  I couldn't imagine a life outside that relationship since we had been together for so long, raised kids together, etc.  So I went through similar patterns, not as bad as what you describe, but the same things over and over.  The same arguments and accusations.  The same whispers behind my back with sideways glances.

Maybe 6-9 months after the relationship ended, I realized that what I clung onto so tightly was the comfort of our relationship.  Sure, it was bad sometimes, but she knew how I liked my coffee, we had the same hobbies, we could finish each other's sentences, etc.  Even though the stuff that really mattered wasn't there, I stuck around because it's what I did for 20+ years and it now felt entirely normal.

I'm not trying to say for you to stay or leave here, so please don't take my story as inspiration on what to do.  Instead, I just wanted to show that what I thought was a normal relationship in the moment was actually a disaster once I had some distance from it and enough time to process.  You can't truly evaluate your own relationship because it feels so darn normal.

If you're unsure, some time apart would do you wonders.  I'm not saying to end things or even separate, nothing that drastic.  But stepping back even for a short period of time can really open your eyes to what you have and how it completes you as a person.  Maybe her occasional rants are normal, maybe they're completely abnormal.  I can't say as an outsider looking in.  But you can find that answer on your own by putting some distance from the fighting and anger.

One more thing- nobody wins an argument when BPD is involved...absolutely everyone loses 100% of the time.  So if you can hold back from exploding or find a different way to avoid the fight, then it goes a really long way to stabilizing the relationship.  Likewise, finding different communication patterns is massive since it allows you to discuss sensitive topics without declaring war. 

I'll admit, I was lousy at it most of the time, and I got so much better after we separated.  Why?  For the reasons I just discussed...I saw things from a fresh perspective and recognized the mental illness patterns.  I realized that the fighting had nothing at all to do with me and was 100% about disordered thinking with my ex feeling horrible inside.  That changed my anger into compassion and the arguing completely stopped naturally.

I hope that helped, I tried to hit "both sides of the fence" there.

So classic!  That's exactly the sort of thing that happens with the uNPD BIL in my life.  It's as if the opening of 529 accounts were for show, for bragging rights mostly.  Nevertheless, your partner falters when it comes to actually funding and administering the accounts.  He's "above" banal details like tax forms and selecting investment allocations, let alone making recurring contributions.  If you dare call him out on it, he turns around and accuses you of being shady!

Here's the rub though:  I suspect there's more to it than mere selfishness when it comes to actually funding the accounts.  I wouldn't be surprised if your partner were confused by the whole process, and instead of getting help (for example by talking with an account rep), he shuts down completely, lest he be "exposed" for his lack of knowledge.  Moreover, when you ask him for forms, you're reminding him that you are better informed than he is, and he feels compelled to insult you, to put you in your proper place.  Every time you mention the 529, it's a reminder that you are outperforming and outshining him, and he can't stand it.  Rather than be grateful for your contribution to the future security of your kids, he's too busy feeling ashamed, and then angry.  So he'll change the subject to highlight how he helps the kids some other way, which doesn't solve the 529 issue at hand.  Does that sound about right?

I guess this is consistent with some of my prior points:  not to rely on him for much economic or logistical support.  That extends to administrative affairs, such as handling 529 accounts.  Sure, he'll want to be involved if it makes him LOOK good in front of others.  If he's like my disordered NPD BIL, he'll brag to family, co-workers and friends about how sophisticated and generous he is, setting up the 529s.  But when there's any work or sacrifice, he's unreliable.  My advice is, just plan for that.  It sounds like you know he's not reliable when it really counts.  That's sad, but then again I think it's sadder to be constantly disappointed.  I like the idea of taking the reins wherever it matters for the kids.

PS, kudos for taking care of your kids and being financially savvy.  You sound amazing.  They are so lucky to have you.

This is what I did with difficult people when I had a job. This is what I do with the neighbor. It's tends to remove the target from your back. They have an itch they need to scratch and will look elsewhere.

 I do this when the line's been crossed a few times. I don't confront the person but let the 3rd party (City agency in my case handle it fairly and justly).

People seem more isolated these days, including me. Having these various forces coming at us at one time feelings disorienting. I tend to think I'm the only one to go through this since my friends are few and far between. Everyone else is living happy lives is a holdover from childhood for me. Everyone has issues and deep disappointments.

Just as you said, September song, it's part of life. We all have weird bosses, neighbors, family and clogged sinks in our lives. These are things no one can escape.

I have noticed I go slower when I get to know people now. It gives me a chance to discern the person's character. I know I said that above so sorry for the repeat!

It is a "you" problem insofar as you are making yourself responsible for this person's feelings, and allowing them to repeatedly torment you.  


It seems to me you feed into this dynamic by allowing her to frame issues like this.  Mixing up a date is no big deal, and certainly not on the same level as calling someone awful names like that, yet you apologized to her over it?  

I can see the dynamic between you as she basically telling you "run on this hamster wheel" and you do it, and hope that she won't ask you to again, but of course she will, because you keep doing it.  Why would she expect the next time to be any different?  

Consider why she would be "hurting" if you left her (I assume that's what you meant in the first quote I posted above, that you would hurt her by leaving her to end this dynamic).  Why?  Would she really be hurting if you left?   Does she love you?  If she does, why does she treat you like this?  If you have a discussion about this, explaining to her that the way she treats you is unacceptable, and in no way is mixing up a date the same thing as calling someone the names she used, what do you think would happen?  

Sorry I am thinking about this more than I should today!  Another example, we opened investment accounts for each of our 5 kids years ago, with the intention of putting money in them each year to help them in their future.  For some reason we couldn't open them in both of our names, so we agreed I would open the ones for my oldest 2 kids and our youngest daughter and he would open the one for my step daughter and our younger son.  Outside of the initial amount required to open the account he has never put a single dollar in any of the accounts.  He has a 529 for my step daughter and puts money aside for her but no one else!  For the last several years, I have put a small amount of money a month into each of those accounts, including my stepdaughter's.  Every year at tax time, I ask him to submit the forms from those accounts and he tells me that there is nothing, and my response is that means that you have not had the money invested.  I have organized it all for him and had our accountant call him to just get an ok to follow the same investment profile that my 3 kids accounts have and he told them that it sounded like I was trying to do something shady and hung up on them, I have asked him to call numerous times, I have proved to him that my 3 accounts are more than triple the amount of his accounts and asked him to please call to have them invested as its for the benefit of the kids and he responded "spending time with their dad is for the benefit of the kids".  I have finally thrown my hands up and am opening my son another account in my name and will transfer the money there instead so I can make sure it is being taken care of correctly.  I have concluded that he is afraid that this will make me look good in the future, being able to give them these accounts to hopefully help them get started in life, so would rather ruin it than actually contribute to them as well!  He can afford way more than I can, so giving this to them would be nothing to him!  But...he is too selfish! 

Thanks CC!  It is very similar, except that he "overly cares" about the kids when it suites him, in a very strange way where he thinks he is protecting the kids but in reality he is controlling them to "be on his side" as he has done with my stepdaughter.  I have set up everything so that I don't need to rely on him, I literally have a back up to everything I "depend" on him for and the back up has nothing to do with him.  I only ask him, as I believe he should be involved, but know the chances of that happening are slim most weeks.  But he will do everything he can to ruin that when in this mood.  Take the last 24 hours...my son has issues with school and my daughter gets hurt.  I do the practical thing, call the school to get things fixed and bring our daughter to the dentist for an emergency appointment.  He is too busy taking care of himself (he is so afraid that he will gain hundreds of pounds if he doesn't do his walks and gym time one day...he is over the top...then eats an entire pantry that night since he is up all night) to actually be there for our daughter and would rather blame me than actually see the reality, it takes the focus off him not being there if "its my fault".  While I am actually taking care of things, he is blaming me and causing more damage as he does, wanting to make it look like he cares as the blame obviously has to be on me, as things just can't be what they are.  He often switches things on the kids which makes them upset, but then pretends all is ok because he buys them something.  Same as when he yells at them and when they are hurt by him yelling at them, he tickles them...and he does the same at bed time, I put the kids to bed and he then lays next to them and starts tickling them but gets upset when they then want to play and not sleep.  He does ask the kids what they did at school, but often forgets that he already asked them because he actually isn't listening and then will ask again.  I don't think he is actually truly present when in this mode, he has hit his car on the side of the garage twice this year pulling out of the garage cause he isn't present (and I'm supposed to be ok with him having my young kids alone!).  He stated to me less than 24 hours ago that he will not be at our house with the kids, yet has been there twice, but made them sleep at his house because it makes me and the kids upset, but if I were to plan something different, he would derail that plan and physically come be with the kids, "protecting" them from my evil plan and in turn creating an unsafe environment for all.  He has stated that he can't pick the kids up from school any longer as he has to work, but goes to the gym every day and when I checked the camera he came to our house this morning and is still there for when the babysitter gets there, but why tell anyone that he is there...I let the babysitter know otherwise it would have scared the crap out of the her.  He also switched the presentation time for our son without telling me to a time that I can do it, but I would have never known if the teacher hadn't confirmed the time change with me instead of him.  He is literally doing everything he can to get under my skin!  I am holding steady with not responding, but struggling inside! 

Hearing everyone's feedback is so helpful and welcomed! The members here understand what is is like to be abused and the challenges of the road to recovery.

Yesterday I had a big "aha" moment. I ran into a long time friend with whom I often have long intimate discussions. I did not talk to him about my neighbor yet I felt seen and heard. Since then I have been feeling so content.

I realize that I need to cultivate more close rewarding relationships and spend more time with the people I value. Then I won't be so likely to seek out relationships with people who in the long run can only hurt me and when people are abusive I won't be so affected so deeply or for as long. I am vulnerable to being love bombed, then hurt when the person who love bombed me suddenly gets abusive. As this same long time friend told me in one of our past discussions not the most recent one: I am way too nice and vulnerable to being groomed. I recognize I do need to take the time to get to know people and be careful how much I share about myself until I know that the person I am with is someone I can trust.

As for my neighbor, in the beginning she was out of the ordinary nice to me. She was literally preparing me to be controlled and abused by her. Now it is time to permanently limit contact with her and to stop the JADING. By trying to explain my points of view to her, I just set myself up for more abuse and feelings of despair like I feel with so many family members who have made me one of the permanent family scapegoats.

As far as doing anything legal or calling the police. It has been several years since she replaced the door on my house without my permission. The areas around my house are HOA property. In the past, I have worked behind the scenes to limit her power and control. For example, at one point she was determined to have the property painted by her expensive contractor, would not allow my contractor to be vetted, and demanded we have all the buildings painted the colors she wanted. I went to the HOA and eventually got it so the other contractor was vetted and chosen for the job. I formed a paint committee with some other owners so there was a vote on the colors. The neighbor refused to be part of the paint committee, did not get her colors chosen or the contractor she demanded. She made the contractor's life hell and luckily he finished the job. All the owners got over a thousand dollars back from the original assessment which was for the neighbor's more expensive contractor. I do have options and power which is all about working with the other owners while having as little contact as possible with the abusive neighbor.

Hi there,

What you describe echoes how my undiagnosed NPD brother-in-law acts.  I couldn't point to one or two incidents that illustrate his behavior; it's more about a general pattern of manipulation, meanness, self-centeredness and control.  If I tried to write it out, it might sound like I'm crazy.  But here are some of the patterns I've noticed:

*His own interests come before the children's.  An example might be, he'll be upset if the kids don't seem interested in him or what he's doing . . . and yet he'll basically show zero interest in what the kids are doing.  Another example might be, all the conversations revolve around his interests, and yet he won't show interest in the children, not even as banal as asking, How was school today?

*He makes scheduling and logistics absolutely impossible.  He's chronically late, typically by more than 45 minutes, and yet he blows his top if others make him wait for three minutes, even if for a valid reason (like sickness, an accident).  He demands that you write out logistical details, sometimes multiple times, and he needs constant reminders and explanations (e.g. for directions) . . . He expects you to maintain the calendar of activities and do all of the execution, according to HIS schedule, and yet he can't be relied upon to do his part, let alone even show up.  Why?  He thinks he's exempt from doing his part.  It almost seems like he ENJOYS barking at someone else to update him, to get his approval and await his slow reply.  It's like he wants to have a say on every detail, even if he's not involved.  I think it's a power move--he's controlling and yet not contributing.  He wields his veto power with gusto.

*He expects others to over-function for him.  One small example is that he expects his spouse or kids to wake him up.  He's too "important" to set his own alarm.  And yet his spouse and kids don't want to have to wake him up, because he's a total grump when awakened; he'll shout that he wasn't awakened "properly" and will hurl insults.

*He has a million excuses for non-performance.  His go-to excuses are his own ailments:  a sore knee, a sore toe, an upset stomach.  He frequently visits urgent care, often when his kids are in his care.  Yet if the kids have a health issue (one is particularly prone to stomach upset and vomiting), he ignores it, or chastises her for throwing up.   

*He does whatever he wants whenever he wants, with seemingly zero consideration for other people, even his own children.  An example might be, he'll binge-watch TV and binge-eat at night, and so by morning, he wants to sleep in late.  The kids will awaken at their normal time and want breakfast, and yet there's no food the kids like at his place--the fridge is empty.  He'll insist on sleeping until the afternoon, at which time he'll order brunch or something.  Meanwhile, the kids are starving.  They might be good and quiet for two or three hours, but as the morning progresses, they get hungrier and crankier, and they start to make some noise and act out.  Then he'll scream at the kids for waking him up.  And this is his visitation time.  Basically he wants to SLEEP during visitation and not feed or interact with the kids, not until HE is ready.  It would be one thing if he were working a night shift.  But he's unemployed of course.

*He doesn't contribute economically as he should.  With my BIL, he's remained unemployed long-term.  Sure, he'll "pretend" to look for work.  He'll talk about it, too.  But the record shows he hasn't worked a day since 2019.  Once he blamed his children for not being able to go to Washington to work on the DOGE project--he made it seem like he would have been chosen because he's a self-proclaimed "genius," but he couldn't go because he had to stay near the kids?  Anyway, he is providing absolutely the minimum child support he can get away with, and every payment is late.  He has his kids living at poverty-level support, while he spends marital assets on himself, buying all sorts of things online that he never even bothers to open.  I'm pretty sure he orders all of his meals with DoorDash.

Sound familiar?

If it does, one thing you might try is to put a limit on his power over logistics.  One way to do this is not to rely on him to do anything--that way, you and the kids won't be disappointed by non-performance, but if he does show up, then that's gravy. Another way is to limit his veto rights, by how you frame logistics.  Rather than ask permission, you can say that a nil response is tacit consent.  That might look like:  "Son has a special school event to attend on Thursday at 4 PM.  Unless I hear from you otherwise by tomorrow night, I'm signing his permission slip and will take him."  A non-repsonse means he's OK with it.  Just give him at least 24 hours to object or propose an alternative.  Chances are he won't reply because it's too much "work" for him.

Thank you all for these posts. It means a lot. I will definitely try to do things that will make my life have more purpose and activity in it. I’m also hoping that grad school will help in that respect as well once it starts.

 I just wish it wasn’t the way it was with her, but obviously it is. I just always think of what could have been. Like I said before everything felt perfect in that time with her, not just her but everything. Other things in my life were in the perfect area as well so now it kinda feels like I’m rebuilding and starting all over from zero. There are lyrics from a song called, “Fear,” by NF, “ Make all my hopes and my dreams come to life just to lay them to rest.”

I guess I just have to keep moving and put one foot in front of the other.