I meant to add I would feel depressed at times but I didn’t know why and it didn’t have anything to do with my wife at the time. This was before any monkey branching antics so before that might have been a trigger for me.

Yes with my ex she would ask me if I was ok or if something was wrong. I’d feel down or depressed about something but try not to show it. I would say I was ok, or that everything was fine.

Post breakup I told her that sometimes I wasn’t fine and felt depressed. So she picked up on my body language. Which in turn made her think it was her that made me feel depressed.

Towards the end of the relationship she would ask me more often. I think this was because she was monkey branching and her guilt or paranoia was checking if I had picked up on it. Subconsciously it probably had and that was why I felt depressed. Maybe if I hadn’t walked on eggshells and told her in the first place I was feeling down but I didn’t know why then things might have been different. At least it would or might have reassured her it wasn’t her. Ultimately though I think she would have left anyway for very unhealthy reasons I’ve mentioned elsewhere.

Just to clarify, I phrased this with an inaccuracy. X has in fact broken up with me many times in the past (and then not remembered/ acted like this never happened). when i say 'which we had not' here, I am referring to the relevant time period, i.e., we had explicitly agreed we were in a relationship, and nothing had been said or done since that moment, to renege on that.   

I apologise for being nitpicky and obsessed with precision, that's what gaslighting and instability does to you.

I'm curious.  You said she could come home for a day, and the day went pretty well.  So you let her stay a second day and it all fell apart.  I wonder if that alone explains what happened...she became so stressed the 2nd day over staying/leaving, it just all boiled over.

Your wife currently has emotional problems with you, so you'd see the brunt of her frustration.  These boundaries are also pretty new and it's perfectly normal for things to get worse before they get better; she's pushing back because she's used to being able to.  It's a transition period that nobody would handle well.

Why doesn't the mom receive the same treatment?  Because that's not new and mom's boundaries are established.  Also maybe because if mom kicks her out as well, there's nowhere left to go.  BPDs always have someone they're close to, and even though mom isn't ideal, that's what she has right now so she's making the best of it.  The relationship with mom lets her remain bitter with you...I'm guessing the opposite was true when you first got together.

It's also possible that your "firmness" could also be too strict for this transition.  Your boundaries should be based on her decisions...if she can't stop screaming, she can't stay.  That's fair and it's her choice.  But if she didn't lose it on day one and she was going to be kicked out anyway, that could cause a good bit of stress for anyone.

in terms of my personal circumstances, in general, i am quite precarious, have some cash flow problems, and am experiencing isolation. i also have a very solid set of projects which i can pursue on my own, which bring me joy, and a Buddhist spiritual practice.

thank you again for asking such insightful questions and keeping it real 

In terms of what I want - it's kind of hard to know because my sense of reality has been destabilised - how can you know what you want in the world when that world has been so shaken...

- there was a part of me that wants 'everything to go back to normal' i.e. the life we shared - which in some ways was very loving - to resume. however, it is integrating in my brain that some parts of that 'normal' - i.e., me being defined as 'horrible' for things that were actually 'normal bad', or the repeated, ongoing suicidal ideation placed on me with no attempt to get treatment or find other outlets - were not OK.   

- there is a fantasy part of me that wants things to be 'fixed'. what i would need to feel like 'fixing' is possible is as follows: i want X were to acknowledge, apologise and be accountable for the cheating, gaslighting and denigration he has enacted, and to enter formal mental health treatment.

if X were able to pursue that treatment and also to demonstrate an ability to be alone and to regulate their emotions, i would consider 'repair' of the relationship to be possible (though not certain). at a minimum, this would be demonstrated by X remaining/ making progress in treatment for one year, and also refraining from sexual and romantic relationships for the duration. This would go some way to demonstrating that X is able to regulate these actions, where he has been unable to in the past.

- The above is, of course, largely a fantasy. X has shown no interest in either accountability for his cheating or treatment for his mental health, though in previous situations he actually has shown great self awareness and accountability.

- If X does not commit to the above, I want to have nothing to do with him, though realistically we will continue to cross paths. I want to mourn the fantasy that has evaporated, and to heal.

If you're expecting a difficult conversation, your body shows it (whether you realize it or not) and your general demeanor will change.  BPDs sense these subtle changes and it could be the catalyst that starts the next argument without you realizing it.

Walking on Eggshells is trying to tiptoe around the problems at home, like if we pretend everything's fine, then it will turn out okay.  It often has the opposite effect though and it emboldens people with mental illness to lash out even more.

Think about it- if I yell at you about something and you don't reply, then everyone else is going to think your silence is admitting some type of fault or responsibility.  Hiding from the problem is a terrible strategy since it will only get worse in time.

With BPDs, it's a fine line between showing compassion and creating healthy boundaries.

Thank you for your kindness and your insight kells76. I'll respond to the factual questions first.

- Whether we are 'officially broken up' is confusing because of the back and forth described above. X declared that we had 'explicitly broken up' at some point in the past (which we had not), described me as cruel and demanded I move out. I left our shared space shortly after and have been living on couches for over a month (though still paying my half of the rent). Days after 'you are cruel'/ 'i want you to leave', X sent me a 'happy new year x' message, which I ignored, and in the weeks since, a few other messages   regarding household things which I have not responded to. Given his oscillating relationship with memory/ reality, it's not clear what exists in his head regarding what is 'official'.

- Our relationship was intense and our lives were extremely integrated on a day to day and logistical level.

- I have a couple of close friends and my own independent projects that are important to me. however, many friends/ connections are mutuals with X and we are brought into contact through shared activities.  the close friends are very precious and have been insightful and supportive, but mostly live in a different city.

My daughter is leaning heavily into the blame game with me her mom right now.  I just learned she is pregnant and I sent her my congratulations but she texted me today saying she is cutting me off. She has been upset with me for setting a boundary over the holidays where my husband and I had to cancel hosting Christmas. My husband was not well and my daighter and her sister were both emotionally abusive towards me while I was stressed taking care of my husband.  I was blamed for asking them for help and told I was a joke of a wife. My boundary was disregarded and I was blamed because my boundary was viewed as a punishment.  My daughter was diagnosed with BPD several years ago but after she moved across the country and lived on her own she seemed to thrive so I didn't think much about it because she was in therapy.  After reading some posts I am learning that smoking pot is not a good thing for BPD and she was also doing mushrooms as well.  She is also on ADHD meds which she did mention a while back that she would have to be off of them if she got pregnant.  If that is the case the pregnancy hormones, withdrawl from her meds explains why this has escalated to this.  I honestly believed that she was well because she had the emotional intelligence and taught me about boundaries but I think the boundaries she was setting were to keep me away.  I can see now how I was always having to apologize for her feelings.  Today I also realised she tried to cut off her mother in law last year and had a lot of rules around how her in laws are allowed to show up in her life. I am starting to see a pattern of behaviour here. As a mom I am struggling with next steps trying to figure out what i can do to help my daughter but she has told me that her husband does not know about her diagnosis and she didn't want me to tell my husband about it either. We are both deeply concerned for her especially now that she is pregnant.  It sounds like you have been going through a lot with your daughter and it's easy for self doubt to creep in as a mom and wonder if we did the right thing.  However, I believe you did the right thing leaving the call.  She will learn nothing if you allow her to rage at you.  My daughter won't have a relationship with me because I am not willing to say her hurt feelings are my fault.  Stay strong. My prayers are with you.

Thank you So very confused.  I just posted that she cut me off today.  This is so hard.Thank you for your support.  It's nice to know I am not alone.  So am I hurting her more by not being there for her?