Reading your update, what really hit me wasn’t just that he left, it was the way it happened.

You went from dropping your daughter off at school to coming home to an empty house and divorce papers at the door. That’s not just a separation, that’s a shock to the system. Anyone would feel knocked sideways by that.

I also hear how much you carried for a long time. Supporting him through recovery, trying to understand what he needed, even questioning yourself and wondering if you somehow caused this. That tells me you were invested and you were trying.

At the same time, the way this unfolded doesn’t look like two people working through something together. It looks like one person making a decision, stepping out of the relationship, and leaving the impact for the other person to absorb.

I want to say this gently, but clearly. When someone says they’re acting from a higher place, you would expect to see care, honesty, and accountability in how they handle something this serious. What you experienced was the opposite of that.

None of that makes you responsible for how this ended.

It makes sense that part of you still loves him and is trying to hold onto the history you built together. Twenty plus years doesn’t just disappear overnight. But it also sounds like another part of you is starting to stand up and say, “this isn’t okay,” especially with you getting legal support.

That part of you matters right now. A lot.

You’ve been left holding a lot all at once. The house, your child, the finances, and the emotional weight of how this happened. It’s a lot for one person. You don’t have to minimize that or carry blame on top of it.

If you feel up to sharing, how have these last few days been for you since everything happened?

I noticed that your wife's mother has not been supportive of the marriage, or you and your wife.  That's an indication that your spouse grew up in a possibly dysfunctional home.  Surely that has had an impact on her.  Though she has displayed some BPD traits, enough for a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) to notice, we are remote and cannot say whether she has BPD or not.  It's possible that due to the impact of her FOO (Family of Origin) that she may only have what are sometimes called "BPD fleas" picked up from her family environment and not her core issue.  Again, we just don't know.

Probably until you can be assured your marriage does have a solidly grounded future it would be better not to pursue having a baby at this time.  As much as babies are wonderful blessings, they can also add to the stress in a marriage, and your marriage is already under enough stress.

I think when one is dealing with someone dishonest or with a personality disorder, one needs to apply a little more rigor to their thinking.  So here, when he says or does something, or answers a question, understand that you need something objective to verify it's true.  You can't trust him and take his words at face value, no matter how trivial of a matter it is.

so for example, if he tells you that it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow?  Check the weather and take an umbrella.  He tells you it's your fault he overpaid the rent?  Call the landlord and make sure. 

As far as other things that don't have a physical consequence, just tell yourself "He said XYZ, but of course I have no way to know if that's true" before you jump to any conclusions.  Often times, you have to learn to be satisfied with no real answer, because there isn't any... like I said, the problems in the relationship, and his behavior was not due to anything you did or didn't do; you are or were dealing with someone who has a very different view of the world than you do. 

Sometimes he might very well be telling the truth, but you can never know, unless something else corroborates his words. 

Like I said above, you're trying to understand the thoughts and motivations of a disordered mind, and they may therefore not make any sense to those who are not disordered.  But it could be that he felt he needed to win your trust at that period of time, so he was on his best behavior.  pwBPD act according to what they perceive to be an advantage to them in the moment.

That saying about people behaving better when they're on camera applies to them.  When they know people are watching and forming opinions of them, pwBPD can be very charming and giving, and seemingly selfless.  When the cameras are "off" so to speak, the opposite is true. 

Sometimes here people describe this as the "Honeymoon" period in a relationship, when the BPDer assures the non-BPD partner that they're wonderful, the match was meant to be, they'll never love anyone like that again, etc.  And maybe it might be like that for 3 months, 6 months, a year, etc. but it's not the truth, it's what they feel they need to do in order to win the non-BPDer over.  Then the lies and abuse can start, leaving the non-BPDer wondering what they did wrong to upset the wonderful relationship they thought they had, and start to make efforts to appears the BPDer and win their affection again.

Welcome to BPD Family, a peer support site for those in relationships with persons with BPD traits (pwBPD), whether they be spouses, parents, sibling or children.  Sadly, Borderline PD behaviors are far more commonly encountered in our lives than our knowledge of what it is we're seeing.

There is a wide variety and depth to the practical wisdom we have at this site.  Feel free to browse the various boards.  We've been there, done that.  Learn from our experiences.  As you become more informed and educated, you will be able to make more confident decisions.  No one can or should tell you what to do... As peer support we teach, share and once you have a better grasp of what BPD aspects are impacting you and possible options, then your choices going forward are totally your decision.


I and numerous others have faced that quandary.  A divorce was unthinkable yet we were repeatedly faced with that or similar demands.  Or, was it really a demand?

First, ponder that the mental state of a person with Borderline traits is not the same as what you would consider 'normal' thinking.  Their perceptions, feelings and moods can dictate how they view themselves, you and the world, varying from one extreme to another, from moment to moment.  They are slanted toward more self-oriented actions, reactions and overreactions.  No wonder conflict arises because your perceptions and perspectives don't match your spouse's feelings and perceptions.

With that in mind, is your spouse really wanting a divorce?  Or is there a mismatch of communication?  Maybe she's frustrated that you don't see everything her way?  The problem, of course, arises that if you choose to appease her every time there is discord, that's not a solution.  So we encourage our new members to read and ponder the variety of approaches to conflict that can and does occur.  Feel free to ask questions.

Just one of many concepts is setting expectations of boundaries.  PwBPD are known to resist appropriate boundaries.  So therefore, we've found that Boundaries are - contrary to intuition - for us.  How so?  We can set boundaries by pondering how we should respond to poor behavior.  Does that make sense?  You can read more about boundaries and other communication tools and skills on our Tools & Skills workshops board.

Boundaries are just one among a multitude of tools, skills and strategies we advocate and explain here.  Please, let us know what else we can discuss with you.  We are here to help, not hinder.

...and 99.999 % of us give a resounding 'No'.  I was actually surprised to read in the forums that sometimes a BPD will apologise - though it's just words with no substance behind it. I stick to my opinion that they know exactly what they're doing far more than they would have us know.

Hotchip said ' The hardest thing is the shocking, horrible realisation the person I thought I knew simply didn't exist, or not in the way I thought they did. It was a flimsily assembled mirror of me in the relationship, which has fallen apart now the relationship is over'

When we finally realise this - and it is very hard to accept - an important milestone has been reached in the road to self-recovery; we didn't do anything to spoil this 'seems perfect for me' person, we were just beguiled by a very skilled and manipulative actor, regardless of how much of it was down to their illness or just plain temperament.

Best wishes.

Hi there,

I think that to someone with BPD, many things in life feel like trauma.  And when faced with "trauma," their reactions seem generally extreme, over-the-top and impulsive--they seem not to consider the longer-term consequences.  An example might be that a conversation about shared living expenses feels to them like exploitation, a break-up, betrayal, not caring, totally unfair.  Another example might be that perceived slowness in responding to a text might be considered rude, inattention, unloving--even if there's a plausible justification (you were very busy, driving or asleep at the time).  A pwBPD tends to go overboard with reactions; his response is not a proprotionate one.  He might get raging mad and threaten to break up with you, to try to get you to do his bidding.  He might stonewall you.  He might just yell at you until you relent and give him what he demands.  I think that deep down, he knows he's behaving poorly, which induces a deep shame.  So what does he do?  In his mind he distorts fact patterns, and creates a new version of events where YOU are blamed for whatever happened, so that he can feel better about himself and his behavior.

I guess I'm trying to say that his version of events can be highly distorted and self-serving, usually to blame-shift and avoid feelings of shame.  I think that lying isn't uncommon with BPD.  But with BPD, they can feel "justified" in twisting the truth, because their pain is too intense for them to handle.  It's almost like they look to the world to explain their pain, and they narrow in on perceived grievances while ignoring everything else that happened if it doesn't fit the traumatic victim narrative.  I think this is the black-and-white lens through which they interpret the world--they just don't see the whole picture, and they don't relate the entire story reliably, either.  I think that since they believe the narrative (typically a victim or blame-shifting narrative), they think they are justified, and it's not lying.  And here's the other thing--I think when deep down they know they're lying, they retreat in avoidance.  Avoidance is easier than taking responsibilility.  Over time, he may try to re-connect with you and pretend like nothing happened, hoping that you'll forget about the lie(s).  Sound familiar?  That's typical BPD in my experience.  I could ask the forum the question if the pwBPD in their life ever apologizes.  I think I know what the answer will be in most cases.

I generally agree that after having lived with someone diagnosed with BPD, and knowing someone with undiagnosed NPD, that I've probably grown to recognize some dysfunctional behaviors and patterns.  The thing is though, many BPD behaviors are normal human ones--fear of abandonment, blaming others, anger, feeling needy and self-centered, acting out when under stress, being impatient and impulsive, negative thinking, saying mean things that are regretable, thinking about suicide, questioning one's true identity.  By the same token, what I see with BPD is near-constant volatility in relationships and general dysfunction, not just in one aspect of life, but across multiple dimensions:  home life, work life (if any), romantic and platonic relationships, spending/economics, daily habits, etc.  I also see extremes--for example what usually wouldn't bother a healthy person very much or for very long, seems blown out of proportion to a person with BPD.  The frequency, intensity and duration of emotional reactions generally seem extreme in BPD.  Many aspects of their personality seem intense--the intensity of their emotions, the intensity of their responses, the intensity of their relationships, even the intensity of their thinking and language (perceiving things in all black or all white, but overwhelmingly in a negative light).  Many things seem exaggerated with them, including and especially their stories and explanations of their past.  For me, pwBPD seem to be constantly traumatized by life.  Relating with someone with BPD or NPD feels like emotional whiplash--not steady, reliable, predictable, dependable or safe.  For whatever reason, Katy Perry's lyrics for Hot n Cold just popped into my head when writing this.

Now I will say that I've encountered all sorts of high-conflict people, and some of the skills learned here have been really helpful in relating with them.

Hi hotchip,

There’s something in what you wrote that really stood out to me, especially the part where you wondered if the integrity you saw might have been a reflection of your own values.

That’s actually a really important shift.

One thing I’ve come to see is that it’s not necessarily about reducing someone to a label or a disorder. People are more complex than that. Someone can have real qualities, moments of integrity, even genuine care.

At the same time, when the patterns around truth, accountability, and consistency keep shifting, it becomes very hard to build something stable, no matter what qualities are there underneath.

I think that’s where a lot of the confusion comes from. In a healthy relationship, when something doesn’t make sense, you can usually talk it through and land somewhere consistent. In situations like this, the “rules” keep changing - what was true yesterday isn’t true today, and words and actions don’t line up long enough to hold onto.

So it makes sense that your mind keeps trying to reconcile it.

Over time, what helped me wasn’t trying to figure out who they “really” were underneath it all, but noticing what stayed consistent on my side:
- what I believed a relationship meant 
- how I showed up 
- what I was willing to tolerate, and eventually what I wasn’t 

The part you said about the good qualities possibly being yours… I think there’s a lot of truth in that. The capacity for integrity, care, and reflection didn’t disappear - it’s still with you.

And that can become a much more stable reference point than trying to make sense of someone else’s shifting reality.

It makes sense that you’re grieving. That realization about “the person you thought you knew” is a hard one, and a lot of people here recognize it.

You’re starting to separate what was yours from what wasn’t, and that’s not easy - but it’s a really important step forward.

If it's any help, my BPD ex-wife remarried (after an affair with said person and ending the marriage suddenly) and I almost don't recognize anything about her anymore.  It's like our life together just stopped existing and now she's into completely different music, different hobbies, different everything. 

It sounds like you've gone above and beyond to be the voice of reason in very unfair circumstances.  Good for you!  But at the same time, his true character has been revealed after he's cheated multiple times during multiple relationships...then blames the faithful partner. 

That's my story as well so I can relate, and several years later the one thing that still sticks with me is that I chose to take the high road.  I could have been just as ugly back then, but that's not who I was and I did not allow her betrayals to change who I am to today.  Like you, I tried to help and my efforts simply weren't enough. 

That's not a knock on me (or you) though and I've grown considerably because of the experience.  It's unfortunate we had to go through that, but there will be a time when you're thankful for it and you can see the relationship for what it was- caring for a mentally ill person the best you could.

PeteWitsend, thank you. This was important for me to hear:

"you continue to take his claims at face value, rather than assume that he may be lying, or stretching the truth in each case."

In fact, it now turns out he almost certainly cheated on me with the mutual friend, and lied to my face about it. A possibility I had previously excluded because surely he wouldn't do that.

I would love some tips on how to re-frame my perceptions so I simply do not expect truth or internal coherence in this issue.

Mutt, thank you again for your presence. The hardest thing is the shocking, horrible realisation the person I thought I knew simply didn't exist, or not in the way I thought they did. It was a flimsily assembled mirror of me in the relationship, which has fallen apart now the relationship is over.

Another thing I have realised is... I saw X act with integrity at various points during the relationship - during the relationship. And this is really important to me - doing what you say and saying what you do.

But before the relationship, and now after, he acted with quite a bit of non-integrity and inconsistency.

What if much of the integrity itself was... mirroring my values?

It's a frightening thought, but also maybe a comforting one. If the positive qualities were a reflection of my own actions and desires, then they remain with me now - I have not lost anything.