I've read your post several times and every time I tell myself this is exactly what I experienced, you wrote my story.  I don't write this often.  Married for years, one child, Christians in public, increasingly aggressive ranting and raging in private, she had a very dysfunctional, controlled and abused childhood, etc.  So nice at first but as she gradually fell apart I came to sense I'd saved her.  But I couldn't save her from herself.


Our most spiritual event of each year was in the Spring.  Our final year together I remember her so worried that we would be late - we weren't - so much so that when we arrived that evening, she leapt out, grabbed our toddler and stormed away exclaiming "I want a divorce!"  That was just one of a long series of shocks.

I suspect you will find that her childhood FOO (Family of Origin) was even more dysfunctional and unhealthy than you knew.  Likely she was more impacted by them than even she knew.  (That's how dysfunction can be passed from one generation to the next.)

Despite all my attempts, she refused to respond positively.  It was like she was trying to drive me away with all her outrageous extremes.  I accepted our changed reality when she started threatening she would disappear with our child and I'd never see him again.

Strangely, as much as I feared separation and divorce, when the marriage failed the divorce process turned out to be my most powerful resource.  She had long since lost all respect for me, not seeing me as having any authority whatsoever in the marriage, believing she could do whatever she wanted and I was powerless.  Divorce brought us to family court and there she encountered The Real Authority.  Though it was quite passive and reluctant to take obviously needed action, it did place structure and limits on our post-separation lives and parenting.  What we call Boundaries within our relationships are what court terms "orders".


I agree.  That is what all of us desired and still crave.  But the reality is that your spouse is currently on a doomed path, sabotaging the marriage.  You can't make her change course, only she can do that.  As is often said, it takes two working together to make a marriage succeed but only one to make it fail.

Unless things improve, you are probably approaching a time when the only option left is to choose to make (1) your welfare and (2) your child's welfare your top long-term priorities.

Sadly, set aside thoughts of having more children until you are solidly in a stable and loving relationship.  Having more children in a home full of discord and conflict won't make it all get better.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and honestly, it brought up many memories from my own marriage.

Like you, I knew something was "off" before we were even engaged.  I saw red flags and ignored them.  And for the next 23 years, I put my wife first in everything under the sun...even above our kids and other family members.  It was a huge mistake though because as a faithful Christian, I should have been putting God 1st.

You mentioned that you're both Christians, and I wanted to point out that a Christian marriage is two imperfect people submitting to God together to become one.  Biblically there are three exceptions for divorce- infidelity, abuse, or when a non-believer walks away.  Maybe one of those apply to you, maybe not, but my advice would be to continue praying and working with your pastor.  If you have a men's small group at your church, lean on your brothers and actually let them in.

As far as what to do immediately in your marriage, I think you've received some excellent advice already.  Create healthy boundaries and learn to communicate in a different way.  Your wife is feeling unappreciated and those insecurities make her unstable- her feelings simply spiral out of control. 

The stuff she complains about is like a symptom of the deeper, darker picture...mental illness and low self-worth is the actual problem.  The stuff you fight about is just a way to release pent-up mental energy, it doesn't actually mean anything and there's no purpose arguing over it.

My last piece of advice is to read 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 and how God calls you to love your wife.  The way you love is not dependent on anything she says or does, we're called to love unconditionally in a marriage because that's how God loves us.  Patience, kindness, slow to anger, forgiving all wrongs, etc...those are the traits you're called to in these impossible times.

And I heard you- it's impossible right now.  I do agree, it's impossible for you to do alone.  But you serve the God of impossible and He can do anything.  Like I said earlier, lean on your pastor and your brothers at church, you'll be amazed how far it can get you in this type of season.

I hope that helps!

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Living with someone with BPD can feel like living in a war zone and dealing with an emotional terrorist sometimes.  You might feel shell-shocked, like you have emotional whiplash.  You might wonder how you got here.  You love deeply, but the relationship seems one-sided, all take and no give, most of the time.  Generally it's destabilizing to you and the rest of your family.

On this site you'll find a community that can relate.  Sometimes, feeling alone might be the worst of all.  There might be some shame and confusion about how you actually got to this place, and let me tell you, it's not your fault.  BPD is not your fault.  I'm sure you'd like to "fix" your spouse's problems, wave a magic wand and whisk away all the pain, frustration, anger and unrealistic expectations in one swoop.  Alas, BPD does not work like that.  Only your spouse can do that, with therapy and a strong commitment to change, to learn to cope better with overwhelming emotions and feel better.  A main obstacle to that is a victim attitude--feeling constantly traumitized by life, while also believing that everyone else causes all her problems.  For as long as she feels like a victim (of you, of the world, of her circumstances), she thinks everyone else has to change, not her.

You mentioned that your wife hates where she lives, and she's pressuring you to give up your job and move someplace else.  I've heard that many times from the pwBPD in my life.  Her magical thinking believes that "starting fresh," someplace new and more exciting, will change her problems.  I'd say, that doesn't work, because the problems reside within her.  In addition, she expects OTHERS to make changes (and bear the costs and burdens) that she herself should be undertaking.  That's why on these boards, my advice is that, if she wants to move, then she should be the one to make it happen, not you.  My stock response to the question of living somewhere else is something along the lines of, "I can see why you're attracted to that location"--in other words, not shooting down her ideas, but also not jumping in to "fix" the issue du jour for her.  Chances are, she has no real intention of moving; she's just complaining and won't do anything about it.  She's also misattributing the source of discontent, which most certainly isn't her living situation.  That's on her, not you.  Do you see the difference?  I think the same sort of thing happens if she threatens divorce; I might respond with, "Well I don't want to divorce you because I love you" (provided that the statement is true).  Then the onus is on her to serve the papers.

As for suicide attempts, I think there should be a boundary there, especially as she is not merely talking about it but actually making gestures like putting a cord around her neck and getting physical.  My advice is that you should call 911, every time, and also try to record audio, too, so that she can't accuse YOU of "assaulting" her when help arrives.  With some luck she might get some psychiatric help.  Even if she doesn't, she should learn (eventually) to take suicidal gestures off the table.  I guess I'm saying that it seems you're dealing with an emotional terrorist, and at that point, you just don't negotiate with terrorists.  In a way, if you don't call 911, you're not "believing" her threat.  If you call 911, you're taking her seriously and validating her.  If she challenges you on this, in a calm moment, you might say, my Darling, I love you and don't want to see you hurt, so when you're threatening to kill yourself I think you're going to do it, and because I don't want to see you hurt, all can do is call 911 to get some help.

In the meantime, I'd emphasize focusing on self-care right now.  If you need a break, take it.  If you need some help, get it.  That might include therapy for you.  Look, you are your spouse's strongest ally, and you're no good to her if you're beat up,  completely frazzled and not like your usual self.  Once you understand that you are not to be blamed for BPD, it's easier not to take your wife's insults/accusations/demands so personally.

As for therapy for your wife, you can't force it.  She has to be "ready" for it, and sadly, she might have to hit bottom first.  Yet it sounds to me like she's getting close to hitting bottom, possibly from all the pressure of dealing with work and a young child.  With BPD, life in general can feel overwhelming, even without a regular job, a baby or a spouse to take care of.  It sounds to me like your wife is completely overwhelmed right now.

H Traveler80!  Welcome   I am so sorry you are going through what you are going through.  I completely understand, as I have been there.  I have not even "walked on eggshells", it was more like "tiptoed on eggshells".  My uBPDh and I have 5 children, 3 from past relationships (1 him and 2 me) and 2 children together.  Just about everything you have mentioned, I have been there.  We have gone through several individual therapists (where I assume, like you, that the "issues" talked about were always his work stress) which eventually he would stop after 3 or 4 sessions as "he didn't need therapy" and several couple's therapists which he would stop as "they always took my side" or "he was too busy to go", etc.  Things just continued to get worse and  about a year + ago, 911 was called on my uBPDh.  Things have not been easy, but both of us have been forced to see that what was happening, on both sides, was not working.  For me, I have had to realize that the only thing that I can change is me.  While that sounds like an easy concept, it is not, as it leaves me with the fact that the only person who can change my H is my H.  That is the fist thing that I had to accept, I can only control me.  But with that said, I get to control me and my H does not.  That means that if we need groceries, I can go to the store to get them (I know that I am going to the store, not out to have an affair); if one of my kids needs an article of clothing, I can buy it for them (money can get spent on all of the kids, not just his); if one of my kids has a sports game, I can go watch them (I know that I am watching the game, not having an affair); when I am scheduled to work, I need to go to work (I know that I am working, not having an affair); when we have plans as a family and he backs out at the last second, I can still take the kids (the kids and I deserve to have a fun day despite my H freaking out, I am not having an affair); etc.  It took me a long time, I am talking years, to accept this fact.  The next step for me was removing myself and our children from the chaos when the crap hit the fan.  I had a therapist once tell me, when my H started in on me to say "the most loving thing I can do for you right now is to walk away", then to walk away.  It sounded great, but I couldn't get myself to do that, as I believed that I "had to be there for him".  But...that NEVER worked.  Until one day my H went into his divorce talk again.  I couldn't do it any longer, as I had heard it so many times before.  So I shut down and just continued on doing whatever I was doing...I think I was actually doing dishes.  He continued in on me, and I did not respond.  I didn't feel comfortable leaving the room, as I knew that would trigger him more, but I just did not respond.  He continued and continued some more, probably getting more agitated (while I can't completely remember, I believe that I told him that if he touched me, I would call 911 and I meant it)...until he finally went in his office and closed the door.  It took awhile but this became our new pattern, I refused to get into it whenever anything "crazy" was brought up.  I am human, so he did get to me a couple of times, but the majority of times I "walked away".  Today, he knows I will not respond if "he goes there" and thus it usually means he either won't go there, he ignores me giving me glaring looks instead of "going there" or he goes there and I "walk away" which usually leads to one more comment about me not responding and then he ignores me.  For us...or I should say me, that was the first 2 biggest steps I had to take.  They are not easy, but worth the try.  Know that your wife will not like it if/when you start to make changes to your life and it will usually lead to a bigger blow up (extinction burst), but if you keep with it, change is possible.  For us, that 911 call has literally saved our family (I had to follow through on the 'if you touch me I will call 911').  My uBPDh is in mandatory DV therapy and DBT therapy weekly.  That said, we still have hard times where I want to throw my hands up and scream...but instead I take the kids out for ice cream and to play at the park!  I have realized that those times are not mine to pick up for him, those times are for him to work through whatever is going on within himself, and while he is doing so, I will enjoy time with our kids because they deserve those happy times...and I will probably take an extra long hot shower at the end of the day, to decompress, cry and wish things were easier!  No pressure to try anything, what I mentioned above has literally changed my family's lives, but I will say it has not been easy and has def come with lots of ups and downs.         

Most people who arrive here also had no inkling what they were dealing with.  Although there is therapy for BPD, it requires years of diligent application in life and perceptions.  The problem is that many have extreme levels of Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.


There is an acronym mentioned when discussing BPD... F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I will speak here about the Obligation aspect.  As bad as it was before marriage, many report it got worse after events that made the other feel you had become more "obligated" to the relationship.  Ponder how (1) getting married and (2) having children increased that perception and thereby increased the risk that the other would more freely let out their inner turmoil.


Frankly, moving would not 'fix' her core issues.  The problem is not the location of your residence.  Nor is it your job, her job, the coworkers, the neighbors, whether it is sunny or rainy, etc.  Yet the hardest thing for the other to do is to look inside one's self and honestly deal with the insecurities, stresses and distresses.

How receptive would your spouse be to starting counseling or therapy sessions?  She may not be receptive to that idea but just maybe if you present it as her joining you and doing it together with many sessions separately for individual focus... maybe...

This peer support site is intended for those in relationships with people with BPD.  However, those with BPD shouldn't come here since they could be easily triggered into overreactions and trigger even more discord in the home by the information and discussions here.

You can feel free to browse, learn and ask.  Do take advantage of the wealth of collective wisdom accumulated here over the years here and discover many time-tested tools, communication skills and practical strategies here.

Reading your update, what really hit me wasn’t just that he left, it was the way it happened.

You went from dropping your daughter off at school to coming home to an empty house and divorce papers at the door. That’s not just a separation, that’s a shock to the system. Anyone would feel knocked sideways by that.

I also hear how much you carried for a long time. Supporting him through recovery, trying to understand what he needed, even questioning yourself and wondering if you somehow caused this. That tells me you were invested and you were trying.

At the same time, the way this unfolded doesn’t look like two people working through something together. It looks like one person making a decision, stepping out of the relationship, and leaving the impact for the other person to absorb.

I want to say this gently, but clearly. When someone says they’re acting from a higher place, you would expect to see care, honesty, and accountability in how they handle something this serious. What you experienced was the opposite of that.

None of that makes you responsible for how this ended.

It makes sense that part of you still loves him and is trying to hold onto the history you built together. Twenty plus years doesn’t just disappear overnight. But it also sounds like another part of you is starting to stand up and say, “this isn’t okay,” especially with you getting legal support.

That part of you matters right now. A lot.

You’ve been left holding a lot all at once. The house, your child, the finances, and the emotional weight of how this happened. It’s a lot for one person. You don’t have to minimize that or carry blame on top of it.

If you feel up to sharing, how have these last few days been for you since everything happened?

I noticed that your wife's mother has not been supportive of the marriage, or you and your wife.  That's an indication that your spouse grew up in a possibly dysfunctional home.  Surely that has had an impact on her.  Though she has displayed some BPD traits, enough for a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) to notice, we are remote and cannot say whether she has BPD or not.  It's possible that due to the impact of her FOO (Family of Origin) that she may only have what are sometimes called "BPD fleas" picked up from her family environment and not her core issue.  Again, we just don't know.

Probably until you can be assured your marriage does have a solidly grounded future it would be better not to pursue having a baby at this time.  As much as babies are wonderful blessings, they can also add to the stress in a marriage, and your marriage is already under enough stress.

I think when one is dealing with someone dishonest or with a personality disorder, one needs to apply a little more rigor to their thinking.  So here, when he says or does something, or answers a question, understand that you need something objective to verify it's true.  You can't trust him and take his words at face value, no matter how trivial of a matter it is.

so for example, if he tells you that it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow?  Check the weather and take an umbrella.  He tells you it's your fault he overpaid the rent?  Call the landlord and make sure. 

As far as other things that don't have a physical consequence, just tell yourself "He said XYZ, but of course I have no way to know if that's true" before you jump to any conclusions.  Often times, you have to learn to be satisfied with no real answer, because there isn't any... like I said, the problems in the relationship, and his behavior was not due to anything you did or didn't do; you are or were dealing with someone who has a very different view of the world than you do. 

Sometimes he might very well be telling the truth, but you can never know, unless something else corroborates his words. 

Like I said above, you're trying to understand the thoughts and motivations of a disordered mind, and they may therefore not make any sense to those who are not disordered.  But it could be that he felt he needed to win your trust at that period of time, so he was on his best behavior.  pwBPD act according to what they perceive to be an advantage to them in the moment.

That saying about people behaving better when they're on camera applies to them.  When they know people are watching and forming opinions of them, pwBPD can be very charming and giving, and seemingly selfless.  When the cameras are "off" so to speak, the opposite is true. 

Sometimes here people describe this as the "Honeymoon" period in a relationship, when the BPDer assures the non-BPD partner that they're wonderful, the match was meant to be, they'll never love anyone like that again, etc.  And maybe it might be like that for 3 months, 6 months, a year, etc. but it's not the truth, it's what they feel they need to do in order to win the non-BPDer over.  Then the lies and abuse can start, leaving the non-BPDer wondering what they did wrong to upset the wonderful relationship they thought they had, and start to make efforts to appears the BPDer and win their affection again.

Welcome to BPD Family, a peer support site for those in relationships with persons with BPD traits (pwBPD), whether they be spouses, parents, sibling or children.  Sadly, Borderline PD behaviors are far more commonly encountered in our lives than our knowledge of what it is we're seeing.

There is a wide variety and depth to the practical wisdom we have at this site.  Feel free to browse the various boards.  We've been there, done that.  Learn from our experiences.  As you become more informed and educated, you will be able to make more confident decisions.  No one can or should tell you what to do... As peer support we teach, share and once you have a better grasp of what BPD aspects are impacting you and possible options, then your choices going forward are totally your decision.


I and numerous others have faced that quandary.  A divorce was unthinkable yet we were repeatedly faced with that or similar demands.  Or, was it really a demand?

First, ponder that the mental state of a person with Borderline traits is not the same as what you would consider 'normal' thinking.  Their perceptions, feelings and moods can dictate how they view themselves, you and the world, varying from one extreme to another, from moment to moment.  They are slanted toward more self-oriented actions, reactions and overreactions.  No wonder conflict arises because your perceptions and perspectives don't match your spouse's feelings and perceptions.

With that in mind, is your spouse really wanting a divorce?  Or is there a mismatch of communication?  Maybe she's frustrated that you don't see everything her way?  The problem, of course, arises that if you choose to appease her every time there is discord, that's not a solution.  So we encourage our new members to read and ponder the variety of approaches to conflict that can and does occur.  Feel free to ask questions.

Just one of many concepts is setting expectations of boundaries.  PwBPD are known to resist appropriate boundaries.  So therefore, we've found that Boundaries are - contrary to intuition - for us.  How so?  We can set boundaries by pondering how we should respond to poor behavior.  Does that make sense?  You can read more about boundaries and other communication tools and skills on our Tools & Skills workshops board.

Boundaries are just one among a multitude of tools, skills and strategies we advocate and explain here.  Please, let us know what else we can discuss with you.  We are here to help, not hinder.

...and 99.999 % of us give a resounding 'No'.  I was actually surprised to read in the forums that sometimes a BPD will apologise - though it's just words with no substance behind it. I stick to my opinion that they know exactly what they're doing far more than they would have us know.

Hotchip said ' The hardest thing is the shocking, horrible realisation the person I thought I knew simply didn't exist, or not in the way I thought they did. It was a flimsily assembled mirror of me in the relationship, which has fallen apart now the relationship is over'

When we finally realise this - and it is very hard to accept - an important milestone has been reached in the road to self-recovery; we didn't do anything to spoil this 'seems perfect for me' person, we were just beguiled by a very skilled and manipulative actor, regardless of how much of it was down to their illness or just plain temperament.

Best wishes.