Hi HereForTheLove,

I was thinking about your post and wanted to check in. I noticed it’s been a little while since you were last here (back in January), and I just wanted to say you’ve been on my mind.

What you shared about living with that constant fear of things turning quickly… that really sticks with you. It’s not something people understand unless they’ve lived it. That kind of tension can wear you down over time.

I’m really glad you took the step to set up therapy for yourself. Even if the therapist isn’t specialized in BPD, having a space that’s focused on you and your well-being can make a big difference.

If you feel up to it, how have things been going since you last posted?

No pressure to respond, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this.

Hi there. I'm new and would really appreciate some help.

Some background context: I've been with my BPD partner for 1,5 years.

Early on (February 2025) in our relationship, I found out he cheated on me with escorts, because he gave me a (thankfully curable) STI. I was set to leave, but he took responsibility, was committed to making everything right, and I recognized that his acting out was because of addiction (alcohol - drugs - sex).

Since February 2025 he has been sober. Since June we started couple's therapy. Since August he started supporting me financially, started seeing a sex therapist (that I found), started the 12 step program (that I insisted on), and began doing the work to understand his addiction better. It was not all easy for me, because although he began work on himself, he still could not manage with my emotions after the betrayal. He would try his best to be there for me, but almost always spiraled into shame. Then into self-harm. It was so exhausting and so scary, because he reminded me of the violent father I had growing up. I felt like I had to fight for him to sit with my feelings, it's like my betrayal trauma became secondary to the insane amount of emotions he was feeling about himself.

After months of this cycle, it became worse and worse - I would result to verbal abuse (which I have never done in my life), and he would further spiral, self harm, and contemplate suicide. It got so regular and so bad, that his therapist, our therapist, and even my therapist said he needed rehab. He bumped up his health insurance, but always found an excuse why he can't do it now.

The past month: During one of couple's therapy sessions, our therapist, after hearing how I've witnessed yet another of my partner's self-harm collapses, said: "Where are your boundaries? You have to call the police next time this happens". So I did. And that is also the moment, where everything flipped.

He got admitted for half a day, got evaluated, his sister, who knew of what was happening between us (I encouraged him to tell her early on) and whom he often called during our "cycles" to save him, was also there. The atmosphere was tense.It became clear, that something needs to change. That day, he did not come home and decided to stay at his sister's. The next day, he decided to stay at his parent's. He suggested we don't talk a lot. I actually thought that was a good idea, that it was very-very healthy, and that we both needed a break. However, several days later during our couple's therapy session, it became clear what as happening.

He came into the session with a recording (we have a web-cam running non-stop for our dog + security) of the fight we had, the one where I would call the police, and said: "The reason I was admitted in the hospital and the reason I was/am self-harming is because littlesolaris is an abuser". I 100% acknowledged that what he said was valid, I did say A LOT of nasty things to him during this fight and the ones before, I apologized, and I committed to working on my trauma, and to heal this wounded part of me. However, the timeline of that accusation is just bluntly wrong! I felt like I was living through a second betrayal. My partner who was so devoted to me and devoted to making it all work, reframed me as the villain and cut back on a lot of commitments he made prior, citing they were "made under duress".

For the first several months of his dysregulation (following February 2025), he would self-harm (or throw things around, punch walls, break things) independently of my voice/tone/or even the things that I said. I would even often times soothe him and reassure him, while shoving my desire to get clarity about the affairs he had. This continued for MONTHS. My understanding is that at some point my nervous system had enough and had to discharge all the pain I was carrying. This does not excuse my actions, though it does help maintain a sense of reality of what came first, and I absolutely knew, that I did not enter the relationship being abusive.

What is happening now: He's been living with his folks for the past 3 weeks. We've been mostly minimal contact. As part of our agreement post betrayal (as agreed in therapy), he was supposed to keep his devices accessible to me, though he decided to wipe them remotely without telling me, he justified it as "I need to be able to talk freely with my support people". Mind, I NEVER went into his private messages, though having the devices available provided reassurance. On another example, when we do talk about logistics or things that require collaboration, he lashes out. He thinks I am here to fight him. I called him A week ago after a miscommunication happened and he started the call with: "Let's go, let's do this!", like he was preparing to have some sort of battle with me? 4 days ago, when he dropped off our dog, he had a mental breakdown when I asked him to send me the therapeutic separation document we started working on. He said his therapist told him not to do that, so he won't. This was a last-minute change from what we agreed upon and it sabotaged my own therapy session during that day. That was a wake up call for me.

The next day (March the 18th, 2026) we had a couple's therapy session, during which we were supposed to go through the therapeutic separation document (the one I was meant to discuss with my therapist prior). I ended up reading a letter I wrote after having a call with my therapist, who was alarmed that his state began influencing my needs and my own recovery, and who advised me to stop couples therapy, until there is more structure from his side, including him going into rehab. I said that the episodes during the past several days greatly destabilized me, and proved to me, that collaboration at this point is impossible. Therefore, I am making the decision to stop working on the relationship, I'm pausing the situation completely, and I am taking one week of no contact to regulate, because I've noticed the time apart actually helped me soothe my nervous system, whereas for him, it seemed to have done the opposite. He accepted my conditions, but he was very angry throughout the call. "This was a very revealing call", he said.

My question: does anyone else have experience with a partner flipping like this? I am constantly doubting my reality. I feel like I am going insane and I cannot recognize the person I was with for the past year. The only reason I decided to give this relationship a go, and continue being with him, was because he was remorseful and trying his best to do the right things for him and for me. And now everything has flipped. He's the victim, I'm the villain. He even mentioned that I should go to rehab! And went as far as calling me an addict! Massive projection happening.

I'm wanting to extend the no contact as long as possible, and I intend to do my absolute best, although it's insanely hard because despite all this I miss him greatly, to honor my boundary of not continuing the relationship before I have a rehab starting date, or him actually being there. We live together, we have a dog, and finding a new apartment is going to be both incredibly inconvenient, as well as not cheap.

If anybody can offer me any advice or input, I would be very grateful. I feel so very lost.

Hi Max, I was thinking about your thread and wanted to check in. You were carrying a lot here, especially with the kids and everything feeling so stuck. How have things been going since then?

Hi lisaea1523,

Welcome to the family. I’m really glad you found your way here, even if it’s under such heavy circumstances.

What you described really stood out to me, especially that feeling of just sitting in the same space together in silence, not knowing what’s coming next. Not knowing if things are going to move toward repair, fall apart, or just stay stuck in that limbo can really wear you down over time.

I used to think of it like the emotional ground is always shifting under your feet. With someone who has those kinds of intense emotional patterns, feelings can change so quickly they almost feel like quicksilver. Just when you think you understand where things are at, it moves again. It makes it really hard to feel steady.

And having a 10-week-old on top of all this… that’s a lot. I remember those early stages with kids, and even in stable situations it can be exhausting. When you add in tension and unpredictability in the home, it doesn’t just add stress, it amplifies everything. It makes it harder to think clearly, harder to reset, harder to breathe.

It also makes a lot of sense that boundaries feel easier with others but much harder with him. Especially when it feels like you’re having to come back and hold the same line over and over again. That feeling of “we’re back here again… really?” can get exhausting fast.

And when you’re already drained, even small things can start to feel monumental. It’s not that you don’t know what to do, it’s just that the energy to do it isn’t always there in the moment.

One thing I did notice is that you’re already seeing a lot of what’s going on. You’re noticing how much his emotions affect yours, and that something needs to shift. That kind of awareness matters.

You’ve also already taken some solid steps with seeing a doctor and getting on a waitlist for therapy, especially with everything else going on right now.

If you feel up to it, how have things been since you last posted? Has anything shifted at all, even a little bit?

Hi Princess Ruth,

Just wanted to check in and see how things have been going for you since your last posts.

You were trying to make sense of something that shifted really quickly, and that kind of change can leave a lot of questions behind - especially when things felt good just before.

If you feel up to it, we’d be glad to hear how things have been going on your side.

And if you’ve just needed some space or time to process, that’s completely understandable too - just didn’t want your thread to go quiet without someone reaching out.

Hi BeagleDad1,

Just wanted to check in and see how you’ve been doing since your last post.

You shared a lot, and sometimes after putting something like that out there, things can get busy or just hard to come back to.

If you feel up to it, we’d be glad to hear how things have been going.

And if not, that’s completely okay too - just didn’t want your post to sit here without someone reaching out.

After a half century of living as she has been living, your attempts - and some counseling attempts - in the past having failed, - it is probably unlikely your spouse will work toward improving her mental health.  It could happen but you can't rely on that outcome.

If you should choose to divorce, it will be mostly about financial and property issues, mostly assets and debts/loans.  Of course your spouse will try to sabotage and make it far more complicated than necessary.

If she hasn't worked in recent years, she may claim poverty and want you to pay her lawyers' bills.  What seems to work best for most of us is that each spouse's lawyer bills are paid from what is left after the finances are split.  What is the difference?  If you agree to pay her bills, she would feel there no limit to what her lawyers can bill.  However, if she knows her lawyer will be paid from what she receives at the end of the divorce, she may realize she is paying them, they would be taking from her money, what she gets from the divorce.  She wouldn't mind spending your money, but if it's her money...

Since your youngest daughter is nearly an adult, any custody and parenting issues ought to be quite short term.  The remaining concern might be how support is structured during the college years.  For example, what if you agree to pay her housing during university but she chooses to live with her mother?

Do you have concerns for your daughters?  Since they've grown up in a somewhat dysfunctional home, do they truly know deep inside what normalcy really is, are they prepared for life and choosing healthy relationships?  I ask because the examples at home were of an unpredictable parent and an appeasing parent.  There is a risk that they may feel - unconsciously - inclined to respond to someone like their mother's example or someone like their father's example.

If there is a divorce, how would they react?  Would they side with mother, father, or be able to discern what was unhealthy/dysfunctional?  If they haven't had counseling, that would be something highly recommended for them.  Their mother hasn't responded much over the years, but there ought to be hope for the children.

P.S.

Since you posted on the "conflicted" board, it appeared that you are considering whether or not to try to make the relationship work.  However if you're committed to separating, I'd offer some advice, based on experiences in my family trying to "negotiate" with a spouse with a personality disorder.  In short, my advice is, you have to expect non-cooperation.  If your spouse was unreasonable and unhelpful in the past, divorce will only make things worse.  "Normal" people can negotiate in good faith, and while they'll try to get a good deal, I think they generally fulfill their obligations once an agreement has been reached.  In addition, for "normal" people, I think it's realistic to reach some sort of agreement in a timely manner, because both parties want to move on.  But with BPD or NPD in the mix, I think it's unlikely that the spouse will agree to anything reasonable, let alone negotiate in good faith.  I bet you've heard a million excuses as to why your spouse won't help with housework, won't pay bills, won't play fair, won't do anything she doesn't want to do, right?  And if you force her to do something she doesn't want to do, she punishes you dearly, correct?  I bet you've experienced a million unfulfilled promises and been blamed for it, too.  In a divorce scenario, I think the best bet is that she'll only get worse.

A real-life example of a divorce decree in my family involves the marital home (the principal marital asset), which was supposed to be sold, and the home equity split between the parties.  The disordered spouse (who had been living alone in the marital home during the pendancy of divorce negotiations over five years) has refused to move out his belongings and prepare the home for sale for a year after the decree.  Please note that it took five years to have the courts decide the terms, rather than settle before going to court, as is the case in "normal" separations!  Now we're in the spring market, and he still hasn't prepared the home for sale, i.e. moving out his belongings to the apartment where he has been staying since the divorce decree.  Furthermore, the cost of getting the courts to enforce the terms of the settlement is high, in addition to extremely slow.  Another example is paying child support.  Since the disordered spouse is unemployed (of course), there are no wages to garnish, and he is perpetually months late in paying child support.  He has a million excuses, such as losing his bank information, not understanding how to transfer money online, losing his password, forgetting what day it is, not being told what the amount is, etc.  That's what I mean by expecting non-compliance.  Any terms of separation need to assume non-cooperation from your spouse.  Does that make sense?

Hi there,

What jumps out at me in your post is your wife's blow-ups during holiday get-togethers.  That right there has BPD written all over it.  I've noticed on these boards that holidays, family reunions and other joyous occasions such as weddings are typically the backdrop for major BPD meltdowns.  I think it's because stress and unmet expectations are huge triggers for pwBPD.  I also think that it's extremely difficult for a pwBPD to be happy for other people, when they are not happy themselves.  Seeing other happy people induces feelings of jealousy, alienation, inferiority, being slighted, not being the center of attention, whatever.  Cue the meltdown.

Another clue is the that your wife spends inordinate time in bed, and yet she can "pull herself together" when she wants to, especially for fun trips.  My adult BPD stepdaughter will do the exact same thing.  Does she complain of aches and pains whenever there's work to do, but she's magically cured whenever there's an opportunity do something fun later in the day?  Classic.  One thing I notice with BPD is over-sensitivity to minor ailments and very little distress tolerance.  Minor things like waking up in the morning appear to be major ordeals for pwBPD, EXCEPT when there's something they want to do.  Then getting out of bed is a non-issue.  I suspect that when they have nothing better to think about, they retreat in a negative thinking loop (I'm so TIRED, life is so HARD, my body HURTS, I can't DO this, I don't WANT to, it's UNFAIR, etc.).  And then the pernicious BPD twisted thinking takes over (my family is toxic, I'm traumatized, life is hopeless, I have no future, I can't take this anymore).  Ergo, they stay in bed, and it's actually fun, because they have phones to entertain them, and they get out of working.  The grand irony is that pwBPD RESENT their family for making them feel so dependent.  They hate you while holding out their hand for more money/support.  To me, that is 100% BPD.  Sure, a physical ailment can make somebody irritable, moody, perhaps unable to take on some responsibilities.  But hating and blaming people who go above and beyond to help?  That sounds like BPD to me.

The other clue to BPD in my opinion is an unstable identity.  Now I might be reading too much into your post, but I've noticed that "trying out" new identies has been a feature of the pwBPD in my life.  One month she announces she's an artist.  Another month she'll change her looks (e.g. dying her hair and buying new styles of clothes).  Another month she wants to pursue a new career.  Of course, all these things are normal, but it's just that with BPD, I think the "idea" of a new identity is more attractive than the implementation.  She'll glorify the positive aspects while underestimating the work behind it.  The second she starts the work, she realizes her vision isn't what it's cracked up to be.  She tends to quit as soon as she encounters an obstacle, and she tends to be devastated because she can't achieve the idealized identity she envisioned for herself, and then she gets depressed because she can't figure out who she is.  This is hard to explain, but my point is, she seems to have a lot of identity confusion.  She's full of aspirational intentions (some narcissistic and others "delusional"), but fails on the execution, seemingly over and over again.  Does that ring any bells?  That has been a feature of the pwBPD in my life.

Look, BPD is treatable, provided that your spouse is committed to therapy and wants to make hard changes to feel better.  But since it appears your wife has had a lifetime of untreated BPD, I'm not sure if she's well-placed to learn better social-emotional  skills.  And she probably "likes" alternative diagnoses, as they are excuses to maintain the status quo.  She's probably content enough with her situation, which obviates the need to get therapy.  On these boards you might see that pwBPD typically need to "hit bottom" before they decide to get professional help and take therapy seriously.

I guess the summary is that if your wife isn't ready to change, the only person who can change is you.  On these boards you'll find all sorts of tips, which start with self-care and boundaries.

All the best to you.

So, I really appreciate so many of your insights and have been carrying them with me.

I just wanted to quickly log in and say yes, he did cheat with the mutual friend who he is now dating. The mutual friend is also a colleague, and both of them have been concealing this from me while mutual friend works closely with me and controls some of my access to resources, including items removed from the house I previously shared with X.

It's pretty hilarious. It has also absolutely cured me of any idea that it was my 'fault' for not saving the relationship, or that I might have wanted to. Such depths of non-integrity are totally undesirable. They are also unrecognisable in the person who I thought I knew.

Quotes from this thread which have been shockingly accurate:

"we didn't do anything to spoil this 'seems perfect for me' person, we were just beguiled by a very skilled and manipulative actor"

"you're trying to understand the thoughts and motivations of a disordered mind, and they may therefore not make any sense to those who are not disordered."

"his version of events can be highly distorted and self-serving, usually to blame-shift and avoid feelings of shame. "

" when he says or does something, or answers a question, understand that you need something objective to verify it's true."
 
"it was nothing you did, and nothing you could have done to change the end result"

And now it's time to turn myself to Mutt's wise remarks:

"Over time, what helped me wasn’t trying to figure out who they “really” were underneath it all, but noticing what stayed consistent on my side:
- what I believed a relationship meant
- how I showed up
- what I was willing to tolerate, and eventually what I wasn’t"

I believed the relationship meant a shared commitment to work together to uplift shared values, and each other. Not just the personal relationship, but the supposed values X and I shared have been utterly violated and trashed. I am not willing to tolerate that, now or ever.