"I put my ex's inital mood swings down to her saying that previous partners hadn't treated her well so I made allowances." - If that isn't one of the most common themes around these boards....

You want to believe your partner and so you overlook things. They sense you buy in and use your ego and arrogance of believing you are the better option and partner than previous partners to draw you in.

This is why I do say for those who do get crushed to not take it so personally even though that is much easier said than done. In a sense there is a solace in knowing that you are not only one to get hurt or to have faced such dramatic and traumatic experiences with that partner. Unfortunately...the way to look at is being a character in a role playing game and you play a side character who fills a role at a certain time and then the party continues to move on after your arc.

Just some food for thought...

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Of course, listen to your gut if at all possible.  My son's therapy started before he was 4, I joined when he was 6 until he "graduated" about age 12.  Not once did my ex and I go together.

My son's counselor rarely shared observations about the play therapy.  Focus is on the child, it's not meant to be parent bashing, though some comments may be necessary for clarity of major issues.

Hi, this is first time I have written on any forum like this.
My mum passed away just over a week ago. She was diagnosed with bpd 6 years ago, but i suspected for years. My younger sister was hospitalised after several suicide attempts when she was 16, and was then diagnosed with bpd. She has refused to speak to mum mum for the last 17 years.
Both myself and older sister have been in an out of contact with mum all adult life.
Mum died in ICU after being put into a coma with pneumonia and then having a stroke, she turned 58 while in ICU.
Me and big sister where with her.

Feeling so many different emotions, but one that is coming through strongest is rage and anger.
All 3 of us have been disinherited, and one of the executors of the will is my sisters abusive ex husband.

I guess the point of this thread is to find out if anyone has experienced anything like this with bpd parents and their wills.
Is there any case for contesting the will on mental capacity.
Any advice as to how to start to mental process this all. Feel like a wreck, and failing my daughters as I can't seem to function properly.

PS:

Sometimes I escape to our lovely public library. You could say, I have to return a book/video to the library, and it would be true!  Bring along some reading, sort through bills, answer some emails (I often work offline and then send emails when I get home). Or you could curl up with a magazine or newspaper, or just browse. Maybe you listen to some music on your headphones. It doesn’t cost money to do this, and you might enjoy the break

https://perspectiveontrauma.com/2021/08/05/the-bridge-friedmans-fables/


I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you. I hope this story will help.

Gerda, thank you.

BTW, I’m don’t know how my husband can talk for so long either. If there is a point to anything he’s saying, he either makes it 10 million times over, or he NEVER makes it, which is his excuse for going round and round. It’s extremely difficult to endure. 

I done with it.  I’m going to start excusing myself and walking away. 

Thanks again. 

Hi again,

I love the idea of positive feedback.  I know that when the loved one with BPD was living with me, I was constantly, actively looking for things to praise.  Alas, some days there was precious little to praise, because she'd hide in her room.  But if she got up and got dressed, I'd say, you look really nice today.  Since she was obsessive about her looks, that went a long way.  If she helped pick up a napkin off the floor, I'd say, thank you for noticing and being helpful!  Nothing is too small for praise.

I have a close friend with a young adult son with some special needs--he was unable to finish conventional high school.  Of course, his confidence suffered, and at the same time, he was intensely jealous of his younger sister, for whom everything seemed easy.  He really struggled with the transition to adulthood and suffered a rough patch when he self-medicated with illicit substances.  But his mom provided all sorts of emotional support for him.  One thing she did was find a male therapist/life coach for her son.  She also found a life skills class for him, which he enjoyed and learned enormously from.  I'm not sure what the full course looked like, but I know it included useful things like how to plan and schedule a day, tactics for conflict resolution, self-care (basic meal planning, cooking, cleaning, basic hygiene, exercise, sleep routines), home maintenance, what's involved in job applications/finding a job, basic budgeting, stress management, important documents, etc.  I think part of the benefit of taking a course like that was knowing that there are other young men and women around who experience similar challenges with adulting but learn to overcome them!  In addition, this young man was able to try various jobs.  Though it took some time to the find jobs with the right fit, he did not give up (his mother wouldn't let him).  At first, he tried all sorts of part-time positions like working at Home Depot, working as a stage hand at events, making deliveries and working at a warehouse.  The physical nature of the jobs was a challenge at first, but he built some muscle, which really boosted his confidence.  Then he joined a gym and got into the routine of working out.  A key aspect was making friendships on the job and at the gym, which got easier for him with repeated, low-stakes encounters.  Initially, his mom controlled his paycheck, and she made sure he deposited at least half of it into a savings account for as long as he lived at his mom's home.  In a couple of years, everyone was surprised by how much he had managed to save.  Soon enough, he felt the urge to move out on his own (he would have been in his early 20s).  He found an ideal situation, renting with three other guy friends of his.  With his savings, he was able to afford to move out.  Fortunately, he didn't move far away, and he was able to visit the parental home frequently to check in, do laundry and enjoy a family dinner.  All around, it was a huge success story.  This was a guy with learning disabilities/ADHD?/mild autism/emotional dysregulation issues who went from being holed up in his bedroom smoking pot, playing video games and punching holes in the wall, to someone who progressed to near full-time employment and semi-independent living in around three or four years.  Based on what I know, I think a critical first step was finding the right male therapist.  In addition, in the area he lived, I don't think there was any negative stigma doing manual labor or belonging to a union.  All jobs are worthwhile in my opinion.  The key is to find a job that best suits a person's natural talents and interests.  For this young man, I think a job provided all sorts of benefits, from the routine, to providing an identity, purpose, and regular social connections, and of course some money.

CC43,
Thanks so much for sharing.

I definitely need to walk away. I can neither be a dump, nor a (verbal) punching bag.  It’s too much.   

If I excuse myself, I’m less likely to get frustrated.  I think this is the only way to handle it.  We are both seniors on fixed incomes, so I can’t afford to leave.

I’m thankful that he doesn’t do this all the time.  On the other hand, I think he does it at least once a day, so I guess that’s a lot.

It’s upward and onward for me. It’s not easy, but  I refuse to let him break me. 

Thanks again.

Zachira and NW,

I think you are right.  All very helpful suggestions.  Thank you

Zachira and I are thinking similarly. One of the reasons BPD mother prolonged downsizing is because of the attention involved. She wanted to go through each indvidual item, talk about it, decide if she wants to keep it or not, then decide if she'd let you have it, and then maybe change her mind.

So to Zachira's point- moving takes time and if you are there with your mother doing the move- that is time and attention and so she could potentially prolong it. By waiting until after she has moved, and having some friends spend time with her while you move, it may work better than trying to combine two emotional events ( it's an adjustment for anyone, so also difficult for pwBPD) at a similar time.