Hi Mitt,

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot.  Having to deal with a child with undiagnosed BPD while in the military must have been rough.  And now, your wife has been seriously ill.  It does seem like your BPD daughter hasn't accepted you marrying someone else, though her own mom is still in the picture and it's been 15 years.  Alas, pwBPD tend to hold onto grudges as if their life depends on it.  That actually may be the case, because they've created a narrative--an entire identity--around being victimized by "toxic" family members and boyfriends.

I wish I could say that things might get better between you and your daughter, but right now it seems she's determined not to have a relationship with you.  That may be her very misguided way of "punishing" you for "abandoning" her and marrying someone else.  If you spend some time reading these boards, you'll see that it's common for pwBPD to withhold contact with grandkids, as a form of control and/or punishment.  You'll also see that abandonment is a key trigger for pwBPD.

I guess the bright side is that you can keep tabs on your daughter and grandson through other members of the family.  Maybe they would be able to sense if there were any thawing of her feelings towards you, and that would be an opening to a potential reconciliation.  I guess if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't write letters, but I probably would continue to send her holiday and birthday cards, just standard ones with the normal greetings, so that she knows you still think about her and "include" her.  But I wouldn't expect any reply until she's ready, and I wouldn't be surprised if she threw out the cards without even opening them.  As for your grandchild, your daughter has asked you not to send him anything, not even cards, so my inclination would be to respect her wishes.  Nevertheless, I might suggest that you think about writing letters to your grandson (and maybe seeding a college fund), but holding them aside until your grandson reaches adulthood.

I'd also mention that in my experience with pwBPD/NPD, an illness can be triggering for them.  I suppose that's because attention is temporarily diverted away from them, and they might feel "abandoned" again, as well as worried that time/resources/concern/attention are being diverted away from them.  It's also possible that, because they are highly emotionally reactive, they feed on any negative emotions associated with illness--the pain, the stress, the uncertainty--it's highly unsettling for everyone, but super-sized for them.

I'll wrap up by saying that BPD isn't your fault, no matter how much your daughter tries to convince you otherwise.  I think many parents on these boards feel tremendous guilt, along with despair and grief.  I think you can let go of the guilt part.

Regarding how my BPD daughter is doing now, I can only share what has been shared with me by her siblings and mother.

She has been seeing the same therapist for several years who basically suggests she remove herself from any negative relationship (rather than work on improving it). I believe she stays with this therapist because the therapist tells her what she wants to hear, not what she needs to hear.

She has been through several toxic relationships with men since her teenage years and has divorced once. She has attempted suicide several times, usually in response to some interaction with a boyfriend.

Any suggestion that she may be BPD or anything remotely close to mental illness is met with a very emotional and aggressive response.

That’s what has been shared with me and my perceptions on where she is mentally at this time.

The main issue that caused the estrangement was getting remarried. I have three adult children from my first marriage. Two of the three have accepted that I remarried. My BPD daughter has never accepted it.

For many years after remarriage she was willing to have a relationship with me as long as I did not mention my wife or her children. My current wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and  ended up getting a lumpectomy, radiation, and hormone therapy. She finished the treatments and appeared to be cancer free. Halfway through her treatment my BPD daughter stated she wished my wife had died… needless to say, our relationship suffered.

Four years ago, my therapist suggested that I write a letter to let her know I was willing to have a relationship but it would need to include recognition that I have a wife and would include her and her family in conversations when appropriate.

She took that as an ultimatum and ended our relationship (in a very ugly way).

I tried to continue sending birthday and holiday cards to my grandson (her child) for about six months and she informed me that he was not getting the cards because she was throwing them away and to stop sending cards.

About two years ago, my wife’s cancer returned and she ended up having a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy, and is currently on hormone therapy for another two or three years. I have not shared this with my BPD daughter (although I’m sure she knows) because her original desire for my wife to die still hurts deeply).

Despite the hurt, I recently reached out to her to let her know I was visiting her siblings and would like to see her and her son. She never responded but told her mother (my ex wife) that she had no desire to see me.

Hopefully this information answers the questions.asked.

I hope this helps you in some way: we are retired, but elderly now although I'm older than he by 5-1/2 yrs.

There's a way I've found to live with dbpdh as I'm unable to leave due to a trade-off I've made in my mind to avoid assisted living nor moving 1,000 miles away to my son's house. Incidentally, my son is mostly unaware-- he does see an impatient and very self-important father, but expresses concern for both of us as if he's had a good role model-- in regards to work ethic, yes, which my son has said. But, I've always been ready with a lie, too, like you.

If you can see yourself as emotionally separate from what you see every day, it helps. When h wants to act as if nothing happened and puts the ball in my court so to speak, I say things are not okay, without elaborating. "They just aren't." He can leave if he wants to, but I resist saying that. His mood will change anyway and this is not news to him.

The fear of abandonment you have is probably compounded by the way you're treated. Dbpdh had 10 yrs of therapy and was told to stop devaluing me, to no avail. I think both our therapists meant that him not giving me any credit was irrelevant. You deserve to feel good about the things you control that turn out well.

To feel better about myself, I go back in my mind to the last address I had on my own and what kind of person I was at that time when I wasn't afraid and saw myself managing uncertainty. It is still possible for you. If you need to protect your emotional health above the fear of abandonment, you can consider easer ways to live for yourself. The therapist I had for 4 yrs said to look at what you've already been through.

It is possible to let everyone think what they want to about you; you're very unhappy, and others will care even if they don't understand at first. As I was advised on this forum to realize adult children have been through things, and they don't need details. I still believe that advice, just in case, and you have the right to think about your own future. Sixty sounds young to me now.

dang, I said that too when I was 'controlling, insecure, emotionally/verbally abusive, toxic.'

If I am truly all of these things and my actions hurt you so badly, why are you with me because no one deserves that.

If someone could be all those things, that would be impressive.

Not  that you're looking for a fight or to escalate, but when I would start getting the laundry list of all the ways I'm a bad person, I'd throw that back at her and say "Why are you still here then?"

Hi there,

There's a lot going on in your post--a lifetime together--but what stands out to me is the stressful change of retirement.  You might wonder, why is retirement stressful, when it's supposed to be the opposite?  Well, any change in routine is stressful.  It may be that your wife has always been angry and highly critical--but you weren't around most of the day to bear the brunt of it.  Now that you're encroaching on her space and time, she has more opportunities to unleash her negative thoughts onto you.  And she might feel empty, without much purpose, lacking an identity, now that the kids have left the home.  YOU have become her entire focus, and her mission is to make YOU responsible for her unhappiness, because she doesn't understand that she has to be the one to choose happiness every day.  Indeed money issues come to the fore; after all, there's not as much money coming in, and maybe your wife feels unable to spend as freely as she wants.  Sure, it's normal to penny-pinch when starting out; most people start adulthood with debts, not piles of cash to swim in.  That your wife paints that as financial "abuse" is probably because she doesn't appreciate how darn hard it is to earn income and save for the long term.  The nature of BPD is to be intolerant of discomfort, to be impulsive, to want her needs met right NOW, darn it.  If she really wanted more money, what's stopping her from picking up some part-time work, such as dog walking or babysitting?  Another characteristic of BPD is to re-write history, generally in a negative light.  What's more, the reinterpretation of history always makes her out to be the victim.  That way, she blames others for her problems and avoids taking responsibility.  Does that sound about right?  That's classic BPD in my experience.

Another thing to consider is that she might be experiencing adverse effects of hormonal changes.  Menopause can be tough on some women, and maybe in ways that aren't the obvious ones.  The thyroid can slow down, leading to general sluggishness and feeling glum.  For me it comes with irritatingly itchy skin . . . an ongoing nuisance that disrupts sleep and can make me cranky at times, because of the relentlessness discomfort on some days.  I guess I'd ask if your wife has had a full check-up and blood panels done, to rule out physical ailments.  Oftentimes there are treatments, lifestyle remedies and supplments that can make a real difference.  Feeling better physically can lead to feeling better mentally.

Look, a common BPD trait is to project ill feelings onto the person who is closest to them.  Accusing you of being a narcissist, abuser, womanizer, mentally deranged or other mean things is extremely typical.  Sure, she might dredge up supposed "evidence" of your wrongs, but is the evidence highly distorted, or patently false?  My guess is that it is.  I guess my advice is not to take such accusations personally.  Sometimes the pwBPD in my life will make accusations that are so incredibly distorted that I have to suppress a laugh . . . it feels like she's calling me a poo-poo face, and that's the best she can come up with.  Once you see her accusations for what they are (projections most of the time), it's easier not to take them personally or doubt yourself so much.  If she were complaining about something real and valid, it would be easier to tackle it, right?

I understand that this is really tough on you.  Having a dysregulated spouse at home all day isn't fun.  Do you have go-to strategies for self-care?  I think it helps to have a "menu" of self-care options.  For me, sometimes that's as simple as a walk, a quick errand or a visit to the library, just to get me some space, and give my loved one some space and time to calm down.

Hi GrayJay,

She is not afraid that you will cheat. In the past, maybe she was, but not now that you've retired. All of those accusations are fabrications of her unconscious mind to create a dramatic scenario and put herself in an "emergency situation", because this is how she gets the reward from her endogenous opioids. This is a self-destructive behavior, but it is uncontrollable and unconscious.

She will not move out nor tell you to move out. Unless you start to threaten her to move out, then she will echo that. But that echoing will be criticism, not an actual request. The reality is that she doesn't want you to leave, because you are her source of "relief." Research has found that pwBPD have a very low baseline tone of endogenous opioids (which is painful), but they also get an exaggerated tone when under stress (which causes relief and is rewarding). So she needs to create some stress with you to feel better.

Reference: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6863154/

In this video, why do you think Andrew felt relief when waiting for the train to run over him? He could see his shadow, so he was backwards to the train but didn't worry. All of them, Andrew, Kyra, and Christina, describe that they get relief when they are cutting themselves (see 17:15).

The problem is that this opioid-seeking behavior can become addictive, especially in intimate relationships, especially when you are 24/7 with that person, and it gets even worse if you are codependent. It gets to a point in which the pwBPD will create the stressful situation just for the reward, when they don't actually need any relief. Since you retired, your wife has begun to develop this addiction, slowly. It's like a smoker who gradually increases the number of nicotine receptors in their brain. The more months and years go by, the harder it is for the smoker to quit smoking. In that same video at 13:28, why do you think Christina was obsessed about telling everyone that she should be able to use the markers on the papers?

In my case, the only solution was to have a "Living Apart Together" relationship. And I'm hoping that medication and therapy will resolve the problem. If you aren't ready to do that, then you can gradually start to spend more and more time out of home, but when you get back it will be tough and you'll be accused of cheating anyway. Is there any job you can take?

This. My brother laughs at me when the suggestion I have autism is brought up and he absolutely shuts that down. He does however dismiss my concerns my ex has bpd as nonsense and she is just mental. My eldest son did mention it a couple of nights ago though and said he doesn’t think I am autistic.

I always felt different but that may just be my introverted nature. Certainly nothing that impacts my day to day life. But my ex used to mention it, and did so one time at a family dinner where her mother turned round and said yeh I know or something similar. Bear in mind my ex’s mother has never told her kids she loves them, and never cuddled them or showed any affection. Her mother (ex’s grandmother) also was sectioned under mental health several times and conflict and lack of love has been passed down from generation to generation. More likely than not projection.

Regarding the ASD diagnosis - be careful here.  My bpdW makes that claim about me, too, when she is dysregulated.  It’s a form of projection and putting the blame on you for communication issues.  I’ve brought up my potential ASD with 3 therapists who all laughed me put of the room, telling me that pain for an evaluation was a guaranteed waste of money.  We then discussed the behaviors W claims are ASD, and concluded that these behaviors are most present when dealing with bpdW and are most likely trauma related and/or coping mechanisms. In other words, “not communicating clearly” only happens when dealing with her and stems from an intense fear of saying the wrong thing.  It’s not because I don’t see social cues.