It was heartbreaking for me because I was with him through everything, while he was in the military for 20 years and after his retirement. Then he said he is trying to see me as he used to see me, but he is having a hard time. We have known each other since high school.
I recall that many years ago one of our members observed that military life is regimented and ordered, and that people with BPD traits (pwBPD) can succeed there because they cannot buck the Authority. Marriage is different, more like teamwork. No wonder that after he retired his issues as reflected in your marriage suddenly became worse.
Though he treats you now like you have no authority over him - because he can - court is quite different. He doesn't know it yet, but he will eventually discover that family court is The Authority.
In a manner of speaking, although the marriage is almost surely beyond repair, divorce will be a protection for you and your children.
He isn't diagnosed with BPD, but I have mentioned to him that he may have bipolar disorder.
People with acting-out mental health issues often reject labels. Probably best you don't voice such thoughts unless under your lawyer's guidance.
Frankly, from a legal standpoint it doesn't matter what mental illness your spouse does or doesn't have. Relatively few of us ever even learned of a diagnosis. Most of us here who have gone through the divorce process discovered to our shock that family court and the professionals around the court seem to studiously avoid the entire topic. It's almost as though they view the litigants as just two people bickering with one another. In my case, it was only after about 5 years of being in and out of court after my final decree that our magistrate finally wrote in the written decision that "the court is inclined to order mother to have individual counseling" but even then stopped short of actually ordering it.
So what does the court do? As your lawyer likely has already told you, it will rule on the documents and evidence. It may listen to claims and allegations - generally only covering within the
six months before the case was filed - but then the court will set aside anything unsubstantiated as "hearsay" and ignore it. So be assured that unless he has firsthand proof of you doing something clearly wrong, however much they are emotionally painful, his claims will quickly fall flat.
Another thing the court will do is to move slowly once the initial temp order is issued outlining any spousal or child support and parenting schedule for the minor children. Expect a very brief temp order hearing within a month or so, perhaps as short as a half hour.
- You need to get the best (or "least bad") temp order from the very start since temp orders typically continue unchanged until the final decree in our sort of protracted cases.
- Yours is not the usual case so be prepared to emphasis your most pressing priorities.
I know it is my fault for not trying to find out what he needed, it's my fault for hurting him...
Anyway, out of all we have been through, I still love him; he is my husband and the father of our three children.
Your lawyer will strongly caution you against making any statements whatsoever that you might be at fault or to blame. Yes you tried, but no one expects you, an untrained and uninformed spouse, to do more than try. At most you can apologize for hurting his "feelings", though your lawyer would object to even that. To my knowledge, you cannot be found legally guilty for hurting feelings - except maybe recently in some countries in Europe.
Yes, it is so very tough. Despite your wishes, your spouse does not want to be your husband. You will have to accept that reality. Whether his perceptions are dysfunctional, whether he's been influenced by self-administered psychedelic plants, whether {whatever}... he as an adult has the right to end his marriage. What you can and must influence is the outcome, for your own protection and the welfare of the children.
