I have a newer Iphone, and there is an "action button" that can be used to make a voice memo.  I've programmed that action button because I'm just too slow and clumsy to unlock my phone, find the voice memo app and start recording.  Maybe this is a potential solution for quick recording.

I'm not going to tell you to do it or not do it (my gosh the constant "I've really turned over a new leaf"-itis is hilariously on-point), but audio-record the whole conversation and honestly invest in a $15 "set it and forget it audio recorder" to just wear around your neck or in a shirt pocket the first couple days - because there's a huge risk of her just complaining you raped her and strangled her and then tried to drown the kids or something...I cannot stress enough the need to have an audio recording of every moment for the next few weeks.

I faced over a dozen criminal charges, all of them finally acquitted two years later with a note that my ex just fabricated things out of thin air (she ended up accusing my lawyer of abusing her, then accusing three separate lawyers of her own of misconduct meriting losing their license if she'd been believed, testified before lunch there was no bruise, took a lunch break and came back to testify about how bad the bruises were, etc...almost comedic, from a very dark standpoint.).

My experience with judges is a mixed bag (female judges could see through her lies more easily than men who fell for her act, but they were also hesitant to act decisively and end this charade), but I'd rank the police involvement (I actually phoned police, not her) a 0/10 - absolute dereliction of duty and race to ruin my family's lives because when they showed up a pretty young woman told a horrifying story to explain why I was divorcing her.

Record. Everything.

I now will gain gaurdianship of my granddaughter in a few weeks. my daughter is mentally ll,  borderline and has made our lives miserable for many years. She has blamed me for everything in her life. She does not work have any income, a car or anything that can help her raise her daughter.She has tested positive for meth 2 times this year which she denies any useage.
We are so concerned now after DHS leaves that we wil
have no support of defense with our daughter that blames me for taking her away.
I am so weary and anxious about all this that some days I cant function well. I feel so sad for her and can't help feel sorry for her. She has absolutley nothing in her life..
I am reaching out for any advice or guidance in our next few weeks and for the future as we will have her until she graduates from high school. She is 15 and is getting tired of her mothers moods and inibility to help herself.

Hi DustyCabbage,

I have vast experience with that. Four long-term relationships with women with disorders. The first one had BPD traits and was pathologically jealous, and because of that, she had periods of "wanting to separate." In 2007 I was working too much, so she thought I had some kind of lover. I learned that the best thing to do is to move out and cut off contact. However, before leaving, I asked her to call me once per day. My mistake. She did that for 6 months without missing a day but was treating me coldly and poorly. As I finally began to think I was done with that and didn't care much about those phone conversations, she finally began to get less angry but didn't change her attitude of superiority.

So I gave up and changed my phone number. After 3 days she called to my office and was sad. She told me she had cried the entire weekend but said it was because of a film. I think she didn't realize it was because she was losing me. But I also happened to move to another office room, which had a different phone number. Then, her facade of superiority finally fell apart. But it was too late, because I was with another girl and in a very intense relationship. This new girl had histrionic personality disorder and liked to travel and luxury, but I was full of money to spend with her. Ironically, the outcome was great for me. Soon my ex wanted to reapproximate and wanted to become "my secret lover." She then got the complete opposite of a superior attitude.

Well, anyway, my advice is to agree with the separation. You don't need to sign divorce papers yet, but you should move out or make any deal that helps her to move out. Then you must move on with your life, genuinely. That means you must make yourself happy. You don't need to get another partner, but you can if you wish. Your wife will then miss you and remind herself of your value. Unfortunately, this is how emotionally immature people operate.

Finally, when you see a total flip in her attitude with you and she expresses willingness to meet you for a coffee, tell her you think it's better if she checks with a professional first about what made her want to divorce you in the first place. That's just a way of taking this unique opportunity to give her encouragement for her to seek treatment. You must wait for her to be fully engaged in treatment before you reapproximate.

Do this and you'll save your marriage. I know it's hard, but you need to sacrifice yourself a bit now.

---

Apart from this, please wait. Don't try to get kids now, not yet. I have six kids, two from each mother, and the amount of problems I have with their mothers is unimaginable. And all relationships became dysfunctional after the first baby and completely unbearable after the second. With people that are healthy, the kids might be a good thing that gives them purpose, makes them happy, and strengthens the relationship bond. However, with disordered people, it's completely the other way around. It deteriorates their mental state to a level that you have never seen before.

First you need to bring her to a better health state. The miscarriages are a sign that she is in a really poor state, probably with lots of inflammation. That must be treated first. She must first figure out if she has food intolerances, such as dairy or gluten sensitivity, by experimenting with an exclusion diet. Also, she must see which supplements work best for her. There is one that is the most effective for people with BPD, but you must do your own research. There are a few that are fundamental for a healthy pregnancy and should be taken months before trying. And consulting a doctor from natural/integrative/orthomolecular medicine would be great if you can afford it. Meanwhile, it's better to use a good contraceptive method.

My wife has just inserted a copper intrauterine device today. According to renowned doctor Lair Ribeiro in Brazil, this one is the best because it doesn't mess with the woman's hormones. We are living apart because I'm waiting for her to recover from BPD.

Hello  I’m new here.

My wife (35) has told me she wants a divorce and that she isn’t happy. We’ve been together almost 5 years and married for 19 months.

So a little background.

My wife was told by a CPN that she possibly has BPD but she’s never been diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

At the start of the relationship, things were a bit difficult as I done somethings that could be seen as emotional infidelity. I realised my mistakes and ever since have never done anything like that and vowed to commit myself.

Lately we’ve been trying for a child and unfortunately we’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. She blames herself and sometimes me for these although neither were our fault.

With Mother’s Day (in the uk) coming up, I knew she’d possibly be upset. I planned to take her out and have got her a card etc.

Unfortunately what I didn’t plan was for her mother to message her and upset her. Her mother has always been someone who only thinks of herself and never gives a crumb of comfort or empathy to anyone else. She disappeared at our wedding and has offered no compassion to my wife, whilst she was going through these miscarriages.

Since that text message, she’s decided she no longer wants any contact with her mother and has cut all ties with her (something I support). However she’s also turned to me and says she doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. That I have traits that are similar to her mother and that I remind her of her. She says she wants a divorce and wants to move out. 

She thinks I only got with her as a rebound relationship and I’m only married to her to tick a box in my life, that I don’t love her or care. She points out every single bad thing I’ve ever done/said and has been criticising everything.

I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife and care about her deeply. I want to start a family with her because I believe she’s an amazing woman.

We’ve been through scenarios before where she says she wants a divorce, brought up right after our miscarriage. This one seems a little different as normally the divorce threat disappears after a day. This has been going on for a few days.
I need advice

I needed to replace my car during what happened to be the last few months of my marriage.  So I bought a new used car - with my spouse and small child right there with me - and expected to again get a loan from my 401(k).  They required the spouse's signature acknowledging I was talking a loan out on my work's retirement account.  It's at that point she said No.  Dealer was fuming, it wasn't his fault he wasn't getting paid.  So I went to my local bank where I had my mortgage.  Their terms for a car loan were that I had to open a checking account there and have my paycheck sent there.

Of course, we were still together then and when she found out she flamed out, demanding I switch my paycheck back to our joint checking account.  I couldn't do that since those were the loan's terms.  It was very fortuitous - "oops, sorry about that, nothing I can do!" - since when we did separate there was little in our joint account to drain.  I did pay the household bills from that new personal account.

If I haven't said it before, I'm truly grateful to you for all of your feedback and advice. Thank you so much. I have a lot to respond to but at the moment I'm traveling and will respond in a more thoughtful way soon.

I'm grateful for you and your kindness nonetheless.

Though it's sad and distressing, I think you're doing the right thing, leaving the lines of communication open and waiting patiently until your daughter is ready to re-engage with you.  Yes it's agonizing to see your daughter suffer, as well as experience how ugly and delusional she can act at times, that's untreated BPD.  It's probably unfortunate that she can retreat to her mother's, wallow in misery and avoid getting treatment.  But I think that's just temporary, just for now.  If your daughter is anything like my stepdaughter, she can sleep all day, binge-watch videos and isolate in a bedroom like a pro, but only up to a certain point, maybe for two to six months, before she erupts.  Eventually something will disrupt the status quo . . . an altercation with her mom, a wayward text with an ex-friend or estranged sibling, running out of spending money.  My guess is that your daughter will resume contact with you at some point.  With my BPD stepdaughter at that age, things tended to shift with the arrival of a new season:  in autumn she'd want to go back to college, in spring she'd want to go on spring break (even though she wasn't in school), in summer she'd want to travel and go to the beach, and in the winter holiday season, well that would usually coincide with a total meltdown.

But, with a little separation, you're better able to work on you and your stuff.  I think you should model for your dear daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes self-care, therapy if you need it, and time for hobbies, vacations and friends.  Now more than ever your daughter needs Calm, Healthy, Balanced and Reasonable Dad.  If you're in a better headspace, I think it's easier to handle what your daughter hurls your way, with a clearer, steady head, and firm but reasonable boundaries.  She won't like it, and she might up the ante at first--that's called an extintion burst, resorting to tactics that previously worked for her (yelling, hurling insults, making threats).  You need to be strong and resolute.  Right now your daughter is saying she doesn't want your support, and she doesn't want you to contact her.  But I think reality is the exact opposite:  she needs you desperately, and she wants to be close to you.  But she can't right now because she knows she's acting meanly, and she's ashamed about that, though she's working hard to create a narrative to convince herself otherwise (for example by saying you owe her reparations for her childhood).

I still see some glimmers of hope in your posts.  Your daughter says she wants a life, a house, a job, a family.  That to me is something.  A few years ago if I asked my BPD stepdaughter what she wanted, I think she'd really have no clue, and what she professed to want sounded delusional (e.g. to be discovered as a super model, which to me sounded like wanting to be a quarterback in the NFL without having ever played JV football in high school).  But your daughter, she wants a JOB.  She wants a HOME.  She wants a FAMILY.  Those are all realistic, obtainable.  Now, you and I know that most people have to work several years to build up to that gradually, whereas your daughter is probably super impatient.  But to me, she sounds reasonable, at least in terms of aspirations.  My sense is that with the right therapy, she could probably make a lot of progress towards one or two of her goals in a couple of years:  a job, maybe an apartment with a roommate, maybe a boyfriend, maybe a pet.  That would be the beginnings of a real adult's life. 

If you have a joint account with her I am not too sure you will be able to empty out the funds legally. She can come back at you and ask for her half.  I know you said there wasn't much in there.  Just something to think of.  I do know how you feel. I too am in the planning stages of proposing a separation and I feel so guilty at times sneaking around and getting all the information and documents I need.  It's unfortunate but you do what you have to do.  I pray everything works out well for you.  Soon enough you will be free from all this.  Best of luck.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062197.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.