I also welcome you to the club. For me and perhaps for you, the biggest challenge of breaking away from being codependent is/will be owning your own feelings while letting those who encourage you to be codependent by dumping their own inner unhappiness on you and others be the owners of their own feelings.

Welcome to the club

I think people resist the term "codependent" because they see it as meaning weak or dependent but it does not. In my parents' situation, my father was the one who supported the family and was the more stable one, yet, he was co-dependent. My BPD mother is extremely dependent- can not manage without assistance, would not be able to hold a job and yet, she had total control over everyone else in the family. She was the dependent one in actuality, but had total power.


The good news is that for many of us growing up in a family with these dynamics, co-dependency is learned behavior. They are survival behaviors growing up in our families and in this context, are the "normal". But learned behaviors can be unlearned. It takes some work, practice, and time, but one of the best things I feel I did for myself was to work on changing my co-dependent behaviors and I think it has helped. Yes, sometimes we slip back into the patterns, but being self aware of them helps us to see it, and change it.

Now that you understand it, you can learn new behaviors.

@upanddown

Sam Vaknin, as you say, is not qualified to say the things he says with any real authority. He is an intuitive thinker, and I would caution you to take everything he says with a "grain of salt". 

Thank you for your response.  I'd like to give you my best answer to your question but I'm not there yet.  Too much info and feelings floating around in my head with no real direction to it all as yet.  Motivate me to stay.... she's the mother of my kids, the love of my life and I care about her and what happens to her.  "In sickness and in health".  The fact that our lives overall hasn't been a complete train wreck, lots of good times, even during the past 12 years. 
Incline me to leave.... my overall mental health and happiness.  My life becoming much less stressful and drama-free.

As I read more and more, and dig deeper, I'm not sure where she really fits. I don't much care what label is attached to her, not that important.  More important, she has deep, serious issues and needs help no matter what I want to call it.

There is so much of the info that fits and is our life, yet there is much of both sides of this (BPD/NPD) that doesn't, at all. 

Can someone have a lot of the traits but not actually be enough to be considered BPD/NPD?  Can people have "mild" cases of it, where the very worst of the behaviour isn't present, or has it just not come out yet?

She does have a lot of redeeming qualities.  At times can be the most caring person I know.  Or at least acts that way.  No issues whatsoever with her childrearing.  My kids would not look at her as a failure to them, they are really good kids (22, 27 now).  They understand she has a mental illness and couldn't be a 'traditional' mother but the love and affection, and emotional support and development were there.....

Thanks for responding. Right now I'll take any support and assistance I can get. I've come to realize I've been so alone in all of this for so long.  Her and her mother have a very close relationship, yet she's clueless to all of this.  Or at least pretends to be, to me.  Sister, same story.  How can these people be so clueless.  They've all shuned me now, so trying to share this new found information would fall on deaf ears.  I'm apparently the monster.....

So, read the link.  Impressions..... not much different than what I've already been doing and living with for the past 12 years.  Most of it isn't new to me.  The situation might have evolved some with the worsening of the BPD, but overall I've been her "rock".  I'm coming to realize that she actually would likely have never had a stable, normal life without me or someone like me being there as a steadying influence on her.  Career (she was high functioning until around age 40), house, family.  Without me supporting and doing all that I did, she would not have been able to cope as well (stress is a definite trigger for her).

My problem seems to be that after 30 years of dealing, I burned out. Just couldn't keep it going to the same level I had.  I also didn't realize the scope of all I was dealing with, thinking it was just bipolar.  All this information and how to manage it would have been a game changer had I known.  Having said that, me burning out is now, finally, putting everything into the light and forcing her/us to deal with it.

I agree that there is no rush for me to decide whether to try to stay, or simply keep on walking.

Biggest challenge for me right now, is understanding what proper relationship boundaries even are.  I don't think we have ANY, and I'm not even sure what healthy boundaries would even look like.

And I've most certainly been protecting her from failure and the natural consequences of her actions.

Livedandlearn- it doesn't sound like either of these two have boundaries, I was just suggesting this was their way of rationalizing their behavior in a way that aligns with their self image.

In fact, if he's constantly seeking this kind of "supply" the relationship may not go well.

It's unfortunate that the girls are exposed to this relationship drama but I am not sure there's much for Kells to control other than to live the example she wants to be. I think children can see the difference. I know it was different between being at home, staying with relatives, and my friends' houses. I could sense stability and it felt comfortable.

They are going to set their own comfort levels in relationships. I would encourage you to continue to validate the girls' feelings and that they can be true to themselves. I think the best you can do is let them experience your example.

Well I complied with her in order to achieve an end - sell the family home.

She no longer has a prison in which to incarcerate anybody. He is currently living in university accomodation and I am living in my own flat. I understand he plans to send her an email to inform her on Monday that he is coming to live with me in the summer. From there he has no plans to see her. He has in fact said to me in the past "dont fall for her tricks" - so he is aware what she is capable of. I do not expect her to threaten suicide but I expect that she will try to put pressure on me. I will simply tell her that if he doesnt live with me he will arrange his own accomodation, something that will be costly and potentially isolating for him - and so living with me is the correct thing to do setting aside her disappointment.

Yes we are both ready for her threats etc. Suicide? She thinks too much of herself for that.

My 19yr old has left my life momentarily for the 3rd time in 2 years. She feels she really hates us at the moment. I was so close to getting her back into therapy but she believes they will lock her up and throw away the key.

Laughed my head off at Stolencrumbs comments on Derrida and Foucault At first I thought it was just my stupidity that I didn't understand them. Then I realized, no, it is because they actually don't make sense. For light relief, Kells  ask creepy SD to explain a page or two to you. Th funny side helps get us through the strain.

I have been dating someone for 8 months that I recently discovered has BPD.  Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride.  I love him and I am trying to understand if this relationship is sustainable.  Just looking for support.