I can only speak from my own experience and I am probably going against the majority but hey that's what the British government do!

Searching for split personality is what lead me to BPD in the first place, I am convinced my ex was one person with 2 personalities.
Isn't that why we refer to them as Jekyll and Hyde?
She would change from laughter to psycho in a split second and the strangest thing was neither personality remembered what the other had said or done. She was like David Banner, once she had had a sleep she would return to normal totally unaware of the havoc she had wreaked the night or hours before.

Thanks everyone for your support - It has been 6-7 weeks on now and I am starting to move forward... I haven't been in contact with her and have surrounded myself with friends and family so have started to heal... I am lucky enough to have some pvt med with work so should be getting counselling soon too. I am trying to start focusing on my own self development now and dealing with whatever unresolved issues from my past. I think it will be a while before I can feel comfortable in a new relationship, but I am starting to take steps forward.

So I bought this book today and I quickly read the first chapter.

First thoughts? They are onto me god damn it  they wrote it for me I think.

I can see it being a very uncomfortable read but it's getting read.

Anybody else have This, what was your experience of the book?

Irish, you may relate to this, but I find singing Irish folks songs very soothing. Mostly Pogues songs. Especially when  your mates joined in, it’s almost like shared grief.

I wondered why the poet laureate lush that is Shane MacGowan wrote Army song, yet he’d never been near a war zone or even joined up. I now realise that it was the common imagery necessary to get that level of sentiment he was feeling. Having CPTSD I often relate to others with PTSD regardless of how it came about.

Shane was also an alcoholic that turned the anger inwards, rather than outwards as your step Dad did and our BPDs did.  Thank you for admitting you hated you mother, something we still can’t do during the light of day, but its important to know some women can not, should not, be mothers. There must be a point at which a mother can no longer claim she is part of the “fairer sex”, where "honour thy mother" no longer holds, were blood is irrelevant. My BDP crossed that line, I realise even for a BPD she was aggressive, she had zero compromise like the love child of Margaret Thatcher and Trump.  Did yours cross all those lines ?

Hi simut.

They become somebody else because they "split" on you. They see everything in black and white so they either love you or hate you.

This is why you hear people say it just happened out the blue because it literally did. One minute your Jehovah and the next Lucifer, you are left scratching your head thinking what just happened? They alternate between the 2 with everybody, even their own children, I have seen it.

I forgot who said when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  Something like that.

Sounds like you tried remedying your cognitive dissonance by splitting in your own mind and creating two storage banks for “understanding” things.  (And you are asking why this won’t work?)

Splitting off your own awareness does not make the reality you so desire to become a truth.

When a person shows you who they are, they are all of who they show you of themself.  (Especially when you have spent time with them tracking patterns of behaviors)

People do change, but having a pattern of seeing a person osscilate emotional ranges...  to assume they are the idealized version that you prefer is simply denial that they are all of what you have experienced.

Cutting out our own understanding to cope...
Does not lead us to truth.  Does not lead us to greater intimacy with others or ourself.
It is a mild form of dissociation on our part to eliminate who they are from our awareness.

Persons with BPD oscillate in this way due to inherint flaws in their ability to self regulate.  They use other people and do what is referred to as “relational regulation” instead.  When they are elated and their partner feels “high” with them and like this is the best thing since sliced bread, well... realize that you guys may be using relational regulation to capture this feeling that feels more amplified than usual good feelings.

If you are dealing with a person who has little, poor, or zero self regulation skills, expect that when they feel poorly and want to regulate that emotion, well... they are well practiced in the art of relational regulation... to the exclusion of learning self regulation skills.  

(If in addition to your partner having poor self regulation skilss, you youself also have poor self regulation you may want to depend on relational regulation to the exclusion of self regulation and may feel slighted when used by your partner to not only regulate positive feelings, but the negative ones too.)

The intense feelings a person with BPD has, positive or otherwise...  is intense due to lack of these internalized self regulation abilities.  (Some formally learn DBT and can logically move through dialectics, that is still different than a person who has internalized the ability to self regulate)

This is gonna be the dumbest analogy ever but think a sweet dessert vs less sweet... the intense one is gonna give you more calories.  You can’t eat it and think “this is so beautiful and sweet and must be utter goodness that it cant possibly have zero calories.” No, because we know stuff that is sweeter has more sugar and well... too much isn’t good.  We accept that cupcakes have more not less calories than bread.  

Same that a person who uses others consistently to regulate emotions... would be silly to expect that they will begin magically self regulating just cause to do so would save us the calories and we so badly want the sweetness.

(Bad analogy again but I felt a metaphor of some kind was needed)

Hi Friend.

Thanks, I may change a few bits though because she has stated she would not admit adultery, I may tell her I will change my stance and say a 2yr separation in the hopes she just signs.

I mean either way she's going to be p1ssed because all she will see when she reads that is "rejection".

So you sent a letter almost a year ago Right, have you been lucky enough to be left alone?

Yes.

I just saw this comment from Skip on another thread and it was a new idea to me. I’m still processing it.

A lot of people posting here have described an experience where the person we care about seems to become someone different from the one we thought we knew. I suppose that’s how I’ve been thinking too. She really did seem to turn into someone different. I somehow thought that her best self was more real and authentic than her bad self, and this helped me to disregard her bad and dysfunctional behavior.

But maybe that’s not a good way to think about it, I don’t know.

I’d be interested in other views on this.

My 16 year-old daughter and I were stuck in a rut.  She would claim that the downstairs bathroom was ours.  I would respond that it was a family space.  She would request items for her room.  I would respond that we gave her a budget for her room.  On and on went the dance.

She can be very mature and responsible.  She has a cupboard in kitchen with her food and dishes.  I initiated that we start setting her up with her spaces in the house helping her to prepare for her own place.  She has the downstairs bathroom and living room.   We bought her a dorm fridge and containers for her bedroom.  She spent over the week cleaning her bedroom which was an enormous undertaking.

She requested more items for her bedroom.  We agreed to a win/win of finding ways to save money in the household budget that would go towards her room improvement.  I have not felt much hope for change in recent years.  The focus on: JADE, Walking on Eggshells, and ACTUP, really is showing positive changes and I feel hopeful!  Thank you for the support and recommendations.