its a hard place that youre in. ive been there.

the first thing is that people with bpd traits are frequently inappropriate when it comes to what appropriate boundaries look like when youre somewhere between in a new relationship, still want to be friends, still have feelings, want to be on good terms.

its hard to navigate, and the person you love just plain isnt good at it. so shes confused and acting confusingly.

she reached out primarily to maintain a connection with you. shes conflicted as you are, shes also going about navigating in a different way. she may also have residual feelings for you.

its a good move to stay out of any talk of her relationship. you want to give it a wide berth, let it stand or fall on its own. plus, youre an ex lover, and it hurts to hear. and sometimes, you just have to come out and say it, shut it down.

why has she gone from hitting you up constantly to nothing at all?

shes not processing this in the same way that you are. a lot of her attention is on the new relationship. shes not in the same place when it comes to analyzing your interactions, though, having said that, she probably feels dumb and self conscious (as people with bpd traits are prone to feel) at bringing things up with you and getting shut down.

youre right that this is a long game. as i said, their relationship needs room to stand or fall, and you want to give that a wide berth. also, in terms of your goal of reconciliation, the day to day interaction (or not) matters very little in the bigger picture. its understandable that the more distance grows, the more urgent youre going to feel, but its a pretty necessary part of an awkward transition, and going through it, the more youll see that success isnt built on talking each day, or every other day, or even every week.

its built on getting through, getting back to living your life. its built on getting back to the strong, upbeat, confident guy she fell for. its built on understanding why your relationship broke down, and how thats going to be resolved. its built on her relationship crashing and burning, and the two of you reconnecting in a new and different context.

make sense?

do i have it right that the two of you are exes (formerly exclusive) and now friends with benefits?

a friends with benefits situation has very little loyalty, if any (and even less with the baggage that comes from a breakup). its generally a situation where you get together, and mess around.

my sense of your post is that you want more commitment, that you want to improve the standing of your relationship.

its just not going to happen in the context of where things are right now.

improving the situation, whether that means pulling back and adapting, or improving the relationship, or getting out altogether are all very different paths.

which way are you leaning?

The other thing I have noticed is I no longer feel compelled to fix anything. So many things are not my job. I no longer am in the "taking care of everyone" business..
Am learning new ways to be ok with natural consequences...
I was the great Gumby.
It's a life I am glad to leave behind.
It's refreshing and life giving to allow, to be with, to breathe, without fixing or changing one thing.

people with bpd traits over express themselves. they speak in extremes. youre the best person in the world, or the worst.

for your own psychological benefit, and for that of the relationship, you dont want to take either too seriously. the truth is somewhere in between. and the "real" him is somewhere in between, but the reality is that he sees, feels, and expresses in extremes.

but put yourself in the shoes of someone who is blowing things out of proportion - weve all been there. weve all screamed at or gone off on somebody. but somewhere, deep down, theres something valid about what we are over reacting to.

in the same way, although your loved one sees, feels, and expresses himself in extremes, there is something deep down that hes just not doing a great job at communicating, and learning to sort of suss that out can really help.

how long has he been in dbt?

i dont see really see much in the way of error here, pJ.

clearly theres a rift between your daughter and her stepfather. and it sounds like youre taking both sides into account. you cant fix that rift, but you can do what you can, ya know?

its a tricky situation. youre sort of caught in the middle, and dont want to take a particular side, but do want to be united and on the same page with your husband.


i dont think you missed the boat. he just wasnt ready for your goals.


its a good move. give him some space, let him cool off until hes in a more productive place.

now might be a time where i would bring it back up. ask questions ie "you were saying _____? do i have that right?" and get him to elaborate. listen. dont push solutions, yet, just let him know youre listening, and try and get a sense for whats driving him and whats really valid here. bring what you learn back here.

a day or two after that, he might be in a better place to work toward solutions.

Thank you RC.

I agree learning fundamentals in relationship basics does feel like a superpower.  And it works in all situations.

It's an eye opener to me how much unhealthy is out there in my day to day.
And I surprise myself in that I am not taken in by the unacceptable stuff.
I have taken back my life.
And I have learned to be ok with being alone rather than being with unhealthy people.  Being alone is fine with me, nothing to be afraid of.
I think being able to be alone has helped me recognize who I do want to spend time with. 

hi  Loves.a.a.v.bpd,


if she has gotten back with an ex, the best thing you can do is give her and that relationship a lot of space. pull back.

that relationship needs to stand or fall on its own, and it will, but if youre in the picture, that can make things more complex.

does that make sense?

what is he saying about these things?

what are you saying?

Disclaimer: I am a 49y/o M who has sole legal and primary physical custody for 6+ years former spouse is a dxBPD.

I have read your original post, to begin with her is the first error that needs to be addressed. Her counselor, cannot be the kids counselor, and your counselor. That is an ethical conflict of interest, due to multi-roleing. And any testimony given is easily dismissed to the conflict of interests.

If she has made to false CPS complaints then you attorney should be making hay form this.

Parental alienation is very hard to prove unless you evidence based attachment evaluations ( I have been through two of them). Any accusation for parental alienation is usually based in fraudulent science to begin with. I have been accused to PA and four times independent evaluators have determined “ no coaching or alienation .... which is why attachment therapy is critical”

Suggestions:
1. Have the court appoint a separate counselor for the kids.
2. Talk with your counselor about attachment therapy, learn to read the cue’s and miscues of your children and recognize their internal states.
3. document everything in photos, recordings, don’t ask you kids any questions without having impartial witnesses.
4. You really need to read up on BPD and understand it is a political hot button since DSM-V. It will take a forensic evaluation of diagnose it. You can ask for the court to do forensic evaluations.
5. Own your PLEASE READ and fix yourself.

I'm sorry for the difficult spot you're in.  Finding community here is a great way to break through the feelings of isolation.  Glad you've raised great kids.  It sounds like that's a good source of satisfaction in your life.  How old are they?  Tell us a little about them.

RC