Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
February 13, 2026, 10:49:46 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Pages: [1] 2 ... 10
 1 
 on: February 13, 2026, 07:05:15 AM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by Notwendy
I understand- aging +BPD is a complicated situation. From my BPD mother's situation, the brain scan alone wouldn't have been enough for a diagnosis. She did have some episodes of confusion but it was felt there were medical reasons- an infection, or medication causing them.

What I saw with my father and mother in law- neither of whom had BPD or dementia, was an increase in irritability in their elder years. It makes sense- nobody wants to lose independence, and so they did have moments of feeling frustrated.

People with BPD can also have the "normal" consequences of aging- but add BPD to that and it is a challenge. What I found with my mother was that even with her disorder- there was no way to intervene as long as she was legally competent, and she remained legally competent. Even if there had been some dementia- people can remain legally competent in early stages.

It is good you are taking care of yourself. I think at this point, it's the best you can do. You know to keep a watch on any changes in your H and what direction they are going.



 2 
 on: February 13, 2026, 06:01:12 AM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by JazzSinger
If you feel unsafe- that is most important. When I posted that it would be hard to determine how violent your H is from the phone swatting, I was looking at this as - would this be evidence for medical intervention? If he were younger, and in sound mind, then would this be a DV case?

If your H is continuing to mentally decline and is a danger to you or himself- then he'd have to be evaluated and may need to be considered for memory care.

Since you are staying with him, the option for your safety is to be alert to his moods and avoid conflict if possible. This isn't to blame you- it's not your fault. It's that if he's got some age related cognitive issues, he could also be more irritable.

Your feelings are most important here.

NotWendy,

I don’t feel unsafe.  I also don’t believe this rises to the level of DV.  I just think I should be mindful that it’s new behavior, and I’m not sure what might come next.  But he did not strike me, and he didn’t swat with force.

I am unable to gauge his dementia.  He hides things from his doctors, but a brain scan did show signs of dementia. 

Needless to say, I’m sick and tired of him.  I just want to live out the rest of my years in peace.  I don’t have the energy for his arguing and negativity.  I ignore him most of the time.  I walk away when I don’t like what he’s saying.  I’m almost 80 years old, and he is an elder too, although a few years younger than me. 

I’m just trying to live my life as normally and as joyful as I can, with friends, family, and activities that don’t include him.

Thanks so much.  I appreciate everything you wrote.

 3 
 on: February 12, 2026, 04:33:52 PM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by Notwendy
If you feel unsafe- that is most important. When I posted that it would be hard to determine how violent your H is from the phone swatting, I was looking at this as - would this be evidence for medical intervention? If he were younger, and in sound mind, then would this be a DV case?

If your H is continuing to mentally decline and is a danger to you or himself- then he'd have to be evaluated and may need to be considered for memory care.

Since you are staying with him, the option for your safety is to be alert to his moods and avoid conflict if possible. This isn't to blame you- it's not your fault. It's that if he's got some age related cognitive issues, he could also be more irritable.

Your feelings are most important here.

 4 
 on: February 11, 2026, 08:36:47 AM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by Under The Bridge
Is swatting the phone out of my hand a sign that he could hit me?  I’m not sure. 

Though I seem to be the only one who will say this.. I say a definite 'Yes'.  It's physical contact and it requires force - however much or little he used - to knock your phone away and I would not accept that at all. We all expect verbal abuse from a BPD but when physical, striking actions occur, this isn't acceptable - and you say yourself that it was 'very scary'.

You also say that you've 'learned a lesson', like you did something bad. You don't need to learn lessons; he does and needs to know there will be consequences if he raises hands to you in any way.

Just my thoughts. It's only a small step up from striking something you're holding to striking you, especially if he knows you'll put up with it.  I ended my own BPD relationship because on her final outburst she was very close to getting physical for the first time and I could see it developing.

Take care of yourself.

 5 
 on: February 11, 2026, 07:03:24 AM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by JazzSinger
Hi Jazz,

In my opinion, swatting a phone wouldn't qualify as violence, even if your husband shouldn't have done it.

The way I see the situation is probably one of, "He can dish it out but can't take it" type of exchange. 

CC43,

I agree with you 100%. Perhaps I was overreacting.  Also, he  can dish it out, but he can’t take it. It’s irritating beyond belief.  I’ve lost my cool more than once, because like you, I am human.

I think I need to just continue my self-care journey, and stay as detached from him as possible.

Thanks.

Jazz

 6 
 on: February 11, 2026, 06:57:13 AM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by JazzSinger
That sounds very disturbing, particularly given that it crossed a physical boundary that you had not seen before. The most important thing is how you felt at that time. To continue trusting your instincts, disengaging when necessary, and putting your safety and peace first is a very good idea.

Mutt,

It was very scary indeed.  Never again will I brandish a camera in front of him.  I’ve learned my lesson.

Thanks.

Jazz

 7 
 on: February 11, 2026, 06:55:24 AM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by JazzSinger
Hi JazzSinger,

When you say you took the picture to remind yourself of who he really is, it seems like you really didn't like his polarized t-shirt, right? That was understood as criticism. More than that, the action of taking a picture was assumed to be a combative action (in a way, it was). In this situation in which he feels judged and "attacked," he will tend to have quick negative interpretations, and he did the simplest one, that you would use that picture against him.



SuperDaddy,

I’m sure he felt attacked. If I really need to video or photograph him for my own safety, I shouldn’t broadcast it.  I’m going to file this under “Lessons Learned,” and move on from it.

Thank you. 

Jazz

 8 
 on: February 11, 2026, 06:51:28 AM  
Started by JazzSinger - Last post by JazzSinger
Hi Jazz!

I've swatted at a few phones in my day when someone was trying to take a photo I didn't like.  But I never tried to break anyone's phone either or actually hurt them.  I guess it would depend on your husband's motives and how we was feeling/acting right after that happened.

Maybe the best possible lesson here is not to take photos of your husband since it could be a trigger for him.  I know that sounds silly, but it's a minor concession to living in peace.

POOK075,

I agree with you.   No need to do something to rile him up, for no important reason.

Thanks. 

Jazz

 9 
 on: February 11, 2026, 06:40:15 AM  
Started by DesertDreamer - Last post by DesertDreamer

A few questions come to my mind. Did this relationship make your depression worse, or was this depression already haunting you before you met her?

In regard to moving into her country, did things run out as you thought they would? Or did things go in a different direction? Was it she who encouraged you to move into her place, or was it you who had this initiative? Do you feel like this is an opportunity or that you fell into a trap?

Also, do you have the citizenship already? I believe this would make things much easier (or harder if you don't).


Hi SD, thanks for your care in responding to my posts. That's been a kindness for sure. I really appreciate what you said about grief and relief existing together; I definitely feel that.

When I moved to her home country, I did have a notion in the back of my mind that it might not work out, and the reason would be because of our relationship. I cried a lot at the airport in part because I knew this. I did agree to leave the US for some of my own reasons, but it was largely her push because she felt strongly that the country was becoming unsafe for her (there is a lot of truth to this). So I left America, but I don't have citizenship in here, and I'm clearly floundering. I didn't think it would be this hard - I hoped it would be an opportunity, but it's not quite playing out that way yet. A lot of the economic problems that plague the US also exist here, and on top of that, I'm an immigrant with lesser language/social know-how now. So the fallout of our relationship may lead to a lot of other cookies crumbling, and I would need to accept/anticipate that.

I was definitely depressed before I met her (I've been depressed as long as I can remember, and have gone to therapy on and off for my entire adult life). New layers of severe withdrawal, emotional exhaustion, and nervous breakdowns have entered the picture over the years of our relationship. I don't ever remember feeling as anguished in my life as I have in this relationship. It's been intense, as I'm sure you've felt too. One thing that I'm trying to accept is that my mental health/general makeup as a human is a factor in wanting and needing to leave, and that's just how it is for me.

 10 
 on: February 10, 2026, 11:48:48 PM  
Started by rawrrrhaha - Last post by ForeverDad
What throws me off is that the fear of abandonment doesn’t really seem to be there. If anything, she’s the one who drops people and moves on to another guy straight away.

Look at her pattern from another angle... Could it be that she abandons relationships before they can abandon her?  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) seem to quickly notice subtle changes in the other person.

Pages: [1] 2 ... 10
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!