Hi @sarah99. I am sorry to hear that u also have been treated wrong. I am new here since a couple of months here. I have been into a relationship for 8 months, we were engaged, much breakups- makeups, critizised by her, faulse accused and so on. We had amazing relationship when she was feeling fine, great conversations, sex, and all that. But then , the bad times she did like your girlfriend did, and now mine just sent a textmessage with accusation, anger and so.. and devaluated me in May... has never come back. I have been griefing and still do, wonder so many things.. WHY, WHAT...but i will never get the answers to my questions. Because they will never be pleased or loved enough.. and their behaviour will not change unless they dont get treatement . You more u love them, the more they push u away.. the are so afraid of being  abandonded  and geel engulfment at the same time..they are confused souls with so much pain you cant get it..or understand it....how long have u been together? How are the good times u have? How often has she splitted you?

It 3:45am, My DH and I are sitting in our family room waiting for the police to either bring home our D, or come back so we can fill out a missing persons report. 

We have a sensor on the door that chimes on my phone if the door is open, and I heard it go off just before 3am.  Got up (out of my bed) checked her room, came downstairs and found the back door open, no Daughter.    I went to track her on the phone, she had sent me a text that she had a huge fight with A (boy that she may or may not be dating, has told me he sells drugs) and was walking to the beach to clear her head and meet her friend T (a new boy we have never heard of before, beach is a little over a mile away).  To please not call the police, she isn't going to do anything bad, she'll be back later.   and her phone is powered off.

We called the police, gave them all info we had...and now we are just sitting here waiting. 

You are only human,  you love your daughter and her words hurt you...and sometimes we lose it.   Just think of the many more times you didn't lose it.  Us parents are under such stress with our BPDkids I'm amazed at how strong we all are given the circumstances.   

Sending you a (((hug))) 

My head hurts. I can seperate his feelings of rejection over this from the passive aggressive behaviour of withholding connection between us. My head hurts because im conflicted about what to do next. My first instinct was to just give him the silent treatment, but that’s not me. My next instinct was to shout/text that i will not be emotionally punished for doing something he didnt like, but im too angry to do that and it would end up badly, so i didnt. So i am taking some space. I get his feelings of rejection/abandonment, i do but my life and what i choose to do in it cannot be punished because he feels these feelings. My boundary is no controlling behaviour. My head hurts because i cant think of any way to put this boundary in place, other than to leave.

Well. My story on why I stay, unfiltered. I know the truth that much of what’s here is flawed reasoning, but they’re the real feelings keeping me stuck nonetheless.

1. I can fix it if I try harder to be patient, understanding, loving, validating, accommodating, etc.  I know this is not true. But my gut believes it.

2. He’s not abusive, he’s got the emotional maturity of a 2 year old (if that), and the emotional understanding and behavior to match.  His own demons cause him fear and anxiety, and he reacts in pain, in the equivalent of a toddler’s unregulated temper tantrum.  It used to be more verbal abuse (and not much, but my threshold is zero, so anything more than that is infinite and unacceptable to me), but now he dives into the extreme victim role at the drop of a hat. I looked at him wrong. I thought he did something wrong. I disapproved. I thought he was a bad parent. Sometimes I do disapprove and he is reading an expression accurately. Sometimes he imagines it.

3. I stayed for my son. To buffer, divert, soothe, validate, teach. To give emotional/mental health first aid after his father is dysregulated and/or invalidating. To try to show his father a better way. Also wrong, my mind knows. My heart doesn’t agree.

4. I want both of us to see our son every day. I want my son to see us. My own father is an alcoholic and was distant and scary when I was a child. I want my son to have a loving, present dad. My husband is that...some of the time. If I leave, I’m afraid he’ll lise his ability to be that very much at all.

5. His intentions are good and he loves me, as much as he can love. It’s really mostly need and fear of abandonment, not what I’d like love to be, but it’s what he’s got and he believes 100% that it’s love. I loved him too, once. I wish I did, still.

6.  I read somewhere that to pwBPD, the fear of abandonment is like being a toddler in Times Square on NYE and you’ve lost hold of your mom’s hand in the crowd. You’ve lost your all-important source of love, identity, and survival.  How could I do that to him?  Even though I think that’s not at all what a relationship between equal partners should be - unfortunately I chose my partner unwisely and we’re not equals. Would I leave because he developed a physical disability?  

7.  It broke while I was holding it, so I bought it. Not my fault, so not quite “you break it, you bought it”, but nonetheless how can I just discard it now that it’s broken?

8.  I might be crippled with self-imposed guilt if I leave. I should have tried harder. I’m the rational, mature one. I should be able to fix it, or at least tolerate it better and find some joy in what I have.

9. It would be admitting failure. And giving up hope. (Note to self: hope <> wishful thinking)

10.  I wouldn’t be able to control what happens.

11.  I don’t have the faintest idea how to just tell him, when we’re not fighting mad, that I’m leaving. It would feel like such a betrayal of his love and hope and efforts.

I struggle with this constantly. It would be one thing if those vile reactions were because there was actual conflict, or if I did or said something hurtful. I would be more likely to write it off as "well, she has difficulty regulating her emotions."  But her reactions towards me for just *being* is what makes me spiral into anger and resentment. I am just living my life, trying to take care of my priorities, starting with ME. I have to self-care in order to be my best self to everyone else. This includes living my truth and living the life I want.  All while being the best partner/daughter/friend/neighbor/employee/human possible.

Also, she's more than her disorder yes. But, if she refuses to accept that something may be off, that something needs to be looked at and nurtured/loved/taken care of because this isn't how a healthy relationship should be, then at what point do you just throw your hands up and walk? When does it become less exhausting?  Holding up the boundaries and enforcing all the strategies and tactics we're supposed to learn and practice is the most draining part of my life.

I believe D10 is aware already as she seems to be triggered/attempt to change the subject whenever his name is mentioned (such as when D6 said she’d changed football teams because he supported them).

W has filed for divorce and we have the first part (decree nisi) since nov18. However there’s a bunch of stuff that needs to be agreed and executed to get to the final stage (decree absolute) which she is not being proactive on. I feel no inclination to be proactive since it’s not something I believe is right...... that said, I am reasonable and complete tasks as and when necessary in a timely fashion. Multiple times I’ve been asked to collate and produce documentation and produce spreadsheets only for the situation to stall. Like I said, I believe she expects me to pick up her dirt laundry and go wash it (as per her entire life of people enabling her), but I don’t, I just stand there looking at the pile.

I do not think my W can tolerate the idea of being the bad guy. She’s very much between a rock and a hard place between doing what her fantasy tells her she wants and her values say is right. Whether she’s acutely aware of that I don’t know, that would require having a conscience.

Enabler

Thought I'd post an update here since I keep having flashbacks of my visit with my family pre-graduation and it's really distracting. I think they're becoming more frequent because I am supposed to see uBPD mom in a few weeks and when I think of it, I feel anxious and sick.  I really don't have any desire to visit my mom. I feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm and other times I don't.

Anyway, when I last saw her, it was because I was down for my law school graduation.  The first couple of days were superficial. I tried to bond with her by taking her on early morning walks because she needs that kind of push to start exercising on her own.  The first couple of walks were a bit draining for me. She spent them mostly complaining about my father and people in general. I heard a lot of stories for the millionth time. Then one morning I figured, I should talk to her about my fiance and his parents being at my graduation.  I figured, it was in public, she needed to know so she could deal with her feelings asap, and I was under the impression that she didn't know (I had told my dad about it but he said that he wouldn't be telling her and that I should). I practiced exactly what I would say over and over. All I said was hey, they're going to be there but I want you to know that I do not expect you to spend time with them or sit with them because I know how you feel about them. I just want you to know ahead of time of their presence so it doesn't catch you off guard.

I didn't think that was a bad or triggering way of wording it, but silly me.  I thought it validated her feelings- she doesn't like them, is uncomfortable, there's no pressure, etc. Her initial reaction was shock and surprise at the news. But then she immediately got upset and was like, Why are they coming? They have no reason to be there. They're nothing in your life. I said, well they're happy for me and want to be supportive, and I think that's very nice of them. So she goes, Wow, how fake of them!  They haven't been around the whole 3 years you've been in school. What have they done for you? Well, I guess his mother is finally treating you right! (Side note-- FMIL has never mistreated me. My mom, however, has taken it very personally that FMIL won't post a picture of me on her facebook. That to mom means that my FMIL doesn't like me. I've never even noticed and frankly, I'm grateful that she hasn't!)

It all went downhill from there. She brought up the night my parents met his parents and then the afternoon where my fiance and she had their last awful argument. She twisted a lot of things that were said or happened and flipped out when I denied things that I knew were untrue. At one point, she said she wouldn't come to the graduation because "the people I really love would be there so I don't need her" and then later she said that she would come if I wanted her there and if I'd be able to enjoy myself despite her presence. I told her I always wanted her there and that she and dad are people that I love as my parents, but there are other people in my life that I care about too.   

That wasn't enough. She kept saying to cut her out of my life, to never speak to her again, that she didn't care. That she was glad I moved away so I could get away from her because all she's done is make my life miserable and she should just drop dead. By now she had been yelling and crying, completely red in the face, and started wheezing because of her asthma. I tried to get her to stop walking to use the inhaler but she refused and said she wanted to have an asthma attack so she could die. At that point, I asked her to please seek help because this was not healthy behavior. She told me that she went to one session with a psychologist and the psychologist said that my fiance was the problem and that he was a bad person and that she was totally fine. Afterward, she threatened to kill her self once more (saying she would when she got back to the house), so I told her I would have to take her to the hospital if she tried to hurt herself. She got, believe it or not, even more upset. I kept repeating to her that this wasn't necessary. That her reaction to my fiance and his family wasn't necessary or healthy and that I was deeply concerned for her.

So as this is happening, we're getting closer to the house and a couple of our neighbors were outside. She cut it all out as soon as she saw them. She was all smiles and laughter and charm to them. I just kept walking. She caught up to me and then it was back to the rage and the crying and the threats. The kicker for me was actually this. She told me that she had known for weeks about my in-laws coming because my father had told her. Yet, she had initially acted complete shocked as if this was brand new information. So why the need for the meltdown?! Knowing her, she'd had raged about it to my dad at least once by then.

When we got home, she told my dad that I started a fight with her and denied the suicidal threats. Oh, and then she tried twice to make me beg her to come to my graduation. She kept yelling at me that I "needed to give her an answer, yes or no, was she wanted at the graduation." I repeated over and over, "You were never uninvited and I've always wanted you to come." I didn't give in.

I don't know how I handled it. Better than other times? Maybe. I yelled a lot. More like, yelled over her a lot. But when I spoke, I was more careful with my words. I tried to validate her but also hold up boundaries. I hate that I felt that I had to yell.  I keep reliving this because it is one of the worst interactions I've ever had with her. I'm due to start working with a therapist soon because I need to get a grip on my anxiety. I need to talk to someone about this relationship and just the way anxiety, in general, is starting to dominate my life. I know this has a lot to do with it.

This is very hard for me. I'm 65 and faced with making stressful, major life changes soon (retirement, downsizing, etc.). I'm a professional and think I should be able to handle most challenges. I can't. Five years ago I met Carole and quickly fell in love. Happiness filled a void in my life. Loneliness found an elixir. But soon I saw strange behaviors - moods that would change quickly. Unjustified anger. Deceit. Lack of empathy. Selfishness. Lack of appreciation for things I did out of love. Twice a full-blown episode where her physical appearance changed, and once she dumped me in front of her daughter that she proudly had arranged our first-time meeting. A casebook study of BPD, although she has never been evaluated. Yet I was drawn back to her, time after time. Five years later and a history of literally dozens of dumps, usually 3-4 days disengaged, but over the years lasting up to six weeks. After two years, an engagement for marriage that went nowhere for eleven months. She lives an hour away, and would visit me on weekends, but I was rarely invited to her place, and a couple times turned away. But days later she would come back as though nothing happened. Since the engagment was broken off two years ago, we continue to see each other intimately. I discovered I contracted genital herpes. I'd been faithful to her. Our fun times together would be followed by her finding something about me to argue about, complaints about her lack of income, then the chronic distancing. Episodes became more frequent. Arguments more heated, and not restricted just to her, as I ended up probing her on line activities and writing things I am ashamed of. However, I refuse to apologize for things I did not do that she accuses me of doing. I react with horrible written expressions. Facts mean nothing to her. Accusations made without context. There has never been any physical altercation, but she literally stole the dog I purchased us during the engagement and left in the middle of the night, prompting the end of the engagement and a civil case where she got the dog but I got a monetary judgment that she has yet to abide by now over one year. I'm now in one of those periods again where she has distanced herself after a fun week's vacation that I primarily financed. No apologies from her. No thank you's for my generosity. I'm scared. I keep letting this go on because at my age I do not want to be alone. Usually when we are together we enjoy ourselves and have fun; it's a wonderful feeling which makes breaking off tht much harder. I can't imagine at my age finding someone to replace her, especially considering the herpes. I have major health issues, too. Diabetes 2. Back surgery. Nerve disorder causing drop foot. A stroke all since we met. Yet I continue to work. I continue to be active bicycling, working around the yard, beaching, traveling. I have a hard time seeing myself do those things alone although at times I've tried, like a solo trip to St Croixlast year. During some break-up periods I renewed on-line dating activity. I hate it, but it always got her back. I also have justification to believe at some point I will need support to manage daily physical challenges. I'd appreciate some insight, as when these episodes occur, I now feel a sense of relief but also fear. Oh, and I have sought free counseling through my employer's serrvices for the really rough times, had a one-hour phone session with Shrink4men psychologist, and even arranged for a joint counseling after the first year in which Carole walked out in the fourth session when the focus turned on her behaviors. She's also had a couple individual sessions with a therapist and always seems better after, but it is short term. She says she has no money to continue or seek help, but I dont think she want it or thinks she needs it. It's 1:30 am as I write this first post, an indicator that this is weighing heavily on my mind. Thanks for listening, support and any advice.

123..? I've known that I'm highly sensitive, but I didn't realize it was that high. I find it really cool and comforting that so many of us who have experience loving people with BPD are highly sensitive. It makes me feel less alone in two really big ways.