Many here have felt the exact same way, myself included.

Those that have stayed and created a successful relationship did so through better communication.  Your husband's outbursts come from feeling "less than" and insecure.  He reads your body language and just knows that everything will fall apart, because it always does.  That's the crux of the mental illness, whether it's CPTSD or BPD (both have the same symptoms and treatments, btw, so labels aren't important here).

Your job is to reverse that course by making him feel loved and supported.  And I know that's hard to see right now, with the way you're being treated, as an actual solution.  Once he feels safe and validated though, a lot of the symptoms lessen or disappear...because they feel more mentally stable.  It's a hard path but definitely one you can conquer if you choose that route.

Nobody here can tell you to stay or go- the decision is your alone.  Just know that these is hope when taking either path...you can get through this and we'll have your back.

It's possible that the reason your spouse hasn't been told about BPD is because many people with Borderline traits (pwBPD) are deep into Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  The mention of a diagnostic label - by a therapist or by us - could trigger the other into rejecting further guidance, especially at an early stage.

Therefore, many therapists will provide what therapy they can without specifying the details or naming the process.  So it may be that his therapist does know what therapies would be helpful for him.  It seems the new therapist does echo that perspective.

Yes, we all have issues, so don't feel bad.  The issue here is that your spouse's issues are not at the same level as yours.  BPD is a disorder with many acting-out behaviors, with a tendency to also harm others.  On the other hand, your tendency as a reasonably normal person leans more toward avoiding conflict and looking for positive solutions if possible.

This reminds me of an old saying, sins of commission versus sins of omission.  I'm not suggesting we compare them but there is a difference between them.  The impact of your avoidance tendencies does not equate to the impact of his acting-out tendencies.  Do not feel that your reactions have caused his discord.  Many here came to recognize that BPD (similar to NPD, etc) resists sincere attempts to find relationship solutions.  It is not your fault.

Thank you for responding! We have been together nearly 5 years and married for three this April. I have a 17 year old son and a 21 year old daughter from when I was married to their mom.

His rants last varying times. Some are short but some are long. I will typically stay for some until he makes me so mad or crosses a line. At that point he likes to throw in my face that I am an avoidant so “walking away is what you do”. I am an avoidant but I will not stay when I become angry or he begins to say things that are hurtful.

The therapist we are seeing does specialize in BPD, is certified in DBT, and is a marriage therapist. When I initially spoke with her, she was chosen because of her expertise, she said she felt he may have CPTSD. We have seen her twice and each time was worse than the first. She has briefly mentioned the BPD but nothing has been directly addressed concerning his BPD. Admittedly I have my own issues but I feel a lot of the issues we have in our marriage filter throw my husbands BPD. For example, when things get heavy I will walk away. Everything I have read says to not engage with BPD persons because it’s like arguing with a child, even though my husband is extremely intelligent. But then, as I said before, it’s thrown in my face that I’m an avoidant and walking away is what I do. It’s a hard balance.

He seems to get along with her and has actually shared more with her than our previous two therapist. Which, neither of them ever mentioned BPD even though they knew the behaviors. However, we both feel, and maybe we need to give it more time, that the therapist isn’t addressing things even though she has seen the vicious cycle of communication in regard to disagreements. We are wondering if a workbook or some sort of online classes may help. He tried Ketamine and we were so hopeful but it makes him feel physically drained the next day. He will occasionally take a very small dose when his head needs to stop spinning. He vapes THC daily to help his head as well. I know he will never be “healed” but wish so badly he could gain some relief somehow.

Hi,

I read your entire post and it pulled at my heart. I truly can empathize with your feelings of hopelessness and desperation. I’m a survivor of every type of abuse at the hands of my biological parents, who were both mentally ill and deserted me as a teen. I lived with friends until I was able to make it on my own. I’ve been in and out of therapy and on various meds since my twenties, and now I am married with two kids and able to lead a pretty functional and peaceful life. I am blessed.

However, both of my kids and my husband are affected by mental health problems. My daughter (14) was diagnosed with BPD in August after her second hospitalization this year. My son (9) like yours is level I autistic with ADHD. Some of his behavior patterns are consistent with BPD, but I am hoping and praying that is not the case and just a byproduct of autism. My husband was diagnosed with level I autism shortly after my son was diagnosed 3 years ago. Both kids and my husband regularly participate in therapy, which is focused on DBT for my daughter.

There have been many times that I’ve thought about escaping from what can be a chaotic environment. But like you, I love my family too much and choose to stay and fight for my marriage and my kids’ wellbeing. It is exhausting though, and at times defeating. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and think how unfair it is that I was raised by people with poor mental health, and now my own family is plagued by mental illness. I have learned to be kind to myself and allow myself to feel those feelings, but then I remember that they are just feelings. Although my situation is not ideal, I have God. My strength and hope comes from my Christian faith, which I did not take seriously until a few years ago. I believe in God’s plans. I know he didn’t bring me this far for no reason (Jeremiah 29:11).

I am so relieved to hear that you won’t follow through with the assisted euthanasia. I didn’t even know that was an option elsewhere (I’m in the U.S.). I can tell you love your son deeply and would do anything for him, but please love yourself as much as you love him. Your life is of tremendous value and you deserve to show yourself as much compassion and love as you show your son.   

I know how desperate you are to see your son healthy and happy. I feel the same way about my kids. As hard as it can be to acknowledge this, people make their own choices and ultimately do what they want. We can give them all the love, tools and support, but we can’t control them or force them to do anything. The only thing we can control is ourselves.

Try some small acts of self care to help cope - spend time with a friend, watch a favorite movie or show, go get a pedicure, start a hobby you’ve always wanted to try… show yourself radical self love!  Stepping away from the stress and drama for even a short period of time can do wonders for your mindset.

I will be praying for both of you.

I've been seeing this guy for a few months , we started as friends while he was going through a very dark times and while we were both in miserable and  in open relationships (his ex dismissed him when he said he contemplated suicide ). We both have bpd but I'm myself in remission for a number of years . While he has just been diagnosed (him seems to be on the quiet side) , I finished treatment years ago after 7 years and I've been feeling pretty confident in myself.

Things led to another and we caught feelings and broke up with our respective partner right away, not with the intention of getting together but because we realised that what we felt went beyond the frame of the open relationship. We decided we would go with the flow as he was moving abroad anyway and if ever things happen in the future, they will . Also I wanted to give him the space to focus on himself.

Because of his situation, I let him mainly come to me and very quickly, he started with the love declaration and gestures and I have to say I got blinded by it and that created some sort of expectations.

A few weeks after his departure, I came to visit  him and some other friends I also have over there and suddenly his behaviour changed half way through my trip, he split on me and wouldn't admit to it. Finally , he told me last night he didn't want to be intimate anymore cause he is overwhelmed with his feelings and guilt towards his ex and is convincing himself he cheated on her while they had this agreement. It's not the first time he brought it hope but it's the first time he was so distant.

I think it's for the best but I'm struggling myself and dunno what to do. We keeps speaking to me everyday and messages me first thing when he wakes up and goes to sleep.

I love him a lot and I know for me that this is no trauma bond and  I think he does love me too. I want to be there for me and give him the space but I'm struggling regardless.


How can I make him understand that while I agree, I do love him and want more without pressuring him and scared him away ?

I feel a bit stupid  but I do want to wait for him and explore what we have but I dunno if that makes me codependent by default, I'm just not interested in anyone else. My last relationship was seven years and while it was open, I never felt the need to have intercourse or date anyone else, this is the first time I ever did and I realise it's because I actually liked him .

How much gender affects bpd also?

I thought I'd be more equipped to deal with it but somehow I am not at all. He used to be very open and talkative and now it's very hard to get him to say anything and he gets annoyed at me constantly.

At times it can feel very lonely to parent a child with BPD. Parenting is hard in general, but parenting a child with a mental health problem is not only hard but extremely stressful and defeating at times. And BPD is such a volatile and misunderstood disorder - the general population knows little to nothing about it, I'm discovering. So yes, I can definitely relate to the loneliness. 

Hi outnumbered,
SO well spoken. Got me into tears. Realizing this is what it is. I can't go back. I need to protect myself. So much pain. Feeling erased. No good . The bad guy.
Hurts so much.

Thanks

Hello Sancho,

Thank you so very, very much for your kindness. Your outreach is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for the info about the blaming. I will look into that. You are 100% correct about that. She is always the victim. Everything is my fault. She says constantly that I "abuse" her, although my therapist tells me that I take a ton of abuse from her, without my realizing it.

I have stuck to my conviction that I will pay for transportation and help with a few months' rent. But I will not help her buy a car or do anything that will enable her to come closer to the family physically.

At present, she is in a shelter and wants me to give her a deposit for a car so she can live in the car. I will not. Not only for the reason above, but also because I am certain that she will get arrested very quickly for sleeping in it, and she is aggressive.

Like you, I have made arrangements for her when I pass. In fact, I may have to cash in a small insurance policy very soon, as I think the money will help her more now than when I am gone. There is not an unlimited stream of money available to her, and like many here, I am past my earning days...

I will likely stop giving her guidance, as that is not what she wants. It just angers her.

I stopped texting with her for one day, and it was such a relief. A day of peace.

My therapist says I have to come to a resolution about this for myself. Very difficult.

I wish you peace and calm, and thank you for your support and guidance.

Thanks again Sancho. I am very appreciative of your communication.

My sister and her family have not met my S3 in the two years since my wife got mad at sister and refused further contact (and they have never met my S1 yet). This is unacceptable, and I am ashamed because I have let this continue for so long already.

So I have finally arranged to have dinner with my sister's family this Friday. I have not told my wife about it yet. It has taken me a long time to come up with this plan and gather the courage to go ahead with it. Now I am absolutely terrified by how this is going to play out. I should be planning for some possibilities, but I have trouble concentrating when I try to think about it.

So I write out my plan and some concerns here, in the hopes I can get some suggestions and encouragement.

I am supposed to pick up our son from daycare on Friday. I will do that, but instead of heading home as usual, we head off to a nearby restaurant. There we will have dinner with his ant, uncle and cousins. Then we will return home.

I will let my wife know about this plan in the Friday morning, after he is already in the daycare. I will offer her the chance to bring S1 and join us for the dinner.

Some points:
 - leaving from daycare instead of home gives her less changes to sabotage
 - telling her late gives her no change to try and sway our son
 - I'd love the S1 to join but right now it is more important to just do something to start fixing things

Concerns:
 - will she be stable enough to be safely left alone with S1
 - will she try to go and collect S3 herself to prevent me from doing it
 - will she come to daycare / restaurant and demand for S3 to go with her instead of me, and how can I handle it if she does
 - will she ask me to move out, and is that a thing I can safely comply with (or safely refuse, for that matter)
 - how can I handle the blowout over the weekend
 - how do I actually tell her on Fridat and not be drawn into an argument, while also treat her respectfully?
 - should I actually tell her earlier, am I being unreasonable

Oh well.

Glad that worked out!

You have young children. This article would be relatable.

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html