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 91 
 on: July 02, 2022, 11:42:54 PM  
Started by tina7868 - Last post by Turkish
My ex compared me to her One True Love (who dumped her, then used her then dumped her) when we were dating. She wasn't capable of understanding how hurtful that was. Your ex is likely similar.

After she first broke up with me, she wanted to keep me as a friend because she was attached. It's confusing.

 92 
 on: July 02, 2022, 11:31:06 PM  
Started by HeWho - Last post by Turkish
HeWho,

She's delusional beyond belief and you need to get ahead of this and alert everyone in your life that you need to.

There's no reasoning with such delusions. Protect yourself.

 93 
 on: July 02, 2022, 09:56:13 PM  
Started by Hope4Joy - Last post by Outdorenthusiast
Feel confident that you are going for you to make you feel better.  There are online versions if you don’t want to “go” somewhere.  You can grow out of codependency and feel good again with CODA and a good therapist.  I did.  Be confident in yourself to get what you need and don’t feel bad about it.  If you can go to the dentist/Dr.  - church, baseball game, dance lesson etc - this is no different- but it is for you.   Get rid of the guilt of taking care of you.

 94 
 on: July 02, 2022, 09:50:36 PM  
Started by Couper - Last post by Outdorenthusiast
Earlier this week, S12 and I had our visit to the educational therapist.  He did really well while being examined.  I waited outside, but could hear a good bit through the door, and he was so good with her and her with him.  He went through about two hours of testing.  Still, I would say that she seemed a bit exhausted afterward.   

The testing confirmed serious problems with different aspects of his reading.  His comprehension was very good, but memory was exceptionally poor (0.1 percentile) and other aspects places him at 2 - 3 years / grades (depending on each test's system) behind where he should be.  He scores really high on things that are visual.  She is easing into retirement and wasn't taking on new work, but she said she has agreed to take him because she finds his case to be unusually interesting.

I was impressed with her handling of the whole thing.  She is suggesting a music therapy option and sent us home with materials to start.  It's new to me, but she says she has helped a lot of children by going this route and showed me records she kept reflecting that.  She was very specific about what options she picked.  S12 is not wild about it.  He has to listen for 30 minutes each morning, but he hasn't resisted and has been obedient with it.  The idea is that it reorders your brain to help with concentration and then once that starts to happen you can build out in other directions.

It was an interesting day.  We were there about five hours all total.  That was good because she got to see a lot of him in different situations.  Toward the end he was going out of his mind, bored to the point that he couldn't just sit and sketch in his notebook like he will sometimes do.

Because having taught my kids to read is uBPDw's big "thing" with homeschooling, and the test were principally reading-based, I knew reviewing the results with her wouldn't go well.  She did not meltdown and rage as I would have expected in the recent past, but she was not happy about it.  Dismissive of what was done, etc.  I just kept telling her that there's an obvious problem and the test results support the observation of those problems and it's not something that I will allow to persist.  Despite the face she put on, there is no telling what's going on in the background.

The ET wants to meet her and I'm thinking about allowing it.  I think she wants to see how uBPDw factors into this whole thing.  I'm thinking it's best to send her out there without me.  I've had enough time with the ET now and we really hit it off well.  If uBPDw goes out there all on her own, maybe she'll drop whatever act she puts on with me present and the ET can deal with the real her.  Who knows.  My being there would create a triangle, right?  My absence would prevent her from blaming anything that happens in the moment on me.  The ET said she has one more test she can give him (not essential) and I'm thinking of sending her out there with S12 and letting it rip.  I think it's more for the ET to learn about her than it is to learn more about him. 

   

Similar situation here and I finally transitioned my kids (D11 and D13) to public school.  Upon diagnosis, D13 has dyslexia.  Highly creative, good with math but stumbles on the reading portions and is behind grade.  It killed my uBPDw to transition, but I put my foot down as a matter of principle of “they need to live in the real world.”  She is credentialed primary and not middle.  So after a year of meltdowns, huge explosions, threats, and many other scary situations she acknowledges it was the right thing.  Went through some huge identity crisis for her during the last year - so be prepared when that time comes.  Getting help for the D13 now and it is working and reading is improving.  D13 and she were enmeshed and it was hard for both of them, but worth it.

 95 
 on: July 02, 2022, 07:38:15 PM  
Started by HeWho - Last post by ForeverDad
We all could have predicted something would change, maybe not as soon as the next day, but sooner than later.  It's a predictable, but also somewhat unpredictable, roller coaster.

She is already formulating allegations in her mind.  No way to predict when she will make allegations, but you can bet it will happen sooner than you think.  You need to keep your distance and protect yourself ASAP.  That means you reduce (if not stop) all contact and work with your lawyer to build enforceable legal boundaries ASAP.  Don't put it off.  It's a legal holiday Monday for many so do it Tuesday 8 am whenever the lawyers start work.  Tell them it's urgent.

 96 
 on: July 02, 2022, 07:36:52 PM  
Started by Couper - Last post by Couper
I'm fairly sure the ET will be watching for your son's subtle behavioral changes with her as compared to when you were there.

No doubt that you are right.  I could tell that she was doing a lot more than just paperwork.  I didn't know what to expect with him myself that day and left happy that he was a model son -- polite, obedient, generally happy.  If there's any shift, I'm sure she will notice it.   

 97 
 on: July 02, 2022, 07:33:38 PM  
Started by tina7868 - Last post by NotAHero
I have posted of the reversing board for all of my time on this forum, but this feels like a post more suited for here. Because I do want to detach, I want to stop obsessing and ruminating, specifically about the following concerning my ex with BPD.

- when the last cycle ended, and he told me he was seeing someone exclusively and wasn’t interested in me,, why did he tell me several times that she looks/reminds him of me?
- why did he start texting me again a few weeks later in such a distant way? In past cycles, he called to reinitiate contact (acting like nothing happened/he was into me again). Why did he even start texting me again when he said he wouldn’t/is involved with someone else and I clearly have feelings for him?
- Even if he is texting me which I guess makes me happy, is he just checking if he still “has” me? Is my only move to be distant and aloof? How long can that even last for?

If anyone has any thoughts/answers, that would be super appreciated because I’m tired of being in my own head. Yes I am trying my best to plow ahead in life, but it feels like these sticky points keep me tethered to the past.

 The “why” is easy, accepting the answer is difficult.

 These people are disordered, even when involved they cannot stand their own inner turmoil. If he texts you it doesn’t really mean anything. Could be that the new supply triggered them or they are just keeping you on the back burner as supply. They don’t know how to truly love or commit, they are not wired to do so. If you don’t have kids together, no contact is the way to go.

 98 
 on: July 02, 2022, 07:31:09 PM  
Started by Couper - Last post by ForeverDad
My son had an "in camera" interview with the magistrate and his lawyer, the Guardian ad Litem.  The decision stated simply he was less comfortable when his mother was discussed and more relaxed when I was discussed.

I'm fairly sure the ET will be watching for your son's subtle behavioral changes with her as compared to when you were there.

 99 
 on: July 02, 2022, 07:22:56 PM  
Started by HeWho - Last post by HeWho
Sadly, being nice and polite will just incite - or enable - her to make more allegations.

Have you filed for divorce yet?  As part of the filing, ask for all communications with her to go through your lawyer, no exceptions.  And absolutely no private meets.

Any way you look at it, any contact whatsoever puts you at some level of risk.

You do remember the torture she put you through in the last go-round, right?  And already there are more false perceptions ready to send you mentally and emotionally through the wringer once again.

JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) won't work, not when she has two claims for every one you try to deny.  Get some distance.

She was fine on Monday though. Idk how things shifted backwards so quickly. This just snuck up on me so I will be contacting one next week.

 100 
 on: July 02, 2022, 07:22:50 PM  
Started by B2 - Last post by ForeverDad
Regarding kids, typically the walls have ears.  They may not be that surprised.

Remember that you have a right to privacy and confidentiality - including the legal advice.  Your spouse has no right to interrogate you, demand confessions or pressure you to share your lawyer's legal advice.  Family courts and lawyers are there to guide the unwinding of the marriage.  Yes, expensive, but necessary in our sorts of protracted cases.

Remember this too:  You may feel you have to be fair and give advance notice every step of the way.  Reality check:  Your spouse will probably not be fair in return.  Expect sabotage.  You're read some of our experiences.  Court doesn't care whether either of you are nice or not, nor fair or not.  Too often being overly fair will give him an opportunity to sabotage you.  So all you have to be is just a decent reasonably normal person and protective of your own interests and the interests of the kids.

You've heard of TMI?  Too much information?  That caution starts now.  If you were trying to fix the marriage, then yes you both would share information.  If the marriage has failed, then all you share is legally required information and also necessary parenting information.  Period.  Follow lawyer's legal advice.

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