Please don't blame yourself. There is a genetic component to BPD but it's more complex than a single gene and as far as I know, there isn't one identified. It is more frequent in families but there isn't a definite pattern to it. To have two dauhters with BPD seems more like the roll of the genetic dice. We have no control over what genes we have or pass on.

Also, BPD was not known until recently and also, mental health wasn't discussed, so if there were relatives in past generations with BPD, we may not know about it. And- not everyone with BPD gets formally diagnosed.

While there is a genetic component to BPD, there is often a history of trauma- and it's the two combined that may lead to BPD. With two daughters- I wonder if there was some sort of family trauma that made them vulnerable to BPD. This isn't to blame you- you are not the cause of BPD. But perhaps there may have been the loss of a family member or some other stressor that added to their being prone to BPD?

Your task though - no matter how this happened- is to take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. Nobody can control what genetics someone gets and neither can anyone control all the stressors. Your first step for self care- don't blame yourself, and treat yourself kindly.

Hi,

Your story is very similar to a situation i went through. Back then he was my bf (now we are married) and it was pretty long term by then, 7years i think. Things triggered when i went to another state for higher education. He didn't oppose it outright ( and i didn't have any clue about BPD and abandonment issues) but he started to behave exactly like you are describing - distant, yet refusing to give up when asked.  This was followed by whirlwind of incidents, he cheated on me, dumped me, i tried and tried to fix everything, my mental health damaged, finally stopped, he came back blah blah.

Back then i didn't at all handle the situation properly. But now, looking back, i know what I should do differently.

The whole thing started off because he felt abandoned when i went to another state. For your case, i think her extreme abandonment kicked in when you caught her cheating.

1stly, the fact that i continued to send him texts regularly, had given him the assurance that i am still there and he can return whenever he wants. With this assurance, he tried to look for other options, such that if this fails, he has that, thinking that either way, he doesn't have to be abandoned. I don't think this is okay - to leave someone hanging like this. Since you have a good therapist, you can work with him and define a good boundary as to what your expectations are out of this relationship and what exactly she wants. At this point i am sure she is also confused, not totally willing to let u go because then she will be lonely, and not sure of you totally so she might be keeping her options open. But she has to decide. Work on a boundary with your therapist and try to assert it. She either has to be in the relationship, for that she has to do so and so, or even if she is rethinking and needs, say, one month off, even that has to be clearly defined. If she wants to continue, she has to come out clear as to what is bothering her, is there anyy  change she is looking for in the relationship? if that is reasonable, that can be accommodated. what are your needs? assert those.

"why do you ask" etc - all your responses indicate interest.

That's likely enough for her, at the moment - to confirm your interest.

Of course she doesn't respond to any of your questions. How did that make you feel?

So, for both of you, there is some continuing engagement of sorts. Is that what you want?

Hi everyone, just sharing my thoughts here today.

I am happy to say that my son's difficult period of dysregulation lasting several painful weeks is blissfully "over for now".  We are on the happier part of the rollercoaster ride 
I literally got down on my knees and prayed for a breakthrough.  I am fully aware that the roller coaster has not stopped.  It may never stop although I have these new thoughts going through my head that I would like to share and learn from others about.

This morning I started to wonder if there could be a connection to inflammation of the brain simply because of these periods of time that are so different from other periods of time.  The bipolar wave, the rollercoaster or whatever you want to call it.

Google's AI response was:
"Research suggests a link between brain inflammation and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), potentially due to factors like childhood trauma, stress, and altered inflammatory pathways. Brain inflammation, specifically in areas like the hippocampus, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex, may contribute to emotional dysregulation and impulsivity, which are core symptoms of BPD. A vicious cycle may exist where stress and inflammation disrupt limbic circuits, further exacerbating BPD symptoms and increasing the risk of inflammation."

My first question to AI was actually about Bipolar, and I also asked about PTSD and got similar responses to all three.

I remember when my son was young, I took him to a chiropractor who suggested that he should be placed on a restricted diet.  I wish I knew then what I know now about diet and inflammation. 

I distinctly remember a connection between certain foods and behavior.  One interesting one was that it was back when McDonalds served pizza and each time he had pizza from McDonald's there seemed to be trouble at school the next day.

I met a wonderful lady last year who told me that her nephew is managing his bipolar disorder extremely well by having changed his diet.

Does anyone else have any knowledge or experiences like this to share?   I would love to hear and learn more.

To all those who celebrate Easter - Happy Easter to you!

R

I have just joined here so still learning. I am looking for your advice on this current situation i'm in. So i am with this guy (uBPD) for 18yrs now and married for 4yrs. In relationship phase we didn't live together but after marriage, ie the last 4yrs, since we have started to live together things have become worse. Last year things were worst, and over several months he accused me and my family of several things, most of which are extremely inaccurate. His family doesn't know (and doesn't really care) about his BPD and they aided his behavior in all this. I have been struggling with my mental health for last fews years and at this point it has set very badly. I am into higher academia and the pressure of PhD has also left me drained.

Currently, i have joined postdoc and since it is in a different city, i talked and discussed with him before taking up the position and when he agreed, i took a rented apartment and furnished it with everything that costed me all my PhD savings. I arranged this just so that he and me can live together because after this postdoc, i may have to go abroad for the 2nd postdoc so for next 1 or 2yrs we may have to be long distance. I have discussed all these with him. He is not at all good with long distances. But to make our relationship work i compromised my Phd stream, postdoc, everything to stay near him. This current postdoc is in another city for not very far from our home or his workplace.

For last about 3weeks we went to our respective houses to take care of some family needs. One day in between we met up and i was late. This enraged him and he started to threaten that he wont stay in our rented apartment anymore. There's literally no connection between the two. So that day i cried for 2.5 hrs over the phone, tried to cool him down, requested him not to move out of our apartment (i felt so bad because i am the one who has rented it and bought everything to furnish it).. he then cooled down and said he'd rethink. Then everything was fine he was in good and 'normal' mood.

Yesterday I told him i'd return this Monday and asked him when he'd come back. He again started to say he won't go back. Apparently he's in good mood but just trying to frustrate me and 'getting back at me' for no apparent reason. He has always made me 'beg' for him to stay here, as if my getting a postdoc in a different (but still nearby) city was a crime. My friends from Phd went abroad for postdoc or atleast in other states in good institutions for their career. I have chosen among the only 3 or 4 institutes which were around our city. Even getting into one of these 3-4 institute of very hard, but somehow i managed.


Recently, i am starting to take more responsibility for my mental health. I can't really describe just how extremely bad my mental health is. I am highly sensitive person, also have ADHD,very low self esteem. Chronic stress has manifested into numerous physical symptoms like bad indigestion issues, very frequent allergies, miscellaneous nd severe body pains everyday, migraines everyday. There is no therapist here in my country who understands these kind of issues. I am trying my best to regain my health. Trying to read relevant books on these issues, trying meditation and art therapies for my mental health.

At this point I feel like i should take a stand for his behaviors. The series of accusation of last year have left me very damaged on the inside. All i have done is accept everything and say sorry because I can't deal with conflict at all, it impacts me very badly maybe because i am highly sensitive. So this time i decided that if he doesn't return to the apartment i will say 'we are done'...i don't think he will be expecting this, all he will expect is more pleading and crying on my part. I am trying to mentally accept the fact too that if he continues like this, we should really be done. And if we are to stay, he needs to take up atleast some bit of responsibility towards his behavior and towards this marriage. I shouldn't be the only one trying to keep everything together. Just to clarify, i am not really ready to move on.  We have been together for 18yrs and am still very severely codependent on him. But just want to put my foot down.

What are your views on this? I am afraid that if things escalated and we really break up. But honestly I don't know how else to bring a change in this relationship. If i approach by 'normal' conversation he will not even hear. Whenever i try to say something serious he avoids badly, he doesn't like any serious conversation. Previously, as i recall, i have given him ultimatum twice in two occasions long back and as i remember, it had worked both the times. What are your views on this? Is there any alternative? what are your experiences regarding this, esp regarding major changes that you could bring about in the relationship? how did you make it happen?

Thank you for reading. Any support would mean a lot.

Her birthday was in February—exactly a week before mine. So that topic kind of passed already. But something strange happened last week.

About 20 days ago, she asked for a pair of pants she had left in my car. I had left them with one of her family members. I also had a coat and a sweater of mine that I had gotten while we were together. She said I could take them back, but I didn’t. Because honestly, I didn’t want to.

Then last Friday, on the night of April 12th around midnight, she texted me. Before that, all our conversations were purely about Facebook ads, as I mentioned—nothing personal at all.

She asked why I hadn’t picked up my things. I told her I simply didn’t want to. Then she said the following (I'm sharing the exact messages):

Her: Why didn’t you get your stuff?
Me: Honestly, I just didn’t want to. It’s been a while anyway—why do you ask?
Her: I wanted to ask, but couldn’t. Never mind.
Me: Why not?
Her: There are many reasons, but now isn’t the right time to ask. Still, I was really curious. They were yours.
Me: Now I’m curious about all those reasons. Can you tell me?
Her: Replying to “Now I’m curious about all those reasons. Can you tell me?” Me, and the things I did.
Me: I think you can go into detail—we can talk openly.
Her: Just assume I didn’t ask. Never mind. I’m sorry for bringing up weird stuff in the middle of the night. Please forget it.
Me: You know I don’t forget things like that. I don’t think it was weird at all. You can ask—actually, I think you should.
Her: No, I’m really not ready to talk about these things—about myself, I mean. I’m sorry. It’s not the right time. I brought up a pointless topic and texted. I’m sorry.

After that, she kept messaging me throughout the week—again, about work stuff. But the small talk continued too, and she kept using heart emojis. I didn’t really sense anything from those messages, but somehow it all felt… real? Though I can’t be sure. Maybe it’s just her usual behavior pattern.

Hi kells,

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to be heard. You are right, I have always absorbed what he blames and my mental health situation has worsen very badly. It wasn't supposed to be like this. When i discovered that he has BPD 10yrs back, i had though that i'd be able to handle this but sadly i haven't. When we were not living together, before marriage, i had effectively placed boundaries, like regarding active communication over the phone and so on, and things were relatively better. But after marriage, when we started living together, last four years that is, things have turned very disturbed. Basically the marriage was decided pretty abruptly and amidst covid and i was at a difficult phase in my PhD too so i haven't been able to actively consider his BPD as well as my mental health. Currently I am at a very low phase regarding my mental health and in my country there isn't any good therapist who would understand these kind of situations. Still, i have recently started to actively work on my mental health. I will also more actively look into our situations in the light of his BPD.

Regarding where he rages, it's usually at home. I have tried the no-response at his anger but that too enrages him and he says 'you are purposely avoiding to what i am saying and insulting me'...i need to figure better ways of putting boundaries. currently i am going through some situation, i better post it in separate post maybe..

thanks so much again, it feels good to be included ❤️

I’ve been seeing this girl for around three years now with the typical problems that come along with a pwpbd like push/pull, hot/cold, some short term ghosting, etc. over those three years I’ve listened to her talk about how badly family, friends, and even ex treated her (she showed me screenshots of how badly her ex treated her and he was just flat out disrespectful to her) and how she was completely turned off and done with them she would block them on social media then unblock them after a few days and act like nothing ever happened.

Now when it comes to me she did things that she wouldn’t allow anyone else to do like I spent a ton of time with her family including on holidays, she trusted me with her son and I would take him on day/weekend trips when she had to travel for work. She never ever let any of her exes around her family or son alone at all, but when she would block me on social media it would be for months at a time Even though we were together in real life. A little over three months ago we had an argument and I did loose my cool a bit with her for the first time in 3 years but I definitely didn’t say anything I would regret and she ghosted me for those three months. A week ago she reached out to me again and showed up at my house, we spent the night together where she kept saying things like how much she missed me and all the little things I did for her over those three months. The next morning we went out to breakfast before she went home then she started acting a kitchen distant but nothing out of the ordinary, she was kinda dry with her replies but was sending me a ton of pics of what she was doing at work and even videos of her son. Then last night she sends me a text saying she just doesn’t feel a connection anymore (like I mentioned she’s said this about her ex several times) and how something I posted on Facebook (it was just a picture she had taken of me riding a bike the summer before that came up on my memories) few weeks before was done just to piss her off and blocked me on everything again.

I guess the part I’m confused about is why would she allow me to become so close with her and her family when no one else was able too, why do I get blocked for months on end, and why did she “loose the connection” with me over a picture I posted that had no malice intent to it. What makes me so different that I get treated so different then everyone else?

Hi,
I am new here. I have two daughters who have both been diagnosed with BPD. My oldest daughter is 30 and blames me for all of it. She went no contact with me three years ago, via a text message. I was absolutely gutted by this. I began to question everything that had ever happened as my children were growing up.
My middle daughter is 29 and she also received this diagnosis a few years ago. She is struggling with it and I’m trying to be her support system that she needs, however I’m always her punching bag. I’m frequently told that I’m never there for her, have never been supportive in her life ect…I recently moved to be closer to her. Uprooted my whole life and career to be there for her. We live on the same acreage and I’ve been seeing her every day which should be great but it’s not. I see her highs and lows. Her extreme bad choices…it’s killing me. She isn’t consistent with her medication and is often talking about suicide.
I can’t help but wonder if genetics play a factor in this as I have two children with this condition. I feel like I’m losing myself in the process as I can never defend myself or talk to her when she has taken advantage of my kindness.
Thanks for listening.

Glad you found this to be helpful!