Today I had a bit of a weak moment today and sent him this :
"I know you probably don't care about me anymore. I am just so confused at what what the truth is. I just want to have some understanding about what honestly happened and why. And maybe you dont know the reasons why youve done this again..but I just want closure so I can heal and move on with my life. Our relationship was more important than getting a phone call breakup. "
I know I shouldn't have messaged him.. I feel so weak and stupid. I have this need to understand what happened
Even though it doesn't change anything. Doesn't change how he treated me.
I just wish this wasn't true, that he didn't say all those cruel things after promising me a future.
I know he probably doesn't have the capacity to know any of the reasons. And I won't get any answers that are truly satisfying to any of my questions..
I don't think he has the introspection to know why he did this and treated me like this.
I'm mad that I willingly lead myself into interactions with him.. hoping for something different.
The rumination has been a terrible thing for me and my depression is weighing me down. When I sleep, I have nightmares of him (either I am searching for him like he's gone missing, or he's there but ignoring me or saying hurtful things)
I know he probably won't message me back (he did get the message so I'm not blocked)
And really I don't know why I even messaged him, other than wanting to stop feeling like this.
I don't want to get back together with him (unless he really gets well and grows up but still i dont know if ill ever fully trust him)
maybe I just wish I could be the one to breakup with him instead of being dumped all the time.. almost like a "you can't fire me, I QUIT" kind of scenario.
I just felt so powerless like always waiting for him to pull the next rug out from under me.
I have to remind myself of the reality of our relationship
And I know it may come off as a bit of a bashing session ( i truly loved him but that love was like rose tinted glasses).. but I romanticized and rationalized his behavior to a point that it was almost delusional..
He wasn't consistent
He wasn't honest
It wasn't balanced
His actions were hurtful
He abused my trust
He didn't appreciate me
He used me for physical and emotional validation
He held grudges and brought up old fights
He kept me at arms length
He made and broke promises
He wasn't mature
He didn't take accountability
He was passive aggressive and manipulative
He wasnt kind
He hasn't treated me as his friend in such a long time
He blamed me for so much
There was no emotional stability
There was no vulnerability
There was no safety
This wasn't a healthy relationship
It affected my mental and physical health
It tore down my self esteem
It created problems between me and others
It made me question my reality and feelings
It dulled my sparkle
I did my best
I took accountability for my side of it all
I always tried to be better
I was there for him and not myself
I wast a bad friend or girlfriend
I loved him and it blinded me
This wasn't because of me
This is a him problem
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and sharing your stories, it's alarming how similar everyone's experiences can be and yet comforting that I'm not alone in this. Your feedback has been so incredible helpful with my internal progress. This is also very helpful for me to recognize that this isn't how normal or healthy relationships should be..
I just worry I'll never find a love like that again and it'll just fail as painfully as this has..
"I know you probably don't care about me anymore. I am just so confused at what what the truth is. I just want to have some understanding about what honestly happened and why. And maybe you dont know the reasons why youve done this again..but I just want closure so I can heal and move on with my life. Our relationship was more important than getting a phone call breakup. "
I know I shouldn't have messaged him.. I feel so weak and stupid. I have this need to understand what happened
Even though it doesn't change anything. Doesn't change how he treated me.
I just wish this wasn't true, that he didn't say all those cruel things after promising me a future.
I know he probably doesn't have the capacity to know any of the reasons. And I won't get any answers that are truly satisfying to any of my questions..
I don't think he has the introspection to know why he did this and treated me like this.
I'm mad that I willingly lead myself into interactions with him.. hoping for something different.
The rumination has been a terrible thing for me and my depression is weighing me down. When I sleep, I have nightmares of him (either I am searching for him like he's gone missing, or he's there but ignoring me or saying hurtful things)
I know he probably won't message me back (he did get the message so I'm not blocked)
And really I don't know why I even messaged him, other than wanting to stop feeling like this.
I don't want to get back together with him (unless he really gets well and grows up but still i dont know if ill ever fully trust him)
maybe I just wish I could be the one to breakup with him instead of being dumped all the time.. almost like a "you can't fire me, I QUIT" kind of scenario.
I just felt so powerless like always waiting for him to pull the next rug out from under me.
I have to remind myself of the reality of our relationship
And I know it may come off as a bit of a bashing session ( i truly loved him but that love was like rose tinted glasses).. but I romanticized and rationalized his behavior to a point that it was almost delusional..
He wasn't consistent
He wasn't honest
It wasn't balanced
His actions were hurtful
He abused my trust
He didn't appreciate me
He used me for physical and emotional validation
He held grudges and brought up old fights
He kept me at arms length
He made and broke promises
He wasn't mature
He didn't take accountability
He was passive aggressive and manipulative
He wasnt kind
He hasn't treated me as his friend in such a long time
He blamed me for so much
There was no emotional stability
There was no vulnerability
There was no safety
This wasn't a healthy relationship
It affected my mental and physical health
It tore down my self esteem
It created problems between me and others
It made me question my reality and feelings
It dulled my sparkle
I did my best
I took accountability for my side of it all
I always tried to be better
I was there for him and not myself
I wast a bad friend or girlfriend
I loved him and it blinded me
This wasn't because of me
This is a him problem
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and sharing your stories, it's alarming how similar everyone's experiences can be and yet comforting that I'm not alone in this. Your feedback has been so incredible helpful with my internal progress. This is also very helpful for me to recognize that this isn't how normal or healthy relationships should be..
I just worry I'll never find a love like that again and it'll just fail as painfully as this has..
You would not be the first person to send a message and regret it Missygirl. We all understand the need to closure and answers, some little sign that they care or cared.
He wasn't consistent
He wasn't honest
It wasn't balanced
His actions were hurtful
He abused my trust
He didn't appreciate me
He used me for physical and emotional validation
He held grudges and brought up old fights
He kept me at arms length
He made and broke promises
He wasn't mature
He didn't take accountability
He was passive aggressive and manipulative
He wasnt kind
He hasn't treated me as his friend in such a long time
He blamed me for so much
There was no emotional stability
There was no vulnerability
There was no safety
This wasn't a healthy relationship
This could be from any of the many books on bpd/npd. It's actually good work to write this out and really accept it. I write things out in my notebook in the morning and it clarifies for me.
What you're saying is
*he is inconsistent = intermittent reinforcement
*he wasn't honest = he lied, evaded, misrepresented, withheld the truth, wasn't forthcoming
*it wasn't balanced = unequal openness, taking responsibility, investment, caring, forgiving
*his actions were hurtful = he hurt YOU, repeatedly, with his behaviors
*he abused your trust = took advantage of you
*he didn't appreciate you = took you for granted, didn't give you love back
*he used you for physical and emotional validation = was thoughtless and using you when he needed you
*he held grudges and brought up old fights = he kept score to keep you in a less than position, to punish you
*he kept me at arm's length = he withheld love and connection except when he needed it
*he made and broke promises = he is unreliable, and doesn't seem to care about it's effect on you (but probably requires reliability from you, and puts you down for not being reliable), his word is not good, doesn't care about how this effects you
*he wasn't mature = he's not emotionally ready for a relationship
*he didn't take accountability = huge one, nothing is his fault, all is yours
*he was passive-aggressive and manipulative = he does not communicate in a healthy fashion, and can't
*he wasn't kind = he uses words to hurt, doesn't show compassion if/when you need it, doesn't try to understand you
*he blamed you for so much = doesn't take responsibility and accountability, needs to offload blame, can't see his role in this
We cannot have a healthy relationship with a person who does these things. And they are all part of the toxic cycle, or if you prefer part of the relationship with a person with strong bpd traits.
I'll say it again- we cannot have a healthy relationship with someone like this.
I'l just say Missygirl, I experienced each and every one of these myself. And I'm sure others did too.
Lack of ability to vulnerable is a hallmark. One cannot have a real relationship with someone who can't or won't be vulnerable. And the inability to be vulnerable can lead to many of the behaviors above. My ex actually told someone, and I heard about it later, that she struggles with being vulnerable. And she showed all the behaviors above.
