@LnL, thanks for that last reply. For now, I'll say: I recognize that this is a long game, and I'm not seeking immediate relief. I am, however, struggling to identify the right proactive measures - to get out of the constant mode of reactivity. I understand that the best way to change the dynamic is to do just that - so as long as I remain in reactive mode, a large portion of the dynamic is likely to remain the same, even if I attempt to reframe or redirect or ignore...
Not sure why it often feels easier to reply to others than to address myself - but that's been a great thought experiment for me: How would I advise someone else to act if they were describing my circumstances. It's a bit of a blind spot.
All that said, an interesting development today that will almost certainly escalate things with my uBPDxw...
My X has been pushing for D13 (not D15) to take prozac. It took a while, but we finally found a psychiatrist accepting new patients late last year and completed intake. Today was the first follow up appt, and my X's agenda was: start prozac.
Why? X states that D13 has acute anxiety.
I don't see it. D13 has ADHD combined with normal 13yo girl behaviors.
Long story short, I was sort of dreading the appt because I expected that my kid was about to get prescribed an SSRI without a clear need or a holistic treatment plan.
Instead...
The doctor told my wife, your daughter:
- does not present risk of self harm or overt depression or esteem issues
- could benefit from more programmatic therapy - possibly DBT - to develop some coping skills, which fits with her ADHD executive functioning issues anyway
- is not you, and we need to assess her individually - rather than treat her based on what's worked for you in the past
My X was barely keeping it together. Her hands were balled into fists. She stood up and collected her bag at one point, but did not take a step toward the door. She was near tears. But the doctor held firm and proposed a course of action... which we will follow up on.
I have to admit that I was almost glad to see my X behave this way with the doctor, it's immature but there have been so few instances in which someone else sees what I see when X doesn't immediately get her way.
I pushed hard for the doctor to speak with D13's T in advance - after months, they finally connected yesterday. The T also states that prozac is not indicated.
I also privately sent the doctor a screenshot of D13's latest report card (mostly Bs) anticipating that X would exaggerate... sure enough, at one point X stated "she's failing at school". Again, showing the doctor who is reliable - or not.
X also offered to have the doctor speak with D15 (inappropriate - and another smoking gun re: how X engages D15...) and also with her fiance. Not sure how I feel about that...
Ahead of the meeting, I had a short call with X to try to pre-align. I stated that I'm open to SSRIs if the doctor says it's necessary. Instead of saying, "ok, good" X offered the following: "you don't see these acute anxiety episodes because I'm the safe parent, so D13 only shares her concerns and behaves this way with me"
While X didn't say this to the doctor (at least, not in front of me), the doctor asked directly: is it possible that this is a way that D13, middle kid, is getting more attention from mom? perhaps not consciously?
Mom didn't even hear the question. Too angry.
Amazing.
The whole thing reminded how critical yet difficult and fragile parenting can be - under any circumstances. I'm at once encouraged that I can occasionally, with a bit of anticipation and luck, execute at least part of a game plan. Not sure how this will play out - I expect some retribution from uBPDxw for what she surely perceives as a loss. And the thing that still kills me is: It still hurts to see her in pain. She says that she's worried about our kid (me too!) and she was incredulous that the doctor would not prescribe the drug that X had preselected for a diagnosis that she predetermined. She actually said "failing to take action now is negligent" so I'm concerned she might try to sabotage the doctor and start over... ugh.
On the other hand, bringing this back to D15 - It's even more complicated... I haven't followed up with D15's T yet - although I just finished the book recommendation, so that's next...