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 91 
 on: March 30, 2023, 08:25:21 AM  
Started by Busterbrot - Last post by tina7868
Excerpt
I realize the situation I’m in, and have tried multiple times to draw a line in the sand, but I’m not strong enough to follow through. Either she re-engages, or I become weak and seek her out. I keep saying “we’re done!” And helplessly wander back afterwards, which I know isn’t healthy for either her or me. I do believe she is sincere, insofar as she can be, and that we do have a special connection that has bridged multiple other partners that we’ve both had over the past 3 years, but maybe that’s a fairy tale. What is for certain is that I’m at a breaking point. I yearn for her texts and calls. Sometimes they come, sometimes they don’t. I am wondering if I just need to press the block button and commit to following through. I don’t know if I’m strong enough right now to just NC, as I will constantly be anticipating the next time she will get in touch.

I realize my attempts to end it have mostly been a controlling means to get her to come back, and it has worked to a degree, but is not healthy. We both seem to agree that we’re very special to each other, but we just go in circles and it is maddening.

I have a successful life and career, and for the most past think I’m on the up and up, but the fact that I’m engaged in this tells me that I’ve got issues that need resolved.

Do I block her and move on? I’m a helpless romantic who wants to keep hope alive, but I’m aware of the gravity of my situation.

Hi Busterbot! From what you wrote, you seem self aware not only regarding the nature of the relationship with your ex, but also regarding your own tendencies and patterns. That is very important when wanting to create change.

As Mutt proposed, there is an option in-between actively remaining friends and no contact: minimal contact with boundaries. How do you feel about this option?

You seem to oscillate between being ´done´ and wanting to hear from her. What if you accepted whatever your state of being was at the present moment, without judgement? That could allow for you to sit with your feelings, without the added guilt or shame of feeling like you shouldn't feel how you feel.

You also mention that sometimes her replies come, and sometimes they don't. I relate to how this can not only make you confused, but also, in a way, addicted. I've read about this type of dynamic being compared to a slot machine: sometimes you ´win´ with active engagement, other times you ´lose´ with silence. I can tell you that, short of disengaging all together, detaching from the outcome can do wonders. It is a practice of reminding yourself that her actions are out of your control, and all you can do is show up as a version of yourself that you stand behind.

There is a lot of exploring to do! Put yourself first, and learning more about yourself by asking yourself questions will yield positive results whatever the outcome is with regards to your relationship with your ex.

 92 
 on: March 30, 2023, 07:39:51 AM  
Started by 4love - Last post by 4love
Thanks so much for responding Kells 76.  I had read through the links you shared but I went back and reread them again.

Yesterday was a lost day- I wandered to to the edge of the abyss of despair and guilt. I read, reflected, processed, engaged in self-hatred and wallowed in guilt and grief. And I am sure I will do so many, many more times.

Was I a flawed parent- yes- I yelled, engaged in punishments ( if one considers time outs or loss of privileges  punishments) and invalidated. There was definitely inconsistent parenting as my ex and I did not and still do not embrace the same parenting styles. And  yes I need to add helicopter parenting as well. 

Current psych attachment theory and literature leans toward events happening during early childhood as the trigger. Frankly with the exception of helicopter parenting, the above behaviors occurred mostly during dd tween and teen years - as we were desperate to keep her from taking dangerous paths or self imploding. My dd has told me she has many fond memories of her childhood- much less so of her teen years.

I am baffled however- every single parent I know engaged in one or all of those same behaviors yet had different outcomes. Within families some kids aren't damaged by such behaviors and others are.

I am more than willing to be accountable for my behavior. And I am broken hearted that I could have in any way harmed my dd. 

But I am also furious. When she was in preschool her teacher was sensing red flags but she could not pinpoint a solid issue. That began a years long journey ( at this point 2 decades pus) through the system- early screening by the county, .evaluation by Kennedy Kreiger ( John Hopkins), speech therapy, evaluation by occupational therapy, vision therapy, switching to a pediatrician specialist in ADHD,  psychologist, therapeutic high school, etc. , etc. etc.

All along we, the parents, engaged in every way possible to try and help our daughter. At no time during the process did anyone in the system ever identify the true problem, or in any way educate us on our "wrong" parenting. This included the many parent group or family group therapies we attended during her time at a therapeutic high school. 

If there is to be "mea culpa" , the psych community needs to look in the mirror and address their own failures.  Why in God's name should I trust or rely on a system that is content to place blame on me when it has also failed and yet takes no accountability?

From the links you share this is what I believe is very often the case:  "Early caretaking relationships are significantly shaped by the child. This contrasts with the more widely recognized belief that parental interactions significantly shape the child. Thus, the easily upset, needy/fearful, hyperactive child who possesses the predisposing temperaments for BPD will pose special problems for parents. Such a child will benefit from forms of parenting that may not come natural to their parents."

How can these children be identified early on- or how can parent's be educated in the necessary forms of parenting BEFORE problems occur?   If I am not mistaken, the system that should do this,  is the same system that is placing blame on parents for not having the skills.

So yes- I have ended up where I understand I do not trust the system- at all. Will I engage with it- yes. I love dd and want very much to see her grow into a strong self-sufficient woman and thrive. I also want to develop a strong and healthy relationship with my daughter. 

I have found much help and guidance from all of the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" books.  We cannot bear responsibility for things we did not know. We can only reflect, process and adapt. 

I have come to believe that there are people who are gentle souls. They have profound sensitivities that make living in the real world difficult. They are our loved ones.


 



 93 
 on: March 30, 2023, 06:08:24 AM  
Started by madeline7 - Last post by Riv3rW0lf
Madeline7,

I can't remember and find myself wondering if you were in contact with your BPD mother before her passing?

 94 
 on: March 30, 2023, 05:18:18 AM  
Started by Mothy100 - Last post by Mothy100
.

 95 
 on: March 30, 2023, 05:14:23 AM  
Started by Trying123 - Last post by Trying123
A specific example would be when he picks on the way I say something. Such as when I wasn’t interested in watching a YouTube video he wanted to send me. I told him I wasn’t interested in watching it and he thinks I should have just told him don’t send it to me. I’ve already told him it bothers me and feels condescending when he does that. His response is that it’s my problem and he’s doing nothing wrong. So do I mindfully accept when he does that or do I set a boundary around it?

Through typing this out though I think I somewhat answered my own question. But I’m interested to hear more opinions!

 96 
 on: March 30, 2023, 05:09:34 AM  
Started by Mothy100 - Last post by Mothy100
.

 97 
 on: March 30, 2023, 04:59:24 AM  
Started by LastTrainHome - Last post by Notwendy
What I have learned from growing up with a BPD parent is this- if it is important to me, I can't have it be contingent on her.  So there needs to be a way the children are taken care of regardless of your wife's behavior because you can't control that.

The other aspect that can't be controlled is that small children in day care tend to catch colds and ear aches. It's actually a normal process of their building immunity and they are exposed to each other at school. I recall this being a concern when my kids were in day care and there were days that I couldn't bring them to day care. Money was tight for us too. My H had irregular working hours. He was the main wage earner so it was my job that was impacted by this and it did limit my career.

Day care is great but sometimes kids can't attend. Still, employers expect their employees to show up to work. I did choose to have some help with child care at home.  It was more expensive, but it also brought the security that I could show up for work.

It's also not for the long term. Soon, your oldest will be in school and the younger one shortly after that which will reduce day care costs.  So finances might be tighter for now, but starting a new job that you want, I think you want to do your best.

Do you live near any universities? I found that college age students were helpful babysitters. Younger teens have to be in school all day but college students may be able to work around their class schedule.

 98 
 on: March 30, 2023, 04:53:31 AM  
Started by NarcsEverywhere - Last post by NarcsEverywhere
My friend killed himself, and I got close to his mom, and she acted like a great friend, and she ended up screwing with me by playing on my abandonment fears, and other such things, and played the victim the whole time, and was super disingenuous, and then screwed with me a whole bunch during her own sons freaking memorial! And did so many confusing things, and acted like she was magically healed from the pain after the memorial and acted like I didn't matter.

I talked to my Dad about it, and he ended up supporting me a bit, and ended up being rude to me about it all, acting like my suffering didn't even matter. My sister couldn't even talk to me, and I had to complain to get that. My other friend ghosted, and only wanted to talk about himself, the neighbor acted like she cared, and so did this girl online I met.

Literally all of them pretty much had some version of narcissistic personality disorder. They faked caring and abandoned and screwed with me. Some used the suicide card to suck me in after. (didn't work)

But I shared my poems with his mom and my Dad, and my sister. None of them gave me credit for them, they just screwed with me for them, in fact his own mom said they were too heavy. I put my heart into those poems, and I feel so angry that these people treated something like this like that. I feel angry that they get away with crap like this.

Here is the last poem I wrote.

Okanogan Aaron
You may think you walked the Pacific Crest Trail all alone
But I'm right here with you, belated my friend
Teary-eyed, full of regrets
Too late is better than not at all

Did you see the soothing colors, smells of pine and dust
Sounds of the chirping fellows, and feel oscilating gusts
Did you find a needle of peace, in your old hay stack
And if so, did that detour your plans
Or did you view it as your final bird bath

Did you glaze your eyes over, and not see or hear
And not smell a thing, and only think of where
Was your mind racing, and complaining
As you walked your final path
Did you just do your deed, without a second thought

Remember how we used to walk all across the city
On adventures that children always know to do
We thought we were collecting neat new cards
But what we gathered most were those memories

So I visited the Okanogan Forest, and walked your last path
And found a native chief, doing a ressurrection dance
I humbly asked him to teach me, all his sacred ways
He hesitated, but I told him why, and he nodded okay

So I learned to pound a drum, and how to move in dance
I learned how to carve a totem, and how to wear a headdress
We smoked off of the peace pipe, in the teepee hut
I wore all their clothing, and learned the native strut

Before I set out on my mission, the chief look at me and said
Okanogan Aaron is bound to the trees, he's bound to the land
Even bound to the breeze
He's bound to the mountains, bound to the streams
Bound to the fires, and bound to our dreams

So I slowly carved a totem, that resembled your face
It also featured animals, I thought you'd embrace
I shrieked like an eagle, and growled like a bear
In hopes of calling you from the dirt into the air

I put on clothes of tradition, and sacred headdress
And danced through the day, and past the sunset
I beat my drum hard, until my hands bled
And chanted passed down songs, until my voice was dead

I collapsed in the dust and dirt, near the smoldering fire
I guess they dragged me to a bed, and nursed away the tired
I woke up from it all, and felt a vapid hole
Where you belonged, within my worn-out soul

I went to the chief, desperate and sad
And said it didn't work, my friend isn't back
He took his fist to his heart and thumped his muscled chest
And said he's back right here
Whenever you do Okanogan Aaron's, ressurection dance


 99 
 on: March 30, 2023, 03:49:32 AM  
Started by Newyoungfather - Last post by Don Gato
  @Newyoungfath,  sounds like she had a bit too much narcissist in her i.e. "wanted to hurt people"
Borderlines are the emotional lava lamps of the Cluster B Disorders, but not usually vengeful. I'll bet money your ex had comorbidity with NPD like mine.
I think Turkish mentioned "shame spiral" that is exactly what this is all about. NPD's go the extra mile to hurt someone close to them because they cannot accept losing control and feeling powerless. They have to remain superior to you. That is how the toxic shame inside made them who they are as adults.
Un-ironically my rollercoaster ride also lasted exactly 10 months too. Just be glad yours didn't try to destroy you with an unjust protection order like mine did, and trust me I've read even worse post discard scenarios than that. At least now we know what to look for. Heal and be well my friend.  

 100 
 on: March 30, 2023, 03:30:15 AM  
Started by Murray-Rose - Last post by Tulip277943
Hi Bogdan
I am also a twin (same-sex) and I suspect she may have bpd. I could relate to so much of your post, which I found comforting in a way. I suppose it’s because I feel very alone and misunderstood. I feel I can’t turn to anyone in my family about this as they just don’t understand. I could turn to my older sister but she doesn’t always help much since my twin can easily twist the story. The reason I am writing right now is because my twin and I got into an argument over nothing (which I’m sure you’re familiar with) and then out of nowhere, she absolutely lost it. I am very patient and am slow to anger but when these outbursts happen, I get so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. She starting yelling uncontrollably, was hitting her head with her hand, and telling me she was going to….herself. She reacted the same way before and each time, I’m always there for her: try to calm her down, hug her, etc. (Even thought it started with us being upset with each other)
I suspect she knows I always diffuse situations. I think she also knows that when she has an outburst, I’ll be there to calm her down. Well….it didn’t go that way tonight. Amidst all of it, she was looking around herself and I know it’s because she was looking for something to throw. Thankfully there was nothing near her. She won’t throw them at me, but rather a wall or something. There are a couple holes in the walls because of this. Usually after these outbursts and me calming her down, I feel such heaviness in my heart and I usually go off into a quiet space to cry. A lot. We live in a small home & we share a room & bed. It makes it a lot harder. I wish I could have my own room in times like these.
Moving on.. tonight I told her to leave the room and go outside to get fresh air. She didn’t handle that well. She doesn’t currently have her own car so she ran outside and grabbed my dads keys. I chased after her and told her to give them to me while she was yelling and telling me she was going to go and… herself. While she wouldn’t say it directly, she was saying if I keep talking, she would do it. I then get really upset and yelled and her and told her I would literally tackle her if it meant getting the keys. She said if I touched her, she would go off and do it. She told me if I stepped away she would give it to me. I eventually got the keys and then my older sister pulled in the driveway. My twin told me to not say say a word. So we went to our room and I told her this was the last time this was happening and that she needed to get help. I tried blaming the situation on me per usual and when I tried explaining my side, she said I was putting words in her mouth. She then said “I know I’m f-ing psychotic/ crazy” and she just kept repeating it. She told me that me telling her to go outside and get air was wrong and that I should’ve continued sitting in the chair in front of her while saying nothing at all. I tried explaining to her that when I experience things such as tonight, I just can’t sit and do nothing. I told her to put herself in my shoes and try to understand why that would be unrealistic.
This situation is just so absolutely difficult. She said I should know how to deal with this by now but I had to explain (while crying) that this isn’t something anyone could ever get used to. I’m not an emotional gal but the thing that gets me is my family/ loved ones. I care so much but they think I’m emotionless at times. It breaks my heart when my twin speaks to me and get so upset for no reason at all. I have to tiptoe around her and watch what I say constantly. It doesn’t matter who we’re around, she will tell me off. And the other person doesn’t understand/ may side with her because they don’t understand how she is. It feels so suffocating and alienating.
I know she needs help and she knows too (thankfully) but I told her I need to tell someone even if it’s our sister. She got mad again and told me that I have no right to share what happened. I explained I was just going to say we should get help. The both of us. Individually and together. She said I had no right and that she can do it herself. And then she just went to bed. So now I’m awake next to her dealing with the aftermath. All of my unsettled emotions, frustration, sadness. I’m a pretty optimistic person but I just don’t know what to do when this happens. I usually pray, and tell myself everything will be okay. I know I will be okay but I still worry for her at times. I love her so much but she hurts me a lot and she doesn’t see it at all. She blames a lot of her doing on me and has even convinced me it’s my fault. I reflect back and know it was not. I know it was manipulation and gaslighting. I have even apologized to her before too (when it wasn’t my fault). I just don’t know if I’ll be able to be apart from her for a while. My older sister will probably move out soon so it’ll just be me, my twin, aunt, and dad. I usually keep all this to myself. I’ve never shared this with my aunt, and have only briefly talked about it with my dad a couple times. I would tell my mom and she would definitely side with me but it’s also an issue cause I suspect my mom also has bpd/ bipolar, etc. She would easily lash out and get mad at my twin & my skin wouldn’t handle that well at all. (My mom thinks she perfectly normal which is another issue. My twin has some resentment against her as my mom is ignoran/ manipulative and put her in anger management as a child) My dad has mentioned moving out of state & I know it would be the three of us. I’ll have to wait til I finish school and find a job until I can move out. I wish it wasn’t this way but it is. Maybe this type of thing happens for a reason. Although it’s not fair to us, maybe our twins need the other half who is stronger. To teach them things. But it’s at the price of our own sanity. I have never shared this much before, even with family so thank you for reading.

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