I wasn't saying to seek sole custody, but with a history of your spouse's lack of involvement in parenting, at the least you could seek (1) majority time and (2) some level of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.

Some here have even sought to split the custody between the parents.  For example you could seek responsibility for schooling, athletic pursuits and mental health needs, while your ex could have some other less crucial aspects.  After all, you'd probably be providing transportation and paying for the costs, right?

I myself was stuck with alternate weekends (my county apparently always defaulted to temp orders with automatic preference for mothers).  Even when divorces took some two years as mine did.  For many of us those quickly issued 'temp' orders were far longer than temporary.

My lawyer had warned me a CE could negatively hurt me.  I bet my lawyer was stunned when he read the initial report of my custody evaluator, a child psychologist.  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  So I walked out with Shared Parenting, equal everything.

But the obstruction and sabotaging continued.  So I went back and was granted custody but denied majority time.  Yet the obstruction and sabotaging continued.  So I went back again and due to her (1) disparagement of me and (2) incidents with my child's elementary school I finally did also get majority time.

So a motto we have here is to seek the best outcome possible, using time-tested strategies, then return to court again when you have enough documentation to merit an improvement.

Most of us had very possessive mothers to deal with, quite tough.  Yours seems different, preoccupied with other priorities... so another thought to consider is that regardless how the final decree turns out, your ex may gradually revert to her old pattern of minimal parenting.  Don't complain or insist she do more than she's comfortable with.  (Most people want to look good in public so she may angle for an outcome making her look like an involved - good - parent yet in time return to her prior comfort zone and leave much of the future parenting in your hands again.)

Lots of ideas in this thread.  You may not remember all the strategies and collective experience so periodically come back and browse your threads to recall points that make more sense when your memory is refreshed.

When, this last discard? To be honest, nothing at all unique. Calling her out on something she did that would be totally disrespectful to any normal human. So, thats it. If I EVER said how I was hurt by her, I would get discarded within a few hours.

Day 3 NC

Kiara I hear your mom's voice here.  Be curious... ask yourself what makes you use the word "freeloading"?  Where does that even come from?  Within weeks after our babies were born, we opened an account for them to be used for university.  Many (most?) parents will support their children financially where the goal is to get a post-secondary education - if they are able to.  That's called support.

Can you see how " financial support" vs "freeloading" are two very different ways of thinking? One is positive and one is negative. Call it a paradigm shift away from freeloading and towards receiving "financial support", which is a much more positive and self-affirming perspective.

This is so wise.  You are not responsible for your mother's feelings.  Your mother is!  She is an adult, and she can "self soothe" if she needs to.  It should never be our job to caretake our mother's feelings, or shape our behaviors or decisions around their feelings.
So there's a lot to unpack there about why the "constant calm" you mention is making you more anxious and stressed.  Can you tell us more about that?

A few years ago, I needed a boundary from my mom, who I was "caretaking" (she was in her 80's and I was retired).  My "boundary" was going back to work from retirement, which I did for me (mostly to feel safe).  If I was at work, mom couldn't demand me to help her. She criticized me regardless of how kind and helpful I was, barked at me, was mean to me, and it was never "right" or "enough". So by returning to work, I "got away from her". She accused me of not loving her if I wasn't available because I was at work.  Well Kiara, I can tell you that transition back to work and away from mom was H _ _ L. Mom raged at me and said terrible things.  I felt like a terrible daughter.  But I'm not a terrible daughter.  I've actually been a great daughter, although mom doesn't see it if I'm not meeting her immediate needs. These feelings of "not being enough" are something I'm still working on.  Now, two years later, I don't feel the guilt the same way I used to, and I don't feel the stress about not having the same contact with her (well sometimes I do, but it's not as intense and doesn't last as long).  I guess my point is, I believe these feelings you are having right now can get better with time and space.  The feelings are temporary.  It won't always be like this.  There's lots for you to be hopeful for.  And I'm so glad to hear you have a supportive dad.  It sounds like a safe place for you to live (I'm hoping I've got that right), and you're on your way to a career path which will lend you different kinds of opportunities and financial independence.  I find I can think more clearly when I'm not in the eye of the hurricane ( my mother).  And it's fantastic you also have a psychiatrist.  

I'm sure his ex wives asked him too, and he may have, a little.  I'm not sure.  But it continues to be an issue in our family.  I feel like he needs to hear it and no one but me is willing to say anything about it.  But agreed, telling him to get help will likely not go over well.  UGH.

Everyone knows they can be impulsive.

She would come to be with the next new idea because she wasn't happy with what we had.

What we had was a promising life. 

Here comes and idea and it has gaping holes in the plan, then I would point that out, then I became the person who controls everything and the stick in the mud.

I resented having to do that.   

What choices do you have when it's an expensive financial option.  Just jump in and then go OH look that was a mistake.

I had to do that for years.   Going through what study se wanted to do at university (three times) what career she wanted, houses,  etc etc etc.   

The second guessing themselves is a nightmare.

Anyway...

Now she ripped away the future plan which we had been working towards for years and was a couple of years away from obtaining it.   

All the security went.   My finances snapped in half.

Had to sell our house.   

What to be grateful for.    I couldn't have continued in a relationship where she was increasingly becoming controlling and distant.  It's better it happened now than when I am older.   

What is happening is I think...  I seem to be ruminating over plans.  I don't have a window of time to make a mistake.

I am not sure what is a mistake anymore.   I don't trust myself.

I really don't want to make any decisions.   I would like to just have a life for the next five years.   But I can't do that because I am sitting in a rental house, and they charge heaps of money.  I work and waste my money of a house that isn't even very livable.

I look around and women in my country have no home.  There is no houses for them to live in.   They are sleeping in their cars with kids sometimes. 

I feel ungrateful that I have a roof over my head and have a chance to build something new.

I feel I have bad anxiety and trauma from the past and my relationship.   

I have to make decisions in that state.   Because if I don't make one now than it can impact on me in 7 years' time when it's important, I made a good decision. 

I don't know if anyone understands the part about being with a BPD and their indecisions / decisions.  How it feels to be responsible for checking every decision inside and out because they didn't. 

Or making a decision and it doesn't turn out then they let you know about it.

I don't know what it has done to me, but I just don't what to make any more decisions.

I don't even know what I am talking about LOL.   

I am not good.   I am just trying to find the reason and an answer. 


















 

(  In September 2023, the site was hacked. No personal data was exposed, but the hack impacted the "bones" of the site -- a lot of functionality. Even though the "edit" button for general members sounds like a simple feature, it was impacted at such a level that it will be a long and complicated process to get it back up. If you ever need assistance with editing a post, don't hesitate to PM a staff member and we can help. Sorry it's been such a hassle)

Wow, that sounds exhausting.

Good to hear you're more willing to decline to participate. You're right -- everyone involved is an adult, and adults get to manage their own relationships, even if they manage them poorly.


How does he tell you? Phone call? Text? Email? In person?


Good validation beginning.

Sometimes, when we validate and then say "....but....", we inadvertently invalidate. To my eyes, there are two ways forward, after saying "I am sorry you had to feel like that, it must be tough."

One is... to end it there. There's no requirement that you explain to him that you aren't intervening any more. You validate "gosh, that would have been hard" and then... leave it in his lap.

The other is... not to say "It must have been tough, but I'm not helping any more" -- like you mentioned, instead of him cooling off because of feeling understood, he instead winds up because of the (possible) inadvertent invalidation of "...but XYZ". If you really think you need to add an explanation, it could look like:

"It must have been tough to feel that way. I'm not able to say anything to Mom; what do you think you'll do?"

That avoids the "but", makes a statement of your boundary, and puts responsibility back in his lap.

For me personally, I'd lean towards option #1, but () depending on your personal values and willingness to engage with him, perhaps #2 could work.

What do you think?

...


Have your parents made any legal decisions about who has power of attorney, etc?

Thanks for the suggestion. I've got one of the best divorce lawyers in my area, and she has repeatedly told me the courts here never do anything but shared custody unless one party doesn't want custody. I've been talking to the lawyer for years about this, starting in 2018 or so when my partner first began to abandon the family for a lover (which the children were very aware of) and then later when I found my youngest child playing in the street outside when my partner was passed out drunk inside.

I've had friends and neighbours offer to be character witnesses and state that I have been the primary caregiver, but the lawyer says it just won't make a difference and will likely make the situation worse with my ex. (And cost a ton of money.) So it just doesn't seem like a viable option and may in fact harm the children more.

It's a terrible situation. The only real option for sole custody appears to be if the older child asks for it, as he is old enough that the court would likely respect his decision. He's aware he has a say in things but so far is reluctant to make that sort of decision, which is understandable.

I second wanting the edit feature back. 

My mom is also like this.  Very rigid.  It is a bad idea to tell her in advance when I'm coming, because if I'm late, or I have to change the time, she's suspicious or it can become a VERY BIG COMPLICATED DEAL.  So now I just drop in unannounced, and since I have gone LC (for me it averages once/wk), this seems to work.  She often has things "lined up" to ask me, or for me to do.  But before this, "changing" a plan just became too much of a problem.  Eg..."But you said..." and then the guilt trip would come. 

I also appreciate that you said:   I can relate and I'll bet most of us can. Although I don't freeze so much when my H asks me something, I always freeze anytime anyone inquires about my mom. It doesn't matter if it's an intimate friend or a distant acquaintance or I hardly know, or a family member.  It just goes to show how "conditioned" we were/are to being fearful of our mothers... and how we learned to watch what we say because the consequences could be severe.  And how even when we are in a safe environment all these years later (with your husband or my friend), we still have the "freeze" and fear response. 

I think you have raised such an important point here NW.  I am constantly looking for ways to grow and move forward and get past all the fleas holding me back.  I think this conditioned response is something I will bring up with my T.  I just don't know how we "unlearn" that response since it seems to be drilled into our nervous system.  It's a problem for me, because in a small town, everyone likes to ask about her, and I know they can see the "freeze" on me, but they don't know what it means.  The freeze (autonomic fear) response is hard on me, as I'm guessing it is for anyone.  Fleas.  I don't know who mentioned fleas on another thread, but I've borrowed the word because it just fits so well. 

Hi 1charming1,

My dbpdw historically binge drank excessively. Once started she couldn’t stop until she vomited and passed out. She was according to medical records fitting the description of an alcoholic. However, I don’t believe she has ever been addicted. She has tried to become addicted to nicotine but can’t which I as an ex smoker find utterly ridiculous but it’s certainly true. Of course my wife’s inhibitions were lowered whilst drunk like anyone’s would be, but worse because of how much she would drink and she would be unable to walk and talk properly, putting herself at risk. She also had no concept of wanting to keep herself safe, that alcohol poisoning can kill for example. She is now 30 with 3 small children and rarely drinks, she still drinks fast when she does, but I have to say she has grown up lots in the past 10 years.