Hi adaw,
I have run into a hellhole with not jade you never react to anything you are such a ... .Now what?
sounds like you are successful in taking up the gauntlet and stepping out of the circle of mutual invalidation
. But of course our partner with BPD does not seek conflict for nothing - getting into a fight provides desperately sought out validation helping them to regulate their upset emotions. It is just a very dysfunctional and for us painful and ultimately sick way to go about solving your personal balance problem. Not getting a fighting reaction from us is frustrating. Not getting any reaction can be infuriating.
The healthy way out of the emotional balance problem would be seeking some calm environment, going for a walk, workout or self validation. But it is so much easier to step on your partners toe and get a fight going.
Changing behavior can be very, very hard. It takes effort and practice. It is often easier to escalate and create a bigger drama than change your ways a.k.a. extinction burst. When working with boundaries it is not uncommon to encounter them. Sounds a bit like your wife switched to a different form of game playing - not getting a fight so start an aggressive meta discussion hoping for a fight there. Don't underestimate the inventiveness - there is a huge pressure driving the pwBPD.
There are two ways out of this:
- Validation, considering the agitated state of the pwBPD it may be worth putting extra effort in somewhat raised voice, upset face muscles, posture etc... "You really are extremely upset about X". Not escalating but meeting them somewhere halfway.
- Walking out for a limited (and best also announced) time - after all we also have a right to be upset - and thereby removing excuses that it is us driving it. Eventually and then more frequently a healthier path (see above) - the only one left open - is taken to regain balance.
You are working on establishing different rules for fighting (after all there always will be conflicts so no point in avoiding all of them). You have achieved some change already by upsetting the old status quo. Now it is time to establish new patterns.