feeling like nothing will ever change

[rhapsody4]

  Year after year,Nothing seems to ever change with my 25 year old son.  I am losing myability to cope with him. I am worn out. I have nothing more to give to this child.  I am just so despondant and sad and anxious all the time.  His misery frightens me.  I am worried that I will become ill myself.  I don't want to come off as the victim and I know my son is not doing anything on purpose- I just can't take it anymore.

Any suggestions would be helpful

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

I have felt the same with my 26 year old daughter.  I am sorry that you feel so helpless and hopeless right now.  I am new to this site also, but have already found inspiration in reading others stories, help from the tools and lessons, and most of all support and comfort that I am not alone in this roller coaster journey with BPD.  My wish for you is that you will find the same---you are not alone.

[Being Mindful]

Hi Rhap, 

I'm glad you found us but so sorry to hear how tired and worn out you are. It's hard to be in this place when our own children seem to drain us from joy and happiness. The worry too is so great and it just seems to never end. The good news is that you are here and seeking support. We are a great group, helping each other to get through this.

Is there a little something for today that you could do for yourself to take care of you. It can be something tiny, but anything to put yourself in a place of caring for yourself. We advocate self-care a ton around here and we want to help.

I'll be back in a little while to check back with you but for now I just wanted to say hi and 

Being Mindful

[jellibeans]

dear rhapsody4

I hear you sista! We have all been there before and I don't know how to stop the worry all together but I do think it gets better over time. Have you read any of the articles to the right in the side bar?

Can you tell us what are the three top challenges right now for you regarding your son? I think if you can break things down into smaller pieces then it won't be so overwhelming. We are here for you so hang in there!


Change your attitude:

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" -- having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrusting, intolerance, confrontational, defeated... .   Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time and balance our intellectual and emotional mind. Read more... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

Resentments are often justified - but are they helpful?

So how does a little venting hurt us?  When we are resentful, we try to balance the wrongs we feel by justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining ourselves.  We may pull rank, cut them off, or refuse to listen to them. We can shut the door to communication with them which engenders anger and further resentment all around. Do we cling to a futile need to be right or be superior, which overrides our capacity to heal and to make healthy changes.  Are we getting consumed by our anger, or are we using our anger productively as a sign, that something needs to change?  Read more... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0

Ease your pain by re-framing your thoughts:

Three Minute Therapy distinguishes clearly between two very different types of difficulties: practical problems and emotional problems. Your flawed behavior, unfair treatment by others, and undesirable situations, represent practical problems. Regrettably, your human tendency is to upset yourself about these practical problems, thereby unnecessarily creating a second order of problems — emotional suffering. Read more on The ABC Method of The Three Minute Therapy by Michael R. Edelstein, PhD

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137440.0

Get out of the FOG

Susan Forward, PhD coined the acronym FOG to stand for fear, obligation, and guilt - three vulnerabilities that an emotional blackmailer manipulates, and 3 vulnerabilities that most of us can't figure out how to escape.These are normal, often helpful, feelings can be debilitating if we can't recognize when they are being manipulated.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Believe in yourself

I think believing in yourself means knowing that you are doing the right thing. As easy as that sounds, sometimes it can be a struggle.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

[Thursday]

Hi there and welcome to the parenting board.

I went back and read your other post and can see from your description and your concerns that you are dealing with a lot.

Seems like things are stalled and not in a good place.

I know one thing that helps me when I am miserable and feeling stuck is to make a plan and write it down. I try not to bite off more than I can chew and also, try to be kind to myself and not expect more than a baby step at a time.

For instance, If you son is not working I think a good first step is to make a plan of action for finding a job for himself.

It is important to remind ourselves that when we don't at least try to get our BPD kids moving they tend to loose a lot of ground (their self esteem goes down and down or they become beligerant and entitled, or they self harm)

not to mention what doing nothing can do to our own peace of mind.

Please tell us more of your story so we know what you feel like you need the most help with. The tools really do help but you can't "fix him" in a day! Baby steps... . things can get better one little bit at a time.

Thursday