Trivial matters like surprise gifts..

[thankful person]

My wife always finds Christmas and birthdays very upsetting, she gets excited like a small child, but then a single present which she perceives to be not good or not what she wanted, and (in her own words) “the day is ruined”. She is then insufferable all day.
When it was her birthday, my mum arranged directly with my wife’s hairdresser that she would pay for her next appointment as a surprise. Mum  wrote something in her card like, “you will be getting a surprise.. all will be revealed..” The problem is, my wife thinks it will be THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER. And then it’s not. She wants surprises and expects them. Like she always thinks I will have arranged an amazing holiday or bought many expensive gifts when she knows I don’t have the money for it. In the case of the hair appointment, my wife went on and on at me about mum’s surprise present, until eventually I chose to tell her what it was to stop her going on about it. And then she refused to accept the gift. She was also angry at me for getting in touch with her hairdresser and passing on her details onto Mum. When I told Mum, she texted me, “I give up”.
Last week a few small items arrived which I had ordered. Our older child is going to be turning two so I bought my wife a card from her, happy birthing anniversary and a diamond boobies breast feeding milestone thing. She keeps going on about what these gifts are, saying she can’t forget about them and wants to know, and is it to do with weight loss milestones as that’s too much pressure on her. I’m getting so frustrated. The other evening I was secretly getting the child to scribble in the card and (so cute) she says “thank you” every time I give her a new coloured pen. I was so nervous my wife would hear her. I feel so sad that I have to worry about my child saying thank you and my wife hearing.
How do I handle it when she starts going on about the “surprises” again? I told her it’s only small things. I don’t want her to get her hopes up, she’ll be disappointed when she was never to know she was getting anything, but she’s always home, so anything that gets delivered, she knows about it! I do want it to be a surprise, it’s only a few days until my daughter’s birthday.

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[mitten]

People with BPD traits always need to be in control so it's impossible to surprise them!  I often till my wife (in a playful tone) I can no longer surprise her because she asks too many questions!  For instance, I can't run an errand to get her flowers or a gift because she'll call me several times when I'm out and ask me where I am or when I'll be home. 

Christmas shopping is always fun...because then I can really tell her not to call me and I'll be home in 3 hours (which includes time for me to have a beer by myself at a bar in silence... haha).

[NonnyMouse]

Gifting is the Love Language of my uBPDw I think. So giving her a gift is filled with all sorts of meaning. Last week I and my daughter gave her a surprise gift (from my daughter, and chosen by her, but my idea). This led to anger from my wife accusing me of manipulating her and a reminder about the divorce. All in front of my daughter who never got thanked for the gift. She has now hidden the gift away. It was a terrible and confusing message for my daughter.

[mitten]

Gifting is the Love Language of my uBPDw I think. So giving her a gift is filled with all sorts of meaning.

I'm skeptical of gifting being the real Love Language of a BPD spouse.  Mine claims it as well.  But she never likes what she gets from anyone, unless it's money or something she specially asked for.  Like the EXACT model or color of something she wants. 

[thankful person]

Mitten and nonny mouse, thank you, good to know I’m not alone, I totally relate. My wife has responded terribly to gifts I bought from our babies, they’re too little to choose or anything yet but I hate to think she would do that when they’re older but I think she would be exactly the same. She wants hundreds of presents but is never satisfied with them. I had forgotten actually that today was our seven year anniversary since I left my ex for her. Which apparently she had wanted to celebrate but we didn’t. She said she hoped the things I bought were for today. But now she’s convinced it’s to do with nearly losing 1.5 stone weight loss. So ordinarily I’d think yay fooled she’ll be excited and surprised.. because she said last year she felt birthing anniversary should be celebrated so the poor kid has to get her mum a present on said kid’s birthday.. anyway I went along with it with breastfeeding milestones as the theme so last year it was golden boobies this year diamond.. dont ask! She seemed surprisingly pleased with the gifts last year, actually probably one reason I wanted to do it again. This year she’ll probably be like, that’s not a diamond it’s just some glitter.

[kells76]

BP, a funny/strange memory came to me when reading about how your W doesn't seem to appreciate gifts from you, your mom, and the kids.

There's a substantial homeless population in our neighborhood -- not as intense as some other cities, but large. Whenever we go out for a walk, there is a 110% chance that we will see multiple homeless people, right on the sidewalk, often some familiar faces we see over and over.

DH said we should give a blanket to a certain woman we see often. I see her over and over unable to manage what she is given -- leaves her clothes on the street, doesn't take her stuff with her, etc. So I was like "she's just going to throw it away or use it once and then leave it". DH said that it's not about that, it's about us, do we want to be the kind of people who would give no matter what.

That hit home to me.

I wonder if finding assurance within yourself about who you are and what kind of giver you want to be, would change anything in your dynamic.

What would it be like if whether you wanted to give, to be a giving person (and to what extent), to be a mom who helps the kids to experience the joy of giving... what if that were the most important thing, and the way she responded was secondary?

Curious what your thoughts are...

[thankful person]

Kells that is a beautiful story and sentiment. I have always felt like I need external validation, like I want to put a picture on Facebook and say, look what I bought my wife.. a beautiful bracelet with a bead with a photo of her with our baby.. as though I need other people to say, what a wonderful gift, to make it ok that I made such a stupid choice. I feel so angry with myself. And it’s so silly because I know that’s what people would say, what a wonderful gift.. I don’t know how I could teach my kids to appreciate the act of giving when my wife potentially could make them feel so rejected too.

[kells76]

I've actually struggled with giving nice gifts; my sisters can do so way, way better than me! It's not my strong suit. So, in my own way I also have some "extra" work to do inside of me -- "OK, can I be alright with however this person receives this gift, knowing that I did my personal best?"

It's also not surprising to me that you would want some recognition for the thought you put in to selecting lovely gifts. You aren't getting it from your W and so you would like someone to notice that you were caring and generous. Of course that feeling would be there.

I think there can be healthy ways to participate in interactions with others where they validate your thoughtfulness. I can imagine, for example, planning a surprise gift for someone, and working together with someone else to do so. "Oh my gosh, she is going to LOVE that -- good idea!" That would be some healthy external validation; it's not a bad thing to receive -- it feels good.

Our question is, how can we have an inner source for validation? How can we listen to and nurture a positive inner dialog, where the "voice" we hear inside of us, instead of being critical and tearing down, is nurturing and supportive? Imagine hearing yourself say to yourself: "BP, you really went out of your way to show you cared. You took time to pick out the loveliest necklace you could. You deserve a pat on the back for wanting to be a considerate person."

Sometimes the issue isn't just that we don't get validation of our good qualities from our significant others... it's that we don't get it from inside ourselves, too.

Let's start with inside of us, and see where that goes!

...

I don’t know how I could teach my kids to appreciate the act of giving when my wife potentially could make them feel so rejected too.

That's a great question. One thought I'm having is -- maybe finding some ways to give to needy individuals or groups in front of your kids, and then being really explicit in talking through it with them: "Honey, we gave that man a sandwich because he didn't have any food. Even though he didn't say Thank You, we still did the right thing. Sometimes people don't say Thank You, but we still want to be caring people." I know your kiddos may be young for that, but in the future it's something you can do. Or, you can donate online to a cause you support, and show your kids you're doing it -- same explanation: "Even though nobody is telling me Thank You, I still want to give, because I want to be a generous person. Sometimes we don't get gratitude, but we can still keep being loving people no matter what."

You may need to do the parenting "heavy lifting" on that one with the kids, if your W doesn't have that strength. But it is completely possible to model for your kids that you can be who YOU want to be, no matter whether others respond appropriately.

You got this!

 

[thankful person]

Thanks Kells, you are right. I am starting to feel more kindly towards myself and this website is very healing to me. I will certainly be teaching the children such kindness to others when they are older. Again my wife was having a go at me today about getting her weight loss gifts due to the pressure it puts on her to lose weight! (I never bought such a thing but she thinks that’s what the surprise is). I didn’t say anything because I still want it to be a surprise on our daughter’s birthday, it’s just a little key ring, and a card. But special. And I’m going to tell myself and our little girl even though she’s only two, what a special gift this is for Mummy. She struggled so so much with breastfeeding, and her body was against her. And yet she is still breastfeeding them both now, with the oldest one reaching two years. I am so proud of her. And I want to recognise that I am a good wife too, being proud and supporting her and wanting to celebrate it. So I should be proud of myself, right? What do you think? 

[Boogie74]

Interesting on gifts… I too have an impossible time surprising her.   She HAS to know why I’m doing or buying something.   And she insists on literally interrogating me on every little detail of what I’m doing and why.

Often, if she doesn’t feel crazy love for the gift, I am accused of buying it “for me”.   She often tells me that I only buy her things or do things for her so people will lavish me with praise for doing so- hence fitting me into the mold of being a narcissist.

Often, when food shopping I’ll get her something she likes and something I like- but the only reason I got her something is because I felt bad after selfishly buying myself something first.

[garthaz]

My wife does not like to celebrate her birthday, Anniversary. etc.