Thanks Mutt for the reply
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Basically, all my life, as long as I have any memories of my mother, it's always been like walking on eggshells. She perfectly fits the description of the high function BP from the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". She verbally abused my father, my brother, and to a lesser degree, my younger sister. She physically abused my older brother, grabbing his hair, kicking him, punching him in the stomach, at as young an age as 9 (sometimes just because he looked annoying). My parents fought all the time, with my dad generally trying to protect us if it's about the children. I would always tell my younger sister to stay in her room while I go calm the situation down. Sometimes it involved the police.
The verbal abuse (which I didn't know there was a definition for) is exactly as described in the book as well. My mother would scream, throw things, stand up millimeters from our faces while screaming, hit us while we were in the shower, etc., for small issues like not having our closets clean, or folding the laundry wrong. There is no reasoning with her, if she said we did or thought something, we did. We needed to constantly praise her for everything she does, and try to anticipate her desires.
Don't get me wrong, my mom has her good times too, but usually those times are when we were in perfect submission and things were going her way. Now that I'm married with two young ones, she's great with my children (in short spurts) and makes us food when she's happy. So some issues now include times where she would call and tell me to drop everything to go shopping with her. When I say no (ie. I had a 20yr college reunion that I had told her about earlier that week), she questions my priorities. I can generally ignore those guilt trips, but sometimes, when I felt that I've tried everything in my power (like visit her earlier in the week, and telling her about weekend plans), I do get upset.
However, my dad is still constantly being abused by her. Of course, his temper can be improved, but I can see how he can be driven to the edge (as I was, and am sometimes ) at times. His health is not good: he has bleeding ulcers, high blood pressure, and he's on dialysis. My mom has made my grandmother leave us (my grandmother was a saint to me, she's the epitome of sacrificial love), and constantly tells us how evil and disgusting my grandmother was. She's always trying to turn my dad against his mom and sister (due to jealousy/insecurity now that I know she has BPD). This has been a constant battle between them (even after my grandmother passed away). She forced my dad to disown his sister and call her to reprimand her. He actually followed through ("telling his sister ahead of time", but she wanted him to do this repeatedly. My grandmother was a single mother, her husband was executed by the government unjustly. My grandmother sacrificed everything for her kids. It was hard for him to do this to his family.
My rage now comes because she constantly calls me to make me agree on how horrible a person my dad is. My dad is a wonderful dad. I just can't do it anymore. She uses my words against him. As soon as I say anything like, "but dad cares about you", or "he's not that bad", she starts raging. Then things escalate when I try to talk sense into her. Of course, now I know that's a futile exercise, but sometimes I just want her to see how much pain she has caused us, and how my dad is the protector, not her.
Any advice on how I should respond when she demands I agree with her, or even just to listen to her about how horrible my father is?
Sorry, I rambled on way longer than I expected. But that's the gist of it. Thanks for listening!