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Author Topic: Just found out that my mom has BPD. Finally things are making sense  (Read 359 times)
blueleaf

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« on: March 21, 2017, 02:31:32 AM »

Hi everyone,
  Just wanted to be in a community where I can find some tips on how to handle a relationship with someone with BPD.  My relationship with my mom has significantly deteriorated over the years, since I've been standing up more for my own beliefs.  Unfortunately, some of those "standing" up moments I'm not so proud of.  There's a lot of rage inside of me that I need to deal with.  Thanks for listening!

blueleaf
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Mutt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 12:44:54 PM »

Hi blueleaf, 

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you decided to join us there is hope. Many of our members here are in similar situations as you and can offer you guidance and support. I can relate with setting boundaries and I struggled with it in the beginning because I wasn't use to it or I had floating boundaries. It's normal for someone to lash out when their not used to our boundaries, but I think that you're talking about more then just boundaries. I just wanted to let you know that feeling guilty is a feeling others can relate too but don't feel guilty for defending your values when someone is not respecting them.

Do you want to give us the back story on what's causing the anger?

PS You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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blueleaf

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 03:56:56 PM »

Thanks Mutt for the reply Smiling (click to insert in post)

Basically, all my life, as long as I have any memories of my mother, it's always been like walking on eggshells.  She perfectly fits the description of the high function BP from the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  She verbally abused my father, my brother, and to a lesser degree, my younger sister.  She physically abused my older brother, grabbing his hair, kicking him, punching him in the stomach, at as young an age as 9 (sometimes just because he looked annoying).  My parents fought all the time, with my dad generally trying to protect us if it's about the children.  I would always tell my younger sister to stay in her room while I go calm the situation down. Sometimes it involved the police.   

The verbal abuse (which I didn't know there was a definition for) is exactly as described in the book as well. My mother would scream, throw things, stand up millimeters from our faces while screaming, hit us while we were in the shower, etc., for small issues like not having our closets clean, or folding the laundry wrong.  There is no reasoning with her, if she said we did or thought something, we did.  We needed to constantly praise her for everything she does, and try to anticipate her desires.

Don't get me wrong, my mom has her good times too, but usually those times are when we were in perfect submission and things were going her way.  Now that I'm married with two young ones,  she's great with my children (in short spurts) and makes us food when she's happy.  So some issues now include times where she would call and tell me to drop everything to go shopping with her.  When I say no (ie. I had a 20yr college reunion that I had told her about earlier that week), she questions my priorities.  I can generally ignore those guilt trips, but sometimes, when I felt that I've tried everything in my power (like visit her earlier in the week, and telling her about weekend plans), I do get upset.

However, my dad is still constantly being abused by her.  Of course, his temper can be improved, but I can see how he can be driven to the edge (as I was, and am sometimes ) at times.  His health is not good:  he has bleeding ulcers, high blood pressure, and he's on dialysis.   My mom has made my grandmother leave us (my grandmother was a saint to me, she's the epitome of sacrificial love), and constantly tells us how evil and disgusting my grandmother was.  She's always trying to turn my dad against his mom and sister (due to jealousy/insecurity now that I know she has BPD).  This has been a constant battle between them (even after my grandmother passed away).  She forced my dad to disown his sister and call her to reprimand her.  He actually followed through ("telling his sister ahead of time", but she wanted him to do this repeatedly.  My grandmother was a single mother, her husband was executed by the government unjustly.  My grandmother sacrificed everything for her kids.  It was hard for him to do this to his family.

My rage now comes because she constantly calls me to make me agree on how horrible a person my dad is.  My dad is a wonderful dad.  I just can't do it anymore.  She uses my words against him.  As soon as I say anything like, "but dad cares about you", or "he's not that bad", she starts raging.  Then things escalate when I try to talk sense into her.  Of course, now I know that's a futile exercise, but sometimes I just want her to see how much pain she has caused us, and how my dad is the protector, not her.

Any advice on how I should respond when she demands I agree with her, or even just to listen to her about how horrible my father is?

Sorry, I rambled on way longer than I expected.  But that's the gist of it.  Thanks for listening!

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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 04:25:19 PM »

Hi blueleaf,

No worries. I'm sorry to hear that you and your siblings went through that, no child should have to go through an experience like that. I'm also sorry that she made someone that you loved dearly leave you - your grandmother. That is sad to hear.

I can generally ignore those guilt trips, but sometimes, when I felt that I've tried everything in my power (like visit her earlier in the week, and telling her about weekend plans), I do get upset.

That's a normal reaction, we can ignore the behaviors but we can still have our feelings about it too. It sounds like your mom is not getting treatment, was she diagnosed or she has BPD traits? Have you thought about self protection, is that something that you have in the past? Self protection is basically no contact or minimal contact to give you space from the chaos and drama from a pwBPD, do some self work to sort through your feelings.
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blueleaf

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 07:04:42 PM »

Thanks Mutt again for being understanding.

No, my mom was not clinically diagnosed.  I believe it would be a miracle if she decides to see a therapist.  The last conversation I had with her a couple of days ago involved how we all should seek therapy because we didn't agree with her, and that my dad needed the most therapy (I can't say I disagree with her on that one).

Technically, I should say that my mom has BPD traits.  When I showed blocks of text of descriptions of a BPD, and experiences of a BPD husband to my dad, he was shocked.  He said it "precisely" described all of her behaviors.  I've suggested my parents seek counseling for years but they never did (he's 68).  I don't blame my dad, because we all thought our lives were relatively normal.  That everyone goes through (to some degree) what we're going through.  But as soon as he read my emails describing the BPD experience, he called a therapist that a friend recommended who's familiar with treating BPDs.  He feels very guilty for not doing it earlier (of course I told him not to).  It gives me hope that he's doing this, because he's the closest one to my mom, and may have the largest impact.

As for me, it's been very recently that I've decided not to apologize for standing up for my beliefs.  I finally see that I'm not helping anyone by doing that.  No only am I abusing myself by humiliating myself by begging for her forgiveness (for hurting me) to keep the peace, it's perpetuating this horrible behavior.  I'm grateful to have an amazingly supportive husband who tells me that I should've done this years ago, and puts up with her random demands. 

I still am not comfortable not communicating with her, because I know that deep inside, she's lonely.  I'm thinking I should bring the entire family over sometime (when she decides I'm acceptable again), since she acts more normally around non-immediate family members.  We'll see.  Thanks again!

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