Moving on the separation stages

[rosa81]

Hi everyone.
I have now been separated from my husband for approximately 7 months.  The journey has very difficult.  I was married for just over 5 years and together for 7 years.  My husband did not have a diagnosis of BPD until 2019, it has been a very difficult journey indeed.  I tried to support him to recovery for a long part of our marriage and during this period I had to walk on egg-shells to the point that my overall well-being started to decrease. In August 2020 after a long period of devaluation and what it felt like emotional abuse and threats, I decided that "love" wasn't enough to continue  the relationship, it mostly felt like a battle "him against me".  This was one of the best things I ever did, I had the support of professionals, friends and family, in doing so I was able to regain confidence, self-love, self-kindness and stability. 
You are possibly wondering why I am seeking support at this point? Well somehow time has decreased the feelings of overwhelm and I started to open my heart again, in turn this led me to think of all the good times, how loved and connected I felt at times and it has brought on the sense of loss, I get bouts of missing him greatly.  I know that this is a romantic view of our marriage as the actions spoke louder however, I tried to reach out to my ex-husband with compassion and with this idea that we could establish a friend zone whilst we navigate our divorce.  This opened the doors for my ex-husband to begin the threats, accusations and overall devaluation.  Thankfully I don't believe this has had a major impact on my emotional well-being as I feel very strong however, I can feel a pull where I am thinking about him more and worrying about his well-being? This state of mind is one of the reasons I stayed and returned in the relationship.  I am essentially looking for support and advice moving forward, to help me think of him less and reframe my hopes as somehow I thinking deep down inside I would love for him to provide me with some type of closure. I am fully aware that he cannot provide the type of closure I need.  I wonder if there is anyone here that can signpost me to useful material and tools to reframe my thinking. Or perhaps specialised professional support.  Thank you.

[khibomsis]

  rosa, and welcome to the family! I am sorry for what brought you here, but happy you found us.
Well done for surviving the first 7 months! They are the worst. I recognized the impulse to feel more concerned with your exes wellbeing now that you have had a chance to recover. That happens to me too. I think technically we are recovering from Complex PTSD (the trauma you get from walking on eggshells) and so we have more emotional energy to devote to worrying. We get a break and that allows us to rest just enough to make us miss them. If that makes sense?

What has helped me a lot is Codependents Anonymous. I seem to have a profound other-orientation from growing up with a uNBPD mom, I was groomed to take care of her rather than myself from childhood, and CODA is really helping me to reorient my care and love towards myself. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey rosa81, Welcome!  I admire your courage to leave your H.  Thoughts about your Ex are normal, but that doesn't mean you need to act on them.  As you've learned, keeping good boundaries is essential with a pwBPD.  I suggest you put yourself first for a change.  At the end of the day, you are not responsible for the well being of another adult, so it's time to let go.  Took me a long time to grasp that my codependent need to caretake my Ex was actually an unhealthy dynamic for her as well as me.  When I feel the urge to jump in and rescue someone these days, I acknowledge the feeling and let it pass, which works out better for all, I've found.

LuckyJim

[cash05458]

These feelings over time of remembering only the good...it's inbuilt via human nature...the point is that it really isn't very real...time isn't kind to us like that...via a split and time it is far better to purposely focus on the negative...which sounds backward...but it is far more realistic about the past and why you are now apart...

[Cnvi]

Well somehow time has decreased the feelings of overwhelm and I started to open my heart again, in turn this led me to think of all the good times, how loved and connected I felt at times and it has brought on the sense of loss, I get bouts of missing him greatly. 

Guy Winch has a book on how to fix a broken heart, and a ted talk. I would highly suggest watching the whole thing, I haven't started the book yet but it's next when I finish my current book on codependency.

He has one part in his ted talk that helps me immensely when I get these feelings for longing / missing my ex, I'll paste the transcript here but I highly suggest watching the ted talk! How to Fix A Broken Heart -- this part starts at 6 minutes.

Heartbreak is a master manipulator. The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need in order to recover is remarkable. One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it.

We spend hours remembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars. All that does is make our loss feel more painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind. And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone. And once you have your list, you have to use it. When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session, I go, "Phone, please."