Do they miss us at all?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just wonder if anyone has talked with a BPD person and if they miss us at all... .especially the ones who have been in long marriages. I understand that they try to cut us out of their heads, but I have also read that they never forget, that's why they come back in time. Mine told me when he drives by things that remind him of me, he feels bad. So they have to miss something. I wonder if they compare us to their new relationships at all as well... .any comments?

[Herodias]

I just wonder if anyone has talked with a BPD person and if they miss us at all... .especially the ones who have been in long marriages. I understand that they try to cut us out of their heads, but I have also read that they never forget, that's why they come back in time. Mine told me when he drives by things that remind him of me, he feels bad. So they have to miss something. I wonder if they compare us to their new relationships at all as well... .any comments?

[Confused in TX]

I just wonder if anyone has talked with a BPD person and if they miss us at all... .especially the ones who have been in long marriages. I understand that they try to cut us out of their heads, but I have also read that they never forget, that's why they come back in time. Mine told me when he drives by things that remind him of me, he feels bad. So they have to miss something. I wonder if they compare us to their new relationships at all as well... .any comments?

I love this question and think about it every single day.  Thank you for posting.

[UserName69]

I think they do. Once me and my exBPD broke up for almost 3 weeks when we got back to each other she told me that she missed me. Some exBPD's contact their ex partners after a couple months or even years.

[scoutshonor]

I think they do. I think remembering brings them back. I think remembering screws up their goto relationships.

[JRT]

This is a good question that I see coming up here from time to time. It sure would seem like they don't but I think that they do; how can they? It would require wiping away months if not years of memories that are associated with us; the places we visited, the kind of car we drove, music that we listened to, colors we liked, drinks that were our favorite... .the list goes on and is voluminous. They would have to have figured out how to entirely purge all of those memories from their minds and any associated good feelings that they have that goes along with them. Impossible as far as I know... .I think that it KILLS my ex. 

[Infared]

yeah... .I think they miss us like a small child misses a balloon that he accidentally let go of at the fair... .

[lm911]

Once you are painted black, they do not miss us like the way we do. They feel a mixture of emotions, and if they miss us they will call us - it is simple.

[disillusionedandsore]

My ex could completely forget about others,  so much so that me reminding him of a person by mentioning their name would cause him to go pale,  shocked even and swear?

[NonBPDEx]

I don't think they miss us at all, and this is how I know.

When I met my BPDgf, she was a month out of a 13 year marriage. She had moved out of the family house and rented a small basement apartment.

I heard all about her ex. However, nothing she said about him seemed that bad. In fact, I felt empathy for him because from what she told me he clearly was distraught and wanted her back. He still loved her. If I questioned her, I was 'taking his side'.

However, although she 'cared' about him and was 'concerned' for him, she also expressed annoyance at his sorrow and sadness. He had wronged her, but I could never find out what the wrong really was. "I could not be myself" was the most I ever got.

Once I was in the picture and she fell in love with me he was not in her thoughts other than having to deal with their son and the separation agreement.

Beyond being angry at him because "he knows I am sick" when they were trying to hammer out the separation agreement, she could care less. It was all about her.

She is now with my replacement. Last I saw her she 'cared' about, and was 'concerned' for me. I am her ex now, just like her ex before me was... .

[dobie]

I don't think they miss us at all, and this is how I know.

When I met my BPDgf, she was a month out of a 13 year marriage. She had moved out of the family house and rented a small basement apartment.

I heard all about her ex. However, nothing she said about him seemed that bad. In fact, I felt empathy for him because from what she told me he clearly was distraught and wanted her back. He still loved her. If I questioned her, I was 'taking his side'.

However, although she 'cared' about him and was 'concerned' for him, she also expressed annoyance at his sorrow and sadness. He had wronged her, but I could never find out what the wrong really was. "I could not be myself" was the most I ever got.

Once I was in the picture and she fell in love with me he was not in her thoughts other than having to deal with their son and the separation agreement.

Beyond being angry at him because "he knows I am sick" when they were trying to hammer out the separation agreement, she could care less. It was all about her.

She is now with my replacement. Last I saw her she 'cared' about, and was 'concerned' for me. I am her ex now, just like her ex before me was... .

X2 exactly my experience almost word for word

[Tyrwhitt1]

This is a hard one to figure out, I guess it depends on so many factors and personality types.  I think that my exBPDh's ability to miss me is compromised by figuring out where I might prove useful in the future to him.  I took the emotions during our long marriage to be real, but the latter face that he portrayed was one of what he needed to do or say to accomplish what he wanted.

I don't think he'll miss me as such but what I could provide - stability, safety, money, friendship, fixing his problems.  If he can find a replacement to fulfil those roles as well as I did, I doubt he'll miss me at all!

[scoutshonor]

My BPDgf bounces between "i hate you", "i care about you and wants the best for me" and " i really like you and want you around" . The i hate you phase lasts a day or two. The we're apart and i care about you lasts around a few weeks to a month. The i want you around phase aka eggshells maybe a month to six months... .ive been thru about 4 complete cycles. Her ongoing depression seems to drive her... .when its deep she wants me the most, as it lightens up she starts with the i hate you.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

As a few others said, I think it depends on the personality types. My ex wasn't malicious or aggressive upon our break up, she simply left. When she contacts me she bombs me with the I'm sorry you deserved better, I miss you etc and then disappears. When she is finished in the relationship she moves out of state. This is linked to the out of sight out of mind. 

    I believe she loved me the only way she knew how when we were together. I feel as though her breaking up with me in her head was her way of letting me go. Towards the end she would often say she couldn't love me the way I deserved. She was right. Had I pieced things together sooner instead of living in the fog, I'd have fought the battle with her. Right or wrong, foolish er not, I loved her.

[Beach_Babe]

I don't think they do. Unless they hit bottom and need someone again to use.

[going places]

I just wonder if anyone has talked with a BPD person and if they miss us at all... .especially the ones who have been in long marriages. I understand that they try to cut us out of their heads, but I have also read that they never forget, that's why they come back in time. Mine told me when he drives by things that remind him of me, he feels bad. So they have to miss something. I wonder if they compare us to their new relationships at all as well... .any comments?

My ex, does not, not one bit.

He hates me. I am not sure why... .but he hates me.

Anything that has to do with me, he hates.

I do know when his dad was ill and his mind was in a mess, that he called his now wife of 20 years, by his ex wife's name... .so the mind reverts back, like it or not.

[milo1967]

My XW and I were married ten years. Extremely close, extremely intimate and emotional relationship. Yet she led a double life for a half year with her affair partner. So her ability to compartmentalize is astounding. I don't believe she missed me or thought about me at all during that time.

Yet my daughter has told me that "Mommy cries that she misses you." My XW has confirmed to me that this is true, and that she has "kept cards from me." This, while now engaged to her affair partner.

So in my case, yes and no.

These people are profoundly messed up.

[SummerStorm]

No, I don't think they do.  She cut me out of her life and that was that.  The day before she cut me out, she had asked me to hang out with her over the weekend.  We had decided weeks prior to just be friends, and I was fine with that because I was tired of her going back and forth between me and her boyfriend.  I already had plans that day.  The next day, over something incredily stupid and trivial, she cut me out.  On Saturday, her boyfriend told me that she was out all day.  I'm assuming she found someone new to sink her claws into or went back to a friend from college that she probably hadn't spoken to in months.  Meanwhile, I went to the zoo that day (somewhere we had talked about going) and felt depressed and ended up crying on the bus ride home.  And now, all she cares about is telling her boyfriend that he shouldn't be talking to me at all. 

[ShakinMyHead]

I believe they do miss us. I believe though, it's their version of "Misssing". When they are away from us, the threat of intimacy decreases, and they feel safe again. Not engulfed. So, they are free enough, far enough away from us to be able to desire, paint white, idealize, whatever we chose to call it. But bottom line, half of nothing, is still nothing. If they can only miss us when they are away from us, and devalue us when we are with them, it's useless to us anyway. It just causes them to "hover" us, and keep us trapped in their sick cycle.   SMH