Why are some days so hard?

[drummerboy]

I have a few good days now, days when I can see it all as clearly as I'm ever going to see it. These boards are a huge help but being on them makes me think of her more than I was. This morning I found a pair of her knickers in my house and all of the great times during the idealisation phase came flooding back. I know it's time to put her behind me, it's been 6 months but a trigger can put me in a place where I think I'm not very far along the healing process. How do these people get into our heads to such a degree?

At my worst moments I still entertain these ridiculous fantasies that we were meant for each other and we will hook up and live happily ever after. How crazy is that?

[freedom33]

I have a few good days now, days when I can see it all as clearly as I'm ever going to see it. These boards are a huge help but being on them makes me think of her more than I was.

Sometimes I think I was doing better before coming to these boards. On one hand the boards are helpful on another they can be addictive too. They are like methadone after going clean with heroin.

At my worst moments I still entertain these ridiculous fantasies that we were meant for each other and we will hook up and live happily ever after. How crazy is that?

Make a list of all the craziness and pull it up each time you have these thoughts!

[PhoenixBlack]

You will have bad days. I'm now just over 2 months of no contact and I'm learning to block it out but there are other days, where I cave and the memories come flooding back. I look at her picture or listen to music that we shared but at the same time I remind myself of the toxicity of it all. It may well slow the healing but I'm not ready to go 'cold turkey' yet so I embrace it and allow myself to feel. I don't beat myself up. I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way, I'm just going with the flow. And as Freedom33 suggested, it can also help to make lists of the good and the bad. I find that the bad far outweighs the good. Every single time.  I find myself wondering how much of it was real and how much of it was just me fulfilling her needs. For now I'm allowing myself to believe that some of it was real - that she did in some way love me for me. Hopefully soon we can let go of that too.

The memories will come, and I'm not sure that you can stop that but you can choose how you handle them to some degree. Don't bottle it up. To feel is to be human.

[drummerboy]

My situation was a bit different, I actually didn't get to the phase where she raged or did anything bad. I went from the idealisation phase to her going NC in a matter of about 7 days. My list of bad would be very short. My list of good would be long. She never actually could bring herself to saying its over, I had to say "you want it to be over don't you" and she nodded her head. The last 48 hours she was almost catatonic. The last 48 hours we made love and held each other and cried and kept telling each other "I love you" it was an insane ending. So I've got mainly good memories and very few bad which might make it tougher to get over?

And as Freedom33 suggested, it can also help to make lists of the good and the bad. I find that the bad far outweighs the good. Every single time. 

[camuse]

I have a few good days now, days when I can see it all as clearly as I'm ever going to see it. These boards are a huge help but being on them makes me think of her more than I was. This morning I found a pair of her knickers in my house and all of the great times during the idealisation phase came flooding back. I know it's time to put her behind me, it's been 6 months but a trigger can put me in a place where I think I'm not very far along the healing process. How do these people get into our heads to such a degree?

At my worst moments I still entertain these ridiculous fantasies that we were meant for each other and we will hook up and live happily ever after. How crazy is that?

Accept these thought, let them in, let them pass. Don't hide from your bad feelings, feel them, they will pass naturally - there's a limit to how long you can go on thinking the same thought.

Remove all triggers, remind yourself of the facts not the fiction. Give yourself a break, you are a survivor and this painful process is you getting better, day by day. You are guaranteed to be fully recovered by the end of this, it's just a matter of time, every moment you are a little better. Be patient, you are on the up 

[camuse]

My situation was a bit different, I actually didn't get to the phase where she raged or did anything bad. I went from the idealisation phase to her going NC in a matter of about 7 days. My list of bad would be very short. My list of good would be long. She never actually could bring herself to saying its over, I had to say "you want it to be over don't you" and she nodded her head. The last 48 hours she was almost catatonic. The last 48 hours we made love and held each other and cried and kept telling each other "I love you" it was an insane ending. So I've got mainly good memories and very few bad which might make it tougher to get over?

This is tragic and my heart really goes out to you. But I think it says something really good about you - it's not your fault she couldn't handle the intimacy, you got close to her and were obviously very significant to her and that's why she had to leave.

Look at what you wrote - her behaviour is madness, the total opposite of how a healthy person would act. Who falls in love then leaves immediately? Crazy people. It's sad that you fell in love with a mentally disordered person, but it happened - it shows you are capable of igniting these feelings, and next time I hope it is with a healthy person capable of reciprocating. Intimacy triggers the disorder, that is tragic for them, and for you, but you will be ok - she won't. Terrible, but you can do zero to change this.

This was not your fault. You have been very unfortunate. Give yourself a massive break, this says nothing about you - people are what they are.

I really feel for you fella, what you have been through is horrific but you are surviving, be proud of yourself. You sound like a really great person to me who has had some huge misfortune  

[Tiepje3]

I agree, some days are extremely hard, but we have to feel the pain and go right through it.

Even though this board is somewhat addictive, I need the support and I need to read that other people are experiencing the same range of emotions as I do. Apart from the fact that I get good advice and good eye-openers, it makes me feel less lonely and understood. And I know there's someone better out there for me. Who knows... .he might be reading this reply  .

Part of the reason why I have some much heartache is because the emotion that pairs with it is anger at myself for feeling sad/angry/depressed etc. So I try to not be so hard on myself for 'feeling' and I try to let it be just that, a sad feeling that will pass, a feeling of loneliness or emptiness that will pass.

Distraction helps. Don't just wallow in the feeling but get up and walk around. Get out, enjoy some sunshine and don't be mad at yourself for feeling [... fill in any feeling].

[drummerboy]

Thank you for your beautiful words camuse. They help a lot. You are a very kind person. The best part is I know I'll come out of this a much better person than before I met her. Like my sig says, "not until the heart is totally broken will it open" As utterly horrible as this has been I know it is and will be a life changing event, nothing will ever be the same after this. And look at you, you have been through the same hell as the rest of us and still capable of sending out immense love that heals people, that is no small thing camuse.

My situation was a bit different, I actually didn't get to the phase where she raged or did anything bad. I went from the idealisation phase to her going NC in a matter of about 7 days. My list of bad would be very short. My list of good would be long. She never actually could bring herself to saying its over, I had to say "you want it to be over don't you" and she nodded her head. The last 48 hours she was almost catatonic. The last 48 hours we made love and held each other and cried and kept telling each other "I love you" it was an insane ending. So I've got mainly good memories and very few bad which might make it tougher to get over?

This is tragic and my heart really goes out to you. But I think it says something really good about you - it's not your fault she couldn't handle the intimacy, you got close to her and were obviously very significant to her and that's why she had to leave.

Look at what you wrote - her behaviour is madness, the total opposite of how a healthy person would act. Who falls in love then leaves immediately? Crazy people. It's sad that you fell in love with a mentally disordered person, but it happened - it shows you are capable of igniting these feelings, and next time I hope it is with a healthy person capable of reciprocating. Intimacy triggers the disorder, that is tragic for them, and for you, but you will be ok - she won't. Terrible, but you can do zero to change this.

This was not your fault. You have been very unfortunate. Give yourself a massive break, this says nothing about you - people are what they are.

I really feel for you fella, what you have been through is horrific but you are surviving, be proud of yourself. You sound like a really great person to me who has had some huge misfortune  

[drummerboy]

Thank you Tiepje3, you echo what my therapist keeps telling me, to "feel" the pain, to not try to push it away. I recently asked her if I should get some meds for the bad days and she said no! "You don't have a mental illness, going through the pain will make you come out so much stronger"

The support in here is awesome and although I don't know anyone here from a bar of soap some of you feel like close friends. At least you have been (or are going) through this, my close friends have no idea what its like, you guys do and that is why these boards are so important to me right now. I too can get a bit angry at myself thinking "Come on man, its been six months since I broke up, that's enough time" But it isn't, and it might take another six months and that will be ok and I know that if it does take another six months you guys will be here for me as I will be here for you. Hugs to everyone.

I agree, some days are extremely hard, but we have to feel the pain and go right through it.

Even though this board is somewhat addictive, I need the support and I need to read that other people are experiencing the same range of emotions as I do. Apart from the fact that I get good advice and good eye-openers, it makes me feel less lonely and understood. And I know there's someone better out there for me. Who knows... .he might be reading this reply  .

Part of the reason why I have some much heartache is because the emotion that pairs with it is anger at myself for feeling sad/angry/depressed etc. So I try to not be so hard on myself for 'feeling' and I try to let it be just that, a sad feeling that will pass, a feeling of loneliness or emptiness that will pass.

Distraction helps. Don't just wallow in the feeling but get up and walk around. Get out, enjoy some sunshine and don't be mad at yourself for feeling [... fill in any feeling].

[freedom33]

At least you have been (or are going) through this, my close friends have no idea what its like, you guys do and that is why these boards are so important to me right now.

This very true. Friends just can't understand the drama, hell, confusion, lies and manipulation. A told a friend about a provocative thing my ex did to me - something completely wacky to get me jealous and angry and he said to me in the most naive, surprised way 'why would she do that dude?'.Exactly!

I had a friend in my early 20s who was going through something similar with a girl that I now strongly suspect was BPD. He used to come and talk and complain and how she doesnt leave him alone, and pushes and then pulls him back in. This was going on for 2-3 years... .After a while I got tired of him. He was like a broken record and I couldn't understand why he couldn't get rid of her. It was simple in my head at the time. You tell her to break up you discuss your feelings and that's it. Civilised stuff. He even lost credibility in my eyes after a while.

Little did I know that I would be going through the same a decade later. Now I can only understand and empathise with him. If one has not been through this it is simply UNIMAGINABLE. So knowing how I was with him I try not to bother my friends with my stuff. It will only get them tired and I will lose even more credibility (I have lost enough with all the change of plans that I had to make over the last year due to my ex's unpredictability).

[camuse]

Glad to be of help Bauie

My T. said to me "How wonderful for you that you have been able to have this learning experience. Imagine all the people that go through their lives without ever finding out these things about themselves and other people."

He was deliberately making a point of course, but he's right - friends don't get it, because they haven't been there. We have taken a giant emotional battering, but with the right learning and reflection, we can all become better, wiser people, no longer so vulnerable to abuse.

Feel for all those folks out there vulnerable to this - if they are lucky they will never cross the path of one of these predators. If not, they await the same fate, and maybe they will never discover what really happened and be ruined forever.

I read some discussions of BPD on a pick up forum - guys who pride themselves in taking no **** from women, getting sucked in and spat out by these disordered women just as we were. Everyone wants to be loved, we are all vulnerable, even the womanising pick up guys But we won't fall for this again now. We know what real love is NOT - we know the difference between love and idealisation.

If you've ever been a smoker and given up, you'll know how very hard and unpleasant that is. I would say getting over the BPD nightmare is at least 10x as hard. Look at all the self-reflection and learning on this board, all us good, decent people determined to get through and learn from this while our predators stuff their pain into a corner and jump on a replacement, over and over again, never learning a thing, doomed to a wasted life of misery, hatred and destruction.

Some days are hard, but they get easier. The easier days get better. Life is supposed to be cyclical. Eventually you will feel only sadness and pity for the person that did this to you, and you will be the one that really moved on and found genuine happiness.