Being more flexible about strategies to deal with feelings of despair

[zachira]

For a long time, I have been using the staying in the feelings strategy, staying present with feelings that are overwhelming until they go away. This strategy has served me well most of the time. I try to stay present with my feelings and meditate every day. I am now finding that sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that maybe getting away from them is a better strategy at times. I never want to be like my family members with BPD and NPD who project their unwanted feelings onto others, and basically just stuff their feelings. Yet sometimes, being present with feelings doesn't make them go away and the feelings become more acute: I just keep getting more upset. It does seem to make sense to use the staying in the feelings strategy most of the time, yet it is important to know when it makes more sense to just escape the feelings by thinking of something else, doing an enjoyable activity or seeking out a friend to enjoy.

[pursuingJoy]

zachira this makes so much sense, and I've been thinking about this too. My former therapist once shared with me that it's a sign of emotional maturity to manage the way we grieve.  We can and should make time for it, and at times, limit its power over our lives.

I have a slightly obsessive nature. When I start thinking about something, I have a tendency to think about ALL of it. When I sense that happening, I use the same idea of being present in pain to be present with my daughters, present in a happier moment with my husband, or present at work. There have been times where I've even taken a break from this site for a day or two just to gain some balance.

I always appreciate your wisdom and I'm happy to be on this road of healing with you.
pj

[zachira]

PursuingJoy,
I feel validated and heard by your response. Thank you. Your therapist is right about we need to take time to grieve yet limit the power it has over our lives. I too am obsessive in nature and need to find some more positive outlets when I can't stop thinking about something that is bothering me. I also need to take time away from this site, and do so when I go away on vacation. I think my challenge now is that I am feeling very traumatized by how cruel my siblings have been to me since mom died and in the past, and unfortunately I have to deal with them right now while everything is divided up, and in the future because of extended family ties. I need to stop worrying about how they are going to upset me with their next round of cruel behaviors and just find some more positive outlets. I know that when my mother with BPD died it was mostly a relief. I hope there will come a day when I only interact with my siblings by choice and not because I have to.

[pursuingJoy]

My gosh I can see how having to interact with them would be traumatizing. Sometimes there is just not enough of anything soothing when you're going through a storm that makes you vulnerable to attack and opens old wounds. I admire your commitment to settling the estate. It upsets me to think about their treatment of you. Big hugs. 

How long do you think settling the estate will take?

[zachira]

Not sure how long settling the estate will take. I just know I will be dealing with my siblings and other family members who scapegoat me for life. This is because of joint property most of which is not sellable and the fact there are family members I do want to have relationships with. It is all very painful yet I have to keep reminding myself of all the wonderful people who have supported me and been kind to me while being examples to me on how to have healthy relationships with others. At my mother's memorial service, I sat behind my siblings. Two of the young adults went out of their way to sit with me, one on each side. After the service, another young adult invited me to come and be with the other young adults. I told her how much I appreciated being included, went to sit with young adults for awhile, then left to let the younger people enjoy each other. There is a long list of people who have been wonderful to me, and I need to spend my time thinking about them and appreciating their kindness, and not focusing on how mean my family members are to me. I sometimes am just overwhelmed by how the  cousins of my generation have bonded together in support of my sister and brother, yet many family members of older and younger generations have gone out of their way to be kind to me and support me in the hardest of times. I try to refrain from talking with the other generations about my problems with my family members, yet I expected some of my generation to understand and that has totally backfired on me. During the days I spent with my siblings when all the extended family was together, I got wind of the fact that my sister had enlisted some of my cousins to keep me busy and away from her. My brother also launched a campaign to get people on his side, and some of the cousins were not giving me the time of day. The lesson in all this, is I need to keep my mouth shut, and I will come out smelling like a rose with the people who see what is really going on, and with others, it really does not matter what I do, I will always be the scapegoat, and it is their loss. I do think I am a really fine person in many ways, yet I know there are some people who will never appreciate me, and that is true for all of us.

[GaGrl]

I like the observation of managing grief (emotions) as a sign of maturity. I feel I've finally reached a place of balancing the ability to "fall into it" and allow myself to experience the emotion with knowing when to distract myself from emotion.

I tend to "stuff" emotion, and that never served me well.

[pursuingJoy]

me too on the stuffing emotion, GaGrl. I'm still working to find that balance. #lifegoals

zachira I'm treated like a disease when I go to my husband's extended family's house. I once sat next to his cousin just to see how long it took her to stand up and leave    Their mistreatment hurts my feelings but they liked his ex, they don't know me, and I don't care what they think - these things make it easier for me to accept that it's their issue. My own FOO? That's another story...it's taken me 13 years of LC, NC, boundary setting, my healing and their growth to get back to the point where I can enjoy limited time with them.

Tell me more about the family members you love and want to keep in touch with! I developed a randomly close relationship with two cousins years ago that has made all the difference in my need to feel connected and a sense of belonging. Do you see this potential in these special family members?

[TelHill]

Hello zachira,

I am sorry you are going through these issues. I can relate with my husband’s passing. The pain of his death has been overwhelming many times. I recently attended a seminar on grieving the loss of a long term spouse. The instructor said the pain never leaves. The edges get blunted over time.  Acceptance of long term sadness is what they advised.

I have inheritance issues in the country where my parents are from. The land was worthless when they immigrated; now it’s a very popular vacation spot.  I am set to co-own with my cousins & brother. I want it due to sentimental value.  It’s nowhere worth what property in our area in the US is worth.My brother and my cousins have aligned to push me out through lies & slander . My cousins did that to their female cousin on the other side of their family a few years ago. I have fought tooth and nail for this. My ancestors came to this place 500 years ago. All my relatives are buried in the town cemetery.  It’s like a knife in the heart to realize the extent of the betrayal of my only sibling.  I am staying silent too. I’m giving up. My dad is too old to travel thousands of miles to settle it fairly. I know there is money going under the table from these fellows to crooked attorneys. These fellows can have the property.  It’s not worth the fear and anguish to pursue.

I hope you have a great vacation and focus on your relatives and friends who love you for the caring person you are!  

[Methuen]

It is all very painful yet I have to keep reminding myself of all the wonderful people who have supported me and been kind to me while being examples to me on how to have healthy relationships with others.

...

There is a long list of people who have been wonderful to me, and I need to spend my time thinking about them and appreciating their kindness, and not focusing on how mean my family members are to me.

You are so wise.  This is something that's been sitting at the back of my mind...recognizing the positives in life, and feeling more gratitude from the places we get support, and the things in our life that are positive.  When my mom acts out and triggers me, life turns upside down, a dark veil comes down, and I tend to see everything through a dark lens.  It can take a long time to work through that.  The BP influences can become so powerful and negative, that I feel I have to fight, and greive, and work hard to see "light".  So your words above resonated with me,  and I find myself supporting these thoughts wholeheartedly.  I feel better when I spend more time thinking about the positives, than ruminating over my mother's most recent behavior.  But it's not always easy to do that.

For a long time, I have been using the staying in the feelings strategy, staying present with feelings that are overwhelming until they go away. This strategy has served me well most of the time. I try to stay present with my feelings and meditate every day. I am now finding that sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that maybe getting away from them is a better strategy at times. I never want to be like my family members with BPD and NPD who project their unwanted feelings onto others, and basically just stuff their feelings. Yet sometimes, being present with feelings doesn't make them go away and the feelings become more acute: I just keep getting more upset. It does seem to make sense to use the staying in the feelings strategy most of the time, yet it is important to know when it makes more sense to just escape the feelings by thinking of something else, doing an enjoyable activity or seeking out a friend to enjoy.

You are again wise.  I think we try what works.  When what has worked well for us doesn't work in a new moment, we try something else.  I also think when our feelings get away from us and we become overwhelmed by them, we need to forgive ourselves once we recover and feel grounded again.  Everyone on this board has a lot of stuff to deal with, and it's really really hard.  When we realize we could have done something differently, or managed our response or feelings differently, I think we will learn and grow from that more if we forgive ourselves for our lapses or for going to those dark places and getting stuck there for a little while.  After all, we're doing the best we can to manage difficult situations.  In your case, you have a lot of family with a nose for opportunity and money, and it sounds like that means division, conflict and self-serving behavior coming from those family members, all of which hurts you.  That is a LOT to deal with.

Balancing that negativity, with the positive influences in life (which you mentioned above) and feeling the gratitude of those other things sounds like a pretty balanced and healthy response.

Your posts and dedication to this board are so helpful Zachira.  I've been a big beneficiary, and really appreciate your time and helpfulness.

[zachira]

Gagrl,
Thank you for sharing that you too have to balance feeling the uncomfortable emotions versus distracting yourself to keep the balance.
PursuingJoy,
I feel for you hearing how you have to deal with being painted black by close family members. I am glad you have two cousins that appreciate and value you.
You have asked me a good question about sharing more about the people that do treat me well, and is possibly a good question to ask some of our members. When I first went to therapy, my therapist tried to get me to think of positive relationships and happy moments in my life and all I could do was draw a blank. This technique is often used to help clients to feel better, and it does not work if alot of the pain and sorrow has not been processed. Now, I am becoming more appreciative of those who do treat me with kindness and respect. I have several younger cousins of different generations that are kind to me as is my niece. I also have some second cousins that are close in age  to me who are also kind to me and like me. I feel the difference is that these people are far enough removed from the inner toxic circle of first cousins; these more distant cousins see me for who I am, and my siblings and first cousins are not so invested in painting me black with them. I also have a few close friends who treat me with kindness. One of my friends called me last night and invited me to Thanksgiving at her house. I told myself to accept the invitation and enjoy the holiday. My challenge right now is to get out of my current depression. I suffer from depression inherited from both sides of the family. I have known for a long time that the only thing that works for me is to make good choices with people and activities I do. I have decided I will get up every day and do one activity related to the estate and dealing with other painful transactions, and then spend the rest of my day doing things that bring joy to me.
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thank you for caring!

[zachira]

TelHill,
I am so sorry that you are grieving the loss of your husband. You are so wise to learn about grief and how to balance accepting the permanence of this painful loss while continuing to grieve.
I too am suffering from losing a family home that has been in the family for many years! I can imagine the sorrow you feel of having to let go of a home that has been in the family for 500 years and all the memories, family, friends, and places that mean so much to you. It especially hurts when you are being cheated out of the home by relatives. In my case, I own a summer cottage with my sister in a place where my family members have spent summer vacations since the late 1800s. Like your place, the cottage is not worth a lot of money. I have to sell the place as the relationship with my sister has become unbearable, the costs prohibitive, and some of the neighbors are like my relatives having problems with NPD, so it is a very unpleasant situation. I have many fond memories of the place, and it is my connection to the family. My sister takes all the weeks when the family is there, and tells me when I am there she wishes I weren't as I walk on eggshells trying to get along. The heartbreak of losing my family connections, feeling I just can't bear to go to family gathering any more because of how I am painted black is just so painful. I am in the process of accepting that I can continue to see the relatives I love and enjoy on the side. My nervous system cannot take the family gatherings anymore in which I am ignored, given dirty looks, and unfairly accused. I also cannot stand to listen to certain family members constantly painting others black, especially the ones who are still children.
On a brighter note, I am getting together with friends for Thanksgiving. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. Thank you for caring and for your support.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for understanding how hard it is to work through all the cruel  behaviors of my family members and all that I have on my plate right now. It is a struggle when we have family members with BPD and NPD who constantly retraumatize us with their cruel behaviors and seem to know how to just get meaner as we learn to better cope with past behaviors. I am trying to stay positive and I see that you are too! The only choice really is to move forward and be happy while taking reasonable amounts of time to grieve, yet not dwell on the grief.
I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving if you are celebrating it!

[TelHill]

Thanks, zachira. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving as well.

I am receiver of dirty looks from my first cousins too. Sorry that is your reality as well. It’s disappointing but I know it has nothing to do with me. I went to a relative’s funeral a few weeks ago where I got just that. There are weddings and showers coming up which I’m quietly sending a no rsvp. Silence is a form of love to them - a signal to them to choose the path of kindness.

I try to stay positive and keep faith in goodness. I treat others as I would want to be treated. That helps a lot towards lifting my occasional sadness & depression.

Sorry about your vacation home and all the grief. My family’s home and land are in a country/region that’s been dysfunctional for a long time. There’s a war every 30-40 years. The region’s deeds haven’t been updated since 1900. It’s a very corrupt country. I don’t want to give too much personal info. The small town has no police force & is isolated. Am not sure who my cousins & brother paid off. Have gotten some unfortunate emails in that language from throwaway email addresses.  Am a bit frightened. Will stay here & not fight. I will not act like them to get my fair share. Following my conscience is more important than land and a home.

This is true just for me — I gain more insight reading classic authors. One essay that reminds me of my errant relatives is ‘Why Men Stupefy Themselves, ‘ by Leo Tolstoy.

Again, enjoy your friends and vacation!  

[zachira]

TelHill,
I am sorry you are getting dirty looks from your cousins as well. Like you, I try to take the high road and treat others like I want to be treated. I also realize that there are battles that aren't worth fighting. It certainly hurts to give up a beloved home and to continually be badly treated by certain family members, yet what can we do? We have to keep our heads high and not waste our time with those that treat us unkindly. I agree with you that staying away is a message for them to act better though I doubt they will get the message. I think that at least if I am not around they will eventually have to find some new targets to dump on how badly they feel about themselves. I just don't want to continue to be one of their targets, as the more I resist being the scapegoat, the meaner they are to me. I believe there is a lot of jealously about my becoming quietly self confident and having more people like me. I am supposed to be the family member that nobody likes. Over time, as I have worked to become a better person, the right people are noticing, and they surely makes my siblings more determined to defame me.
Right now I am feeling my depression lifting, and realize I need to focus on the positive while letting the negative take up less space in my head. I am working on accepting I can not do anything to change others and it is my attitude about myself that counts.

[formflier]

I'd like to join the conversation about "stuffing" emotions/grief.  I used to call it "compartmentalizing" and that was a very useful skill I developed in Naval Aviation. 

Horrible things would happen, yet I still had a plane to land and crew to lead...so all that emotional stuff would have to be handled later...after the flight, after the debrief.

Since this "worked so well" for me in my professional life I started doing it all the time.  I'd put "dealing with emotions/something emotional" on hold to handle some pressing issue or in some cases just because it wasn't convenient.

I assumed others (like my wife) would just do the same thing.  So...when life starting going off the rails after a flood impacted our farm I really didn't focus on her or my emotions...I was all about getting things done.  This lead to lots of invalidation and many bad years for my marriage relationship.

Now I try to be present (almost welcome) feelings that pop up.  Things that "need to be done" can usually get done tomorrow, allowing me to spend time with emotions/memories...whatever has come up.  I'm also deliberate about doing "something extra" for me.  Sometimes it's as small as grabbing a special treat to eat.

For me the key has been to "be with" my emotions and "care for myself".

Good thread..keep it up.

Best,

FF

[Methuen]

Thanks for sharing that story FF.  I think it really helps those of us still early in, or part way through, our journey to read the share you just posted.  It felt so honest and generous, and spoken from the heart.  I found it really inspirational.  Thanks.

[Methuen]

I have decided I will get up every day and do one activity related to the estate and dealing with other painful transactions, and then spend the rest of my day doing things that bring joy to me.

I personally have not experienced what you are going through with the estate business, but my time for that will eventually come (although everyone's circumstance is always a little different).  Your plan sounds like a really smart and balanced plan, because it moves forward with work that needs to get done, but it also gives you time to look after you and continue to live your life.  It balances the negative stuff with positives.  I recently spoke to a nurse friend who dealt with her mother's passing and estate business in another country, amongst family where estrangement was also involved.  She found it overwhelming; she mentioned that her husband who was with her during that month, suggested she just do one task a day.  It made so much sense to hear her say that at the time, and I recalled that conversation with her (over a month ago) when I read your post just now.  I applaud you for what sounds like a really smart way to manage a difficult situation, and find a way to move forward while still looking after yourself.  

[TelHill]

TelHill,
I am sorry you are getting dirty looks from your cousins. I think that at least if I am not around they will eventually have to find some new targets to dump on how badly they feel about themselves. I just don't want to continue to be one of their targets, as the more I resist being the scapegoat, the meaner they are to me.

My hope is that they’ll have to create harder and harder to believe lies about me since they receive no new information. Their friends will drop them and their social circle will be like them. They’ll be on the receiving end of nastiness. It takes getting to rock bottom to change.

I have a great scenario, but it’s unlikely.  I’ll keep doing whatever it is that bugs them, and I’ll be happy in my life. That they’ll never see me or know what I’m up to makes me happier.

Right now I am feeling my depression lifting, and realize I need to focus on the positive while letting the negative take up less space in my head. I am working on accepting I can not do anything to change others and it is my attitude about myself that counts.

That’s wonderful that you are feeling better. As all above said, take it one step at a time with the estate.  Just a suggestion, can you do all communication through email or letter with proof of receipt?  Unhappy, sneaky people gaslight and fight to pressure kinder people(you) to get more than their fair share. This will keep your family at a distance (no mean looks) and you’ll have proof if they accuse you of promising something to them which you never did.   These people sound like wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I hope your vacation is going well and you are getting lots of r&r.

[zachira]

Formflier,
Thanks for your story about learning when it is not productive to stuff your emotions and when it does indeed work for you to do so. I think those of us who grow up with parents who cannot regulate their emotions often either stuff our emotions or are consistently overwhelmed by our emotions. The healing comes when most of the time we can stay in a calm neutral zone, able to be emotionally available to ourself and others while able to make good decisions. If we are too shut down and depressed, then we need to find ways to become more alive. If we are too agitated, then we need to find ways to calm down. Many of us struggle with being depressed and anxious at the same time. I found EMDR Therapy and lots of body work, to be effective in getting me out of my frozen zone, stuffing the emotions. Still, there are times when I am way too overwhelmed by my emotions to sit and process them, and it works better to just find a healthy distraction. I have to catch myself when I am venting and can't stop thinking about all the cruelty I am subject to by my family members who love to scapegoat others. Talking about them really has its limits because they are never going to change. I can only change myself to the point that I don't take most of their cruel behaviors personally.

[zachira]

Methuen and TelHill,
Thank you for supporting my plan to do one thing a day on the estate and then spend the rest of the day on happier activities. I have to stop procrastinating and avoiding things that are painful,  because drawing them out just increases the pain and disappointment. I also have to let go of perfection, knowing that I have a life long challenge to put the positive in the forefront and not dwell on all the hurt caused by my family members who are so heavily invested in scapegoating other members of the family.
The most painful decision that has been naging at my heart is knowing that I have to sell the family cottage and not go to family reunions any more. I feel like I get punished for no longer hanging my head, slouching, and becoming a person in my own right while no longer tolerating the family's cruel behaviors towards me and others. I am not feeling depressed today. I have made the decision that I will so much happier if I just have separate relationships with the family members I enjoy and avoid the family gatherings where there is always someone bad mouthing someone and certain members giving me dirty looks for no reason. Yesterday I went to Thanksgiving at a friend's house. I enjoyed my time there, and I did not let myself sink into the past narrative of how I am a reject and my family does not love me. I am where I am because I am capable of loving others and respecting myself. Today I was calmly thinking about my poor aunt who was hated by the family for eloping as a teenager, and though did endless kind deeds for the family was always painted black until the day she died. I went to her funeral many years ago, which was a turning point for me. My aunt had no friends, was really a prisoner of low self esteem and the family despite being a wonderful person in so many ways and a much better person than the family members that painted her black. I told myself I do not want to have my life end the way hers did. She deserves so much better. I now feel worthy of seeking a better life for myself and to create my own loving family and community, at least that is how I feel right now. I still got to work on how to deal with the moments I am feeling really low.

[Methuen]

The most painful decision that has been naging at my heart is knowing that I have to sell the family cottage and not go to family reunions any more.

Uge.  I wonder if this comes down to grieving the loss of "belonging" to the family.  I think humans have an innate need to belong.  We see it in our children when they grow up, when there is a "shift" in their development and they start spending more time with their peers.  They need their parents less, and they move toward spending more time with friends, and sharing the values that their friends share, which may translate to spending less time with family, or sharing the values that their family share.   Occasionally they choose a peer group that isn't healthy for them, and the peer pressure may affect their decision making, and perhaps the family isn't enthralled with their new peer group...so...a sense of belonging is really important.

Maybe for you, a shift in perception of the situation could be helpful.  Instead of seeing it as a loss of belonging within your family (eg not being a part of family reunions), see it as a shift towards spending more time with positive people of your choosing (friends and family who make you feel good as opposed to bad or miserable).  Maybe think of it differently ...like a teenager (or adult) who chooses to leave a peer group that's getting them into trouble (or making them unhappy), and deciding to join a new peer group instead (in which they feel happier).

 Maybe loss can sometimes be OK, if what we are losing makes us unhappy and unwell...?  It's just that change is always difficult...

It's kind of like the saying, "when one door closes, another one usually opens"...
I used to absolutely hate that saying because it was so cliche, but now that I am in later middle age, I think it has some value.

Any change is disconcerting. While the door is closing, it looks like we are losing something (a sense of belonging to family, even if some of that family is disfunctional) and this is upsetting.  But then we start looking around, and lo and behind we find another door, and guess what...what's behind the new door is better than what we left behind.  And suddenly that feels good.  We just have to get through that process.  During that time, I think we need to remind ourselves that it will be ok, and we'll get through this like we've always got through everything else.

I don't think I articulated all that very well.  Too many words.  

The most painful decision that has been naging at my heart is knowing that I have to sell the family cottage and not go to family reunions any more

This really connected with me, because although I never had a family with a cottage, I had other experiences around camping with extended family, and going to visit family (this always diluted my mother's BP affect on me as an only child, as there were so many other people around).  As a child, those experiences were soo important to me.  So when you said "sell the family cottage", I thought "ouch", that's gotta hurt because there could be good memories tied up in the family cottage.  So not going to family reunions (probably many of which were at the cottage) represents a loss.  But you still have the good memories, even if you won't have the cottage.  Hang on to those, as no one can take them away, even with the cottage gone.

We change.  Stuff happens.  Our family changes.  Stuff happens.  Our community changes.  The world changes.  Stuff happens everywhere everyday.  We have to adapt.  You are adapting to a changing and difficult situation since your mother passed.  Settling the estate sounds like it could mean no more cottage physically.  But you still have the memories, and the positive healthy relationships you want to keep in your family.  Letting go of the family relationships that aren't so healthy and don't make you feel good is going to be a difficult process, but I don't know if it could help to think of it as disconnecting from a negative teenage peer group, and shifting to join a new group that let's you enjoy life a little more.

Just a little shift in thinking.  I think FF called it a "nudge" in another post somewhere.  I liked the idea of a "nudge".  Maybe this post isn't helpful cs I just don't understand the situation well enough.  Apologies if this is the case.  I'm just trying to find the direction the sun is coming from, and it's usually easier for me to see it when trying to help someone else, than if I need to look for it for myself (especially if mom has just raged at me again)!  

[TelHill]

...my plan to do one thing a day on the estate and then spend the rest of the day on happier activities. I have to stop procrastinating and avoiding things that are painful,  because drawing them out just increases the pain and disappointment. I also have to let go of perfection,

You've chosen a good plan to deal with this. I often start off tasks that are stressful for 30 minutes a day. I don't finish a task at first. This is simply to get comfortable with it. I skip days the task for that day if it's I'm overwhelmed. I get up to speed eventually. Don't know if this is helpful to you. You are not definitely not alone in the procrastination club!

The most painful decision that has been naging at my heart is knowing that I have to sell the family cottage and not go to family reunions any more. I feel like I get punished for no longer hanging my head, slouching, and becoming a person in my own right while no longer tolerating the family's cruel behaviors towards me and others. I am not feeling depressed today. I have made the decision that I will so much happier if I just have separate relationships with the family members I enjoy and avoid the family gatherings where there is always someone bad mouthing someone and certain members giving me dirty looks for no reason.

That is very hard to not have a beloved family home. Is it possible to visit the area when you can with a friend? The good memories can be there for you visiting the area and staying in a hotel. A good friend can offer you support when you start to feel down. They are invaluable.

Perhaps you can simply take a break from family reunions for now and decide later? I don't know your situation as well as you do. If after some thought, you feel you will be attacked for your right to stand up straight and be proud of yourself, you have the right to not participate in their lives.

My cousins have  undertaken odd actions and I do not trust them. One example was a deliberate attempt to spread rumors about me at my former workplace by a cousin. She is friends with a lower level worker there who knew of me since our departments worked together on some projects. There were also veiled health threats against an aunt/uncle. The latter left me aghast.  I don't know why they do/did this, but nc has stopped the tide towards me.

I don't mind throwing out examples of why I am lifelong nc with them if it helps to clarify a decision one wishes to make. I don't mean to talk about myself. I wonder if the bpd relative in our life is the tip of the iceberg of family dysfunction. It seems like that. My bpd mom rages and is mean, but she has never been as abjectly cruel and sinister as my cousins. They are like a low-level mafia.

zachira, you are a very strong person to trudge ahead in difficult circumstances. You are articulate and organized. I know you can do this task at your pace and do it well. Being average at it will be a rousing success. From your very average bpd family member, Tel Hill.

[zachira]

TelHill,
Thank you for your encouragement. I know you have been through alot and are very wise in your decisions going forward. I have much respect for your feedback and how you handle yourself with the challenges you face with your BPD mom and the cruel actions of your cousins whom you describe as like a low-level Mafia, which sounds alot like what I am dealing with many of my relatives.

All:
Today is one of my challenging days. My siblings have made some decisions about the estate that are very painful. I will have to talk to the lawyer though don't expect to go anywhere. I think my challenge is I have Complex PTSD and I can get really triggered by how cruel family members can be. I seem to do very well when I am completely away from all the family drama. I am starting to think that maybe getting some of my mom's possessions is just not all that important. I may not get any of the material possessions from my mom's estate, yet maybe this is about acceptance, not grieving endlessly about what I cannot change. I have to keep going forward being grateful that I am not as impaired as my siblings. I am able to have friends and many people genuinely do like and enjoy me. I know I am in some ways luckier than my siblings, because I can grow and change, and am not hopelessly brainwashed by so many toxic family narratives. I am working today to not ruminate so much, do some work on the estate, and then do my best to really enjoy the rest of the day.

[pursuingJoy]

Zachira, I'm having a rough day too. I wish your siblings could see you beyond their impairments. Does letting go of the material possessions symbolize letting go of the family you wish you had?

Thinking of you today. We can do this.

pj

[zachira]

PursuingJoy,
I am sorry you are having a rough day. Do you want to share here? I know sometimes just saying what is going on can really help.
You are right about letting go of the possesions is about letting go of the family I never had and will never have. I can create my own family with friends and caring distant relatives, yet it will never quite mean as much as to have the love of my siblings, my parents, and my first cousins. One of my goals is to get out there, and find a boyfriend, though I do want to be careful, as I can be devastated by the end of a relationship. I am currently reading: "Dating Radar" and learning about how to know who makes a healthy partner and what red flags to watch out for. My last attraction was to a guy that was pretending to be interested in me with his words, while his body language and actions said that he was not attracted to me at all. After seeing how he lights up around men that appear to be gay and stiff as board with dull eyes around the most attractive youthful woman, I have concluded he is gay, trying to act straight. I never responded to any of his overtures to go out because I knew something just wasn't right and felt he would really hurt me. I became attracted to him when I was really suffering from one of the most painful episodes of being painted black by my siblings. Now I am finding that I am attracting better people, and trying to get people to love me to repair what my family did to me has not happened for quite awhile.
Take care, and I hope your day starts to get better as it goes along.

[pursuingJoy]

I dont want to distract from our conversation on this thread. I posted about my day here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341342.0

Grieving the loss of living family is a unique monster.

I love that you can see how you're attracting better people now. That's huge. I can understand wanting to cautious but I'm going to hope with you and for you that better days are ahead and you'll find someone special. I'll be excited to hear about any dating prospects!

[Harri]

Hi zachira.     Settling estate issues is difficult enough and when conflict is present it just makes things so much worse.  On top of that you are dealing with grief of the loss of the family you never rally had.  It is a lot to deal with and I think you are doing well with it as hard and painful as it may be.

I too like your plan to spend a certain amount of time on estate business.  It makes sense.  There is only so much thinking and sitting with feelings that we can do.   One of the things I do in addition to just allowing the feelings to come is something Methuen talked about.   Looking at my perspective and changing the way I think about things.  Changing from a victim perspective to one where I have agency/choice/power.

I don't know if what I am going to say will work for you or if you feel you want to try so disregard if you choose.  It is a small tweak but for me it is powerful.

Changing the narrative we have that surrounds our experience is something that has helped me immensely.   We can't live in the present and heal from the past while running the same narrative in our minds.  So change the narrative (without denying the past) and out thoughts will change and then our emotions will follow.  Change your narrative to empower yourself rather than re-live the same tapes and perspective. 

For example,

I hope there will come a day when I only interact with my siblings by choice and not because I have to.

Here I see you choosing to interact with your siblings for reasons that are valid.  Looking at this as something you are forced to do seems (to me) to add a stumbling block to the mix and there are enough of those already.  Looking at this as a choice, because you could walk away even though the consequences are not what you want, is far more empowering IMO.  Change the narrative.   

I have to sell the place as the relationship with my sister has become unbearable, the costs prohibitive, and some of the neighbors are like my relatives having problems with NPD, so it is a very unpleasant situation.

Same here.  It seems to me that you are making a sound choice rather than 'having to' do something.  Maybe I am splitting hairs I don't know.  For me, when I use phrases like 'have to', I feel more upset and powerless.  Change it up.

Same thing with the term scapegoat.  Sometimes I read you saying "I am the scapegoat".  Change it to my family treats me as if I am a scapegoat.  When I changed that, a weight lifted and it was like a veil that clouded my vision was removed.

Words matter and are powerful and I do not mean that in a new agey way either.  Our words reflect our feelings.  Change the words and the feeling will follow.

I know you know this but I am going to say this anyway.     Healing is an active process where we make choices to heal and change the way our thoughts work and the language and actions we use.  Talking about emotions and feelings is important and healthy to give us context and to makes sense of the past.  It is not enough though.

Right now I am feeling my depression lifting, and realize I need to focus on the positive while letting the negative take up less space in my head.

I agree!   

The lesson in all this, is I need to keep my mouth shut, and I will come out smelling like a rose with the people who see what is really going on, and with others, it really does not matter what I do, I will always be the scapegoat, and it is their loss.

This reminds me of the importance and wisdom of Don't JADE.  Were you trying to explain and be heard by these family members?

I do think I am a really fine person in many ways

  I agree. 

Yesterday I went to Thanksgiving at a friend's house. I enjoyed my time there, and I did not let myself sink into the past narrative of how I am a reject and my family does not love me.

Excellent!  I am glad you were able to enjoy your time with friends who can enjoy you and choose to be with you.  That is a true blessing zachira.

I am sorry to read that today is a rough day for you.    

[zachira]

Harri,
Thank you. I agree with what you have said. It is so hard not to feel like a victim yet I am no longer a child and I have choices, though some very painful ones and other choices that are more empowering and self affirming. Right now, it is all about making the best choices, and spending as little time as possible dwelling on the pain, as it does not seem to help. I am going in and out of a depression right now. I have learned that I do well when making good choices about who I surround myself with and what activities I choose to do. If it were up to me at this moment, I would have no contact with my siblings yet right now I am still enmeshed with them financially and legally; there is more property to sell after the estate is settled, so I no longer have any financial connections to them, though much of the property, none of which is worth much, is unsellable, and I may choose to give it to my siblings rather than still have any financial connections to them. I have made some hard decisions this week: 1) I am no longer going to the family reunions or gatherings. I am tired of being treated like a scapegoat. With a family of many relatives with BPD and NPD, I am powerless to stop their need to dump their inferiority feelings onto others. I can only choose not to put myself in the line of fire. I also do not want to listen to my relatives painting others black. It is a toxic atmosphere that I choose to no longer be a part of.
2) I am going to sell all the properties as soon as I can. I don't want to have any more financial connections with my siblings, even if I have to give the properties to them or someone else.
3) If I don't get my share of my mother's personal belongings, I will let that go. The most important thing is my mental health. Life is short and I want to live it to the fullest.
4) I am going to keep on working on keeping my mouth shut though sometimes I do have to speak up to reinforce boundaries.
I know there are a lot of great people out there. There are certainly many people who are kind to me, appreciate me and with whom I am able to have balanced empathetic reciprocal communication.
I realize that some of my biggest strengths are how different I am from my family members with BPD and NPD. I am able to see people for who they are, expect to be treated with kindness and respect, try to treat others the way I want to be treated, am open to growing, and taking constructive feedback. I realize that many of my family members have died without being able to do any of the above, and that for those who are still alive there is little hope that they will change. I feel compassion for them, yet I cannot continue to be around them condoning how they mistreat others.

[TelHill]

All:
Today is one of my challenging days. My siblings have made some decisions about the estate that are very painful. I will have to talk to the lawyer though don't expect to go anywhere. I think my challenge is I have Complex PTSD and I can get really triggered by how cruel family members can be. I seem to do very well when I am completely away from all the family drama. I am starting to think that maybe getting some of my mom's possessions is just not all that important. I may not get any of the material possessions from my mom's estate, yet maybe this is about acceptance, not grieving endlessly about what I cannot change. I have to keep going forward being grateful that I am not as impaired as my siblings. I am able to have friends and many people genuinely do like and enjoy me. I know I am in some ways luckier than my siblings, because I can grow and change, and am not hopelessly brainwashed by so many toxic family narratives. I am working today to not ruminate so much, do some work on the estate, and then do my best to really enjoy the rest of the day.

Sorry you are having a bad day, zachira. Can you negotiate with your siblings for some of the possessions? If it's not too triggering, it may give you a boost of self-confidence even if you get nowhere.

I have to deal with my own dysregulation from PTSD. I tend to fight and lose my temper easily. That's not good in many situations.  Although you know it inside out, read through the good information on this site, including radical acceptance. 

Some days just are not good ones, even for those who had supportive, wonderful parents. There's always the silver lining after the dark clouds. It may sound trite, but it's true.