moment of weakness... feeling disempowered over what i did

[truthbeknown]

Okay,  i was doing really well and then last night i saw a post by one of my fb friends that is a friend to my ex.   This person and her boyfriend were the last people we went out on a date with before things fell apart last year.   Ultimately i cut off contact with her because of how she disrespected me and treated me.   I had a closure email with her in Dec of last year and yet i got triggered last night. 

I have been back in the state where she lives (been away due to work since the breakup) and was initially emotionally charged when i first got here.  I managed to avoid a near miss with her at a function that i decided not to go to last week.  I really wanted to go but was afraid that she might be there and that i wouldn't know how to deal with it.  So i thought, "i'm making progress and protecting myself." 

Then last night one of the female friends who double-dated with us was on fb.  I commented on her post because she said she was going out with her boyfriend for the early bd celebration.   She commented back that it was his bd in a few days.   So all of a sudden i just found myself fb messaging her to say "please tell him i said hi and happy bday."  she said, "i will.  how are you doing?"   I replied, "doing well back in town and i wish i could get together with you guys but you probably know that (blank) and I aren't together anymore."   She said, "yes I know.  are you here for work or living here".   

I replied that i was here for work and thought of it as an innocent conversation.  But then she didn't answer the next message and yet was online.  I immediately thought, "i boy, she is probably texting my ex right now?"

So anyway, in the end, only after I did this did i realize that i may have come off as me being meloncholy and missing her?  or being nostalgic? and that probably put me in a weak position to my ex (making it look like i was needy?).   

I didn't think about this or think this through before the text.  I just wanted to see if an old mutual friend would connect or if i had been painted so black as to not get a response.  So on one hand i was relieved that she answered but then on the other hand i felt like i basically just communicated through a mutual friend that i was missing or feeling nostalgic about my ex?  IDK but i woke up feeling emotionally distraught again because i really got to the bottom of what i was feeling.  And the feeling was that i may not come back to this state for awhile or even ever? and i can't even say goodbye to my ex because i know she is going out with someone else and there is too much risk for me to contact her.   I don't want a recycle. In fact i'm not sure what i want?  Do i hope that she'll say she is sorry ?  doubt it... .  Was i just triggered by the lack of closure? 

I felt like i had been healing up and suddenly by contacting the friend i felt as if i just ripped my wound open again.  Maybe subconsciously i was testing this through a friend so that i could see how i felt and the dangers of really contacting her?  maybe i needed to experience how treacherous it is to have any contact with any mutual friends? 

I feel conflicted again and don't know how to resolve my inner conflict about contacting her.  Being here in this state and now getting ready to leave tomorrow brought up all kinds of emotions.  I know i should have posted this before sending the message but it was like i was a moth led to the fire through facebook.  Once i saw the post my brain just went back into another groove and i realize now that i didn't protect myself.  I got lured in again thinking that somehow if she knew i was in town maybe SHE would contact me.  What was i thinking? 

Part of me wishes that i would have just gone to the function and then at least seeing her would have given me closure.  I'm so bad at this... .

[Mutt]

Hi truthbeknown,

Part of me wishes that i would have just gone to the function and then at least seeing her would have given me closure.  I'm so bad at this... .

I think that it’s normal to have these feelings, you need more time behind you initially did the right and still are but there’s another part of you that still has feelings for your ex and is trying veer in that direction instinctively you know that it doesn’t feel right follow your intuition.

Detachment is a process it takes time you did the right thing by asking for feedback.

[truthbeknown]

I got to the bottome of why i was motivated to chat with the mutual friend today.  I do believe that her friends are people that "report back to her" and so i figure she will know i'm in town for sure.   

At first i thought "why did i do that?".   But then today, i felt more of what part of me wanted that.  It is the part of me that says, "if she knows that i'm town from her spy friends and doesn't reach out then i know she is still in the relationship with the new guy and therefore isn't vested in seeing me or reaching out to me."   since she hasn't called etc now i have started to look at things differently.  The realization that she never really cared about me is kicking in and now some anger about her using me and discarding me is coming through but in reading another post I also realized that I'm the one making the decision not to be in a relationship with someone who would tell me they love me and then sleep with another man behind my back.  Why would i want that? 

I suppose it's about letting go of the original person that i thought i knew.  I don't know her anymore but i know what she is capable and not capable of.   She doesn't make my list but part of my brain is still remember the fake personality that she offered me.   It's like falling in love with an android that doesn't have feelings but was programed to tell you the right things and do the right things and then suddenly their program got corrupted and they started using those things on another subject.   

I'm glad i didn't go to because i still would have had a hard time in public playing pretend like each other.

[Mutt]

suppose it's about letting go of the original person that i thought i knew.

That’s right. Skip says it’s letting go of hope, letting go of wanting the person to return to a permanent of idealization, it’s radically accepting our exes for whit’ they are not what we wish them to be.

Also, once that it was confirmed that my ex was sleeping with another while we were married destroyed any last shred of trust that I had left for her. If you can’t trust your gf/wife then you have to ask yourself what kind of r/s that you have. Some can work with it some can’t.

It’s probably a good thing that she didn’t respond it won’t reopen old wounds and gives you time to detach / heal. She did hi a favor by not responding back.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tbk, I suggest pausing next time before jumping into a conversation on FB.  When I feel a little uneasy about any message that I'm thinking of sending, I like to put it on the "back burner" for the night and look at if fresh in the morning.  Usually by the next day, after sleeping on it, I know exactly what I want to say, or what I will decline to say, or if I will respond at all.  In this fashion, I don't react in "knee-jerk" fashion; instead, I figure out a response, if any, that works best for me.  Does this make sense?  Sounds like you figured out your motives, which is a step in the right direction.

LuckyJim

[truthbeknown]

lucky Jim,

I seem to react more when i'm on my phone too much and it almost shuts down or inhibits my prefrontal cortex (the phone)- i just sort of get sucked right into online land and before i know it I'm regretting interacting?  But i hear what you are saying- it must have just hit me at the wrong time and maybe subconsciously i wanted her to know i was in town ?  maybe?   IDK.   My reasoning is always better in hindsight.

I did avoid going to places where she could have popped up etc.  And i had a near miss at a religious event the week prior.  It's strange but since i know she's been with another guy already I don't want to see her in public and pretend like she does (having our masks on).   So i'm glad the way things worked out.  I think this one completes a cycle for me and maybe it's a sign i should be done with romantic relationships?  The first girl i was intimate with i caught in bed with another guy the next week.  That caused me to pick my wife who i thought was safe because she was average and less attractive.  All and all that didn't work so this one seems to complete some sort of cycle. 

I know its a mess out there in general in our society.  Just read an article that cheating in married couples is estimated at 30-60 percent of marriages and higher for single or non married couples.  Feels like the end of safe relationships.   Pretty bummed about this.  I don't think i can handle another one of these    Maybe safer not to play the relationship game anymore?

[Lucky Jim]

Maybe safer not to play the relationship game anymore?

Hey tbk, Don't give up the ship!  There are good people out there.  Your task is to find them.

LuckyJim

[truthbeknown]

thanks lucky Jim.    The ones that i think are good are already taken-

But thanks for the encouragement.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi tbk,

I would agree to some degree that dating might be best put on a back burner.  At least for now.  From the sounds of it, you still have some things to work through on your healing and I'd encourage you to take the time to focus fully on that.  What does the cycle say to you other than that the world is a messed up place full of cheats?

Love and light x

[truthbeknown]

Harley,

it says that it's time that i write a solution to the problem book and start using it myself. 

There are some things i know that can help weed out cheaters and when she wouldn't agree to it i knew that meant something.  It just took time for the real evidence to show itself.   

I think from now on I'll have to use what i know to prescreen before I become intimate with someone again.  I'm too trusting and the world right now is in a place of chaos. 

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hey tbk, I suggest pausing next time before jumping into a conversation on FB.  When I feel a little uneasy about any message that I'm thinking of sending, I like to put it on the "back burner" for the night and look at if fresh in the morning.  Usually by the next day, after sleeping on it, I know exactly what I want to say, or what I will decline to say, or if I will respond at all.  In this fashion, I don't react in "knee-jerk" fashion; instead, I figure out a response, if any, that works best for me.  Does this make sense?  Sounds like you figured out your motives, which is a step in the right direction.

LuckyJim

I totally agree with LuckyJim, I was to irrational to start and would respond to anything, even send messages without any contact from him.  No I write, I read, I amend, I have a very close friend I send them to instead.  She lets me pretend I'm writing to him.  May sound weird but it works.

Actually last night we read all my emails back and the change in tone and content is remarkable.  We all have set backs.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  But I've realised (maybe) too late that nothing I say will ever get through to him, I know that when I hit a chord with him the abuse starts.  Everyone is right here, these people are not the people we fell in love with after they have devalued us.

How are you doing anyway?

JNTT

[Lucky Jim]

Now I write, I read, I amend, I have a very close friend I send them to instead.  She lets me pretend I'm writing to him.  May sound weird but it works.

JNTT:  Sending the messages to your close friend strikes me as a really healthy practice.  In a similar vein, when my BPDxW and I were separated, she used to send me all sorts of degrading, abusive messages.  Rather than read them, I had an arrangement with my sister to forward the messages to her and she would let me know if there was anything that warranted a reply.  That arrangement helped me distance myself from the drama.

LJ