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She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Topic: She is pregnant and wants to move back home (Read 594 times)
raytamtay3
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She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
on:
January 03, 2017, 11:11:05 AM »
Hi everyone. I know I've been MIA, but it's because things were relatively calm. The cliffs notes version is DD ran away from the group home to GA. In GA you are considered an adult at 17. She was recently arrested there for shoplifting and was going to be extradited back, but I convinced the judge that she was better off there... .she had a place she was renting with others and seemed to be doing ok. Well now she tells me she is pregnant and wants to move back home! I don't know what to do! I am so afraid to have her home but on the other hand, feel bad that she's pregnant and was just evicted from her house. My DH is against it. And I understand why. But as a mom, I'm so torn right now. For those who know our story, any words of wisdom?
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Dibdob59
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #1 on:
January 03, 2017, 12:31:08 PM »
Hi Ray
Long time no hear. Sorry to see you are having issues again.
First things first - is the pregnancy confirmed or could it be a manipulation to be allowed to return home? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but when panic sets in our BPDs can resort to being less than honest to get their needs met.
Dibdob
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #2 on:
January 03, 2017, 12:56:41 PM »
Quote from: Dibdob59 on January 03, 2017, 12:31:08 PM
Hi Ray
Long time no hear. Sorry to see you are having issues again.
First things first - is the pregnancy confirmed or could it be a manipulation to be allowed to return home? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but when panic sets in our BPDs can resort to being less than honest to get their needs met.
Dibdob
Hi Dibdob! Please be as blunt as you want! Sometimes us nons need tough love too! I do believe she is. She was living with a guy and she sent me pictures of the positive pregnancy tests.
I know this sounds bad, but I don't want her home. I know it will turn in to a nightmare. But I do feel really sorry for her. She wanted to be a grown up though, and so this is part of that. I can't always be there to clean up her messes. Since she's been in GA, I've been helping her here and there. I don't mind doing that. I've sent her links to resources down there, but she told me to stop since I'm not willing to help her out. I know in my head making her figure this out for herself is the absolute right thing to do, but as usual, it's my heart that has trouble following suit.
She ran from a placement in a different county than ours. They are the ones who temporarily lifted her bench warrant pending her getting herself established in GA, at which point, they were dropping the bench warrant all together. However, I was told if she comes back to NJ, her case will be transferred back to our county. And the judge in our county told her at the time she imposed the treatment home that if she ran from it, she would be going away for a long time.
So I told my DD to remember that. That there is a very good chance if she does come back to NJ, it won't be to my house, but to Juvi or another group home.
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Dibdob59
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #3 on:
January 03, 2017, 01:13:09 PM »
Hi Ray
Sorry - several questions
So your DD is no longer with the father - am I right in thinking this?
Does she intend to continue the pregnancy?
Does she intend to keep the baby?
Is she capable of raising the baby?
I guess you may not know the answers to these questions yet.
It may be that she thinks the outstanding warrant will not be actioned on her return if she is pregnant. In my experience BPDs can often have distorted thinking when faced with distressing situations. She may be convincing herself that this baby will change her life or save her - these are phrases I have heard so I apologise if I am off the mark here.
This is tough on you - I have been through it with a BPD in a similar way. It is frightening to think of our BPD loved one (who cannot take care of themselves) suddenly being responsible for a baby. A natural reaction is to think you will be expected to take on the responsibility for the baby instead of your DD - is that part of your thinking?
Dibdob
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #4 on:
January 03, 2017, 02:12:09 PM »
Initially, she wanted to bring the boyfriend with her. And yes, she is continuing with the pregnancy, but had mentioned that if she doesn't have her stuff together two months prior to delivery, she was giving it up for adoption.
No, she is not capable of raising a baby. Some say that sometimes having children make people change for the better. I really don't know if that will happen or not. I do know my DD is very selfish. And yes I do see me being the one raising it.
My sister has my 28 year old niece, her DD, living with her with a 10 year old DS and a new baby on the way! I do not want to live like that and constantly tell my sister to make her get her own place, etc., because I said she is enabling her. I don't want to do what she is doing. There is no guarantee that if my DD comes home, she won't be just like her.
This is so hard. To think of her living on the street makes me very sad.
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Dibdob59
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #5 on:
January 03, 2017, 02:26:30 PM »
If she and the boyfriend are still together is there no way they can find somewhere to live where she is now and then raise the baby together?
Do you believe that the underlying reason why she wants to come home is because she wants you to take responsibility for her, for the pregnancy and for the baby?
Do you think she may then leave you to raise the baby and run again?
Sorry - hard questions as you cannot know what she is thinking, I get that.
I can understand why you are feeling fear faced with this turn of events. Just when we feel we can take a step back and let our grown BPD kids deal with the natural consequences of their own actions a baby comes into the mix. This complicates matters as the baby may end up being the one to suffer and not our adult kids.
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #6 on:
January 04, 2017, 08:45:39 AM »
Today is a better day.
She called me this morning. She started a new job yesterday as a waitress. She's beginning to have frequent morning sickness though, and is calling out today... .
She is still with the boyfriend. I asked her what her plan was, and she said she didn't know... .one of her roommates just started getting food stamps, and my DD is asking me to send her SS card and birth certificate so she can apply too. I think I will request a back up set of both in the event she looses them.
The thing that really has me concerned is how my DD has told me she has hit her boyfriend on more than one occasion during arguments. She said his face is all messed up from one from last night. She tells me he has never hit her, but if she keeps it up, he may eventually... . I told her she needs to stop that. She said he knows her triggers when she is upset, yet pushes them. He is just like her too I'm afraid. The reason they got evicted is because when he gets mad, he destroys things, i.e., her phone, holes in walls, doors broken, etc. just like she did while living with us. Not good people.
But she seemed to resign to the fact that she made her bed and now needs to sleep in it. That I will offer my help and support from a distance, but that is all I can offer her right now.
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Dibdob59
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #7 on:
January 04, 2017, 08:55:22 AM »
I am glad you have had a more positive phone call with your DD. Their situations are always fluid and whist we are at home worrying about them, things in their world often change.
It is early days in the pregnancy I guess. She and her boyfriend will need to consider the anger and volatility in their relationship if they are bringing a baby isn't their lives . However you have no control over that so for today just breathe.
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #8 on:
January 06, 2017, 12:48:12 PM »
She had her first appointment yesterday, and sure enough, there is a baby. She is 6 1/2 weeks. I still don't know how I feel about this, but I know there isn't anything I can do about it.
We had court yesterday (she attended via conference call), and the judge wants to gather more information prior to deciding whether or not to have her extradited home. So that's still up in the air.
She still calls me every day. Mainly to complain about how sick she is (pregnancy related).
Just another thing to mourn about. Having my first grandchild brought in to this mess of a life.
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mggt
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #9 on:
January 07, 2017, 10:46:04 AM »
Dear ray, Wow sorry to hear this latest news not that having a baby is bad news buttttt i have to gc the first one I raised and the second one we hardly see my d has used our gd against us for years saying do this or do that or you wont see her . She has used her as a pawn since day one and now 5 years old and we dont see it ever changing she doesnt realize what she is doing is hurting her d vs hurting us . She really doesnt have the capability to put her child first and prob never will we see our gd once a month and have only seen our gs 3 times now he is one years old . Such a long story with new bf father of our grandson and we do not like or get along with him at all . But for all the heartache and anger they are the loves of our lives very complicated
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #10 on:
January 20, 2017, 11:06:34 AM »
The judge granted her NJ juvenile case being transferred to GA. So now she has a juvenile probation officer there as well as a GA adult juvenile probation officer.
The drama is really unfolding as I type. She has known for about a month, that everyone living in her house needs to leave. The landlord has been more than patient, but about an hour ago said they had to leave today. He has already brought through other people to rent it. They have not paid rent in over a month there... .
Her boyfriend/baby daddy treats her very badly. He defintley has a major anger issue. Has broken two of her phones, they fight constantly, holes in the wall at the house, which is another reason why they are being kicked out. She was in the hospital last week because she had numbness down the left side. Well with my having a stroke at 40, I told her to call 911, which she did. They didn't find anything wrong other and after falling asleep there, she woke up feeling fine. It's stress. While she was on the phone with me, while she was in the hospital, they were arguing. He was calling her thot (clan for whore these days), said the only reason she's acting that way was because she knew he couldn't put his hands on her with people around... .she and her roommate (who hates him) contend he has never laid a hand on her other than "to push her, smush her face in to the bed, throw her off of him"... . Text book BPD relationship it appears... . That day she said she wanted to come. I even bought her a train ticket. She backed out and stayed for him... .
Well now she is being kicked out and wants to come home... .with him. I said she is more than welcome to come home, by herself, get herself situated (job, welfare, housing), etc. and then if she chooses to have him come to NJ, then she can have him move in with her at her own place. She is now threatening to kill herself... .They have been together 4 MONTHS. And she's two months pregnant... .
She asked me if I would co-sign for an apartment there. Neither have a job. She said she can easily get one and have next months rent. I asked where? Do you all remember, she has three different jobs in two months for which she got fired from one up and left the other without notice). I told her sorry, no. I reiterated that her only option is to come home alone.
Now she's texting me saying she found a place for $500 a month in PA that doesn't do credit checks. I said she needs a job first.
So help me people because she'd doing her badgering thing and countering everything I say.
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Dibdob59
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #11 on:
January 20, 2017, 03:34:32 PM »
Hi Ray
Whether deliberately or not she has manipulated you into FOG. I personally do not think that our BPDs do this intentionally all of the time, but out of panic and fear, they habitually take us there.
She is panicking, afraid and demanding you fix things.
You have offered her a solution
She does not like that solution because she is determined not to be alone while pregnant and prefers to keep her (toxic) boyfriend with her.
Fear is playing its part in her actions. However the situations with our BPDs are fluid and the dynamics change constantly.
It is hard for us, as parents, to remain calm and objective through this.
Take a step back. Tell yourself you have offered her a solution out of love and concern that she has the option to accept.
Breathe, I truly, truly know how you feel. I have been there. I am here with you now.
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #12 on:
January 24, 2017, 11:24:49 AM »
This time I really should not be in FOG because she is the one who chose to run rather than finish out the program she was in. She chose not to use birth control and get pregnant. She chose to get a place there under shady circumstances.
And yes, I did offer a solution to her problem which as of right now, she is refusing to accept because she won't leave the b/f even until she can get everything set up.
It's just stressful. I know pretty soon we are going to be scrambling getting her another train ticket home. She keeps on thinking she could get a place to rent with no income. She wants me to sign for a place and I told her no.
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #13 on:
January 24, 2017, 02:04:47 PM »
She is coming home. Police showed up at the house to evict them. Before they showed, her boyfriend destroyed the house because she took their dog out for a walk and when he called yelling at her asking where she was, she said none of his business. So when she got home, he pulled her sneakers off and threw them at her, then knocked stuff off the wall with one hitting her in the head. She says she has a large bump on the side of her head. So anyway, I'm sending an uber to take her to the train station and she will be arriving home at 9:30 am tomorrow. Pray for us.
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Kwamina
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #14 on:
January 25, 2017, 09:41:31 AM »
Hi raytamtay3
I am hopping back over from Coping & Healing. I have still been following your story and the struggles you have with your daughter have not left my mind
How are things now? Is your daughter back home?
The Board Parrot
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #15 on:
January 25, 2017, 12:10:32 PM »
Hi Kwamina
She arrived this morning, and I had an uber take her to her friend's house in PA so I can pick her up on my way home.
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #16 on:
January 25, 2017, 01:30:25 PM »
She's already fighting with me about going out tonight! I told her not tonight, she just came home. And I'm getting the song and dance about me treating her like a child, how she needs her friends right now because she's depressed, yadda yadda. Saying how she was hesitant to come home because she knows we don't mesh well, and is talking about going back now. I said if that's how she feels than go. She sais she's only staying for a few days than going back. I said than she mind as well stay at her friend's house where she is right now.
Unbelievable. Couldn't even make it a day!
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #17 on:
January 25, 2017, 03:36:01 PM »
She finally admitted to being selfish and agreed to stay in tonight.
My DH wants to get her back in to a program thinking it will help her. I've come to the conclusion they do not work for mine. She's been in two residential treatment homes and a group home and they don't work for her. I want to get her set up with welfare and have already put her on the waiting list for housing.
Back to being in the middle. Ugh.
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Bright Day Mom
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #18 on:
January 25, 2017, 04:04:49 PM »
Ray I feel terrible that you are in the throws of it all once again. Do you still have connections with a Perform Care CMO? Maybe they can step in and spearhead the next move for you? From one Jersey girl to another, I'm praying for you!
Bright Day Mom
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #19 on:
January 27, 2017, 01:25:37 PM »
So today, DD is saying how she doesn't want to have a baby. There is a concert this weekend that she wants to go to and feels she can't because she is pregnant. So she's already having selfish thoughts.
I don't know what's worse. Her keeping it, which seems like she knows she'd have many restrictions which would help keep her from running. Or giving it up, which would allow her to try and get her life together, but that would be 50/50 because she's already talking about not being able to live her life. Which I take as not being able to smoke pot.
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mggt
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #20 on:
January 29, 2017, 12:27:05 PM »
Dear ray, no advice just thinking of you
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raytamtay3
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #21 on:
February 20, 2017, 10:37:46 AM »
Forgive me in advance for this rant that is all over the place because I am extremely stressed out and anxious again.
Am I wrong for hoping against hope that now that my DD is pregnant, she will get her act together? Am I wrong to try and help her achieve that despite everything we’ve been through?
It’s so hard balancing helping her and enabling her. I find myself in quite a little tundra again. She paid for her boyfriend to come down from GA because she says she loves him and wants to try and make it work with having the baby and all... . They are both working at the same place, and he is staying in a hotel until the 1st wherein he will be moving in to a house to rent a room about 5 miles from me. I've been running rampant helping to get them set up in a hotel close to work and helping pay for UBER to work. Then picking them up from work. I'm doing a lot. Probably more than I should but there isn't anyone else to help them. I found her the desk job. I found him the place to live because DH refuses to let him stay with us, which I agree with.
My DD’s story has now changed to that she is the one who hits him. How he never hit her directly and how the last incident where she got hurt was when he swiped everything off of a shelf so hard that one of the knickknacks hit her on the side of the head.
I’ve met him quite a few times so far. He seems like a decent guy . However, I have witnessed one of their fights yesterday. My DD went after him because he pushed one of her buttons . Neither one backed down, and my daughter went after him. It does worry me how they are both stubborn in that respect and know exactly how to push each other’s buttons. It is absolutely a toxic situation, but shouldn’t I expect that any relationship my DD finds herself in will be because she craves the drama? It makes me flash back to how her father was with me. It’s as if they need to have chaos in their life by creating drama just to feel normal or something. I made it clear that I will not tolerate that type of behavior and told my DD in private that if I feel he is being too aggressive or damages any property of their/hers, I'm done. She agreed.
In my warped mind, I feel that at least by them being close to me, I can oversee the situation better. But my husband is not happy about this at all. Tries to remind me how I brought her back to escape what she described as a very tumultuous and dangerous situation only to turn around and now try and help them.
Tension in the house when they come over is horrible because of my husband. He does not make them feel welcome whatsoever and refuses to even try. It’s as if he just simply cannot and will not move on from what’s happened in the past. His guard is always up. I feel like I have to watch everything I do and say because he literally is watching and listening to everything. I can’t stand living this way. My mom is pissed off at DH because of the way he treated my DD and her BF when they came over yesterday when I stepped out for a bit. She said they did absolutely nothing wrong and he woke up at 2:00 PM coming out saying oh it’s you guys who are waking me up…they were watching tv with my son…who by the way loves the bf.
And I do know I’m back to catering to DD. I do understand DH’s points. But as I have always said, I can’t give up on my DD. I’m back in the same cycle I’ve always been in. Second guessing every decision I make because of what my DH says. Even though he has cameras everywhere and locks on everything, he still feels threatened when anyone is over. Anyone.
It’s really hard living this way. I feel like I’m always being watched and listened to. And I’m tired of making excuses for him because he is sneaky and says things to me rather than to the person he has a problem with making me to always be the bad guy to appease him on a lot of things I personally could care less about. Sometimes I’d rather just be one my own to deal with it rather than have the extra stress of worrying about how not to upset him. Am I wrong in my thinking. Give it to me straight because I need objective points of view again. I feel so torn again.
My DD is trying again. I can see it. She has worked her ass off 12 hour shifts at work trying to save money for the baby and a place of their own.
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Lollypop
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Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
«
Reply #22 on:
February 20, 2017, 10:53:17 AM »
Hi there raytamtay
Oh boy, you've got a lot going on here and it's no wonder you're feeling the way you do.
Excerpt
Am I wrong for hoping against hope that now that my DD is pregnant, she will get her act together?
I really don't see that you've got any other choice than to hope. She's having a baby and is showing you that she's working hard to save up ready and this is a good sign. I think you're doing the very best you can for her while being aware of the thin line between support and enabling. I drove my BPDs to and from work for five months and I don't regret it; I learnt how he was doing and knowledge is power.
Excerpt
It is absolutely a toxic situation, but shouldn’t I expect that any relationship my DD finds herself in will be because she craves the drama?
Any relationship is going to be difficult for your daughter and it sounds like it's been a stressful time for them both. Early days in their relationship too. Do you think he's committed to your daughter and baby and willing to try his best to make this work? Have you spoken to him about this?
Excerpt
I can’t stand living this way.
I'm not sure if you're feeling this way because of the security system your husband has introduced or that he doesn't agree with your actions regarding your daughter.?
Excerpt
Sometimes I’d rather just be one my own to deal with it rather than have the extra stress of worrying about how not to upset him.
I totally understand this. My H has criticised regularly in the last 14 months as I've worked hard on trying to find a way forward for us as a family with my bods26 living with us. That negativity has got me down at times. I finally realised that he used to divide and conquer all of us and that both of my sons were walking on egg shells around him. By me changing my approach, being consistent and demonstrating better communication and validation skills the family dynamics have improved. I try and help him be a better father and he finds the whole parenting thing very challenging; he's tired. I accept he does his best but he can try harder.
I'm going to say one further thing only as you've asked for direct feedback.
A family home is a home that is both loving and supportive for everybody. A place that everyone can feel safe to make mistakes without judgment. Relaxed and happy where everyone can be themselves.
This is where I started my BPD journey as my home just wasn't like that. It's better now though because I changed it.
I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. It certainly sounds very stressful,
When is the baby due?
How old is your son and how's he feel about his sister being back?
What does your husband want you to do?
Hugs
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 2
Re: She is pregnant and wants to move back home
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Reply #23 on:
June 30, 2017, 10:36:30 AM »
I feel for you and I can relate to everything you've said. My daughter has just told us that she is pregnant. She is in her 1st year at university. Both she and her boyfriend self harm regularly and the relationship is volatile. She is only 19 and desperately wants a baby but cannot see the reality of her situation.
She has been treated for anorexia and then admitted to a psych ward in the last three years for suicide attempts. She is doing okay at the moment but I know this can change in a heartbeat.
She cannot support herself (but she thinks they can) and doesn't accept how hard it is to raise a baby, particularly when you're that young and with no money.
I have said that one of her considerations needs to be that they need to support themselves if they continue. I know it sounds selfish but I have spent the last 6-8 years waiting for the "break" of university.
To have my BPD daughter along with a baby seems a step too far for me. Having said that, I know that I will step in if it becomes too hard for her. I think she also knows this though.
Please let me know how you are coping and how your daughter is doing. Thinking of you.
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