Waiting for the other shoe to drop

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm relatively new to the boards and I just switched my status from Undecided to Staying with my uBPDgf.  Two things caused this:

1. I've realized I am not ready to (and don't know if I want to) leave

2. We had a really great night together last night and it makes me feel like things can be good

The second reason makes me feel like I am lying to myself.  When we are together and things are good it feels like the best relationship anyone could ever be in.  But then when we are apart, I start thinking about her episodes of rage and all the hurt and pain it has put me through. 

In the back of my mind, there is always this fear of what is going to set her off.  Is this any way to live?  When she is upset I try so hard to be rational, but I am learning from these boards that she is not in a rational state at that time. If I am staying in this relationship, I need to take a long look in the mirror and develop the skills to deal with her when she goes off. 

So like I said, I am lying to myself if I think everything is going to go along just fine. One part of me is terrified of the next time she rages, because the last time did such emotional damage to me.  But another part wonders if between us going to therapy together (it's been a few sessions) and my learning coping strategies and better reactions if we could have a happy relationship together. 

I'm an optimistic person, with a problem-solving approach to life.  But it seems like a rational reaction to a pwBPD often only makes things worse.

[StayOrLeave15]

I'm relatively new to the boards and I just switched my status from Undecided to Staying with my uBPDgf.  Two things caused this:

1. I've realized I am not ready to (and don't know if I want to) leave

2. We had a really great night together last night and it makes me feel like things can be good

The second reason makes me feel like I am lying to myself.  When we are together and things are good it feels like the best relationship anyone could ever be in.  But then when we are apart, I start thinking about her episodes of rage and all the hurt and pain it has put me through. 

In the back of my mind, there is always this fear of what is going to set her off.  Is this any way to live?  When she is upset I try so hard to be rational, but I am learning from these boards that she is not in a rational state at that time. If I am staying in this relationship, I need to take a long look in the mirror and develop the skills to deal with her when she goes off. 

So like I said, I am lying to myself if I think everything is going to go along just fine. One part of me is terrified of the next time she rages, because the last time did such emotional damage to me.  But another part wonders if between us going to therapy together (it's been a few sessions) and my learning coping strategies and better reactions if we could have a happy relationship together. 

I'm an optimistic person, with a problem-solving approach to life.  But it seems like a rational reaction to a pwBPD often only makes things worse.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm relatively new to the boards and I just switched my status from Undecided to Staying with my uBPDgf.  Two things caused this:

1. I've realized I am not ready to (and don't know if I want to) leave

2. We had a really great night together last night and it makes me feel like things can be good

The second reason makes me feel like I am lying to myself.  When we are together and things are good it feels like the best relationship anyone could ever be in.  But then when we are apart, I start thinking about her episodes of rage and all the hurt and pain it has put me through. 

In the back of my mind, there is always this fear of what is going to set her off.  Is this any way to live?  When she is upset I try so hard to be rational, but I am learning from these boards that she is not in a rational state at that time. If I am staying in this relationship, I need to take a long look in the mirror and develop the skills to deal with her when she goes off. 

So like I said, I am lying to myself if I think everything is going to go along just fine. One part of me is terrified of the next time she rages, because the last time did such emotional damage to me.  But another part wonders if between us going to therapy together (it's been a few sessions) and my learning coping strategies and better reactions if we could have a happy relationship together. 

I'm an optimistic person, with a problem-solving approach to life.  But it seems like a rational reaction to a pwBPD often only makes things worse.

And it is very random... . some rational things are fine.  What you have to understand is that it's all about the pwBPD's feelings. 

That is why validation is so important... . they can't soothe their own feelings... . and the job of the non is to help them do that without getting abused... . too bad.

Hopefully a more senior member can explain that a little better... . but I think you get the point.

[MissyM]

Welcome, and I really relate to this

I'm an optimistic person, with a problem-solving approach to life.  But it seems like a rational reaction to a pwBPD often only makes things worse.

That definitely describes me.  What I am learning in DBT therapy for couples is that I tend to live in my logical mind and my dBPDh lives in his emotional mind.  Therefore, learning to live in our wise mind, using both emotion and logic equally will bring more balance to our relationship.  Being mindful of each other and not as concerned about who is "right", is a big adjustment in my thinking.  I tend to want to do things the "right" way and find it very frustrating that my dBPDh doesn't do things that way.  The lessons on validation and SET are very helpful.  Keep reading and posting!

[aspiegirl23]

Yes, a video I watched about BPD said that pwBPD do not have the brain mechanisms to put the brakes on their emotions.

I am half like this myself, so I know what it can be like.

But it is a LOT worse for my BPDh.

It does help me at times though to remember that he can't put the brakes on his emotions and I feel sorry for him and empathise with him.

I get so confused when he accuses me of stuff which is just so ridiculous and a straight out lie. But, I am still learning to try to understand that he lives in a world of emotions. It must be scary. It must make them feel so out of control! It must be really confusing to know what is real and what isn't. And it must make them suspicious so they can try to protect themselves from negative, intense, out of control emotions.

My issues is that my own emotions get triggered from his and then we are such an ugly pair to be around, it is awful.

You need a lot of self knowledge. You need to have a lot of compassion. You need to be able forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive... . and then forgive some more. You need to have support. This board is great!

You can do a rational reaction. You just need to use your problem-solving abilities to come up with the right rational reaction to a pwBPD. I am still getting there but I think it is possible.

[StayOrLeave15]

The other shoe dropped on Saturday. What a surprise.

Formflier has been on it with me, but the details are in my post "She pushed me over the edge... . and I reacted"

I don't know if I can stick this thing out but all the information I have found here is very helpful.