I'm relatively new to the boards and I just switched my status from Undecided to Staying with my uBPDgf. Two things caused this:
1. I've realized I am not ready to (and don't know if I want to) leave
2. We had a really great night together last night and it makes me feel like things can be good
The second reason makes me feel like I am lying to myself. When we are together and things are good it feels like the best relationship anyone could ever be in. But then when we are apart, I start thinking about her episodes of rage and all the hurt and pain it has put me through.
In the back of my mind, there is always this fear of what is going to set her off. Is this any way to live? When she is upset I try so hard to be rational, but I am learning from these boards that she is not in a rational state at that time. If I am staying in this relationship, I need to take a long look in the mirror and develop the skills to deal with her when she goes off.
So like I said, I am lying to myself if I think everything is going to go along just fine. One part of me is terrified of the next time she rages, because the last time did such emotional damage to me. But another part wonders if between us going to therapy together (it's been a few sessions) and my learning coping strategies and better reactions if we could have a happy relationship together.
I'm an optimistic person, with a problem-solving approach to life. But it seems like a rational reaction to a pwBPD often only makes things worse.
And it is very random... . some rational things are fine. What you have to understand is that it's all about the pwBPD's feelings.
That is why validation is so important... . they can't soothe their own feelings... . and the job of the non is to help them do that without getting abused... . too bad.
Hopefully a more senior member can explain that a little better... . but I think you get the point.