Conversation on Sunday

[Staylor]

So, after what has been a very stressful couple of months... my partner has agreed to talk to me on Sunday..

I have spent the last week in parts in turmoil... denial... self blame and finally acceptance...

I have been with my partner for 4 years, and its only the past couple of days I have been reading in depth about her BPD...

It has made a lot of sense about so many things...

I realise how much of it I enabled...

Its a hard pill to swallow but I accept my role in the dysfunction...

However I am very anxious and very stressed about our eminent conversation...

I have a clear idea of what I'm going to say and how to get what I'm saying across... using Dearman...

I have been operating under FOG... I didn't even know that was a term till recently...

I really wish I had asked for help sooner... She has weekly therapy, I wish we had couples therapy alongside... or I had asked for help to understand her BPD

I'm not going to lie, a lot has happened during these 4 years... probably a life times worth of incidents... and I want to heal from them and so does she...

I recognise a lot needs to change to make it a healthy relationship in whatever capacity that is...

Wish me luck

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Better to learn late than never 

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

[elmtree]

I just started the conversation on Friday after learning about BPD and digging in to finally understand what has been going on. She didn’t accept that she might have any issues.  She deflected, and between then and now has been up and down like a yo-yo.  I would not expect that your partner will accept that change is needed.  My wife goes from anger, to begging me not to abandon her. FOG IS very, very real as i’m learning.  I have to change for my own sanity.  Will lose the home of my dreams, and what is supposed to be the woman of my dreams.. most beautiful woman i’ve laid eyes on, brilliant, talented in so many ways, but can’t control emotions and uses me as a punching bag. My kids, family and friends are begging me to get out, but I can’t find it in me yet.

[Staylor]

So, we caught up... was very dysfunctional... kinda of highlighted a lot in just that brief second...  She came back to the house prior to band practise...

She felt attacked by me... which I guess was always going to happen... I just had to get things off my chest...

I was trying to get across was why our relationship was dysfunctional and we had developed a co-dependant relationship... and it was no-ones fault... radical acceptance...

I know we hurt each other... I know I allowed my boundaries to be crossed... out of FOG...

I think our relationship had been as bad as it had been the past month. In terms of problem behaviours... I allowed her / us to end up in a really vulnerable position... drugs... environment... not for the first time... our relationship would have been unsalvageable unless it was for music...

I am now at the house alone... I need to have a proper conversation about practical things next...

*Positives*

Band practise was amazing... smashed it out...

We actually had a more meaningful conversation after that...

All I want to do now is support her in ways that are healthy as this split has left her with a lot to cope with... Environment Change... Kids...

[MessyTrain]

Hi Staylor,
How did the convo go?
I can affirm and empathize with the realization that your partner may have BPD.  It has so much stigma attached to it and implications of what this means to your lives (and if there are dependents!).  I am a problem solver and do-er which kick started me into trying to solving it all which put was not healthy for my boundaries, mental health.
I had to really learn how to just sit and be. To tolerate big emotions, taking some breaths and just accepting the situation, thoughts, feelings without worst case scenario predictions.
Interestingly enough it is by learning how to accept and not have to do necessarily do anything at that moment has helped me come to some wisdom and clarity.

Take it one moment at a time.  Savor the small delights in your life like the beauty of trees or night sky.  Take heart because you and partner will come to some helpful insights.