The Marco Polo Incident

[Tattered Heart]

I use the Marco Polo app to stay in touch with some of my girlfriends who have moved away. It's been very fun for me as we have a 6 way conversation that has been going on for weeks. I did not tell my husband about downloading the app, although I had every intention of doing so. I was just waiting on the right time because I knew that with telling him, I'd have to contend with his insecurity about me talking to other men and/or hear him go on about modern technology. He has been blowing up every week so I just kept putting it off.

Tuesday he was standing over me looking at something on my phone with me when a notification popped up. I quickly swiped the notification away. He started to ask questions and I tried to blow it off as nothing, which made him more suspicious. I don't know why I just didn't confess about it. I guess I felt his energy go up, but by me trying to minimize my use of it, he lost it. He started crying and began talking about leaving me because he doesn't trust me. Then he would get angry for a bit and threatened to go through my phone, told me I wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere anymore, that I needed to delete the app, etc. He had to leave for work so in the midst of all this so he spent much of the evening obsessing over it. After he left for work, I panicked and started wondering what he would find on my phone. Of course, there's nothing like cheating or even flirting, but I have become friends with some guys on facebook that he would question me about and I would have no explanation for how I knew them other than some online communities. I basically purged my phone of anything he might get angry about.

I did a relatively good job of validating him during all this. I had to be honest and humble in regards to trying to hide the app from him because I did. After his anger subsided a little I was able to talk to him a little more about what happened and I was very honest that hid it was because I was worried about his response. He was very hurt that I viewed him like a monster and I told him that this incident helped me realize that I had been seeing him as my enemy or a roadblock to get around ever since the day he blew up when I got the new car. I told him that I was going to work on my attitude towards him, but also was able to say that I had been responding to his anger and started walking on egg shells around him again. He admitted that he has been worked up for the last few weeks and had stopped trying to control his reaction to things.

Overall, it was a good end to things. The next day he told me that he knows that I wasn't chatting up guys on there and that he doesn't mind if I use the app, but he wants to be included in it, or at least in the know about things going on.

So just today a friend of mine has been trying to get me to work for him. My husband has been very jealous of this friend for years. I've been waiting for the chance to tell this guy that I'm not interested in a job change right now. I got really nervous about having to run the meeting by my husband because the friend wants to meet for coffee tomorrow. I worked up my nerve, validated in the text, and my H was really supportive. He gave me some ideas on how to turn my friend down, but also remain supportive to his company. Sometimes I forget how much worse I make it when I walk on egg shells because being authentic, not nervous, with him makes things so much easier.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Sometimes I forget how much worse I make it when I walk on egg shells because being authentic, not nervous, with him makes things so much easier.

It's a good lesson for all of us.

[BeagleGirl]

I just wanted to second what Skip highlighted as an excellent lesson for all of us.

And to say I LOVE THE MARCO POLO APP.  My two best friends and I have a group chat where we connect pretty much every day.  It cracked us all up when one of my friends was interrupted by her husband and yelled "I can't talk to you... .I'm talking to Marco!". 

Just FYI, we are all pretty protective of our privacy on Marco Polo.  Our SOs (I'm currently without SO to worry about, but have S15 and S19) know that we use it all the time but are not allowed to listen in on our conversations and accessing the app on our phone and listening to any of the conversations would be a HUGE breach of trust. 

It's also encouraging to hear that you are able to be honest with BPDh about his moods lately and have him be receptive to that feedback.   

BG

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

Thanks for this post! It's so helpful how you are able to model behavior with such integrity and thoughtfulness! Appreciate the chance to learn!

sending you strength, pearl.

[Notgoneyet]

  Thank you TH,
 For the lessons on good use of some of the tools taught here and I always love to hear the positive out comes! Read it twice , trying to get some examples stuck in my head .
   NGY
   

[Turkish]

Sometimes I forget how much worse I make it when I walk on egg shells because being authentic, not nervous, with him makes things so much easier.

What do you mean by this? Forgive me,  I may be slow... .

[Tattered Heart]

When he found out about the app, I began to get nervous and walk on egg shells with him. I knew that he saw the notification pop up. I knew that his demeanor had changed, yet I tried to appease the situation by trying to distract him. I minimized and hid what I had been up to.

If I had just said "Oh, that's Friend A. We have been using this new app to keep in touch with Friend B that moved." He probably would have grumbled, complained, maybe even got mad, but he wouldn't have had the massive melt down that he had that night.