Feeling down and uncertain today when yesterday I was so sure.

[Landslide2014]

I have had such a positive few week despite the confidence I felt in my decision to leave.  I am grateful for all of the validation and support I have experienced.  I feel so sad today though. I had an hour plus consult with L.  Perhaps that created more reality for me than I wanted to deal with. There is still a part of me that wishes we could have worked it through, that our hard work could have made us the healthy couple I believed in. I realize without question that this can never happen. I need a connection within my relationship, understanding and acceptance and there can never be that connection or way of thinking that accepts me and does not challenge my being with the way that my uBPDH is wired.  Part of me just wants to return to my ignorance, but I have exposed and admitted too much for that and I know that it would be impossible for me to erase my awareness.  Not to mention how  unhealthy. I think that this is just a temporary moment, but it snuck up on me and hurts. My unsettled stomach is rising up through my throat, threatening tears. My recovery has taught me to allow these feelings, but my coping mechanism still tries to stuff them. I thought that if I unloaded I could be more accepting of the process.  Today I thought more than 1x ... . " what if I am wrong". I can't believe I still think that when my H tells me how mean I am, and unfair, and criticizes how I breath, and in the next sentence asks for sex followed by a verbal assault and inquiry about a text message (completely innocent, a non related statement from a same sex friend that he does not know) that he spied in MY phone and then accuses my of lying about the answer. I'm so exhausted. I know I need to muster up more courage for what I am about to embark on but right now I just feel like crawling under a rock.

[Allmessedup]

    

I am sorry you are hurting so much landslide! 

I can't imagine what it would be like to still live with my ex once it was over.  I feel for you.

I am almost 7 weeks out now and the one thing I have learned is that feelings come and the pass.  One minute I am doing well and then what seems like the next I am not.

Some days it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. 

But those days pass eventually. You are doing what you need to do for you.

Be kind to yourself.  You are not supposed to be feeling one way or another. This can't be rushed.

I do understand wanting desperately to go back to my ignorance... . but that is only delaying the enivitable.

Just keep on keeping on and keep posting and reading!  It helps a lot!  In knowledge there is its own kind of power.

I spent a lot of today thinking and it's so hard.  Know that we are here for you and you will get there eventually if you keep your focus on where it needs to be... . yourself

[cosmonaut]

It is a difficult and winding road to detach from a borderline partner.  I don't think it is unusual at all to stop and look back along the way.  I find myself doing the same.   It is a painful realization to see that the fairytale romance is actually a tragedy.  To see that there will not be a happily ever after.  But it is a powerful realization.  One from which we can never really return, just as you have said: "Part of me just wants to return to my ignorance, but I have exposed and admitted too much for that and I know that it would be impossible for me to erase my awareness."

Don't be hard on yourself, landslide.  It is a very, very hard road you are traveling.  You are bound to have times when you feel exhausted.  When you feel that you can't go on.  When you wish that you had never left home at all.  Just look at how far you have come, though!  Look at the deep truths that you have learned.  The wisdom you have gained.  The strength you have built.  You are doing amazingly well!  You are not the person you were that started this journey.

Keep going, landslide.  Everything you have written here makes me smile at how well you are accepting things and moving on.  Just keep going.

[Landslide2014]

Thank you Cosmo and amu for your reponse.  I actually had a much healthier and happier day today until... .    I had planned to be packing right now for a weekend away with my kids.  Instead I sit here with tears running down my cheeks. I am in so much pain because I was completely challenged at dinner tonight by my father, brother and sister. It felt like an intervention. They wanted to understand my decision to leave my h but it felt more like a confrontation.  I felt attacked, like I had to defend myself and explain the choice I have made so that they could understand. Our marriage looked picture perfect to so many from the outside.  I feel like the master at masking the pain. Even tonight, I eventually excused myself, kissed them, thanked them for dinner, got to my car and lost it completely. I called my sponsor, and my support.  I wanted my marriage to work more than anyone.  This is not easy for me, but it is the right thing.  There are enough obstacles.  I do not need booby traps too. I am so hurt that they did not just support me. So I sit here trying to see the blessing. Maybe I needed to cry and allow myself that pain. Maybe I need to attach myself with healthy people right now and that was my Higher powers way of delivering the message. Thank you, nonetheless,  for answering my convoluted cry for help.

[cosmonaut]

I'm really sorry to hear about how your family is making things even more difficult for you, landslide.  Detaching from a partner with BPD is a herculean task even without the added stress of unsupportive family.  It may be that they legitimately do not understand what is wrong with your husband.  They may not understand how serious his disorder is, and how low the chances of recovery are.  They may not understand how futile it is to try and make a marriage work with someone so incapable of a healthy, mature relationship.  Have you shared with them about BPD?  It is something that many people don't know about.  Until my ex abandoned me, I had no idea what it was, and only chanced across information about the disorder while struggling to understand what had happened.  If you have already explained all of this to them and they still are not supportive, perhaps it is best to not expect any emotional support from them during this time.   Instead, keep talking to your sponsor and keep posting here.

I'm sure that you did EVERYTHING you could to make your marriage work.  If your marriage could have been saved, you would have certainly done it.  I think this is a common theme among many of us here.  We tried literally everything to save our relationships - and it still wasn't enough.  BPD is the most maddening, heartbreaking, tragic disorder that I have ever encountered.  It is absolute misery for everyone involved.  I'm so glad to hear that you are not blaming yourself for the end of your marriage.   It is so important to remember that you did everything you could.   You are just dealing with an awful, awful disease.

I still see you looking forward.  As upset and hurt as you are right now, that's really admirable.  Keep going, landslide.  You're doing great! 

[Soulsisters]

landslide,

I remember that terrible feeling like it was yesterday.  The pain is so raw and has so many different facets and sharp points that pierces you in places that you didn't even know could feel pain.  It hurts like hell.

You are doing great as the others have said.  You are very strong for not many people can endure the pain that comes with leaving someone with a PD.  You are going to get through the hurt.

One thing that helped me was looking at life one minute at a time, and sometimes one second at a time.  I could not look into the furture at all or it was too big and ominious.  Make yourself focus on only the task at hand.  Putting a dish away.  Folding a shirt.  Making a sandwich.  Take life slower than you ever have before.  focus on the small and block the big.

Another thing that was so hard for me was how everyone around me reacted to my leaving.  I couldn't deal with very many people and I was too confused at the time to even try to explain myself.  I had one good friend hold my hand who understood and I ignored everyone else.  This caused me huge poblems later on and I would have done it a bit differently.  In hindsight with this issue this is what I think I should have done about my friends and family:


I was in bad shape and could not deal with the endless explaining and trying to make others understand.  I needed to have a few very close people who understood to speak for me.  If you could take the person that you trust the most who understands the struggles that you have had and give them the job of being your advocate.  You need someone to get out there and explain so that you can just focus on your small tasks (the dish away or folding the shirt).  This will grant you time to deal with your pain and clear your head.  Then months down the road when you are stronger you can tackle explaining yourself to your loved ones.  Have your advocate ask your family and friends to grant you the time that you need.  You will need to trust this person and try not to ask how their "job of being and advocate is going".  Free yourself of this burden for the time being.

I don't know if that will work for you, but in hindsight I know it would have helped me.  Be strong.  Go slow. 

I will pray for you

[Landslide2014]

It's amazing that I can find the relief and trust and truth in those that I don't even know.  ( I guess there is a connection that trumps logical reasoning; something bigger). I just want to say how grateful I am for the words of encouragement and support soulsisters and Cosmo. I feel so vulnerable right now and the fact that you took the time to help me understand is a true gift to me right now.

[Mutt]

  Part of me just wants to return to my ignorance, but I have exposed and admitted too much for that and I know that it would be impossible for me to erase my awareness. 

I agree with what you are saying and that stuck out to me. I had wished at times that I had returned to ignorance of what was truly going on around me.

I'm sorry about the way that you are feeling right now. I still feel like that from time to time during separation.

This helped me through those periods of feeling wiped out. It's a quote that I found from a member 2010, and I hope that it may help you as well.

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

To be whole, let yourself break.

To be straight, let yourself bend.

To be full, let yourself be empty.

To be new, let yourself wear out.

"suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life" 

[heartandwhole]

Landslide,

It takes an enormous amount of courage to do what you are doing, especially when confronted by family members who don't understand.  I'm sure they are simply lacking information, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when they can't be supportive. 

I applaud you for being brave enough to do what is right for you. It hurts to leave someone we love, and nothing can change that fact, but you will grow and recover and learn new ways to have fulfilling relationships.

Keep letting those tears fall when they come, they spring from the sweetness at your core.    We're here to listen and walk with you through the "rain."   

[Landslide2014]

Thank you Mutt. I love the words you passed along. Simple and powerful and will certainly resort to them. Also HandW for being so gentle and encoraging. I am away with my friends and our families right now (w/o my H) and while their is a sad void and longing... . I feel blessed with the love and support that surrounds me.  It outweighs the sadness, thankfully.  I have laughed so much this weekend... . Until my stomach hurt, as I always do with my crew. I am sharing my love freely and it is being accepted. I am also receiving love freely. What a beautiful and blessed thing.