It's great to see that these new behaviors and responses of our own can really make a difference. It really sounds like you have gotten things under control for the most part, no? Which tools do you use mostly, or at least, in this situation? S.E.T.? I was just curious what you said and did... .It's great to hear of your success
Hi Rapt Reader, thanks for your response and I'm happy to hear that you're finding peace within your family
Yes, the new behaviors and responses of my own have been the key to unlock the door to a fulfilling relationship. Understanding my own
fight or flight mode and what would send me there =
invalidation. If feeling invalidated, not taken seriously, disrespected etc. sends me there, it would make sense that it would send him there as well =
empathy.
Waverider talks a lot about not being invalidating, which I think for a lot of us is a great steppingstone, as getting into
S.E.T. when we're not really sure how to do it or what it means can make things worse (
stop making things worse). It can come off as unauthentic, disingenuous. I do use S.E.T. a lot.
Even when I'm mad and speak from that place, that it is me who is angry, can be
validating when it's rooted in my own
personal values and
boundaries. He wants to know the REAL me, not some psych-speak robot, fumbling through to appease him, or placing blame all over him, afraid to come out from behind the curtain (my own
unhealthy narcissism).
So yea, what you said about it being a humbling experience speaks to me big time. My ways of coping were just as dysfunctional as his. I had to quit pointing my finger at him
There will be times that we don't see eye to eye, that's life. As I've said numerous times on these boards, trusting and
believing in myself with respect for him and the relationship helps in getting us to a happier, healthier place.
I can't say enough thanks, to bpdfamily and the staff and members that make this a safe and wonderful place to heal our own souls
The bolded words above are in the
Lessons,
TOOLS, to help us heal
This is the post from joshbjoshb's thread on criticism. Maybe I could've done better, maybe how I handled it was just fine. The outcome is what matters to me.
Oh yes, joshbjoshb, I know this situation well-- dealing with criticism.
If I keep it in line with how I feel about something, rather than what he's doing wrong, it seems to keep things calm. Just had a sampling of it today; is something in the air?
I have a very old dog that my SO absolutely adores. He's amazing to him and really really cares about him. Last week he had too many goodies, too many doggie-bags etc... I'm trying to keep him on low sodium as the adverse effects are obvious. I made him special food (that he gobbles up and it crazy about) to go along with his regular food. Told SO of this and he was in full agreement. He wanted to come by after work today to give him one of his favorite (high sodium!) treats. I said "Sure, come by to say hi, but he shouldn't have high sodium treat".
When he got here and was greeted by a very excited dog, he felt bad that he couldn't give him this favorite treat. The look on SO's face was too much when he accusingly said, "I can't give him this treat... ". It kinda teed me off. I handed him a boiled piece of chicken to give him instead. He had the salty treat in his pocket and made a little fuss that my dog could smell it in his pocket. Why did he bring it in in the first place? I didn't say this of course angel I said, "Okay, give him a little teeny weeny corner of it. While I appreciate how much joy it brings you to make him happy, it's better for him not to have the whole thing. He's feeling good, getting around awesomely and I'd like to keep it that way". He understood and got over his own little snit about it.
I could blame this on BPD and think all kinds of things, which my mind did want to do, it wanted to spin! Instead, I validated what was good-- the fact that he makes special trips over because he adores my dog and wants to bring happiness to his life smiley
What he can't or doesn't understand when his own feelings are in the forefront, is that the short-term "fix" doesn't help the long-term gain... . Luckily, he's catching on Doing the right thing
What I didn't do what act on my spinning mind, ":)on't you listen? Don't you care that salt is bad for him? Weren't we JUST talking about this? WTH? Jeez."
I'm catching on, too Welcome!
There's even more good that has come from this, but I have to get ready for work! Wish I could stay here all day instead