The borderlines gift

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm slowly, but surely coming out the other side of an intense friendship with a pwBPD.  I am still in the process of fully detaching and depersonalizing her behavior.  We work for the same company, so it does make it difficult to avoid her at times.  What I do know thus far is that I have survived her acting out, attention seeking and passive aggressive behavior since I have distanced myself from her.  That's certainly not to say I haven't been hurt or felt pain from her actions.  It means that I am continuing to move forward - beyond the madness and chaos - and focusing on me

In the midst of reflecting on what the hell happened and assessing my pain and anger, I looked back over my past relationships.  One romantic relationship, in particular, caused me a lot of pain.  At the time when it ended, I was left heartbroken and confused.  

To cut a long story short... .I was living in another country on a working holiday.  Met a guy and the relationship was intense from the get go  We were together for only a few months when, all of a sudden, he said he wanted to go on a holiday for a month.  I asked him to wait until my work contract ended and I would go with him, but he refused.  He called me every night saying he missed me and wanted to come back.  If I wasn't home when he called, he would call back when I did get home and give me the third degree.  He was only gone a week when he called and asked me to marry him.  As it was completely out of the blue, and I was confused, I didn't give him an answer.  I explained that it was a big decision and we had to give it some thought (obviously my intuition kicked in).  He wasn't happy with that and told me not to wait too long before deciding

A week later when he called, he said that his ex housemates exgf offered to marry him for a certain amount of money, so he could stay in the country where we were living.  He went on to say that he hadn't decided anything - he just wanted to be upfront and honest!  He then informed me that, due to missing me so much, he was coming back early.

We went to dinner the night he came back.  His reasoning for 'thinking' about an illegal marriage was for him to stay in the country for two years to make a lot of money then come to my home country as 'we are meant to be together'.

A few days later, his housemate was getting married, so we attended the wedding and reception.  He pointed out the woman who offered to marry him as he wanted to be 'honest and upfront' with me.  The following week he moved into the woman's house, in his own room.  The reason for that... .it was a bigger room, he would get settled in then I could move in with him.  I ended up moving into his old house he had shared with his friends.

So a month later, I called him from work and he broke up with me suddenly.  I had spent the previous night staying with him, yet there were no signs of a breakup to come.  He said it was due to him not working, not being in a good head space, and he didn't want to drag me down.  I was absolutely heartbroken.  None of it made sense at all.

A few days later came the revelation from his best mate, who I was sharing a house with.  My exbf had already married the woman to stay in the country.  They were married the same day as his mate.  Everyone at the wedding reception of his mate knew, however were told not to say anything to me as I didn't know.

My whole world shattered that night.  Stupidly, we did hook up a few times in the couple of months that followed.  In the end, the only thing I could do to escape the pain and move on was to leave the country.  So I did.

He made contact when I returned to my home country - still stating that he would move to be with me as 'we are meant to be together'.  I ended up changing my phone number.

Ten years after this happened, he tracked me down on Facebook.  He sent me an email reminiscing about old times and telling me he had thought about me a lot over the years.  A couple of more emails came through then I blocked him.  I realised I still carried pain from our breakup.  Also, little did I know he was to marry a woman two months later.  Funny how he didn't mention any woman in his communication to me

Now... .thanks to the encounter with my exBPD friend, I have my answer to what on earth happened all those years ago.  I was in a romantic relationship with a BPD/NPD.  Since educating myself on BPD traits, I realise now just how many of those he had.  I feel like I finally have the last piece of the puzzle that had been missing for fifteen years.

I'm by no means happy about experiencing all the craziness with the exBPD friend, nor am I happy about having to heal from so much hurt, I am happy to have discovered Borderline Personality Disorder.  If I hadn't, then I would not have found the missing piece of the puzzle

Wishing you all peace and happiness on your road to recovery

 

 

[Hadlee]

I'm slowly, but surely coming out the other side of an intense friendship with a pwBPD.  I am still in the process of fully detaching and depersonalizing her behavior.  We work for the same company, so it does make it difficult to avoid her at times.  What I do know thus far is that I have survived her acting out, attention seeking and passive aggressive behavior since I have distanced myself from her.  That's certainly not to say I haven't been hurt or felt pain from her actions.  It means that I am continuing to move forward - beyond the madness and chaos - and focusing on me

In the midst of reflecting on what the hell happened and assessing my pain and anger, I looked back over my past relationships.  One romantic relationship, in particular, caused me a lot of pain.  At the time when it ended, I was left heartbroken and confused.  

To cut a long story short... .I was living in another country on a working holiday.  Met a guy and the relationship was intense from the get go  We were together for only a few months when, all of a sudden, he said he wanted to go on a holiday for a month.  I asked him to wait until my work contract ended and I would go with him, but he refused.  He called me every night saying he missed me and wanted to come back.  If I wasn't home when he called, he would call back when I did get home and give me the third degree.  He was only gone a week when he called and asked me to marry him.  As it was completely out of the blue, and I was confused, I didn't give him an answer.  I explained that it was a big decision and we had to give it some thought (obviously my intuition kicked in).  He wasn't happy with that and told me not to wait too long before deciding

A week later when he called, he said that his ex housemates exgf offered to marry him for a certain amount of money, so he could stay in the country where we were living.  He went on to say that he hadn't decided anything - he just wanted to be upfront and honest!  He then informed me that, due to missing me so much, he was coming back early.

We went to dinner the night he came back.  His reasoning for 'thinking' about an illegal marriage was for him to stay in the country for two years to make a lot of money then come to my home country as 'we are meant to be together'.

A few days later, his housemate was getting married, so we attended the wedding and reception.  He pointed out the woman who offered to marry him as he wanted to be 'honest and upfront' with me.  The following week he moved into the woman's house, in his own room.  The reason for that... .it was a bigger room, he would get settled in then I could move in with him.  I ended up moving into his old house he had shared with his friends.

So a month later, I called him from work and he broke up with me suddenly.  I had spent the previous night staying with him, yet there were no signs of a breakup to come.  He said it was due to him not working, not being in a good head space, and he didn't want to drag me down.  I was absolutely heartbroken.  None of it made sense at all.

A few days later came the revelation from his best mate, who I was sharing a house with.  My exbf had already married the woman to stay in the country.  They were married the same day as his mate.  Everyone at the wedding reception of his mate knew, however were told not to say anything to me as I didn't know.

My whole world shattered that night.  Stupidly, we did hook up a few times in the couple of months that followed.  In the end, the only thing I could do to escape the pain and move on was to leave the country.  So I did.

He made contact when I returned to my home country - still stating that he would move to be with me as 'we are meant to be together'.  I ended up changing my phone number.

Ten years after this happened, he tracked me down on Facebook.  He sent me an email reminiscing about old times and telling me he had thought about me a lot over the years.  A couple of more emails came through then I blocked him.  I realised I still carried pain from our breakup.  Also, little did I know he was to marry a woman two months later.  Funny how he didn't mention any woman in his communication to me

Now... .thanks to the encounter with my exBPD friend, I have my answer to what on earth happened all those years ago.  I was in a romantic relationship with a BPD/NPD.  Since educating myself on BPD traits, I realise now just how many of those he had.  I feel like I finally have the last piece of the puzzle that had been missing for fifteen years.

I'm by no means happy about experiencing all the craziness with the exBPD friend, nor am I happy about having to heal from so much hurt, I am happy to have discovered Borderline Personality Disorder.  If I hadn't, then I would not have found the missing piece of the puzzle

Wishing you all peace and happiness on your road to recovery

 

 

[JRT]

Looks like you dodged a bullet... .I am very glad for you.

[Hadlee]

Looks like you dodged a bullet... .I am very glad for you.

Thanks JRT   I sure did. 

[Invictus01]

I think anybody who comes out of these relationships and educates him/herself on what happened, in the end acquires such an immense understanding of human psyche - not just the BPD, but your own. And the vast majority of people will never ever try to understand all this because they never encountered a BPD person. Or encountered but didn't really know what they dealt with so wrote that person off as "crazy" or something along those lines. I would rather not go through the level of pain I went through during the first a couple of months when she ended it, but in end, I will be be better because of this. And I still have 30-40 years to enjoy new and improved me 

[Hadlee]

I think anybody who comes out of these relationships and educates him/herself on what happened, in the end acquires such an immense understanding of human psyche - not just the BPD, but your own. And the vast majority of people will never ever try to understand all this because they never encountered a BPD person. Or encountered but didn't really know what they dealt with so wrote that person off as "crazy" or something along those lines. I would rather not go through the level of pain I went through during the first a couple of months when she ended it, but in end, I will be be better because of this. And I still have 30-40 years to enjoy new and improved me 

You are spot on Invictus01.  I'm definitely on the road to a new and improved me as well.  It sucks that it takes an incredibly traumatic, painful experience to help us grow and become the best people we possibly can.  I live by the mantra 'everything happens for a reason', and will continue to live by it in spite of the rocky road I've been on

Enjoy the next 30-40 happy and fulfilling years of your life    

[sixthsense]

Thanks for sharing such a deeply personal story, Hadlee. Obviously, your journey to closure was painful, but it certainly appears that you came through it enlightened and grateful for the lesson.

Good for you! Stay strong!  

sixthsense

[Rifka]

I think anybody who comes out of these relationships and educates him/herself on what happened, in the end acquires such an immense understanding of human psyche - not just the BPD, but your own. And the vast majority of people will never ever try to understand all this because they never encountered a BPD person. Or encountered but didn't really know what they dealt with so wrote that person off as "crazy" or something along those lines. I would rather not go through the level of pain I went through during the first a couple of months when she ended it, but in end, I will be be better because of this. And I still have 30-40 years to enjoy new and improved me 

I believe exactly the same thing! They are a tough, emotional, deep gift.

I am a much better person today than prior to meeting my exdBPDbf.

I've done the work, still do learn something new about me daily. He opened my eyes and soul to a better me.

I hope he receives the same gift back and can live a happy, healthy life one day. It's just his job to get there or not.

Invictus it's great that you too get it and took and ran with the gift! Enjoy the rest of your life!


Rifka

[Invictus01]

I think anybody who comes out of these relationships and educates him/herself on what happened, in the end acquires such an immense understanding of human psyche - not just the BPD, but your own. And the vast majority of people will never ever try to understand all this because they never encountered a BPD person. Or encountered but didn't really know what they dealt with so wrote that person off as "crazy" or something along those lines. I would rather not go through the level of pain I went through during the first a couple of months when she ended it, but in end, I will be be better because of this. And I still have 30-40 years to enjoy new and improved me 

I believe exactly the same thing! They are a tough, emotional, deep gift.

I am a much better person today than prior to meeting my exdBPDbf.

I've done the work, still do learn something new about me daily. He opened my eyes and soul to a better me.

I hope he receives the same gift back and can live a happy, healthy life one day. It's just his job to get there or not.

Invictus it's great that you too get it and took and ran with the gift! Enjoy the rest of your life!


Rifka

What really bugs me is that I have quiet a number of friends who don't get it. I know it is tough to get it if you never were involved with one, but I cannot believe that instead of listening to me and educating themselves, they pretty much think I went off the deep end and just make things up to make myself feel better. Me, the guy who is always as fair as it gets! I would NEVER go this route just to make myself better if I didn't have my facts straight. As prevalent as various personality disorders are, I think everybody just owes it to themselves to learn at least the general concept and understand what you are dealing with and how to deal with it. Instead people prefer to be oblivious to very very real things that happen in life.

[Mutt]

What really bugs me is that I have quiet a number of friends who don't get it. I know it is tough to get it if you never were involved with one, but I cannot believe that instead of listening to me and educating themselves, they pretty much think I went off the deep end and just make things up to make myself feel better.

I can relate Invictus01. I can talk to family members and friends that haven't gone through a divorce and they can't empathize or fully connect. I think it has to do with having gone through a similar experience. Most didn't believe me either and I thought they aren't in it and I don't need to have them in my stuff or explain my ex partner's traits or mental illness. They weren't in my marriage or relationship and if they try to ask about how I'm getting along with her I simply say The kids and I are fine.

They can have their feelings about her and myself, I deal with her with co-parenting and I don't want the drama because it doesn't help.

Hadlee I feel the same way and making the connections with my ex partner with two others relationships. My gf that preceded my wife has traits although different and of a lesser intensity. She moved things along quickly in the beginning and was still in a r/s with someone else and started one with me. I was told they were done and then she abruptly ended things with me and had already had another relationship while we were together. She has said that her previous r/s was over when I met her.

She would self harm and would trigger feelings of guilt and was manipulative when she wanted things.

The most significant connection was further back with my FOO and my father's behaviors that I couldn't make sense of. He displays traits of narcissism and we had a difficult relationship. He was a controlling man, self centered, displays little empathy, gives little attention and has black and white thinking. He saw little good in me growing up and saw an awful lot of bad. He has a hard time displaying love and it caused a lot of pain with the lack of attention and feeling not wanted.

I identified that I had unresolved issues and anger with my FOO and found that it was the idealization of my ex partner in the beginning and the validation and attention that I was seeking - life long emotional wounds. I understand that I can self validate and let go of family members and their projected insecurities about themselves and turmoil and self validate.

In that process I discovered the good qualities about myself that were devalued and owned them and learned that you don't find love in someone else. Love starts by loving yourself, trusting yourself and not letting someone that has dysfunctional coping skills define who you are.

I feel like I'm the person that was always under the surface. All of these life long emotional scars are mine; they give me strength, wisdom and lessons.

It was a painful journey. The gift of the borderline is a gift that I feel that lasts forever.

[JRT]

I think anybody who comes out of these relationships and educates him/herself on what happened, in the end acquires such an immense understanding of human psyche - not just the BPD, but your own. And the vast majority of people will never ever try to understand all this because they never encountered a BPD person. Or encountered but didn't really know what they dealt with so wrote that person off as "crazy" or something along those lines. I would rather not go through the level of pain I went through during the first a couple of months when she ended it, but in end, I will be be better because of this. And I still have 30-40 years to enjoy new and improved me 

I believe exactly the same thing! They are a tough, emotional, deep gift.

I am a much better person today than prior to meeting my exdBPDbf.

I've done the work, still do learn something new about me daily. He opened my eyes and soul to a better me.

I hope he receives the same gift back and can live a happy, healthy life one day. It's just his job to get there or not.

Invictus it's great that you too get it and took and ran with the gift! Enjoy the rest of your life!


Rifka

What really bugs me is that I have quiet a number of friends who don't get it. I know it is tough to get it if you never were involved with one, but I cannot believe that instead of listening to me and educating themselves, they pretty much think I went off the deep end and just make things up to make myself feel better. Me, the guy who is always as fair as it gets! I would NEVER go this route just to make myself better if I didn't have my facts straight. As prevalent as various personality disorders are, I think everybody just owes it to themselves to learn at least the general concept and understand what you are dealing with and how to deal with it. Instead people prefer to be oblivious to very very real things that happen in life.

I long time ago stopped even bringing her up to my family and friends. I think that they would be really surprised to see me at the tail end of recovering from this. When I began to tell them about BPD, it almost seemed as if they were thinking that it was me that had some sort of problem or that maybe I was not treating her well, she left and 'some exotic mental illness' is something that I concocted to deflect responsibility for my own bad behavior.

I have a good buddy with who I discuss r/s's and such almost every day since this had taken place. I have been sharing with him the things that I had learned through this site and other reading. I thought that he was the one person that I had successfully explained the what was happening unitl the other day, he admitted that he felt that there must have been something that she found objectionable right after moving in to my house that caused her want to leave. This floored me to say the least.

At the end of the day, it almost seems like an unintended coups de gras by my BPD: she destroys our relationship, damages my daughter and myself and our future, convinces her family and friends of God knows what horrible mistruth about me and what precipitated the b/u, and unwittingly convinced my family and friends that I might be the bad guy or at the very least, create an isolated environment where i have to pick up the pieces alone.