Resistance to self-care

[qcarolr]

I had a kind of breakdown in past 4-6 weeks. I believed it was triggered by aggression from my gd9. We have worked through most of that, including starting risperidone at bedtime with her ADHD adderall pushing her mood. I really was ready to throw in the towel as her custodial grandma. My responses to her physical assaults on me were becoming increasing aggressive as well. Since she is doing better I am able to get down into what is going on within myself. I was badly dissociating - losing track of chunks of time. I was scared by all of this.

So what did I do. I was vulnerable and open with my private pay T. She was wanting to report to child services. I asked to wait and see if I could get some help (ie. gd's new meds ARE WORKING plus school giving me a respite. gd has greater ability to stop before she throws something, kicks me with her boots on, scratches, etc.). I got in to see my HMO psychologist the next day and talked to the nurse in my pdoc (HMO) office. She increased my zoloft - I had decreased on my own at the end of June thinking it was making me dizzy and irritable. I think the increase is helping. I went up more gradually without the dizziness.  I also signed releases so my private T could talk freely with gd's T and my HMO T. I met with my mentor/sponsor today. All of this over past 10 days has restored a better balance for me.

I realize that my self-care practices have fallen off over the summer. Avoiding my quiet time in the mornings, not using breaks when gd at friends to rest and do something interesting for myself, taking the right amount of zoloft, stopped going to church due to gd's great resistance and my fatigue, not checking in with my mentor, not sleeping well, not getting excercise, isolating with neighbors all gone on long travels (no one for me to talk to or for gd to play with -- just cranky grandma) ... .

The question: what prompted me to stop all those things that could help me?  It is like a sub-conscious yet intentional self-injury due a state of overwhelmed burn-out and fatigue.  I never thought of this as SI before. Yet this is what it really is. Like making an accident happen instead of a suicide.

My T encouraged me to have weekly contact with a person in my support net. work. I see T every other week; I am having coffee with my mentor on the off weeks; I have schedule appointments with gd's T at least once a month; I am taking advantage of my quiet morning since gd's is back in school. Dh and I are realizing that our r/s is very important to the stability of our family. We are setting up some couple time and  are committed to not talking about gd and DD the whole time. It was scary for us how things really regressed, and we were able to draw closer instead of our old pattern of his withdrawal and my ranting.

The other area needing improvement is my listening skills. I tend to get caught up in the details of my 'story'. My dh, T, and mentor are giving me clues to stop and listen. My mentor is especially good at stopping me mid sentence and asking me to repeat back to her what she just said. Often I do not remember - my mind has gotten absorbed in the details and lost the point of the conversation.

So I am wondering how others see themselves resisting self-care? What triggers are there for you? How to you find center again? How does this shift impact those you love around you?

qcr

[lever.]

Hello qcarolr

I'm sorry things haven't been so good over the summer and I hope you will get back into a routine and habit of looking after yourself now GD is back in school-you know it is the key to coping with other people's emotions.

I think sometimes it is just lack of time and falling out of the pattern but sometimes I have noticed in myself that I have been brought up to feel good when I am being a martyr. ("Good girls and especially good mother's always put themselves last"-script.)

Of course this leads to exhaustion and coping less well as a Mum/ gran.

I thought quite a bit about this when reading the boundaries book.

And people don't respect martyrs anyway, so its counterproductive.

Don't know if you have a bit of the same or if it was mainly the change of routine over the summer.

Hope things improve now and that you are able to get back on track

[qcarolr]

lever, it is a bit of both. I need structure to find the motivation to plan for and be consistent with gd's structure at home. Her time is school is structured, and she responds to this. She really likes school. I think the structure creates a bigger sense of safety for both of us. This allows resilience to expand our participation in other aspects of our lives beyond survival and searching for safe relationships.

Making contact with several people in my support network has helped me so much. I was able to set up a basic plan with gd for her to earn some allowance (for pet care), and to be able to use her kindle games (positive and negative column for participating in family routines - attitude, politeness, getting ready in morning and evening, cleaning up her messes, etc.) We made a list and a she created a daily chart for the pet part. I created a chart for the behavior plan. Immediately she started giving me hugs, even in front of other people. I am in awe!

Now to keep up my momentum over time to stick to the plan with her.

Some other structure is coming for my own schedule. With gd in school my work schedule is predictable. Her after school activity is predictable. Week to week the schedule does not vary much. I know there are people that would feel strangled by this - like my DD. It works for dh, gd and I.  I can also predict the days I can be with my mentor, T, and deal with some health issues more assertively.

The amazing part is how energizing this is - at least for a bit each day. I am building rest time into my day as well, without guilt or regret.

I have to make a better plan for school breaks this year and summer next year. Even if I have to borrow money. My HMO T suggested we take some of dh's retirement savings to do this so we are healthier for retirement.  Dh has to figure out his level of financial security needs to deal with this option.

Thanks for your reply.

qcr