Days that are worth it

[Satori68]

After days of just not getting along whatsoever, things have finally gotten better. More than that. they have been almost perfect. He's been sweet, attentive and overall happy.

I think part of it was me coming to understand that I can't change his behaviors with force and that not everything has to be a war a wills.

Since we moved in together I have been learning to cook, something I'd never done for myself and trying to make us dinner every night when I get off work.

Yesterday, I spilled a large splatter of hot grease on my foot. He drove to the store for me and bought Neosporin, which he applied to my burn and bandaged my foot, (of course not without chiding me for not wearing shoes while cooking with hot grease and telling me the proper cooking utensils that I should have been using, but that's just something that I have to get used to)

This small thing is not something he would have done for me just a few days ago. A few days ago I felt like I could have been on fire and he'd tell me I'd need to deal with it myself.

I don't understand these shifts and I know there will be more days that he's impossibly irrational and upsetting to be around.

But if I can remember the times when he's wonderful (he is either wonderful to the extreme or awful to the extreme, there is no middle ground) then I think I might have the strength to make this work.

Since we've barely been together six months I worry that the good days will start to taper off and the bad ones will come more frequently as time goes by.

Can anyone give me some clue as to what I will need to expect from him and our relationship? Is it going to get harder, or easier?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat21]

Praise the good days! It's a great sense of relief and release, right? It's great that he was able to help you in your time of need! In terms of expecting things from him: the only predictable or guaranteed occurrences are his dysregulations. How often/how long they will last is probably unknown, although some people say they can predict the bad behavior. Personally speaking, my uBPDh is worse when he is under a lot of stress at work (shocker). That is the biggest source of stress in his life. Vacations are usually awesome for us because he is away from work and his co-workers. But I know for sure that when we come home from vacay, things will be rocky for a week or so. Sure enough- I just went through this a few weeks ago.

Have you started reading the lessons? It's a lot to digest at once, so go at a reasonable pace. If you are like me, you'll start to feel more in control of yourself when you are able to assert firm boundaries and understand that his reactions are not about you at all- they are 100% about him. Hard to do in the heat of the moment!

[formflier]

you'll start to feel more in control of yourself when you are able to assert firm boundaries and understand that his reactions are not about you at all- they are 100% about him. Hard to do in the heat of the moment!

Well said!

[Satori68]

Thanks you, Cat21.

I have began the lessons here, and yet. It is all a bit intimidating. Finding the time is hard, but I really want this to work. Despite everything I love him, madly.

Today was a hard day. I think stress seems to be a big factor in his moods. He doesn't handle it well, and turns into a controlling tyrant. He was a time bomb today, I could tell and the smallest thing set him off.

I knew this happy relaxed phase would pass, but it hit me hard today (my birthday.) I feel like he worries more about how other people perceive him and making sure that he looks good than he does about my feelings.

I lost my composure with him and things just escalated. I know that my reactions feed into his behavior and makes him even more unreasonable so I try very hard not to take things too personally and stay calm but I am realizing that's harder said than done.

I find that I fall into this thinking pattern that hasn't been productive as far as creating a calm envirment.

Don't I have a right to my emotions as much as he does

How come he can be angry, but I can't

if he yells, I'm going to yell

He's bringing up old ___, so I'll bring up old ___

He's done worse to me than I've done to him

Thoughts like this have made it hard to let his assaults just roll off my back. How can I quiet my need to retaliate and make things worse?

[formflier]

Thanks you, Cat21.

I have began the lessons here, and yet. It is all a bit intimidating. Finding the time is hard, but I really want this to work. Despite everything I love him, madly.

Today was a hard day. I think stress seems to be a big factor in his moods. He doesn't handle it well, and turns into a controlling tyrant. He was a time bomb today, I could tell and the smallest thing set him off.

I knew this happy relaxed phase would pass, but it hit me hard today (my birthday.) I feel like he worries more about how other people perceive him and making sure that he looks good than he does about my feelings.

I lost my composure with him and things just escalated. I know that my reactions feed into his behavior and makes him even more unreasonable so I try very hard not to take things too personally and stay calm but I am realizing that's harder said than done.

I find that I fall into this thinking pattern that hasn't been productive as far as creating a calm envirment.

Don't I have a right to my emotions as much as he does

How come he can be angry, but I can't

if he yells, I'm going to yell

He's bringing up old, so I'll bring up old

He's done worse to me than I've done to him

Thoughts like this have made it hard to let his assaults just roll off my back. How can I quiet my need to retaliate and make things worse?

Satori68,

Your insight will serve you well.

You've identified your thought patterns and your emotions.  Keep up the good work.

Once you have not retaliated a couple times and you see that the "temperature" in the house is lower than it usually is... .and you are happier as a result... .that will give you hope and courage to go on and not to get your "revenge". 

The dysfunctional "dance" that you guys were locked in will have to change... .because you are no longer fighting.  He may try to fight harder for a bit... .be ready for that. 

Once you realize that you... and only you... .can change the way the relationship works... .that will be empowering for you.

[Cat21]

Formflier is right! I HATE those ticking time bomb days. I try to do my best to stay out of the house when that happens. I'm sorry that happened on your birthday- definitely unfair. As for him worrying more about what other people think: yep. I could have written that myself!

To answer your inner questions: Yes, you most certainly do have the right to your own emotions. (Just like he does). You're allowed to be ticked off!

How come he can be angry, but I can't: Because he sees his emotions as facts. You can be mad. Go for a run and scream your head off! Take a shower and wash away all of that crap he just put on you. His anger is not about you.

If he yells, I'll yell: Yes, sometimes you will, and that's OK. You're a human, not a robot, and you can't have scripted responses at all times. But, as you've probably discovered, yelling back with someone like your pwBPD is a fast track to Rage Town. This the hardest thing for me (and I imagine a lot of folks here), but trying to detach from that conflict will serve you better than engaging in it. Deep breaths and time outs.

He's bringing up old garbage, so I'll do the same: Ahh, the tit for tat. I do that, too. Sometimes he'll actually agree with me, too! Just like yelling back, this can't always be avoided. So, if it's really worth it, bring it up, knowing you might have to take a time out.

He's done worse to me than I have to him: A sad reality. He doesn't see it that way, of course. My H has told me many times, post-fight, that he never means to hurt my feelings; he honestly sees himself as "helping". Radical acceptance stinks, but I think it can be freeing (I'm still working on that.)

So, start thinking about what boundaries you can put in place. The boundaries are for you, not him. For example, one of mine is: I do not tolerate name calling or insults. The moment the argument escalates to that point, I leave. I tell him that I will not tolerate that behavior. Sometimes I go in the other room, and sometimes I leave the apt. I'm gone for as long as I need to be.

[waverider]

BPD is not just "bad episodes" it is there all the time, it just appears differently. the bad will come again, and regularly, you need to work on not making it worse than it need be and how to reduce how it affects you, rather than trying to make him better, which is what we all try to do at first.

The less you can take things personally the less you will react setting off the inevitable counter reacting leading to further escalation.

The important thing is to stay stable and consistent, dont get swept away in his highs, as the contrasting downturn will seem worse.

Living for today and letting any potential resentment wash is a must, but not easy to do.

Disengaging early before things get heated helps a lot, for both of you.

Most importantly dont argue with a pwBPD, they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience

[Satori68]

Thank you all, so much. I feel more confident now.

When ever he's upset and there's absolutely no getting through to him leave the room or even the house. I know that if I stay things will escalate. But leaving him makes him angry as well. Even though I have explained to him that I think walking away to get my composure back is healthier then staying and being upset. He tells me that I'm just escaping my problems or being childish for running away. I think he takes my distancing myself very personal. There's no win here. Bad if I stay and bad if I go.

Should I continue walking away from fights or is this causing mote damage. How can I assure him that its not a personal attack but something I need to do for my nerves and his as well?

[waverider]

Thank you all, so much. I feel more confident now.

When ever he's upset and there's absolutely no getting through to him leave the room or even the house. I know that if I stay things will escalate. But leaving him makes him angry as well. Even though I have explained to him that I think walking away to get my composure back is healthier then staying and being upset. He tells me that I'm just escaping my problems or being childish for running away. I think he takes my distancing myself very personal. There's no win here. Bad if I stay and bad if I go.

Should I continue walking away from fights or is this causing mote damage. How can I assure him that its not a personal attack but something I need to do for my nerves and his as well?

Once he has reached dysregulation stage there is no discussing or getting through to him, he has lost control of his emotions, that is what the term means. It is full on "fight or fight" mode your reasoning's are being fought against not considered.

Will he feel abandoned, yes, you can only say you will be be back, then consistency (as this repeats itself) will reinforce this. At this stage it is about keeping your head together and preventing him from soothing by dumping on you.