Breaking up is hard to do...

[IGetIt]

Was in a one year pretty "classic" BPD relationship, where I was the codependent one for a stretch. Eyes wide open at the end and realized I was losing my self. So did the hard thing to end things. For both our sakes (i guess I'm still a little codependent). I would classify my ex girlfriend as BP Trait. Only because the intensity of her reactions weren't as crazy as what seems "typical". But the frequency of the emotional overreactions and seeing the world as MOSTLY black and white. She is recovering alcoholic by 10+ years and has put a lot of work into the program. So she does have some insight on mindfulness and other techniques to keep herself emotionally regulated. She basically kept iron clad control on her life for 10 years by not getting into any relationships until I came along. Then it got messy for both of us. Now that we are apart. She is finally seeing a counselor "for me not you" and pleading she will change. I hope she does. But it won't be for me. With all that said. This is really hard. I basically am treating her like an addiction and asked for no contact. She has made some very reasonable points etc that of course leads me to doubt my decision. And so I am trusting the advice of websites and commentators like you guys with similar experiences to understand her brain thinks very differently than mine...

I saw the words for the song Apologize by One Direction and it seems pretty clear he was in a BPD relationship and he felt the same way at the end as I. Its too late to apologize... Too much damage done to me by the "inadvertent" reactions and treated in a way that the punishment never really fit the crime. I just wish I found you guys earlier but God had a plan...

[Ad Meliora]

Welcome IGetit, and it does sound like you do.  It is "too late to apologize" once you've gotten to the point you're at--correct.

You know, if you join on weekends there aren't as many people viewing/responding.  Don't think that people aren't interested in what you have to say. I see a lot of similarities to your story and many of the others here.  It took me a year to find this site after my split with my ex.  Better late than never.

Good luck on your healing journey.

[Erfanovich]

Hi Igetit. Welcome!

I read your story and noticed your heartbreaking insecurities. First off all sometimes a relationsship won't work. To classify your ex as a BPD without a diagnose is something difficult. I'm not going to judge you but the characteristics of a codependent are also not good and healthy for a relationship and makes it hard to understand why things happened. One of the main things codependents do is think for the other person ( but in reality we can't see inside the head of the other one) and do all the best for the partner because we need that ourselves. Is that what the other person wants?  or are we incapable of listening clearly to the needs of the other person. Again, I won't judge you but keep in mind that codependent traits are a significant part of the relationship dynamics, especially with a BPD/NPD partner.  Are we codependents not the best in taking guilt, try to change and being very naive, not to say incredible naive because we are too honest and are not capable of understandiong someone who 'loves' you isn't honest at all.

I really understand your questions and feelings of guilt bc my situation is just like it. My ex BPD with very strong NPD traits was exactly the same. Her anger was mild, sometimes it was complete gone for long periods,  sometimes she was just too sweet, and she gave me complements a lot, not only in our favorite person period. I recognize the black/white look on things. My ex did had some problems, bad sleeper and in a lot of occasions she had mental issues, and some days she was fine, happy and (too) secure of herself. Saw a lot of impulsive actions, and always gave hard comments on how I did things ( the black/white thinking). As a codependent ( yes I am) I was not able to return the comments in the right way, afraid of loosing her, afraid being alone, I just kept going on, my boundaries stretching longer and longer.  I now see I tried to defend the comments as a normal human being ( and expected a answer form a normal woman) but never got an answer bc the subject of the conversation always went to somthing else and I was defending myself for yet another occasion or bad behaviour. My
my wrong thought was that she thought like me. Still struggle to see she had a total different way of loving, caring and bonding. And in my opinion that is the addiction, I relate on this totally.

But you have to see the bigger picture and with a mild type of BPD ( there are 256 different BPD types) that picture is a very difficult and faded picture there was no real anger and agression. Its a terrible situation of guilt. So, as a codependent it's hard to understand and believe she moved on and you were not the one she told you were... And you never will know...

Maybe the only thing positive is she mirrored you and you now know your patterns and codependent behaviour is something you have to work on to make yourself better. It's the only thing to do. I don't know all things what happened in your relationship but it takes 2 to tango, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. I feel your regret for your decision but have to say to reconsider your thoughts and listen to your guts and intuition, emrace the feeling in your body, it won't lie! As a fellow codependent I took her back once and things were not like they were. She never put any energy in the new realtionship and held on to me until someone else snapped her bate... I asked for no contact when I broek up with her. She disagreed with it but never contacted me again.

My break up went as followed: she went away the night and I confronted her with this. She confirmed she slept with someone else, for the first time ( lie: she wasn't).
I told her I couldn't be there for her and wanted to break up and stop all our communication. In short the following happened:

- she had another but she she found it difficult to tell me.
- The new guy was better bc he wanted to be with her all the time...
- she said: say never never (leaving an opening in case the new guy wasn't it)
- she told me she was not able to see me with another woman in future bc than she lost me forever ( understand she had a new lover for months behind my back so to tell you this is so cruel).
- I was the best but it did not work and her new lover was not like me at all, but she had to accept a a lesser version man ( a complete opposite of her first argument he was way better.
- I told her I would miss her a lot, I loved her but this new guy was the the straw that broke the camel's back.
- she would miss me too and she really didn't want to let me go she said.
- I told her to reconsider things and make things better having heard everything she said the conclusion was we belonged together.
-She smiled and said: No, the new guy was better, sweeter ( read: richer) and she 100% dedicated to the new relation.
-She again told me she will miss me bc we were a golden couple.
-I told her to never forget me, all the things I did for her and my unconditional love for her.
-she told me she would not, but whe her new relationship would stop, she never would come back to me.
- I went away, the new guy came and stayed the whole weekend and never heard of her again.

I try to say that a mild BPD are maybe a lot more sneaky in manipulating, creating chaos and devaluating bc the real anger is not visuable. It's there, but you can't see it... It's a mess... Listen to your intuition, overthink all things happenend, was the respect, understanding and effort the same for both? I bet it's not!
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[IGetIt]

Thanks to those who posted. Going on 2 weeks since I was the one who ended the relationship. Tough stuff. But the ex has been really good at respecting my wish for no contact. Which of course lends me to doubt that she has Borderline Traits or not. Lots of doubts but your story sounds like mine without my ex having relationship betrayal. I think the most important lesson is that her brain really does think VERY VERY different than mine. And that ultimately was the final wake up that this relationship wasn't going to work. Despite SO many other things lined up to make it work. It was hard to leave something for nothing...

[rob66]

But the frequency of the emotional overreactions and seeing the world as MOSTLY black and white. She is recovering alcoholic by 10+ years and has put a lot of work into the program. So she does have some insight on mindfulness and other techniques to keep herself emotionally regulated. She basically kept iron clad control on her life for 10 years by not getting into any relationships until I came along.

Was in a one year pretty "classic" BPD relationship, where I was the codependent one for a stretch. Eyes wide open at the end and realized I was losing my self. So did the hard thing to end things. For both our sakes (i guess I'm still a little codependent). I would classify my ex girlfriend as BP Trait. Only because the intensity of her reactions weren't as crazy as what seems "typical". But the frequency of the emotional overreactions and seeing the world as MOSTLY black and white. She is recovering alcoholic by 10+ years and has put a lot of work into the program. So she does have some insight on mindfulness and other techniques to keep herself emotionally regulated. She basically kept iron clad control on her life for 10 years by not getting into any relationships until I came along. Then it got messy for both of us. Now that we are apart. She is finally seeing a counselor "for me not you" and pleading she will change. I hope she does. But it won't be for me. With all that said. This is really hard. I basically am treating her like an addiction and asked for no contact. She has made some very reasonable points etc that of course leads me to doubt my decision. And so I am trusting the advice of websites and commentators like you guys with similar experiences to understand her brain thinks very differently than mine...

I saw the words for the song Apologize by One Direction and it seems pretty clear he was in a BPD relationship and he felt the same way at the end as I. Its too late to apologize... Too much damage done to me by the "inadvertent" reactions and treated in a way that the punishment never really fit the crime. I just wish I found you guys earlier but God had a plan...

Your ex sounds a lot like my ex. She was really regulated most of the time, although in hindsight, the slight changes in her countenance, or moods were real indications of what was going on inside her mind. My ex was a heroine addict in her teens and 20s, but has been recovered for about 30 years. Even though she was not outwardly BPD, there were about 4 incidents during our 8-month relationship, however, during which her thoughts manifested themselves on full physical display. They were quite shocking to me. So many other flags but I did not understand them, as she was my introduction to personality disorders, and attachment styles - after having an amazing relationship, and being completely in love, she just dumped me out of the blue. Not much of an explanation, but when she was telling me that she was having second thoughts about us because of minor, very minor things (things that people in a healthy relationship would not think twice about) I became angry for the first time in the relationship. I told her she was being a hypocrite, that she was lying to me about her love for me, and that she did not even care about my feelings. Then "blast!" Dumped. She could not take criticism. Not even slight criticism like I just mentioned. I don't think the relationship would have ended there, or maybe it would have (her condition provides not clear explanation of anything, but I've accepted it), but had I known about BPD, disorganized attachment style, and, what I strongly suspect she also has, Paranoid Personality Disorder, I would have known how to communicate with her. I also told her during our last conversation that she was totally triggered by her past - I also told her best friend that she was still being triggered by her very traumatic past. I know now that that is a no-no because of the deep seated shame she has.

One positive thing about your ex is that she is willing to go to therapy. Mine said that I needed therapy (I had been considering it for years because I was a victim of a lot of violence at home and in the neighborhood I grew up in) and became very upset when I couldn't find one that worked for me.  I asked my ex if we could go to couples therapy and she VEHEMENTLY said no. But, my god, does she still need it. As with many people with BPD, the nons are the problem in the relationship, not them. Total black and white thinking. I have not talked to her in the three months since we broke up, and since that time I've learned so much about her conditions, and that helped me A LOT - especially this sigth. I don't feel the heartache or sadness that I felt so brutally when we broke up, and I really feel like myself mostly, only now with this new experience, this new scar.

My ex also hadn't been in a substantial relationship for 7 years since her divorce. She said that she had not gotten as close to anyone as she did with me. If this is true (I never found her to be a liar) then she probably didn't expect the emotions she was feeling and couldn't regulate them. I wonder if she realizes this and has sought to go back to therapy because our relationship was so amazing. I wonder if she realizes now that she had so much to do with why this amazing union was severed. I don't know if I'll ever reach out to her, or if she will reach out to me (in a perfect world she would reach out to me, and say that she realizes that her condition caused her to break up with me, and that she is in therapy to work on herself more). If I do reach out to her, it will only be to tell her that I still believe that we can be a great couple, but that it's going to take a lot of work from both of us.

I was codependent in this relationship, as well. I actually tried to end the relationship about half-way through when I realized that there was something deeply cold and callous about her, but couldn't bring myself to follow through because I am a classic "lonely child" and she was the first person, I think ever, who really saw me and understood me.

If she's in therapy, then she is really making an effort to get better. I wish my ex would do that.

[rob66]

If your ex is in therapy, I meant to say in that last sentence.

[IGetIt]

If your ex is in therapy, I meant to say in that last sentence.

Rob,

All hard stuff. You and I and our ex's sound a lot a like. I really at this point am not going to count on her "getting better". Because that will be a several year very difficult journey for her. I do feel guilty for "giving up". BUT I realize it just wasn't meant to be. Not at this time. And ANY energy on "holding out hope". Means my grief and recovery is just going to be unnecessarily prolonged. I know she wants to remain friends. And I hope one day that would be possible. But not worrying about that today... Wish this was all easier.Because I know that I will always have a place of love for her in my heart...