It’s quite hard to believe, but today is the day I’m drawing a big fat line under all of this. It’s been quite a ride (
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349060.0) . She has since lost her job again, went offline for days and finally posted some videos where she looks quite terrible and I can see she has been using drugs again. Been worried about her all weekend, hoping she would reach out. And then out of the blue she sends me a message to stop stalking her on LinkedIn. I checked my browser history and I didn’t even visit her profile more than 3 times in the past month (all over 2 weeks ago even), but ok.
I tell her: “I’ll remove you”. And she comes back with: “Do that. Accusing me of loving you, you better f**k off”. Not how I wanted my Monday to start, to be honest.
It’s not the first time she tells me to go away, accuses me off things, or feels the need to assure out of the blue that she doesn’t have any feelings for me. The difference is that this time, I’m done. I will f**k off. All the stuff she gifted me and left at my place is now in 2 big boxes that I intend to drop off in her hallway this evening.
It’s hard to get my head around it. We made a lot of progress but in the end it never lasts and always ends with her lashing out at me. It doesn’t even hurt anymore (although being accused of stalking is not fun) but it’s gotten to the point where I can see there is nothing to gain for me, nor for her I think. She needs professional help, and lots of it. She will need to see rock bottom before she can maybe accept that, and losing me is probably also needed for that.
I do feel guilty to do this right when she’s not doing great again, but I can not keep making excuses for her behavior. I won’t be adding a letter or an explanation to the boxes. There is no point in that I think, there is nothing to discuss.
It all feels a bit unreal, it feels like giving up on someone who deserves to be loved but at the same time I know I did everything I can and more. I’ll be ok, I’m sure. It will suck for a few days, weeks maybe but if this whole thing has given me one thing it’s an immense mental strength. It needs to end, and this is the logical conclusion, based on the way she’s been treating me.