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Author Topic: About last night  (Read 493 times)
ATiredMan

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« on: April 24, 2021, 02:07:45 PM »

Some backstory here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=348689.0

We hadn’t spoken for over a month. But last Sunday, she reached out to me. Asked me to come over for a bit in the evening and I did. It was fine, she had been through a lot again of course but there was also good news: she’s seeing a therapist again.

I kept it nice and short that evening, went back to my place after about 2 hours. I was having some medical issues after an accident and needed surgery on Wednesday. Usually me having stuff going on leads to her being indifferent at best, but this time she was very supportive. On Thursday she called me at noon, all stressed out for a job interview. We talked, she calmed down and I told her I would come over in the evening to watch a movie and relax. 10 minutes into the movie I hear a deep sigh and she just falls asleep next to me. I finish the movie, clean up a bit and go home. The next morning she texts me to apologize (no need) and thank me for being there.

Which brings us to Friday. It’s already quite late, 10PM-ish when she starts texting me: her brother is coming over tomorrow and she’s cleaning and nervous. Family is a big trigger. She asks if I could please come over and help her. No problem, I was just sitting at home alone anyway.

So I get there and the place is already almost clean but she is super stressed, having a manic episode it seems. But we talk, we clean. She tells me her medication dosage has been lowered again and that she hasn’t been taking her pills like she should. And there    is also a meeting with the employment agency on Monday. That’s a lot of triggers so I’m starting to get a bit worried.

The evening turns into the night, and she keeps going. Cleaning, and going back and forth about what she wants with me. Again it’s super clear there are a lot of feelings and she knows how I feel about her. I can literally see her switch in front of me at a super fast pace. There is a lot of tension in the air: attraction, fear, lust even. She tries everything she can to get me off balance. Asks me 20 times what’s wrong, why am I feeling on edge. I’m not on edge, but ask me that same question time and time again and I will be a bit, of course.

By this time it’s 5AM. I tell her I really really need to get some sleep and that I’ll take the couch. She goes to her bed but not 5 minutes later, as I return from the toilet she asks me to come to her room and sleep next to her.

The back and forth continues, it’s now a physical push-pull. Not violent or anything, just her wanting to be close and being super scared at the same time. I try to ease her mind, tell her she doesn’t have to do anything and that she doesn’t need to doubt that I love her and respect whatever boundary she draws between us, as I have done in the past. Stuff happens, but well we’re both dead tired and there is too much tension in the air. She leaves.

Then it’s 6AM and our curfew is lifted. She asks, or rather makes me leave. I’m still not sure how I got home to be honest. Hadn’t slept and it’s half an hour drive and I can’t remember anything of it. I come home and fall asleep. I wake up a few hours later and send her text to wish her luck and fun with the visit, and she replies with “f*ck off, a*hole”.  And then another one that says “I feel really cheap now”. I reply with the facts: “I never wanted that, I don’t see you like that and you know that.”. Half an hour later I get another text which in retrospect is quite comical. How she’s disappointed in my performance, how this was the last time etc. etc. I don’t reply, because I can see that it has been crafted to hurt me as much as possible, to get a reaction out of me.

I’m not really looking for advice or anything, it’s very clear to me what’s going on and what I should do (which is nothing at all except take care of myself for the time being). I just felt I needed to write it all down in order to process it a bit. I don’t take it personal, but it’s still hard to watch to see someone you care about have painfully obvious feelings for you too but then actively sabotage it.    
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2021, 11:08:28 AM »

It sounds like you’re quite clear on who she is and to expect the unexpected. How are you doing emotionally?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
ATiredMan

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« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2021, 03:08:09 PM »

Well it's not been the first time and it probably won't be the last I guess. I'm doing ok myself, I took saturday as easy as possible, with some nap time to get over the sleep deprivation. In fact, I'm quite proud of myself of how I handled it. The only thing I would probably do different in retrospect is go to bed at like 2AM latest, a somewhat sensible hour, instead of staying up until 5. That's where I crossed the line between being supportive and enabling her I think.

Part of me is screaming to reach out to her, but another more sensible part tells me to lean on experience, not panic or react and not try to put the fire out by adding more gasoline. It sucks hard to be in this situation again, but I'm sure she'll reach out when she's ready. I miss her, again, but the way she is right now in the middle of a crisis there is nothing I can do. And that is both frustrating and somewhat liberating at the same time.
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ATiredMan

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« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2021, 05:14:33 AM »

A few days later now, and I do notice I'm struggling a bit more than at the end of the last period of no contact. I'm having trouble sleeping after quitting the pain killers for my surgery and I'm sure that does not help. The urge to reach out to her is there, the urge to pack up all her stuff and dump it in her hallway is there too.

I try to remember what I know happened all the previous times, but the thought of possibly being out of contact for weeks again is not an easy one.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2021, 11:30:29 AM »

After surgery and painkillers, your brain function has not returned to baseline, and lack of sleep is not helping. It’s good to separate out the physiological from the emotional and be mindful that soon you’ll be back to normal and more equipped to ponder just exactly what you hope for in the future.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
ATiredMan

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« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2021, 02:17:43 PM »

She got the job, and she made sure I knew about. It felt right to send her a text to congratulate her on a good job interview. There hasn't been any reaction and I think that's the best I can hope for right now. In the past whenever I did reach out, she either snapped at me or did not react until a few days later. It's been 3 days now, I'm trying to be patient and take care of myself
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ATiredMan

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« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2021, 12:00:58 PM »

As I always knew, she came back last week. The positive evolution of before seems to have continued, she’s doing great at her new job (it was a nuanced story, so no euphoria or anything) and she’s at peace with her medication even! I even got sincere apologies for the way she treated me and a big hug in the middle of the street. This is the first time she ever showed me affection in public. The next days were great, some contact but not too much and a nice little meet-up on Sunday evening that was just right.

But of course, it did not last. She called me yesterday evening to meet up to watch a movie and all of a sudden the conversation shifted towards feelings. She felt attacked by a neighbor who commented on the fact that she has more male than female vistors (she does) and so suddenly it was about feelings.

Now she knows how I feel about her, and I did not pressure her or anything, but she felt she needed to assert she did not love me, in fact she does not feel anything at all for me. It hurt to hear that, and honestly I have a really hard time believing it. I really believe from her actions and stuff that has been said before that she feels a lot of things for me, but that she’s having trouble doing something with them. We’ve grown very close, and it scares her a lot. When she was telling me she doesn’t feel anything she was being very defensive, almost more telling herself rather than me. I hardly had any part in the “conversation”, again.

Whatever it is, the fact remains that now I’m the trigger again and that we’ll be out of contact for a while again. And that even with all the patience and space she still can’t handle her feelings towards me. Of course it’s also possible that I have been wrong about this whole thing, maybe she does not love me at all. That’s what the little voice in the back of my head is saying, but my gut and experience tell another story. And so far, my gut hasn’t been wrong once about us.
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ATiredMan

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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2021, 10:58:25 AM »

And here we are today: she calls me to ask me to text her her own phone number. Weird request, but ok.

Then an hour later she calls me again and asks if I can lend her a little bit of money until her paycheck comes in. I say "sure" and as a thank you she says she doesn't know how to act towards me after everything that had been said last time and knowing what I seem to be thinking she's feeling.

I felt myself acting a lot more distant than before. I told her I didn't want to talk about that over the phone, but that we should at some point talk about it because we seem to have a different idea of what friendship is. We've come a long way already, most of it together, but I feel that maybe it's time for her to make the next leg of the journey on her own. It would be painful to me, but this isn't great either.
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« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2021, 10:20:15 PM »

stress, man. its kryptonite for bpd. its no picnic for anybody.

Excerpt
Part of me is screaming to reach out to her, but another more sensible part tells me to lean on experience, not panic or react and not try to put the fire out by adding more gasoline. It sucks hard to be in this situation again, but I'm sure she'll reach out when she's ready. I miss her, again, but the way she is right now in the middle of a crisis there is nothing I can do. And that is both frustrating and somewhat liberating at the same time.
...
As I always knew, she came back last week.
...
she felt she needed to assert she did not love me, in fact she does not feel anything at all for me. It hurt to hear that, and honestly I have a really hard time believing it.
...
she doesn't know how to act towards me after everything that had been said last time

i can very much relate to what youre describing here. ive found myself in a similar place in a lot of my relationships, even if not the exact circumstances.

you have smart inclinations about not chasing or acting on anxiety. and it very much occurred to me that she was probably embarrassed about how shed spoken to you. shes probably embarrassed about a number of things, on a number of levels.

and the strongest antidote to all of that, from your own anxieties, to the lashing out, to the shifting feelings, to the sudden declarations of having no love? playing it cool  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
ATiredMan

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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2021, 03:25:07 AM »

Thank you for replying once removed Smiling (click to insert in post)
you have smart inclinations about not chasing or acting on anxiety. and it very much occurred to me that she was probably embarrassed about how shed spoken to you. shes probably embarrassed about a number of things, on a number of levels.
Oh for sure, she can project a lot of confidence but deep down she's very insecure. And I've seen time and time again that for some reason my opinion of her matters a lot, and in her mind can never be positive.
and the strongest antidote to all of that, from your own anxieties, to the lashing out, to the shifting feelings, to the sudden declarations of having no love? playing it cool  Being cool (click to insert in post)
I just try to live my best life Smiling (click to insert in post) I had a lovely evening with my friends, I did miss having her around and now I see she's spent most of the weekend posting sad songs on her facebook. It's a bit sad to watch, but I feel like it is her own choice now, she has my number and she knows I will pick up the phone Smiling (click to insert in post).
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ATiredMan

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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2021, 06:22:06 AM »

I'm done: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349589.new#new
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