pwBPD say all manner of things like, "I'm moving with or without you.". Also, angry people without it do, too, but have a harder time hiding it from themselves, and might apologize later. A good response might be, "have fun paying the rent/mortgage working only weekends. As the primary breadwinner and responsible parent, WE might be the ones moving without YOU." Maybe not :P Anyway, BPD is not the only reason people say stuff like that - lots of couples are high conflict without a PD present. BPD just makes it a certainty that at some point, something will be tossed at you. And if you are tired, stressed, and getting yelled at like this a lot, it's really hard to shrug off and put it on the disease and not the person with it.
She may know something is off, but really, she finds it easier to blame YOU for it being off than to at this point admit she is the cause of any part of it. She is going to take time to move past this, if she even can.
You might try reading SET tools - Support - Empathy - Truth. It's not easy, but you support her, you empathize with her, and you try to communicate the truth with her, in that order.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0^This is a link to it - it is not a guarantee that it will sink in, and some people say that you will need to repeat yourself to get it past their anti-shame guards. I know for H is often have to repeat myself a lot in the same conversation, trying to remain calm and even the whole time, just for him to accept 50% of what I am saying if it clashes with his emotional interpretations.
You may try getting her to open up about how she felt when she was neglected and left to eat nonsense as a child, to help her see that she should not repeat that pattern with her own child. This would be a time to empathize with her, maybe. Maybe don't connect all the dots at first, just get her talking and thinking about it.
And, you CAN'T make her realize she needs help. And help for BPD in therapy is hit or miss, because a lot of psychs don't like to mess with it since you can't just prescribe a serotonin uptake inhibitor or mood elevator. It's a long committment.
She is living in the same fantasy world as her grandparents, so it's comfortable for her. Think about hobbits, and how they like to hear thing they already know and agree with (read the Fellowship of the Ring if you've not
). They are uncomfortable with Bilbo and to an extent Frodo because they buck the norm, and they don't like being taken out of their comfort zones (which for hobbits is quite large).
Gah - this is part of what we are Child Free by Choice - H dithered too long about getting married and I was not going to be a mother before that, so age is a factor, but also, with his outbursts and inability to always handle stress factors in an adult way, and my fears of repeating my parents' mistakes or making all new ones swinging to far too smothering instead of neglecting, I was worried I'd hurt any kids we had and so have chosen to not have any.
Look, set yourself mini evaluation deadlines. Like, at the end of each week or month, that's when you will make your decision about staying. Take it off the table day to day - wondering every single day is part of what is making you feel so crazy. I know this helped me - I went month to month at our worst time, then set it to 6 month intervals. So, you're staying this week. Let's see how you feel next Friday.
