Are BPDs happy at all?

[jaird]

Who cares who they call, text, email after Mr. X has run its course?  :)o you honestly want to stand there and wait to be 2nd?  You can't hang onto anything they said or did during their fantasy with you honestly.  If you workout-do it for yourself, not anybody else, no amount of working out is really going to attract crazy.  

My exBPD seemed very happy with me in the beginning of course, I could do No wrong, no matter what I did or said it seemed like.  The longer the relationship lasted the more flaws I apparently had, until I had to been manipulated into believing I was just a bad person.  They live in a world of fantasy, they can only be happy in a new relationship for soo long of a period-until reality sets in that we aren't really Jesus or savior of the world, then they have to go looking for the next one that is.  

ScotisGone is 100% right. With all due respect, you guys are crazy if you're going to wait and see if you can get recycled by a person who dumped you, and who probably knows no boundaries, is sexually impulsive, has no sense of compassion, sympathy or empathy, and probably distorts facts and lies too.

Enough is enough for me. I'm glad I'm out. I do miss the good times we had together, and miss the way she treated me when we were together, but honestly, this is a serious disorder, and even under the best of circumstances-DBT therapy and meds, it is a long road to haul.

[jaird]

And yes, the whole thing about the new city, new job, new relationship is designed to make them happy for a while. And yes, after a while the SO realizes that the pwBPD is not right, and the mask is off. And that may well be a reason for them to dump the SO. So much of their life is a facade, wanting to appear happy, appear complete, appear to have it all together. When it comes out that something is obviously wrong, it may be better for them to dump the r/s, learn from the mistakes, and start anew. My ex was definitely not the type to work on problems or discuss issues. It was second nature for her to run away.

In two years time span my ex claimed to want to do the following:

1. Work long shifts at night and over the weekend, as opposed to her usual 9-330PM Mon-Fri job, and despite the fact that she hates driving at night and the job involves driving. And despite the fact that she attends many family functions, which are all on weekends. She needed me to point out the downside to all this.

2. Become an air marshall, despite the fact that she has never fired a gun, is not physically strong, and was about 15 years past the maximum age. When I told her that my friend does this for a living, and that I did not think she was capable of doing it, she did not believe me. She even denied that there was an age limit for a while.

3. Become a traveling nurse and move around the country, despite the fact that her family is all in one area, and she is close to her kids and grandkids. And despite the fact that she does not make new friends easily, or even like being around strangers.

All these dreams, and she could not see the obvious downsides/impossibilities to them.

[Vegasskydiver]

As many writings will tell you, BPD is a form of emotional immaturity.  My view is that pwBPDs have never learnt to be happy, or never allowed themselves to feel that way.  If something is going right, they will think "it will go wrong" (then make it a self-fulfilling prophesy), and if something is going wrong it just proves that they are right.

This is absolutely true – when we were first together and I expressed some of my concerns to a friend of mine, the phrase ‘emotionally immature’ came up a lot. And yeah with them it seems to be a win win situation wheras the partner just cant win

Sorry redberry, I did not realize I was on the staying board.

Mightyhammers is right. Mine was the most pessimistic person I have ever seen as far as our relationship, and the 22 year marriage she was in prior to being with me. She just could not be happy, or not for long, and she always thought of what could go wrong, as opposed to how to take steps to help things along in the RIGHT direction. She just never got that relationships, especially after the honeymoon phase, sometimes require work. She had this idealized vision that everything should be perfect and fairy tale like.

You are not on the staying board!

[jaird]

I am convinced, that at last with my ex, a lot of her life is spent in a dreamlike state where things are always good or always should be good, and her eyes are closed to many things. When she is not in that dreamlike state, she was often negative and nasty. I could here the state she was in by her voice, and it could change suddenly.

I think the biggest dream she had was not realizing that r/s are not always peaches and cream. She wanted a perfect, no stress r/s, and yet she wanted to manipulate me into doing whatever she wanted. When there were issues, and we really only had a couple but they were pretty big, she would never see that a compromise could be worked out. It was always a rage, and then her way or the highway.

[jaird]

As many writings will tell you, BPD is a form of emotional immaturity.  My view is that pwBPDs have never learnt to be happy, or never allowed themselves to feel that way.  If something is going right, they will think "it will go wrong" (then make it a self-fulfilling prophesy), and if something is going wrong it just proves that they are right.

This is absolutely true – when we were first together and I expressed some of my concerns to a friend of mine, the phrase ‘emotionally immature’ came up a lot. And yeah with them it seems to be a win win situation wheras the partner just cant win

Sorry redberry, I did not realize I was on the staying board.

Mightyhammers is right. Mine was the most pessimistic person I have ever seen as far as our relationship, and the 22 year marriage she was in prior to being with me. She just could not be happy, or not for long, and she always thought of what could go wrong, as opposed to how to take steps to help things along in the RIGHT direction. She just never got that relationships, especially after the honeymoon phase, sometimes require work. She had this idealized vision that everything should be perfect and fairy tale like.

You are not on the staying board!

Yes, you're right, I/we are NOT in the staying board, LOL. You think I might have noticed that since I started this thread, LOL. But really, I was much more of a mess emotionally even two weeks ago, or whenever I started it.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Addressing the original topic:

I reached a very sad conclusion about a BPD sufferer... .   that they lack a fundamental capacity to be happy.  They feel pleasure definitely... .   but not the steady, prolonged sense of well being that the non-sufferers can.  Once I understood that this is a disease of dysphoria, all my anger dissipated and compassion took over.

The nons cannot even begin to verbalize this type of constant pain.  I came across these lines Dr. Faustus (spoken by Mephistopheles).  These lines gave me the first glimmer of the pain of a BPD sufferer.

Within the bowels of these elements,

Where we are tortured and remain for ever;

Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed

In one self place; for where we are is hell,(125)

And where hell is there must we ever be:

And, to conclude, when all the world dissolves,

And every creature shall be purified,

All places shall be hell that is not Heaven.

I think that I should also clarify, that in my opinion, the BPD sufferers are not bad nor evil.  What is bad and evil is the effect their disease has on the nons who love them, who live with them.

A subtle yet profound difference.

[jaird]

I think that I should also clarify, that in my opinion, the BPD sufferers are not bad nor evil.  What is bad and evil is the effect their disease has on the nons who love them, who live with them.

A subtle yet profound difference.

That's why you're a "distinguished member", LOL

Yes, they are not necessarily evil, but they can easily be evil when they choose to be. Mine certainly was. I don't see them as victims at all. They may be victims of their own disorder and thinking, but really, if a person has no sympathy or empathy for anyone, I find it hard to see them as a victim.

And yes, they leave a wake of carnage behind them, and the people that love or loved them suffer the most.

[seeking balance]

I really don't know, and you know what? I really don't care anymore.

Hey Jaird, if this is true - why did you start the thread and why continue posting on it?

It seems like you do still care, I mean that is ok - just trying to figure out where your head is in all this.

[jaird]

 I post now more out of boredom and wanting to help others. As far as whether she will ever be happy, I seriously doubt if she can sustain any type of happiness in a r/s.

And while I wonder how she's doing, it is really not my concern whether she is happy or not. No matter what, she will tell me she's very happy if I ask. But I know her well enough to know that she can publicly fake happiness, and that she will now say whatever she thinks will hurt me.

So, do i really care if she is happy? Hell, no! I hope she's miserable, and I know she will be someday soon, or her new BF will be.

[seeking balance]

I post now more out of boredom and wanting to help others.

were you bored when you started this thread?

how did you envision this helping others if not? 

the leaving board is designed to give people tools for detaching, where would this post fit into the goals or 5 stages of detachment on the right hand side?

[laelle]

They are shades of grey just like the rest of us... .   Just because they cant see that, doesnt mean we cant.

They are sick.  It doesnt mean you should stay, but understand why your not.  Its not being done to hurt you, we just get hurt in their need to control their own pain.  We are collateral damage.  

When you stop blaming and hating and start understanding, you start to be able to let it go and move on.

I practice examining things that were in my relationship that really upset me.  The silent treatment.  I get angry and incensed about it.

Its wrong, its unfair.  I will never again be punished for not holding up to someones vision of what I should be.

Therefore, I will never go back into this relationship.  Its not him taking from me now, its me deciding not to give.

[jaird]

I post now more out of boredom and wanting to help others.

were you bored when you started this thread?

how did you envision this helping others if not? 

the leaving board is designed to give people tools for detaching, where would this post fit into the goals or 5 stages of detachment on the right hand side?

I am not sure. I guess I had a question, and people liked my question.

I am not saying this particular question was designed to help anyone. What I meant was that now, having digested a lot of my own break up, I will help someone else going through similar.

And as far as the tools and stages and all that. I am not really about that. I know they are helpful to some degree, but this is not physics. Sometimes (most of the time) people just want to vent and know that others can commiserate with them.

[GreenMango]

Jaird at 242 posts and a senior member it's important to make this about ourselves at one point.  Guess what happens if we don't?  Rinse Repeat.

People with BPD aren't the only ones living out a script or schema of unhappiness or dysfunction.  It happens all the time with the ex-partners too. 

[seeking balance]

I am not sure. I guess I had a question,

so, you had a question - but you don't care about the answer?

help me out here Jaird, you seem like a smart man - can you see my confusion in what you posted?

And as far as the tools and stages and all that. I am not really about that. I know they are helpful to some degree, but this is not physics. Sometimes (most of the time) people just want to vent and know that others can commiserate with them.

yeah, venting has its place - but at some point it is time to look in the mirror, wouldn't you say?  Why else be here?

sorry GM - cross posted

[jaird]

Jaird at 242 posts and a senior member it's important to make this about ourselves at one point.  Guess what happens if we don't?  Rinse Repeat.

People with BPD aren't the only ones living out a script or schema of unhappiness or dysfunction.  It happens all the time with the ex-partners too. 

I would not rinse and repeat. No way. If I was involved in another r/s like this, I would never become attached or trust my partner. If I saw the same signs of a disorder, I would stay uncommitted. I would not let myself fall in love.

Am I a senior member now? Do I get a badge? 

[jaird]

I am not sure. I guess I had a question,

so, you had a question - but you don't care about the answer?

help me out here Jaird, you seem like a smart man - can you see my confusion in what you posted?

and people liked my question.

oh, Jaird - no need to triangulate the board for validation 

And as far as the tools and stages and all that. I am not really about that. I know they are helpful to some degree, but this is not physics. Sometimes (most of the time) people just want to vent and know that others can commiserate with them.

yeah, venting has its place - but at some point it is time to look in the mirror, wouldn't you say?  Why else be here?

sorry GM - cross posted

The only thing I see in the mirror is a man that got hooked on a person and on a  r/s, and that person was shallow, cruel and not at all real.

I don't blame myself, nor do I think I have any real shortcoming that somehow led me into this r/s. I was bored and vulnerable, but that is not really a personality defect.

And to all those who say "They are not bad people. They are disordered. You should have sympathy for them". That may all be true. But your ex is not my ex. I was threatened, told to go away, told I would have a stroke, repeatedly called names, accused constantly of things, blamed for a break up I did not want or initiate, lied to, etc etc etc, as so many of us have been.

There is a fine line I suppose between an illness and pure evil.

[sad but wiser]

jaird, I think the mental illness makes them more succeptible to evil.  This disorder adds an element of being able to rationalize the irrational.

  If you think about it, babies are awful.  They cry and carry on if they don't get what they want.  They will bite, kick and scream when you stop them from going out into the street.  They try to fling themselves backwards out of your arms (usually onto the concrete) when they want down.  You cannot reason with them.  They cry when they aren't hungry, cold, wet or needing to be burped. They come out of the womb like that.  Two things are the saving grace: 1) they are cute   2) you knew what you were getting into when you became a parent (sort of) and that they will outgrow it.

  In the case of BPD, you essentially have a baby in an adult body.  Usually, they are cute.  But, you had no idea of what you were getting into when the relationship began, and they aren't just going to outgrow it.  

[BorderlineMagnet]

Rationalize the irrational... .   that is the perfect way to word it. My current ex pwBPD actually asked me why couldn't I be happy for her when I found out she was seeing another guy, yet still stringing me along. She said she was confused about us, but when I told on her to her new guy she sent frantic texts saying I'm not confused anymore, and that I'll do anything to make it better with him. After only knowing this guy less than a month, and me 10 months. Not to mention neither of us had argued or fought with each other that entire time. I told her I could've been happy for her if she would've told me she moved on like an adult, instead of posting a FB pic with him. That was the first time I saw her child-like BPD behavior. Although she's high-fucntioning enough to not even say really anything damaging to me other than "right now" she didn't think she wants to talk to me again.

[paperlung]

You would think at least during the initial idealization/honeymoon phase they are. I don't think they are capable of substaining a sense of happiness long term, though.

[jaird]

Rationalize the irrational... .   that is the perfect way to word it. My current ex pwBPD actually asked me why couldn't I be happy for her when I found out she was seeing another guy, yet still stringing me along. She said she was confused about us, but when I told on her to her new guy she sent frantic texts saying I'm not confused anymore, and that I'll do anything to make it better with him. After only knowing this guy less than a month, and me 10 months. Not to mention neither of us had argued or fought with each other that entire time. I told her I could've been happy for her if she would've told me she moved on like an adult, instead of posting a FB pic with him. That was the first time I saw her child-like BPD behavior. Although she's high-fucntioning enough to not even say really anything damaging to me other than "right now" she didn't think she wants to talk to me again.

I put no stock in anything my ex says now, or even said in the past. Words are cheap. They may have felt them at the time, but they have few core values, and their feelings and emotions are all over the place and don't last.

[mosaic102]

dont last is right! my ex broke up with me and left my house without even warning me or saying goodbye. we didnt even have a face to face break up. he did it over facebook and only when i came home to find all of his stuff missing from my house and i facebooked him to see what was going on.  we were talking about marriage just a few weeks ago!... .     I AM SO SAD UPSET AND CONFUSED.

[jaird]

dont last is right! my ex broke up with me and left my house without even warning me or saying goodbye. we didnt even have a face to face break up. he did it over facebook and only when i came home to find all of his stuff missing from my house and i facebooked him to see what was going on.  we were talking about marriage just a few weeks ago!... .     I AM SO SAD UPSET AND CONFUSED.

Welcome to the club. Mine did it after 27 months together, and 18 months of asking me to move in with her or live near her. As I prepared to move, and told her I would be down in six weeks to find a place, she broke up with me via phone and text just after we had spent six days together. She later said she had felt it coming on for months, and was no longer in love with me. I think a person without the disorder would have found a was to discuss things face to face, but that is not her way.

I like to think now that I am better off. I realize because her feelings and emotions are so fleeting, I probably would not have ever trusted her anyway. After this breakup, how could I ever trust anything she said or did? I also realize that, as she said, it's all about her. She has no sympathy or compassion for anyone. How would she have treated me as a regular day to day partner? Probably the same way she treated her ex husband, by having affairs and blaming it on him.