no one conpares to her.

[trevjim]

I've got a problem and I was wondering if anyone has any experience with it.

My ex was stunning, I was punching well above my weight, she was funny,  interesting,  loving, she was as close to perfect as a guy could want. The idlelizing gave me life's biggest high.

The BPD obviously caused the relationship to break down and some of the good points may have been due to mirroring etc.

So my problem... .  

Although I not ready to date, I find myself checking out girls and no one matches up, I find people almost like a diluted version of my ex. Now I may find someone with out the negative side my ex has and that's great, but I don't want to settle for second best.

I'm 24, young, but I feel like my life has been ruined because I had the best girlfriend I could ever want (i want to reinforce I'm talking about the good part of the relationship)and now I feel I'm never going to get that again and that depresses me.

Will this get better in time? Will I ever meet someone who will make me that alive again (without the BPD) does anyone else feel like this?

[paperlung]

Gotta knock her off that pedestal, mate.

You're young, you'll love again. Give it time. Don't force it.

[blecker]

Will this get better in time? Will I ever meet someone who will make me that alive again (without the BPD) does anyone else feel like this?

Yep, it will. Yes, you will, And yes, I have.

Give it some time, take a few risks and meet some people, do some new things you have not done before and soon you will find the world is filled with exciting, wonderfull women.

I think that also, in time, you will realize that it's whats under the hood that will keep things purring rather the shiny paint job.

[bondafc]

Yes it gets better with time.

As the tension and anxiety flows out of your system, the highs won't seem as intense as they do now.

The danger is that you can also start to minimize the bad stuff and romanticize the good stuff.

It really is like drug re-hab.

Mine was fun, sassy, playful, and ... .   a monster... .  

She said and did the most horrific things.

I bought a nice notebook and a pen.

At the top of the first page i wrote:

"IT'S NOT OK THAT SHE:... .   "

In bullet form, I wrote every miserable, selfish, horrible thing she said or did to me.

It filled up almost two pages.

When I get nostalgic about the "Good Times" we had, I read the list.

BTW, hand-writing the list is somehow more "real" than typing it into a computer... .

[TheDude]

Just think, Jim... .   yes, I've felt that way... .   years before you were even born!

But life goes on.

And on and on and on.

Was the most recent relationship I'd had by 24 the best thing ever? Well, she did have a thousand great qualities... .   and one awful one (alcoholic).

And life went on.

And as life has gone on, I've come to the personal conclusion that no one person should ever be granted the status of benchmark by which all others before or since are judged. None of my exes are better or worse than the other - only different. Individual. Unique. The elevated status isn't indicative of human value, but of our own ability to accept, let go, and insist on an optimistic future.

You'll get there. Time is your friend.

[Lady31]

I second what bondafc said.  I made this list also.  (Actually still making it as I am not out of the woods yet.)

VERY helpful.  I found I was lying to myself about who my H is and that is what got me stuck.  When you start to see her more for who she really is as ONE PACKAGE that will begin to fade.  You will also realize that those extreme highs were not real.  She cheated you and played the BPD game - so, SHE wasn't the ideal EITHER.

Ted Bundy was quite charming... .   didn't really make up for the dark parts though... .  

[trevjim]

Thank you for your replies everyone.

I am really struggling to get her off that pedestal. I almost feel I need to get under someone to get over her and that isnt healthy. Ive wrote a list before and that helps.

[bondafc]

This helped me... .    

I put this up on my bathroom mirror and read it every morning... .    

I look forward to the day I take it down and don't need it anymore.

   She won’t change.

   You can’t make her better.

   She doesn't love you.

   Things really were that bad.

   You can’t be friends with her.

   She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

   You can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person

   She isn't going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

   A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is  the majority of the time.

   You deserve better.

   She isn’t real.  I can’t make her real.

   You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

[Dave44]

To be totally honest... .   I had never seen another woman as attractive as my ex before I met her, and I have never seen a woman as attractive as my ex since she left me. Matter of fact not even remotely close. It's a very depressing realization to accept.

[trevjim]

To be totally honest... .   I had never seen another woman as attractive as my ex before I met her, and I have never seen a woman as attractive as my ex since she left me. Matter of fact not even remotely close. It's a very depressing realization to accept.

Yup, same here, I know looks are not everything but its still hard

[Dave44]

To be totally honest... .   I had never seen another woman as attractive as my ex before I met her, and I have never seen a woman as attractive as my ex since she left me. Matter of fact not even remotely close. It's a very depressing realization to accept.

Yup, same here, I know looks are not everything but its still hard

Yup, completely agree. Call me shallow but I will never sacrifice looks for compatibility. Not to say I'll date a woman who I'm not compatible with just because of her looks but I feel I have the right to be insanely sexually attracted to my romantic partner. After all. I'm looking for a girlfriend not a girl-friend. If I never find anyone as attractive as her I'm perfectly fine staying single. Never will I settle just becuase she's a "good person".

[Vegasskydiver]

I can completely relate to this.  My ex is by far the most handsome, sexy, fun, adventurous man that I have ever met.  Yet he had a very dark side.  I can't past the chemistry we shared and I am in my 40's.  I really don't believe that I will ever meet someone who I will feel this way towards.  He had everything that I wanted in a man, and then the BPD reared it's ugly head.  I compare eveyone to him and no one will ever match.  I pray this feeling goes away. I pray that I am wrong.

[healingmyheart]

I must be healing more than I realize because even though my ex was extremely attractive on the exterior, his "ugly interior" has made him look hideous to me. 

Although I couldn't be with someone who is grossly overweight because I personally am very health conscious and I think it's important to take care of our body, mind and spirit in totality, I can totally be attracted to just an average guy.

I think my infatuation or whatever you want to call it is finally fading.  I don't want to waste my days dreaming about what I had or shall I say what I thought I had and what would never be with my ex.  He will never have "normal" in his life and I really just empathize with him.  I want someone who will make me feel "safe" and will share their core feelings with me.  I don't want a shallow relationship like I had with my ex.  His exterior beauty and persona were all so shallow.  I want someone I know I can trust and not have to question their motives.  I want someone who I know loves me for ME and not only what I can provide to him materially or otherwise.  I want to feel safe in that I don't have to worry about being raged at for any little thing.  I said I want to feel "safe" twice... .   that is obviously very important in that I never felt safe with my ex. 

We all deserve so much more.  I refuse to waste another minute of another day ruminating about what could never be real for me.  There was a lot of good moments in the beginning and I will treasure that and try to learn from the painful moments near the end of the relationship. Life is about learning and moving forward... .  

[healingmyheart]

And let me just add that If I never find that person who will meet my requirements as outlined above, I'm truly ok with that.  I need to feel secure within myself and If I do spend the rest of my days alone, I'm going to be ok with that.  I don't need a man to complete me. 

[Vegasskydiver]

I must be healing more than I realize because even though my ex was extremely attractive on the exterior, his "ugly interior" has made him look hideous to me. 

Although I couldn't be with someone who is grossly overweight because I personally am very health conscious and I think it's important to take care of our body, mind and spirit in totality, I can totally be attracted to just an average guy.

I think my infatuation or whatever you want to call it is finally fading.  I don't want to waste my days dreaming about what I had or shall I say what I thought I had and what would never be with my ex.  He will never have "normal" in his life and I really just empathize with him.  I want someone who will make me feel "safe" and will share their core feelings with me.  I don't want a shallow relationship like I had with my ex.  His exterior beauty and persona were all so shallow.  I want someone I know I can trust and not have to question their motives.  I want someone who I know loves me for ME and not only what I can provide to him materially or otherwise.  I want to feel safe in that I don't have to worry about being raged at for any little thing.  I said I want to feel "safe" twice... .   that is obviously very important in that I never felt safe with my ex. 

We all deserve so much more.  I refuse to waste another minute of another day ruminating about what could never be real for me.  There was a lot of good moments in the beginning and I will treasure that and try to learn from the painful moments near the end of the relationship. Life is about learning and moving forward... .  

I want to be where you are.  It's not all about the attractiveness for me.  I felt a very intense bond during the first six months of the idealization phase.  Then we broke up and I was recycled.  I remember last 4th of July, we were snuggling first thing in the morning.  I kept trying to ge tcloser and he said to me... .   "I know what you are feeling... .   I feel the same way, I can't get close enough to you, I want to be closer... .   ", it was exactly what I was feeling and it was an overwhelming moment where I thought our thoughts were in exactly the same place.  I have never had that kind of intense feeling before and can't imagine ever feeling it again.  I still love him but I do know that it can never be again.  Next time he would kill me... .   :'( :'( :'(

[mtmc01]

I can 100% relate. My ex BPDgf is the most sexy, exotic, drop-dead gorgeous woman I've ever met. I'm the type that also needs that strong physical attraction, especially initially in a relationship. The crazy thing is that she devalued herself so much over and over and over over her looks no matter how much I complemented her that I almost started to believe her.

[BradyK]

Hi trevjim --

No one matches up to her, or no one matches up to the FANTASY of her that you continue to nourish?

It is quite possible no one ever will match up to your fantasy. It is also possible that that many, many women can surpass the reality of her.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I can empathize. My recent ex pwBPD was my fantasy. Body, face, voice, personality... .   all of it. We were sexually perfect, and actually started out as friends with benefits for 6 months before even dating. She could not get enough of me, and me of her. She's high-functioning so I don't think her fawning over my body and ability was false, but it will be hard to get over this. It's not even been 3 weeks since I outed her to the guy she was seeing, but I have tried to hook up with a very attractive woman in the meantime. I've used this woman as... .   material before in self fun. In person though I couldn't even kiss her, or perform otherwise. So caught up with my ex that I felt paralyzed. My ex is in her old pattern of sleazy, dumb, white trash guys right now- I was her exception. A sweet, caring, stable, safe guy. Even though I outed her to this guy, she really wasn't mean to me on our last phone call. She asked for no contact in a specific way: "Right now I don't think I wanna talk to you again." She had to say right now... .   So here I am stuck wanting her to initiate contact again. By my predictions since she went intense, and fast with this guy, he only has about a month left. We were only bf/gf for 2 1/2 months, and dated for 2 more, but we had bonded quite a bit during our fwb days. I know I'll give in if she contacts me. I'm so stuck with that no one compares feeling.

[Clearmind]

Will this get better in time? Will I ever meet someone who will make me that alive again (without the BPD) does anyone else feel like this?

Wow Trevjim your GF is hot?

She is the most stunning girl - you are so lucky?

I bet you guys have a great time - how could you not with a girl like that?

How does hearing this make you feel? Feel good?

hit_


Trev, I know where you are at and it does get better.

For the time I was with my ex I felt like I was Cinderella ~ complete with the coach, the coachman, the white horses and a beautiful dress ~ he made me feel worthy ~ I had a man on my arm that was gorgeous and the envy of all. So many people commented on how attractive my ex was – you imagine how that made me feel! Worthy! For a moment.

Ring any bells? Maybe replace Cinderella with Prince Charming!

Yes it was a fantasy steeped in lack of self worth.

I was mirroring what I didn't feel I had within myself.

So look at yourself in the mirror and really ask yourself what makes you wonderful. Build your self worth and your dating circle will open up 50 fold – because you are not looking to fill a void but rather find a girl who is compatible and has all the important traits to make a relationship work.

A healthy relationship is so much much than looks, charm and magical thinking.

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

• Respect



• Trust and support



• Honesty and accountability



• Shared responsibility



• Economic partnership



• Negotiation and fairness



• Non-threatening behavior

[/list]

[healingmyheart]

Clearmind,

Wow, looking at the characteristics of a healthy relationship, it really brings home just how unhealthy mine was with my ex.

1-respect... .   no respect, my ex controlled me like a possession and raged if he didn't get his way.

2-trust and support... .   lack of trust was ultimately what destroyed us.  My ex had several emotional affairs going behind my back.

3-honest and accountability... .   yet something else lacking.  My ex lied to me about the affairs and continued to deny them even with evidence

4-shared responsibility... .   I pretty much did everything.  His contribution was telling me what to do.

5-economic partnership... .   he lived in my house for free and contributed "nothing" financially. 

6-negotiation and fairness... .   nothing was every fair.  Things were always done to his liking.

7-non-threatening behavior... .   control, manipulation, raging were all the name in the game for my ex. 


Thank you for posting this.  It helps for me to see in black and white just how dysfunctional the relationship truly was.  When I see it in writing, I'm almost appalled that I allowed it to happen.  I was so wrong and I must never allow it to happen again. 

[Mightyhammers]

My ex was completely up my alley looks wise, so when we started talking and I realised that she actually had a brain and there was chemistry there I was knocked for 6 – this makes things a lot harder to accept. Im 40 this year so Im no young buck anymore unfortunately, and Im sure my options are diminishing by the day – will I ever meet someone like her again? I very much doubt it ( someone get me a violin ), but Ive always said I would rather live the rest of my life alone than with the wrong person. And looking back on it yeah I guess she was the wrong person.

Btw I have a folder on my laptop full of pictures of her in various states of undress, I have no idea what to do with them hahahahahahaha

[trevjim]

My ex was completely up my alley looks wise, so when we started talking and I realised that she actually had a brain and there was chemistry there I was knocked for 6 – this makes things a lot harder to accept. Im 40 this year so Im no young buck anymore unfortunately, and Im sure my options are diminishing by the day – will I ever meet someone like her again? I very much doubt it ( someone get me a violin ), but Ive always said I would rather live the rest of my life alone than with the wrong person. And looking back on it yeah I guess she was the wrong person.

Btw I have a folder on my laptop full of pictures of her in various states of undress, I have no idea what to do with them hahahahahahaha

That's it, its not just the looks, its the chemistry and intellect etc. I know that it may of been fake, but it still had the effect on me that it would if it was real. Now I've had that I don't know if I can settle for anything less.

[hithere]

I was punching well above my weight

I commented on this in another thread but can't find it, so here is pretty much what I think.

Don't be so shallow... .   my ex with BPD was an 8 or 9, but if you truly fall in love with someone they always get bumped up a number or a few. Find someone who is cute and is an amazing person, if they start off as a 7 they might end up being your 10 forever!

Sure it felt great to go out and have guys basically drooling over my ex but in the end that didn't matter.  She was a nasty person and I would not wish her on my worst enemy.

[Clearmind]

Clearmind,

Wow, looking at the characteristics of a healthy relationship, it really brings home just how unhealthy mine was with my ex.

1-respect... .   no respect, my ex controlled me like a possession and raged if he didn't get his way.

2-trust and support... .   lack of trust was ultimately what destroyed us.  My ex had several emotional affairs going behind my back.

3-honest and accountability... .   yet something else lacking.  My ex lied to me about the affairs and continued to deny them even with evidence

4-shared responsibility... .   I pretty much did everything.  His contribution was telling me what to do.

5-economic partnership... .   he lived in my house for free and contributed "nothing" financially. 

6-negotiation and fairness... .   nothing was every fair.  Things were always done to his liking.

7-non-threatening behavior... .   control, manipulation, raging were all the name in the game for my ex. 


Thank you for posting this.  It helps for me to see in black and white just how dysfunctional the relationship truly was.  When I see it in writing, I'm almost appalled that I allowed it to happen.  I was so wrong and I must never allow it to happen again. 

It really does! When we met our ex's we were focussing on all the stuff that has little do with a long term commitment.

[Dave44]

Will this get better in time? Will I ever meet someone who will make me that alive again (without the BPD) does anyone else feel like this?

Wow Trevjim your GF is hot?

She is the most stunning girl - you are so lucky?

I bet you guys have a great time - how could you not with a girl like that?

How does hearing this make you feel? Feel good?

hit_


Trev, I know where you are at and it does get better.

For the time I was with my ex I felt like I was Cinderella ~ complete with the coach, the coachman, the white horses and a beautiful dress ~ he made me feel worthy ~ I had a man on my arm that was gorgeous and the envy of all. So many people commented on how attractive my ex was – you imagine how that made me feel! Worthy! For a moment.

Ring any bells? Maybe replace Cinderella with Prince Charming!

Yes it was a fantasy steeped in lack of self worth.

I was mirroring what I didn't feel I had within myself.

So look at yourself in the mirror and really ask yourself what makes you wonderful. Build your self worth and your dating circle will open up 50 fold – because you are not looking to fill a void but rather find a girl who is compatible and has all the important traits to make a relationship work.

A healthy relationship is so much much than looks, charm and magical thinking.

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

• Respect



• Trust and support



• Honesty and accountability



• Shared responsibility



• Economic partnership



• Negotiation and fairness



• Non-threatening behavior

[/list]

This really hit home for me. I wanted the hottest girl out there. Wanted every guy to fare in envy. Well guess what... .   I got her, and look what happened. She was an absolute knock out. So much so I enjoyed going out in public no matter where we went simply to watch other men's reactions to her. It made me feel like I was on top of the world. Even though deep down I knew there was something terribly wrong with her it gave me the image that I was "the man!". It made me feel incredible. I guess I really was trying to fill a void inside wasn't I? What void am I trying to fill though clearmind? I'm a good looking guy, I'm happy with my appearance and the way I look. I do not have very much self esteem though... .   Could that be it?

[trevjim]

Will this get better in time? Will I ever meet someone who will make me that alive again (without the BPD) does anyone else feel like this?

Wow Trevjim your GF is hot?

She is the most stunning girl - you are so lucky?

I bet you guys have a great time - how could you not with a girl like that?

How does hearing this make you feel? Feel good?

hit_


Trev, I know where you are at and it does get better.

For the time I was with my ex I felt like I was Cinderella ~ complete with the coach, the coachman, the white horses and a beautiful dress ~ he made me feel worthy ~ I had a man on my arm that was gorgeous and the envy of all. So many people commented on how attractive my ex was – you imagine how that made me feel! Worthy! For a moment.

Ring any bells? Maybe replace Cinderella with Prince Charming!

Yes it was a fantasy steeped in lack of self worth.

I was mirroring what I didn't feel I had within myself.

So look at yourself in the mirror and really ask yourself what makes you wonderful. Build your self worth and your dating circle will open up 50 fold – because you are not looking to fill a void but rather find a girl who is compatible and has all the important traits to make a relationship work.

A healthy relationship is so much much than looks, charm and magical thinking.

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

• Respect



• Trust and support



• Honesty and accountability



• Shared responsibility



• Economic partnership



• Negotiation and fairness



• Non-threatening behavior

[/list]

This really hit home for me. I wanted the hottest girl out there. Wanted every guy to fare in envy. Well guess what... .   I got her, and look what happened. She was an absolute knock out. So much so I enjoyed going out in public no matter where we went simply to watch other men's reactions to her. It made me feel like I was on top of the world. Even though deep down I knew there was something terribly wrong with her it gave me the image that I was "the man!". It made me feel incredible. I guess I really was trying to fill a void inside wasn't I? What void am I trying to fill though clearmind? I'm a good looking guy, I'm happy with my appearance and the way I look. I do not have very much self esteem though... .   Could that be it?

Dave that hits home for me, I too feel I am trying to fill a void and I'm not sure what, again my self esteem is lacking, I think mine comes from a overly strict short tempered father.

[HarmKrakow]

My ex was completely up my alley looks wise, so when we started talking and I realised that she actually had a brain and there was chemistry there I was knocked for 6 – this makes things a lot harder to accept. Im 40 this year so Im no young buck anymore unfortunately, and Im sure my options are diminishing by the day – will I ever meet someone like her again? I very much doubt it ( someone get me a violin ), but Ive always said I would rather live the rest of my life alone than with the wrong person. And looking back on it yeah I guess she was the wrong person.

Btw I have a folder on my laptop full of pictures of her in various states of undress, I have no idea what to do with them hahahahahahaha

That's it, its not just the looks, its the chemistry and intellect etc. I know that it may of been fake, but it still had the effect on me that it would if it was real. Now I've had that I don't know if I can settle for anything less.

You are not going to settle for something less, you are going to settle for something different.

[tailspin]

Dave and Trev,

I think we were all were trying to fill a void... .   but the void associated with receiving validation by being with someone who is hot?  Anytime our worth is tied to something outside of ourselves we are setting ourselves up for failure.  Great job, hot girl, fast car, beautiful house.  But if you lose one of these "things," and your worth is tied to this particular thing, this loss might make you feel like a failure.  But your house is not an extention of you and neither was she.  You may have objectified your partner to an extent.  If so, you can re-examine this now.

Also, part of what we saw in our ex was purely projection on our part.  We saw ourselves in them to a large extent.  If we can recognize our projection for what it is, and are able to see through the smoke and mirrors, we will find that our own reality isn't so bad.

tailspin

[causticdork]

The girl I dated when I was 23 was absolutely super-model hot and amazing in bed.  She was also mean, dishonest, and a chronic cheater.  When we split I thought I'd pretty much peaked in that department and I'd better find someone boring and plain cause I'd never find anyone I was as attracted to as that girl.  I've since dated prettier girls, I've had better sex, and the distance of a year or so was all it took before I felt repulsion in place of desire when I thought of her.  She's still very pretty, but the thought of her touching me turns my stomach.

When I was 27 I got my heart broken HARD.  The sort of heart-break that makes everything that ever hurt before feel like nothing at all.  It took me over a year after the split before I felt normal again and another six months before I wouldn't randomly think of her and start crying like the break-up happened yesterday.  I never had a mental connection with anyone like I did with her, and I know I never will again. Our brains had the same idiosyncrasies and we operated on the same wave-length.  She was also stunningly beautiful. Any time we went anywhere complete strangers would stop to tell her how gorgeous she was.  Again, I thought I'd peaked, but then something weird happened... .    

I got better.  It didn't happen quickly, and sometimes it felt like I was healing backwards, but I did heal. Completely. And with that healing came this new sort of bravery and confidence.  NO ONE could possibly hurt me more than she did.  No one.  Yet I was okay and it didn't hurt anymore and I didn't want her back anymore, and maybe the heart I was so keen to protect all that time was way more resilient than I'd given it credit for.  I didn't learn to love without fear until after I learned that I could survive losing the love of my life.   I've loved since then, and it was better, happier, and more real.  My last relationship sucked at the end (BPD, high-functioning, idealization phase lasted six months) but when it was good I was all in.  And when it became apparent that it would never get better, I left.

I know exactly what you're feeling.  Truth is, you'll probably feel it again.  But it gets so much better if you give it time.  And if you want another super hot girlfriend then you need to make yourself just as hot of a commodity.  Get an education or work on your career or volunteer or go to the gym or something.  When you start to feel like those girls aren't out of your league you'll feel a lot better about future prospects.  Promise.

[trevjim]

Tailspin thank you, I'm really going to look hard at myself, I've worked on my self esteem and I'm going to look into my part in projection and see where that stems from.

Causticdork, thank you, that gives me great hope and I can totally relate to how you describe your heartbreak. You've made me realise that I've been looking at her as an object and almost as if hot girls are a trophy for this macho competition I was in, life is so much more than that.

[Hurt llama]

Tailspin thank you, I'm really going to look hard at myself, I've worked on my self esteem and I'm going to look into my part in projection and see where that stems from.

Causticdork, thank you, that gives me great hope and I can totally relate to how you describe your heartbreak. You've made me realise that I've been looking at her as an object and almost as if hot girls are a trophy for this macho competition I was in, life is so much more than that.

big +1 for that. great posts in this thread.