Hi Workingthrough and a warm welcome to the group. You're with others who understand how difficult it is to cope with BPD behaviors in a relationship.
One of the first things that came to my mind is that it's good you can recognize you've been in an abusive relationship. That can sometimes be a hard thing to identify, so you're doing something positive by seeing what is really going on.
I hear you that you're not looking to reverse a breakup, and are more interested in learning about BPD traits and behaviors to help you move on. Fortunately, the tools here that can help make a relationship better (like our
crisis management section, can also help you to "turn down the heat" as you prepare your exit.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim tries to leave, so having a safety plan and a danger assessment can help you figure out how to take care of yourself and what threats you should pay attention to.
We have a
Safety First checklist (you may need to scroll to the middle of it to find the part relevant to you). Also, the
MOSAIC Threat Assessment (click the button for "Domestic Violence: Female Offender") can be a helpful neutral set of eyes on your risk level.
Let us know your thoughts on those links -- could be a good place to start.
Have you reached out to any local resources yet?
And how old are your kids?
Let's start there and make sure you and the kids are OK, and then we can look at some more "why is she doing that" info. Sound good?