He blocked me after l asked for space - will he come back?

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello!

This is my first post here and l hope someone can help me deciding what to do in my situation!

I've been in a 1-year long distance relationship with a guy who is suffering borderline.
He broke up with me 7 months ago because he was feeling unimportant and abandoned because l had plans without him on a day he wanted to spend with me.

I was begging him to come back for almost half a year... .crying everyday, being really desperate. He still texted me everyday and answered maybe we can work things out again because we still love each other... .until he SUDDENLY had a new girlfriend!

After she has left him, he came back talking to me everyday again... .he still was unsure about getting back together but we planned seeing each other in 2 months to figure things out between us. He often took long to reply and ignored me for several hours although he's been active on social media... .l didn't say anything, acted like a good friend and just accepted his behaviour... .thought if l keep crying things will only get worse.

Then he told me he had a date next week, but we'll see each other still. I answered that l needed space so l can move on as well... .that l won't talk to him a few days.
First he said that's okay, he understands... .but when he has seen me on social media he flipped on me for ignoring him (he didn't even ask a question in his last message and he did this to me everyday!). Again l told him l needed space. I'm doing this so l can be a good friend for him in the future. He said he needed me now and that I'm selfish like always. I said I'll be back when I'm ready... .he said he doesn't need someone like me in his life and blocked me... .

My plan was staying no contact for a while so l can heal and enjoy being around him again as a stronger person... .make him miss me maybe so he gives us another chance as a couple... .

I see he has splitted me black now for feeling abandoned although l told him I'll be back when I'm ready and we'll definitely see each other in 2 months... .

Should l stay out of touch or is a heartfelt apology the only thing that can bring him back now? I love him more than anything. Didn't wanna hurt him with leaving, but that he's seeing other girls again although he says he still has feelings for me and kept my hopes up really hurt me too and l thought some space would be good for us both... .

I really don't wanna lose him!

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[NGU]

Hi FaithfulInLove. Glad you're here.

Sounds like this has been pretty chaotic, especially the last month or two.

I'm going over what you wrote and mentally piecing together the timeline. When you say it has been a 1-year relationship, is that 5 months on/7 off, or 12 months on/7 off?

The following is what stuck out to me, before I got to the part where you said he blocked you:

He often took long to reply and ignored me for several hours although he's been active on social media... .

First he said that's okay, he understands... .but when he has seen me on social media he flipped on me for ignoring him

Before you make a decision on what to do next, it might be helpful to ask yourself: How much has social media been a factor in the current level of tension between you?

Focusing on your question of no contact or apology... .
You said you needed space and you'll be back when you're ready. So in a way, you set it up to be the one who makes next contact, correct? Suddenly he blocks you, and it throws a wrench into the works.
Now you have a dilemma: Remain out of contact and risk further upsetting him (possibly validating his decision to block you)... .or contact him earlier than you're comfortable with to apologize, hoping that apology will get you back to a better place than you're at now, or at least supply you with an answer as to whether he has actually given up.

In the past, if you've had to apologize, how has he taken it?

Hope to hear back from you.

-ngu

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello!

Thank you so much for answering and wanting to help! I'm really desperate about the whole thing and hope I'll be getting helpful answers here from people who have more experience with the whole borderline topic.
I really want him back and don't know what to do. Even if it's just a friendship, l don't wanna lose him.

When you say it has been a 1-year relationship, is that 5 months on/7 off, or 12 months on/7 off?

12 months on and 7 off. We have seen each other once since the break up (straight after the break up with his new girlfriend) and spent that day kind of as a couple. He just doesn't want to commit anymore because he says he can't trust me and communication got to a friendship base more and more although he said he still has feelings for me and he does not really know what he wants.
 
In our relationship we often fought about social media because I'm obsessed with a band and it was a problem for him that l'm so interested and kept texting them on there cause it made him feel unimportant to me... .
Seeing that band was the actual break up reason because he wanted to see me on that day and I've been stubborn and said no for once which he sais was selfish. I have apologised in tears a million times since then!

What he is doing now feels like a massive payback although l never did anything to annoy him on purpose, l just went on with my music passion the way he got to know me.
On social media he's talking to other girls for a few months, in public so that l can read it, and he's also mentioning tinder and talking about the date he had! He knew I'd probably be reading all this!

In the past, if you've had to apologize, how has he taken it?

Well, until now we always got back in touch when I've apologised. The last time we fought it took him a few days but he still got back talking to me then.  
But I've never been sure if he could really forgive those issues. He rather just stopped talking about things than talking them out with me. Sometimes he was just back the next day, acting as if nothing ever happened.

This time things are differently because never before l was the one stepping away first, now l am. Just, after 7 months of waiting for his decision l wanted to set a sign by saying l gotta move on if he wants to see other people. But I didn't really mean it, l am still hoping for him to come back. I don't understand why we can't be together if we both still love each other.  

Now I feel like I've been overreacting because actually he told me he's having a date in a nice way.
Still l felt like l gotta react on this somehow so that I'm not his "punching bag" any longer. I've been crying for so long and begging him to come back and l wanted to finally regain some respect by that. So l told him nicely that l won't be taking to him for a few weeks to get my heart away from him as he doesn't seem to be interested in fixing things anymore and that I've been waiting long enough and need to move on myself.
He said he actually doesn't know what he wants but l should do what's best for me - only to tell me the next day that I'm selfish and immature for doing what's best for me!

By the way, we're in our 20s and even wanted to marry before the break up. I got to know his family, he wanted to move to my country (long distance), everything was perfect apart from a few fights, then he broke up because of that one day he felt unimportant on... .

Thank you for trying to help me with my decision!

[FaithfulInLove]

 I'm really panicking right now as he's posting stuff about "her" making him smile "❤"

I don't have a chance as long as his dates are going well, am l right?
Reading his posts hurts me deeply!

Do you have any advice? Staying no contact or reaching out?
 I really still wanna see him soon, the flight and hotel for next month are booked already and I want to make our meet up happen and don't lose him to someone else now. This is so painful!

[CryWolf]

I'm really panicking right now as he's posting stuff about "her" making him smile "❤"

Do you have any advice? Staying no contact or reaching out?
 I really still wanna see him soon, the flight and hotel for next month are booked already and I want to make our meet up happen and don't lose him to someone else now. This is so painful!

I know too well how my ex social media controls my anxiety and my mind starts racing and I think she found someone and is going to ride off into the sunset. Social media is a tool to show people a facade. Speaking from personal experience, you can check out my threads, im still battling what my ex posts on social media and overanalyze.

In my opinion you should go no contact. It will cause him to realize what he is missing. Absense causes anxiety which causes desire. He knows he has you and is exploring his options with this new girl. He can come back to you whenever he wants with no consequences. He talks about his dates openly, knowing you see it. If someone has no respect for you, it will be hard for them to love you. Im sorry about your situation, what are your thoughts about my opinion?

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, CryWolf, for reaching out to me before bed, this will definitely make me sleep better! I'll read your threads tomorrow!

What I'm thinking is that yes, the past 7 months he KNEW that he had me, but actually NOW after l stood up for myself and told him I'll go and take time for myself to move on, although l promised I'll be back when I'm ready, he should already be afraid enough to lose me and say a few nice things to not fully lose me instead of blocking me, or am l wrong?

Maybe this is a test to find out how important he really is to me? For now I'll stay no contact, but I'd love to hear some more opinions. I see how much I've triggered him by ignoring him for a few days before l reached out to explain again. I think right now he doesn't trust me at all!

I was thinking about sending a calm, friendly letter, reminding him of the nice things we had planned for next month - as friends - and that l think it wouldn't be right to throw our friendship away, asking if he's sure that he doesn't need me and if l should cancel our hotel or not? Nothing about getting back together or that I'm upset that he's going on dates.

We've always promised each other to stay friends. Just what I've seen so far is that promises mean NOTHING if he has found a replacement for me... .l hope you understand why my thoughts are spinning! I don't wanna take another wrong step!

I'm thankful for your thoughts on all this! It's difficult to be alone with all this

[CryWolf]

My ex and I promised to stay friends as well if we ever broke up. But when it finally came I told her I couldn’t be friends and wanted romance. It would be lie to see her fall in love with someone else in front of me. I was not going to wait and have my heartbroken. Or manipulate her and court her after agreeing terms of friendship.

[FaithfulInLove]

He is living so far away, the thought of never seeing him again really breaks me. I love him as a person and l remember our good memories. I don't wanna lose him, as my best friend and as my love.

[FaithfulInLove]

I'm just sitting here, writing a nice letter, explaining whole l needed the time away... .anyone there who thinks it'll make things worse?

[Tattered Heart]

Just a reminder that run messages and encouraging members to go no contact is not allowed on the Bettering Board.

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[Tattered Heart]

I'm just sitting here, writing a nice letter, explaining whole l needed the time away... .anyone there who thinks it'll make things worse?

Hi FaithfulInLove,

I'm sorry that you've had so many ups and downs in this relationship. I would not suggest going No Contact as a form of manipulation. Anytime we do behave in a way that is meant to force someone else to respond is not fair to ourselves or to others.

It sounds like there are some pretty high emotions going on. What can you do to move yourself out of the high emotions and into cool, calm behavior?

What is the purpose in writing him a letter? Are you hoping that he will see everything your way and change his mind? We have a communication skill here called Don't JADE . When we try to justify, argue, defend, or explain ourselves to our pwBPD this is often seen as being invalidating to our pwBPD. It usually makes things worse.

Conversation via social media or texting can be confusing. If you feel like you need to talk to him, can you set up a time face to face or on the phone (face to face is better)?

Another thing to consider is that clinginess and neediness can really drive a pwBPD away. It can cause them to feel quite overwhelmed and could end up that if he gets frustrated he may tell you stop talking to him. I would suggest just giving him a little time. If he texts or calls just have a regular conversation with him. Let things work themselves out organically and don't force a conversation about the status of your relationship.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you for your feedback! Unfortunately I've sent away the letter today so l can't make any changes now.

What is the purpose in writing him a letter? Are you hoping that he will see everything your way and change his mind? We have a communication skill here called Don't JADE . When we try to justify, argue, defend, or explain ourselves to our pwBPD this is often seen as being invalidating to our pwBPD. It usually makes things worse.

I'd love to talk to him face to face but we're from different countries and our next meet up was planned for next month. I'm quite sure that in this situation he wouldn't pick up his phone so actually the letter was the best l could think of... .

Now that he sais he doesn't need someone like me in his life I'm scared our meet up won't happen at all if he really meant it. I'm still blocked and didn't talk to him since then... .things look bad!

The letters purpose was saving our friendship and saving our planned holidays. It's a nice one, explaining my behaviour, telling him that l understand it must've hurt him. It's not judgemental at all. I'm telling him he's a free person and that there's nothing wrong with meeting other girls but that l had to take some time for myself to accept it because I've been believing in us so much still. Do you think that is okay? Actually I've tried to explain all this before l left. I'm not sure if repeating myself after some time had passed can help... .

The past two months l really haven't been clingy, only texted when he texted me and took my time to reply, so I've changed what l did so wrong straight after the break up. I'm afraid he doesn't believe me that I'm calmer and actually he's right. I was acting as if l was calm but all the time I've still been crying over him ignoring me. I'm getting a little calmer every day, the no contact phase really helps me to see things clearer.
At the moment l just want to keep him in my life badly. We can keep working on our relationship later. Most important thing for me right now is not losing him and seeing him again - even if it's just as a friend.

I'm not sure if l should tell him there's a letter on its way. It'll take a few days until it arrives. I'd love to show him soon that l still care but I'm so scared of his reaction. That he really doesn't wanna let me back into his life again.
If someone has advice on that I'd be thankful.
My thoughts are still very clingy but l stopped pressuring him.

[FaithfulInLove]

I've sent him a lovely little message this morning, preparing him that there's a letter coming soon... .he didn't react at all until now, although he's online a lot and I'm so scared!

I don't know how to show him that l still care without seeming clingy, needy or confessing that I'm crying over all this so much.
Any advice? I'll keep waiting now until the letter arrives and see if he responds and in what way.

[CryWolf]

I've sent him a lovely little message this morning, preparing him that there's a letter coming soon... .he didn't react at all until now, although he's online a lot and I'm so scared!

I don't know how to show him that l still care without seeming clingy, needy or confessing that I'm crying over all this so much.
Any advice? I'll keep waiting now until the letter arrives and see if he responds and in what way.

I believe you sending the letter and telling him shows you care. its only a matter of how he interprets this. Let him sit with his feelings and digest. I understand how scary it is. I would reach out to my ex and message her and no replies. all the while she is posting on her blog. I felt rejected and abandoned. No one wants to feel this way, yet the BPD fears this/feels this mroe than us. One can only imagine how they internalize.

How did he reach when you told him of the letter?

[FaithfulInLove]

I believe you sending the letter and telling him shows you care. its only a matter of how he interprets this. Let him sit with his feelings and digest. I understand how scary it is. I would reach out to my ex and message her and no replies. all the while she is posting on her blog. I felt rejected and abandoned. No one wants to feel this way, yet the BPD fears this/feels this mroe than us. One can only imagine how they internalize.

How did he reach when you told him of the letter?

Thank you for caring, CryWolf! There are no news, he's completely ignoring me, using social media a lot but not for getting back to me...

As the main question of this thread (if l should reach out to him or not) is solved, I've summed it all up in a new thread about how to go on now and to cope with my feelings while waiting:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323582.0