Saw her in facebook pictures, she looked happy and good

[Reecer1588]

I'm visiting my friend who is friends with my ex on facebook. He just blocked my uBPDexgf on facebook so I can upload pictures on facebook with him if i want to.

Before he blocked her though, I was able to catch a glimpse of some

Of her FB pictures that because I'm not friends with her on FB (actually I have her blocked), I

Myself am not able to see.

She looked pretty, she was smiling and happy. She looked so content and happy and beautiful and she totally eliminated me from her life, the guy she once proclaimed to love so much.

Here is my story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

Guys I don't even know any more if she does have the mental disorder.

Maybe it's really me with the problem.

I miss her so much guys.

Every day.

I think still love her even though it's been 3 weeks since we last talked.

And she threatened to file a harrassment lawsuit on me if I contact her in any way.

I pray every day to God above that she will contact me, but As time goes On, and after I caught a glimpse of her happy pictures, she looks so happy without me.

Is she really so happy after everything that happened? Is she so glad and content that she eliminated me in a brutal way from her life? It so seems that way to me.

How can she go on like this and look so happy while I'm miserable and depressed without her?

It makes me think she will never ever reach out to me again. That I will never get to talk to her again. Makes me think she's really moved on from me. Which hurts me soo much, because I know I'm not over her.

[Flameheart]

That's sort of a BPD coping mechanism on her part. It's weird, but they tend to grieve the relationship in reverse, if you get me. When you finally get over it and detach, it'll start fully hitting her emotionally. She'll either try to reconnect, or she'll keep that pain bottled up inside while playing up a faux image of positivity to others. They grieve the relationship in mysterious ways, but for her to move on so quickly shows a lot of internal problems that she'll inevitably have to face when she's alone.

[Reecer1588]

That's sort of a BPD coping mechanism on her part. It's weird, but they tend to grieve the relationship in reverse, if you get me. When you finally get over it and detach, it'll start fully hitting her emotionally. She'll either try to reconnect, or she'll keep that pain bottled up inside while playing up a faux image of positivity to others. They grieve the relationship in mysterious ways, but for her to move on so quickly shows a lot of internal problems that she'll inevitably have to face when she's alone.

I have never heard about "grieving in reverse", could you go into more detail about this subject? I would really appreciate it. And if you have any sort of like online material i could read about it.

It's strange though... .My friend mentioned to me that weeks ago she told him that she HAD been seeing a therapist about the situation. Hard to say though whether that's a sign of anythig, do you guys think that that is a sign of anything?

[Reecer1588]

If anyone has any more stuff to say about signs of her BPD from her coping mechanisms, what I should expect from her in the future (if anything) or anything related to what I wrote about. I'd appreciate it.

In general I'm really interested in BPD coping mechanisms, especially the whole notion of "reverse grieving"

[Flameheart]

That's sort of a BPD coping mechanism on her part. It's weird, but they tend to grieve the relationship in reverse, if you get me. When you finally get over it and detach, it'll start fully hitting her emotionally. She'll either try to reconnect, or she'll keep that pain bottled up inside while playing up a faux image of positivity to others. They grieve the relationship in mysterious ways, but for her to move on so quickly shows a lot of internal problems that she'll inevitably have to face when she's alone.

I have never heard about "grieving in reverse", could you go into more detail about this subject? I would really appreciate it. And if you have any sort of like online material i could read about it.

It's strange though... .My friend mentioned to me that weeks ago she told him that she HAD been seeing a therapist about the situation. Hard to say though whether that's a sign of anythig, do you guys think that that is a sign of anything?

At least going by my BPDex, she tended to do things in that manner. For instance, she'd block me off or shut me out of her life until she was able to deal with whatever issue we had going on at the time. She'd impulsively go out with her friends and her ex-boyfriend and wouldn't talk to me for at least two weeks before she was able to face the situation. Some BPDs are wired to the point where at least outwardly, she'll act like nothing is wrong at all, but inside they're torn up about it. What they do is suppress their emotions and do everything they can to avoid that situation until they feel that they're emotionally capable of handling it, and even then, they still might avoid fully talking about it. In a way, when they suppress their emotions like this, it's an emotional act of defense in itself. In my BPDex's case, she would shut down emotionally when she thought I was mad at her (when I really wasn't, I had just wanted to talk to her about where we stood calmly), even with all of the logic I tried applying to the situation (honestly, what works logically with others doesn't always work with those with BPD). My BPDex is currently doing the same things your BPDex is doing (posting pics of how happy she is with her ex/now current boyfriend, etc.), but on the inside, she's got tremendous anxiety and emotional issues that she simply can't deal with when it comes to her loved ones. Sometimes they'll go to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants like mine did, or they'll go to a therapist (like yours is doing apparently), but it might be days, weeks, and months before the aftermath of the break-up usually hits them.

That's why I say that this hits them the most after a break-up or when they're alone with nothing but their private thoughts. It's why they tend to latch on to others impulsively to keep their fear of abandonment at bay. Here are a few good articles explaining it:

www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/loving-someone-with-BPD-inhibited-grieving.html

www.borderlinepersonality.ca/borderinhibitgrief.htm

[raisins3142]

All you know is she looked happy when a picture was snapped.  She might've been faking it, only happy for that instant, or selected the photo among many that represent what she wants to put out there.  So, it means little.

My ex looks the same in every picture (fake smile).  I saw a picture taken days after I left her.  She was visiting friends, so maybe was happy, but I know she was upset overall.  She looked really happy, if you did not know that she looks the same in every photo.

[Reecer1588]

Really appreciate the insight 

I like hearing the personal stories a lot. It's always amazing to me how much y'all relate to me, no matter what about her I mention.

I also like hearing the analysis.

1. So might it be months before our bad breakup fully affects her emotionally like it is me?

2. When she finally does fully emotionally feeling what I feel now, is it likely then that she'll reach out to me?

3. Thank you all for your responses

[Flameheart]

Really appreciate the insight 

I like hearing the personal stories a lot. It's always amazing to me how much y'all relate to me, no matter what about her I mention.

I also like hearing the analysis.

1. So might it be months before our bad breakup fully affects her emotionally like it is me?

2. When she finally does fully emotionally feeling what I feel now, is it likely then that she'll reach out to me?

3. Thank you all for your responses

1) Yeah. There's really no set time table for this; sometimes it'll take days, weeks, months, or even years. It all really depends on the person and how much they might paint you black, or if they have some type of regret.  I feel that my BPDex was more or less torn between choosing me and her ex-boyfriend, so she felt a lot of guilt when I confronted her about it, and she seemed torn up about it to the point that she stopped talking to me to avoid returning to what she thought would be drama (as I told her, she had to have expected it after she kept as many secrets as she did from me). It took her a lot to apologize, and while I'd always take her back or be so torn up that I'd beg for her to come back (this mainly when she gave me the silent treatment), she never really stayed consistent to her word. I'd always end up getting the coldness/silent treatment/emotional discard thing, and that's when I realized I had to finally end things. She messaged me four days after I told her goodbye telling me "happy new year," which I believe was her realizing that things were over or it was a last ditch attempt to see if I'd come back to her. In my case, I don't believe that her actions were done with the direct intention to hurt me; it was just in her nature/upbringing. She was molded into what she is, and I don't hold ill will towards her. She is a confused girl with low self-esteem, and I don't know if she'll ever find *true* happiness. Things were becoming emotionally stressful for me with the constant push/pull, and I had to gain the strength to end the cycle. Not only for myself, but for her as well, in some faint hope that she'll realize that she needs help. She hasn't messaged me since that last e-mail, and I don't know if she will (it's been 3 months so far), but I'm expecting that once she's done with her ex-boyfriend, she'll try to re-initiate contact as she's done in the past.

2) There's no way to tell. It all depends on her state of mind at the time, if there's anyone available for her to latch on to, etc. You may or may not get a message back, but the most important thing is to maintain NC to heal and focus on yourself, so that if the day ever comes where she attempts to re-initiate contact, you'll have the emotional strength to detach without worry. And if you feel like you're still attached, you should still keep up the NC. NC gives you the clarity you need to gain true enlightenment about your situation, hence why you're seeking answers. You'll probably have so many questions running through your mind about what she's thinking right now, but it's all about giving yourself the closure that you need to move on with your life. Appreciate the good times you had with your ex, but always remember why the relationship ended so that you know that you deserve to be in a happy relationship where you and your significant other can mutually reciprocate each other's needs without walking on eggshells constantly.

3) No problem!

[hope2727]

IF its any comfort I look happy in my Facebook post too and I assure you I have not been. I am starting to be now but in truth I posted in my darkest days and tried hard to look happy. Friends eve commented how happy I looked. So appearances aren't everything.

[Reecer1588]

Yeah i mean it's just so hard for me to accept the fact that part of me feels so broken as a human being, and I want her back so much

And she just seems so happy that I'm ELIMINATED

It's been 3 weeks now, and she Still refuses to say a word to me. She completely acts like she is just doing so well.

And it hurts guys.

[eeks]

I can't read her mind, but based on what I have learned about pwBPD, these people are not "happy and moving on with their lives" after a breakup.  Or at least, they aren't doing so the way we imagine a person without a personality disorder might.

It took me a while to really grasp what "lacking a stable sense of self" meant.  What do you mean, not having a sense of self?  Isn't everybody a "self"?

I just posted a link to this video that helped me understand.  Watch it, I think it might help you.  www.dianepooleheller.com/2015/01/video-4/

Your feelings of missing her and loving her are real, and the fact that she has a disorder doesn't mean her actions didn't hurt you deeply.  However, I think that understanding the tragic nature of this disorder will help you feel less of an urge to blame either yourself or her.  

You are correct to acknowledge that you can't diagnose her, but what counts are the behaviours and their impact on you.  In my case, it was simply reading, reading reading different people's accounts of the behaviours and patterns of a relationship with a pwBPD, and although my uBPD ex was, I think, higher functioning than some people described on this site... .the similarities were striking.  

Right down to the little details of the things he did, like after our relationship had been over for about a month and a half, but there was still the push/pull going on (I was at a low point in my life feeling pretty isolated and had asked to "stay friends"... .hindsight is 20/20).  He sends me a text msg hinting that he wants to end communication with me (I forget what it was, something like "let's just leave this be", but a week later I get a text asking "How are you?"  Huh?  I replied "I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore.  I will be honest, I still had feelings for you, nothing has changed there, but we have been 'over' for some time now, and I decided it was time I acknowledge that and move on." I forget what exchanged after that but after a few msgs he says something like, he just wanted to ask how I was, he didn't want all this stuff brought up and "thrown at him" again!  

Well, it turns out that other pwBPD do the "how are you" text after 1-2 weeks of no communication, and it's not actually to ask how you are, but to test the waters as to whether you want to resume the relationship!  Unbelievable!  It's almost as though they follow a script.  So his reaction which had seemed completely bizarre to me... .like you want to ask how I'm doing but control what I say after that, and you're getting upset that I'm moving on when it's you who dumped me?... .there is now a possible explanation for his motivations that, while I can't know for sure if it's true, seems more consistent with his reaction.

So yep, it's about the behaviours.  Also reading this section on a site that hope2727 posted a link to (thanks! so informative and specific) www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/subtle_control.html  - if a person is using these control strategies, doesn't matter what disorder they do or don't have, conflict resolution is inhibited and intimacy is undermined.

Something I have read in these discussion forums in response to people like you wondering "how can she dump me so unexpectedly/cruelly and move on like nothing happened while I am feeling completely devastated?" is that when we get "broken" by our relationship with a pwBPD, unlike them, we have the ability to put ourselves back together in a healthier way than we were before.  They might "look better than we do" right now, but in the long run, they're not better off.  In order to get better they would require a solid commitment to effective psychotherapy on the order of years, and even then there is no guarantee.  Again, none of this is intended as a criticism of the pwBPD, it's a tragic condition.

[nowwhatz]

Reecer you are definelty not the one with the disorder.  I have felt the same way at times and they often have a way of making us feel like we are the crazy one.

We are in pain which is normal after any breakup... .with a BPD person or not... .if we truly loved and cared for the ex partner.  With a BPD person it is so much worse.

A lot of people use facebook to feel better. I changed my profile pic today (took a really good selfie for the first time ever... .I know narcissistic those selfies )  and posted it on facebook along with a slightly arrogant comment on how nice the pic was.

I have been getting compliments (fake or not) all day today and frankly it is a welcome diversion to the pain.

I look rediculously happy in the pic am am obvously not so this is a good example of how FB works.

Unlike you my exgf is not blocked right now but unfriended.  I am trying very hard not to look at her profile but am glad I did a few days ago because it helped hammer it home to me what kind of person she it  (she is 44 and had sex with a 26 yr old guy last week and then two different guys).

For cultural and business reasons I don't want to block her right now but you did the right thing by blocking your exgf.  

It has only been a week for me  but I am finally starting to feel a little better. Finally... .but so far from being recovered.

Hang in there !  You are not alone!

[sirensong65]

Well, I can tell you once I got out of the fog, I saw his pictures with the NEW soulmate and I could FINALLY see that blank, empty stare that I never noticed before.  He is barren of any emotion.  And the eyes tell it.  They are windows to the soul, and baby he hasn't got one.  A shell of s human being running around out there breaking hearts with his ever so convincing act of falling head over heels like never before.  When in reality, we all stood in that line with our  paper number like customers at the deli... .it meant nothing.

Look, we ALL question if maybe it was us and they never really had the problem. But, I can tell you I never experienced a relationship OR break up like this in my entire life.  That tells me plenty, especially since I spoke to the exes before me and they tell the EXACT SAME STORY.  What do we all have in common... .  HIM.

And the only sign I needed to make it official was recently, when his latest victim was blogging very publically every detail, blow by blow of their very fragile and emotional roller coaster of a relationship where he is shoving his fist through her walls, lots of storming out, break ups, make ups and as she put it... ."I have never cried so much... .".  Pretty strong statement considering they have been together a whooping 4 months.  Good luck with that mess, honey.

Look, my guy ALWAYS smiles in the pictures, and with this latest hot mess he is seeing, they were going EVERYWHERE and taking pictures of it all... I was waiting for bowel movement photos... .seriously, it was a bit much.  But, look at the bleak reality... .they are a freaking mess.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my life is calm and on track.  Wouldn't go back if you paid me... .and I could use the money!   

[caughtnreleased]

IF its any comfort I look happy in my Facebook post too and I assure you I have not been. I am starting to be now but in truth I posted in my darkest days and tried hard to look happy. Friends eve commented how happy I looked. So appearances aren't everything.

I've learned enough these days to not be fooled.  When I see someone start to change their profile pictures on a regular basis, start to brag about things they are doing, etc... .I think to myself: uh oh, this person is going through something and is compensating for it on facebook.  It's funny but I find that a lot of the time, those who are most miserable, are also those who are trying so hard to maintain some kind of image/illusion of themselves.  I also say this from my own experience, where the year I most changed my profile pictures on facebook was the immediate aftermath of my breakup with my BPDex.  I hated facebook then.  Now I'm better, I'm much more grounded, and I don't care so much about what I see of peopel's personal lives on facebook. 

[jhkbuzz]

Yeah i mean it's just so hard for me to accept the fact that part of me feels so broken as a human being, and I want her back so much

And she just seems so happy that I'm ELIMINATED

It's been 3 weeks now, and she Still refuses to say a word to me. She completely acts like she is just doing so well.

And it hurts guys.

This is the story you're telling yourself ("I'm so miserable and she's so happy to be without me." You can choose to stop telling yourself this story (difficult though I know it is). It is more than likely UNTRUE and it just makes you miserable.

[Reecer1588]

Yeah i mean it's just so hard for me to accept the fact that part of me feels so broken as a human being, and I want her back so much

And she just seems so happy that I'm ELIMINATED

It's been 3 weeks now, and she Still refuses to say a word to me. She completely acts like she is just doing so well.

And it hurts guys.

This is the story you're telling yourself ("I'm so miserable and she's so happy to be without me." You can choose to stop telling yourself this story (difficult though I know it is). It is more than likely UNTRUE and it just makes you miserable.

I'm just going to quote from my exgf

"I'm so glad that I decided to eliminate you from my life."

That was a little while before she broke contact with me.

Now it's been weeks.

So from all I can tell IT IS TRUE.

I grieve and grieve and pray to get her back, and she is content without me, with having discarded me like yesterday's trash.

[jhkbuzz]

Yeah i mean it's just so hard for me to accept the fact that part of me feels so broken as a human being, and I want her back so much

And she just seems so happy that I'm ELIMINATED

It's been 3 weeks now, and she Still refuses to say a word to me. She completely acts like she is just doing so well.

And it hurts guys.

This is the story you're telling yourself ("I'm so miserable and she's so happy to be without me." You can choose to stop telling yourself this story (difficult though I know it is). It is more than likely UNTRUE and it just makes you miserable.

I'm just going to quote from my exgf

"I'm so glad that I decided to eliminate you from my life."

That was a little while before she broke contact with me.

Now it's been weeks.

So from all I can tell IT IS TRUE.

I grieve and grieve and pray to get her back, and she is content without me, with having discarded me like yesterday's trash.

She said it to hurt you - and for no other reason.  It definitely worked.

People with BPD are very good at dissociating (cutting off their painful emotions) when they are feeling overwhelmed.  It's a survival strategy, probably learned in childhood. It is also disconcerting to us - when my ex did it, it crushed me.  I now see for what it is, and I wish I would have understood it earlier.

Look up Jeffrey Young's Schema Therapy, and the associated "Schema Modes".  "Schema Modes are the moment-to-moment emotional states and coping responses that we all experience.  Often our schema modes are triggered by life situations that we are oversensitive to (our "emotional buttons".  Many schema modes lead us to overreact to situations, or to act in ways that end up hurting us." There are a number of schema modes - including that of the detached protector:

Detached Protector : cuts off needs and feelings; detaches emotionally from people and rejects their help; feels withdrawn, spacey, distracted, disconnected, depersonalized, empty or bored; pursues distracting,  self-soothing,  or self-stimulating activities in a compulsive way or to excess; may adopt a cynical, aloof or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people or activities.

www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm

[Reecer1588]

Yeah i mean it's just so hard for me to accept the fact that part of me feels so broken as a human being, and I want her back so much

And she just seems so happy that I'm ELIMINATED

It's been 3 weeks now, and she Still refuses to say a word to me. She completely acts like she is just doing so well.

And it hurts guys.

This is the story you're telling yourself ("I'm so miserable and she's so happy to be without me." You can choose to stop telling yourself this story (difficult though I know it is). It is more than likely UNTRUE and it just makes you miserable.

I'm just going to quote from my exgf

"I'm so glad that I decided to eliminate you from my life."

That was a little while before she broke contact with me.

Now it's been weeks.

So from all I can tell IT IS TRUE.

I grieve and grieve and pray to get her back, and she is content without me, with having discarded me like yesterday's trash.

She said it to hurt you - and for no other reason.  It definitely worked.

People with BPD are very good at dissociating (cutting off their painful emotions) when they are feeling overwhelmed.  It's a survival strategy, probably learned in childhood. It is also disconcerting to us - when my ex did it, it crushed me.  I now see for what it is, and I wish I would have understood it earlier.

Look up Jeffrey Young's Schema Therapy, and the associated "Schema Modes".  "Schema Modes are the moment-to-moment emotional states and coping responses that we all experience.  Often our schema modes are triggered by life situations that we are oversensitive to (our "emotional buttons".  Many schema modes lead us to overreact to situations, or to act in ways that end up hurting us." There are a number of schema modes - including that of the detached protector:

Detached Protector : cuts off needs and feelings; detaches emotionally from people and rejects their help; feels withdrawn, spacey, distracted, disconnected, depersonalized, empty or bored; pursues distracting,  self-soothing,  or self-stimulating activities in a compulsive way or to excess; may adopt a cynical, aloof or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people or activities.

www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm

Thank you for an educated, insightful response.

Extending this theme further, if  "detached protector" was her schema towards the very end, as she was proclaiming how glad she was she had eliminated me

what sort of schema could it have been only a day or two earlier, when she wrote page after page of "you're clingy, overbearing, you belittle me, you disrespect me, etc." page after page of her just straight up using negative adjective after negative adjective over text message.

[jhkbuzz]

Yeah i mean it's just so hard for me to accept the fact that part of me feels so broken as a human being, and I want her back so much

And she just seems so happy that I'm ELIMINATED

It's been 3 weeks now, and she Still refuses to say a word to me. She completely acts like she is just doing so well.

And it hurts guys.

This is the story you're telling yourself ("I'm so miserable and she's so happy to be without me." You can choose to stop telling yourself this story (difficult though I know it is). It is more than likely UNTRUE and it just makes you miserable.

I'm just going to quote from my exgf

"I'm so glad that I decided to eliminate you from my life."

That was a little while before she broke contact with me.

Now it's been weeks.

So from all I can tell IT IS TRUE.

I grieve and grieve and pray to get her back, and she is content without me, with having discarded me like yesterday's trash.

She said it to hurt you - and for no other reason.  It definitely worked.

People with BPD are very good at dissociating (cutting off their painful emotions) when they are feeling overwhelmed.  It's a survival strategy, probably learned in childhood. It is also disconcerting to us - when my ex did it, it crushed me.  I now see for what it is, and I wish I would have understood it earlier.

Look up Jeffrey Young's Schema Therapy, and the associated "Schema Modes".  "Schema Modes are the moment-to-moment emotional states and coping responses that we all experience.  Often our schema modes are triggered by life situations that we are oversensitive to (our "emotional buttons".  Many schema modes lead us to overreact to situations, or to act in ways that end up hurting us." There are a number of schema modes - including that of the detached protector:

Detached Protector : cuts off needs and feelings; detaches emotionally from people and rejects their help; feels withdrawn, spacey, distracted, disconnected, depersonalized, empty or bored; pursues distracting,  self-soothing,  or self-stimulating activities in a compulsive way or to excess; may adopt a cynical, aloof or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people or activities.

www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm

Thank you for an educated, insightful response.

Extending this theme further, if  "detached protector" was her schema towards the very end, as she was proclaiming how glad she was she had eliminated me

what sort of schema could it have been only a day or two earlier, when she wrote page after page of "you're clingy, overbearing, you belittle me, you disrespect me, etc." page after page of her just straight up using negative adjective after negative adjective over text message.

Go to the link : www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm  and look at "schema modes" - perhaps you will recognize some.  I saw the vulnerable child, the angry child, the impulsive child, the compliant surrenderer, the detached protector and the punitive parent in my ex.

To extend it further:  I saw the vulnerable child and the compliant surrenderer, and probably a little of the detached protector in the first several years of my r/s.  The punitive parent was also present but not directed at me in the beginning - she always turned it on herself.

In the last several years of the r/s the angry child and impulsive child appeared - and my head began to spin.  This was when the lying and cheating started.  The detached protector made more frequent appearances.  And the "punitive parent" voice began to be directed outward - at me.

[Reecer1588]

Yeah i mean it's just so hard for me to accept the fact that part of me feels so broken as a human being, and I want her back so much

And she just seems so happy that I'm ELIMINATED

It's been 3 weeks now, and she Still refuses to say a word to me. She completely acts like she is just doing so well.

And it hurts guys.

This is the story you're telling yourself ("I'm so miserable and she's so happy to be without me." You can choose to stop telling yourself this story (difficult though I know it is). It is more than likely UNTRUE and it just makes you miserable.

I'm just going to quote from my exgf

"I'm so glad that I decided to eliminate you from my life."

That was a little while before she broke contact with me.

Now it's been weeks.

So from all I can tell IT IS TRUE.

I grieve and grieve and pray to get her back, and she is content without me, with having discarded me like yesterday's trash.

She said it to hurt you - and for no other reason.  It definitely worked.

People with BPD are very good at dissociating (cutting off their painful emotions) when they are feeling overwhelmed.  It's a survival strategy, probably learned in childhood. It is also disconcerting to us - when my ex did it, it crushed me.  I now see for what it is, and I wish I would have understood it earlier.

Look up Jeffrey Young's Schema Therapy, and the associated "Schema Modes".  "Schema Modes are the moment-to-moment emotional states and coping responses that we all experience.  Often our schema modes are triggered by life situations that we are oversensitive to (our "emotional buttons".  Many schema modes lead us to overreact to situations, or to act in ways that end up hurting us." There are a number of schema modes - including that of the detached protector:

Detached Protector : cuts off needs and feelings; detaches emotionally from people and rejects their help; feels withdrawn, spacey, distracted, disconnected, depersonalized, empty or bored; pursues distracting,  self-soothing,  or self-stimulating activities in a compulsive way or to excess; may adopt a cynical, aloof or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people or activities.

www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm

Thank you for an educated, insightful response.

Extending this theme further, if  "detached protector" was her schema towards the very end, as she was proclaiming how glad she was she had eliminated me

what sort of schema could it have been only a day or two earlier, when she wrote page after page of "you're clingy, overbearing, you belittle me, you disrespect me, etc." page after page of her just straight up using negative adjective after negative adjective over text message.

Go to the link : www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm  and look at "schema modes" - perhaps you will recognize some.  I saw the vulnerable child, the angry child, the impulsive child, the compliant surrenderer, the detached protector and the punitive parent in my ex.

To extend it further:  I saw the vulnerable child and the compliant surrenderer, and probably a little of the detached protector in the first several years of my r/s.  The punitive parent was also present but not directed at me in the beginning - she always turned it on herself.

In the last several years of the r/s the angry child and impulsive child appeared - and my head began to spin.  This was when the lying and cheating started.  The detached protector made more frequent appearances.  And the "punitive parent" voice began to be directed outward - at me.

Appreciate it. Yeah, she even told me that she feels ":)etached", pretty self-aware, even though she said it to hurt me.

[.cup.car]

IF its any comfort I look happy in my Facebook post too and I assure you I have not been. I am starting to be now but in truth I posted in my darkest days and tried hard to look happy. Friends eve commented how happy I looked. So appearances aren't everything.

This.

[StarOfTheSea]

Well, I can tell you once I got out of the fog, I saw his pictures with the NEW soulmate and I could FINALLY see that blank, empty stare that I never noticed before.  He is barren of any emotion.  And the eyes tell it.  They are windows to the soul, and baby he hasn't got one.  A shell of s human being running around out there breaking hearts with his ever so convincing act of falling head over heels like never before.  When in reality, we all stood in that line with our  paper number like customers at the deli... .it meant nothing.

Look, we ALL question if maybe it was us and they never really had the problem. But, I can tell you I never experienced a relationship OR break up like this in my entire life.  That tells me plenty, especially since I spoke to the exes before me and they tell the EXACT SAME STORY.  What do we all have in common... .  HIM.

And the only sign I needed to make it official was recently, when his latest victim was blogging very publically every detail, blow by blow of their very fragile and emotional roller coaster of a relationship where he is shoving his fist through her walls, lots of storming out, break ups, make ups and as she put it... ."I have never cried so much... .".  Pretty strong statement considering they have been together a whooping 4 months.  Good luck with that mess, honey.

Look, my guy ALWAYS smiles in the pictures, and with this latest hot mess he is seeing, they were going EVERYWHERE and taking pictures of it all... I was waiting for bowel movement photos... .seriously, it was a bit much.  But, look at the bleak reality... .they are a freaking mess.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my life is calm and on track.  Wouldn't go back if you paid me... .and I could use the money!   

Siren, you are so right on about the eyes! I saw pics of my exBPDbf last week flaunting his new engagement ( a whole six weeks after our break up ) and the look in his eyes was chilling. I even compared it with a pic of us taken months ago and he looks like a different person. In our pic he looked genuinely happy and relaxed, in the recent pic he looks like he's teetering on the edge. Even in the pictures before his ridiculous engagement pic his smile is very fake and tense. I know life inside his mind must be hell. And he deserves it.

[Climbmountains91]

I saw pics of my ex last week with photos his tagged in with friends pulling faces and smiling. I was really torn up about it but i should remember he really is a lonely, messed up individual and that he's never happy really and i mean, never! He wasn't happy in those photos truly. He's way of coping is making people laugh because i must say he is really good at that and that gives him a boost but it doesn't last very long at all.

Its even hard to keep telling myself that sometimes when i see how happy he looks and whatever in those photos but i know what his reality is really. Its sad.

[Reecer1588]

Starofthesea... .I would stay away fron the "and he deserves it" statement. These people are mentally ill, deserving of our prayers and care, not "he deserves it" mentality. And this is really hard for me to write, because I'm 19 years old and I feel deeply in love with my uBPDexgf, my high school sweetheart, and she betrayed me! But "he/she deserves it" i think isn't a good way to think about it.

[Hostage1234]

I feel your pain it's almost been two years for me we have a son but there's days when I just want to express and ask her what happend to us but I know I will just get silence.its always on there time when it was happening to us it was like she could not stop it I saw that she loved me but it was to powerfull to beat.