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Author Topic: She is trying to ruin my life  (Read 460 times)
Reecer1588
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« on: February 22, 2015, 03:24:55 PM »

Hi guys, I'm 19 years old, I come from a loving family, and a high class background. I got into a prestigious college. Life would seem to be good for me, right? Well, in a lot of ways I'm a confident young man, but when it comes to girls, I have low self-esteem, and I feel like that has a lot to do with why I got into a relationship back in high school with a girl whose BPD nearly ruined my life.

It's been 16 days since our last contact. She goes to another school about 3 hours away. We went to the same high school.

My relationship with her lasted for about 1 year. I was the first one to break up with her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, she was my high-school sweetheart, I loved her so much, she was my first real relationship. But she was your classic BPD, even though I didn't know it at the time. Of the 9 major signs, she has about 6 of them. I broke up with her because I was texting her every single day, we talked about sex every single day, it was taking over my life. She didn't want me to go out with my friends, she openly told me that she didn't my family, especially my sister who I love very much. She guilt tripped me every time I told her I was going out to a frat party, or even just to hang out with friends. I felt like she was choking the life out of my social life, she was distancing me from my friends and my family, everything had to be about her.

She begged me to stay friends with her. She told me that she "understood" why I was breaking up with her, but that she loved me and she couldn't just not be friends with me anymore. God how I wish I would have just ignored her.

Over our winter break, during the second half of December and through all of January, she showed her true colors, and revealed her BPD to me. She started withholding affection from me every time she was upset. She wouldn't let me show affection to her. She started constantly acting cold and indifferent towards me. She would sometimes flip angry at me, then just go back to being cold. Then she would give me the silent treatment. She told me that she felt ":)etached" from me. I'm just going to quote one thing that she texted me (she usually was most hurtful over text):

"I was already trying to figure out how to tell you I don't want to see you anymore

That's why I've been distant sometimes, and that's why I haven't wanted to kiss you

I don't love you anymore

But I cared about you, and  that's why it was hard for me

Thanks for making it easy"

That wasn't all: " But you also rant, complain, and act childish, overbearing, immature and clingy. The things you say that you think are funny are usually now just rude, offensive, or inappropriate. More often than not since the start of this winter break I have felt belittled and disrespected. "

Even after I texted her "This is the worst night of my life", she would just keep going, page after page of those kinds of texts. She was sadistic and cruel. The kinder I was to her, the more detached and cruel she was. I know BPD people are supposed to experience intense emotions, and honestly she often times did, but more or less towards the end she would just act very bored and detached around me, she would even tell me "I still love you but I feel more detached." Which hurt me so much to hear because I tried so hard.

Sh wasn't "breaking up with me" because we were already not bf/gf anymore, what she was doing was breaking me as a person. Imagine getting days worth of those kind of texts. She sent me so very many texts like that. I couldn't understand it. I wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much, and I payed so much attention to her, I would done anything for her.

Anyways, what happened was she tried to hook up with one of my friends by sending him a sweet talking text. OF course I warned him she would do that so he stayed away. After going back to college, and about a week of NC, she had one of her loser guy friends send a bunch of blackmail texts to me from an anonymous number. She had him send a pornographic picture to my mother. And when my mom asked "who is this" his response was "we wish to remain anonymous." My mom was freaked out by it. She had gone after my mother. When I went on to ask her why she did that, and if she knew it was wrong, all she said was " I know it was wrong, but you can't forgive me then go back and accuse me of things!  Goodnight! " She never apologized for anything she did to hurt me or my family. She even went so far as to act like she was concerned that I was going to hurt myself or commit suicide, But she couldn't realize, She was the one doing it to me!

2 weeks later in family she had her mom call my dad and basically it was "she just wanted to convey to y'all that she was concerned about Reecer Like I was the crazy person!



She went to the campus police and accused me of stalking her. Even though I've never been to her school, I have no idea where she lives, none of her friends had ever seen me, etc. But of course I get a phone call from one of their officers, "This is Officer Holiday from school", well needless to say, my parents shut that whole deal down. I'm not a student at school, they don't have any right to be calling me.

Anyways it's been 16 day of NC, because now her and her mom have threatened to file a harassment suit on my if I contact her in any way. So I haven't, and I can't. Even though I'm sure in a court of law all the evidence I could give of her emotionally abusing me and plus sending a 3rd party blackmail text and threat to my mom would get her in trouble, my family doesn't deserve to go through that kind of pain.

It all makes me feel like I'm the crazy person, I'm the stalker, I'm the bad person

I miss her every single day. I wish she would reach out to me. I obsess over her. I don't know what to do.

I'm so glad I found this community.  

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2015, 03:45:27 PM »

I wanted to add a couple of things:

In a very small part of a long text, she briefly stated "... .and I know I have control issues", then of course went on to continue making me feel worse than dirt. Yet that little tiny bit makes me thing part of her knows that she has SOMETHING of a problem, even if she doesn't realize how big of a problem it really is.

Also, I don't know if this is common with BPD: But she seems to have a real lack of understanding of Empathy, just because she was able to continue hurting me even after I would beg her to stop, and she completely ignored a long, loving e-mail I sent to her wherein I logically admitted all of my faults and apologized for them. She honest to God gives me the impression that she just has no sense of empathy, no sense of how much she was hurting/ and continues to hurt me.

And a little more info: I have heard that anti-social disorder is a common co-morbid with BPD. She has about 4 friends in total, and they are all people that are not your typical people. They're mean, have a bunch of problems themselves, etc. I guess they're really the only kind of people who would take her side.

Also, part of me is really hurt because I do believe she is already seeing someone else.

Does the community think that if she really is a pwBPD, will she ever contact me again? Please please please tell me your thoughts on that.
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2015, 04:24:31 PM »

 Welcome

I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. Dealing with someone with BPD can be emotionally exhausting and extremely confusing. And you are correct in that people with BPD lack empathy. Please read the lessons on the right side of this page and keep posting. We know what it's like and we want to offer you a place to share your story and your feelings.   
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2015, 04:50:58 PM »

Hi!

Sorry this is so hard.

Can you explain a bit - not all of this is clear -

~ her mom called your dad to express concern about you? Did your Dad say anything about the porn sent to your mother?

~ how did it come down with the campus police - how did you learn about that.

~ did she have your mom's cell # to send the porn to your mom?  

~ you said she has 6 signs of BPD, which six?

Hang in there.  We'll help you through this.
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« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2015, 06:25:57 PM »

Reecer its been 3 months for me and i still think of my ex but i tell you the fog clears and life is beautiful after a few months. I was together for over 5 years. So your healing should be quicker.

You will learn from this and only have a healthy relationship after this one.

Chin up the worst is over . Don't let her manipulate you and research how to deal with these types.

Good luck and we are here to listen
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2015, 06:32:05 PM »

Hi!

Sorry this is so hard.

Can you explain a bit - not all of this is clear -

~ her mom called your dad to express concern about you? Did your Dad say anything about the porn sent to your mother?

~ how did it come down with the campus police - how did you learn about that.

~ did she have your mom's cell # to send the porn to your mom?  

~ you said she has 6 signs of BPD, which six?

Hang in there.  We'll help you through this.

Sure I would be happy to assist in explaining my situation.

In order to understand what happened to me, I have to be very clear on the chronology.

Jan 9th. She and I were getting done watching a movie "The Maze Runner". For whatever reason, and she admitted this, she had gotten these weird eating patterns wherein she got very, very hungry at night. She also complained often about getting randomly nauseous at night. She also would get "spooked" very easily over the course of december through Jan 14th (When I went back to college), by spooked, I mean she would literally Jump and be frightened if I did something like shut a door too loudly, walked up behind her, etc. We joked about why she was such a scaredy cat, but it come as "off" to me. She also has an incredible fear of being under water. Whenever we would be at pool parties, she wouldn't go underwater. When we went to the beach, she wouldn't go out into the ocean with me.

Back to the story: I was teasing her about taking all of my food. She was really into it, she was really happy and rubbing her yoga pants on me "which i loved" but I guess I teased her too much. She flipped. She became really stone faced and upset. She wouldn't accept my repeated attempts to apologize to her for teasing her. We went back into the movie room. She turned her back to me and started looking at her phone. I sat down, and my blood started to boil. I was so aggravated that she wouldn't just get over it, it really shouldn't have been such a big deal    After a few minutes, I got up almost crying, and said to her "GO HOME, AND DON'T COME BACK", and she quickly turned and said "what's wrong", I was very emotional I said " All I do is kiss your ass ", and that is when she ran out of my house. That was the last time I saw her in person.

Later that night, on Thursday Jan 9th, (the worst night of my life), we started fighting over text. After about 3 or 4 texts, I thought she had blocked my phone number, because her read receipts were off. So I sent her about a page of text. Then she responded with "I turned my read receipts off so you'd think that I blocked your number, but I feel obligated to answer you now." She wouldn't back down. I called her things like "you are evil, manipulative, and sociopathic. You won't listen to anything I have to say." I begged her to stop torturing me, I told her repeatedly that it was already the worst night of my life. To reiterate, she wouldn't stop even after she kept saying "I am *insert f bomb* DONE WITH YOU" She sent me page after page of texts which made me feel like I was worse that the dirt under our feet. I capitulated after a few hours of taking this abuse over text message. After I capitulated to her, she started sending me very short texts, and I asked her why she was doing that, why she wouldn't talk to me, and she replied "I don't want you to think that you have a chance."  

Jan 10-11: I just kept capitulating. And she just kept sending tiny texts. It made me so confused and angry, and emotional and all of it, that she wouldn't talk to me.

Jan 12th, I showed my sister, who has a masters in psychology and speech pathology the entirety of our text message conversation. When she read through it all, She said to me "this girl is manipulative, controlling, and you need to get away from her."

Later that night, after not having texted her for about 3 hours, she sends me some casual texts, this time her read receipts were back on. At exactly 12:04a.m she sends me a message which read "Promise me Something," Then she turned her read receipts off to make me think that she had gone to sleep. At 12:14 I respond with "what" and she didn't reply. At 12:30 am she messages the one person on Earth I asked her not to hook up with when we broke up, a guy who goes to her same college, and my close friend, she messages him with " You were the only person who listened to me when reece broke up with me, thank you" My friend didn't respond to it, I had warned him previously she would go after him to hurt me.

This Response is getting really long, I'm not sure it is supposed to be this long, obviously there's much more to the story, so I'm going to label this "Story: Part 1"
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2015, 11:38:59 PM »

EMAIL NUMBER ONE, SENT ON THE MORNING OF JAN 13TH.

*her name*. Since you told me that you no longer love me and I've made things easy on you, You've made my life a living hell. And you don't seem to care.

So I started to take an interest in "signs of a manipulative partner." Before I go on, I want you to know that I will always love you. You're my first love. I don't blame you for the way that you are, and I really believe that you're a good person on the inside.

So without further ado, I'm going to go on a thorough list of signs that you need some help.

I've taken the time to attach 16 different screenshots of the pages i've read through, but I'm going to go through each of their points in detail, then I'm going to add some of my own.

#1: Trust issues: You hardly trusted me to go out with my ALL male friends. You'd make it completely clear that you didn't even want me to TELL YOU that I was going out with the wolfpack.

#2: Overly Jealous: This wasn't a big issue, but i did always find it peculiar that you wouldn't even let me comment when an ACTRESS who is SUPPOSED TO LOOK THAT WAY was attractive. I understand i'm not the best looking guy out there, and It doesn't bother me if you mentioned that someone is attractive.

#3: Answering to her: One of the major things I think you need to work on: As quoted from the article "you shouldn't always have to find yourself on the defensive, it's no way to live. You shouldn't have to justify your actions to someone else": needless to say, I should have recognized this problem with you a long time ago. "I'm glad you're walking the dog, means you're not playing video games all the time." "I'm going out tonight" - "oh." And let's not lie to ourselves here, sometimes I will express my true feelings to you, but for the majority of our arguments, you dominate them. I'm always at fault when it comes to you, and that ain't right.  

#4: Changing who you are: I totally feel like you demand me to act a certain way, curtail certain jokes, not express my real feelings because I know you're response is just "fine."

#5: PASSIVE AGRESSION. "Fine" "Oh" "Alright" "Ok" "mmmmm" or just plain silence. This is your disposition to get what you want, and what's more: you admit it! And i'm sorry. Saying that you're going to fix it hasn't proven to be enough. You're more passive agressive than you ever used to be. But you act that way because you know it gets to me, but i'll reflect on that later. I cannot stress this enough to you, you are going to undermine every relationship you'll ever have , barring dating a total doormat, if you don't give up this passive agressive behavior.

#6: ( switching to the ehow article ): Mood Swings. Yeah, i get it. You have moods, you have periods which make it totally understandable that you're gonna be moody. I am so glad i read this article because it describes my pain with your mood swings so well: The "SWING" part of it. *her name*, you switch on. A. ___ing. Dime. And i think you know it too. It's not right to do to me, hell, it's not right to do to any human being, it's just wrong. The other night the main reason i yelled at you is because i just kept thinking to myself "she just ___ing turns on me like that, all the time, she's the sweetest girl on earth one moment then she makes me want to scratch my own eyes out: and she doesn't even realize how much that hurts me."

#7: Feedback from your friends and family: *her name* this describes itself. My family could see the kind of anguish you were causing me because as soon as you ___ing left my house unless I thought you were happy I was a ___ing mess. YOU made me a nightmare around my family. That's what your "maturity" i guess you never realized. When you make another human being miserable, you also make everyone around him miserable when you're gone. But i guess you're just too mature to think about that.

#8: Constant Put Downs: Not even gonna comment on this. This is quoted from you:

But you also rant, complain, and act childish, overbearing, immature and clingy. The things you say that you think are funny are usually now just rude, offensive, or inappropriate. More often than not since the start of this winter break I have felt belittled and disrespected.

I don't even really have to add to that. It's one of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me.

What's truly cruel about that message, is that You and I BOTH know I have told you before that Iris Hayes broke up with me saying that I was "clingy"- i told you how terrible it made me feel, but that was your goal wasn't it? God *her name*, You know that if i were not the man I am, you could've made someone feel so bad that they would kill themselves? No. You didn't just want to hurt me. You wanted to take my soul, stomp on it, then take a big ___ on it. You take the time to make sure to call me something that you know is one of the only things that truly gets me. Who the ___ does that?


"I was already trying to figure out how to tell you I don't want to see you anymore

That's why I've been distant sometimes, and that's why I haven't wanted to kiss you

I don't love you anymore

But I cared about you, and  that's why it was hard for me

Thanks for making it easy"

- that's not a message a sane person sends. That's a message that someone sends when they HATE the other person, and they want them to DIE. Probably by suicide. I'm going to say it again, *her name*, you actually took the time to say the buzzwords and phrases that you KNEW would hurt the most, and then even after I was trying to apologize, you just f****** stomped on me. You could have made someone kill themselves. That's how ingeniously cruel your words can be, and WERE.

I have never felt worse in my entire life than I did that night. Even when i told you, "this is the worst night of my life", even when you've already squatted and shat on my face, you offered no consolation.

*her name*,in conclusion, if that is your sense of maturity, I hope to GOD I never find it.



P.S: I am NOT mad at you. I LOVE you in a way you aren't and were never mature enough to understand. I am always going to be here for you, even if that means showing you the truth. I really don't hope you react to this e-mail as an attack on you, it's NOT. i want you to grow as a human being just like I am trying to. And this time, really mean it. *her name* and Love will always be synonymous for me. Maybe one day you'll see that you really don't want a doormat as a boyfriend.


Because even for all the bad stuff i just sent in this e-mail: you have wonderful characteristics to you: and unlike you, i don't want to derail you and then leave you out to dry ( i know, my immaturity )

1: You're very smart. I mean that. It warms me when I think about all the little observations you make about the world around you.

2: You're responsible: you take better care of your dogs than i ever could! It's truly something that touches me.

3: You're funny: Really, you make me laugh!

4: You're drop-dead gorgeous, plain and simple.

Alright i'm going to wrap this up. I want you to know that after writing this, there isn't a bone in my body that's mad at you anymore.

Please, please don't just think this was an attack e-mail. I really want to help you.

You always have my number.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2015, 11:57:15 PM »

EMAIL NUMBER 2, SENT ON JAN 19TH, ONE DAY AFTER SHE HAD HER GUY FRIEND SEND BLACKMAIL TO MY MOM AND HAD HER FRIEND HARASS ME AS WELL FROM AN ANONYMOUS NUMBER.

This isn't a lashing out e-mail, I promise. You don't have to respond to it, worry about it, or figure out what it really means. I'm going to spell it out.

This e-mail is my way of throwing up the white flag. It's not meant to harass you, or anything like that. *her name* even though I know it may seem to the contrary, I am not doing well right now, and after what you had done to me 2 nights ago, it's made it a lot worse. I started realizing that you let another man mock the pictures and videos I know you used to love. That even though you said that "you were done with me", you still took the time to give another man my MOTHER'S NUMBER (who the ___ does that, I mean really, that's ___ed up *her name* anyways you slice it. I hope to God that was more Davids' *her friend who actually sent the blackmail* idea than yours), to try and get me in trouble with my mom. I want you to know if you're goal was to hurt me, job well done. I don't even sleep at night without the use of sleep aids, or just crying myself to sleep. I don't know where you are, I wish I did. I don't know if you honest to God really do hate my guts, or If you're really crying out to make me understand how you really feel, or If honestly I'm Satan himself to you (which is not an exaggeration) , or If you feel like I've made so many transgressions against you and you need vengeance. I don't know anything about you anymore, not even the reality in which you live. I bet right now you're scheming again on how to hurt me, when all I want to do is be your best friend like we used to be.

So here's what this e-mail is: It's a white flag. I'm going to go through everything I think I can remember that made you upset, and I'm going to apologize. That way, if you continue to try and find ways to hurt me, even after I lay myself out there, then I'll know that you really are an evil person at heart. There are no strings attached to this. I have no motive but to wave a flag of surrender. I can't keep playing the mind games with you, I think I'm going to go to counseling services tomorrow anyways. You've succeeded enough at hurting me to make me seek help. The point of this list is to show you that even though according to you, I'm not "emotionally mature", I'm ready to admit my mistakes, I'm ready to accept them, and lay them out there for you. It also should show you that even though you might have thought otherwise, whenever you told me why you were upset with me, I did listen. This list also is not a tacit admittance that I believe you didn't do a lot of seriously ___ed up ___ to me as well, I can't control what you do, so I'm not going to include it. Mature enough, I hope.

#1: Cheating on you: This was one of the single worst decisions of my life. Unequivocally wrong on every level. I will forever be sorry for this.

#2: Not Paying enough attention to your interests: I should have taken more time to understand your hobbies, desires, intentions for the future, past trips, all of it.

#3: Putting Gambling before YOU: This was a big problem I have, and although I do feel I have it behind me, a large part of our relationship was when I was a full blown addict. And so if you ever felt like I put gambling in front of you, I'm sorry.

#4: Making it clear that I didn't like your Mom: Even if she did say things, and I'm sure she said a lot of bad things about me, that isn't under my control. Your mom is who gave birth to you, who gave ME YOU. That should've been the big picture.

#5: Pushing you in the Pool: Sorry for doing that. I know how much you hate being under water, so I shouldn't have done that.

#6: Blocking your number when I broke up with you: Regardless of the fact that during our "second" break-up, when you kept turning off the read message function on your phone to play games with me, I am sorry that I didn't just call you the day I broke up with you. I shouldn't have thought that you wouldn't react in a mature way about it, which of course in the end you did.

#7: Pressuring you into Sex: Big one here, for a long time we didn't even have sex. And even though it was a long time ago now, I assure you I would have never broken up with you over the fact that you didn't put out for me, and If i've ever said something to the contrary, I take it back.

#7.5: Not letting you be, This has to do with sex again, I know a lot of times I was trying to get you aroused when you weren't feeling like it, and for that, I apologize. Really this one was my bad. 100%.

#8: Not going to the Horses with you: You know this always stuck around with me as something i really ___ed up on. I should have stuck to my word and gone to feed those horses with you. I'm sorry.

#9: Text Arguments: Most of our fighting, and especially the worst of it, we did over text. I'm sorry I didn't intervene sooner on this. We should have called each other on the phone more!

#10: Overly Sexting you: Pretty self explanatory. I'm sorry that for a long time I didn't do much but sext you. It was on me, and I'm sorry.

#11: Not liking Cari: I know you only have a handful of friends, and I should've taken more effort to be friends with your best friend. Regardless of what I think of her.

#12: Lashing out at you: I'm going to make this point. I feel like you have serious control issues. Almost to the point where if I even tried to make any points contrary to yours, you'd flip ___ at me, make me feel like a ___ty human being. You'd get really defensive, angry, upset, apathetic, passive-aggressive, a lot of the times (not always, to be fair) if  I said something that YOU DID that made ME upset. Does that make sense to you? I felt like you had stuff to work on too, it wasn't about striking back at you, ever.  I really had no intention of making you ever feel that way, I just wanted to get points across to you so I wasn't just constantly being the one at fault! Regardless though, I'm sorry if I made you feel like I was ever "striking back" at you. Honest to God, I never had that intention. With anything I ever said.

#13: Making you feel inferior: I understand why you felt that way. You aren't the first person to tell me that I made them feel that way. I recognize this problem, I'm working on it, and I haven't had anyone else mention something like that to me for quite some time. So I feel like I'm making progress on this front.

#14: Belittling you: Over the break, and I know this sounds stupid, I did feel a lot like basically if I mentioned anything of substance, there was just a chance I'd switch your mood. And *her name*, although this e-mail isn't about how I feel, I just wanted to tell you that the hardest part of being in a relationship with you was how fast you could get upset at me. It was really hard for me to cope with, because I loved you so much. And even when I furiously apologized at you, you'd usually say "ok", but then continue to sulk. I'm sorry *her name*, but that was REALLY hard on me when you did that, those apologies I kept saying weren't empty, I really meant them, and you shouldn't have kept punishing me even when I was laying myself out there basically on my knees. So basically, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around you for fear of tripping a bad mood swing. And I'm not lying about this, literally those were my thoughts all of the time with you, "don't trip her bad mood swing, you can't get her back no matter how hard you try."


#15: My sister: This one explains itself, I'm sorry about EVERYTHING that happened with rachel. Even now that you hate me, and I'm supposed to hate you back, I know how rachel can be. So I'm sorry for that.

#16: Immaturity: This is the last major thing on this list. *her name*, I'm only 19 years old. I'm not supposed to be fully mature yet. I never even figured out what the ___ you meant when you always kept insisting that I'm "immature." Yes. I AM. I don't need to go into the reasons why you are too, but I promise you, you aren't mature either. But who CARES? Who cares if we're "mature" yet? We don't pay mortgages on our houses yet, we don't have children of our own, we haven't even lived the vast majority of our lives! I make no claim now that I stand before you with the white flag of surrender of being a mature human being. I'm not.  We have our entire lives to be bland adults, be "mature" and not feel or express raw emotions. Why must we rush into that? If you really do feel like I'm just an immature guy, I'm sorry for being immature, and I'm sorry that it matters that much to you. I've never seen someone of our age (btw in case you didn't remember, we're the same age... .so you'll have to explain to me sometime why you are a more mature human being than I am, as well as what gives you the authority to confidently say that I'm not one). By the way, I'm glad you aren't fully mature yet, or what would there be to discover anew about you? Why not look at it that way? Anyways, I am in college now, I regiment my time between leisure and work. I respect my professors and my peer group. So i'm working on becoming that mature man you say I'm not now.

#17: All of the bad things I told you in our recent fights, including that you're mom paid william boling to date you, that you're a sociopath, evil, etc. *her name* you said some truly horrible things to me. I've never been closer to ending my life than because of what you said to me on that thursday night. But for all of the nasty things I said in return, I'm really sorry. I should have taken a step back, and not texted you back from the get go that thursday night, I should've recognized the emotional state I was in because of you walking out and leaving my house. That would've been the right thing to do.

#18: Yelling at you: *her name* I know that you don't like excuses, and this isn't one, it's an explanation followed by a no strings attached apology. *her name* the reason I yelled at you to "get out" has to do with the mood swings I mentioned earlier. I felt horrible for over teasing you, and I was trying with every fiber of my being to make that clear to you, and when you just turned apathetic, cold and turned your back from me while looking down at your phone, It just made my blood pressure soar. But I shouldn't have ever yelled at you, you don't deserve that, no matter what you do. You should never feel scared around me. I should have just gotten up, got some water, and tried to talk to you about why what you were doing was making me really upset. That would've been the right thing to do, and I regret it eternally that I didn't do that.



#19: Everything Else: This list has to end sometime. I know there must be a thousand other things you are mad at me about, that make you feel like I'm a bad guy, a bad boyfriend. And for all of those things, I, without hesitancy, apologize. I'm sorry,*her name*, I really am.

That's It, sweetheart. This e-mail isn't a game. It isn't a way of trying to make you feel bad. It's so that you know I'm not just happy, prancing around and ignorant of everything that made you upset in the first place. I don't know where your moral compass points, north or south, but I hope you know that I'm in a really low place every night I go to sleep, and you'd make it so much worse on me if you kept trying to hurt me. Because make no mistake, you have the power to do that even now.

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2015, 12:31:24 AM »

Hi!

Sorry this is so hard.

Can you explain a bit - not all of this is clear -

~ her mom called your dad to express concern about you? Did your Dad say anything about the porn sent to your mother?

~ how did it come down with the campus police - how did you learn about that.

~ did she have your mom's cell # to send the porn to your mom?  

~ you said she has 6 signs of BPD, which six?

Hang in there.  We'll help you through this.

Story: Part 2

That same night, well really the morning of January 12th, without knowledge of what she had done (turning off her read receipts again to manipulate me), then sweet talk texting my friend (the same one I asked she wouldn't try and get with), I wrote an email, Which I am going to post in a separate reply. *Email #1*

The next morning on Jan 13th, she told me that she was going to ask me to "promise not to kill myself." Which of course I never had any intention of doing so. I personally believe all of her talk of being concerned about me hurting myself was really just her projecting how SHE was. Then she went on to tell me that "Good luck with the divorce, because that's how you'll end up if you keep treating women this way." We texted for a little bit longer. I told her that she just "Listen to yourself sometimes *her name*, just listen to yourself sometimes", and that was the last time we texted for another week. Of course the next contact wouldn't actually be her contacting me herself at all.

I went back to college, having not spoken to her for one week. Then, on the morning of Jan 17th ( one day before my birthday, by the way), I started receiving harassing text messages from an anonymous number. I responded with "who is this." The number did not respond, and started to proceed to harass me by sending me pictures that I had sent to her when I was happy in our relationship. To give you an example of how they'd harass me, they'd send a picture of me that I had sent to her in the past and say things like "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU DID HERE?" I figured soon who was behind this harassment. I said to the number "I want her to do well, I really do, I don't understand why you're doing this to me." Well then this number stepped beyond the bounds. This number sent a picture of me holding a big black dildo, a gag gift given to me for my birthday by my friends, which I had sent to her as a joke, TO MY MOTHER This number said "We just wanted you to know what your son has been up to." Well then my mother asked it "who is this", to which the number replied "We wish to remain anonymous."

I investigated, and as it turned out, a guy named David, who was her friend, and a really low class kind of person (like most of her friends now), was the one behind the number. She had not only shown him all the pictures I sent to her confidentially and laughed at them with him, but she had him blackmail and threaten my mom!

Jan 19th I sent E-mail #2 (posted)

Then we go back into NC. For about a week, I just obsessed over her. I wanted to hear from her so very much, but she was giving me the silent treatment. I resolved that I wanted to see what pictures she had posted on facebook, but she was never going to add me directly as a friend. So I made a fake facebook, added her as a friend to see what she was posting. On February 3rd I felt so guilty for doing this, that I contacted her through it, I just said "Listen, this isn't some girl from A&M, this is Reece, I wanted you to know that I have forgiven you for everything, and that if you'd like, I'm not ever going to bother you again." I legitimately thought that she would tell me to leave her alone, but to my surprise, she only told me that she was "concerned about me" and that she was willing to talk to me again. She told me that she had blocked my phone number on exactly January 12th. But she was going to unblock me, and that I could "feel free to message her again." I really thought she was opening up to me. When I texted her the first thing she said was "I'm not turning my read receipts on, and I don't have to explain myself as to why, but I don't want you to worry about me responding I should have RUN at that point. She became SUPER SELF-RIGHTEOUS all the time towards the end, never justifying her actions, just ALWAYS saying "I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO YOU". That same night I asked her to promise me to never go after my mom again and she just responded with "I Didn't go after her, but if you cannot talk to me without bringing up the past, GOODNIGHT. You can't forgive me than continue to accuse me of things!" And i Respond, But *her name*, ":)o you not know it was wrong to do that, like at all?" She said, Oh I know that it was wrong, and she repeated "but you can't forgive me than go back and accuse me of things!" , I deleted the facebook account and for 3 days, we texted again. She told me How Wonderful life was now, how she was branching out, and she loved it I told her that I was losing weight, playing basketball daily, and I too was doing well. I told her how happy I was that she was happy.

Little did I know, she had her Mom call my Dad the night of Feb 3 (the same night that I contacted her again, telling her how well I was doing), and her mom told my dad "my daughter is just worried that Reecer might hurt himself." Again, Ironic, because She was SO CONCERNED about me hurting myself, never when she was berating me, always when I was doing better.

On Feb 6th My mom told me about her mom calling my dad. I resolved that I would call her mother directly.  The mom picked up, I said hey my dad said that you called 2 nights ago", and before I could finish my sentence, her mom replied in an extremely rude tone I have no desire to talk to you reece, I'm leaving now, and she hung up on me.

So I sent my ex this text: *In a separate part of the thread*

Well anyways, with the company of my mother, I get a call from Texas A&M, She had gone and accused me of being a stalker. And their campus police didn't even ask her any questions like "has he ever been here," nope, they just called me directly, I handed the phone to my mom and the officer was rude to my mother, but we shut the whole deal down letting that campus police know that they have no right to call me.

Then her mother informed my parents that they were "building a case on me" and that "If in any way shape or form, you try to contact her, we will file a harassment suit on you."

It all made me feel like I was the crazy one.  She had brought my entire family into the conflict. She hurt me, my mom, who is sick with threats of lung cancer (AND SHE KNEW THAT), she manipulated her own mother (she never admitted what blackmail she had her friend David send to my mother), she hurt my Dad by having her mother call my Dad and threaten and scream at him.

She hurt my friends by distancing me from them.

And thats where I am. I'm going on day 17 of not contacting her. Unlike some people on the community, I don't even have the OPTION of reaching out to her. I can't fail and contact her, or she will drag my entire family into court. Stress my family doesn't deserve.

She tried to literally ruin my life.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2015, 12:49:45 AM »

THE FINAL TEXT I HAVE EVER SENT TO MY EX, FEB 6TH 2015. SHE DIDN'T RESPOND. IT MIGHT BE THE LAST TEXT WE EVER HAVE.

Two days ago your mother called my parents, my mom didn't pick up. My Dad did, and your mom simply indicated that I had sent you some e-mails that had your concerned about my mental health. Which is 100% true, I did But you and I both know that 2 days ago is when i contacted you and I told you I was doing a lot better. Very strange that it's only now weeks later that you and your mom become so concerned about my stability, and not actually when I WAS UNSTABLE. Not calling you a hypocrite, but you are a hypocrite. Anyways, I gave your mom a quick call, "MS. *name*, if you're worried about me, feel free to call me directly, thanks for your concern, reece." I couldn't even get the full sentence out before your mom rudely interrupted me and said "Reece-I have no desire to talk to you, I'm leaving" and hung up the phone.

And a lightbulb went off in my head. It sounded just like you. Evading criticism at all costs but expecting other people to take it when you dish it.

And that's when I realized. The best part of our relationship was when you were staying with your dad.

You are your mother's daughter. You will end up just like her, manipulative and cold for the rest of your life.

You've been so heavily influence by her to think badly of me and my famiy.

There is no hope for you. Because your are like my brother *he joined a cult*: too lost to be helped.

And that's it. I've figured you out. I have my answers. You'll end up just like your mom. Taking the life out of men. Ending up in some apartment somewhere.

Just like I'm sure your mom stripped the soul out of your dad.

You'll end up doing the same to some poor man.

have a nice life.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2015, 12:59:00 AM »

Hi!

Sorry this is so hard.

Can you explain a bit - not all of this is clear -

~ her mom called your dad to express concern about you? Did your Dad say anything about the porn sent to your mother?

~ how did it come down with the campus police - how did you learn about that.

~ did she have your mom's cell # to send the porn to your mom?  

~ you said she has 6 signs of BPD, which six?

Hang in there.  We'll help you through this.

+Campus police contacted me- Indicated in story: part 2.

+Yes she had both my parents numbers.

+Of the 9 signs, I have identified 6 to be present in her. I will address all 9 though. I will put a Smiley before the ones I believe to be present in her, and a lightbulb in front of ones I believe she MIGHT have.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)#1 Frantic to avoid abandonment by others.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)#2 Unstable, Intense relationships.

Idea#3 Identify disturbance- Change in values.

#4 Impulsive: Gambling, drinking, drugs, etc. THIS IS NOT HER, SHE DOESN'T GO OUT AND PARTY OR ANYTHING. SHE ONLY HAS ABOUT 4 FRIENDS. WATCHES HOURS OF NETFLIX USUALLY.EVEN THOUGH SHE CLAIMS NOW TO BE THIS GREAT AND OUTGOING PERSON. I THINK SHE JUST SAID THAT TO HURT ME THOUGH.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)#5: Suicidal Mentality/Behavior. I believe that her constant "concern" about my killing myself truly was a projection more or less of her own thoughts.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)#6: Effective instability: Indecisiveness. She could almost NEVER decide what she wanted to do with me. Really only on trivial matters. She was always extremely indecisive.

#7: Chronic feelings of Emptiness. Of course I cannot tell if she has these or not, you'd have to ask her.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)#8: Severe Mood Swings: Fast mood swings. YUPPPPP this is HER.

Idea#9: Paranoid thoughts. Well as I hinted earlier, she was constantly being spooked for no reason. It was just all very odd to me.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #11 on: February 23, 2015, 01:24:18 AM »

Just wanted to quickly say: That was the entire story. I am HAPPY    to answer any questions about my story.

I admit my own faults as well. I am not perfect. But I do believe I was a good boyfriend to her, and neither I nor anyone deserves to have done to them what she did to me.

I hope my story Isn't too long for people to read.

She gave me panic attacks towards the end whenever I looked at my phone and saw she was typing something. I spent days and nights crying in my dorm. I one time went to a frat party and got blackout drunk, trying to drown away my sorrow. I obsess over her every day. I no longer get blackout drunk at all, I felt horrible about myself after doing that. I do not cry as much. I pray every single day she'll text me again out of the blue. I'm doing better on the outside, but on the inside, she broke me. I don't see how I could ever trust a woman again to be close to me.

I AM VERY INTERESTED IN HEARING IF ANY OF MY STORY SIGNALS THAT SHE IS A BPD AT ALL. OR EXACTLY WHAT PERSONALITY DISORDER YOU THINK SHE MIGHT HAVE FROM THE INFORMATION GIVEN. I BELIEVE HER TO BE A pwBPD with CO-MORBID MILD ANTI-SOCIAL.



Thank you all for hearing my story.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: February 23, 2015, 03:17:37 AM »

Welcome to bpdfamily. Members here are a little like a family. They will understand your situation that is near impossible if you haven't been in a relationship with a person suffering BPD. You should find the validation you seek here.

I'm sorry you had to endure this. I don't know what specific advice to give you but I have been through similar as a young man but maybe not quite as extreme with the acting out. Mine stole a car with a recycled replacement and crashed this stolen car out front of my Mothers home in the early hours. I did nothing to provoke or deserve this.

Read the tools here even if you think they may be of no use now. Avoid ruminating too much. Rebuild your social life. Rebuild yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Find a hobby, or if you have an interest now is the time to pursue it. Meet new people. Return to friends that you may have disengaged with due to this "relationship", you may find that these people are far more receptive to you now that you are out of that relationship if you are authentic with them.

Don't lean on friends too hard and if you have difficulty getting back on track seek a therapist that can give you guidance and perspective. I know it may be difficult but focus on you now.

Writing all that out may have helped you a great deal with your feelings.

You know exactly what she is capable of now. You put it as your subject.

I am happy to answer any specific questions you may have to the best of my ability. BPD is a spectrum disorder that can differ greatly but usually has some very common elements.

Take care mate.

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« Reply #13 on: February 23, 2015, 09:29:06 PM »

Unfortunately no one can ever say if she has BPD. I'm very sure my ex did, and she does sound a lot like your ex. But like you said your ex seems to have some anti-social tendencies, involving your family and her and your friends, which mine never did.

My ex was very similar to yours in her speech patterns, its quite strange. They both seem to have a passing awareness that they have an emotional issue, yet they cant seem to integrate it with their behaviour properly. Its like they have two contradictory frames of mind at once. They're aware but I guess it is so pathological they cannot fix it. Also a lot of the accusations after going down the blackening path I have dealt with as well, especially the 'you don't respect me' which I have never understood, the accusations of being too clingy (when in the past she was the clingy one), claiming bad things that 'I have done to her' which I haven't. She also did the acting cold and distant routine with lack of affection, which happened more and more often, which I believe is just dissociating to avoid feeling any emotions towards you. Also the playful teasing she would get upset at too, however only when she was dysregulating. When she was good she would laugh and play along. And another thing, a lot of BPD's seem to have addictions, yet mine had none that I could tell. The only thing is although she didn't drink very often, when she did drink, she would sometimes drink to excess, but that is fairly common in all people.

I am over 1 month no contact, the only thing that has happened is I have been unblocked on Facebook (no friend request haha). All I can recommend is read as much as you can, especially stories here as first hand stories seem to resonate better I find. Its better closure than you will ever get from her. Good luck.
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« Reply #14 on: February 23, 2015, 10:34:06 PM »

  Hello there, Reecer, and welcome to bpdfamily.

The end of these relationships is devastating and confusing. I'm sorry you're suffering. 

I would advise you to continue NC and do not attempt to engage her in any way. Obviously it only leads to dysfunction and chaos.

This relationship sounds broken beyond repair. You have both hurt each other. And you both continue to do so, even after the breakup. This is not healthy for either of you.

My guess is that she and her friends will stop acting out if you maintain strict NC. From the timeline and information you gave, it sounds like the picture sent to your mother was most likely done in retaliation for an email you sent her.

Because the truth is that the things you said to her were hurtful. I know she hurt you, but continuing to engage in the painful cycle will ensure that it never ends.

Far better to step back and take care of yourself. You've been hurt, and you need time to heal.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2015, 11:36:20 PM »

 Hello there, Reecer, and welcome to bpdfamily.

The end of these relationships is devastating and confusing. I'm sorry you're suffering. 

I would advise you to continue NC and do not attempt to engage her in any way. Obviously it only leads to dysfunction and chaos.

This relationship sounds broken beyond repair. You have both hurt each other. And you both continue to do so, even after the breakup. This is not healthy for either of you.

My guess is that she and her friends will stop acting out if you maintain strict NC. From the timeline and information you gave, it sounds like the picture sent to your mother was most likely done in retaliation for an email you sent her.

Because the truth is that the things you said to her were hurtful. I know she hurt you, but continuing to engage in the painful cycle will ensure that it never ends.

Far better to step back and take care of yourself. You've been hurt, and you need time to heal.

Yes you have the chronology of events correct. And I've never thought about it like that, but yes her going after my mom was probably retaliation for the e-mail. My E-mail (the first one) wasn't intended to be an attack e-mail, and of course, I explicitly stated that in the E-Mail. Unlike her, I never just went on straight negative diatribes at her without saying anything positive, and that's what I did on the bottom of that very E-Mail.

Not afraid to admit I said some very hurtful things to my ex. I don't seem to see a lot of that admittance for that side of it on the forums (understandably so), but it's true. She really hurt me, and so YES I did strike back. But never without a silver lining. Never until my very last text message at her family (even then I didn't directly blackmail the mother). Proportionally speaking, although I'm sure this isn't the case in her mind, she was just so much worse to me than I to her.

Even now I wish she'd text me out of nowhere. Wish I could comfort her again. It's all so hard because part of me still loves her.

It's so hard to think she doesn't love me back anymore. And if she ever loved me back the way I did her.
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« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2015, 05:18:35 PM »

I read through my story a lot. I wish I had more conclusions. Sometimes it's funny, I do get answers, it's just really tough when they aren't the answers you really want to hear like "things will get better" "y'all can work it out" "she isn't crazy reece."  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) 

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