In a conundrum

[Snowwyte7]

I have been with my husband since 2002.  At first, it was all charming and we got along great.  Our daughter was born in 2003.  We were married in 2005.  The issues basically started almost immediately after we were married... .probably before as well but I just figured it was what it was and I was blowing things out of proportion.  On our honeymoon as we were leaving, my H asked me to look in the safe for his checkbook.  It was dark and I looked and saw nothing.  At the airport, he asked where his checkbook was.  I told him I didn't see it.  He said it was in the safe and it was all my fault... .fast forward. 

After 12 years of marriage, I am stuck and I don't know what to do.  The past year was hell.  I'm in the process of losing my businesses in a chapter 7 bankruptcy which may also flow over to me personally.  My mother passed six months ago after taking care of her for the last nine years.  We moved into a nice home.  Which is great, except that my husband has decorated it all for him.  He has an office, his media room, and I - the writer and entrepreneur - is relegated to a corner of the bedroom.  He works for a corporation as a manager and just started working as an investment real estate person because he wants to be a real estate mogel.  his words. 

Today, I talked with my therapist thinking he was out of the house.  I think he came in while I was talking about feeling trapped.  Told her I would like to save the relationship.  So she said the first step was to possibly counseling together. 

After my session, I approached him and told him I would like to see someone to help us communicate better.  He said no he wouldn't it didn't help his ex-wife and him and it just showed them that they weren't meant to be together.  He then proceeded to tell me that I was passive while he was progressive, that I am currently not bringing anything to the table.  I told him I just closed the businesses on March 21!  I have meetings for work.  He told me I always have meetings and I'm a passive individual and am not moving forward but being passive.  I asked him if he wanted to continue in the relationship and he said there was no reason not too but he handles everything.  When I brought up the upcoming business bankruptcy, court proceedings, and my mother just passed, he rolled his eyes and I'm progressive.  You don't bring in any money (I have another business but it only brings me a little bit), am not working while he does everything.  Needless to say, I make breakfast, dinner, and do all the cleaning, laundry, dishes, taking care of the home - same as I did when I was working 40 hours a week.  I told him I have second interviews and meetings next week.  He said you always have meetings but where is the money.

He told me... .don't worry, I'll take care of everything like I always do and you just take care of Chloe who seems to like you better anyway.  And then he said he didn't want to talk anymore.

Whether he heard my earlier conversation about feeling alone and trapped or not, I don't know and don't care.  I felt like my accomplishments (I have done great work as a writer and an entrepreneur and this business loss is something that has been in the works for the last year but he kept pushing me to make it work even when I could see the writing on the wall due to a flawed business model.  I am working on getting my new webpage up and working as a solopreneur as a writer and social media person... .which is what I do). 

I feel my only worth to him is what I can bring to the table for him in the sense of money.  Like a workhouse and our daughter is just an afterthought. 

Anyway that is where I am today.  Thank you for letting me type and feel like am being listened to... .even if no one responds I feel less alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Snowwyte7,



I can see how his response was invalidating, he completely missed the point. I'm sorry to hear about your mom and that you're having difficulty with you business   Regardless of what happened in his last marriage, it doesn't meant that your marriage is going to play out the same way. I think going to counseling for him reflects that he's defective if he has to go into counseling. Sometimes communication breaks down between people or parties and it helps to have a third party help you sort out the real issues, the bigger picture stuff.

What's your support network like?

[Snowwyte7]

My bestie is going through a divorce from her husband of twenty years who is diagnosed with BP and attempted suicide on January 1. 

I try not to burden people with my issues so I've cut way back on my relationships which I know is wrong which is part of my issues ... .not wanting to ask for help.  I have a therapist I talk with and now that my relationship with my H is really strained right now I don't know what to do. I want to save it and but I don't want to be treated this way anymore.  When ever we do talk he tries to turn everything around that I say and I end up confused. 

I've had three major issues healthwise that have happened in the last two years:  miscarriage, biopsy, and diverticulitis.  He was not there for any of them.  I thought may be I should have asked him to come to the hospital with me... .then I thought, why should I have to ask my husband to come with me when it's sort of implied that if you are going to the hospital, your husband should be with you... .Maybe I was asking too much. 

Now there are late nights where he doesn't come home til midnight and texting or coming to bed after midnight and about how I bring him down all the time and I believe the next piece will be how I am keeping him down which is what he was basically saying earlier today.

[Mutt]

Hi Snowwyte7,

When ever we do talk he tries to turn everything around that I say and I end up confused.

You've had a difficult last couple of years , you probably already know this but you're going through life events and it's a good idea to get as much help from as many places as you can, it's probably best to work with the therapist and your friends can also help with the confusion. A pwBPD will say mostly negative things about you most of the time, unless your being idealized, either end of the spectrum with idealization or devaluation is not a "realistic" picture of who we are, it is distorted, friends, family, this website can provide you with positive feedback about yourself.