How do they replace us so quick?u

[Mand]

Today I'm "out" 2 months exactly.

I'm still focussing on getting better and moving on. Tho I'm doing MUCH better.

That said I found out tonite my ex already has someone new... .Already.

I've been deleted and replaced.

How the HELL do they replace us so quick? I'm still heart broken and she's happily involved.

I'm hurt and angry and KNOW I shouldn't be.

... .Speechless

[Clarence Worley]

would you want to be alone with yourself if you had such deranged thoughts? these people feed off of others. thats their game . witout anyone to feed from they starve.

enjoy some peace alone.

than go get what you really want

[beyondbelief]

Painting you black

+

Having low standards for selecting the next victim

+

Needing to plug a huge hole in their soul

[So Over It]

Clarence and beyondbelief are right on the money.

Mine started the replacement process 2 weeks BEFORE it actually ended. Discovering her is what made me dump him immediately, after 2 years of hell.

Now, 3 weeks after the break up, all I can think is... .thank god for that girl. She may have saved my life. It's her funeral, and he's someone else's problem now.

Also, BTW the replacements are almost always inferior to us in terms of looks, brains and charm. BPDs need to be reassured right away (don't we all know it), and the easier the target, the faster. Easy targets require low standards.

There's a reason they always felt so insecure around us.

[Finallyfree123]

would you want to be alone with yourself if you had such deranged thoughts? these people feed off of others. thats their game . witout anyone to feed from they starve.

enjoy some peace alone.

than go get what you really want

Painting you black

+

Having low standards for selecting the next victim

+

Needing to plug a huge hole in their soul

Clarence and beyondbelief are right on the money.

Mine started the replacement process 2 weeks BEFORE it actually ended. Discovering her is what made me dump him immediately, after 2 years of hell.

Now, 3 weeks after the break up, all I can think is... .thank god for that girl. She may have saved my life. It's her funeral, and he's someone else's problem now.

Also, BTW the replacements are almost always inferior to us in terms of looks, brains and charm. BPDs need to be reassured right away (don't we all know it), and the easier the target, the faster. Easy targets require low standards.

There's a reason they always felt so insecure around us.

You are all right on the money. This has been a huge source of pain for me. The replacements are inferior. This I never got until now. Just thought he was by nature a bottom feeder. But reading these just gave me an ah-ha moment! Thank you!   

[InEarPeace]

Mine started the replacement process 2 weeks BEFORE it actually ended. Discovering her is what made me dump him immediately, after 2 years of hell.

Now, 3 weeks after the break up, all I can think is... .thank god for that girl. She may have saved my life. It's her funeral, and he's someone else's problem now.

Same here.  Poor guy, part of me wishes I could tell him, but I know he wouldn't believe me.

I found out this week that my exBPDw told my Mom once that she wouldn't be able to have me leave her, she would have to leave first.  She can't afford to be alone.  She definitely fears it greatly.  I think she was always working on contingency plans in case I was going to leave.  Some of them turned into affairs, others didn't.  Glad the last one did, since it appears that I was finally ready to move on.

[diotima]

Mine wanted to know what kind of wedding I wanted while he was replacing me! If I didn't answer all of his questions the way he wanted then he would go with whomever. They replace us really quick (while we are still with them!) and what we need to get through our thick skulls is that it doesn't have anything to do with us. Unfortunately, in the real world it does, but not in the BPD world. That's why this hurts so unbelievably horribly. They are not like us in that way. I still can't wrap my head around it despite the volumes of information I have at my fingertips about what a BPD is and what they do and why. The pain sucks and they opened up a can of worms about abandonment for all of us--hurdles we passed when we were infants and young children. They strike at core wounds that every human being must navigate. Being in a r/s with them rips everything we did to become self-sufficient adults to shreds. We cannot replace them in 15 minutes and truth be told they cannot replace us in 15 minutes--but THEY DON'T KNOW THAT.

diotima

[2010]

Also, BTW the replacements are almost always inferior to us in terms of looks, brains and charm.

Well, no. That would mean that the partner that came before you was superior to you. In all likelihood, every partner is suffering from the same mirroring seduction that BPD's use to value themselves. That means that everyone who gets seduced sees themselves in the mirror. Depending on the deficiency, the need to be seen as good can outweigh the logic about the overvaluation. When the overvaluation becomes a need- it also triggers the withdrawal of the BPD.

Try not to compare yourselves as better than the current partner. Eventually you'll have to come to terms with the disorder and how it works. It treats everyone with equal opportunity and given time and self reflection you'll find out your Achilles heel concerning appearance.  If you have to be seen as perfect and your mirror goes away, you'll need to address why it is that your self esteem went with the reflection that was presented to you.

Borderlines cannot be alone but they also cannot be with someone that they constantly feel *needs* their reflective admiration. This is too much like subjugation to them, especially when their efforts are failing to deliver a dose of self esteem and admiration to the partner and the partner becomes suspicious. The partner that gets frustrated and worried about the withdrawing BPD will often chastise the BPD for failure to deliver the *needed* dose of esteem which plays right into both parties defectiveness schemas. That's when BPD's find new people to mirror- one's that don't complain- at least not in the beginning when they are being overvalued. The new relationship will play out it's course and the new partner will eventually be in the same position as you. This is a compulsion that is re-worked over and over again in order to be emotionally unavailable for protection and (deficient) self preservation.

[diotima]

2010: I think your analyses are on the mark.

However, I don't think it is just that the partner is not getting the pedestal and that the BPD is having to put out too much energy. I think it is real world crap that the partner has to deal with and the BPD can't take it because the BPD is no longer (for awhile) the center of attention. I wasn't needing to be mirrored when I had family issues to deal with; I just needed him to hang in there (for not very long) and then I could be with him. This was just too much for him when he had other libidinal opportunities within his grasp.

Just my thoughts.

Diotima

[gettingoverit]

All of this makes perfect sense, however when you have given everything that you can, and worked your butt off to make that relationship work, so that literally hours after she breaks up with you she is with someone new, how does one get over that? It's the biggest kick in the gut I have ever experienced. Because I am a very logical person, I find it hard to understand moving so quickly from one person to the other. I can not even imagine being with someone right now, especially after this nasty break up with my ex. I know you can not make sense of crazy, but I'm still trying to understand.  ?

[nawkturnal]

All of this makes perfect sense, however when you have given everything that you can, and worked your butt off to make that relationship work, so that literally hours after she breaks up with you she is with someone new, how does one get over that? It's the biggest kick in the gut I have ever experienced. Because I am a very logical person, I find it hard to understand moving so quickly from one person to the other. I can not even imagine being with someone right now, especially after this nasty break up with my ex. I know you can not make sense of crazy, but I'm still trying to understand.  ?

I'm right there with you on that. Us guys are born to think more logically to begin with so it definitely doesn't help. On top of that, I work in IT and am so used to thinking logically, sometimes its really difficult for me not to think that way haha Letting go of the logic behind is pretty tough though, I still find myself thinking about it like that from time to time. I'm learning to be more aware of my thoughts (mainly to stop the negative thoughts before my imagination runs wild with them) and it actually helps in situations like this.

[timebomb]

Getting over it... .its because everything was faked by them... they never cared as deeply as you did! i know thats hard to hear but that is what i had to come to grips with in order to heal. Mine just up and left me and gave me no closure whatsoever... i'm left sitting there thinking, "what the heck happened" meantime shes on to her next victim already... they are sick people just be glad they are gone.It is the hardest thing to wrap your head around how they can just forget about you just like that but somehow they can... they are wired differently. So damn ice cold!

[Gladto be away]

As everyone has said it easier to fill the hole than deal with it.

Mine was already searching within weeks of us getting back together because I had tried to set boundaries. I don't know how long before I told I couldn't do it anymore he had her on a line but she was there.

I sit here alone trying to heal myself and he "has" someone, though she is several hundred miles from him.

I hope she has fun!

[2010]

it is just that the partner is not getting the pedestal. he had other libidinal opportunities within his grasp.

Diotima666, This appears to be Malignant Narcissism rather than BPD. BPD is a deficient sense of self that is chameleon-like in commodity to attract others in order to attach. This chameleon mirrors others in order to attach.  A grandiose self, a narcissist- needs to be placed on a pedestal and admired and goes toward attention as an affirmation of the grandiose false self.  Allot of time and effort is put into place getting others to mirror the grandiose self- not the other way around. Any problems that detract from accumulating the attention toward the grandiose self are minimized (meaning: NPD relationship success improbable without constant admiration and exit-stage right)

Have you considered discussing this on the NPD forum? You might find other posters who share similar stories- with the BPD forum things are not going to click. Although both BPD and NPD are cluster B dramatic/erratic, the difference between the two disorders is like night and day. One you can confront and the other you cannot. One has a grandiose sense of self and the other a deficient sense. 

[2010]

I find it hard to understand moving so quickly from one person to the other.

GOI, It's not about reality. Borderline is about fantasy. It is about yearning. It is a thought disorder (a belief system) that one will find the perfect true love, the soulmate in order to fuse to and be carried throughout life, enmeshed together. In a sense it is about the entitlement of a small child who doesn't know how to grow up. The child cries and cries about being alone and then once picked up and carried cries and cries to get free. In a sense BPD's don't know how to get what they want- but between these two polar opposites is intense *yearning* which is obsessive.

What you are experiencing in the aftermath of a break-up is also yearning, but it swings from *hope* to *uncertainty* which causes obsessive thought.  :)orothy Tennov calls this the state of "limerance." Limerance is often brought into object relations theory as an infatuation for an object.

It's really about objectification of an object and what the object can do for you- but stay with me here and let me explain:

Mirroring reenacts childhood dynamics of Mother's gaze. That's when you <<feel>> most loved as an infant. Your tiny brain is growing quickly and very plastic and trying to make sense of the feelings from Mother's gaze. Our tiny brains sort out and file the feeling away where it remains until the adult brain can recall it at a later time.

When a BPD mirrors in order to attach to us, they reactivate this coda from childhood. When the BPD goes away they take with them the catalyst for the activation- and this creates a tremendous, obsessive desire for their return. Tennov calls this being in a state of limerance with the BPD being your "limerant object."

When your limerant object goes away with someone else- you obsess over the idea that you will never feel this way again *and* you maintain a vigil of hope balanced against uncertainty. The more hope, the less uncertainty. The more uncertainty, the less hope. You can see how this might create a OCD like thought process of obsessive evaluation. One can scan for clues by checking the daily barometer of the ex-partner's new relationship which only fuels the obsession. Facebook, google, etc. etc.

Comparing oneself to the new partner: are you greater than or less than? In your mind the answer gives you either hope or uncertainty and keeps you deep in the obsessive limerance toward the return of your limerant object.

Tennov did research on the many destructive tendencies of people in limerance. It's intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary but yet defies control are aspects of the state of limerance. Limerance is an involuntary state- so when well meaning friends and family tell you to *get over it* and just move on - they aren't addressing how to solve the infatuation that remains like a flu.

Most people suffering from limerance agreed that they might not have put so much energy into hope for their limerant object's return if they knew success was impossible from the start- but they couldn't be made to feel any other way until they realized that Borderlines LIVE in limerant FANTASY. That fantasy world is an escape and Borderlines use it to shirk personal responsibility. Limerance expects understanding (often in the form of an apology from the limerant object.) Again, this is fantasy. Do not hold out hope for one.

Realize that limerance is involuntary. It will only fade if you let hope fizzle for your limerant object's return and place a certain boundary that stops the uncertainty. Easier said than done, but necessary if you want to heal. Cry. Kick a Can. Feel terrible.  As Tennov writes: " Recognize too, that once the gates of your limerant object's mind are closed on someone else- and against you- the hope you need to fuel your own passion must run dry. With this recognition you may end your limerance and reconstruct your life."  Hope this helps.  

[ithurts]

i was in her clenches before she broke up with her ex (unbeknownst to me), then she was dealing with multiple side girls while we were together, and set up a replacement right after we got back together and whatdaya know, cheats with her and when i find out they get together.

i think i look on our original 4 months with extremely rose-colored glasses, and the fact that i wanted so much to be with someone.  but nothing was as wonderful as it looked in the catalog.  at all.  i was happy i "had" someone but i never really had her.  it was constant drama and trying to make me jealous, and looking back on it ... no ... she DIDNT care about me.  at all.  and she would constantly go on and on about how much she LOVED me, touting it all over the internet, and i took this as her wanting to show me off, when in reality she just wanted to show this "image" of her.  for whom?  who knows.  many people ... the people she wanted to make jealous, her ex.  it's just sad.  none of it had ANYTHING to do with me.  NOTHING.  

and i get sad because it was great during the time of the illusion that it did ... but realistically, how long could that have really lasted?  i was catching on at month 2.  probably month 1.  

too good too be true text messages morning/noon/night does not constitute a relationship.  lesson learned.

and 2010 is exactly right ... fits my ex to a T ... i just hate that people after me think they "stole" my soulmate from me.  what a joke. 

[diotima]

2010: my ex is a high-functioning BPD with N traits. Believe me, he is BPD. He was also diagnosed by my T, who saw us a few times. I'll check out the N boards but I think I am in the right place.

Diotima

[ithurts]

okay 2010 but i guess what we all sometimes get scared of is the thought that THEIR new fantasy person will somehow be the reality, the one that actually IS the one they fall for and want to be with, and be faithful with, and go to therapy for, etc. 

im 99% certain this is stinkin thinkin for me, but its part of my obsession ... .my hope is almost completely run dry but i suppose i just want the validation that the one i was left for is just another pawn, and im not just not "good enough"

[ithurts]

2010: my ex is a high-functioning BPD with N traits. Believe me, he is BPD. He was also diagnosed by my T, who saw us a few times. I'll check out the N boards but I think I am in the right place.

Diotima

i know what ur talking about diotima ... .my partner is 100% BPD, but when the focus was off her, she lost interest. 

[sea5045]

Also, BTW the replacements are almost always inferior to us in terms of looks, brains and charm. BPDs need to be reassured right away (don't we all know it), and the easier the target, the faster. Easy targets require low standards.

There's a reason they always felt so insecure around us.


Yes, mine took a girl she actually dated and dumped to the baseball game in april, when she told me in May that she did she said "Uncomplicated", this  is the same girl who is always hitting on people, she called crazy, so yes this is uncomplicated, you can go out with them and not be obligated, have at it...

[diotima]

I just did a cursory investigation of the N boards on another site. Nope, my ex is BPD with N traits, as ithurts has experienced. N's are higher functioning than BPD. Ugh.

Diotima

[Mand]

So then, even knowing all of this - HOW do we not get angry? It is actually DISGUSTING... .

Tho I guess I should be happy I'm angry and confused about this, because if I had been with someone else already creating a fantasy world, it would've meant I'm BPD too... .

*^%$# these people screw with one's mind. Oh my god.

Guess I should be glad someone else's birthdays will get f-ed up by her and not mine anymore.

But all the comments by you guys make so much sense. Keep it comin'.

[Clearmind]

2010, wow what a fabulous explanation. The aftermath of the BPDex has essentially reactivated my childhood abandonment issues. The grief I am experiencing stems from childhood and I thought the BPD was saving me from my pain in the mirroring stage. When the devaluation stage hit and at the time was trying to sabotage the r/s was reenacting the abandonment i felt/experienced as a child. The BPD is not a source of my pain my childhood is.

So at this stage I am not only dealing with unfinished abandonment issues experienced as a child but also that of the BPD. I have also been through some horrendous romantic r/s prior to this one. It's a lot to deal with and the feeling is overwhelming. But I know now what the source is and can heal.

The difference being I am an adult now and cannot be abandoned - however this thought I am yet to master. My parents did the best they could under the circumstances. I need to let that go and understand they have their own issues from childhood.

The journey is a long one but learning about BPD has been crucial. It has helped me understand that while I have my issues to sort out, I could not in any way fix the BPDex. He is out there screwing up a storm but it's the only way they know how to operate. The penny is slowly dropping that like a 3 year old they cannot be alone. The r/s for them is mapped out. In thinking of the red flags in the beginning - they were mammoth and I spent 14 months not trusting a thing he said or did. This is no way to live. I also did not trust myself that I could survive on my own.

I had an ah moment when talking with my SIL yesterday. I cried in public oh! I felt relief and have pieced together all the things I have been actively working on: between my friends and family, T, reading about core trauma and the 5 stages of abandonment I have gotten to a place of semi-acceptance. I am not all the way yet but time has certainly helped.

I have also been doing a lot of journeling about values, boundaries, needs and what friendship means to me. I feel more complete, powerful and in control. I am also listening to my body - in the midst of a BPD r/s our senses shut down and now they have become awakened. I know for a fact that I way ahead in terms of emotional intelligence than the BPDex.

Thanks 2010 your post was a another piece to the puzzle.   

[Goofy Goober]

People with BPD always have a flock of sheep they can choose from when a relationship goes sour.

Read: HPD's and their 'web' of contacts?

(It says HPD, but I've discovered the Histrionic Personality Disorder had many similarities with BPD.)

[diotima]

For sure the BPD activates childhood abandonment issues. I know that I can be alone but I didn't (don't) want to be. I wanted to be with him and what we shared. He can't do it. Yes, I am re-experiencing my childhood crap. The BPD rubs our noses in it. How could they not? Every single child must deal with abandonment issues, whether or not they were extraordinary, because all of us had to go through the "separation-individuation" phase, and the charm (cough) of the BPD is to hit us hard in that stage, which is why it is so much more difficult than a "normal" r/s to get over. Those of us who had really bad abandonment issues as children, i.e., death of parent, etc., get the pleasure (cough) of having to re-experience it all again! I know full well that it ain't the BPD I want; it is my father--and I think the mother I didn't have.

D

[So Over It]

Also, BTW the replacements are almost always inferior to us in terms of looks, brains and charm.

Well, no. That would mean that the partner that came before you was superior to you. In all likelihood, every partner is suffering from the same mirroring seduction that BPD's use to value themselves. That means that everyone who gets seduced sees themselves in the mirror. Depending on the deficiency, the need to be seen as good can outweigh the logic about the overvaluation. When the overvaluation becomes a need- it also triggers the withdrawal of the BPD.

Try not to compare yourselves as better than the current partner. Eventually you'll have to come to terms with the disorder and how it works. It treats everyone with equal opportunity and given time and self reflection you'll find out your Achilles heel concerning appearance.  If you have to be seen as perfect and your mirror goes away, you'll need to address why it is that your self esteem went with the reflection that was presented to you.

Borderlines cannot be alone but they also cannot be with someone that they constantly feel *needs* their reflective admiration. This is too much like subjugation to them, especially when their efforts are failing to deliver a dose of self esteem and admiration to the partner and the partner becomes suspicious. The partner that gets frustrated and worried about the withdrawing BPD will often chastise the BPD for failure to deliver the *needed* dose of esteem which plays right into both parties defectiveness schemas. That's when BPD's find new people to mirror- one's that don't complain- at least not in the beginning when they are being overvalued. The new relationship will play out it's course and the new partner will eventually be in the same position as you. This is a compulsion that is re-worked over and over again in order to be emotionally unavailable for protection and (deficient) self preservation.

2010:

Please let me explain what I meant:

The replacements are not real partners. They are disposable interims until the BPD finds a real new victim, who is your EQUAL.

This is how my exBPD has always operated. I'm talking about girls who he truly doesn't care about, and won't get obsessed with.

He was with one girl for 2 years, broke up, screwed a bunch of girls he didn't care about. He got together with his next girlfriend for about 1 year, broke up, screwed a bunch of girls he didn't care about. Then he got together with me, I dumped him, now he's screwing a bunch of girls he doesn't care about.

Also, to compare is simply human nature, and it's what the original poster was having a difficult time with. Just saying "it's a bad thing to do" (which we all know), doesn't really address the immediate human emotion - which is feeling like total sht about yourself.

You can't find replacements that fast if your standards are high. That's just simple logic.

We should never compare in any context, but it happens. And I know the REAL partners (the 2 previous, real, genuine girlfriends), and I hold them in high esteem. They aren't my superiors, they are my EQUALS.

And forgive me, but the girls now? Are low-grade. It's just the truth, and I'd be a fool not to see it. The pattern is OBVIOUS.

[diotima]

So Over It: I agree. There are lots of "screwing" partners to help fill the void in between serious contenders. The serious contenders really get hurt because they have a lot in common with the BPD and the BPD can't handle that.

D

[2010]

The serious contenders really get hurt because they have a lot in common with the BPD and the BPD can't handle that.

Everyone who gets involved with a Borderline gets hurt. This is an attachment disorder.  No one is better suited for the attachment than anyone else because the attachment itself is very fragile and very unstable.  What does happen though is that certain personalities think they are better equipped to handle the instability because of childhood schemas.

Diotima, If you are dealing with a Borderline, (a person with a deficient sense of self,) the enmeshment involves projection of the stronger self onto the Borderline's part time self. In other words, someone has to take the lead for the Borderline to be whole. If you are the stronger sense of self, what happens when you are in a “self-sacrificing” mode (your attention is pulled away toward a family emergency) and the Borderline feels abandoned? Borderlines tend to assume the worst, and they mistrust. This causes the separation anxiety they feel to direct drive them toward finding your replacement.

If you are not available 24/7 - then the Borderline cannot control you and vice versa. Perhaps this is what you mean by having allot in common?

If you are an vulnerable narcissist like myself, you will have to see how self sacrifice to others *other* than the Borderline is translated by the Borderline as breaking the attachment bond. That attachment bond was always shaky, even if you perceived it to be strong.

So Over It, often we have unrelenting standards and strive relentlessly to meet extremely high standards for ourselves and others - a Borderline will knock you off the pedestal with critical blame that may keep you activated for another chance at trying again- because you don't like to fail or don't want to accept false blame or get angry and react to acting out behaviors or any of the many, many defensive mechanisms that Borderlines activate in partners to create chaos and drama.

Since altruism and caring are a part of how we see ourselves (as special people) the reaction to triangulation (read definition) can make us angry and judgmental of those who we feel are trying to take our place.  We transform our aggression away from the Borderline and toward the new partner(s) while also assessing the possibility of a reconciliation with the Borderline because we believe we are special.  

When we project an idealized version of ourselves onto the Borderline we cannot help but get angry when he doesn't live up to our expectations of pure desire. In fact, it may be that our expectations are higher than other peoples and our disappointment and pain are proportional to the gap we see between Borderline fantasy and our reality.  For example, a pick-up having a one night stand will not have the same expectations of fulfillment as do our expectations of desire; true love.  Of course we are going to hold those expectations in high esteem and judge others for the lack of theirs. Instead of eliminating our expectations for the Borderline we channel our disapproval toward the other victims perceived lowered expectations, whether by thinking they deserve their fate worse than we do or they needed to be punished because they did not meet the standards that we have projected on to the Borderline.

The reality is that Borderline personality disorder is an equal opportunity abuser. This man's emotional immaturity is also responsible for his seeking variety rather than depth with women. Marked instability in interpersonal relationships is due to a false bond. Everyone suffers, even the "low-grade."  No one deserves abuse and yet no one escapes it. That makes us all equals whether we like it or not, especially when we realize that everyone ends up in the same place.

[SOOOdone]

Many years ago when I was much wilder, in punk rock bands, etc... .(and in the 80's), I did similar stunts. Going out with the primary goal of going home with someone and remembering names.  We would joke about it... .we'd call them "coyote-mornings" where you want to chew the arm pinned down by the sleeping body next to you to get away. This is how me and my friends operated between "serioius" relationships, if you could even call them that. Why? because we were immature, restless, angry, lonely, and stupid. Did we care if anyone got hurt? NO because we didn't consider that to be even a remote possibility... .enter at your own risk, so to speak. The idea of staying celibate while looking for a serious relationship was ridiculed. Our egos needed proof that we had a lot of action going on. That, plus a dose of untreated ADHD and the beginnings of alcoholism, made the excitement and stimulation our driving motives rather than boring, warm and fuzzy relationships... .BLECH! No WAY did we think like that.

Thank goodness things have changed SOMEWHAT. Instead, I pick someone that is where I was 30 some years ago.

Another way to see it is more difficult but bear with me... .

Sex and Food are appetites/drives. We can understand someone turning towards food after a breakup, or even alcohol. It is harder to view sex as a similar escape, but that's exactly what it is... .a distraction/fantasy/escape.  99% of it is daydreaming and fantasizing to create excitement and to escape the feeling of deadness internally. 1% of it is the actual sex. It's never about sex.

[So Over It]

2010:

Perhaps I'm not making myself clear, because what you wrote about what you think I'm experiencing was completely off the mark. And first things first - I am never returning to the hell I've just escaped. I can't even fathom the idea of going back.

I have sympathy for all these women.

However, the disposable interims are never really exposed to his full reign of terror because his interactions with them are so brief. And they are never told that he loves them or wants to marry them. There's a reason for that.

I have to maintain that in my case, NOT everyone suffers the same. The interims are not going to go through 2 years of abusive, brainwashing hell.

And let me be clear about this: I am eternally grateful to these women. I found out my exBPD was cheating, and I dumped him immediately. Had I not discovered it, the relationship would have gone on indefinitely.

These women may have very well saved my life.

This isn't about an "altruism pedestal". My anger is entirely directed toward my exBPD. But I'm in the middle of a smear campaign, and my ex BPD has snowed them into believing I'm a crazy junkie stalker btch abuser who won't stop contacting him (he knows that reality is the exact opposite of this, and in fact he is the one who won't leave me alone).

I can only have so much sympathy for people who believe this about me. I have a great deal more sympathy for his two ex-girlfriends, because they went through exactly the same thing I did.

We were told that he wanted to marry us, that he was in love with us. Then we went through years of abuse with him. That's why we're equals.

The interims will never experience that. I honestly believe that my exBPD finds women who are unwilling to be his slaves much more attractive, because there's more satisfaction in dominating us (me and the 2 exes).

The interims are ready to do whatever he wants, right down to manual labor, without much effort on his part.

But in fact, they are the lucky ones. They'll never know. Some people DO escape abuse.

This is not about me wanting his "pure desire". This is not about jealousy. I wouldn't touch this man with a 10 ft pole. He makes my skin crawl. I'm not contemplating reconciliation for a minute. I am never, EVER exposing myself to this vile behavior again.

It's about recognizing the blatant truth that's in front of me: the standards have to be low for quick and easy replacements - people who will do whatever he tells them, without any declaration of love, without questioning him. People whose opinion he couldn't care less about. He has very little respect for people who don't respect themselves.

I know he's incapable of actual love. And I don't feel my suffering is badge of honor - what it is, is my being willing to allow someone to abuse me. And that's what I need to work on.

But in a really sick and ~ed up way, the reign of terror is the only way a BPD can demonstrate the closest he can feel to love.

Only a few girls get that. Many don't. (And please don't think that I see all of us according to the BPD's standards - this person does NOT dictate my self-worth).

I am so, so glad that I kicked this man out of my life. I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again. And it's an experience I wouldn't wish on a snake.

I feel bad for the future genuine partners. But I'm really glad that he's someone else's problem now.